Every Breath

Maybe it's because my mom is gone.
Maybe it's because I don't know if she wanted to be a Grandma, Gigi or Nana.
Maybe I was motivated at first by fear.
Maybe I was anxious and dwelled on the big "What if?".
Maybe I felt too surrounded by failure.
Maybe I tried to hard to be something I wasn't.
Maybe losing a parent so young is just too hard to handle.

If I have learned anything in my life, it is literally to never take a moment for granted. It is one thing to watch a heart-wrenching 3 minute interview where a woman cries over her last words to a loved one being said in anger. You might be touched. You might even cry. Eventually you move on your way without ever realizing the devastation of those moments.

I hope you never have to sink your teeth in that despair.

Unfortunately, the world isn't so kind.

I have been to the point of wondering why life was even worth it.
I went through hating everything and everyone.
I chased after dreams and people that were not good for me.
I held on to pain and bitterness that destroyed my self-esteem.

There is a point in my life where I sunk lower than I feel is humanly possible. Tears pouring from my swollen eyes, head pounding, face to the floor, unable to move, to think, to breathe with pain so deep to my core that I cried out

WHAT IS THE POINT?!
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?!
I'LL DO ANYTHING!

If you get to that point, you are not alone. Sure your story might be a little worse or different than others, but you are not the only person who has ever felt that way. But when you get to that point, there is the opportunity for something wonderful to happen. You get to that point and think that there is nothing else you can do, no more pain that you can feel, no more hope. I understand. I've been in that place.

But...

In Genesis 50:20, Joseph tells his brothers "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today."

And this is not just "man". This is Joseph's own brothers, his blood! These are people he trusted. What they intended for evil, God can restore for good. This is not just some verse I'm quoting and trying to twist a life lesson out of. This is personal experience of being face down on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling completely desperate and hopeless. But God picked me up off the floor. He wiped the tears from my eyes. He lifted that weight off my shoulders. He rekindled the fire that had almost burned out. He breathed new life into my frail bones and taught me how to breathe again. With Him, through Him. In and out focusing on His grace. In and out feeling His presence. In and out basking in the light of His salvation freely offered to me. In and out deep breaths of life and joy and love. Not a joy that replaced the old but a newness never seen or heard before. A complete fulfillment never before experienced and nearly impossible to explain. There aren't enough colors to paint the picture or notes to sing His praise.

Now each day is new and different. Each moment is His. Each thought is held captive and passed through a new form of thinking. Every breath, in and out, is breathing new life, new fire, fresh air, pure love.

It can seem overwhelming to think about giving your whole life to God. But what about one breath. Then the next one. Then the next one. What about one hour? One day? Pretty soon a want turns into a desire which turns into a passion which turns into a craving. A craving that produces a smile and a touch and a voice. A voice that comforts and sings and loves. Love that reaches out and picks up a desperate girl off of the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling completely desperate and hopeless and shows her how to take one breath. And with every breath we drew was Hallelujah.