Flippin Miracle Update

Here is the latest update on one of my best friends, the girl who introduced me to my husband, my sister in law, Ashley Flippin. We are all so very excited!!! 

Below is the email update:

Hey Guys, 

Today we met with Ashley's doctor to go over the results from her scans. We have lots of great news to share. Praise Jesus!

He said her liver looks normal now and the largest tumor which was in her lung is less than half the size it once was. He said now it just looks like a scar. She only has 3 legions visible in her brain and they are all small. The largest one is in her "motor complex" which he believes is why she still has trouble with her arm. Overall everything is smaller and there is no new growth. He said she is in "partial remission".  He wants to scan her again in 3 months and he said if she continues at this rate she will be in remission by the next scan which is in May. 

So she's gone from  "less than a year to live" even with chemo and radiation to possible remission in less than a year, without chemo and radiation. 

Isn't God amazing? 

Her doctor is going to set us up with a specialist to help with the infections in her feet. His goal is to not need to adjust her treatment. 

Thanks so much for continuing to pray with us. We love you guys. We will keep you updated!

Prayer Points

* Ashley would regain strength in her left arm (she starts Physical Therapy for it tomorrow morning)
* Ashley's feet to be healed so the infections don't effect her treatment 
* God would continue to heal Ashley 
* God would continue to use Ashley's story 

Thomas & Ashley

Cancer has tried to rock our family over the last several months. Ashley went very quickly from having some numbness in her hand to a hopeless diagnosis.

“Yet he saved them for his name’s sake, that he might make known his mighty power.”

Psalm 106:8 

He is doing just that. 

We are in awe and so thankful. 

Little Bird

Little bird slipped into the bushes. As I walked by I had to pause and listen to his song. It was so effortless and sweet. Good morning to you, it's a beautiful day, he sang.

I didn't stop once on the sidewalk, but kept walking slowly. I meant him no harm but as I continued walking down the sidewalk, he kept fluttering out of the bush and moving further along to another spot to hide. When we got to the edge of the bush, in a hurry he flew up to a tree across the sidewalk and hid at the top.

Was he afraid? If he was afraid, he had no need to be. I wasn't there to harm him, but just to pass by.

I wonder, how many times have I shied away from conversations or opportunities because of the façade of fear?
I wonder, how many times have I been creating something beautiful and paused because I assumed it was being threatened or looked down on?
I wonder, how many good ideas I have not explored because I was afraid of unknown outcomes?

Fear is smoke. It's not real.
Sometimes, little bird, the thing that you are afraid of is the shadow of something also really beautiful.

Side Effects

Hour one of lying awake in bed had me searching on Google, "side effects of Vicodin" to find out why I'm an hour into not sleeping and itching all over my body. It was confirmed and recommended that I take Benadryl to stop the itching. Good to know at 1am when I have no access to such. "Not breathing" is one of the side effects I'm glad to not be experiencing currently. I guess not sleeping and itching is a better trade off than not being able to move because I'm in pain.

Hour two of insomnia has me up and writing to you. I read an article in bed trying to hide my cell phone light to not disturb my snoring husband. It's called What it's like to have fertility problems in your 20's and it's about what it's like...well, I'm sure you understand. You can click the link to read it yourself if you like. It's from a fellow cyster, Candace Ganger, who writes about dealing with more than I have so far, yet I still can relate. I remember being told that I couldn't have children at 18 years old. I felt like the whole point of my life was ruined. Possibly a little dramatic, but I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than to be married and have a large family.

When I found out I was pregnant with my Sweetness, I was already 12 weeks along. Irregular periods, pain, nausea, mood swings, insomnia, exhaustion, skin problems, and the near impossibility of losing weight were my normal life. So how was I supposed to know that I had defied the odds? If I would have been walking more closely with Jesus, I'm sure I would have known. I don't know all of the reasons why He gave me such a precious gift into a toxic marriage when I wasn't living my life for Him, but He did.

I didn't deal with any postpartum depression that Candace mentions in her post. If I'm honest, I silently judged women that dealt with it at the same time that I gave birth. I never would have said anything, but I definitely had judgmental thoughts as I lied awake staring at the perfection in my arms. Maybe it was because I had given up on the idea of being able to have children, so I was just thankful for whatever time I did have with her. Maybe it was just my general view of life because of the things that I had experienced growing up with losing Brent, my mom, and being separated from my siblings. Maybe it was God just protecting my heart completely. I'm not sure. I still don't understand postpartum depression, but I don't have to in order to realize it is a real thing and grieve for those mom's.

Thankfully, I haven't had to have an ovary removed, and a full hysterectomy isn't on the schedule for me any time soon. However, I have to be prepared that it could be in my future. I might not have another baby. I think people like to be kind and hopeful and say that Jesus will give me another baby. But one thing that I have learned is that I can't presume to know His will. I am learning to move into friendship with God and realize that I am valued enough to have an influence on His decisions. (Listen to this podcast by Kris Vallotton, seriously) Yet, I haven't been told that I will be given another child. One of my mentors in life shared that in her own journey, very separate and different from mine, she was given the promise that every woman in the Bible that wanted a child was given a child. I desperately want to believe that that is true for me. Maybe I'm just guarding my heart? Maybe it's unbelief? Maybe I don't want to get my hopes up? Maybe that promise isn't for me? I'm not sure.

If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I would be ecstatic. Nervous for complications, but over-the-moon excited for another precious gift of life. On the flip side of that scenario, I am getting to a point for the first time in my life that I am ok with not being pregnant. Does everything in me ache to be a mom again? Yes, all the time. But near sounding like a lunatic, I have to tell you it's different this time. It's a passion in my heart and so strongly desired, but it's held in open and lifted hands to the One who created me. He knows my heart. He gave me these passions. He knows the purpose behind them. So I'm not afraid to cry out and grieve for what I feel is loss, but in the next breath I give my longing to the Sustainer of Life and I lean on truth.

Matthew 7:11God gives good gifts
Psalm 34:17 The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.
Isaiah 45:2-3 I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

In the car on the way to Pre-K yesterday my Sweetness asked me, "When do I get bigger like you? It's taking too long." I took a moment before answering as my mind flashed back through so many memories from my first time kissing her precious face to looking at her now. There is no more baby in her. She is a full blown kid now. I answered her that she is growing everyday, and said that we would start tracking her measurements so she could actually see how much she is growing. She seemed satisfied with the answer and went back to singing jingle bells. Every stage that we have come to has had it's challenges, but every stage was one that I never thought I would get to encounter with her. She is a miracle, and I'm thankful.

If God gives me another child or two, I will be grateful.
If God does not give me another child, I will be grateful because I know that His will is perfect.
I know that God is good and wherever He is, that's where I want to be. Whatever He is doing, that is what I want to be a part of. I have never known fuller joy than to be in the center of His will in fellowship with Him.

Yes, I dream. I think it's important to dream. We were created for it, but I hold my dreams with open hands. I know that what He has for me is better than anything I could plan. And you better believe that He knows that if that conversation comes up between me and Him, He will hear my full passionate argument on the matter. Because He cares. Because He listens. Because He created me with the desire to be a mom.

I will grieve, but I will not dwell in grief.
I have questions, but I will not question His character.
I will struggle, but I know this is not my home.
It's all temporary - these struggles, questions, grief, and the side effects of this medicine.

James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Sometimes I get a little lost

Sometimes I get a little lost.

I used to take my journal to the mall, buy a hot latte and a cookie, and people watch as I wrote blog posts, stories, and random observations. Now I write in my journal in the small time frame in between dropping Sweetness off at school and my work day begins. It's no longer stories and random observations, but pleads for help and cries of praise to the God who sustains me.

Sometimes I get a little lost.

I have piles of laundry, piles of dishes, piles of paperwork, piles of kids toys, piles of bills. I can't do it all. I can try. I can get organized and prioritize the more important projects first. I can put work aside to spend time with Sweetness. I can remember to take a shower and brush my teeth, but then I walk back out to clutter and dog hair.

Sometimes I get a little lost.

I used to get lost in the pages of a book, or the wind in the trees at the park. I used to just lay on the floor and listen to good music. I used to have more time on my hands than I knew what to do with. I used to be able to make last minute plans with friends piling in my apartment. I used to have movie nights with my girl friends. I used to lay on the beach for hours and tan. I used to play sports and train several hours a day.

Sometimes I get a little lost.

I was watching her paint earlier today. She was rinsing the brush in the water and watching the color swirl in circles. As she was mesmerized by the water, I was mesmerized by her. She was so calm and focused. She brushed her hair back but a few strands fell down in front of her eye. Her plump little cheeks were rosy from the epic dance party that had just taken place.

Sometimes I get a little lost.

Sometimes I get caught up in being a wife, employee, and mom, that I forget that I am a girl. Once there was only me and my hopes, yes, but those hopes included a dream of the life that I live now. Those desires for a little girl come with the piles of toys and laundry. Those dreams of a husband, my handsome husband, come with the reality of dishes in the sink, and dog hair on the floor from our Gracie girl. I really don't mind it all, I just get a little lost sometimes.

Listen friends, balance is elusive. If we had balance, we wouldn't need Jesus. We will never obtain perfect balance of life, love, responsibility, spontaneity, fun, risks, etc.

I'm done getting lost. I will never find balance. It doesn't exist.
Becoming a mom to my Sweetness and a wife to my handsome husband is something I would never give up for anything.

We are not the sum of my faults and short comings. We are also not only the sum of one thing. We are allowed to be multiple things without being an expert at all of them at one time.

We are allowed to just be without explaining anything.