Tuesday, December 23, 2014

One in front of the other

Looking down at my feet, one step in front of the other. I see her little chucks, one step in front of the other, beside me on the sidewalk. I see her little arm swaying back and forth matching my arm swaying back and forth which each step, one in front of the other.

For a moment I'm once again 7, walking one step in front of the other, next to her walking one step in front of the other. She told me that we sway our arms when we walk to keep balance. Like blinking, it was something that our bodies did naturally. I could control it, I told her. My arms didn't have to sway for me to keep balance. Then she laughed as she watched me struggle to walk a straight line with my arms stiff against my little body.

She was right.

It's funny how those memories can sneak up on me. Sly little foxes, they appear at random moments, refreshed by the simplest things, like swaying arms.

Another year gone, another Christmas without her. I don't really remember the last Christmas where she was included. How would I have known at 7 that I needed to remember it? Oh, how I wish I remembered it. But now she is gone. All I have is pictures and memories with faint details from over 17 years ago.

17 years. It's been that long? Crazy how much has happened since then. I've made a quite a few decisions and changes in those years, some good and some not so good. But it's led me here, and I'm so grateful.

Why do I take so many pictures? Why do I post so many memories and funny conversations on Facebook?

Because one day I was walking with my mom, swaying my arms side to side and the next I was walking with my daughter and only the memory of my mom.

This life is a short snippet of eternity. Remember everything. Write it down. Take pictures. Remember smells, and conversations. Cherish every moment. Don't forget to take it all in. Don't take anything for granted. Don't forget to sway your arms.

Remember that you can't get to the place you want to be unless you step out, one foot in front of the other.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Today was rough

Today was rough.
Hit after hit, I'm worn down.
Bad conversations, stressful situations, rude people.
Today was weird.
It was a day that I just struggle to like people.
These days don't happen often, thankfully.

I'm so glad God doesn't have days like these.
We are infinitely more difficult, rude, untrusting and unloving towards Him, and each other, and He never turns His back on us.
He is always there.
Always with open arms to welcome us home.

I'm so thankful.
Goodness, I need Him.



I need Thee, oh I need Thee, every hour I need Thee.
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.





Friday, December 19, 2014

5 Min Fridays - It doesn't feel like Christmas

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, what happens is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, set, go!

It doesn't feel like Christmas. I'm a little disappointed. I've been trying to play Christmas music. I have put up some Christmas decorations, but not nearly as much as I would like due to budget limitations. I haven't even gotten all of the presents for Sweetness. 

I guess it's hard to sing "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" when it's 75 degrees outside. I want to wear a coat and need a beanie. I want to wear boots and not be sweating at the office. I want to cuddle outside on the porch with a blanket, not shorts and a tank top. I don't want to check the weather to see if I need to wear short sleeves. I want to need to go get ice off my windshield, not turn the A/C on. This is so depressing.

People keep asking me if I'm ready for Christmas. Yes. I was ready for Christmas before Thanksgiving. It's my favorite time of the year and this weather is ruining it! I know the meaning of the Christmas season is celebrating the birth of Jesus. And I know that I can do that in whatever weather.

From experience I know I can't wait for my feelings to validate what I know to be true.
I just wish it felt like Christmas. 

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Renewal: come home

"I am changing my diet."
"I am changing my hair color."
"I am changing my routine."
All of these things we have control over to come extent. Then there is the tricky part of trying to change who we are. 

Missy from 631 says "Change occurs when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of change."
Google defines change as "make or become different".

Arnold Bessier says "Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not."
I think what Arnold is talking about is actually renewal.
Google defines renew as "resume an activity after an interruption".

Psalm 51:10 says "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew in me a right spirit."
Isaiah 40:31 says, "but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
2 Corinthians 4:16 says, "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day."

I've tried to be who I'm not. I've tried to do things to please others. I've tried to sound like I know what I'm talking about. I've tried to earn the approval of friends and relatives all while pushing my self-love on the back burner. 

I believe the whole Bible is true.
This means I believe that I was fearfully and wonderfully designed before I even entered the womb.
Also it means that I believe designing me was not just done wonderfully for the sake of being wonderful but that I was created in the image and likeness of God. 

I also believe that when I laid down my heart and confessed that Jesus is the way, truth, and the life, the Holy Spirit entered my heart with a victorious celebration. My sins were forgiven once and for all. From that moment on, my life was claimed as a child of the King; royalty finally come home and reconciled to a loving Father.

This means that I went from definition sinner to definition saint. I was then a new creation with a clean slate and a promise that I would never be left or forsaken. Everything changed. My home was no longer this world, it is heaven. My mission was no longer survival but thriving with joy and peace. My hands were no longer bound for idle toil, but destined to heal the sick and hold the broken. My heart was no longer stained with the black tar of sin, but clean, fresh, and white as snow.

This world no longer had any claim on my emotions, mind, or soul.
From that moment on, I was free.

Any time after that point that sin appears in my life, it's not because I am bound to it. It is a choice that I have to walk through that door, open that web browser, say those words, or listen to those lies.

It's a choice that I don't have to make. It's a choice that you don't have to make.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Romans 12:2

This is not a set of rules or an impossible charge to complete. This is an invitation to come home. The King invites you to lay down self-fulfillment, entitlement, depression, anxiety, insecurity, and longing and be filled with peace, patience, joy, gentleness, and a love so fulfilling that you never are in want or need again.

It's a renewal. It's a coming back to something you ALREADY possess.
He isn't withholding strength and then giving you a brand new vile when it's time.
He is there with you, inviting you to draw from the strength that is already IN you.
He is asking you to remove the blinders that the world tries to put on you and see the light that is already in you.
It's not you in your worldly armor, it the Holy Spirit in you.
The Spirit you received when you believed in Jesus.
The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead.

It's time for renewal. It's time to be rejuvenated by the one who gives life. It's time to come home.

Max or Min?

Looking for daily prompts to promote constant writing? Check out many inspiring prompts posted daily here. When you click the link, it will take you to the prompt that inspired me to write today.



I often find Maximalism, at it's highest point, hard to follow when I'm reading a story. I want to know the point. I want to know what the author is trying to say, and am usually less concerned with the details of how the scene looked. I guess I think my imagination can do that for me. I don't need you to tell me what color her dress was. What matters more to me is the emotions she was portraying and why. What happened? And what did she do about it?

Strange that I think this way, though, because I am bound by the idea that in order for me to write a book that would be accepted well, I would need to write more from a Maximal standpoint. I don't add a lot of details. The few times that I have tried to write fiction, the most feedback I get is about my lack of details.

Maybe a book that I write would be well received. I will never know unless I try it.

Is your writing style described more as minimalism or maximalism?

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Momma's Musings

I couldn't come up with a title for this one. I was having trouble bringing it down to one short and simple phrase that encapsulates all that I was thinking and feeling while writing this. I left it open to the first person who gave me an idea and my friend Ann came through for me. You can check out her blog by clicking here. She is always so wonderfully encouraging. 

So here it goes: Momma's Musings



My Sweetness is not always sweet. Shocker, right? I know. I'm sorry to burst your fantasy bubble.

When I was pregnant I prayed that she would be fiercely independent, confident, strong, assertive, and that she would love people well. The first couple things she has down pat. She is a pro. But love? That is a little tricky. I know for a fact that she loves me, Mr, our pup, and I can list a couple other people that she undeniably loves. But loving people in general? Being friendly and likeable? Not usually.

Monday, as we were walking trough HEB, people that approached her didn't meet the Sweets that I know. They didn't see her creativity and spunk. They didn't get to hear her laugh and know what she is passionate about. Instead they met a shy and grumpy little girl who didn't want to have any part in talking to strangers; unwilling to say hello, with a scowl on her face. She didn't care if they liked her at all. She was just cruising on her own path. I am thankful that I don't have to worry about her talking to strangers, but this is not exactly what I expected.

Gosh, am I doing this parenting thing right? What is 'right', anyway? I definitely got what I prayed for. Did I maybe pray too much? Why did God give me what I was asking for? Was I so scared of her becoming the pushover, door mat that I was growing up that I prayed for a quadruple portion of confidence? What do I have to offer her? How can I, as an insecure extrovert, try to guide and raise a confident introvert like my sweet girl? I don't understand how she thinks sometimes. I know what to expect and can be prepared to handle the decisions she makes because I know her, but I don't understand why or how she comes to the conclusions she does. Our brains are different. Our personalities are different. Our souls are different and unique.

I was talking to a friend on Sunday about the possibility of kids in the future for him and his wife. One of the topics we discussed was about expectations and the impossible scale of comparison that is created when our happiness depends on our children's behavior. He laughed when I told him to throw all of his expectations out of the window. I used to always hate when people would tell me that I would understand when I had kids, but it's so true. I explained to him that if I birthed the perfect kid, how perfect is designed in my brain, then I wouldn't need God; and children are definitely one of the ways to get people to cry out to God for help.

I'm not just talking about behavioral issues.
I'm talking about the almost unbearable pain it is to where your heart literally outside of your body.
I'm talking about loving someone so much who doesn't even know what love is.
I'm talking about the mystery of beginning with a helpless baby and ending with a responsible, kind, loving, helpful, passionate, hardworking person who chases after God.

Am I a responsible, kind, loving, helpful, passionate hard working person that Sweetness can look up to? What am I modeling for her?

I do my best. I pray, a lot. I read my Bible. I pour my heart out to God. I journal often. I seek counsel from friends, family, and leaders. I am always consciously aware of my need for more of Jesus.

That is the point. That is all that's needed.
If I believe that God is powerful, all-knowing, sovereign, and loving, which I do, then seeking Him is the best possible thing I can do.

I am not perfect. Sweets is not perfect.
But somehow, according to a grand master plan, we are the perfect match for each other.
And my heart probably could burst into a thousand pieces with the overwhelming love I have for my precious, sweet, adorable, angel.

And I will not quit praying for her and fighting for her and loving her until I draw my last breath.

So today, I will quiet my insecurity.
I will rest in the beautiful truth that God loves Sweets more than I do and is more than willing to guide Mr. and me through the crazy journey of parenting.
I will believe that He knows what He is doing by giving me the great gift of being her mommy.
I will learn to laugh at myself and get up after I fail, and fail again.
I will continue to strive to be the best example of a Godly woman that I can be for my smart, confident, loving, spicy Sweetness.
Most of all, I will try my hardest to showcase who Jesus really is and the vast love He has for her.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Playdoh lessons

I set the playdoh on the table. Red, Yellow, Blue, and White.

"Don't mix the colors together, Sweets, ok?" I said as I walked to switch the laundry over. Then I heard a distinct, "why not?". The question didn't come from her, but it very well could have.

I stopped on my way to the laundry and turned around to walk back to the table. Then I abruptly turned back around because the laundry needed to be turned over still. I turned the laundry and then made my way back to the table.

"Sweets, do you wanna see what happens when you mix the colors together?"

Excitement filled her eyes and as if she was about to receive something magical, she whispered, "yes, momma."

The next hour was a perfect hour spent making green, purple, orange, brown, pink, light blue, light yellow and a variety of other random not named colors. That hour was perfect. The dishes needed to be done, the floors were crying for a broom, but this is what I NEEDED to do.

I wonder what other things that I am saying why to that I need to be saying why not to, instead.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Who are you working for?

A few weekends ago, I had taken the dog out, fed her, deep cleaned and reorganized the entire kitchen, cleaned little girl's room, and made coffee while taking care of the Sweetness all before 8 am. Was he going to notice? In the perfect world, would he wake up, give me a kiss on my puffy, no make up, morning face, tell me I look beautiful and then marvel at the amount I had accomplished so early?

Would it bother me if he didn't notice at all?
Honestly, yes. It would. Why?

As I was cleaning, Colossians 3:23-24 came to mind,

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Well hello there, gut punch. Work as unto the Lord. What does that look like practically? Well a good place to start is to get rid of that running tally mark system I have going in my head. There is no more I did this, so you do that mentality. I did this, as unto the Lord. And I will gladly do that as well, as unto the Lord.

This is so hard. How is it possible to do the best of your ability without seeking merit for what you've done? There is something to be said about desiring good results from hard work. If I work hard on a new cake recipe, I want it to taste good. If I spend a lot of time cleaning, I want someone to notice.

The only snag in this line of thinking is that someone does notice. My Pastor recently pointed out that we are so quick to believe that the air we breathe is real, but we don't realize or believe the presence of the Holy Spirit that is everywhere, all the time. Work as unto the Lord. Work hard to please the Lord. That should be even more of a motivation than to please my husband or my daughter or my house guests.

If I am truly working to honor and please the Lord, then it doesn't matter what others think. God is interested in the motive behind what I'm doing more than what I'm actually doing.

How do I accomplish this?
Let me first begin by saying I'm not that good at it, but I'm improving. I'm determined that will change and hopefully in a short time I will be able to say that I'm better and will continue to improve!

One thing that is absolutely necessary to making this happen is my quiet time in the morning. I need that time with Him. I need that sweet rest and rejuvenation that I receive by pouring my heart out to Him, praising Him for His goodness and faithfulness, and receiving my encouragements and charges for the day. If I don't start my day out this way, I am lucky to end the day with just barely functioning. If I want to thrive, I have to come to the feet of Jesus and just rest in His promises.

Something else that helps is scripture memory. "But I'm terrible at scripture memory!", you say. No, I am the worst at scripture memory. It's nearly impossible to keep anything longer than a day old in my brain. It's REALLY hard for me, but so incredibly beneficial. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I was working unto the Lord, but I had already had that verse hidden in my heart. He was just reminding me of something that I already knew.

Another really important thing is surrounding yourself with people who love Jesus, respect their spouses, love people, and dearly desire to change the world. This has changed my whole life. They help me not focus on whether my husband will think I'm sexy, and instead I am thinking of ways that I can honor and serve Him, which is just plan hard to do sometimes. I have friends that won't make me feel better when I am throwing a fit, but will instead flood me with truth and encourage me to do the right thing. It's just a good reinforcement on how I want to live my life.

The last thing that I do is sing. I meditate on worship and bury those songs deep in my heart. I sing them often, sometimes without even thinking about it. But it's good when you heart and brain's autopilot is still singing praises to God. It just helps me. It might not help you. To each their own.

I will never be perfect. I will never get it right all the time. I don't even get it right most of the time right now. But I'm trying. I'm striving. I'm striving to know more, do more, be more. I'm striving to honor more, cherish more, and serve more. I'm striving to sacrifice self and not give 50% effort, but instead give 100% effort, 100% of the time.

I'm striving to be more like Jesus, while still being me.
Not easy, but not impossible, and so worth it.

For those of you wondering if I got the response I wanted, the Mr. woke up, noticed the clean house and gave me a kiss. He didn't have to, but God gives good gifts, and marrying my handsome Mr. was one of the best gifts I have ever received.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

I can't think outside the box

I don't know how to think outside the box. It's actually more than that. I don't even really enjoy thinking outside of the box. I don't know why this has been brought to my attention more and more lately, but it has me seriously analyzing my thought process.

Today my handsome Mr. asked me "If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?" Oh dear, anxiety, I don't like that question. Why? Why not dream, and dream big? Sounds inviting and exciting, right? I often see those motivational posters, E-cards, and GIF's that people post. It's a nice idea that makes me sigh longingly thinking about the future, but those thoughts are still within certain parameters. Reasonable parameters.

Parameter as defined by Wikipedia (reliable source, I know) as this:

Parameter in its common meaning, is a characteristic, feature, or measurable factor that can help in defining a particular system. A parameter is an important element to consider in evaluation or comprehension of an event, project, or situation.

I like this. It seems right. Don't ask me what I would want if I could have anything. My immediate response is to only answer that question with a string of several other questions.

Anything? Anything pertaining to what, exactly? For right this second? Or for forever? Are you wanting to find me a Christmas present or are we talking super powers and curing cancer? Anything that we can afford? Or any anything in the whole realm of everything? That's a daunting task. Pick only one thing? What's more important? I would need to make a list of the pro's and con's of everything that I could possibly want/need. But there are people out there that need something more than me. So now my list would need to include a list of any anything that anyone of everyone could possibly want or need from now until forever? And are we talking tangible things? Or intangible things? Are you asking as a fun question for now or for life goals?

What type of answer are you looking for?
Why does it matter what they are looking for?

This is not the first time that it has surfaced, either. I have been faced with these types of questions a lot recently. It actually all started with the queen of asking out of the box questions, one of my friends, Lana. I don't remember what question she posted on Facebook, but I do remember answering it the best that I knew how. Then to my dismay I saw other comments coming in. I also remember getting slightly stirred and posting another comment saying something to the effect of, "I didn't know that was an option". Lana, I'm assuming with a smile on her face, commented that her friends often think outside of the box. After Facebook stalking her page for several weeks, I saw just how absolutely right she was. She might as well post a blank status and have people comment random things. (That is a tad dramatic, I realize.)

People used to tell me when I was younger that I was a dreamer. I believed them, however, as I age both physically and mentally, I realize that they were equating joy and optimism with dreaming. An eternal optimist? 100% accurate. A dreamer at heart? Within a certain set parameters of achievable goals, yes. But is that really dreaming? Isn't that just setting a goal and working hard to obtain it?

Webster defines a Dreamer like this:

One who lives in a world of fancy and imagination.
One who has ideas or conceives projects regarded as impractical.

I know a large part of this commotion in my brain and heart is a touch of envy. It looks so freeing to be able to think without rules, parameters, or consequences. But was this a problem with my thinking? Is it ok to be ok with thinking inside the box? Was I just being complacent? Was it better to think outside the box? Was I just comparing myself to others, or did I discover something that I can change in myself to be better?

A couple weeks ago I took a personality test. Not a BuzzFeed, What is your spirit animal, type test, but an in-depth, *Myers-Briggs personality exam. When I received the results, they were spot on through every account, down to the synopsis picture it gave me.

As I read the description, I read a string of sentences that made me happy, honestly a little too embarrassingly happy to admit. It says that the ESFJ works best with structure, rules, guidelines, and organization. It was the first time that I heard/thought that there was nothing wrong with me or my thinking. (We can analyze that string of thoughts and conclusion later) Somehow in that very moment, whether right or wrong, I knew that there were other people out there like me. That was just enough momentary comfort to send me into my next round of analysis.

What does this mean? For my thinking? For my analysis of problems? For my life? How does this line up with what I believe? Is my personality holding me back? That sounds like a silly question, but it's not. How can I have faith in a great and powerful God who can do anything if my brain can't even wrap around what that "anything" could possibly be? How can I pray for miracles, if my mind is limited to tangible assets and liabilities? I know that not everyone is given the same spiritual gifts, abilities, and callings, but what part of it is useful for the kingdom and was specifically chosen for me by God, and what part has been ingrained in my thinking through the influences and experiences of this world? What part of this do I embrace as me wholeheartedly and be the best that I can be, and what part of that do I defy and say that I am not limited by my mere physical brain because I have the Spirit of the Living God who raised Christ from the dead living in me? At what point does one over take the other, or how do they work together for maximum efficiency and effectiveness for the Kingdom?

I wish I had an answer for you. I wish I could close this blog out with some meaningful epiphany that explains it all. But I don't. I'm still working through it. I'm still journaling and praying. I'm still in progress. I still have a LOT of work to be done in me.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will." 

So the renewing and testing continues...

*You can take the personality exam by clicking here.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Hallelujah will be my chorus

Psalm 18:30-35 
As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You make your saving help my shield, and your right hand sustains me; your help has made me great.

Help me see through your lenses when my eyes are foggy with fear.
I'm helpless, but you are powerful.
I don't understand, but you see and know all.
I am worried, but you are merciful and so gentle in the way you receive me.
I am flawed, but you are perfect.
My heart is easily swayed, but you are steadfast.
My flesh makes hasty judgment but you are wise and discerning.
You have been good, you are good, and you will continue to be good. All the time.

Any feat you request, my answer is yes.
Through any storm, hallelujah will be my chorus.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Lullaby Osmosis?

Listening to worship songs, in between intermittent snores, rise in Sweetness' room as lullabies and my mind can't help to wonder: Did I do enough to show her the the Father's heart today? Did I pour into her heart enough? Did I listen enough? Did I give her love in the best way SHE receives it? Did I show her enough kindness and compassion that she would know how to model kindness and compassion to others? Probably not, but I did my best. My heart aches for her to chase after Him. I pray, from the deepest corners of my soul, that those sweet lyrics rest over her heart, fuse into her memories, and that she would grow to know the vast love the Father has for her.

I live in the wonder of Your love
You rise like the sun in my heart
Even when the night draws near me
There You are

I will wade in the water of mercy
I will walk in the light of Your will
Whatever should come against me
Teach me to be still

As You sing over me
Draw me close to rest in Your peace
Sing over me, oh, sing

Sing of Your unending faithfulness
That knows no doubt or fear
In the face of all that I don't know yet
Remind me of who You are

Sing over me
Draw me close to rest in Your peace
Sing over me, oh, sing

You are mighty, You will save
Rejoice over me with singing
You will quiet by Your love
Glory over me with singing

You are mighty, You will save
Rejoice over me with singing
You will quiet by Your love
Glory over me with singing

Sing over me
Draw me close to rest in Your peace
Sing over me, oh, sing

Oh, sing over me
Draw me close to rest in Your peace
Sing over me, oh, sing
Sing


-Bethany Dillon and Nichole Nordeman "Sing Over Me"

Monday, November 17, 2014

This Mountain

1 Peter 5: 6-11
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober minded; be watchful, your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever.

I don't know how to handle this mountain. It's too big. Too close to home. You say here humble myself so that you may exalt me, not can. Interesting choice of words. Humbling myself then is not a big red button that allows you to exalt me, but a heart requirement that puts me in the perfect position to hear you, see you work, feel you move in my heart and really see changes. Well here I am. I don't know how to handle this mountain. I don't have the answers or the map the find the answers. I don't know what to do with these feelings of anxiety and fear that swell up. This is a situation that I can't control, but you care. You so sweetly care for me and my family.

You say to be sober-minded and watchful. I know there is an enemy. I'm not oblivious like I was before. I am on guard and will resist his advances. My faith is firm in your truth in Psalm 139 and I believe that truth that you see me, know me, and love every part of me that I relinquish to you as well as the parts that I try to keep hidden.

Psalm 139:1-17
Oh Lord, you have looked through me and have known me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You understand my thoughts from far away. You look over my path and my lying down. You know all my ways very well. Even before I speak a word, Oh Lord, You know it all. You have closed me in from behind and in front. And you have laid your hand upon me. All you know is too great for me. It is to much for me to understand. Where can I go from your Spirit? Or where can I run away from where you are? IF I go up to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in the place f the dead, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning or live in the farthest part of the sea, even there your hand will lead me and your right hand will hold me. If I say, "For sure the darkness will cover me and the light around me will be night," even the darkness if not dark to you. And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are the same to you. For you made the parts inside m. You put me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you, for the greatness of the way I was made brings fear. Your works are great and my soul knows it very well. My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret and put together with care in the deep part of the earth. Your eyes saw me before I was put together. And all the days of my life were written in your book before any of them came to be. Your thoughts are of great worth to me, Oh God. How many there are! If I could number them, there would be more than the sand When I awake, I am still with you. 

This type of mountain is different. It's tall and wide with hidden caverns and winding roads. It's unknown territory. It's terrifying. But in 1 Peter you say that there are other people just like me who are dealing with the same mountain. It's a relief to my soul to know that I am not alone on this journey. I wish I could meet that person; that one in the same boat as me. But would that be beneficial? Would we just encourage each others fear? Would they have different levels of anxiety that would add to mine? No, maybe it's best that I don't know that person. I don't need any help in finding different dimensions of this mountain to fear. But it is a sweet, quiet hum in my soul to know that I am not alone in staring at this mountain. I will pray for you, my dear friend. Whoever you are out there dealing with this treacherous mountain. I pray that the same peace I long for will come to you swiftly and that your mountain will not just be moved, but will be blown to pieces in the powerful name of Jesus. And in the meantime, before God handles this in the way that only He can, I will pray that He quiets your mind and shows you endlessly that He is for you, and that He is good. All the time.

I know that this mountain is temporary. And I know that that word "temporary" is such a fluid term for this life. Will this mountain go away while I'm still alive, or is the mountain temporary while I am still on this temporary earth? Will it be solved? Will justice be dealt like my human heart so desires? Or will I die still praying the same prayers? Either way, I know the question I must ask myself is not if the mountain will go away, but will I still trust and believe that if in this lifetime, this mountain doesn't go away, God is still all-powerful, merciful, just, loving, forgiving, and continuously working good for me; and if I allow it, through me.

Will I allow Him to work good through me in this time? Will I daily strive to choose faith over fear? Will I continue, for however long it takes, to pray believing that God answers prayers? This is the true fight. The mountain itself is just a means to an end. It is the way that the enemy is working to win the battle over my heart and my mind.

I don't know how I would be able to handle this mountain for the rest of my life. But if I do, if relief doesn't come, if things aren't solved. I will still forever proclaim that God is perfect and good in all His ways.

Today, I put on the belt of truth.
Today I say, I am not guaranteed life tomorrow or even the next moment, so for as long as I live, I will continue to proclaim that He is good.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

What makes you come alive?

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Gill Bailie

What makes me come alive?

That ding of a text message, notification from my email, buzz of an incoming call, knock on the door, comment on a blog or post, picking people's brains, hearing their opinions, getting their version of the story, hearing their vision for the future, laughing with my lifegroup, vulnerability, open conversation, trust.
I love to write and I love when people read what I write. I love to hear people's opinion, their stories that are similar or different to mine, and their experiences that have changed them. I love to be connected and intertwined with my friends and family.

Community. That's what makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

It's like I've known him forever. Like he was made for me and I was fashioned for him. There is not much I have been more sure about than my decision to marry Jacob. His laugh when he thinks something is really funny, the way his eyes light up when he sees me, the gentle way he holds Sweetness when she is sleepy, how he provides for us without even thinking about it, his desire to lead our family whole-heartedly after God, those are the things that make me fall more in love with him everyday.

I knew in 7 days that I wanted to marry Jacob. And the thought of possibly having the next 70 years to share with him makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

I'm drawn to a memory of my hand interlaced between the little fingers of my daughter, her head on my chest, and her cute little giggle and whisper of repeating the words I'm saying while praying. Hearing her say thank you to Jesus and telling Him that we love Him is so precious for my soul even if she is just repeating them. I know that by merely saying those words, seeds are being planted of His goodness in her heart, which is the sweetest thing that could she could have.

My little girl talking to Jesus and hearing of His goodness, faithfulness, and love for her and me getting the incredible opportunity to be a part of that as we make memories throughout the years makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

I smile and laugh out loud as I think about the roar of sweet melodies and harmonies accompanied by lifted hands in worship. My community, my friends, my family all praising God with open hearts. Some praying, some crying, some laughing, some on their knees begging for God to invade and fall afresh on us as Jeremy Riddle's song says:

Awaken my soul, come awake
To hunger, to seek, to thirst
Awaken first love, come awake
And do as You did at first

Spirit of the Living God come fall afresh on me
come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul
Pour in me to overflow,
to overflow

Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade

Praise and worship to our worthy, merciful, just, perfect, and loving King.
That makes me come alive.

What makes you come alive? Go do that.


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Warped Warfare

I've always been in awe of Paul preaching the gospel from prison. It's hard to fathom Philippians 1:12-18. In my Southern Baptist Christian American bubble, I always thought that kind of faith was something in the past. They were closer to Jesus, or connected with Him more somehow. I didn't see people have that kind of joy and resolve in tough situations in the regular life I knew. Instead, I saw people complain about their weight or get their feelings hurt too easily over something dumb. It was only during my alone time with God that I would have moments of clarity. My dad leaving, my mom dying, being uprooted and moved to a new family, being separated from my siblings - yet, I believed Jesus came to die for me and all the evil in the world. I believed that the Bible was true, and the Bible said that God was, is, and will always be good.

People told me that God loved me.
I was told that He has a purpose in all things.
But  the picture that had been painted for me of God's character was more of a happy grandpa who knew nothing of the real world. I didn't see the connection between the powerful and Sovereign God of Paul to the nice and happy God that we sang to on Sunday morning.

I wish I knew then what I know now.
The devil's main scheme is to anchor denial, doubt, fear, and lies into your soul. It is my responsibility to use the victory that has already been one to combat every flaming arrow that comes my way. EVERY flaming arrow. I don't have to be persecuted in a foreign country or in prison. I can just be missing my mom one day on a Saturday afternoon and the enemy will creep in like a nasty black smoke to plant seeds of anger, discontentment, sadness, and ultimately doubt that God does care about me.

I wish that someone would have told me this. I knew then as much as I know now that God is real. That wasn't an issue for me. I could study the intricacy of the human body, and see the beautiful creation all around me and just feel His presence. The sun shining down on me would literally feel like His Spirit soaking into my very bones. I knew He was real. The doubt was not planted of His existence, no, but a far more cruel thought. He existed, but He didn't care about me. He had forgotten or made a mistake. Why was I even here if all of that was going to happen to me? Did he not care that I cry myself to sleep? I couldn't measure up to what people were asking of me. I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or good enough. Why did I even exist? Was I some botched experiment that went wrong?

I know now that even typing those words out aches in God's heart. I remember a moment that really changed my life was hearing Matthew West's song "More".

I love you more than the sun and the stars
That I taught how to shine,
You are mine and you shine for me too.
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow I'll say it again and again
I love you more.

Typing the lyrics out from memory still puts a lump in my throat. When the arrows being fired were more than I could combat, God got to me. When I didn't even know how to call out for help, He fought on my behalf. When I was sinking in the waves of the storm, He called out to me to keep my eyes on Him.

The enemy planted seeds of hatred, adultery, and all other types of mistrust in my parent's marriage so that they split when I was young.
The enemy crowded my mom's thoughts and allowed her to make one of the most detrimental decisions a human can make.
The enemy crept into my heart and set up traps on every holiday and even several normal days.
Lies. All lies.

Can I miss my dad and mom and the relationships I could have had with them? Yes. I believe that the Lord grieves with me over what evil has done. But wallow in that grief and let it overtake thoughts of who I am? Absolutely not!

I wish I had known that I could use my circumstances to show God's goodness. I wish I had known that I would have the incredible opportunity to share His love and kindness to people who were in the same boat as me. I wish I knew that it wasn't just something that I had to bear with me and accept the "it's just God's will" statement for the rest of my life. All of my life I have heard people tell me, "It's ok to not be ok." But do they know that it's ok to be ok during the storm too? Why has it become so uncommon for us to have peace when the Author of Peace lives inside of us? Doesn't that seem backwards? 

So I can't do anything else but to beg you not to water down the gospel for other's who are hurting. Let them hurt, yes. They are allowed to grieve. But it hurts worse to have no purpose in pain than to know that God has won the victory over EVERY kind of darkness and there is a way to use this for His glory. We don't have to be sitting targets for martyrdom. We are called to continuously be ready to combat the enemy. We don't only have a shield, we have a sword. We are to fight. We are to deny the enemies claims over our friends and relatives.

I don't have all of the answers for why something specific happens, except that the enemy is actively working to warp your mind and draw you away from the only thing that is truly 100% good for you - a relationship with Jesus.

Don't let that happen.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete."
2 Corinthians 10:4-6

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Now is hard, but now is perfect.

I might be the multitasking queen.
I might be just losing my mind trying to juggle it all.
I might be crazy to take on so much.
I might secretly love the challenge of the chaos.
I might be crazy in love.

Scratch that 'might'. I definitely am.
Crazy in love with Ryot and her beautiful long eyelashes and perfect little hands.
Crazy in love with Jacob and the way he makes me laugh.
Crazy in love with all of my friends and family who are stepping in to make me feel like a million bucks during this crazy wedding season.
Crazy in love with my precious Abba who chases after me when I don't even know which way is up.

Soon, some of the trees will be oranges, reds, and browns and the wind will be refreshing. The leaves will crackle under our feet as we run our errands and visit with family.
Soon, some of the days on my calendar will be empty and I will miss the chaos of going here and there. But this also means that introverted Mr. and daughter will jointly have a pleasant sigh of relief as they revel in the thought of an evening at home.
Soon, it will be Christmas, my favorite time of the year, and I will get to celebrate the birth of Jesus and make memories with my Mr. and Sweetness and Gracie as one family under one roof.
Soon my little sister will be saying "I do" just as I would have recently done and I know I will be crying as all the memories play through my head.

So for now I will run with the wild things, chase my errands, and laugh as everything is somehow crazily being sorted into it's proper place and timing.

I've never been a fan of being in between things, but this time is so sweet and precious to me. There is so much I'm looking forward to, and there is so much I've been through that makes me so grateful for where I am now.

Today is busy. Today is hard. But today is all I've got right now. So I will not wish today away. I will smile and cherish every moment.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Every Single Day

I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of when I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory's yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You're not far from home
-"Out Of Hiding", Steffany Gretzinger

Even typing those lyrics out wrecks me so much. I listen to this album every day. Every. Single Day. This is not an exaggeration. I wake up craving my Bible, journal, cup of coffee and this album playing as all of my walls come crashing down.

I feel He is near and then He gently knocks on one of my doors and asks, "Can I come in?"
"Are you sure you want to?" is the first thing that pops in my mind.
Coming in here is messy. It's chaotic. Sometimes it's not fun. Sometimes it's exhausting.
I find myself doubting. Surely not me, Lord. You want me?
You saw me in all my unbelief and junk and still chose me?

Yes.
So simple.
So huge.
Yes. He chose me.
So I am humbled, honored, and truly beside myself to say I choose Him to. Every. Single. Day.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Thieves don't wear flashing neon signs

God is big. Bigger than you could ever imagine; full of extravagant love, immeasurable patience, perfect justice, overflowing mercy, and incalculable wisdom and knowledge. 

We've heard these things or read them. We know. We might smile reading them, offer up a thank you to Him, or declare them over the mountain we are currently battling. But do we really know deep in our soul? Is it written on our heart?

We stress about our finances, relationships, hardships, or illnesses. Sometimes we get our priorities out of whack. That's normal; human, right? Most Christians won't flat out say, "God can't handle this." But our actions, fear, anxiety, and lack of faith speak even louder. 

The problem is that we are slightly underestimating our enemy and grossly underestimating our Great Victor. What we don't realize is that Satan isn't more powerful than God, but he is sneaky. Most of the time he isn't going to appear on the road and slash a hole in your tire while you are on the way to church. John 10:10a says, "The thief comes only to steal kill and destroy." Of all the stories I've read, thieves tend to break in when no one is home. They steal when no one is looking. They are mischievous, quiet, and typically appear when you least expect it. And we somehow expect Satan, the leader of the thieves, to walk in wearing a flashing neon sign that says, "I'm here to steal your joy"? I hate to break it to you, but that's not how it works at all. 

He creeps in like a silent black smoke. He enters a conversation with your husband and makes you argue over something stupid. He clouds your vision of the beauty that is already in you. He whispers lies; the same lies that you thought you had already gotten over. He makes you assume the worst. He clouds your judgement. He plays stretches your patience. He makes sin look enticing and fun. He makes you sleepy when you should be paying attention. He is responsible for "waking up on the wrong side of the bed."*

*side note: That's not actually a thing. You know that, right? Being happy is a choice. The bed has nothing to do with you being a jerk to your barista before you get your coffee fix. 

**side side note: I'm not speaking for clinical depression or any other imbalance that needs medication or medical attention. I'm speaking for the people who just don't want to act right in the morning.

The only reason acceptable is that you didn't realize the enemy creeping in to steal your joy and purpose. 

We don't need to pray, "God, help me be strong." The same strength that raised Jesus from the dead lives in you. A miracle of raising to life after being dead for three days doesn't cut it? What more strength could you possibly be looking for? 

Instead I pray, God, help me to see. Help me to feel. Help me to discern what is true. Help me to realize the potential and power I have with your full artillery in my support. Help me to remember the victory is already won. Help me to give a good testimony of your greatness by your grace no matter what is in front of me. 

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

The crap that happens on this earth is not the only thing life is about. What matters is that all people get to taste and see the goodness of the Lord. (Psalm 34:8) He is good. He is always good. Relationship with Him is sweet and my most precious possession. Anything that is not good does not originate from His character. There is grave evil in the world; sneaky smoke that creeps in to destroy everything that Jesus died to save and set free.

We are human. We get to make decisions. That is the freedom that has so graciously been given to us. We get to choose to love. We get to choose to harness the power inside of us to change the world. We get to silence the foe and avenger (Psalm 8:2). Along with that, we also get to discern that any thing that in it's current state of not bringing glory to God is not permanent; but a distraction and lie from the enemy. It is actually our next opportunity to change what was meant for evil to be used for good to the glory of the Great King. (Genesis 50:20)

Stop letting the enemy steal your joy! When you feel that creep of impatience, discontentment, unrest, ungratefulness, complaining, abandonment, rejection, mistrust, anxiety, or anything other than what is perfect and meant for our good, you have to call that smoke for what it is. Because in that moment, God hasn't left. He is still there. The enemy has been doing a great job convincing you that you don't have the victory, but you do. He was already defeated on the cross. You have the power. And this is your opportunity to shine. 

Have you ever thought of it that way? That obstacle is an opportunity for you to show off God's power. That conversation is an opportunity for you to show the unconditional love of God. That moment with your children is an opportunity to give them a glimpse of His character. That irritation with your spouse is an opportunity to practice selflessly giving love and acceptance to others whether they deserve it or whether they even will accept it. 

This is our responsibility. Not a forced chore that we have to be burdened with. But an honor to defend the name and character of our Great God and reclaim what the thief has been stealing!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

That's worth smiling about

I hear you saying
You don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me 
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here with me 
And love on me a little longer


Just letting these words resonate deep in my soul this evening. Sometimes it's hard to understand that the perfect, wonderful, all-powerful, all-knowing God wants to just sit with me and love on me. I know full well all my sins, my attitude problems, my over-analytical mistrust, my independence, my self-satisfying drive, my quirks.  His love is magnified an incalculable amount compared to my love for anything else. That is the good stuff. The meat and potatoes. The brightest color. The most valuable treasure.

I don't have to measure up to whatever scale that society or I have created for myself.
I don't have to do a thing.
That is a beautiful thing worth smiling about. 


Because He delights to answer

"Because I said so" has come out of my mouth a couple times. Ok, more than a couple times. I admit that I sometimes don't have the patience or time to explain things to my 3 year old. Sometimes I do have the time to tell her that if she drinks a second cup of chocolate milk her stomach will hurt really bad and half the time I still get the response "I want it". This means even though I did take the time to explain, my answer is still "No, because I said so." It's how things are right now, because she is 3.

As she grows older and understands more, she will be able to make more informed decisions on her own. She will get the chance to experience what consequences of actions feel like when they aren't all mom's fault. She will also get to the point of shifting the scale from mostly selfish decisions to seeing the bigger picture. The thing is, I love saying yes. I love to tell Sweetness that she can have "brown milk" or that she can watch that movie or that we can go to the park. Sometimes I love to surprise her with special outings that she didn't even ask for. Because I love to bless her. Because she is mine. Because I love her.

My favorite times to say yes are when she is asking for things that aren't merely things. These are my favorite things to say yes to.
I want a hug-- YES I will huge you so tight that you squeak!
I want a kiss.-- YES I will kiss you all over until you are sick of it!
I want you to lay down 'bout me.-- YES I will lay with you and play with your hair.
I want to sit in your yap.-- YES you can always sit in my lap and cuddle.

Yes. Every time, yes.
I don't think I could love her more. I have tried. I can't.
She is absolutely perfect. She is not perfect.
She has flaws and attitude problems.
Sometimes she is too strong-willed.
Sometimes she throws fits in public places or growls at strangers in the parking lot.
Sometimes she just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and is mean for no reason.
She is not perfect in deed, but she is perfect from the freckle on the end of her nose all the way to her feet that are about 2 sizes bigger than everyone else her age.

So I delight to say yes.

If I delight to say yes, how much more would God want to give us what we are asking for?

In 2 Chronicles 1 God tells Solomon, "Ask what I shall give you." He essentially asks Solomon for his Christmas list. The immeasurable, limitless, all-powerful God asked Solomon not just "what do you want" but "what shall I give you?". Dear sweet Solomon replies, "You have shown great and steadfast love to David my father, and have made me king in his place. O Lord God, let your word to David my father be now fulfilled, for you have made me king over a people as numerous as the dust of the earth. Give me now wisdom and knowledge to go out and come in before this people, for who can govern this people of yours, which is so great?" God answered Solomon, "Because this was in your heart, and you have not asked for possessions, wealth, honor, or the life of those who hate you, and have not even asked for long life, but have asked for wisdom and knowledge for yourself that you may govern my people over whom I have made you king, wisdom and knowledge are granted to you."

Solomon asked, and God answered. But God didn't stop there. It delighted God to give Solomon more than he was asking for. God kept speaking and said, "I will also give you riches, possessions, and honor, such as none of the kings had who were before you, and none after you shall have the like." Not only is God giving Solomon what he is asking for, but more than he probably even thought to ask for.

God answered because He delights to answer.

Friday, August 29, 2014

I shall be satisfied with your likeness

Psalm 17:15 As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.

I fell upon this verse this morning and it touched my heart. I love this verse, truly. It appeases my morning person, optimistic personality. This morning when I woke up, I was tired but happy. I slept about 5.5 hours in a ridiculously comfy bed with my little girl cuddled next to me. Divine, really. This season of life has been busy with wedding planning, honeymoon planning, new living structure planning, packing, searching for new daycares, Antioch Training School with my wonderful church which includes about 4 brainfulls of reading, several outreach trips, and regularly scheduled meetings, and regular life in general. Immediately, I started thinking about my to do list, what I was going to wear, and what Jacob and I were going to do this evening: pack. (I don't know if he knows that yet, so shhhhhh)

Most mornings for me are the same. I love them. New beginnings, fresh starts, sunrises, COFFEE. Oh, yes, that sweet heavenly aroma of liquid gold. Even when I was a kid I would wake up ready to go. Through the high school years, I would rather my friends wake up early to go to the beach than stay out partying or watching a movie. You see, when the sun goes to bed, I should be in pajamas. That's just how the world should spin. If by chance I'm not in pajamas, I might fall asleep anyway. Just warning you.

The morning time is a time of refreshment, rejuvenation, excitement for the day; all wonderful things, but sometimes life isn't all wonderful things. David was the perfect example of how life wasn't always riches and rejoicing. I never post a verse without looking at the context so of course I scrolled up on the page of my Bible.is app (you should check it out!) Just a few sentences back you see a desperate plea from David for God to answer his prayer. David didn't wake up like Cinderella and have the birds and forest animals gather his clothes while he whistled a catchy tune. Instead, he cries out in desperation, "Hear a just cause, O Lord; attend to my cry! Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit! From your presence let my vindication come! Let your eyes behold the right!" (verse 1-2) He was not spewing rainbows and butterflies like he does in other Psalms. He was heartbroken, fearful, and in anguish for the Lord to hear His cry. He wanted justice.

Justice is not a bad thing to desire. Part of God's character is to be just. Psalm 37:28 "For the Lord loves justice; He will not forsake His saints. They are preserved forever, but the children of the wicked shall be cut off." He will take vengeance in His hand and spread justice and mercy in their due time. But what I have been learning and dwelling on for the past several months is that God is more of a BE God than a DO God. Who doesn't love to spoil children? I would love to give Sweetness everything that she wants, but more than spoiling her, I just want to be with her. This is how God looks at you. Don't roll your eyes or skim over this part, because it's true. Let it sink in and marinate in your bones. It's not merely a surface love that greets you and departs. It's a best friend that says He is NOT hanging up the phone until you are laughing again. He is NOT leaving you. Ever. He is there with you while you scream into your pillow. He is there watching those chick flicks crying with you after that breakup. He is there when you lost your job and that pit sunk to the bottom of your stomach. He is there when you are so exhausted from being up all night with a crying baby. He wants to be there. He wants you to cry out to Him because He cares about every little detail in your life.

Much like I would ask Sweetness about her day, He wants us to bear all and open ourselves to Him. And only when we open ourselves to sitting and just plain being in His presence will we get to experience the amazing transformation like David did in this Psalm; from "Hear my cry!" in verse 1 to "when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness" in verse 15.

It is possible. It's there for the taking. And it is better than any other candy-coated message of prosperity you could receive. In Max Lucado's book Just Like Jesus, he said, "God loves you just the way you are; but He refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be just like Jesus." God genuinely loves everything about you and where you are in life. What do best friends do when times get tough? They don't just deliver the message you want to hear. They get down in the trenches with you. God doesn't want your attenuated surface response of a simple "I'm fine". He wants to hear of your cry of desperation. John Dawson in his teaching on the Father Heart of God says that, and I'm paraphrasing, when your child gets dirty, you don't reject the child, you reject the mud. You wipe the mud off and you still love the child underneath. So God will step into the mud with you, pull you out, and lovingly wipe away the mud that clouds the beauty of His most beloved creation: YOU.

So this morning, with a smile on my face, I sing

In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
Give me Jesus!

And I sing this because the powerful, merciful, just, all-knowing Father, hears my cry, sees all my faults, and still chooses to call out the truth and love me the same. "I shall be satisfied with your likeness."

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Love Period

I wasn't planning on writing about this. Honestly, when I opened Facebook today, I was dreading that my Facebook feed would still be stories, pictures, and quotes about Robin Williams. I don't say that to be disrespectful at all. He was a hilariously talented man. I am deeply saddened that he felt it necessary to end his life. But there is nothing that I can do about it, so I don't want to keep looking at sad things. Then I saw Matt Walsh's blog post. Then the article about his blog post. Then the blog post in response to all of the critical hate mail he has received. I saw posts from my friends saying that they agreed or disagreed with Matt for whatever reason. So I decided to check it out.

Usually, I agree with Matt. He writes truth. He isn't always as compassionate and loving as I would like him to be, but nevertheless, he does speak truth. In the article titled, "Robin Williams didn't die from a disease, he died from his choice", he is more compassionate than I have ever read and urges people that there is joy and hope. I read both the blog posts that he wrote and some of the responses and articles written about his blog posts.

Honestly, I can't agree with him more. 

In his response blog post titled, "Depression isn't a choice but suicide is: my detailed response to critics", Matt says, "Actually, it seems that for a cancer patient we are more willing to tell them to fight, we are more willing to speak of the power of prayer, and we are more willing to talk about their choices, then we are with depression and suicide. How can this be? We say of the cancer survivor that she beat cancer. But if we use this kind of language with depression and suicide, suddenly we are heinous monsters. How does this make any sense?" and I echo his question, How does this make any sense? I know that depression is hard to talk about. I know that depressed people are not always the nicest. But this is precious, precious life being dangled over the edge of death. He says that if you knew someone that was about to jump from a ledge, you would shout for them to come down. You wouldn't just stand there silently and accept that it's just their fate to die. But we don't do that with depression. If anything, I think we enable it. And I agree whole-heartedly that all of this "glowing" talk about him being free is detrimental to society. What is keeping a hurting, broken, sad, hopeless person from entering this "free land" void of all pain where they can be happy again? It's so scary, and not at all what we need to be telling the people who are obviously not of a clear mind.

I can't give clinical statistics or detailed medical analysis of depression or mental disorders. But I can tell you what suicide does to a family. I know firsthand what the effects of suicide are. First, my mom's boyfriend, and shortly after, my mom herself. So before I'm blasted for not understanding any part of it, I can tell you I know what both suicide and depression feels like. I've never taken medication for depression and I've never been seriously suicidal myself. Why? Because I saw the ripple effect that my mom's decision had on the people around her and vowed to never do that to another person. I remember looking around at my mom's funeral and not knowing 3/4 of the people. I remember still being in shock. At times I wonder if my mom knew that all of the people that came to her funeral loved her or at least cared enough to show up. If they did care, and they told her, did she believe them or even care? Did it resonate with her at all? I will never know. My mom was clearly depressed, overwhelmed and not thinking clearly. I had only just turned 8, so I wasn't aware of the darkest places of her soul. What I knew in my 8 yr old brain was that she was sad, tired all the time, and very often sick. I thought it was normal. But it's not normal and it's not permanent.

I was still naive and didn't understand the deep sadness of depression until she took her life. I agree with Matt that hope, love, and joy can not coexist with the darkness that is depression. I won't go into the details of the effects it had on me in this blog post, but it definitely influenced every part of my life. It completely changed my worldview and I understood depression every minute of every day. It was only when I was bombarded by love that I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. And slowly but surely through the years, God has been so gracious to put people in my life to be mom's, dad's, sister's, brother's, and friend's; none of course replaced my mom, but they have all been incredibly influential pieces of my puzzle, whether blood related or not.

It was love. All the while, it was only love that could infiltrate the darkness.
Love is the answer. Love is the hope. Love is the cure. Love creates joy.

Am I telling people to stop taking medication or seeking medical attention? Of course not! I agree with Matt that depression is every bit spiritual as it is physical. Depression needs to be tended to carefully. I just can't help but speak up for love. We see all of the posts and kind words towards Robin Williams, but I wonder if he knew that he was that influential while he was alive? If we got in the trenches with our relatives and friends who are battling depression, dug into the deep dark places, and watered those bitter roots with love, light, and joy, I can't possibly fathom that it wouldn't make a difference.

Suicide is not freedom. There is hope. Talk to me. Talk to someone. Encourage others to talk about it.

There is love, hope, and joy available for you, for everyone.

Love is all. Period.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Dear QA: Concerned safe driver

Dear Question Answerer,

I like to listen to Christian music in the car. It instantly brightens my mood and helps to give perspective to the stresses of my day. But then I start to worship and all I want to do is close my eyes and lift my hands. Should I not listen to Christian music? Or maybe just trust Jesus to drive the car?

Sincerely,
Concerned safe driver


Dear concerned safe driver, 

That is a great question. Worship is an integral part of life so I can't advise you to stop worshipping. However, driving safe is of the utmost importance, so I have a solution for you! Worship all the time. Worship when you wake up in the morning, bless his name while you are getting ready, sing to him in the car, thank him in the afternoon and praise him before you go to bed. A good starting  point would be to increase your worshipping to 10,000 reasons but keep in mind that you can never have too much worship. This will help make worshipping more of a lifestyle than a single occurrence which will make you a better, happier, and safer person.  

Sincerely,
Question Answerer

Monday, August 11, 2014

Happily Impatient

Today I'm a little impatient.
Impatient for 5pm when I get to leave to go get Sweetness. I really hate that I have to work away from her all day long and the commute doesn't help either. I miss her too much and I hate driving.
Impatient to find a place to live since I only have a month and a half until I have to move. I don't think being in between things. I want to know where I'm going to be and start planning decorations and my life there as a Garza.
Impatient to finalize wedding prep. There is so much I still need to do and I'm having a hard time visualizing it all!
Impatient to get married. I am looking forward to the wedding, of course, but I'm more looking forward to coming back from the honeymoon and waking up that Saturday morning with my Mr., Sweetness and I all under one roof as a family. It can't come soon enough...

But the greatest thing about all of that is they even exist for me to be impatient about!

I have a wonderful job that let's me off at 5pm so that I can go to a fantastic daycare that pours Jesus' love into my little girl while I'm at work.
I have so many options of apartments, condo's and homes that are all within my budget when just a year ago I was struggling to pay for my little 1 bedroom loft apartment for me and little girl.
I am way ahead of schedule with planning and have been incredibly blessed to have so many people offer to help.
I have been given the great gift of being pursued by a handsome man that loves me like Christ loves the church, dotes on me like a Queen, and is wonderfully patient and loving with Sweetness. I am enjoying this time of making memories and allowing God to move and work in us as we prepare for the next great adventure of joining our lives together.

Not that long ago, I didn't have any of those little blessings to be impatient over which makes my heart so glad. I have been blessed beyond comparison.

I'm still impatient. But I'm happily impatient. Does that even make sense?

Monday, August 4, 2014

Open your eyes

Sitting in traffic at a stop light, I see all of the scowls and expressions of frustration as people throw their hands in the air and scream at the car in front of them. Almost automatically I start singing to the radio without registering the lyrics. 


Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,

Oh, for grace to trust Him more. 


Oh how sweet these words are on a hot August day in traffic. It takes road rage and turns it into road praise. It turns traffic updates into people with beating hearts. 


As I surveyed the cars surrounding and passing me, I took special care to look at their faces. The old man with the mustache that's balding. The country boy blaring his music and spitting dip out of his open window. The lady laughing at something her teenager said. Then an almost audible whisper came softly,


Open your eyes. They're drowning. 


I was sitting in the boat peacefully singing how I trust in Jesus and these precious people are passing me by like numbers in a statistic. My heart hurts for them to know the peace that I so desperately cling to. 


Open your eyes to see the hustle around you as people. People that are drowning. People in need of love. 

Realize you have the power to save lives by mending broken bones and broken hearts. 


Open your eyes. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Please join us


The chains have been broken. Your debt has been paid in full. You have been restored to your free status. There is nothing that anyone can do or say that will take that status away from you. You have every weapon you could imagine to your disposal. You have allies in every city and country in the world. You have the map and directions on how to get where you need to be. You also have inside you a supernatural force that empowers you with strength, discernment, and knowledge. 

There is an enemy out there that is stealing from your friends, your family, and you - right in front of you. 
This enemy ruins marriages, steals belongings, sets houses on fire, takes jobs, and slaughters millions of people. 

Are you still standing in the cell?

Why? Two is better than one. Four is better than two. Three thousand is better than four. But if we all stand in the cell, lives will continue to be lost. 

Please, put on your armor. Pick up your sword. Fight with me. Don't let the enemy steal what does not belong to him. 

We are in a battle so if some of us get tired, don't leave us behind. Tensions will be high because there is a lot at stake, but we must not let division happen in the ranks. We have to stick together. We have to have each other backs. We can't let the enemy slip in and place fear or judgment between us. We can't fight about how much armor we have or if yours is nicer than mine. We have been given exactly what we need. And if it keeps us alive that's all that matters. 

Don't try to do what I do. You have a specific set of skills that you have been given. You have weapons I don't. Practice with them. Use them. We are going to need them in this battle. And if you don't use them, who will? We can't afford dead limbs on the tree. We all have to work together. 

See the thing is, we've already won the war, but most of the people here don't know. We have to tell them. We have to give them their armor and weapons. We have to get them out of their cells. But you have to step out of yours, first. 

Please. Please join us. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

The Great Handbag Abyss - 31DC14

What's in my handbag?
Woah, now. This is getting a little personal. If you're sure that you want to embark on the journey to the great abyss that which is my purse, I will accompany you for your safety. 

As we jump into the front pocket, we are immediately greeted with the enticing smell of peppermint from the two new packs of Cobalt flavored 5Gum. Then seemingly out of place you will see America's Number One Ouchless Elastic Bands and some Essential Oil that my dear friend Kathy gave me when Sweetness tried to dance with the ants this past Sunday. (Shout out to Kathy for being an amazing friend to the rescue! Love that woman!) The zipper of this front pocket always stays undone because I chew gum all. day. long. Random fact about me. You're welcome.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, we will venture to the capital of this purse colony. Dun, dun, dunnnnn!

The first thing in my line of sight is my Costa Sunglass case. For those of you who own regular sunglasses, let me just tell you about a product that has changed my life. I used to get headaches often while driving. I was used to squinting my eyes so much that I'm sure I will need botox to get rid of that wrinkle in between my eyebrows. With the Costa's I don't ever have to worry about that! I wear them even if it's not bright outside because I can see better with them than with my eyes alone. The polarized lenses took me about a day to get used to, but now the only thing I notice is the little rainbow of colors that I see when I look at some windows. Who doesn't want more rainbows in their life? They make the world a more magical place which is totally worth the money you spend on them. Unless you have an amazing fiance like I do who buys them for you. (Shout out to the Mr. Thanks darling!) Come on. So without further ado it is, dare I say, my duty to tell you to buy Costa's. Do it. You're welcome, again.

The second thing I see is my beautiful Coach wallet. There's no fancy pattern. It is just blue, which is perfect for me. It is special to me because my niece and my brother in law picked it out for me for my first mother's day after becoming a single mom and living in a brand new state. I wasn't expecting to get anything at all. It was a wonderful surprise that I will cherish forever. (Shout out to you, dear familia! Love you!) I would never purchase a Coach for myself because I hate spending money, but this thing has lasted me 2 years! Durable, cute, and brand name. Golly, I'm spoiled!

A receipt from Target, the CD from my family/engagement/Sweetness pictures with the waiver, a semi-colored picture from Sweetness, a Blue Raspberry Dum Dum wrapper, and my checkbook are wedged in between my wallet and a cute blue flowered bag that I have 3 tubes of chapstick, a tattoo sunscreen stick, hand sanitizer, and deodorant in.  Ya know just random essentials. I'm sure you were just DYING to know this information. You're welcome, again again.

The bottom of my handbag is a mystery to even me. I rarely ever clean out my bag so we will be adventurous together. I found 7 pens and a sharpie, Excedrin Migraine meds, 4 crumpled gum wrappers, a straw from a juicebox, a bag with 29 dollars and a ton of quarters that I used for my sister's garage sale, a pair of 3T training panties for the Sweetness, a hair claw, and my keys.

You see, I'm prepared for life. You never know when you will need a juicebox straw....

31 Day Challenge - Day 14

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Psychoanalysis

So here is the scenario- the car behind me slips to the lane next to me slowly speeding up with full intentions on passing me. This doesn't bother me because they obviously have some urgency, when I do not. There is too small of a gap between the car in front of them and me in the other lane so I lift my foot off the gas to make a little room. That's when they quickly accelerate and cut in front of me like their life depended on it and speed away. I don't mind being passed but it's that last little jolt that's irritating. Like they won over on me or somehow outsmarted me to push their way through the space like I wasn't willingly slowing down to let them over. 

I will probably never see them again AND it really doesn't matter. So why do I feel that small twinge of irritation?
It's nothing that ruins my day, but it does make me question....

What about the situation is frustrating?

Is there anything I could have done to avoid the irritation?

Why does it matter if my kindness is rejected? I should be kind no matter if it is received or not?

Am I just trying to control the situation? Like, am I "allowing" them in because I'm nice and I subconsciously think they should be grateful for my kindness?

What is the real problem rooted in?
I think it stems from a fear of being misunderstood, yes, a need to be understood. 

Why is that important? What other areas of my life does this affect?

Why am I thinking about this? Ha!

Why do I psychoanalize my actions, reactions and interactions?

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The Money Issue - 31DC12&13

This weekend while having dinner with some friends/mentors, I was asked this question:

"If money wasn't an issue, what would your perfect wedding look like?"

I don't like this question. I think I don't like this question because money has always been an issue so I don't know how to imagine money not being an issue. Part of me thinks dreaming is just a waste of time because it just creates an envy in me for what I can't have. I want to dream about things that I can accomplish, yet I know that dreaming will open up doors to places and opportunities that I never imagined I could accomplish. This is my dilemma. I typically want to make achievable goals. But if I will try to relax and be fun instead of so serious, for your sake. So, if I wont the lottery I don't know what I would do with every cent, but here are some things that came to mind (in no particular order):

- Pay off debt
- Secure college fund for Sweetness
- Buy a reasonable house
- Donate to my church and other charities that pull my heart strings
- Go on a cool vacation
- Pour time and my new found resources into making writing more of a possible full-time career.

I'm sure there are more things that I would do with such a large amount of money, but I think those six things are a good start. I know that I would want to use the money to pour into abilities, talents, and opportunities.

I don't know who said it, but it's one of my favorite quotes about money and being frugal.

"To be frugal means to have a high joy-to-stuff ratio."

I would love to win the lottery. But I would have to buy a lottery ticket first, and I'm too frugal for that. ;)"

31 Day Challenge - Days 12 & 13

That morning was my proudest moment - 31DC11

It's scary to be alone. It's scary to be pregnant for the first time, have a baby, be in the care of the worst hospital staff in the US (I'd be willing to bet it is), and to be alone. But we did it, little girl. I stayed up staring at your perfect little features, watching your chest rise and fall with every breath, and just being in awe that you were finally here. Bringing you into the world was intense, scary, and nerve-wrecking. There were so many nurses and doctors in the room. After you entered the world, bliss and the greatest joy overwhelmed any pain or nerves that I felt before. You were and are perfect, beautiful, and best of all, mine.

The next morning when I woke up, you were awake but peacefully taking the world in around you. As exhausted as we both were, we had conquered the the first night, alone but together. Just you and me. 

That morning, just me and you, is my proudest moment. 







Thursday, July 3, 2014

A little now and a little then - 31DC8, 9 & 10

There are some things that gross me out. I can't explain it other than I was created this way. The idea of a needle puncturing the skin, slicing its way through your insides and coming out on the other side just plain FREAKS ME OUT.

IV's
Shots
Piercings

All gross.

I worked up a lot of courage to go get my ears pierced just a few months ago. This would be the 3rd time in my life I have had the pierced and I was determined to not let the holes close up again. I couldn't bear the thought of having to pierce them any more. At least now, I am in a stage of my life that I am not playing sports and sweating almost all day so I can stay clean and they can heal.

Mr. and I went to the shop and I was mentally preparing myself the whole way by talking to Mr., texting friends, taking pictures, and just slightly having an anxiety attack inside. But I was determined to overcome my fears and get this done.

The last time I had earrings was in 2008, as you can see from the pic below.


And here is an old pic from before I even had any tattoos!


And to go back even a little further...this pic is before I ever really cut my hair and WAY before I started dyeing it. THROWBACK for real!

And while we are on the subject of throwbacks, I might as well tell you about one of my very first celebrity crushes....(it's a stretch, I know but I need to catch up on the challenge). I don't know if they were my very first crushes, but they definitely were in the beginning when I started noticing cute boys. 

check out these studs!



You're Welcome.