Tuesday, July 23, 2013

That was uneccessary and just plain rude!


Why do I do the things that I do?
Why do I do them so mindlessly?
Why do I not take a moment to think about the consequences of my actions before just blindly jumping in to them and yet when I know God is pushing me to give something up or do something, I give him the 5th degree?

Today I had a good thought that I allowed to turn into a plain thought that I allowed to turn into a dangerously inquisitive thought that I allowed to turn into sadness and grief.

What was this thought, you ask? I wondered: Where was I one year ago? What was I doing last year at this time?

This thought in an of itself is not bad. I actually think about this a lot. Usually I remember where I was and it gives me a new thing to be thankful for. I see a small flash of all the things God did in my life and over the course of time which increases my love and adoration for His provision in my life. This time it was just different. Different because I instantly remembered where I was last year - figuratively, emotionally, spiritually and physically. But why didn't I stop there and just be thankful? Why didn't I think about the consequences of looking back over my old blog? Why didn't I realize that those words, mostly written in pain and sadness, would be unnecessarily relived?

So now I'm just irritated. Irritated at my past and irritated at my decision to read what I did...because of course I couldn't just read one post. I had to keep reading more and more. Stupid. But I can't blame anyone else. It was completely unnecessary and just plain rude to do this to myself! What a waste of time!

Now I'm going to go get a cup of coffee.
I'm going to drown myself in scripture and the presence of my great Creator and Sustainer.
I'm going to stop wasting time sulking or being angry at myself.

Rawr.

Monday, July 22, 2013

The Prince of Egypt

Little girl and I had a movie date last night. We cuddled up to watch The Prince of Egypt and eat ice cream. It's the story of Moses, described as "An Egyptian prince learns of his identity as a Hebrew and, later his destiny to become the chosen deliverer of his people." on IMDB.
When I think of Moses, I think of greatness. He was obedient to God's calling to free the people from slavery. Well, there is so much more to it than that. I know that he was raised as an Egyptian. I know all of the facts in my head, but I was reminded to put myself in his shoes to feel it in my heart when I saw this movie again.

He had just found out that the only family he knew wasn't really his family. He started having conflicting feelings about the treatment of the slaves as he started identifying himself with the Hebrew nation. He killed a man, an Egyptian man. After killing the man he ran away. Then God tells him, through a burning bush, to go back to Egypt to free the people. My brain would probably explode into a jumbled mess.

Wait, God, you want me to do what?! Um, I killed a man. I will be punished for murder. And how am I supposed to go back there and tell my family to free the people that I once governed over?

I tried to put myself in Moses' shoes and think about how I would feel. What if I had to go to my sister or my boss or the government and tell them to do something or stop doing something that was completely against everything that they had always done their whole life. Severed relationships, humiliation, possible punishment and so many other fears and consequences for this decision. Moses saw innocent children and families suffering through plagues. Families that he knew. People he grew up with were covered in boils and yet he remained faithful to continue pursuing the freedom of the Hebrews. Because God said He would be with Moses.

That is the thing that caught my attention and really got me thinking about all of this.

He would be with Moses. And Moses was obedient.

I have never been asked to do something as crazy has free an entire people from slavery. I mean, yes I am commanded in the Bible to share His name through the nations, but I have never had a clear voice telling me that I had to specifically go to Egypt or Africa and have a specific role. Yet, I have Christ in me. I don't just have a promise that God will be with me, but I have His very presence in me all the time. Moses was obedient even though He had never had an encounter with God like that before. That's craziness! An awesome sort of craziness...

God has been gracious enough to reveal Himself to me and speak to me on a daily basis, and yet I still have negotiations with God about what/how/when I'm going to do things instead of just saying "YES Lord" and being obedient.

It's humbling. It's eye opening. It's exciting.

It makes me think...
Is there something immobilizing me from specific tasks? Like lack of faith or wrong priorities?
Am I expecting God to approach me through a burning bush instead of listening to His still small voice?

God, I am not enough, but You are. Forgive me for my over analytical mindset and purify my heart to be filled with only You.

Here I am, Lord, send me.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Not perfect

I love this blog challenge. What a neat idea to provoke thoughts and ideas and get creative juices flowing. I think often times I'm stuck in a rut wanting to write something great so I don't write at all. Just like I want the whole house to be clean so I don't clean at all. Just like I want to be able to run a mile in 7 minutes (even though I haven't been able to do that in 6 years) so I don't run at all.

Just like I want to be skinny so I don't eat at all....ha! Just kidding...I wish....OK so it doesn't work that way with every part of my life. However I have found that a lot of times my desire for greatness inhibits my desire for trying? Effort? ...well honestly I don't know what I would call it. And normally I wouldn't publish this post until I had just the perfect word or phrase exactly how I wanted it. But....here's to a new week and a new beginning full of effort regardless of the possibility of a flawed outcome.

I don't have to succeed but I won't know if I can unless I just say Yes.

God doesn't call me to be perfect.
He calls me to be obedient.

Friday, July 19, 2013

5 Min Fridays! Listen


Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

Earlier this week on my way to pick up little girl, I called six people. SIX. I will not name the five people who did not answer their phones, but merely be thankful for the sixth. I wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to just blow off the time spent in the car. I wanted to hear about their day and catch up with them a little. I wanted to tell someone about my day. I wanted to spend 15 minutes conversing with someone on something other than work! I wanted to "veg out" for a couple minutes and unwind.

Today on my drive to work, I immediately pulled out my phone to make a call. In the mornings, I know my contact list to talk to people is a lot more limited since normal people are sleeping. My mind immediately was drawn to calling my aunt. Sometimes we catch up in the mornings and talk about what's going on in our lives for a little bit. But then I remembered that she was taking care of my nieces and nephews this week and would be unavailable to talk. I was a little bummed because I wanted to talk to someone. (I've never been the introverted type as you can tell). Then I heard His sweet still small voice.

Just Listen.
 
But I want to talk to someone and hear about their day/weekend plans. I want to see if there is anything I can pray about for them.
 
Just Listen.
 
I was quiet for a moment and I noticed the beautiful clouds still reflecting a little bit of the sunrise. I started thinking about how when I get to the office I was so looking forward to drinking my coffee. That smell and that incredible sense of warmth. Yes. That is what I wanted. I started thinking about how when I wake up I don't immediately get excited about praying like I do about coffee. I don't think about how refreshed I will feel just by spending a few moments in His presence even though every time I come to Him, I am refreshed and filled with overflowing incalculable peace and joy.
 
I love you.
I want a relationship with you, not your to-do list.
I want to hear about your day.
I want you to bring your excitement to me just as you bring your worries.
I have something for you, something special.
I need you to listen to my instruction.
Slow your mind, and listen.


Thursday, July 18, 2013

I Choose Forgiveness


I forgive you.
I forgive you not because it's "the right thing to do".
Not because I like you.
Not because the pain has gone away or I have forgotten.
Because I haven't forgotten.
In my human element, I don't know if I will ever forget.
I forgive you not because you deserve it, but because God forgives me on a daily basis.
I forgive you because I refuse to let hurt, bitterness and anger govern my life.
I forgive you because I refuse to allow the choices of another human being to distract me from a much more important reality.
Sure, I'm living on this world with you, but I'm not of this world.
I don't care if you like my tattoos or if you think I need to lose weight.
I don't care if you look down on me for being a divorced single mom or having a car missing a bumper.
Your opinions of me and my decisions are inconsequential.
Forgiving you is hard and an almost daily battle.

It's amazing to me how forgiveness can change your perspective in life. It's amazing how in an instant an individual can go from sworn enemy to beggar in search of living water.

I forgive you.
I forgive you because your debt was paid.
And because I love you.
And because your sin is as far as the east is from the west.
Through a great and merciful God, we can wake up with a clean slate.
I forgive you because you are a beloved creation.
I forgive you because you were destined for great things. I don't know what those things are but if you seek God, He will show you His love and guidance.
I forgive you and choose to love you so that we can be on the same team to accomplish the will of God.
We are not living on this world for long, and we have so much to do.
I choose to accept our differences and embrace all the possibilities that they bring to the table.
I choose to encourage your strengths and partner with your weaknesses as I submit mine to you in true community.
Your opinion of me and my decisions will not sway my love for you.
Forgiving you is hard and an almost daily battle, but it's worth it.

It's worth it because it's not about me. It's not about my heart being broken, because I have a personal relationship with a miraculous healer who has more than the mere bandaid that modern day society can offer.

I choose love.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Lite Brite Life


Where did I come from?
                    Where am I going?
What have I done?
                    What am I doing?
What have I learned?
                    What am I learning?


Remember these?

The picture was perfectly printed on that paper. (please don't mind the accidental alliteration)
But it wasn't accomplishing it's purpose until holes were punched in to let the light shine through the pegs. Those pages were designed so that the holes would be punched in specific spots in order to display the correct image. And once those pegs were in the proper place, the light would turn on and there would be your image on display. It used to be so frustrating when I would accidentally plug the peg in the wrong spot.

Lately, I have been really focusing on skimming out of my life all the extra stuff. Too many toys, too much tv, too many hours wasted, too many conversations wasted, too many opportunities passed me buy, too much stuff. I only want to do the things that I was specifically meant to do. I only want to talk about the things that matter. I only want to accomplish the things in life that make a difference.

As the light shines through me, are there pegs shining light in the wrong places?

I wonder what my picture looks like right now...I'm excited at what it will look like in 6 months, a year, 10 years.....

Oh the possibilities.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Brown Grass Revelation


Yesterday on my commute home from work, I saw a small patch of grass in a busy intersection. It had more patches of dying, withering brown grass than flourishing green. I immediately prayed that it would rain so that that patch of grass could get the nutrients that it needed.

I don't like the rain.
But that grass needs the rain to grow.
So now I would be thankful for the rain because I understand that that patch of grass really needs it.

I started thinking about how many times I have prayed for God to give this person or that person a "good" day instead of praying for God to rain down on that person's life the exact nutrients that they need to accomplish His will, thrive in joy in His Spirit and minister to those around them. I would hear a friend going through a struggle and I would pray that that struggle would go away instead of aiding and ministering through the change happening in their life. Rick Warren says "Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. Don’t waste your pain; use it to help others.”

I have been through my share of pain and heartache in my 24 years.
My pain doesn't define me, but it shapes me.
It shapes me to be opened to new opportunities of ministry.
It shapes me to have a heart more like Christ.
It shapes me to forgive because I have been forgiven.
It shapes me to sacrifice because I was given the greatest sacrificial gift through Jesus dying on the cross.
It shapes me to love the unlovable because I was the unlovable.
It shapes me to be free of all guilt, chains and judgment.
It shapes me to look forward with confidence instead of down at my feet.
It shapes me to live courageously because I have nothing to fear.
It shapes me to reach out to the world to lead them to the bread of life.

All of those experiences have shaped me to live outside of the box. That box that society tries to stuff you into. That box of what to do, what to eat, what to wear, what is cool, what is normal, what is "right", what is acceptable. I am not bound by that box. What a crazy adventure I have been on and I am so thankful for every bump and obstacle because it has led me to this crazy passion for my Creator and Sustainer! But what does that passion do or accomplish if I just hoard it for me? Sure, I can just be happy and live my life in passionate pursuit of God but this passionate pursuit has to produce fruit or it is mere selfish ambition. This is the importance of community.

I have surrendered my life to Christ and the freedom that I have in Him to NOT be bound by my past. The only time I think about the hard things that have happened is *sometimes* on holidays but most of the time it is brought up by someone asking me about it. Through time, prayer and ultimately my gracious God, all of those voids that were created by those times of hurt have been filled, not just filled but overflowing with God's goodness, forgiveness, joy and wholeness. He has diverted my thoughts of abandon to thanking him for his presence. He has changed my hardened and bitter heart to a soft heart of forgiveness and love. He has lifted my spirit of fear and insecurities and given me purpose and confidence in His spirit. I am governed by His laws and His acceptance which frees me from hatred and worry.

So now when I pray, I make a conscious effort to pray that God would reveal exactly what I am supposed to do when myself or a friend is going through a trial. We don't have to merely survive or just make it through the day. We don't have to "be polite" and ask about the hurt in someone's life. Why don't we be courageous instead and ask questions about what God is teaching them, what they are learning or how you can specifically minister to their life? Instead of asking them why the grass is brown, how long has it been brown or when it is going to turn green, why not instead encourage the green areas, and ask how you can pray for or encourage the others? If I'm not dwelling on my brown areas, there is no need for you to dwell on them either! :) We have more to live for, more to accomplish and more to explore than we can handle! We don't have to waste our time with what was, we need to be preparing for what is to come!

We already have the victory, but we have to surrender our will, our desires, our past.
Surrender to obtain victory, you ask?
Why yes, welcome to opposite world. It's a grand world of opportunity, revelation and more wonder than you can imagine.