There is Freedom

Through some research from this website and others like it, listening to the Holy Spirit and searching scripture, I experienced a profound epiphany.

There are two types of strongholds that you can have in your life: an incorrect view of God and an incorrect view of yourself.

My problem does not lie in seeing God in an incorrect light. I do fall short of seeing God in his entirety, but I do not see him as only a judge or only a taskmaster who is keeping score of my sins. My problem lies in the incorrect view of myself. The rejection and abandonement that rocked my world as a child created a wound that lead to a stronghold of incompetence and fear of failure.

John 8:31-34 says "So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” They answered him, “We are offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, ‘You will become free’?” Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin.

Jesus didn't just die to forgive us of our sins, but also to deliver us from the power of sin!  Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." He took all of the sin that we had created, are participating in, are thinking about participating in and all of the sin that we will commit in the future, and completely took the blame and the punishment. We have been made blameless by the shed blood of Jesus Christ. A saint is defined as a person recognized as holy or virtuous.When God looks at us now, he doesn't see all of that sin, but he sees Jesus; the perfect one who took our place. Yet instead of being a saint and living in the victory I have in Christ, I often times fall into the rut of just merely being a forgiven sinner. I know that I am forgiven because of scripture like this: Ephesians 1:7-14 "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight  making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ  as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will,  so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."

Then why is guilt, incompetance, fear of failure, fear of abandonement and fear of rejection so prevelent in my thoughts? Because I am allowing them to be a stronghold in my life. I all too often speak self-curses in my life and open the door for all sorts of evil, doubt and insecurity to come in and get comfortable. I used to point fingers with anger and say that it was my mom's fault or someone else's fault for creating the wound in the first place. My thought process was that if they hadn't created the wound, then I wouldn't be in the thought process that I was at that moment. Well, I have since gotten past those moments and no longer hold thoughts of bitterness or anger towards my mom, dad, or anyone in my past. However, I still have this stronghold of the incorrect view of myself and my worth. More often than not, I believe that God's word is true, but I don't understand how someone as perfect as He is could love someone as tarnished as me. Instead of just being humbled and grateful for the incredible gift of freedom and salvation, I allow this stronghold of incompetence and over self-evaluation to dwell and cook up a nasty recipe that stalls/stumps my growth.

The first step in solving a problem is identifying the problem:
    What are my wounds? rejection, abandonement, incompetence
    What are my strongholds? seeing myself incorrectly

And then you have to do something about it.
Well, what did my God do? He sent Jesus to die on the cross to not only bear the weight of sin but deliver us from the bondage of sin. We have the victory over every sin, every temptation, every type of evil. "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Cor 15:57 We have the power of the Holy Spirit of the living God in us and we sit idle worrying about things that we ALREADY have the victory over.

Wake up and claim your victory! (And I'm talking to myself too) Addiction, guilt, temptation, heartbreak, rejection, abandonement, fear, physical and mental illness, hatred, resentment - all of that was nailed to the cross and we have the freedom in Christ to not be bound anymore. Renounce those thoughts. Renounce those insecurities. Repent of sin. Release those strongholds. Take hold of the sword of the spirit and get ready for a battle. Open your eyes to the world around you. above you. below you. There is more to life than just what we can see.

Statistic Shmatistic!

I was listening to KSBJ this morning on my way to work as usual. I heard a startling statistic that honestly shook me to my core. They said that the happiest couples are those making between $50,000 and $75,000 and have no kids. I did a little Google research and found this article that said "Conclusion: Kids, or rather the parenting of kids, is a common source of adult stress."

In conclusion of the article, the author was merely encouraging moms to take time for themselves. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that and encourage moms to do the same. The only problem I have is that I think most parents should not have had kids to begin with. (Something that might not sit well with some readers, but it is my personal opinion) Having a child is a big responsibility but an even greater joy. You are responsible for not only their wellbeing and education but their spiritual leadership and emotional stability as well. I'm not saying you are responsbile for their decisions as a grown adult, but I do think that we have more responsibility in molding and shepherding the people that our children are than America realizes or cares to realize.

Throughout the stages of Ryot's life, I have received warnings about her. I would talk about wanting her to roll over and they would say "Oh no, because then you really have to start watching her." I would talk about wanting her to crawl and they would say, "Oh no, then she will be everywhere and give you a workout." I would talk about wanting her to walk and they would say "Oh no, then she will be into everything." I talk now about being excited for her to talk more and they say "Oh no, because then she won't shut up." I hear these things and cringe!

I am not the perfect mother by ANY means. But there is one thing that I can't deny - I love this little girl with every fiber of my being. "I was made for you, you were made for me, my sweetheart!" (Ho Hey by The Lumineers)

Are there times that I get irritated, frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed, defeated or angry? OF COURSE! It's hard to try to cook dinner while she is trying to stick crackers in the dvd player. It's hard to pee in under 2.5 seconds because if I dont she is throwing shoes down the stairs. It's hard to rock her to sleep not knowing if I was firm enough or consistent enough or educational enough to aid her development and discipline. But if I am asked what stresses me out in life, she is NOT going to be one of them. The mere joy that she provides is way more than enough to counter any part of stress she produces. If anything the stress comes from my fear of parenting and not anything that she is doing.

I LOVED when she started rolling over. I LOVED helping her crawl and following her around the house. I LOVED when she started walking everywhere and exploring. I LOVE seeing her form new ideas and opinions and trying to form her own words and sentences. I am really looking forward to the next stages in life. Yes, having an itty bitty baby is fun and cute but this almost 2 yr old stage is my favorite so far! Every stage has been my new favorite and I don't predict that will change on to the next stages.

Some people don't want to have kids, can't physically have kids or can't afford to have kids. That is their right and their perogative. More power to them and their happiness. But I refuse to believe that a life without my precious angel would be more enjoyable. Children have an innocent way of reminding you what is important in life. Sure, I could use the money for diapers, childcare, wipes, food, etc on other things but why would I when I get to see her beautiful smile every day?

Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I love Ryot. She is everything that I ever dreamed of and more. I am really looking forward to having more children. I know that Ryot will be a great big sister. Someday I will have more pictures like these...

Addi's Baby Shower

My sister-in-law, Heidi, is beautiful. Beautiful inside and out. She is funny, kind, loving, caring, creative, insightful, inspirational and definitely someone I can look up to even if I am technically looking down at her little bity short self. :)

I had so much fun with friends and family this past weekend as we were all celebrating the coming arrival of baby Addison Reese. I never understood how it was possible to love someone you never met until my sister was pregnant with my niece Caedance, then again when my sw Nikki was carrying sweet little Monster Axel No Name and then was magnified even more when I could actually feel and experience what it was like to carry my own precious angel, Ryot. The whole idea of life growing in a mother's stomach is a miracle in and of itself, but the books can't explain the love that you have for this little being that you have never even met yet. I love Addi already and I haven't even seen her smile or heard her little coo's or giggles.

Don't come out yet, little Addi, but we are all really anxious and excited to meet you, sweet girl!

Here are some pictures from this weekend!

Spurgeon, Sermon 301

Charles Spurgeon, Sermon 301.
Feb 26, 1860

“Peace, peace, when there is no peace.” Jeremiah 6:14
Suggested Further Reading: 1 Corinthians 1:18-25

"Many of the people of London enjoy peace in their hearts, because they are ignorant of the things of God. It would positively alarm many of our sober orthodox Christians, if they could once have an idea of the utter ignorance of spiritual things that reigns throughout this land. Some of us, when moving about here and there, in all classes of society, have often been left to remark, that there is less known of the truths of religion than of any science, however obscure that science may be. Take as a lamentable instance, the ordinary effusions of the secular press, and who can avoid remarking the ignorance they manifest as to true religion. Let the papers speak on politics, it is a matter they understand, and their ability is astonishing; but, once let them touch religion, and our Sabbath-school children could convict them of entire ignorance. The statements they put forth are so crude, so remote from the fact, that we are led to imagine that the presentation of a fourpenny testament to special correspondents, should be one of the first efforts of our societies for spreading the gospel among the heathen. As to theology, some of our great writers seem to be as little versed in it as a horse or a cow. Go among all ranks and classes of men, and since the day we gave up our catechism, and old Dr Watts’ and the Assemblies’ ceased to be used, people have not a clear idea of what is meant by the gospel of Christ. I have frequently heard it asserted, by those who have judged the modern pulpit without severity, that if a man attended a course of thirteen lectures on geology, he would get a pretty clear idea of the system, but that you might hear not merely thirteen sermons, but thirteen hundred sermons and you would not have a clear idea of the system of divinity that was meant to be taught."



I wish that I could say that I am directly related to this man. But just knowing who he is will have to suffice for now.

I have to admit the level of conviction I feel while reading this sermon is quite embarrassing. I have everything I need to be able to teach the world about Jesus and yet I take it so for granted. I have everything I need to never worry or stress about anything yet still I get caught in the hustle of the traffic of this crazy life.

I find myself asking, "Can we stand up and end this ignorance?" But that would take work, which unfortunately America tends to take the easier road thinking it will benefit them by not having to work hard. I wish we could realize that seeking the Lord consistently, and to a certain degree, aggressively is what will give us the most rest and peace.

I don't want my knowledge of the word to be one that Spurgeon compares to a horse or a cow. I want to be a light in the darkness. I want to be fully armed with the armor of God. I want to be equipped so that at the end of my time I can hear those precious words, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" (Matt 25:23)

Victim or victory?

I've been having conversations with different people on the same topic lately. The only reason to deduct from why this topic has been so prevalent in my conversations is that I must have something to learn or share.

It started with a coworker. We were discussing the "necessary evils" of hiring people that are not up to par with our standards. At one point it sounded, to me, like he was making excuses for them. He used the term "victim of circumstance" which instantly boiled my blood. Of course it wouldn't be possible for some random kid born in Kenya to be the President of the United Sta---oh wait. bad example. ummmmmmm...new example, it would be ok in my conscience for someone to claim "victim of circumstance" if they were raised in the middle of nowhere with no source to the outside world and no opportunity or knowledge of opportunity. However, I find little to no excuse for the rest of the population. The whole 'I was raised on welfare so that's all I know' crap is frustrating. Here are some statistics/facts for you:

In the United States, each year, between 7,000 and 12,000 children lose a parent to suicide, the researchers estimate.
If a girl's biological parent has committed suicide, she is 4-5 times as likely to make a suicide attempt.
Abuse is also a major predictor of children trying to kill themselves. Being abused as a child makes you 3 to 4 times more likely to become depressed or suicidal as a teenager or adult. Sexual abuse is the type of abuse that is most strongly associated with suicide attempts. It is thought that 15- 20% of all suicide attempts in teenagers and young adults can be linked to child sexual abuse.
(taken from this website and others randomly on google)

By all accounts, I should be part of this statistic. My brother should be angry and hateful. My sister should be bitter and emotionally damaged. Do we have our scars? Yes. Do we remember awful things that happened in our life? Yes. But do we choose to let them define who we are? No. And you don't have to either. See, I have this secret. It's called freedom. No not, this:

 

 

 

But this:

Due to no merit of my own, grace has been given to me to live a life that is above and beyond the "necessary evils" and "victim of circumstance" stories. A life that is full of forgiveness, comfort, grace, strength, confidence, freedom and unconditional love is waiting for you to just say yes to Him. If you were hungry and someone gave you food, you would eat it. Well, if you are sad, hurting, angry, insecure, unsure of life, scared or any other emotion, God is stretching out His hand to offer you "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding" (Phil 4:7) And when you think about it, it really doesn't make sense. I have every excuse to be sad, angry, hurt and bitter, but I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I have my days. I still have days where I look at Ryot, burst into tears and get angry that my mom isn't here to be her Grandmom or whatever it is that she would have wanted to be called. I still go through phases and hear songs or see movies that make me angry or bawl my eyes out, but it's not permanent. I have a moment of real human emotion, and then I am surrounded by the love and hope that I have in Christ. Instead of a miserable life of pain, I have hard moments every now and then followed by more joy than I could have ever imagined.

It's not just a myth. It is the most real thing in the world. It's not fleeting, it's everlasting. It's not something that's earned, but something that is given and available.

Why choose to be a victim, when you can already have the victory?



It just feels good.

I've lost 14 pounds since January 5th. I finally decided I was unhappy with what I had to look at and I changed it. I will continue to lose weight and gain more confidence.

My apartment is, for the most part, clean. I have a couple more boxes to unpack, but it actually looks like a home. Now I just need to get pictures on the wall and the rest of my furniture in place.

I'm not sad anymore. And I'm not sad anymore because I decided not to be.

I finally decided that I didn't want to live in the "lazy", in the "unkempt" and in the "sad" anymore. I finally realized that by not doing what I am supposed to do, I was actually creating more stress. Coming home and being too "tired" to clean and put boxes away was actually creating an environment making me more tired and stressed out. However, I can now come home to a clean stress-free environment with a huge sigh of relief instead of the sigh of overwhelming "to-do's" in my face.

It feels great. Kinda like the feeling after a new hair cut or when I finally accomplish a goal I have been desperately striving for. Kinda like a breath of fresh air after stepping off of an airplane or taking a huge gulp of water after a good workout.

It just feels good. I like it.

Who makes the better argument?

There are very few questions or statements that truely stimulate my intellect and light a fire to my thinking cap other than this:

"Who makes the better argument?"

 

Ahh, I love it! I don't so much like to be IN the debate, but I love to witness a good debate. I love to see the wheels turning in someone's head as their beliefs, experiences and organized theories are challenged. Even if I believe the person is wrong, there is something to be said about the one who makes the better argument. Was it their verbiage? Their tone of voice? Their extensive knowledge on the subject? It could be a number of reasons, but someone had the edge.

 

On a light note, this morning I read a little debate about coffee, which if you know me you know I LOVE. One Dr. argued that there are so many benefits to drinking coffee that everyone should partake. She gushed about how the clinical studies show a decline in the percent of recorded and admitted depression. The other Dr. said that while there are benefits to coffee, it should be treated as a drug only for recreational and occassional use. He went on to say that the afternoon "low" increases depression and raises cortisol levels which is is reason enough to not drink coffee at all. I wish these two would sit down and talk to each other with their charts and clinical findins over a cup of....um....water? And I wish that I could be a fly on the wall - or to not turn into an annoying flying insect - a person sitting at the table with them would suffice. Either way, I wish I could be there, drinking coffee (yessssss) and listening to the reasoning behind their ideas.

 

On a much more serious note, we saw the "social media trial of the century" (here) where Casey Anthony had every hateful finger in America pointing against her for the murder of her 2yr-old daughter, Caylee. Reading the articles and Wikipedia summary about Caylee's death is sickening. I have my views that I could rant and rave about but that is not what my goal is today. My question in this moment about this particular case, is who made the better argument? They - whoever "they" are - say that the prosecution relied too heavily on Casey's shady character instead of being able to prove how Caylee was murdered (which in my opinion was enough ALONE to seal the deal). What psychological pictures did the defense paint to even give the slightest hint of "reasonable doubt"?

 

On a much much more serious note, I have to be honest and say that I so often fall short in providing a good argument for my faith. This being prefaced by a couple paragraphs above when I said I would much rather witness the debate than actually be in it. I have no problem expressing my opinions, beliefs, or thoughts on any particular issue. I know what I believe and know all the Bible words to say that I have heard pretty much my whole life. But at the end of the conversation, day, year, life - will I be able to say that I made the better argument for why Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life? He has taken me from a broken, horrible place into a communion with Him. He has given me unmerited favor that can't compare to any gift I have ever or will ever receive.

 

Isn't is my responsibility and ultimately should be my joy to make the better argument?

A New Chapter

New Blog. First Blog Post. So much pressure. Will it be witty? Serious? Short and sweet? Long and theoretical? Boring? Challenging?

I created this blog today. There was nothing wrong with my old blog. I liked the layout and the design. It was easy to navigate, easy to create new posts and easy to follow posts that I liked. It was, however, too easy to read back over old posts and become discouraged. The Art of Transparency had its time and place to shine. It served its purpose but now I’m on a new chapter, a new page, a new book even. I’m rewriting this story. I’m “changing my stars” (yes, an ‘A Knight’s Tale’ reference, get over it. RIP Heath Ledger)

As I close the chapter on that blog, I must say that transparency really is an art. And one that I feel I can never truly master. It’s easy for me to be honest with other people. It’s decidedly more difficult to be completely honest with myself. How was I really feeling, even if it was wrong? What were the raw emotions, even if I thought I sounded foolish? I learned a great deal about my myself that was unexpected. I learned that the expectations I had of myself were honestly a lot higher than I was prepared for…a lot higher than they should have been. I learned that I was expecting myself to be perfect and bounce back from tragedy as if nothing had ever happened. I learned that I was expecting myself to be stronger than humanly possible. I was holding myself to this superhuman level of untouchable that I was literally drowning in 3 foot pool with a life vest already wrapped around me. At least looking back now, that’s what it looks like. I have all of this head knowledge of who I am in Christ. I have THE great book, the Bible, that gives me all of the ammunition to fight the spiritual warfare that we are in. I am redeemed and forgiven. There is nothing that can take away my joy and salvation. There is nothing that can strip my God of his power, might, grace and love. I, as a child of the Most High King, have already obtained the victory over death and sin by the shed blood of the perfect son of God, Jesus Christ. And there is nothing – not heartbreak, not warfare, not worldly expectations – that can take that away from me.

So this is Tales of the Untamed. I don’t know what God has in store for the next couple days, months, years, but I am surely looking forward to it.