I am on His mind

My dad died one year ago on May 2, 2014.

I needed his birthdate for applying for my Passport, so I looked up his obituary online.
Same for my mom.
At least I have the information, right?

I couldn't call him to ask. Or shoot him a quick text. I looked up the record of his death that is publicly available for anyone to see online. It's a strange place to be, really. The relationship that some people have with their parents is sacred to them. I can't have the same relationship with someone else's parent like they can. I'm not them. But now the whole world has the same access to the details of my dad's life as I do. Because it's not his life anymore, it's his death. He is minimized to a stone plate with a couple dates. Alive December 4, 1958 and gone May 2, 2014. That's it.

I was reminded of him today. I was deleting messages on my phone trying to clear up phone space and that's when I saw it. I keep it. I've tried to delete it a couple times, but can't ever push that red button. It's at the bottom of the list, from so long ago, and nothing is even in it. I just see his name. That's it. But that means that at one point he texted me. He physically picked up his phone and sent me a message or replied to one that I had sent. He thought about me. At that moment, he wasn't a display of dates. He wasn't just a beginning and an end. He was alive, and I was on his mind.

He's gone, but that doesn't mean that he didn't live. He is just now only alive in memories, the good and the bad. He can't breathe, or laugh, or share stories. Everything that was left unsettled in our relationship will remain to be unsettled, like dust unshifted under an old rug. The musty smell of a lost connection lingers every time I'm reminded of him.

I'm not even mad that my phone lost the content of the message. It wouldn't make a difference to have his words. What matter is that there is a spot for him.

What matters is that even though he's not here now, he existed once.
What matters is that I was on his mind at least a handful of times between December 4, 1958 and May 2, 2014.
And that is enough for me now.

It wasn't always enough. I spent many years crying myself to sleep wondering why he didn't want me, or why he wouldn't return my calls or texts. Over time I believed I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, whatever enough.

It was the foundation for every decision I made or question I asked. It still tries to creep up from time to time to question my identity, but if I am aware and on guard I can confidently silence the voices that tell me I am not enough.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us...and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:4, 6

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

I am enough.

Because He not only says I am, but he shows me I am everyday.

I am "confident of this very thing, that he who has begun a good work in [me] will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:6

I believe that for me, and for YOU, the Lord will fulfill his purpose for us, his steadfast love endures forever. He will not forsake the work of his hands (Psalm 138:3)

I am on HIS mind.

Missed Moments

The blinking cursor
and blank page
curse my blinking eyes
and blank mind.

The blaring talent pouring through the speakers laughs at the gibberish pouring onto blank pages.

The wishing heart
and effortless dreaming
leave me wishing for simplicity
and effortless sleeping.

The tired eyes racing through the missed moments to knock on their door with no reply.

The crawling anticipation
of the morning sunrise
have me crawling the baseboards
and mourning the lost time.

The hopeful expectation is known to not waiver as mercy is invited in with the dawn.

Happy Mother's Day!

Momma, you brought me in to this world. I know you loved me for at least a short time of my life and that is enough.

Aunt Nese, you didn't have to take me in but you did. You provided for me and have never gotten fed up with me all of the years that I made it hard to love me. You show me Jesus in our conversations and in the compassionate, selfless, hardworking, merciful, loving way you live your life. You are the one I want to call with good news, and hearing your encouraging voice is always a sigh a relief in my life. I love you. 

Granny, without you, I wouldn't even be here! You gave my mom life and have given me so many good memories or eating ice cream while watching tv land late at night and always reading our scriptures in the morning and night. You are one of my best friends. You always make me laugh and remind me to seek Jesus. I love being your namesake. I love you. 

Grandma, without you, I wouldn't be here either! You gave my dad life and have always pushed me to be the best I could be. I cherish the memories we made in the summer times while I was growing up. I know that you believe in me and that is fuel for my heart! I love you. 

Meemaw, you gave my Granny life! Without you, the majority of my family wouldn't be here! I remember your great hugs, taking naps with you, and how you called me Sugar. I miss you everyday.  I love you. 

Happy Mothers Day to all of the moms who have stepped in to love me through the years. It is because of so many of you that I am who I am today. You helpedlove me when I was broken and have spoken truth over my heart to help me grow  into who I was meant to be. I am still a work in progress, but I am so thankful to you for all of the hard work it was to love and pour into me all these years. 

I so appreciate you. Hopefully you know who you are and how grateful I am for you!

5 Min Fridays! I am always learning.

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, set, go!

A couple things I realized/learned today.

1. I typically walk with my head down looking at my feet or the ground a few feet in front of me. I've read articles and have been told to hold my head up in confidence when I walk. I tried to hold my head up and take in the world around me as I walked today and I promptly learned that I don't actually walk in insecurity but as a precaution for my own safety. Walking with my head up is just begging for tripping hazards.

2. My brain thinks too much. It's a chaotic traffic jam of ideas, memories, successes, failures, to-do lists, reminders, introspection, observation, and feelings. I write and the letters blur as I try to capture all of the madness into cohesive sentences when I realize that my brain was not made to process a single thought. I just have to try to revisit what my brain begins so that I can finish it. Also along these lines, I have realized that 40 minutes is not enough time for my ridiculous brain to process anything. So now I have a ton of ideas and incomplete thoughts rummaging in between my ears and it's making my brain hurt.

3. It's really hard for me to sit and do nothing. Intentional rest is a frustrating and foreign idea that I really want to learn how to do.

4. It's really hard for me not to defend myself sometimes.

5. I learned today that most of the time I operate under the false belief that I am wasting time. There is so much running through my brain that needs to be accomplished and I can't possibly do it all. The brain part of me gets caught up in the idea of making memories and not taking any moment for granted, but the heart part of me just wants to do what Jesus wants. I know that those ideas are not mutually exclusive, but I need to decipher who is saying what. Because I only want to follow Jesus. Even if I never go anywhere, He is my greatest adventure.

6. I learned that the reason why I say hello people is because it is completely uncomfortable to make eye contact and not say hello. I want to know them. I want them to sit by me and tell me how they think and what they want. I want to know if their eyes light up or if they are sad. I want to hear what their voice sounds like and watch their mannerisms. I wish that I could know everyone in the whole world.

7. I learned that while I see all of the things that I need to work on, Jesus sees my smile and loves to watch my brain process. This is something that I learn and re-learn often. When I sit with Jesus, he reveals so much to me without making me feel like a complete failure. And that is such a relief. I love him. 

What kind of name is that?

"What kind of name is that?"
"Oh, that's.....interesting."
"THAT'S her actual name?"

Riot
1. A violent disturbance of peace by a crowd.

This is what some people think when they hear the word riot. They picture fights, strikes, and outrage. Too long have I felt guilty for not picking a name after a Biblical heroine or gentle attribute. I could have named her Amariah, which means promised by God, or Aria, which means song or melody. There have been so many times that people have cringed when hearing that I named my daughter Ryot. But have they seen the second definition of the word?

Riot
2. An impressively large or varied display of something.

Have you met my little girl? She is definitely an impressively large AND varied display of something, alright. There is no doubt about that.

She is passionate, about everything. She gets passionately excited, passionately helpful, passionately angry, passionately sad. There is no ounce of apathy in her spirit. She is hilarious. She seeks out ways to make people laugh, when she knows them. She rarely walks anywhere we go because she is too busy dancing or jumping or skipping or running. Her energy is exceptionally high but her focus is deep and intense. Her dreams are vivid, colorful, and detailed. She doesn't need friends to validate her, she knows she is a princess soldier simply by being herself. She is busy with ideas, stories, and questions flowing constantly, but often stops to watch bugs crawl by or smell flowers that we pass. She is beautiful from the adorable freckles on her nose to her huge feet. She is a masterpiece of design and color.

When I was pregnant with her, I prayed that she would be fierce, independent, confident, assertive, passionate, and everything else that I could think of that I thought I was failing in. I would beg God not to make my sweet baby like me. God always answers prayers in His wisdom. It's the only way He can answer prayers because that is who He is. So because He is always good and He delights in answering the requests of His kids, God made my little girl fierce, independent, strong, confident, and feisty to her core. He was also so kind in His wisdom to show me that all the things I prayed for Ryot to be were not things that I had failed in, but attributes that I had let be stifled in me or that I had not discovered yet. He was confirming that all of the attributes that I so desperately wanted for Ryot were gifts that he had given me that had been buried through life experiences, and relational heart breaks throughout me upbringing.

As I watched Ryot's personality form, I saw all of the possibilities of what she could accomplish and be, and Jesus so softly spoke truth over my life that was being reflected through my little miracle. I don't think I truly realized my potential of being resilient, independent, and strong until I survived being a single mom. Those are some of the hardest days of my life, but I see such goodness in them. And Jesus protected my little one by giving her such a strong, resilient heart. I tried my hardest to make sure she didn't miss a thing or even know that we were struggling. I'm hoping that she won't remember those sad, tired days, but instead will remember quality time, long walks, and precious alone moments we had during that time.

There is always more pages in someone's story than you realize.

It used to really bother me when someone would criticize her name, but now I just smile in confidence. Because it's not just a name.

Ryot is my sour patch kid, my miracle baby, my sweetness.
Ryot is a story of the best kind of love; sacrificial love of a good, good Father to His precious children.
Ryot is an embodiment of fiery passion that will one day change the world.
Ryot is an impressively large and varied display of beauty, creativity, passion, and the endless possibilities that come with saying yes to a perfect, loving Creator.

She's mine. And that makes me proud.

Perfect Love Is Not Passive

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Fear is a very real, raw emotion. Sometimes you're startled or anxiety-ridden. It poisons you from the inside out.  It's a sneaky, slithering snake waiting in the shadows to bite at your ankle. It has no courage or backbone, and it seeks to destroy you. It's a tranquilizer shot in the dark that you didn't know hit you until you feel it in full force. However it affects you, it's not static.

But what is love?

There are many ways to describe love. Hallmark cards for years have tried to sum up the perfect poem or letter to reveal what love is. Love is sometimes a feeling, and other times it's a choice. Personally, my favorite definition sees Love as a Person.

1 John 4:8 "Anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

The very nature God is love. His core character is unshakably rooted in love and this is a marvelous thing. Not only do we have the Bible to tell us the definition of love, and Jesus to show us practical examples of what love looks like, but we are fully able and invited to have a relationship with God who is the true definition of love.

1 John 4:18 casts vision for a fierce encounter. It doesn't say that perfect love passively jokes about how nice it would be for fear to leave the party. Perfect love chases it away because it is impossible for fear and love to coexist. You can have one or the other.

Whatever your definition, Love is not static.
Love is not merely a band-aid to bide time.
Love is constantly in relentless pursuit to eradicate fear.
God is constant in relentless pursuit to free you

The Big Beginning: Part Two

If you haven't, you should check out The Big Beginning: Part One. You know you want to.



"Amen."
My dear friend and officiate finished his prayer over us. I gave my very soon to be husband a big hug and walked outside. I saw my family, and the kiddos standing at the edge of the gate. I peaked around the corner to see everything set up exactly as I had dreamed. All the guests were expectantly waiting in their seats. I watched as my grandparents, and my in laws, and my aunt be ushered down the aisle. I had seen this a million times before, but not for me. This was my special day, and it was perfect.

This was really happening. I grabbed my uncle's arm and took one last deep breath as a Taylor.

Those few minutes seemed to last forever. It was a mix of beautiful emotions. I was missing people that should have been there and so overwhelmed with gratefulness for the guests, family, and friends who had worked so hard to make everything come together. I remembered how I have felt many times sitting as a guest waiting for the bride to enter. This time that bride was me.

Logistically, it was time for me to walk, but the music wasn't ready. Did people walk faster than in practice? I don't know. We had to start walking to bridge the gap between the end of the last person and me. When I got to the back of the aisle, we paused for a moment. When I looked up, my eyes locked with my best friend. He looked so handsome, and so happy, and he was looking at me. How did I get so lucky? This strong, handsome, hilarious, smart, loving, leader was looking at me as if I was the only person here. It was at this moment I froze in time and was just plain happy. All the worries of timing, decor, or people's opinions had been completely blocked out of my mind. 

Press play on this song (Everything Else Disappears by Sister Hazel) and you should instantly fall in love.

http://youtu.be/r341DaIYulQ

As we walked down the aisle I looked in the faces of the people that came to support us. Like a movie, this moment was in slow motion as my uncle and I made our way to my love. I saw the faces of several people, their smiles each telling part of a story of how they have influenced my life. There were others that I saw that I am looking forward to getting better acquainted with.

I reached the end of the aisle, and as my uncle gave me away I stepped into a new adventure. I felt as if right then I was given a brand new slate, an unwritten story, a blank canvas, a book of pages waiting to be filled. Our officiate, Beau, did an excellent job helping us express our devotion for each other. However, more importantly, it was our desire that people knew why we love, and the one who we are both truly devoted to, which is Jesus. Our vows to each other were promised before a group of people we dearly love, and to each other, of course, but even more toward the one who created love and gave the ultimate example of true love. A love that sacrifices, to the extent of giving up His life for us. I am so thankful to Beau for sharing our love for the Father and each other in such a beautiful way. 

We will both cherish the gift that you both, Beau and Allison, gave to us that special day. Love you people.

Jacob's sister and brother in law, our matchmakers, came up to read scriptures and lead us into a prayer. Our parents, our Lifegroup Leaders, and the matchmakers circled around us to pray. It was a sweet moment for me to thank God for such beautiful examples of Godly marriage for Jacob and I. It really is a blessing to be surrounded by so many family and friends who encourage us and help keep us accountable.

"Man and Wife". That was us. Jacob gave me a kiss, and I stole another one. It was perfect and just like us. For someone with an aversion to PDA, I think he handled it perfectly.

Then it happened. I heard the words that I had longed to hear for so long:

Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Garza.

I couldn't wipe the goofy smile off my face as we walked back down the aisle to this song (Everybody by Sister Hazel):

http://youtu.be/5r1EFayQlqY

And the song was never more true when it says:

I wanna tell everybody, everybody,
That you're so much more than they've ever even seen before!
I wanna tell everybody, everybody,
If they touch your hand, they may never wanna let you go.

I couldn't have been more happy in that moment if someone paid me. I held his hand all the way around the house until we were inside for a moment of peace.

I smiled and looked at my husband. "We're married now!" I couldn't contain my excitement as I looked at him. He said something about just getting in the truck and leaving right then and there, and I knew he wasn't joking. But of course we stayed.

We were re-introduced to the crowd as Mr. and Mrs., cute the cake, and then the conversating commenced. I tried to get some sort of food in my stomach, but my desire to hug and greet people that I love dearly trumped those grumblings.

It was all surreal, really. Time leading up to the wedding at moved at a snail's pace and now the day was here and time was flying. I wanted it to slow down. I wanted to stay in these moments forever. My beautiful dress, the perfect weather, all of those people that I love dearly. It was truly perfect.

Then as if right on cue, the Blue Angels soared through the sky. When we picked the date, we didn't know the air show was that weekend. The day before the wedding, we were worried that they would fly by during the vows and you wouldn't be able to hear us, but because we are God's favorites, they waited until the reception to give our guests some live entertainment.

After some time it was time for us to go! I couldn't find Sweetness, but I had to get changed. We had talked in great detail for several weeks leading up to the wedding what this day and the following week would look like, but I didn't really get to do that the day of. I changed into my get-away dress and headed out of the door, of course feeling like I had forgotten something.

We walked through this amazing tunnel of bubbles and the smiles on everyone's faces made my heart so glad. I felt so loved, cherished, and doted on that day. Right before we were getting in the truck, I was looking for my Sweets, but I still didn't see her. I couldn't just drive away without saying goodbye. I heard that perfect little voice, "Mama!!" and I turned around to see her running towards me. Some of my favorite pictures from this perfect day are of the conversation that took place prior to us driving away. I told her how much I loved her and how we would be right back. We shared hugs and kisses and she went with my sister.

It's a complex place to be emotionally: wanting to bring her with me, but wanting this much needed precious time with my husband.

All of the bumps in the road didn't matter at that point.
I was his and he was mine, and it was the most perfect day.