What makes you come alive?

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Gill Bailie

What makes me come alive?

That ding of a text message, notification from my email, buzz of an incoming call, knock on the door, comment on a blog or post, picking people's brains, hearing their opinions, getting their version of the story, hearing their vision for the future, laughing with my lifegroup, vulnerability, open conversation, trust.
I love to write and I love when people read what I write. I love to hear people's opinion, their stories that are similar or different to mine, and their experiences that have changed them. I love to be connected and intertwined with my friends and family.

Community. That's what makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

It's like I've known him forever. Like he was made for me and I was fashioned for him. There is not much I have been more sure about than my decision to marry Jacob. His laugh when he thinks something is really funny, the way his eyes light up when he sees me, the gentle way he holds Sweetness when she is sleepy, how he provides for us without even thinking about it, his desire to lead our family whole-heartedly after God, those are the things that make me fall more in love with him everyday.

I knew in 7 days that I wanted to marry Jacob. And the thought of possibly having the next 70 years to share with him makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

I'm drawn to a memory of my hand interlaced between the little fingers of my daughter, her head on my chest, and her cute little giggle and whisper of repeating the words I'm saying while praying. Hearing her say thank you to Jesus and telling Him that we love Him is so precious for my soul even if she is just repeating them. I know that by merely saying those words, seeds are being planted of His goodness in her heart, which is the sweetest thing that could she could have.

My little girl talking to Jesus and hearing of His goodness, faithfulness, and love for her and me getting the incredible opportunity to be a part of that as we make memories throughout the years makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

I smile and laugh out loud as I think about the roar of sweet melodies and harmonies accompanied by lifted hands in worship. My community, my friends, my family all praising God with open hearts. Some praying, some crying, some laughing, some on their knees begging for God to invade and fall afresh on us as Jeremy Riddle's song says:

Awaken my soul, come awake
To hunger, to seek, to thirst
Awaken first love, come awake
And do as You did at first

Spirit of the Living God come fall afresh on me
come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul
Pour in me to overflow,
to overflow

Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade

Praise and worship to our worthy, merciful, just, perfect, and loving King.
That makes me come alive.

What makes you come alive? Go do that.

Warped Warfare

I've always been in awe of Paul preaching the gospel from prison. It's hard to fathom Philippians 1:12-18. In my Southern Baptist Christian American bubble, I always thought that kind of faith was something in the past. They were closer to Jesus, or connected with Him more somehow. I didn't see people have that kind of joy and resolve in tough situations in the regular life I knew. Instead, I saw people complain about their weight or get their feelings hurt too easily over something dumb. It was only during my alone time with God that I would have moments of clarity. My dad leaving, my mom dying, being uprooted and moved to a new family, being separated from my siblings - yet, I believed Jesus came to die for me and all the evil in the world. I believed that the Bible was true, and the Bible said that God was, is, and will always be good.

People told me that God loved me.
I was told that He has a purpose in all things.
But  the picture that had been painted for me of God's character was more of a happy grandpa who knew nothing of the real world. I didn't see the connection between the powerful and Sovereign God of Paul to the nice and happy God that we sang to on Sunday morning.

I wish I knew then what I know now.
The devil's main scheme is to anchor denial, doubt, fear, and lies into your soul. It is my responsibility to use the victory that has already been one to combat every flaming arrow that comes my way. EVERY flaming arrow. I don't have to be persecuted in a foreign country or in prison. I can just be missing my mom one day on a Saturday afternoon and the enemy will creep in like a nasty black smoke to plant seeds of anger, discontentment, sadness, and ultimately doubt that God does care about me.

I wish that someone would have told me this. I knew then as much as I know now that God is real. That wasn't an issue for me. I could study the intricacy of the human body, and see the beautiful creation all around me and just feel His presence. The sun shining down on me would literally feel like His Spirit soaking into my very bones. I knew He was real. The doubt was not planted of His existence, no, but a far more cruel thought. He existed, but He didn't care about me. He had forgotten or made a mistake. Why was I even here if all of that was going to happen to me? Did he not care that I cry myself to sleep? I couldn't measure up to what people were asking of me. I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or good enough. Why did I even exist? Was I some botched experiment that went wrong?

I know now that even typing those words out aches in God's heart. I remember a moment that really changed my life was hearing Matthew West's song "More".

I love you more than the sun and the stars
That I taught how to shine,
You are mine and you shine for me too.
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow I'll say it again and again
I love you more.

Typing the lyrics out from memory still puts a lump in my throat. When the arrows being fired were more than I could combat, God got to me. When I didn't even know how to call out for help, He fought on my behalf. When I was sinking in the waves of the storm, He called out to me to keep my eyes on Him.

The enemy planted seeds of hatred, adultery, and all other types of mistrust in my parent's marriage so that they split when I was young.
The enemy crowded my mom's thoughts and allowed her to make one of the most detrimental decisions a human can make.
The enemy crept into my heart and set up traps on every holiday and even several normal days.
Lies. All lies.

Can I miss my dad and mom and the relationships I could have had with them? Yes. I believe that the Lord grieves with me over what evil has done. But wallow in that grief and let it overtake thoughts of who I am? Absolutely not!

I wish I had known that I could use my circumstances to show God's goodness. I wish I had known that I would have the incredible opportunity to share His love and kindness to people who were in the same boat as me. I wish I knew that it wasn't just something that I had to bear with me and accept the "it's just God's will" statement for the rest of my life. All of my life I have heard people tell me, "It's ok to not be ok." But do they know that it's ok to be ok during the storm too? Why has it become so uncommon for us to have peace when the Author of Peace lives inside of us? Doesn't that seem backwards? 

So I can't do anything else but to beg you not to water down the gospel for other's who are hurting. Let them hurt, yes. They are allowed to grieve. But it hurts worse to have no purpose in pain than to know that God has won the victory over EVERY kind of darkness and there is a way to use this for His glory. We don't have to be sitting targets for martyrdom. We are called to continuously be ready to combat the enemy. We don't only have a shield, we have a sword. We are to fight. We are to deny the enemies claims over our friends and relatives.

I don't have all of the answers for why something specific happens, except that the enemy is actively working to warp your mind and draw you away from the only thing that is truly 100% good for you - a relationship with Jesus.

Don't let that happen.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete."
2 Corinthians 10:4-6

Now is hard, but now is perfect.

I might be the multitasking queen.
I might be just losing my mind trying to juggle it all.
I might be crazy to take on so much.
I might secretly love the challenge of the chaos.
I might be crazy in love.

Scratch that 'might'. I definitely am.
Crazy in love with Ryot and her beautiful long eyelashes and perfect little hands.
Crazy in love with Jacob and the way he makes me laugh.
Crazy in love with all of my friends and family who are stepping in to make me feel like a million bucks during this crazy wedding season.
Crazy in love with my precious Abba who chases after me when I don't even know which way is up.

Soon, some of the trees will be oranges, reds, and browns and the wind will be refreshing. The leaves will crackle under our feet as we run our errands and visit with family.
Soon, some of the days on my calendar will be empty and I will miss the chaos of going here and there. But this also means that introverted Mr. and daughter will jointly have a pleasant sigh of relief as they revel in the thought of an evening at home.
Soon, it will be Christmas, my favorite time of the year, and I will get to celebrate the birth of Jesus and make memories with my Mr. and Sweetness and Gracie as one family under one roof.
Soon my little sister will be saying "I do" just as I would have recently done and I know I will be crying as all the memories play through my head.

So for now I will run with the wild things, chase my errands, and laugh as everything is somehow crazily being sorted into it's proper place and timing.

I've never been a fan of being in between things, but this time is so sweet and precious to me. There is so much I'm looking forward to, and there is so much I've been through that makes me so grateful for where I am now.

Today is busy. Today is hard. But today is all I've got right now. So I will not wish today away. I will smile and cherish every moment.

Every Single Day

I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of when I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory's yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You're not far from home
-"Out Of Hiding", Steffany Gretzinger

Even typing those lyrics out wrecks me so much. I listen to this album every day. Every. Single Day. This is not an exaggeration. I wake up craving my Bible, journal, cup of coffee and this album playing as all of my walls come crashing down.

I feel He is near and then He gently knocks on one of my doors and asks, "Can I come in?"
"Are you sure you want to?" is the first thing that pops in my mind.
Coming in here is messy. It's chaotic. Sometimes it's not fun. Sometimes it's exhausting.
I find myself doubting. Surely not me, Lord. You want me?
You saw me in all my unbelief and junk and still chose me?

Yes.
So simple.
So huge.
Yes. He chose me.
So I am humbled, honored, and truly beside myself to say I choose Him to. Every. Single. Day.