Friday, August 29, 2014

I shall be satisfied with your likeness

Psalm 17:15 As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.

I fell upon this verse this morning and it touched my heart. I love this verse, truly. It appeases my morning person, optimistic personality. This morning when I woke up, I was tired but happy. I slept about 5.5 hours in a ridiculously comfy bed with my little girl cuddled next to me. Divine, really. This season of life has been busy with wedding planning, honeymoon planning, new living structure planning, packing, searching for new daycares, Antioch Training School with my wonderful church which includes about 4 brainfulls of reading, several outreach trips, and regularly scheduled meetings, and regular life in general. Immediately, I started thinking about my to do list, what I was going to wear, and what Jacob and I were going to do this evening: pack. (I don't know if he knows that yet, so shhhhhh)

Most mornings for me are the same. I love them. New beginnings, fresh starts, sunrises, COFFEE. Oh, yes, that sweet heavenly aroma of liquid gold. Even when I was a kid I would wake up ready to go. Through the high school years, I would rather my friends wake up early to go to the beach than stay out partying or watching a movie. You see, when the sun goes to bed, I should be in pajamas. That's just how the world should spin. If by chance I'm not in pajamas, I might fall asleep anyway. Just warning you.

The morning time is a time of refreshment, rejuvenation, excitement for the day; all wonderful things, but sometimes life isn't all wonderful things. David was the perfect example of how life wasn't always riches and rejoicing. I never post a verse without looking at the context so of course I scrolled up on the page of my Bible.is app (you should check it out!) Just a few sentences back you see a desperate plea from David for God to answer his prayer. David didn't wake up like Cinderella and have the birds and forest animals gather his clothes while he whistled a catchy tune. Instead, he cries out in desperation, "Hear a just cause, O Lord; attend to my cry! Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit! From your presence let my vindication come! Let your eyes behold the right!" (verse 1-2) He was not spewing rainbows and butterflies like he does in other Psalms. He was heartbroken, fearful, and in anguish for the Lord to hear His cry. He wanted justice.

Justice is not a bad thing to desire. Part of God's character is to be just. Psalm 37:28 "For the Lord loves justice; He will not forsake His saints. They are preserved forever, but the children of the wicked shall be cut off." He will take vengeance in His hand and spread justice and mercy in their due time. But what I have been learning and dwelling on for the past several months is that God is more of a BE God than a DO God. Who doesn't love to spoil children? I would love to give Sweetness everything that she wants, but more than spoiling her, I just want to be with her. This is how God looks at you. Don't roll your eyes or skim over this part, because it's true. Let it sink in and marinate in your bones. It's not merely a surface love that greets you and departs. It's a best friend that says He is NOT hanging up the phone until you are laughing again. He is NOT leaving you. Ever. He is there with you while you scream into your pillow. He is there watching those chick flicks crying with you after that breakup. He is there when you lost your job and that pit sunk to the bottom of your stomach. He is there when you are so exhausted from being up all night with a crying baby. He wants to be there. He wants you to cry out to Him because He cares about every little detail in your life.

Much like I would ask Sweetness about her day, He wants us to bear all and open ourselves to Him. And only when we open ourselves to sitting and just plain being in His presence will we get to experience the amazing transformation like David did in this Psalm; from "Hear my cry!" in verse 1 to "when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness" in verse 15.

It is possible. It's there for the taking. And it is better than any other candy-coated message of prosperity you could receive. In Max Lucado's book Just Like Jesus, he said, "God loves you just the way you are; but He refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be just like Jesus." God genuinely loves everything about you and where you are in life. What do best friends do when times get tough? They don't just deliver the message you want to hear. They get down in the trenches with you. God doesn't want your attenuated surface response of a simple "I'm fine". He wants to hear of your cry of desperation. John Dawson in his teaching on the Father Heart of God says that, and I'm paraphrasing, when your child gets dirty, you don't reject the child, you reject the mud. You wipe the mud off and you still love the child underneath. So God will step into the mud with you, pull you out, and lovingly wipe away the mud that clouds the beauty of His most beloved creation: YOU.

So this morning, with a smile on my face, I sing

In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
Give me Jesus!

And I sing this because the powerful, merciful, just, all-knowing Father, hears my cry, sees all my faults, and still chooses to call out the truth and love me the same. "I shall be satisfied with your likeness."

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Love Period

I wasn't planning on writing about this. Honestly, when I opened Facebook today, I was dreading that my Facebook feed would still be stories, pictures, and quotes about Robin Williams. I don't say that to be disrespectful at all. He was a hilariously talented man. I am deeply saddened that he felt it necessary to end his life. But there is nothing that I can do about it, so I don't want to keep looking at sad things. Then I saw Matt Walsh's blog post. Then the article about his blog post. Then the blog post in response to all of the critical hate mail he has received. I saw posts from my friends saying that they agreed or disagreed with Matt for whatever reason. So I decided to check it out.

Usually, I agree with Matt. He writes truth. He isn't always as compassionate and loving as I would like him to be, but nevertheless, he does speak truth. In the article titled, "Robin Williams didn't die from a disease, he died from his choice", he is more compassionate than I have ever read and urges people that there is joy and hope. I read both the blog posts that he wrote and some of the responses and articles written about his blog posts.

Honestly, I can't agree with him more. 

In his response blog post titled, "Depression isn't a choice but suicide is: my detailed response to critics", Matt says, "Actually, it seems that for a cancer patient we are more willing to tell them to fight, we are more willing to speak of the power of prayer, and we are more willing to talk about their choices, then we are with depression and suicide. How can this be? We say of the cancer survivor that she beat cancer. But if we use this kind of language with depression and suicide, suddenly we are heinous monsters. How does this make any sense?" and I echo his question, How does this make any sense? I know that depression is hard to talk about. I know that depressed people are not always the nicest. But this is precious, precious life being dangled over the edge of death. He says that if you knew someone that was about to jump from a ledge, you would shout for them to come down. You wouldn't just stand there silently and accept that it's just their fate to die. But we don't do that with depression. If anything, I think we enable it. And I agree whole-heartedly that all of this "glowing" talk about him being free is detrimental to society. What is keeping a hurting, broken, sad, hopeless person from entering this "free land" void of all pain where they can be happy again? It's so scary, and not at all what we need to be telling the people who are obviously not of a clear mind.

I can't give clinical statistics or detailed medical analysis of depression or mental disorders. But I can tell you what suicide does to a family. I know firsthand what the effects of suicide are. First, my mom's boyfriend, and shortly after, my mom herself. So before I'm blasted for not understanding any part of it, I can tell you I know what both suicide and depression feels like. I've never taken medication for depression and I've never been seriously suicidal myself. Why? Because I saw the ripple effect that my mom's decision had on the people around her and vowed to never do that to another person. I remember looking around at my mom's funeral and not knowing 3/4 of the people. I remember still being in shock. At times I wonder if my mom knew that all of the people that came to her funeral loved her or at least cared enough to show up. If they did care, and they told her, did she believe them or even care? Did it resonate with her at all? I will never know. My mom was clearly depressed, overwhelmed and not thinking clearly. I had only just turned 8, so I wasn't aware of the darkest places of her soul. What I knew in my 8 yr old brain was that she was sad, tired all the time, and very often sick. I thought it was normal. But it's not normal and it's not permanent.

I was still naive and didn't understand the deep sadness of depression until she took her life. I agree with Matt that hope, love, and joy can not coexist with the darkness that is depression. I won't go into the details of the effects it had on me in this blog post, but it definitely influenced every part of my life. It completely changed my worldview and I understood depression every minute of every day. It was only when I was bombarded by love that I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. And slowly but surely through the years, God has been so gracious to put people in my life to be mom's, dad's, sister's, brother's, and friend's; none of course replaced my mom, but they have all been incredibly influential pieces of my puzzle, whether blood related or not.

It was love. All the while, it was only love that could infiltrate the darkness.
Love is the answer. Love is the hope. Love is the cure. Love creates joy.

Am I telling people to stop taking medication or seeking medical attention? Of course not! I agree with Matt that depression is every bit spiritual as it is physical. Depression needs to be tended to carefully. I just can't help but speak up for love. We see all of the posts and kind words towards Robin Williams, but I wonder if he knew that he was that influential while he was alive? If we got in the trenches with our relatives and friends who are battling depression, dug into the deep dark places, and watered those bitter roots with love, light, and joy, I can't possibly fathom that it wouldn't make a difference.

Suicide is not freedom. There is hope. Talk to me. Talk to someone. Encourage others to talk about it.

There is love, hope, and joy available for you, for everyone.

Love is all. Period.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Dear QA: Concerned safe driver

Dear Question Answerer,

I like to listen to Christian music in the car. It instantly brightens my mood and helps to give perspective to the stresses of my day. But then I start to worship and all I want to do is close my eyes and lift my hands. Should I not listen to Christian music? Or maybe just trust Jesus to drive the car?

Sincerely,
Concerned safe driver


Dear concerned safe driver, 

That is a great question. Worship is an integral part of life so I can't advise you to stop worshipping. However, driving safe is of the utmost importance, so I have a solution for you! Worship all the time. Worship when you wake up in the morning, bless his name while you are getting ready, sing to him in the car, thank him in the afternoon and praise him before you go to bed. A good starting  point would be to increase your worshipping to 10,000 reasons but keep in mind that you can never have too much worship. This will help make worshipping more of a lifestyle than a single occurrence which will make you a better, happier, and safer person.  

Sincerely,
Question Answerer

Monday, August 11, 2014

Happily Impatient

Today I'm a little impatient.
Impatient for 5pm when I get to leave to go get Sweetness. I really hate that I have to work away from her all day long and the commute doesn't help either. I miss her too much and I hate driving.
Impatient to find a place to live since I only have a month and a half until I have to move. I don't think being in between things. I want to know where I'm going to be and start planning decorations and my life there as a Garza.
Impatient to finalize wedding prep. There is so much I still need to do and I'm having a hard time visualizing it all!
Impatient to get married. I am looking forward to the wedding, of course, but I'm more looking forward to coming back from the honeymoon and waking up that Saturday morning with my Mr., Sweetness and I all under one roof as a family. It can't come soon enough...

But the greatest thing about all of that is they even exist for me to be impatient about!

I have a wonderful job that let's me off at 5pm so that I can go to a fantastic daycare that pours Jesus' love into my little girl while I'm at work.
I have so many options of apartments, condo's and homes that are all within my budget when just a year ago I was struggling to pay for my little 1 bedroom loft apartment for me and little girl.
I am way ahead of schedule with planning and have been incredibly blessed to have so many people offer to help.
I have been given the great gift of being pursued by a handsome man that loves me like Christ loves the church, dotes on me like a Queen, and is wonderfully patient and loving with Sweetness. I am enjoying this time of making memories and allowing God to move and work in us as we prepare for the next great adventure of joining our lives together.

Not that long ago, I didn't have any of those little blessings to be impatient over which makes my heart so glad. I have been blessed beyond comparison.

I'm still impatient. But I'm happily impatient. Does that even make sense?

Monday, August 4, 2014

Open your eyes

Sitting in traffic at a stop light, I see all of the scowls and expressions of frustration as people throw their hands in the air and scream at the car in front of them. Almost automatically I start singing to the radio without registering the lyrics. 


Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,

Oh, for grace to trust Him more. 


Oh how sweet these words are on a hot August day in traffic. It takes road rage and turns it into road praise. It turns traffic updates into people with beating hearts. 


As I surveyed the cars surrounding and passing me, I took special care to look at their faces. The old man with the mustache that's balding. The country boy blaring his music and spitting dip out of his open window. The lady laughing at something her teenager said. Then an almost audible whisper came softly,


Open your eyes. They're drowning. 


I was sitting in the boat peacefully singing how I trust in Jesus and these precious people are passing me by like numbers in a statistic. My heart hurts for them to know the peace that I so desperately cling to. 


Open your eyes to see the hustle around you as people. People that are drowning. People in need of love. 

Realize you have the power to save lives by mending broken bones and broken hearts. 


Open your eyes.