Pun Intended

IT'S LIKE A TSUNAMI OUTSIDE! (I hate the rain)

Ok, I just looked up the definition for tsunami and that is not accurate. It is, however, raining rather rapidly causing flash flood warnings throughout my area. (I hate the rain)

See? I didn't even bother putting makeup on when I left the house this morning. I knew that was a good call when I had to drive 30 mph all the way to Friendswood because I could barely see 10 ft in front of the car. (I hate the rain)

When I pulled up to the sweetness' daycare, we sat in the car for a moment hoping the rain would die down a little. I was already drenched from getting her and myself IN the car, and now I had to get her out and inside with minimal damage. I turned around and reached in the back seat to unbuckle her car seat belts.

"Are you ready sweetness?"
"Yay RUN"

I got out of the car and in one swift swoop I scooped her from her carseat under a blanket. We ran through the parking lot and into the building.

"Run rain again mommy"
"Ummmmm, negative ghost rider."

I set her down to autograph the sign in sheet trying not to drench the paper with my dripping hair wet hands.

"Cold toes rain"
"Why are you not wearing SHOES?"
"Shoes off mommy. I did it!"
"Good job babes, but you have to wear shoes to school."
"no shoes. I want swim"
"I do not negotiate with terrorists or two year olds"
"Ok pink shoes. run mommy"

I got her into the classroom sans shoes to start eating breakfast. I ran back through the hurricane - ok, ok, heavy rain - grabbed the pink shoes and darted Neo-Matrix style back into the building.

At least that's how I pictured it in my head.

By the time I got back in the car safe and sound I was drenched from my head to my toes. Good thing I wore boots! I pitifully looked in the mirror and had to laugh at the ridiculous sight before me. (I hate the rain). I turned the radio on, tuned to KSBJ as usual and hear this:

You reign, glory in the highest, you reign

Let creation testify by your name

Every knee will bow and every tongue proclaim

That Jesus reigns!

I love the rain only for the reason that every single time it brings me back to Him, revealing a little more of His character and compassion towards me. God is good. ALL the time.

At that moment, it was as if God smiled on me and said, "Pun intended".

Fat Fargo

I have always been aware of how my actions might impact other people. Sometimes it has been fueled by an unhealthy fear of their disapproval, but more often than not I have a genuine desire to see that I contribute happiness and positivity from my words and actions. I am not perfect by any means but it is usually a conscious effort on my mind several times throughout the day. 

Tonight as I was catching up on my news (seriously, check it out Ryot.org), I read this  article (http://www.ryot.org/north-dakota-woman-letters-obese-kids-halloween-instead-candy/450117). After the initial shock and wore off slightly, I really am sad for this woman. Did she have people in her life speak kindly to her? Was she overweight or is she overweight currently? Does she out an unnecessary amount of importance in how she looks? Does she or maybe a significant other have unrealistic expectations for herself? It makes me want drink some coffee with her and figure out where this crazy talk is coming from! There has to be something tragic that happened regarding this topic. How could it make sense in a grown woman's mind to speak anything but love and encouragement to these kids no matter their size. It really just doesn't make any sense to me. If the sweetness brought home a letter like that, I'm not sure I would respond with as much grace as I would like. 

People are seriously missing some screws in Fargo, North Dakota. 

Exhausted

I am exhausted today. I haven't solidly slept in two weeks since the sweetness has been sick. I'm fairly certain that is why I am feeling so run down. My throat is sore and I can barely keep my eyes open at work. My sweet friend brought her adorable pregnant self and gorgeous 1 yr old to my work to give me soup and some meds to kick this sickness in the butt. I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends! The plan for tonight is to go home, feed the sweetness some dinner, turn on a movie for her to watch and go to sleep. She would benefit just as much as I would from an early bedtime. That is the plan, anyways.

Also, it was brought to my mind today that I don't like music in which the lyrics don't make sense. I have thought about this a lot today and I realize it stems from one simple trait that I'm fairly certain I share with the majority of the human race. I don't like doing things that I'm not good at. One example being that I love watching baking shows but it slightly irritates me at the same time because I would definitely not enjoy spending hours making tiny little roses on a huge cake. Attention to teeny tiny details is not really my strong suit. I love watching sports, but I loved playing sports so it makes sense. So when it comes to music, I have a strong connection. I play piano (a little) and love to sing (in the shower...or the car...or while I'm doing the dishes....ok nevermind, I love to sing everywhere I go). It's completely normal and expected to accomplish the things in life that you enjoy. And further, it's completely natural to enjoy the things that come easily to you.

What spurred this thought was a song called White Sky by Vampire Weekend. It has a catchy tune that helps the work day progress easily. The song seriously makes me happy when I hear the intro. So naturally I looked up the lyrics to see what the artist said along with this happy melody. At first glance, I had no idea what they were talking about. I had to read it a couple times to come up with an interpretation. These are the lyrics:

An ancient business
A modern piece of glasswork
Down on the corner that
You walk each day in passing
The elderly sales clerk
With eyes full of suspicion
The whole corporation's giving it permission

The little stairway
A little bit of carpet
A pair of mirrors that
Are facing one another
Out in both directions
A thousand little Julias
That come together

 In the middle of Manhattan

You waited since lunch
It all comes at once

Around the corner
The house that modern art built
I ask for modern art
To keep it out the closet
The people who might own it
The sins of pride and envy
And on the second floor
The Richard Cera Skate Park

Waited since lunch
It all comes at once

Along the park walk
Ask all of our questions
While all the horses
Race taxis in the winter
Look up at the buildings
Imagine who might live there
Imagining you're walking
On a bowl upon the sing there

You waited since lunch
It all comes at once

I think the point of the song is just highlighting different parts of the hustle of life, city life to be exact. New York city life to be even more exact. I get it now. "You waited since lunch, it all comes at once." I still have no idea what that means. But I like the song, so I will listen to it again.

Unlike Vampire Weekend, Kina Grannis sings beautiful completely understandable lyrics with her angelic voice. The perfect example being this song The One I Say Goodnight To:

This song makes me happy because it speaks directly to the hopeless romantic in me. Some day, some day...

Or her song Without Me:

This song makes me a little sad so I don't listen to it often.

Or "I Knew This Would Be Love" by Imaginary Friend ft. Kina Grannis:

Another one that I can't help but love!

Summation of rambling:

#1- I'm exhausted and my brain is only working at half capacity. Need. Sleep.

#2- I don't like lyrics that are hard to figure out. Partly because there is no possible way that I can know what is going on with the artist's life/thoughts/feelings. I don't like to guess at these things. I love to know the story, the reasoning, the muse behind actions. Maybe it's the "over analytical and yet completely hopeless romantic at the same time" that is in me.

#3- I love Kina Grannis. Her voice, her music style, her pretty face, the people she chooses to associate with. I'm on a KG kick!

That is all.
 

3, 2, 1

Three truths about today:

#1 I really do love waking up at 5am to drink coffee and have my quiet time...just not when I didn't sleep very good the night before. 

#2 I asked Ryot politely for a piece of candy and she reaponded 'thank you asking' (thank you for asking). It was one of those -what I'm saying really is sinking in- moments. It so sweetly blessed my heart!

#3 I love technology and the ease I have in communicating with friends and family. It makes raising my daughter far away from friends and family so muh easier. 

Two dislikes of today:

#1 I got a sandwich today from a usually delicious reataurant, however my bread was soggy. I dislike soggy bread. 

#2 I dislike having to pay so much money for daycare when Ryot has been more absent than present the last two weeks. 

One wonderful find:

#1 'the one you say goodnight to' by Kina Grannis. I love it so much. I feel like it would be near impossible to have such beautiful melodies and an angelic voice to not have a beautiful soul to match. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ki1TC3ShlkI&feature=share&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DKi1TC3ShlkI%26feature%3Dshare

Goodnight!

The opposite of love is fear

Sunday 10/27

As You Go Series

These are my notes and thoughts on the sermon that my wonderful and Godly Pastor Fred Nelson spoke to us this morning. It was like breathing life into brittle bones. I am so grateful that God led me to Antioch and I'm hoping He blesses you to overflowing abundance by these words. I didn't re-read to edit so it might be choppy or there might be mistakes. I just couldn't take notes fast enough this morning and I'm super exhausted tonight. I'm sure you will overlook it and I know that God will lead you to understand what you need to despite any mistakes. 

What goes on inside the person that wants to share Jesus? What the world needs is people who have encountered Jesus and can't help but share what he has done on their life. Hearts alive. 

The sobering reality of hell should translate into compassion and heartfelt love for the lost. That compassion should turn into strategy to be in the world but it of it. Living a holy lifestyle that is content cultural so that the world sees the difference.  John 17:15-18 we are sanctified. God has made is to be set apart, holy. But he sent us into the world so that we can infiltrate the darkness. We are supposed  to engage the world and initiate love and compassion. Not to be judgmental but to reach out to them whee they are and give then the love that has been freely given to us.  

There are times when we initiate and it goes so completely wrong. This births fear of men and fear of rejection. This manifests itself in a lot of ways. We don't speak about Jesus because we are afraid of how they are going to respond. We are afraid that they won't like us or will treat us differently or feel pressured. There is a fear of being misunderstood or rejected which makes us question out identity. It makes us look for our validation outside of Jesus. 

1 John 4:18. There is no fear in love but perfect love drives out fear. He opposite of fear is love. Fear is inward focus and love is outward focus. We won't have any courage or boldness in life unless we have confidence that there is a bigger picture. We can love someone and be afraid of them at the same time. We equate kindness with love but really it's just a mask to cover up our dear of rejection. We look for the approval of others an stat is fueled by fear of rejection. 

We need to detach from them and get our validation on God so that we can be filled to overflow to GIVE love to them. 

Luke 19:1-10

Jesus is passing through Jericho. He isn't looking to camp or stay, he is just looking to pass through. 

There are so many life transforming moments in the Bible that Jesus ministers to people when he is neon interrupted. It's not when he is camping and preaching, it is when he is on his way to do something else but he stops what he is doing to minister to those around him. 

Why do I so when I'm interrupted?

I need to live a life that's able to be interrupted. God has time for me. I need to have time for others. People need to be noticed. This is an awesome opportunity to share Jesus' love to them. 

Zacchaeus was a Jew but was a tax collector who was very wealthy. He was lot a well-liked person. The majority of the population didn't like him. He had heard about Jesus and wanted to see what Jesus was all about. 

It's easy to put up a facade and pretend to be all together. But there is a burning desire, a cry of the human heart, an emptiness that yearns to see Jesus. Don't be deceived by what is on the exterior because there is a desire for Jesus in every person. 

Jesus sees Zac and stops to take notice of him. Revelation is invitation to get involved. The revelation of need is an invitation to get involved. We have to get past the exterior and look at them not as the flesh but as the spirit. We have to see beyond the surface and initiate. Get involved and interject our joy and hope to their situation. We are to identify the need of the heart and bring the gospel to fill that void. 

When Jesus agreed to go dine with Zac all of the crowd muttered against him that he was going to the house of a sinner. Jesus was constantly going against public opinion. Jesus was bold and did not let the fear or the public opinion dictate what he did. Boldness is not being brash, arrogant or pushy. The boldness that God is pleased with is fueled by love and reaching out to them without caring of public opinion. Sharing truth in a holy boldness. It's a boldness that cries out in love even if they get rejected. Jesus says that we will be rejected. We can not hold stock in people's opinion but hold in to the truth of God. 

Matthew 5 says that there is more reward when we are rejected. We have to have our identity securely anchored in Christ. The fear of man is the exposure of our own lack of self acceptance. 

Jesus' act if fearless love so transformed Zac that it released a financial blessing to the people and changed Zac's heart. If we cater to the opinion of others, we are missing a blessing. We are holding on to people's opinion and missing the blessing of God. We are holding on to dirt missing great riches. 

God has placed us where we are as ambassadors to seek and save the lost. Everywhere we go the Holy Spirit has an opportunity to share and advance the kingdom of God. 

What would God do if we weren't afraid?

Angry opinions

I don't know everything. I don't even know half of everything. So my words are merely a collaboration of what I feel and think based on my current experiences and knowledge. Because of this, I feel like there is little that's wrong or right but more ahould be categorized as opinions. Getting angry that someone has a different opinion than you is like getting angry that they painted their living room walls grey when you think they are supposed to be white. It's irrational. It is completely possible to have a different opinion without getting angry. 

I'm not an easily angered person so it confuses me more tha upsets me. Like, why are they getting angry? Why does it matter that their opinion is accepting and that they are agreed with by everyone. That's total cult status. The world would be bland and boring if we all liked the same things. 

These are my early morning thoughts of the day. Happy Sunday!

5 Min Fridays! Category-less

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

I have been thinking about the differences in characteristics of the extrovert vs. the introvert. I have to be honest and say that I have been a little defensive about it actually.

Matt Walsh does a great job writing about how he is an introvert in his blog post here. But I have to cringe a little when he talks about the man who rudely yanked him out of his imagination to talk to him. I wonder how many people I have offended by merely wanting to talk to them. I have all these scenarios running through my head. I love people. I love all sorts of people. I love hearing about their stories and their background. I love learning what they believe and why they believe it. It is never my attention to ruin someone's day by merely having a conversation with them.

Now that I think about it, a lot of people that I thought were rude were probably thinking that I was rude for talking to them in the first place. If I start a conversation with someone, I either have something that I wanted to say or I really am genuinely interested in knowing about that person. Is that then selfish of me to interrupt their precious silence? Should I just then defy my natural desire to conform more to be an introvert? Isn't that the opposite of embracing diversity? I don't know. It seems grumpy to me.

I just think a lot of the time, introverts are these highly intelligent coffee drinking poetry reading "where's waldo?" looking people sitting alone in the corner of a book store while extroverts are depicted as these big dumb incoherent blabber mouths that never have anything intelligent to say. I know that's not what Matt is saying, but it's often depicted in that light.

When I took that "what state do you belong in?" quiz, it asked me if I was an extrovert. Immediately, I wanted to say yes, but then I had to think about it. I don't like to talk for the sake of just talking but I do say hello to random people in the elevators. Is that contradictory? It makes me happy to connect with people. Even if only for a short moment. But I guess an introvert would question if that really was a connection at all? But my thinking is that even if for only a moment you made me smile or possibly said something that I could learn from then I am that mush better of a person.

I once asked a man how he was doing in an airport while waiting to board the plane. He grumpily looked over to me and asked, "Do you really want to know?" I told him that I did indeed care to hear what he had to say and we carried a conversation for the next 20 minutes before he left to board his plane. For the duration of my flight, all I could think about was how most people who ask that question don't really care to know the answer. It helped me rethink my greetings to people and focus on being genuine in all my encounters. If I had just sat by myself in the corner lost in my thoughts, I wouldn't have had that great conversation.

So am I an introvert or an extrovert? I don't know. I guess I feel like I don't fit into either categories.
I like to be alone.
I like big crowds.
I like a small gathering of friends.
I like in-depth talks about meaningful subjects.
I like a enjoy a casual conversation with a stranger in the cashier line at Wal-Mart.

I'm category-less, I guess.
The more categories that I am finding I DON'T fit into, the better I feel about it.
That's wonderfully strange.

Rational thinking

Today, my head is completely rational. This is an accomplishment considering the major sleep deprivation I have subjected it to. But can I just say that rational thoughts don't always make sense? It doesn't make sense because this is an emotional and relational world. If it was completely rational then marriages would be established like a business agreement. When the agreement was no longer beneficial for both parties, a consensual decision would be reached to terminate the relationship. There would be no heartache, no wishful thinking, no broken hearts, no missed memories. There would be no insecurities because you either were both contributing members of the relationship or you weren't. Cut and dry.

That just sounds so nice right now. I know that the happy wouldn't be as happy, but sometimes it seems kinda worth it. Maybe I just need a vacation. Maybe I'm just a little burnt out.

I carried her. I felt her move inside me. I stayed up nights dreaming of what she would look like. I prayed earnestly over her. I took care of her in the hospital alone. I fed her alone. I changed her diapers alone. I stayed up nights with her alone. I gave her baths alone. I have provided for her alone. I have cared for her alone. I have held her when she cried alone. I have cleaned up her sickness alone. I have worried about her in the middle of the night alone. I have gone through birthdays, Christmas and other holidays alone.

But I have to share her now?

I shouldn't be sitting alone in a room full of people with their significant others.

Shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't. That stupid word that holds no value or weight in this world. I can't control what should and shouldn't be because I can only control my reactions. I know this, but that truth doesn't stop how it makes me feel.

I just want to be rational. I don't want to feel anymore. I'm too tired to feel today.

At least this is how I feel right this moment.

And because the Lord is good, I know I won't feel like this for long.
I know that God will quiet my Spirit and give me rest.
I know that He is there to hold me up when it's just really hard to keep walking.
I know that He will validate me and get rid of my insecurities.
I know that He will restore my heart to overflowing.
Because He is good. He is always, always good.
He provides. He loves. He empowers.

Ponderings

Something I have been pondering: 

I need to not think of the things I would sacrifice to make something happen and instead think of the things I am already sacrificing by not giving God my full focus. 

I need to take pride in my strengths in order for my passion to fuel me my discipline into action.

I need focuse on speaking and thinking only positive things. 

That is all. 

An accurate list

I could make a list of things that I like. it would include some things like sunshine, coffee, roses, sweatpants, playing soccer, watching football, accoustic music, chocolate, back rubs and so many more. I could definitely brag about my daughter. I have done that in several posts and will continue to do so as she amazes me in a new way everyday. I could tell you things I don't like. Included but not limited in that list would be things like mustard, being cold, guys who sag their pants too much, being tickled, paper cuts, running, crude jokes, the smell of popcorn, uncomfortable clothes and again, so many more. I could make a list of the places I want to visit or live. I could easily shout out who I admire and why. I could document my goals and the progress I've made. I could make a list of  the character traits that I want in a future husband. I could write down bad habits I want to erase or good habits I want to form. I could list the books I want to read.  From all of these lists you might be able to form an opinion about my personality. But would it really give you an accurate description of me? 

I took a quiz online earlier revealing that based on my personality I belong in the state of Georgia. What does that even mean? It asked me questions like:

Are you an extrovert?

Do you consider the feelings if others?

Is your life organized?

Are you easily angered?

I had to seriously put thought into each question. I wonder what the result would be if an acquaintance took the test about me. Or a stranger or a friend or file member. Would we all get the same results? Would someone that just met me say that I strongly consider the feelings of others? Would my friends say that i am moderately dependable?

Thinking about this brings to mind this passage in James: 

James 2:14-17, 26 What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead. 

Do my actions display my love for Jesus? Do my responses show my confidence in who I am in Christ? Do people see a difference between me and the world? Do I reflect kindness and compassion or does the world see something different?

To me its like an enchanted two way mirror. Is what I see the same image that the person on the other side sees?

Some things to ponder...

Oy Vey

"People try and get hold of discipline without getting hold of the passion first. If you get hold of the passion, you will love the discipline because you will want to achieve the purpose." - Graham Cooke

Oh my word this is right up my alley. Lately, I have been thinking about what I do and why I do it. I have been conscious about the words spoken to others and about myself. I have been intentionally aware of the thoughts that automatically generate in my head. Sometimes I have been pleasantly surprised as I notice the positive habits that I have developed over the last couple months. Sometimes I have been discouraged at the old habits and thoughts that creep back up and try to take a spot of authority. And even then looking back I realize that instead of immediately laying these things at the feet of the perfect creator, I try to adjust things myself. I turn knobs and push buttons to create an even bigger mess than before. I scold myself that if I just had more discipline then I could change my ways. I try to force this carcass into a mold that just plain won't fit.

The perfect example is my "dieting". If I just try to live a healthier life by changing my diet, working out and making smart choices, I obtain great success with ease. At the end of September, I made a mental note that I would run every day, eat no sweets and really crack down on my discipline. October 1 - I didn't run and I ate like crap. The trend has continued throughout the following weeks until today. Breakfast this morning consisted of 2 donuts, a kolache and a cup of coffee. I feel like CRAP in more ways than one. I'm disappointed that I didn't stick to the goals that I set even though I know they were ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with aiming for health goals, but I set the goal for something that I really had no passion to attain.

Another small example happened yesterday. I mentally made a goal to go home and deep clean my entire house. WHO DOES THAT?! I knew that my day had started at 5:00am and I wouldn't get home until 6:30pm which would leave me tired and ready to relax. I knew that I would want to spend time with the sweetness who I hadn't seen all day. I knew that I would walk into my house and feel overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done and just shut down. AND THEN I knew that in the back of my mind that just the mere fact that I was thinking about wanting to clean my house, it really wouldn't happen. AND THEN I was wondering if it was considered reverse psychology if I knew that I knew what I was doing by thinking those thoughts? AND THEN was it double reverse psychology because I was thinking about the consequences of how thinking that I knew that what I had previously thought about would possibly change my mind?

Oy vey.

All I know is that for both scenarios my motive and passion were not present to fuel the discipline with power or guide the discipline in the appropriate direction. These examples are small and really of no consequence to the big picture.

I have caught myself on more than one occasion falling into the same familiar rut of speaking, thinking, or acting a certain way. Now I have been charged to examine those ways and really start prodding and poking around to find the passion behind the action. This has been a slow process as I'm not very good at it yet. I feel like I have just encountered a big flood and now I have to find away to drain the water and decide whether to repair or replace my belongings. Do the passions behind my actions need to be completely thrown out and replaced or are there some that were given to me in perfect condition and just need a little fine tuning and repair? I know that the more that I examine my thoughts and am aware of the passions behind my action, it will get easier and won't be so much work. I just have to be patient and place my passion to be more like Jesus one step at a time instead of my desire to be perfect right this instant.

Again, Oy Vey.

I just love

I hear the sweet melodies of Shakey Graves on my computer and a soothing warmth comes over me forcing a smile on my lips.

I taste the first couple sips of that creamy coffee and close my eyes to soak in this quiet moment of satisfaction.

I feel the cool breeze flowing freely as I drive down the road and slowly inhale to take in the smell and touch of this invisible dancer.

I see the beautiful copper strands of hair laying softly on her face as she distantly gazes out of the window and I sigh as every fiber of my being is grateful for her existence.

I read the sweet words of love poured out for me and I quiet my disbelief that I could be worthy of such magnificence not only paying me attention but desiring a relationship with me.

Colossians 3:12-17
¹²Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Ephesians 5:1-2
 ¹ Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

 

 

It really is about the little things.

Life is relational, not material.

 

3 thoughts

Reading Isaiah 38:19 today really helped me focus on the type of foundational values I am laying in my daughter's life. I am excited to do better tomorrow!

I hung new pictures on the wall of my living room which made it feel like a brand new room. Im not an interior decorator but it made me look forward to the finished product. 

More than once today I was given a compliment that I responded to by rolling my eyes in disbelief. I need to fix this stupid disbelief ASAP. 

Part of a masterpiece

Trying desperately to ease my migraine, I laid in bed while the sweetness was playing with some hair accessories in the doorway. 'Mommy, come see? Look mommy? You see? Come on mum!' she excitedly yelled while pulling on my leg. I told her that momma's head hurt so I would get up in a moment. She crawled on the bed, brushed some hair away from my face and as she cupped my face in her hands she kissed my forehead. Feeling like I was a bad parent for not getting up after such a beautiful display of love , I forced myself to sit up regardless of the throbbing pain. I poked my head around the corner and she had piled a couple of the hair ties in a little mountain. She was soooo proud of herself and happy that I gotten up to see her masterpiece. 

It was so worth it. How could I not love such a beautiful soul? Loving her is just so easy. I know it was part of what I was created to do.

Believe that God created me unique with specific passions for His purpose is so much more fulfilling and way easier than merely mumbling that this place I'm in is God's will without further seeking out my passions for His glory. 

That was a long sentence but after reading it through again I couldn't say it any better. 

Happy Sunday! May it be filled with His joy and rejuvenation!

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern:

I love you. YOU. You who are reading this. You who need to hear it, you who don't believe me, you who don't like me. I love you. I love all of you. Your good, your bad, your ugly, your marvelous. I love you with or without tattoos and piercings. I love you with or without brand name clothes and nice cars. I love you on your good days and your bad. I love you whether you played sports, music or both. I love YOU. I love you when you are productive and when you are lazy. I love you no matter the color of your skin. I love you with or without a college degree. I love you whether you eat McDonalds or grow your own food. I love all of you. I love you whether you are gay, straight or undecided. I love you for your talents and your faults. I love you whether you are smart or struggle academically. I love you whether you have one great job or a couple crappy ones. I love you whether you read your Bible this morning or not. I love YOU. I love your laugh. I love your smile. I love when you are happy. I love all of you. I love you for who you are internally, not what you can do or provide for me. I love all of you whether we have had problems or a flawless past. I love all of you. Unconditionally.

I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have broken hearts, been careless with other's feelings, been distant, pushed away friends and family consciously and subconsciously. I have done and said things that have hurt people with and without my knowledge. I have made poor decisions that have effected people's lives. I constantly misuse effected and affected and have no idea which one is right at this very moment. I'm sorry grammar Nazi's. I'm sorry friends. I'm sorry family. From the pit of my heart I am whole-heartedly heart broken over the problems that I have caused and the ripples I have made in the past. Please accept my complete sincerest apology. If I have wronged you in any way, shape or form, I am genuinely sorry. I earnestly beg for your forgiveness.

Ya know, God is so gracious and perfect to forgive when we ask. Just like that. I am forgiven because I asked. New, fresh clean slate. In the same breath, I have forgiven myself. I am no longer bound by the chains of my past.

Now I ask you to do the same for me. Drop those chains. I am not obligated and will no longer carry a burden that I have been released from. I have been moving forward, faster and stronger than ever. My brain, heart and soul have been rocked in awe-inspiring ways in the past couple months and there is NO way that I am going to slow down. I know there is more, so much more. I have asked God to prepare me for what is to come. I know that He has paved my way and I will walk, run, and dance in obedience. I have prayed that God would work in only the way that He can. This is not a sudden realization. This post has been a long time coming. I have asked that He soften hearts and bring this to the people who needed to read this. To you. To Whom It May Concern.

My favorite part of the song below says this:

 

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and
Makes us children
Children, drop your chains and sing

 

Hallelujah, death is overcome
And we are breathing
Hallelujah, our stone hearts become
Flesh that's beating
Hallelujah, chains have been undone
And we are singing
Hallelujah, the fire has begun
Can you feel it?

 

I am not bound by chains any more. If you need me, I will not be wallowing in pity and regret in the corner. In fact, I haven't been there in a long time. Instead, I will be over here, dancing, singing, shouting, laughing, and running wild and free into a great and mysteriously wonderful crazy adventure.

Feel free to join me.



Stand down

2 Chronicles 20:17

This is not a battle I have to fight. 

That is not the answer I was expecting but it is my answer so I will be obedient and stand down. 

Need to read!

Life has been a little crazy this week. The sweetness has been under the weather with no symptoms other than fever and wimpering. I don't get much done at work when she is there. Instead, having half a day has meant great progress at home! I have done laundry and cleaned a ton in between extra snuggles and other regular sick kid care. Even though she has been sick I really have loved the extra time I have spent with her. She is so been so entertaining and just makes me fall in love with her even more every day. She shows me something new everyday. Today she cracked us up calling my coworker Jabob instead of Jacob which has of course officially become his new nickname. 

I have been struggling to finish a book I started some time ago. Having sleepless nights and full days, I have been going to bed pretty exhausted. Even so when I lay down in bed I grab my book and try to read more before I'm forced to close my eyelids. This has caused me to read the same paragraph over and over for the past 4 nights. But of course it is no coincidence that it is focused on a topic that I know is under construction. You see, God knows what He is doing. He always has known what He was doing in my life. Everything that man has intended for bad in my life, God has turned around for good and given me an incredible testimony. 

This instance is no different. I know I need to read and re-read this passage until it not only makes sense but actually takes hold of my mind. I want to be renewed, transformed completely. 

'Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.' Romans 12:2 

I have never been happier, more 'centered', more peaceful, or more victorious than when I am seeking God. So I'm looking forward to unpacking what this means in my life. I'm a little nervous because I realize it will take digging deep to purge insecurities but I know that God will replace my incompetence, insecurities and failures with His grace, power and victory. 

I'm sure I will have a blog post about that too. 

Work AND Play?

This is day two with the sweetness coming to work with me. Although I love having her here, it's hard to get any work done. We have been here for 47 minutes so far today and she has colored, taken apart post-it notes, tried to use the scissors, taken a lot of tape out of the dispenser, tried to get to the M&M's, highlighted her goldfish, tried to use the phone, and knocked just about every piece of paper and item off of my desk at some point.

I love my job.
I love my little girl more.
The two just don't mix very well.

I hate naps

I hate naps. And by that I mean I love naps.

Not clear enough? OK, I will explain.

The sweetness looked so innocently sweet taking her nap. I snuggled in bed with her and started watching a movie. The lack of solid sleep, early morning and comfy cuddling combined created the perfect atmosphere for napping. It has always taken me a while to fall asleep but I pulled the covers over my head anyway. Even if it took me 30 minutes to fall asleep I would still get about an hour nap.

Just as I drifted to sleep the chatter of the movie wakes me. I annoyingly hit pause and settled back in bed. Its so comfortable and warm and perfect for sleep.

Bang! bang! bang!- a short time later. 'why is someone hanging a picture on a Sunday afternoon?!' I think to myself as if the idea is simply something ridiculous. I calm my heart from being started and drape the heavy cover back over my head. My bed feels just like a cloud; big wonderful weightless cloud.

Honk! Honk! Honk! 'Who even has car alarms anymore?! It's not like anyone pays attention to them?' I get up from my cozy abyss, turn my small fan and the bathroom fan on to create a noise barrier. Yes, that's better, now for sleep. I drift to sleep with a slight smile.

'Mommy in bed! Asauce? Mommy silly I want asauce. Watch show? Watch peencess? Kiss? Eskimo kiss? I want juice. I want juice. Juice. Juice. Mommymommymommymommymommy juicejuicejuicemommymommyjuicemommymommummummommy Dress? Wear pretty dress? Help dress mommy.' Aaaand she's awake. Has it been an hour and a half already?

The mood that my lack of nap has put me in is less than pleasant. I'm tired, groggy and have no motivation to do anything.

I'm never attempting a nap again. Unless I happen to be in a completely silent, uninterrupted, dark, closed off, special place with no children, car alarms, movies or people hanging pictures. But then they might give me one of those jackets that make you hug yourself. And if for some reason I did get woken up, I don't think hugging myself would be top on the 'want' list. So I just won't nap.

I can sleep when I'm dead right?

Today i will count rocks

Everyone was smiling and laughing at the sweetness through our whole breakfast as we went through our usual banter.

'Hi baby guy!' She says to the little boy sitting next to our booth.
'Here Ryot, take a bite.'
'No silly mommy, all done'
'Oh OK, are you ready to go?'
'No, I want to dance.'

Well OK then. She grabs my purse and starts dance-walking towards the door. She trips over it twice but just gets right back up and keeps walking. As I'm paying for the meal, she has taken the booster seat off of a high chair in the corner and crawled in it. She is swinging her legs and so proudly exclaims 'mommy, i did it! Look!' She is smiling at the people smiling at her and one lady says 'she's fearless'. She stands up and I put her back on the ground.

'Uh oh, shoe off'

She starts running to the door and then runs back to me to put her shoe on. As we are leaving a lady says 'this is a great age to be curious. She is so well mannered. Good job, mom'

You see, I don't care if Ryot sits in her chair for the duration of the meal. I don't care if she is peeking around the booth to smile at the baby next to us. It doesn't bother me for her to trip over my purse and to trip again. I'm not annoyed that it took us twice as long to leave because she wanted to open the door for me and make sure it was closed behind me. This IS the time for her to be curious and I love every second of it.

This whole parenting thing is a learning process. And just when I think I have it down, we enter a new stage of curiosity and emotions. I am learning how not to compare to other parents and more importantly how not to care if they don't approve of what I'm doing. Its hard to get the scoffing look from the family in corner. Their son is sitting in the high chair eating everything on his plate and mine is standing right outside of the booth dancing. But I love that she loves to dance. I love that she looked at the lights above us and giggled as she shouted 'its the moon!'. I love that she had to say bye to every person that she walked by. I love that she doesn't care what other people think because she hasn't been taught that mentality. I hope she never learns it.

See, I want to raise a warrior. I want to raise someone who will logically question the boundaries with no fear of rejection or judgment. I want to raise her to say hello and bye to everyone she meets. I want to raise her to take risks. I want to raise her to not care about the little things but be worry-free in her passions. I want to raise a little girl who knows that she is loved and cherished at all times.

Right now, we are building her foundation. I want to give her as much reinforcement of love and passion  so that she can be released in the world and share that love with other people!

Right now she wants me to come outside so she can sit in my lap and count rocks. Or as she says 'sit in yap and rocks 1, 2, 2, 2!'

So today, I will count rocks so that in her tomorrows she can move mountains.

Breathe in, Breathe out

I said something last night. It was one of those moments, that as soon as it occurred, left a bad taste in my mouth. I laughed it off at first, but it stuck with me bouncing around in my head with no concern for the areas it was abusing.

Suddenly it was time for all of us at Life Group to sit down and share a little bit about our life. I froze.

What is my problem? I have never had an issue with sharing before. My life is an open book. I have a great story of triumph. I have a story that through all obstacles, God has been faithful and filled every void that life has created. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I nervous?

Everyone spoke leaving my turn for last. I couldn't avoid it any longer. I got to the part of my story about my failed marriage. I paused and fumbled through the next couple sentences. Honestly, I don't even remember what I said. I just remember this overwhelming feeling that I couldn't pinpoint. Then all of a sudden what I said earlier popped back in my head. When speaking about my daughter's dad, I jokingly said,

"I know how to pick 'em, huh?".

Guilt.

Guilt 'is an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in.' (Wikipedia)

Yeah, that about sums it up. I wasn't seeking God when I got married. I wasn't seriously considering how he was going to financially provide for our family. I wasn't being intentional in the relationship. I was selfish and I floated by on feelings. He made me feel beautiful and wanted. Since I wasn't seeking God for my validation, it was so easy to fall in love with what I was being told. I failed. I violated a moral standard of marriage by trusting so blindly. I trusted that he would never leave or betray me. It didn't just change my life but the life of my little girl.

Like floodgates being opened, a wave of guilt and regret rushed over me.
If  had made better choices
If I had paid attention
If I had been going to church
If I had been seeking God
If I had sought an outside source of wisdom
If...if......if..........

Then my little girl might have her dad in her life. Then we might not be struggling financially. Then we might be able to have a nice place and nice things. Then I might not feel so insecure. Then Ryot wouldn't have to experience the pain that I did growing up without my dad. Then I might have seen the signs and made better choices. Then I might not have chosen him. Then I might not have gotten married and experienced what a marriage takes to work. Then I might not have made the friends that I have now. Then I might not have had Ryot at all. Then I might still be stuck in Oklahoma. Then I might not have come to Antioch. Then I might not be so in love with Jesus as I am today. Then I might not have come to this crazy awesome realization of what really is important.

So what really is important?

This world will fade away. Having excess money, a house, nice things would be great but they will all fade away. They are temporary.
Since I am at Antioch and have surrounded myself with people who genuinely are on fire for the Lord, Ryot has a very different chance at life than I did. Hopefully I can raise her to pick up where I leave off and go further than me. I don't have to worry about the pain that not having her dad in her life. I have experienced first hand the amazing healing power of my mighty God. He has healed my heart and continues to heal me even when I choose to open old wounds that have already been covered in grace.
I wouldn't consciously change anything that has happened to me to possibly not have Ryot in my arms. I would go through it all again to experience the time that I have with my sweet little girl.
SHE IS WORTH IT. And I will work everyday to show her how cherished and loved and wanted she is.

If I had made better choices my life would be different, sure. But I didn't. I made my choices and now I have never been more satisfied or in love than I am now. It's all because of God.

I would be lying if I said that every bit of guilt is gone and vanished. Sometimes I look at my little girl and my heart just hurts. Last night as my friend Beau was playing with his daughter, I just had a moment of sadness. I so want that for Ryot. Maybe it will happen. Maybe God will bring someone in my life who will fall in love with both of us. But I know that if He doesn't, God will love Ryot and will provide for all of her needs.

It's not an easy fix. It's a process. It's a process that I have in NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM mastered. But I'm trying.

Raising a child is hard.
Raising a child by yourself is really hard.
Raising a child by yourself when you tag on guilt, failure, financial struggle, etc. is impossible.

I can't do this alone.
But Christ can do this through me.
I will take one step at a time.
One foot in front of the other. One day, one hour, one minute, one breath in and out.

Breathe in, He is in control.
Breathe out, He loves me.
Breathe in, He has chosen me for a purpose.
Breathe out, He will cover me.
Breathe in, He will provide for my needs.
Breathe out, He loves Ryot.
Breathe in, He will never leave or forsake me.
Breathe out, He has forgiven my sins.
Breathe in, He is proud of me.
Breathe out, He is with me.

Lottery or Marriage?

I was proposed to last night.

A positive statement. A simple statement. A statement that by now you have formed opinions about. Your opinions are formed from what you know about me and what you think you know about me.

Did you ask if I was dating someone that you didn't know about?
Did you think I had rekindled flames with an ex?
Did you possibly think it was a cute offer from a kid?
Or possibly a joke from a coworker or friend?

The truth is you don't really know what happened.

But because I like you, I will tell you. I know I have some pretty creative friends. I would love to know what went on in your feisty brains.

No, I'm not dating anyone.
I'm not rekindling flames, as those coals have been cold for some time now.
It was not a cute offer from a kid or a joke from a friend.
It was a sincere offer and proposal of marriage.

Without a ring.

From my neighbor.

My 55+ year old neighbor.

For some reason last night as we were both taking out our trash, we started talking and got on the subject of debt. He was excited to tell me that he is debt free and starts a new job in Dallas this weekend. I expressed slight envy at his financial freedom, but added in the disclaimer that I know God would provide for Ryot and me.

Neighbor: "The way I see it, you have two options. First, you can pray that I win the lottery. I have 3 daughters: my oldest, my youngest and you. I will keep 1 million for myself and give the rest away. Or the second option is to marry me."

After I got done laughing for a solid 30 seconds, I said, "I better start praying for that lottery right now, then!" He abruptly stopped laughing.

Neighbor: "I'm serious. I would spoil you rotten. You wouldn't have to worry about anything and Ryot would have whatever she wanted."

I froze.

Oh. my. word. He is serious! Well, this situation suddenly became incredibly awkward. I laughed and said that is a sweet offer but that's not what I'm looking for, at all. He told me that the offer would always be on the table if I changed my mind. He waved bye to Ryot and was on his way.

That is NOT how I imagined my next marriage proposal would be. But then again, not much in my life is normal right now.

Untrapped Thoughts

I can't even process what is happening in my brain and my heart today. So in all fairness I couldn't possibly try to articulate it for you to attempt to decipher. It wouldn't be fair to injure your brain like that and it wouldn't be fair to me for information to be misguidedly misconstrued. It's just not fair to either parties in any manner.

So instead of decoding the mysterious combustion I have been bombarded with today, I will focus on remembering positive things that happened today.

First, Ryot was in a fantastic mood all morning. It was as if she planned to be terribly two last night terrifically two this morning. She picked out her clothes and was perfectly obedient with getting ready and leaving the house. On the way to school, she was singing KSBJ, playing peek a boo, wanting me to cuddle and wanting to hold my hand while I was driving. When I dropped her off she was so polite and greeted her teachers with smiles and hugs. She asked me for a kiss and a double high five and told me bye with no tears and no fuss. I stood outside of the classroom and watched her for a moment soaking in the few minutes I had before I headed off to school. She showed her teacher her jacket and asked politely for help to remove it. She was perfectly happy to sit at the table and eat her pancakes with no assistance and no drama. Golly that just blesses my heart. She just looked so beautiful and so grown up sitting at that table eating away. It was more sweet than bitten when I left. I miss her so much while I'm at work, but to know that she is learning about Jesus and having a good time with her teachers and friends is priceless.

Second, one of my technicians at work brought me cookies to say sorry and thank you for my hard work. Just a few hours earlier he had caused a scene at the health clinic so I had to do a lot of PR work to calm the ladies at the clinic down. I still have not received the results that I needed first thing this morning so the situation isn't fully resolved. However, they didn't close out his file completely like they threatened, he isn't banned from the clinic anymore, AND I should have the results soon.....well, hopefully. Either way, he realizes that he was completely out of line and apologized to me personally with a peace offering of cookies. I accepted partly because I have to keep the peace in the office, partly because he had cookies and partly because it would have been totally awkward not to accept with him standing right there in front of me with everyone looking at me.

The rest of the chaos that is happening in my head can just stay trapped there for now.

Inhale exhale

Ryot screaming, 'I want window. Window dooowwwnnnnn.'

I tell her 'ok baby. Calm down and ask mommy nicely.' I roll the window down.

Inhale slowly.

On the radio
'I am strong when I am on your shoulders, you raise me up to more than I can be.'

Ryot screaming, 'nooo mommy window no doowwwnnnnnnn. Window up!'

I roll the window up.

Exhale slowly.

On the radio
'Whatever will come our way, through fire or pouring rain, no we won't be shaken. Whatever tomorrow brings together we rise and sing that we won't be shaken. no we won't be shaken. We will trust in you, we will not be moved, we will trust in you and we won't be shaken.'

'Whatever will come our way' includes missing your two year old all day and being disappointed that she has done nothing but cry and throw fits since you picked her up. She didn't want to leave because she was watching Super Why. She wanted to eat a cakeball before eating her dinner. She wanted to go upstairs at Sarah's house instead of leaving. She wanted to color on the walls with Sharpie. She wanted the window down. Then she wanted the window up. She doesn't want to take a bath. But I'm the bad guy of course.

Oh man I'm exhausted and disappointed. I'm so thankful for being reinforced by His calming Spirit. Ya know, I wouldn't trade even a crazy evening like this for anything. Its amazing how much I love her even when she is being miss grumpy butt. And God loves us more.

Amazing.

Draw the Line

"Know the difference between the limits that withhold you and the limits that are crucial for you to obey. Draw your lines accordingly. Live your life around them."

This is an excerpt from an article I read this morning called "18 Things Every Person Must Do In Their Lifetime".

Sometimes it's hard for me to see the line between extending grace and trusting foolishly.
Sometimes I can't tell when I need to cut off relationships instead of overlooking bad influences.
Sometimes I don't know when I'm being taken advantage of and when I'm just being nice.

The thing that really gets me is that the things that distract or confuse me aren't really BAD things! When I was married, I stopped going to church because he didn't want to go. I would stay home and make him breakfast, clean the house and try to make him as happy as possible. A wife making her husband breakfast, cleaning the house and trying to make him happy are not bad things at all. But when making him happy became my goal and my validation instead of seeking God and glorifying Him, it became a bad thing with good intentions.

Just this year, I have been completely enlightened of the false humility that I was taught for so many years. I know now that I don't have to shrink in the back and voice that I'm not good at anything or that I deserve the things that happened in my life. I don't have to believe that God gave me a crappy set of cards that I have to make the best out of. I am a child of the King destined for great and powerful things. Why would He commission me for rescuing the lost and equipping and encouraging fellow sisters and brothers if He was not going to give me everything that I needed to complete the mission? That is pure craziness!

It has become a lot easier to push aside the things that are bad for me now that I finally take pride in myself. I can say no to negativity because I don't deserve it. I can take a crazy leap of faith without fear of rejection or judgment because I know that the God of angel armies is by my side. I don't have to shy back from raising my hands, doing a little dance or jumping up and down when praising Him. I am free to dance, to run, to jump, to shout, to cry, to laugh and to praise however I please because HE is the one I am glorifying and praising. Even if I look a little funny or "eccentric". I can't help it. I feel the beat, I hear the voices being raised of praising my great God and I can't help but move and raise my hands!

Do I still struggle with not knowing the boundaries of certain conversations? Of course! Do I create obstacles for myself sometimes? Unfortunately, yes.

When I was married, I stayed home and did those things because I didn't treasure my priorities. I had made my him my idol. I had made him my source of happiness which was not fair to him or to me. There is no way he could provide me with what I needed and there is no way that I alone could ever really make him happy. I didn't see that a line had been crossed because I didn't value my priorities, my time or my anointing. And it's hard to value those things when I wasn't seeking God fervently as I should have!

Yes, it is important to be able to recognize when the line has been crossed. But how will you ever know when the line is crossed if you don't value yourself enough to DRAW the line in the first place? I didn't value myself, my time, or my anointing enough to draw a line to be able to stand up for myself. Now in this situation, there was fault on both sides, but I am only in control of me and my decisions. I use this as an example because it was the best that I could relate to. For others it might be their job, their siblings, their friends, their children, their church, etc.

I think in order to successfully accomplish the charge from the article above, we first have to claim our right as cherished, chosen, masterfully created and dearly loved children. Only then will we be able to distinguish when we are being taken advantage of. It is only then that we can draw the lines and truly succeed.

Be beautiful. Be you. Be cherished. Cling to the promises that are meant for YOU, for ME, for US.