Honey, I shrunk the cyst!

On July 21, 2015 I sat in a cold MRI waiting room with the possibility of a tumor in my back. I left the appointment with the miracle of no tumor, but the findings of some cysts on my cervix. Because the largest one was 9mm, I had to schedule an ultrasound to get it checked out. Yesterday, July 20, 2015, I sat in a hot OB/GYN waiting room as several people were called before me to go to their appointment.

The last time that I had an ultrasound I saw the little beating heart of my now vibrant 4 yr old. This time, it was completely empty. I took deep breaths to hold in an unexpected and overwhelming sadness at the vast emptiness. You see, I knew it was empty going into the appointment. I knew I wasn't pregnant, but actually seeing it empty when my last memory was immense joy at the little perfect heartbeat, was surprisingly difficult.

The ultrasound lasted approximately 30 minutes where I asked several questions and the tech showed me what she was seeing. She was very kind and helped put me at ease. When she said that she was done, my sadness was replaced by confusion. I asked her about the cysts and she mentioned the ones on my ovaries that need to be watched. That information was nothing new; I've had PCOS since I was 18. I asked her about the cysts on my cervix and she turned the screen to look again. It was her first day at the office and she wasn't aware of my history. I told her that the whole reason I was getting the ultrasound was for the cysts on my cervix, the largest one being 9mm. Her eyes widened and she looked again, then turned the screen so I could see. She said, "If there was a cysts that was 9mm, it shrunk, because everything I see is tiny."

You guys. My cysts shrunk. They SHRUNK.

PRAISE JESUS. He is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord who heals.

Next thing on the radar is my appointment next Thursday, August 27, 2015 to find out results of other tests that I had. I'm praying for healing, trusting His hand is over me. Will you join me in praying that my next appointment will have nothing to be concerned about?

Thanks in advance.
I look forward to updating you later!

What's the story?

A white knuckle grip and a shaking arm showed how heavily she relied on her cane.  Her feet slid against the concrete to put one foot in front of the next. It took a dedicated amount of time to get from the door to the end of the sidewalk. I couldn't peel my eyes from her; she was mesmerizing. White linen pants, and a light blue linen shirt buttoned all the way up to her gray wisps of hair.

She stopped. As she faced the tree there was a moment she just stared in silence. I feared she was lost until she took her glasses and phone out of her front pocket. She fumbled putting her glasses on and pulling the camera up, but she successfully took several pictures.

What was she doing there? What did that tree mean to her?

I imagined that she just got a call that her daughter's adoption went through. In her eagerness to finally be a grandparent, she was taking pictures of the tree to see if she could build a tree house or to put in a swing.

I imagined that this house was not in fact her house, but the house of her mom that just died. Maybe her dad is in a nursing home so she was taking a picture of the tree to get a quote to cut it down to get the house ready to sell.

I imagined that she was taking a picture of the names carved in the tree to remind her husband who she is and the love that was once so fresh in his now faded memory.

I imagined she is an artist who used to walk the streets and parks for inspiration, but she can't get around well anymore. So instead of giving up her passion, she was grabbing inspiration from what surroundings she could get to.

The thing is, I really don't know why she was taking a picture of the tree. I can ponder and guess and imagine, but unless I ask her what she was doing, I won't know.

Just like I don't know why the mom isn't disciplining her child like I would in the store.
Just like I don't know why that girl is emotional in church.
Just like I don't know why the store clerk was rude to me when I asked a question.

You don't know my story, but you can ask.
I don't know your story, but I would like to.

Sometimes it's a little harder

I was fine, ya know. I took my steps one at a time and saw beauty in the waiting. You can look at the history of my phone to see the texts that show my sheer shock of how ok I really was. No longer was I bursting into tears at the thought of my future babies like I had done for so long. As cliche as it sounds, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't just walk, but I skipped through the valley and on the mountaintop. I danced in the rain with my sisters and brothers. Surprise overtook me again and again with how light I felt; so full of joy and hope for the future. Of course the mess would resurface. The enemy can't handle the freedom I was walking in. This is not new information, as the evil one is about as sharp as a block of cheese.

"The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I come that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

I have tried to be on guard, I promise. One thing that never gets easier is the pain that accompanies the snake's schemes. The Bible talks about how the enemy is against us, and to be on guard, but it doesn't detail what that will actually look like in your life when the enemy attacks. Because of how precious this is to me, I knew that it is something that the enemy would try to take again, but how do you turn knowledge into practicality?

Sometimes it slithers in under the radar. Randomly five different people every day of the week would excitedly ask when Sweetness would have a sibling, and every answer would get a little harder to get out.

I know God's plan is so good and we are trusting Him!
God's got perfect timing. 
Not right now, but maybe soon. 
When I find out, I will let you know.
I don't know. I really don't. 

Sometimes it doesn't sneak up on you. Sometimes like a bullet to the chest, tragedy strikes and you are left in a pile of rubble feeling like you made no progress at all. Sometimes you go to a doctor appt for an adjustment and a massage and you leave a different appt a couple days later with a report that says there is now a slightly bigger chance than you already had that you won't be able to get pregnant.

Then, for me at least, the pain and guilt rush in simultaneously.

God is good. 
But this hurts.
He has a plan. I trust him.
But I'm allowed to feel, right?

My brain goes to that place I try to avoid.
How can there be so much life around me, but not in me?

I am truly thankful to be surrounded by so much life. I see so many answered prayers, so many blessings that began as accidents. I adore them; the growth, the coos, the smiles, the cuddles, the growing bellies, the name reveals, the baby showers, the fears and struggles.

I am blessed, but I am also human. I don't want to know what happens month by month in the womb. I can't know. I'm not strong enough right now. Maybe in a month or a week, but not right now, not today.

So today I focus on His truth. His promise is life; not just life that is survived, but life abundantly.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11

I will take a deep breath.
I will think of what I'm thankful for.
I will repeat truth.
I will praise Him because He is good.
And even if I do not receive this thing my heart desires, my heart above all desires intimacy with my Savior, so I will praise Him.
In the tears and the heartbreak, in the waiting and the unknown, He is worthy.

Like a Honeycomb

Beautiful clear skies spanned as far as I could see and blessed me with a light cool breeze. I slowly pulled up to the red light and followed my ears to the country music to my left. The windows were down in their old red cherokee. His left arm rested outside of the window in the sort of familiar way like he had done it for years. She laughed and ruffled his hair before grabbing his hand. She tucked her hair behind her ear, but it just fell out as she pulled her knee up to her chest in the seat. She gazed out of the window like she was looking for shapes in the clouds. She looked so peaceful and blissfully happy. The wind blew a few strands of her hair out of the window and that's when I noticed that her hair was gray with some shiny silver streaks. She smiled and looked my way showing the wrinkles in the perfect shape that revealed just how often she smiled. There was a breathless moment that I had to take in her beauty as I smiled back.

I wonder if she knows how beautiful she is? Does she despise those wrinkles when she looks in the mirror, or does she see them as evidence of laughter and worry from hard times that she overcame. Do her hands only contain callouses she tries to hide or does she notice how elegantly they intertwine with the hand of her partner? 

In this moment, I distinctively heard the question "This is how I think of you." 

I have to admit that I don't think those things of me when I look in the mirror. I criticize and make mental lists of all the things that need to change. But he sees me as beautiful. 

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." Proverbs 16:24

"Let no corrupting come out of your mouths..." Ephesians 4:29

The first thing I noticed was her laugh, and how she was so attentive to her beau, not the wrinkles and the gray. I think she does too.