Conflict arises when expectations are not met.
You ask your child to clean their room. They do not do as they are asked. You get frustrated.
This is an example that all parents understand. It's not just with cleaning rooms, but multiple issues. Just in the past couple days I have had several odd requests come out of my mouth towards the sweetness:
"Don't take your diaper off."
"Don't eat the stickers."
"Don't put your sandwich in the VCR."
Now my VCR is broken. I had the expectation that she wouldn't fathom putting a sandwich in the VCR. But hey, why not?
Or it might make more sense to think about it from the perspective of your job. Your boss gets frustrated that something isn't done, or isn't done correctly. They had expectations that were not met. Often times, those expectations were not communicated with the employee properly so they couldn't possibly have been met.
Personally, I think this is best shown in the example of marriage. Husband comes home from work expecting that he will get to relax and enjoy what he has worked hard for. Wife greets husband at the door expecting that she will have some help with the kids and maybe an adult conversation. Everyone has expectations of some sort. Sometimes they are met, sometimes they are avoided - intentionally or unintentionally.
Unintended expectations are all too often given the same responses as intended expectations which is obviously unfair. I am no doctor. I haven't done extensive research or taken polls on the human psychy or behavioral patterns. All I have are my own interpretations of this life and its happenings. It's my understanding that unintended expectations are part of the subconscious make-up. Can this make-up be altered or changed for the better? Yes, but it can't just be erased and re-written in two seconds. I think it would need to be conditioned, molded, and slowly refined to change. Sometimes a good motivation is needed (i.e. working out for the wedding night, saving money to buy a car, cleaning your house for a special guest arrival)
Think about the things that you do automatically. I put the toilet paper to roll over not under. When I clasp my hands so that my fingers interlock, my right thumb is on top. When I cross my arms over my chest, my left arm is on top. When I cross my legs, my left leg crosses over my right. I write with my right hand. This is natural for me. If I was forced to write with my left hand, I could learn to make that my natural routine. However, I wouldn't just decide to change to writing left-handed the next time I picked up a pen because it isn't natural. Unintended expectations work similarly to those small things.
One personal example of an unintended expectation would be my toilet seat. For most of my life I grew up in a house full of girls. I never had to worry about the toilet seat being up because my uncle was the only man in the house full of seven other woman. I'm sure that someone who grew up in a house full of boys wouldn't have the same type of hard-fastened expectation. Does it bother me when the toilet seat is up? Not at all, but it seems odd and definitely out of the ordinary for me. The way I see it, either I have to put it down or he has to put it up, so why does it have to be him all the time who moves the seat? If the seat is up, put it down. Easy, peasy, apple squeezy.
This is why being equally yolked with your husband/wife is so important. (I'm referencing untiended expectations not the toilet seat) As a Christian, raised in the church for the majority of my life, and as an avid lover of Jesus I have an unintended (and intended, but we'll get to that in a moment) expectation that not only will my family go to church on Sunday, but my children will be raised with God as the center of my home. As I have already experienced, this is a problem when you are married to someone who doesn't believe the same as you. I don't encourage you not to marry an unbeliever
just because I said so, but because it will save you so much heart-ache in the end. I know, I know. I sound like a mom. But please, I beg you from my personal experience. Find someone who loves Jesus. It is so much better than anything you could have imagined. (And I'm speaking from experience here as well, with a huge cheesy grin on my face)
Intended expectations are a lot easier to change. I have found that the biggest problem with intended expectations not being met is that they aren't communicated effectively. Seems simple, right? It really is. But then again, I think that all problems have either a solution or a compromise that can be achieved agreeably with efficient communication. Intended expectations are asking your child to pick up their shoes, and you expect that they will be obedient. It is my experience that to receive the results that you desire in home, work, friendships, children, peers, or anyone else in a communicating relationship with you, there are three things that need to be communicated in your intended expectation: what, how and when.
First, what do you want to happen? You want a clean home. You want a report from an employee. You want a raise from your boss. You want a specific gift for your anniversary. You want to develop a relationship with someone. You want your husband to fix the gutter. You want your wife organize a dinner for your boss. The "what" of the intended expectation needs to be direct. It is very rare that when a person says "I don't care" that they really don't care. Don't be indecisive with what you want unless you don't really care. An indecisive "what" could produce a "what?!" response when you get a personal trainer coach ringing your doorbell instead of a coach purse in a pretty wrapped box.
Second, how do you want things done? Do you like surprises? Is your idea of a clean room a pathway from the bed to the door, out of sight out of mind, or neatly color-coordinated, labeled and organized? Were you thinking your husband should hire someone to fix the gutters since he almost broke his back last year? Did you want your wife to cook a specific meal that your boss loves or avoid something that your boss' wife is allergic to? Yes, it seems tedious, but if you want specific results, you have to make specific requests. Contrary to popular belief, people are not mind-readers.
Third, when did you expect this to be completed by? This is usually partly intended and partly unintended. If your first child was quick to do as asked, you may have an unintended expectation that the second child will be the same. If it is something that is important to you, then the 'when' is absolutely necessary to be communicated. Assuming the other person will complete the task when you want them to without it being verbally or visibly communicated with them is like asking them to guess a number between 1 and 3000. They might get it right, but the odds are not in their favor. In fact, you are inadvertently setting them up for failure. You have to actually tell your husband that you want the gutter fixed before the weekend because it's going to rain. You have to request in the email that your employee have the report to you before 3pm so that you can review it before you leave work. Again, people are not mind-readers. Set reasonable expected times of completion and give the other person the option to exceed those expectations instead of just meeting them.
Instead of asking your employee for the report, you should format your question like this:
"Employee Name (address them specifically- lets them feel valued and knows it is directly for them), can you please send me the aging report in excel format by 3pm?"
Instead of asking your child to clean up, you should be more specific:
"Sweetness, before you go outside can you please pick up your books and put them on the shelf?"
Instead of asking your wife to invite your boss and his wife over for dinner, the request could go something like this:
"Honey, I would like to invite Boss and BossWife over for dinner next Tuesday. His wife is allergic to shellfish so I really think they would enjoy your Shepherd's Pie."
Reading and re-reading over this makes it seem so simple to me, yet there are so many conflicts that arise from unmet expectations! Sometimes just taking that extra step of effort to communicate specifically is really all it takes. This simple act is the difference between your child feeling bad about not meeting your expectations and being able to rejoice with them when they obey happily. It is the difference between your husband feeling respected or ignored or your wife feeling loved or neglected. It is the difference between your employee feeling productive or stressing for your approval. You might not think it is important but the person on the receiving end will most likely feel more at ease.
One small difference in the wording of your request can change your unmet expectations into easy, comfortable encounters with positive results for all involved.
