One in front of the other

Looking down at my feet, one step in front of the other. I see her little chucks, one step in front of the other, beside me on the sidewalk. I see her little arm swaying back and forth matching my arm swaying back and forth which each step, one in front of the other.

For a moment I'm once again 7, walking one step in front of the other, next to her walking one step in front of the other. She told me that we sway our arms when we walk to keep balance. Like blinking, it was something that our bodies did naturally. I could control it, I told her. My arms didn't have to sway for me to keep balance. Then she laughed as she watched me struggle to walk a straight line with my arms stiff against my little body.

She was right.

It's funny how those memories can sneak up on me. Sly little foxes, they appear at random moments, refreshed by the simplest things, like swaying arms.

Another year gone, another Christmas without her. I don't really remember the last Christmas where she was included. How would I have known at 7 that I needed to remember it? Oh, how I wish I remembered it. But now she is gone. All I have is pictures and memories with faint details from over 17 years ago.

17 years. It's been that long? Crazy how much has happened since then. I've made a quite a few decisions and changes in those years, some good and some not so good. But it's led me here, and I'm so grateful.

Why do I take so many pictures? Why do I post so many memories and funny conversations on Facebook?

Because one day I was walking with my mom, swaying my arms side to side and the next I was walking with my daughter and only the memory of my mom.

This life is a short snippet of eternity. Remember everything. Write it down. Take pictures. Remember smells, and conversations. Cherish every moment. Don't forget to take it all in. Don't take anything for granted. Don't forget to sway your arms.

Remember that you can't get to the place you want to be unless you step out, one foot in front of the other.

Today was rough

Today was rough.
Hit after hit, I'm worn down.
Bad conversations, stressful situations, rude people.
Today was weird.
It was a day that I just struggle to like people.
These days don't happen often, thankfully.

I'm so glad God doesn't have days like these.
We are infinitely more difficult, rude, untrusting and unloving towards Him, and each other, and He never turns His back on us.
He is always there.
Always with open arms to welcome us home.

I'm so thankful.
Goodness, I need Him.



I need Thee, oh I need Thee, every hour I need Thee.
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.

5 Min Fridays - It doesn't feel like Christmas

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, what happens is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, set, go!

It doesn't feel like Christmas. I'm a little disappointed. I've been trying to play Christmas music. I have put up some Christmas decorations, but not nearly as much as I would like due to budget limitations. I haven't even gotten all of the presents for Sweetness. 

I guess it's hard to sing "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" when it's 75 degrees outside. I want to wear a coat and need a beanie. I want to wear boots and not be sweating at the office. I want to cuddle outside on the porch with a blanket, not shorts and a tank top. I don't want to check the weather to see if I need to wear short sleeves. I want to need to go get ice off my windshield, not turn the A/C on. This is so depressing.

People keep asking me if I'm ready for Christmas. Yes. I was ready for Christmas before Thanksgiving. It's my favorite time of the year and this weather is ruining it! I know the meaning of the Christmas season is celebrating the birth of Jesus. And I know that I can do that in whatever weather.

From experience I know I can't wait for my feelings to validate what I know to be true.
I just wish it felt like Christmas. 

Renewal: come home

"I am changing my diet."

"I am changing my hair color."

"I am changing my routine."

All of these things we have control over to come extent. Then there is the tricky part of trying to change who we are. 

Missy from 631 says "Change occurs when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of change."

Google defines change as "make or become different".

Arnold Bessier says "Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not."

I think what Arnold is talking about is actually renewal.

Google defines renew as "resume an activity after an interruption".

Psalm 51:10 says "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew in me a right spirit."

Isaiah 40:31 says, "but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

2 Corinthians 4:16 says, "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day."

I've tried to be who I'm not. I've tried to do things to please others. I've tried to sound like I know what I'm talking about. I've tried to earn the approval of friends and relatives all while pushing my self-love on the back burner. 

I believe the whole Bible is true.

This means I believe that I was fearfully and wonderfully designed before I even entered the womb.

Also it means that I believe designing me was not just done wonderfully for the sake of being wonderful but that I was created in the image and likeness of God. 

I also believe that when I laid down my heart and confessed that Jesus is the way, truth, and the life, the Holy Spirit entered my heart with a victorious celebration. My sins were forgiven once and for all. From that moment on, my life was claimed as a child of the King; royalty finally come home and reconciled to a loving Father.

This means that I went from definition sinner to definition saint. I was then a new creation with a clean slate and a promise that I would never be left or forsaken. Everything changed. My home was no longer this world, it is heaven. My mission was no longer survival but thriving with joy and peace. My hands were no longer bound for idle toil, but destined to heal the sick and hold the broken. My heart was no longer stained with the black tar of sin, but clean, fresh, and white as snow.

This world no longer had any claim on my emotions, mind, or soul.
From that moment on, I was free.

Any time after that point that sin appears in my life, it's not because I am bound to it. It is a choice that I have to walk through that door, open that web browser, say those words, or listen to those lies.

It's a choice that I don't have to make. It's a choice that you don't have to make.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Romans 12:2

This is not a set of rules or an impossible charge to complete. This is an invitation to come home. The King invites you to lay down self-fulfillment, entitlement, depression, anxiety, insecurity, and longing and be filled with peace, patience, joy, gentleness, and a love so fulfilling that you never are in want or need again.

It's a renewal. It's a coming back to something you ALREADY possess.
He isn't withholding strength and then giving you a brand new vile when it's time.
He is there with you, inviting you to draw from the strength that is already IN you.
He is asking you to remove the blinders that the world tries to put on you and see the light that is already in you.
It's not you in your worldly armor, it the Holy Spirit in you.
The Spirit you received when you believed in Jesus.
The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead.

It's time for renewal. It's time to be rejuvenated by the one who gives life. It's time to come home.

Max or Min?

Looking for daily prompts to promote constant writing? Check out many inspiring prompts posted daily here. When you click the link, it will take you to the prompt that inspired me to write today.

I often find Maximalism, at it's highest point, hard to follow when I'm reading a story. I want to know the point. I want to know what the author is trying to say, and am usually less concerned with the details of how the scene looked. I guess I think my imagination can do that for me. I don't need you to tell me what color her dress was. What matters more to me is the emotions she was portraying and why. What happened? And what did she do about it?

Strange that I think this way, though, because I am bound by the idea that in order for me to write a book that would be accepted well, I would need to write more from a Maximal standpoint. I don't add a lot of details. The few times that I have tried to write fiction, the most feedback I get is about my lack of details.

Maybe a book that I write would be well received. I will never know unless I try it.

Is your writing style described more as minimalism or maximalism?

Momma's Musings

I couldn't come up with a title for this one. I was having trouble bringing it down to one short and simple phrase that encapsulates all that I was thinking and feeling while writing this. I left it open to the first person who gave me an idea and my friend Ann came through for me. You can check out her blog by clicking here. She is always so wonderfully encouraging. 

So here it goes: Momma's Musings



My Sweetness is not always sweet. Shocker, right? I know. I'm sorry to burst your fantasy bubble.

When I was pregnant I prayed that she would be fiercely independent, confident, strong, assertive, and that she would love people well. The first couple things she has down pat. She is a pro. But love? That is a little tricky. I know for a fact that she loves me, Mr, our pup, and I can list a couple other people that she undeniably loves. But loving people in general? Being friendly and likeable? Not usually.

Monday, as we were walking trough HEB, people that approached her didn't meet the Sweets that I know. They didn't see her creativity and spunk. They didn't get to hear her laugh and know what she is passionate about. Instead they met a shy and grumpy little girl who didn't want to have any part in talking to strangers; unwilling to say hello, with a scowl on her face. She didn't care if they liked her at all. She was just cruising on her own path. I am thankful that I don't have to worry about her talking to strangers, but this is not exactly what I expected.

Gosh, am I doing this parenting thing right? What is 'right', anyway? I definitely got what I prayed for. Did I maybe pray too much? Why did God give me what I was asking for? Was I so scared of her becoming the pushover, door mat that I was growing up that I prayed for a quadruple portion of confidence? What do I have to offer her? How can I, as an insecure extrovert, try to guide and raise a confident introvert like my sweet girl? I don't understand how she thinks sometimes. I know what to expect and can be prepared to handle the decisions she makes because I know her, but I don't understand why or how she comes to the conclusions she does. Our brains are different. Our personalities are different. Our souls are different and unique.

I was talking to a friend on Sunday about the possibility of kids in the future for him and his wife. One of the topics we discussed was about expectations and the impossible scale of comparison that is created when our happiness depends on our children's behavior. He laughed when I told him to throw all of his expectations out of the window. I used to always hate when people would tell me that I would understand when I had kids, but it's so true. I explained to him that if I birthed the perfect kid, how perfect is designed in my brain, then I wouldn't need God; and children are definitely one of the ways to get people to cry out to God for help.

I'm not just talking about behavioral issues.
I'm talking about the almost unbearable pain it is to where your heart literally outside of your body.
I'm talking about loving someone so much who doesn't even know what love is.
I'm talking about the mystery of beginning with a helpless baby and ending with a responsible, kind, loving, helpful, passionate, hardworking person who chases after God.

Am I a responsible, kind, loving, helpful, passionate hard working person that Sweetness can look up to? What am I modeling for her?

I do my best. I pray, a lot. I read my Bible. I pour my heart out to God. I journal often. I seek counsel from friends, family, and leaders. I am always consciously aware of my need for more of Jesus.

That is the point. That is all that's needed.
If I believe that God is powerful, all-knowing, sovereign, and loving, which I do, then seeking Him is the best possible thing I can do.

I am not perfect. Sweets is not perfect.
But somehow, according to a grand master plan, we are the perfect match for each other.
And my heart probably could burst into a thousand pieces with the overwhelming love I have for my precious, sweet, adorable, angel.

And I will not quit praying for her and fighting for her and loving her until I draw my last breath.

So today, I will quiet my insecurity.
I will rest in the beautiful truth that God loves Sweets more than I do and is more than willing to guide Mr. and me through the crazy journey of parenting.
I will believe that He knows what He is doing by giving me the great gift of being her mommy.
I will learn to laugh at myself and get up after I fail, and fail again.
I will continue to strive to be the best example of a Godly woman that I can be for my smart, confident, loving, spicy Sweetness.
Most of all, I will try my hardest to showcase who Jesus really is and the vast love He has for her.

Playdoh lessons

I set the playdoh on the table. Red, Yellow, Blue, and White.

"Don't mix the colors together, Sweets, ok?" I said as I walked to switch the laundry over. Then I heard a distinct, "why not?". The question didn't come from her, but it very well could have.

I stopped on my way to the laundry and turned around to walk back to the table. Then I abruptly turned back around because the laundry needed to be turned over still. I turned the laundry and then made my way back to the table.

"Sweets, do you wanna see what happens when you mix the colors together?"

Excitement filled her eyes and as if she was about to receive something magical, she whispered, "yes, momma."

The next hour was a perfect hour spent making green, purple, orange, brown, pink, light blue, light yellow and a variety of other random not named colors. That hour was perfect. The dishes needed to be done, the floors were crying for a broom, but this is what I NEEDED to do.

I wonder what other things that I am saying why to that I need to be saying why not to, instead.

Who are you working for?

A few weekends ago, I had taken the dog out, fed her, deep cleaned and reorganized the entire kitchen, cleaned little girl's room, and made coffee while taking care of the Sweetness all before 8 am. Was he going to notice? In the perfect world, would he wake up, give me a kiss on my puffy, no make up, morning face, tell me I look beautiful and then marvel at the amount I had accomplished so early?

Would it bother me if he didn't notice at all?
Honestly, yes. It would. Why?

As I was cleaning, Colossians 3:23-24 came to mind,

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Well hello there, gut punch. Work as unto the Lord. What does that look like practically? Well a good place to start is to get rid of that running tally mark system I have going in my head. There is no more I did this, so you do that mentality. I did this, as unto the Lord. And I will gladly do that as well, as unto the Lord.

This is so hard. How is it possible to do the best of your ability without seeking merit for what you've done? There is something to be said about desiring good results from hard work. If I work hard on a new cake recipe, I want it to taste good. If I spend a lot of time cleaning, I want someone to notice.

The only snag in this line of thinking is that someone does notice. My Pastor recently pointed out that we are so quick to believe that the air we breathe is real, but we don't realize or believe the presence of the Holy Spirit that is everywhere, all the time. Work as unto the Lord. Work hard to please the Lord. That should be even more of a motivation than to please my husband or my daughter or my house guests.

If I am truly working to honor and please the Lord, then it doesn't matter what others think. God is interested in the motive behind what I'm doing more than what I'm actually doing.

How do I accomplish this?
Let me first begin by saying I'm not that good at it, but I'm improving. I'm determined that will change and hopefully in a short time I will be able to say that I'm better and will continue to improve!

One thing that is absolutely necessary to making this happen is my quiet time in the morning. I need that time with Him. I need that sweet rest and rejuvenation that I receive by pouring my heart out to Him, praising Him for His goodness and faithfulness, and receiving my encouragements and charges for the day. If I don't start my day out this way, I am lucky to end the day with just barely functioning. If I want to thrive, I have to come to the feet of Jesus and just rest in His promises.

Something else that helps is scripture memory. "But I'm terrible at scripture memory!", you say. No, I am the worst at scripture memory. It's nearly impossible to keep anything longer than a day old in my brain. It's REALLY hard for me, but so incredibly beneficial. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I was working unto the Lord, but I had already had that verse hidden in my heart. He was just reminding me of something that I already knew.

Another really important thing is surrounding yourself with people who love Jesus, respect their spouses, love people, and dearly desire to change the world. This has changed my whole life. They help me not focus on whether my husband will think I'm sexy, and instead I am thinking of ways that I can honor and serve Him, which is just plan hard to do sometimes. I have friends that won't make me feel better when I am throwing a fit, but will instead flood me with truth and encourage me to do the right thing. It's just a good reinforcement on how I want to live my life.

The last thing that I do is sing. I meditate on worship and bury those songs deep in my heart. I sing them often, sometimes without even thinking about it. But it's good when you heart and brain's autopilot is still singing praises to God. It just helps me. It might not help you. To each their own.

I will never be perfect. I will never get it right all the time. I don't even get it right most of the time right now. But I'm trying. I'm striving. I'm striving to know more, do more, be more. I'm striving to honor more, cherish more, and serve more. I'm striving to sacrifice self and not give 50% effort, but instead give 100% effort, 100% of the time.

I'm striving to be more like Jesus, while still being me.
Not easy, but not impossible, and so worth it.

For those of you wondering if I got the response I wanted, the Mr. woke up, noticed the clean house and gave me a kiss. He didn't have to, but God gives good gifts, and marrying my handsome Mr. was one of the best gifts I have ever received.

I can't think outside the box

I don't know how to think outside the box. It's actually more than that. I don't even really enjoy thinking outside of the box. I don't know why this has been brought to my attention more and more lately, but it has me seriously analyzing my thought process.

Today my handsome Mr. asked me "If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?" Oh dear, anxiety, I don't like that question. Why? Why not dream, and dream big? Sounds inviting and exciting, right? I often see those motivational posters, E-cards, and GIF's that people post. It's a nice idea that makes me sigh longingly thinking about the future, but those thoughts are still within certain parameters. Reasonable parameters.

Parameter as defined by Wikipedia (reliable source, I know) as this:

Parameter in its common meaning, is a characteristic, feature, or measurable factor that can help in defining a particular system. A parameter is an important element to consider in evaluation or comprehension of an event, project, or situation.

I like this. It seems right. Don't ask me what I would want if I could have anything. My immediate response is to only answer that question with a string of several other questions.

Anything? Anything pertaining to what, exactly? For right this second? Or for forever? Are you wanting to find me a Christmas present or are we talking super powers and curing cancer? Anything that we can afford? Or any anything in the whole realm of everything? That's a daunting task. Pick only one thing? What's more important? I would need to make a list of the pro's and con's of everything that I could possibly want/need. But there are people out there that need something more than me. So now my list would need to include a list of any anything that anyone of everyone could possibly want or need from now until forever? And are we talking tangible things? Or intangible things? Are you asking as a fun question for now or for life goals?

What type of answer are you looking for?

Why does it matter what they are looking for?

This is not the first time that it has surfaced, either. I have been faced with these types of questions a lot recently. It actually all started with the queen of asking out of the box questions, one of my friends, Lana. I don't remember what question she posted on Facebook, but I do remember answering it the best that I knew how. Then to my dismay I saw other comments coming in. I also remember getting slightly stirred and posting another comment saying something to the effect of, "I didn't know that was an option". Lana, I'm assuming with a smile on her face, commented that her friends often think outside of the box. After Facebook stalking her page for several weeks, I saw just how absolutely right she was. She might as well post a blank status and have people comment random things. (That is a tad dramatic, I realize.)

People used to tell me when I was younger that I was a dreamer. I believed them, however, as I age both physically and mentally, I realize that they were equating joy and optimism with dreaming. An eternal optimist? 100% accurate. A dreamer at heart? Within a certain set parameters of achievable goals, yes. But is that really dreaming? Isn't that just setting a goal and working hard to obtain it?

Webster defines a Dreamer like this:

One who lives in a world of fancy and imagination.
One who has ideas or conceives projects regarded as impractical.

I know a large part of this commotion in my brain and heart is a touch of envy. It looks so freeing to be able to think without rules, parameters, or consequences. But was this a problem with my thinking? Is it ok to be ok with thinking inside the box? Was I just being complacent? Was it better to think outside the box? Was I just comparing myself to others, or did I discover something that I can change in myself to be better?

A couple weeks ago I took a personality test. Not a BuzzFeed, What is your spirit animal, type test, but an in-depth, *Myers-Briggs personality exam. When I received the results, they were spot on through every account, down to the synopsis picture it gave me.

As I read the description, I read a string of sentences that made me happy, honestly a little too embarrassingly happy to admit. It says that the ESFJ works best with structure, rules, guidelines, and organization. It was the first time that I heard/thought that there was nothing wrong with me or my thinking. (We can analyze that string of thoughts and conclusion later) Somehow in that very moment, whether right or wrong, I knew that there were other people out there like me. That was just enough momentary comfort to send me into my next round of analysis.

What does this mean? For my thinking? For my analysis of problems? For my life? How does this line up with what I believe? Is my personality holding me back? That sounds like a silly question, but it's not. How can I have faith in a great and powerful God who can do anything if my brain can't even wrap around what that "anything" could possibly be? How can I pray for miracles, if my mind is limited to tangible assets and liabilities? I know that not everyone is given the same spiritual gifts, abilities, and callings, but what part of it is useful for the kingdom and was specifically chosen for me by God, and what part has been ingrained in my thinking through the influences and experiences of this world? What part of this do I embrace as me wholeheartedly and be the best that I can be, and what part of that do I defy and say that I am not limited by my mere physical brain because I have the Spirit of the Living God who raised Christ from the dead living in me? At what point does one over take the other, or how do they work together for maximum efficiency and effectiveness for the Kingdom?

I wish I had an answer for you. I wish I could close this blog out with some meaningful epiphany that explains it all. But I don't. I'm still working through it. I'm still journaling and praying. I'm still in progress. I still have a LOT of work to be done in me.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will." 

So the renewing and testing continues...

*You can take the personality exam by clicking here.