I don't know how you didn't see that

My heart is as heavy as it is thankful today. Look at this sweet face. Her sweet cheeks that still have a little baby pudge to them. Her beautiful long lashes. Her hair resting softly against her face. Her perfect little lips. She is so peaceful, so precious.

I love her exactly as she is. Not for who she can be, or what she can do for me, but just because she is who she is. And she is MINE. In fact, I don't know who she is going to be and she is probably the most selfish she is ever going to be at this wonderful age of two. I don't love her because she is good all the time because she has her interesting moments every day. I love her because she is mine. I have loved her from the first time I heard that little pitter patter of a heart beat.

The thought of not having her is devastating. I can't fathom the devastating mental state of a person who would take their life after having 8, 13 or 15 years with their child(ren). Is parenting easy? No. Does it take every ounce of patience and sleep? Yes, and then it takes more from you that you didn't even know you had. Parenting can be embarrassing, exhausting, but even more exhilarating than you ever thought possible.

Mom, I miss you. Do I miss you? Or maybe I just miss the thought of you? Maybe I miss the possibility of what could have been. What would Ryot have called you? Grandma? Gigi? I don't know. I know that if you were still alive, life would have been very different for all of us. I can't help but think that Ryot was meant to be my little girl either way.

Since things happened in the way that they did, I can only hope that I can learn, grow and come out better than I would before. I'm going to be there for my little girl as best as I can. I am going to nurture and love her. I'm going to try to lead her to Jesus so that when I do fail her through her life, she can hold on to His hand. The hand of her Creator and Sustainer who will never leave her or let her down.

I miss you and you're missing out on something really beautiful.
I don't know how you didn't see that.