Insomnia, insomniaaaaaaa

Drop the beat...



Dum dum dee-dum dum dum da dum dum
Dum dum dee-dum dum dum da dum dum
Dum dum dee-dum dum dum da dum dum

Woahhhhhh

No more sleep in the night 

Can't even get it started

No relief, no respite 

From my mindless chatter 

Is there no end in sight?

Can time please just go faster?

Feels like I'm going insane!

Yeah

It's a thief in the night 

Stealing your good Zzzzz's 

Your bed feels like rocks

You can't get comfy 

The clock a device

More used for torturing

As the colon blinks in slo-mo!

Your mind is in insomnia

No counting sheep to pass the time

Insomnia

Your partner's snoring starts to rhyme 

Insomnia 

When can you just get some shut eye?

Insomnia

Insomniaaaaaa

Honey, I shrunk the cyst!

On July 21, 2015 I sat in a cold MRI waiting room with the possibility of a tumor in my back. I left the appointment with the miracle of no tumor, but the findings of some cysts on my cervix. Because the largest one was 9mm, I had to schedule an ultrasound to get it checked out. Yesterday, July 20, 2015, I sat in a hot OB/GYN waiting room as several people were called before me to go to their appointment.

The last time that I had an ultrasound I saw the little beating heart of my now vibrant 4 yr old. This time, it was completely empty. I took deep breaths to hold in an unexpected and overwhelming sadness at the vast emptiness. You see, I knew it was empty going into the appointment. I knew I wasn't pregnant, but actually seeing it empty when my last memory was immense joy at the little perfect heartbeat, was surprisingly difficult.

The ultrasound lasted approximately 30 minutes where I asked several questions and the tech showed me what she was seeing. She was very kind and helped put me at ease. When she said that she was done, my sadness was replaced by confusion. I asked her about the cysts and she mentioned the ones on my ovaries that need to be watched. That information was nothing new; I've had PCOS since I was 18. I asked her about the cysts on my cervix and she turned the screen to look again. It was her first day at the office and she wasn't aware of my history. I told her that the whole reason I was getting the ultrasound was for the cysts on my cervix, the largest one being 9mm. Her eyes widened and she looked again, then turned the screen so I could see. She said, "If there was a cysts that was 9mm, it shrunk, because everything I see is tiny."

You guys. My cysts shrunk. They SHRUNK.

PRAISE JESUS. He is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord who heals.

Next thing on the radar is my appointment next Thursday, August 27, 2015 to find out results of other tests that I had. I'm praying for healing, trusting His hand is over me. Will you join me in praying that my next appointment will have nothing to be concerned about?

Thanks in advance.
I look forward to updating you later!

What's the story?

A white knuckle grip and a shaking arm showed how heavily she relied on her cane.  Her feet slid against the concrete to put one foot in front of the next. It took a dedicated amount of time to get from the door to the end of the sidewalk. I couldn't peel my eyes from her; she was mesmerizing. White linen pants, and a light blue linen shirt buttoned all the way up to her gray wisps of hair.

She stopped. As she faced the tree there was a moment she just stared in silence. I feared she was lost until she took her glasses and phone out of her front pocket. She fumbled putting her glasses on and pulling the camera up, but she successfully took several pictures.

What was she doing there? What did that tree mean to her?

I imagined that she just got a call that her daughter's adoption went through. In her eagerness to finally be a grandparent, she was taking pictures of the tree to see if she could build a tree house or to put in a swing.

I imagined that this house was not in fact her house, but the house of her mom that just died. Maybe her dad is in a nursing home so she was taking a picture of the tree to get a quote to cut it down to get the house ready to sell.

I imagined that she was taking a picture of the names carved in the tree to remind her husband who she is and the love that was once so fresh in his now faded memory.

I imagined she is an artist who used to walk the streets and parks for inspiration, but she can't get around well anymore. So instead of giving up her passion, she was grabbing inspiration from what surroundings she could get to.

The thing is, I really don't know why she was taking a picture of the tree. I can ponder and guess and imagine, but unless I ask her what she was doing, I won't know.

Just like I don't know why the mom isn't disciplining her child like I would in the store.
Just like I don't know why that girl is emotional in church.
Just like I don't know why the store clerk was rude to me when I asked a question.

You don't know my story, but you can ask.
I don't know your story, but I would like to.

Sometimes it's a little harder

I was fine, ya know. I took my steps one at a time and saw beauty in the waiting. You can look at the history of my phone to see the texts that show my sheer shock of how ok I really was. No longer was I bursting into tears at the thought of my future babies like I had done for so long. As cliche as it sounds, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't just walk, but I skipped through the valley and on the mountaintop. I danced in the rain with my sisters and brothers. Surprise overtook me again and again with how light I felt; so full of joy and hope for the future. Of course the mess would resurface. The enemy can't handle the freedom I was walking in. This is not new information, as the evil one is about as sharp as a block of cheese.

"The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I come that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

I have tried to be on guard, I promise. One thing that never gets easier is the pain that accompanies the snake's schemes. The Bible talks about how the enemy is against us, and to be on guard, but it doesn't detail what that will actually look like in your life when the enemy attacks. Because of how precious this is to me, I knew that it is something that the enemy would try to take again, but how do you turn knowledge into practicality?

Sometimes it slithers in under the radar. Randomly five different people every day of the week would excitedly ask when Sweetness would have a sibling, and every answer would get a little harder to get out.

I know God's plan is so good and we are trusting Him!
God's got perfect timing. 
Not right now, but maybe soon. 
When I find out, I will let you know.
I don't know. I really don't. 

Sometimes it doesn't sneak up on you. Sometimes like a bullet to the chest, tragedy strikes and you are left in a pile of rubble feeling like you made no progress at all. Sometimes you go to a doctor appt for an adjustment and a massage and you leave a different appt a couple days later with a report that says there is now a slightly bigger chance than you already had that you won't be able to get pregnant.

Then, for me at least, the pain and guilt rush in simultaneously.

God is good. 
But this hurts.
He has a plan. I trust him.
But I'm allowed to feel, right?

My brain goes to that place I try to avoid.
How can there be so much life around me, but not in me?

I am truly thankful to be surrounded by so much life. I see so many answered prayers, so many blessings that began as accidents. I adore them; the growth, the coos, the smiles, the cuddles, the growing bellies, the name reveals, the baby showers, the fears and struggles.

I am blessed, but I am also human. I don't want to know what happens month by month in the womb. I can't know. I'm not strong enough right now. Maybe in a month or a week, but not right now, not today.

So today I focus on His truth. His promise is life; not just life that is survived, but life abundantly.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11

I will take a deep breath.
I will think of what I'm thankful for.
I will repeat truth.
I will praise Him because He is good.
And even if I do not receive this thing my heart desires, my heart above all desires intimacy with my Savior, so I will praise Him.
In the tears and the heartbreak, in the waiting and the unknown, He is worthy.

Like a Honeycomb

Beautiful clear skies spanned as far as I could see and blessed me with a light cool breeze. I slowly pulled up to the red light and followed my ears to the country music to my left. The windows were down in their old red cherokee. His left arm rested outside of the window in the sort of familiar way like he had done it for years. She laughed and ruffled his hair before grabbing his hand. She tucked her hair behind her ear, but it just fell out as she pulled her knee up to her chest in the seat. She gazed out of the window like she was looking for shapes in the clouds. She looked so peaceful and blissfully happy. The wind blew a few strands of her hair out of the window and that's when I noticed that her hair was gray with some shiny silver streaks. She smiled and looked my way showing the wrinkles in the perfect shape that revealed just how often she smiled. There was a breathless moment that I had to take in her beauty as I smiled back.

I wonder if she knows how beautiful she is? Does she despise those wrinkles when she looks in the mirror, or does she see them as evidence of laughter and worry from hard times that she overcame. Do her hands only contain callouses she tries to hide or does she notice how elegantly they intertwine with the hand of her partner? 

In this moment, I distinctively heard the question "This is how I think of you." 

I have to admit that I don't think those things of me when I look in the mirror. I criticize and make mental lists of all the things that need to change. But he sees me as beautiful. 

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." Proverbs 16:24

"Let no corrupting come out of your mouths..." Ephesians 4:29

The first thing I noticed was her laugh, and how she was so attentive to her beau, not the wrinkles and the gray. I think she does too. 

Waiting in Silence

I have tried to write. I have tried to post. I have tried.
But failed, or paused to put it more positively.
I blankly stare at the blank page. Blank, blank, blank. It's all I get! I can't get the words out. I have so many thoughts and ideas that won't cohesively come together to form content I deem worth publishing.

However, I can't just keep sitting here figuratively stuttering. I have to move. Writing is necessary or I feel murky and stagnant. Murky is a feeling no person should ever feel. We need to leave that to the swamps and the post 4th of July apartment pool water.

Whether it's pretty or not, here is the jist of my brain the last couple weeks.

I returned from the Dominican Republic a completely new and improved version of myself. My heart and brain were wrecked in the best way. I am working on a post recording my time there, but am struggling to get that one out as well. One of the huge things that impacted me from the trip was all that we take for granted in America. I rode home from the airport in my air conditioned personal vehicle. I took my hot showers whenever I wanted, and had fresh, clean, cold water to drink in my fridge full of food, in my air conditioned apartment with more square feet in my living room than most three bedroom homes I had just been in the previous week.

They were struggling to get food to eat and I was struggling to eat healthy and not eat too much.

Even writing that is so disgusting to me.

I decided then that I would take full advantage of the amenities that I have been so fortunate to be blessed with simply by being an American. I didn't feel worthy, but I wasn't going to let it go to waste. I decided to get healthy. I decided to take inventory of my materials and blessings and see how I could use them for good instead of burying them in the ground.

I began to work out. I ate healthy. I didn't spend money unless it was necessary or as a gift for someone else to bless them. I made good use of my time. I looked in the mirror and was thankful for what I saw. I didn't apologize for being me. I celebrated who God made me to be.

Every morning my alarm went off at 4:50am. I had the same routine and would knock out a workout listening to upbeat worship music. Beckah Shae helped me push through the hard workouts with lyrics about "going through the fire coming out gold". She called for "All my soldiers, all my warriors, risk takers, history makers, freedom fighters, and planet shakers" to "unite and shout a war cry" because "we are the revolution"! How can you not push yourself when modern day Braveheart is blasting in your headphones? My mind was sharp, focused, and motivated.

I am the revolution. 
This is the fire and I'm coming out gold. 
I have to get ready for the battle today. 

Every workout had purpose and meaning. When I started to sweat and get tired I would remember that it is His breath in my lungs. I pushed through the ever present annoying back pain and sore muscles. I left there stronger than I was when I walked in. My shirt was always drenched with sweat and often my eyes were filled with tears at weight of His glory I had just experienced. I was more confident, happier, and less concerned with what the outside world thought about me. A month went by and I was encouraged by some health nut friends of mine to check my weight and measurements. I knew what I weighed before I started, and when I stepped on the scale again I was surprised to have lost 10 pounds. My measurements shocked me with 7.5 inches gone! I was exhilarated. I was starting to like what I saw in the mirror and how my shirts fit. I vowed to not step on the scale until the end of July, which was one month later.

Early the next week I received a lot of comments on social media and in person about the pictures that I had been posting of my progress and workouts. Most of them were good, but some of them were jokingly making fun of me. Then of course I read an article that displayed several types of posts that according to the author are annoying and should be stopped immediately. Over half of those annoying posts are done by me on a regular basis like posting my baby's pictures, good food, fun places, couple pictures, #tbt, and gym pictures. After reading the article, my initial thought was that the author should just stay off of social media because the things mentioned are posts that everyone makes. However, it did rattle my cage a little and get me worried that I was annoying people or giving the wrong impression. I didn't post my gym pics from that day on. I felt weird now; judged, maybe? I'm not sure how to describe it, really. All I knew was that I didn't want to be the annoying person.

Through the next two and a half weeks, I struggled. I struggled to get up in the morning. I struggled to push myself while working out. I struggled to see strength, perseverance, and beauty when I looked in the mirror. I struggled to breathe. I felt guilty, ugly, useless, powerless. Suddenly I couldn't find things that I wanted to wear. I found it harder to process what I was feeling. I felt self-conscious all the time. My workouts became frustrating that I wasn't seeing much progress. I stepped on the scale almost every day and tears welled up in my eyes at how disgusted I was with myself. My muscles were still sore and my back pain was just getting worse.

One night I rubbed my husbands calves for an exchange that he rub that painful annoying knot in my back. The next morning we woke up and thanked me for how much better his calves felt. My back felt even worse than it did before he massaged it, which for my smart husband was an indication to go get it checked out. I went to see a chiropractor and nervously waited for her to crack my bones and hopefully prescribe me a massage. Through the initial meeting, she said that she would not be adjusting me because the painful mass in my back was not a knot. She guessed it was either a torn muscle that had separated from the other muscles or a tumor.

Wait, I'm sorry, what did you say?
I was supposed to walk in here and hear you tell me that everything was fine. You were supposed to adjust my back, send me to get a massage, and I would be on my way. But now they will call me to schedule a MRI? Is this a dream?

No pushing, pulling, of lifting more than 20 lb, and no running or jumping. I sat through electrode and ultrasound therapy on my back and texted my husband. He was shocked, of course, and asked a ton of questions. I answered all of them, I think. My brain wasn't really functioning with high quality. I left the office and was told that they would call me sometime by the end of the week. I tried to prepare myself to wait, but then they called me the very next morning. I scheduled the MRI for that night and powered through the day not even thinking about it. I went home and ate dinner with my family although I was so nauseated. My husband asked me if I was nervous and somehow I answered a simple yes without bursting into tears. At 8pm I drove to the MRI office, filled out the forms and waited.

And waited.
And waited.

I grabbed my journal from my purse and started filling it to occupy my nervous mind.

Cold, silent waiting room. 
30 empty chairs too close together. 
Traffic outside.
History of Green Bay Packers on TV.
Turning of pages by the receptionist.
Waiting.
Floral paintings.
Fake trees.
Marble floor decoration,
Lazy boy in the corner.
Bright lights
Hospital smell
Glass top tables
Beige walls
Empty hanging screw. I wonder what was there before?
Abnormally large door with abnormally low door handle. Wheelchair access? No idea.
Tech wanting fresh coffee.

It was my turn. I came prepared so I didn't have to change into a hospital gown. Flat on the table, ear plugs in, the stiff board slid into the enclosed tube.

"Can you hear me?" Yes.
"Try to relax" Sure thing.

I closed my eyes and relaxed the muscles in my body one section at a time until I was melted butter on the table. The loud banging and clicking was intimidating, but I think I might have fallen asleep because the tech came to get me long before it felt like 45 minutes had past. Either way I was out of there and began the waiting game once again.

Since I had scheduled my MRI for quicker than previously expected, the next morning at 9am I called the chiropractor the next day to see if I needed to change my appointment. To my surprise, I was informed that they had already received the results. My appointment at 2pm was kept and I would learn the results of the MRI. Not much was accomplished that day. My mind was in a little fog as I tried to lean into truth and give all anxiety to God.

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long at the chiropractor. She took me back almost immediately and gave me the incredible news that they did not find a tumor in my back. I would say I felt a sigh of relief but it was more like a loud, sudden, popped balloon of relief. She didn't seem as excited as I felt on the inside as she thumbed through the pages to pull the report. No tumor was present but they did find multiple cysts on my cervix. She handed me a couple pages of what kind the cysts are, told me to get them checked out, and then proceeded to talk about the torn muscle in my back.

But wait, back to the cysts. Should I be worried? The paperwork says they aren't preventable. So are they normal? No, the paperwork says they are rare. More information on the cysts, please.

She told me that due to my car accident or maybe some other trauma from the past, I tore a muscle in my back and it has separated from the other muscles. Every time that I have massaged it, asked my husband to stick his elbow in my back to relieve the pain, or done a lot of heavy lifting that included my back, I have just made it worse. When I explained it to my husband, he pointed out that that is why the massage a couple days ago made me feel worse while his calves felt better. Fantastic.

My chiropractor is incredible, so when I asked she did talk more about the cysts. She did ease my worry a little bit in telling me that these types of cysts are not dangerous to my health, but ultimately, I need to go to a different doctor to get them checked out. There is a possibility I might need to get some of them removed since the largest one is 9mm. I made the appointment for August 4th, and have entered yet another waiting game.

Since the appointment, the awful feelings I had toward myself have vanished. I have felt strong again, and have been faithful to wake up and spend time with Jesus during my workout. However, a new set a feelings had formed in my gut that I hadn't experienced in a long time.

What if I can't get pregnant? If it's not in the cards for me, I know that His plan is better. Oh, but my heart aches to have more children. What if, what if...

It's fear of the unknown really. It's not a fear of the actual outcome, because I know that God has good plans for me. I know that He looks on me fondly and wants what is best for me and what will bring Him the most glory. It is my honor and true blessing to experience this crazy life and all of the obstacles for His praise. It's just the in between moments that are hard; the trusting, the waiting, the unknown. I trust Him. I will wait. I will repeat that "perfect love casts out fear" and that I am filled with the Holy Spirit who is the essence of perfect love, so there is no room for fear. I will repeat it until I believe it with my heart AND my mind. And this is where I will stay, in the precious place where His love has no sense of time. As I wait, I will sway to the music that His creation naturally exudes around me. I will lay the prospect of my beautiful brown curly haired, brown eyed babies at the feet of the Father and say, "Please, Abba. But if it's not your will, I lay them at your feet." And I will breathe the breath that He has placed in my lungs, and worship Him for WHO He is, because He is worthy.

Rest

Power down. Shut off. Break.
Pause. Relax. Take a breather.
Calm down. Stand Still. Tranquility.

Rest.

No matter how you think the earth came into existence, at one point there was a rest day. After some time, the lump of clay becomes a pot, the seed a plant, and the tadpole a frog. Much of the world is not a fan of the 'in progress' mode; I'm included in that bunch. I often find myself saying, "I don't like being in between things." The process is sticky, messy, sometimes painful, most of the time long, but all of the time worth it. However the satisfaction comes at the end of a diligent work session to smile with pride and say, "This is good".

Whether you are winding down from a volunteer event, marathon, work week, business trip, art show, or workout, it is absolutely vital to success to rest. Have you ever looked at it that way? Everything else operates this way, so why wouldn't you? You have to charge your phone, or it dies. You have to give your body food, sleep, and water, or you will not last. Why wouldn't your mind work the same way? Take a step back and look at your project, your day, your week. What about it was good? There will most likely have been things that were bad because we live in a broken world.  However, there will most definitely be things that are good.

Look for the positive. Fill your life with people that add to your life, not take away. Reduce drama and stress. Seek help. Talk to a friend. Have a glass of whatever, responsibly. Go hiking. Take a bubble bath. Eat something delicious. Sit and read outside in the shade. Go suntanning. Let go of anger and bitterness. Pamper yourself. Go shopping. Indulge a little. Stretch. Sleep in. Laugh a lot. Watch a good movie. Sit in silence and just feel the miracle of breath entering and exiting your lungs.

You deserve it, just for being you.

Reboot and Record

The point touches the paper as ink flows through the casing and an entire world is unlocked.
A world of endless possibilities at the tip of my fingers.
So why am I struggling to find the words to describe the chaos in my brain?
There's so much that begs to be processed but time eludes me.
Tomorrow my brain will refresh to be able to contain more information, but much of what was tasted and seen in recent past will be forgotten.
This is unacceptable to me.
I want to capture life entirely while being present in the moment with both eyes open and all other senses active.
Is this possible, without actually traveling with an ongoing live podcast tracking my every move and thought?

We shall see tomorrow.
Tonight I will reboot.

One minute and one second

Me: ok, night night Sweetness, I love you more than you know. 

Sweets: I want you to lay with me for one minute and one second!

Me: I need to go lay in my bed to sleep. I don't fit in your bed very well. 

Sweets: but I won't have a mom! I need a mom!

I happily stayed until she fell asleep. I laid there wondering how many more times I will get to watch her fall asleep while I play with her hair. One day she might not want me to stay in there with her, so for that moment I treasured those extra cuddles. 

As I laid there next to her, I looked at how her rosy cheeks were so plump and squished against the pillow; they are so soft like they were as a baby. I cherish things that make my very grown up 3 yr old a baby still. She had a couple of her silky strands of hair hanging in her face that I brushed away as she made a huge sigh of giving in to falling asleep. Her small hand with her long fingers was nestled up by her face so gently. I ran my finger tips over hers and she gripped them. I wonder how many more times she will want me to hold her hand. 

After she was asleep I pulled the covers off of her a little so that her fever wouldn't have an excuse to go crazy. I gave her one more kiss on her forehead and snuck out of the room. I crawled back into bed with my hubs quietly and laid there instantly missing her. 

And at 130 in the morning I still laid there awake thinking about her laugh, and the funny way she says things. I could't help but ponder all the ways I could have done things differently, and I thanked God for His Grace. I made plans to be a more patient, loving mommy. My brain spun a thousand miles a minute thinking of so many things, plans, mistakes, good memories, to-do lists, and funny stories. 

That night I prayed for mommies. The ones who dish out medicine at 1 am or give lukewarm baths to draw out the fever on the middle of the night. The ones who work so hard to give their children what they need often sacrificing their own sleep or desires or even just a hot cup of coffee. I thought of you as you rocked your baby in the middle of the night. I prayed for you as you stayed up late finishing school or cleaning the house because you chose to spend time with your little ones during the day instead. And I prayed for you, pregnant momma who was tossing and turning in the middle of the night. There are so many things that are uncomfortable during those life-forming months, but oh so worth it. 

Grace, and abundance of grace, to you.

Oceans

I'm sort of borrowing the idea of #musicmondays from my talented, hilarious friend Laurie.

Did you read the post about how we all need to Stop Singing Oceans?

This morning while I was listening, and singing (I'm a rebel, I know), to that song I remembered when I read that blog post. I agreed with it and I'm fairly certain I even shared it on social media. However, the last few months of my life have changed how I think drastically. I am a new creation all over again. My brain has been swapped out, and I have been given new ears and new sight. I have received a full, mind and spirit makeover and I have never felt better.

Sure, if you tell God that you will trust him without borders, he might take you to Iran. But he also might just ask you to wait a little longer to get pregnant, or be brave by talking to your kid's teacher about Jesus, or not giving up during your workout because the fit guy on the treadmill is killing it. It could just look like sitting still or smiling when you feel like there is nothing left to smile about.

Living in a foreign country does not make you a super Christian.
Nothing actually makes you a super Christian.
There is no goal to attain.
The thing we should be chasing is actually a Someone, a relationship with Jesus.

Sing Oceans. Sing it out with every ounce of enthusiasm and abandon that you have in you. Sing it until you believe it. Put it on repeat and examine what that looks like in your life.

I think that even if you are standing in the pew moving your mouth to the words, there is a possibility some sort of goodness is being planted that can blossom when you need it to. That is gold.

Keep digging deeper. Keep pushing yourself. Keep singing Oceans.

I'm Not Waiting

My alarm was set for 5am. My plan was to sleep until my alarm went off. Then when my fitbit buzzed it's soothing wake up call, my plan was to swiftly get out of bed, drink spark and rehydrate, spend some time with Jesus, workout for 30 minutes and then get ready for the day. My clothes were set out for the gym, and my drink prep was all ready to go. But that isn't what happened at all.

First, I woke up at 2:47am to use the restroom. On the way back to the bed, I stepped in a delicious pile of evidence that my dog's stomach was upsetting her. So instead of getting to just fumble back to my bed in the dark, I got to clean my foot, sanitize the floor, and prepare the bath rug to be washed in the morning.

As soon as I crawled back in bed, Ryot came in the room to tell me that the light on her clock had gone off and she wanted it back on. We walked back to her room, turned her clock on, and I reminded her that the light would go off in a minute. I told her that it shouldn't matter because her eyes were supposed to be closed. When my head hit the pillow a little after 3am, I was irritated that I was awake. I was lying there wondering why I was even awake and then I got a word for a friend. I grabbed my phone and sent it to her immediately and was shocked that she responded. We texted for a short while and then I went back to sleep.

I'm not sure how much time had past since falling asleep, but Sweetness was back in my room telling me that she was hungry. Again we walked back to her room where I reminded her that we are not Amish and don't eat meals in the middle of the night. She whined that she wanted to be Amish and I patted her back to sleep in between wimperings. I carefully placed every step back to my bed, not wanting to hit any more puppy land mines.

Yet again about an hour later, Sweetness was back in our room. She wanted to lay with me and tried to crawl in our bed, but we usually end up pushing my handsome Mr. to the very edge of the bed when she joins us, so we again made the walk back to her bedroom. This time I just didn't say anything and crawled in the twin bed with my Sweets. She asked if I would stay with her and I just said "shhhh" and fell asleep. I woke up maybe 3 more times really cold but realized that I still had the cover on me.

Maybe that's why my little sweets kept waking up.
Maybe she was cold.
Maybe she was hungry, even though she ate all of her dinner and some of mine.
Maybe she is going through a growth spurt.
Who knows.

Maybe I woke up and stepped in dog poop so that I would be awake enough to send some encouragement to a friend.
Maybe I woke up because the enemy wants me to be tired and groggy and use my terrible night's sleep as an excuse to not have unexplainable joy.

I don't think either of those last two maybe's are actually maybe's.

I am tired.
I am bummed that I didn't get to work out.
I am watching the count go up on my fitbit challenges and planning in my mind tonight how I'm going to catch up.
I will not let sleep deprivation effect my mood.
How I feel does not change the beautiful facts that I was a sinner who had no hope, but God loved me, sought after me, sent His Son to die for me, and pursues a relationship constantly.

Psalm 39:7 "An now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You."

Are you waiting for a good night's sleep to put your hope in God?
Are you waiting for your cup of coffee before singing His praises?
Are you waiting for a new job, boss, president, etc before surrendering all you are and have to the One who created it all in the first place?
Are you waiting to be completely healthy before finding joy in all circumstances?

I think the enemy wants to keep us in a hold pattern.
Who will win our heart today?
Who will win our hope?
Who will win our affection?

Our hope is in the everlasting, all-knowing Creator who is crazy in love with us and is constantly working all things for good.

What are you waiting for?

I am on His mind

My dad died one year ago on May 2, 2014.

I needed his birthdate for applying for my Passport, so I looked up his obituary online.
Same for my mom.
At least I have the information, right?

I couldn't call him to ask. Or shoot him a quick text. I looked up the record of his death that is publicly available for anyone to see online. It's a strange place to be, really. The relationship that some people have with their parents is sacred to them. I can't have the same relationship with someone else's parent like they can. I'm not them. But now the whole world has the same access to the details of my dad's life as I do. Because it's not his life anymore, it's his death. He is minimized to a stone plate with a couple dates. Alive December 4, 1958 and gone May 2, 2014. That's it.

I was reminded of him today. I was deleting messages on my phone trying to clear up phone space and that's when I saw it. I keep it. I've tried to delete it a couple times, but can't ever push that red button. It's at the bottom of the list, from so long ago, and nothing is even in it. I just see his name. That's it. But that means that at one point he texted me. He physically picked up his phone and sent me a message or replied to one that I had sent. He thought about me. At that moment, he wasn't a display of dates. He wasn't just a beginning and an end. He was alive, and I was on his mind.

He's gone, but that doesn't mean that he didn't live. He is just now only alive in memories, the good and the bad. He can't breathe, or laugh, or share stories. Everything that was left unsettled in our relationship will remain to be unsettled, like dust unshifted under an old rug. The musty smell of a lost connection lingers every time I'm reminded of him.

I'm not even mad that my phone lost the content of the message. It wouldn't make a difference to have his words. What matter is that there is a spot for him.

What matters is that even though he's not here now, he existed once.
What matters is that I was on his mind at least a handful of times between December 4, 1958 and May 2, 2014.
And that is enough for me now.

It wasn't always enough. I spent many years crying myself to sleep wondering why he didn't want me, or why he wouldn't return my calls or texts. Over time I believed I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, whatever enough.

It was the foundation for every decision I made or question I asked. It still tries to creep up from time to time to question my identity, but if I am aware and on guard I can confidently silence the voices that tell me I am not enough.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us...and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:4, 6

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

I am enough.

Because He not only says I am, but he shows me I am everyday.

I am "confident of this very thing, that he who has begun a good work in [me] will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:6

I believe that for me, and for YOU, the Lord will fulfill his purpose for us, his steadfast love endures forever. He will not forsake the work of his hands (Psalm 138:3)

I am on HIS mind.

Missed Moments

The blinking cursor
and blank page
curse my blinking eyes
and blank mind.

The blaring talent pouring through the speakers laughs at the gibberish pouring onto blank pages.

The wishing heart
and effortless dreaming
leave me wishing for simplicity
and effortless sleeping.

The tired eyes racing through the missed moments to knock on their door with no reply.

The crawling anticipation
of the morning sunrise
have me crawling the baseboards
and mourning the lost time.

The hopeful expectation is known to not waiver as mercy is invited in with the dawn.

Happy Mother's Day!

Momma, you brought me in to this world. I know you loved me for at least a short time of my life and that is enough.

Aunt Nese, you didn't have to take me in but you did. You provided for me and have never gotten fed up with me all of the years that I made it hard to love me. You show me Jesus in our conversations and in the compassionate, selfless, hardworking, merciful, loving way you live your life. You are the one I want to call with good news, and hearing your encouraging voice is always a sigh a relief in my life. I love you. 

Granny, without you, I wouldn't even be here! You gave my mom life and have given me so many good memories or eating ice cream while watching tv land late at night and always reading our scriptures in the morning and night. You are one of my best friends. You always make me laugh and remind me to seek Jesus. I love being your namesake. I love you. 

Grandma, without you, I wouldn't be here either! You gave my dad life and have always pushed me to be the best I could be. I cherish the memories we made in the summer times while I was growing up. I know that you believe in me and that is fuel for my heart! I love you. 

Meemaw, you gave my Granny life! Without you, the majority of my family wouldn't be here! I remember your great hugs, taking naps with you, and how you called me Sugar. I miss you everyday.  I love you. 

Happy Mothers Day to all of the moms who have stepped in to love me through the years. It is because of so many of you that I am who I am today. You helpedlove me when I was broken and have spoken truth over my heart to help me grow  into who I was meant to be. I am still a work in progress, but I am so thankful to you for all of the hard work it was to love and pour into me all these years. 

I so appreciate you. Hopefully you know who you are and how grateful I am for you!

5 Min Fridays! I am always learning.

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, set, go!

A couple things I realized/learned today.

1. I typically walk with my head down looking at my feet or the ground a few feet in front of me. I've read articles and have been told to hold my head up in confidence when I walk. I tried to hold my head up and take in the world around me as I walked today and I promptly learned that I don't actually walk in insecurity but as a precaution for my own safety. Walking with my head up is just begging for tripping hazards.

2. My brain thinks too much. It's a chaotic traffic jam of ideas, memories, successes, failures, to-do lists, reminders, introspection, observation, and feelings. I write and the letters blur as I try to capture all of the madness into cohesive sentences when I realize that my brain was not made to process a single thought. I just have to try to revisit what my brain begins so that I can finish it. Also along these lines, I have realized that 40 minutes is not enough time for my ridiculous brain to process anything. So now I have a ton of ideas and incomplete thoughts rummaging in between my ears and it's making my brain hurt.

3. It's really hard for me to sit and do nothing. Intentional rest is a frustrating and foreign idea that I really want to learn how to do.

4. It's really hard for me not to defend myself sometimes.

5. I learned today that most of the time I operate under the false belief that I am wasting time. There is so much running through my brain that needs to be accomplished and I can't possibly do it all. The brain part of me gets caught up in the idea of making memories and not taking any moment for granted, but the heart part of me just wants to do what Jesus wants. I know that those ideas are not mutually exclusive, but I need to decipher who is saying what. Because I only want to follow Jesus. Even if I never go anywhere, He is my greatest adventure.

6. I learned that the reason why I say hello people is because it is completely uncomfortable to make eye contact and not say hello. I want to know them. I want them to sit by me and tell me how they think and what they want. I want to know if their eyes light up or if they are sad. I want to hear what their voice sounds like and watch their mannerisms. I wish that I could know everyone in the whole world.

7. I learned that while I see all of the things that I need to work on, Jesus sees my smile and loves to watch my brain process. This is something that I learn and re-learn often. When I sit with Jesus, he reveals so much to me without making me feel like a complete failure. And that is such a relief. I love him. 

What kind of name is that?

"What kind of name is that?"
"Oh, that's.....interesting."
"THAT'S her actual name?"

Riot
1. A violent disturbance of peace by a crowd.

This is what some people think when they hear the word riot. They picture fights, strikes, and outrage. Too long have I felt guilty for not picking a name after a Biblical heroine or gentle attribute. I could have named her Amariah, which means promised by God, or Aria, which means song or melody. There have been so many times that people have cringed when hearing that I named my daughter Ryot. But have they seen the second definition of the word?

Riot
2. An impressively large or varied display of something.

Have you met my little girl? She is definitely an impressively large AND varied display of something, alright. There is no doubt about that.

She is passionate, about everything. She gets passionately excited, passionately helpful, passionately angry, passionately sad. There is no ounce of apathy in her spirit. She is hilarious. She seeks out ways to make people laugh, when she knows them. She rarely walks anywhere we go because she is too busy dancing or jumping or skipping or running. Her energy is exceptionally high but her focus is deep and intense. Her dreams are vivid, colorful, and detailed. She doesn't need friends to validate her, she knows she is a princess soldier simply by being herself. She is busy with ideas, stories, and questions flowing constantly, but often stops to watch bugs crawl by or smell flowers that we pass. She is beautiful from the adorable freckles on her nose to her huge feet. She is a masterpiece of design and color.

When I was pregnant with her, I prayed that she would be fierce, independent, confident, assertive, passionate, and everything else that I could think of that I thought I was failing in. I would beg God not to make my sweet baby like me. God always answers prayers in His wisdom. It's the only way He can answer prayers because that is who He is. So because He is always good and He delights in answering the requests of His kids, God made my little girl fierce, independent, strong, confident, and feisty to her core. He was also so kind in His wisdom to show me that all the things I prayed for Ryot to be were not things that I had failed in, but attributes that I had let be stifled in me or that I had not discovered yet. He was confirming that all of the attributes that I so desperately wanted for Ryot were gifts that he had given me that had been buried through life experiences, and relational heart breaks throughout me upbringing.

As I watched Ryot's personality form, I saw all of the possibilities of what she could accomplish and be, and Jesus so softly spoke truth over my life that was being reflected through my little miracle. I don't think I truly realized my potential of being resilient, independent, and strong until I survived being a single mom. Those are some of the hardest days of my life, but I see such goodness in them. And Jesus protected my little one by giving her such a strong, resilient heart. I tried my hardest to make sure she didn't miss a thing or even know that we were struggling. I'm hoping that she won't remember those sad, tired days, but instead will remember quality time, long walks, and precious alone moments we had during that time.

There is always more pages in someone's story than you realize.

It used to really bother me when someone would criticize her name, but now I just smile in confidence. Because it's not just a name.

Ryot is my sour patch kid, my miracle baby, my sweetness.
Ryot is a story of the best kind of love; sacrificial love of a good, good Father to His precious children.
Ryot is an embodiment of fiery passion that will one day change the world.
Ryot is an impressively large and varied display of beauty, creativity, passion, and the endless possibilities that come with saying yes to a perfect, loving Creator.

She's mine. And that makes me proud.

Perfect Love Is Not Passive

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Fear is a very real, raw emotion. Sometimes you're startled or anxiety-ridden. It poisons you from the inside out.  It's a sneaky, slithering snake waiting in the shadows to bite at your ankle. It has no courage or backbone, and it seeks to destroy you. It's a tranquilizer shot in the dark that you didn't know hit you until you feel it in full force. However it affects you, it's not static.

But what is love?

There are many ways to describe love. Hallmark cards for years have tried to sum up the perfect poem or letter to reveal what love is. Love is sometimes a feeling, and other times it's a choice. Personally, my favorite definition sees Love as a Person.

1 John 4:8 "Anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

The very nature God is love. His core character is unshakably rooted in love and this is a marvelous thing. Not only do we have the Bible to tell us the definition of love, and Jesus to show us practical examples of what love looks like, but we are fully able and invited to have a relationship with God who is the true definition of love.

1 John 4:18 casts vision for a fierce encounter. It doesn't say that perfect love passively jokes about how nice it would be for fear to leave the party. Perfect love chases it away because it is impossible for fear and love to coexist. You can have one or the other.

Whatever your definition, Love is not static.
Love is not merely a band-aid to bide time.
Love is constantly in relentless pursuit to eradicate fear.
God is constant in relentless pursuit to free you

The Big Beginning: Part Two

If you haven't, you should check out The Big Beginning: Part One. You know you want to.



"Amen."
My dear friend and officiate finished his prayer over us. I gave my very soon to be husband a big hug and walked outside. I saw my family, and the kiddos standing at the edge of the gate. I peaked around the corner to see everything set up exactly as I had dreamed. All the guests were expectantly waiting in their seats. I watched as my grandparents, and my in laws, and my aunt be ushered down the aisle. I had seen this a million times before, but not for me. This was my special day, and it was perfect.

This was really happening. I grabbed my uncle's arm and took one last deep breath as a Taylor.

Those few minutes seemed to last forever. It was a mix of beautiful emotions. I was missing people that should have been there and so overwhelmed with gratefulness for the guests, family, and friends who had worked so hard to make everything come together. I remembered how I have felt many times sitting as a guest waiting for the bride to enter. This time that bride was me.

Logistically, it was time for me to walk, but the music wasn't ready. Did people walk faster than in practice? I don't know. We had to start walking to bridge the gap between the end of the last person and me. When I got to the back of the aisle, we paused for a moment. When I looked up, my eyes locked with my best friend. He looked so handsome, and so happy, and he was looking at me. How did I get so lucky? This strong, handsome, hilarious, smart, loving, leader was looking at me as if I was the only person here. It was at this moment I froze in time and was just plain happy. All the worries of timing, decor, or people's opinions had been completely blocked out of my mind. 

Press play on this song (Everything Else Disappears by Sister Hazel) and you should instantly fall in love.

http://youtu.be/r341DaIYulQ

As we walked down the aisle I looked in the faces of the people that came to support us. Like a movie, this moment was in slow motion as my uncle and I made our way to my love. I saw the faces of several people, their smiles each telling part of a story of how they have influenced my life. There were others that I saw that I am looking forward to getting better acquainted with.

I reached the end of the aisle, and as my uncle gave me away I stepped into a new adventure. I felt as if right then I was given a brand new slate, an unwritten story, a blank canvas, a book of pages waiting to be filled. Our officiate, Beau, did an excellent job helping us express our devotion for each other. However, more importantly, it was our desire that people knew why we love, and the one who we are both truly devoted to, which is Jesus. Our vows to each other were promised before a group of people we dearly love, and to each other, of course, but even more toward the one who created love and gave the ultimate example of true love. A love that sacrifices, to the extent of giving up His life for us. I am so thankful to Beau for sharing our love for the Father and each other in such a beautiful way. 

We will both cherish the gift that you both, Beau and Allison, gave to us that special day. Love you people.

Jacob's sister and brother in law, our matchmakers, came up to read scriptures and lead us into a prayer. Our parents, our Lifegroup Leaders, and the matchmakers circled around us to pray. It was a sweet moment for me to thank God for such beautiful examples of Godly marriage for Jacob and I. It really is a blessing to be surrounded by so many family and friends who encourage us and help keep us accountable.

"Man and Wife". That was us. Jacob gave me a kiss, and I stole another one. It was perfect and just like us. For someone with an aversion to PDA, I think he handled it perfectly.

Then it happened. I heard the words that I had longed to hear for so long:

Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Garza.

I couldn't wipe the goofy smile off my face as we walked back down the aisle to this song (Everybody by Sister Hazel):

http://youtu.be/5r1EFayQlqY

And the song was never more true when it says:

I wanna tell everybody, everybody,
That you're so much more than they've ever even seen before!
I wanna tell everybody, everybody,
If they touch your hand, they may never wanna let you go.

I couldn't have been more happy in that moment if someone paid me. I held his hand all the way around the house until we were inside for a moment of peace.

I smiled and looked at my husband. "We're married now!" I couldn't contain my excitement as I looked at him. He said something about just getting in the truck and leaving right then and there, and I knew he wasn't joking. But of course we stayed.

We were re-introduced to the crowd as Mr. and Mrs., cute the cake, and then the conversating commenced. I tried to get some sort of food in my stomach, but my desire to hug and greet people that I love dearly trumped those grumblings.

It was all surreal, really. Time leading up to the wedding at moved at a snail's pace and now the day was here and time was flying. I wanted it to slow down. I wanted to stay in these moments forever. My beautiful dress, the perfect weather, all of those people that I love dearly. It was truly perfect.

Then as if right on cue, the Blue Angels soared through the sky. When we picked the date, we didn't know the air show was that weekend. The day before the wedding, we were worried that they would fly by during the vows and you wouldn't be able to hear us, but because we are God's favorites, they waited until the reception to give our guests some live entertainment.

After some time it was time for us to go! I couldn't find Sweetness, but I had to get changed. We had talked in great detail for several weeks leading up to the wedding what this day and the following week would look like, but I didn't really get to do that the day of. I changed into my get-away dress and headed out of the door, of course feeling like I had forgotten something.

We walked through this amazing tunnel of bubbles and the smiles on everyone's faces made my heart so glad. I felt so loved, cherished, and doted on that day. Right before we were getting in the truck, I was looking for my Sweets, but I still didn't see her. I couldn't just drive away without saying goodbye. I heard that perfect little voice, "Mama!!" and I turned around to see her running towards me. Some of my favorite pictures from this perfect day are of the conversation that took place prior to us driving away. I told her how much I loved her and how we would be right back. We shared hugs and kisses and she went with my sister.

It's a complex place to be emotionally: wanting to bring her with me, but wanting this much needed precious time with my husband.

All of the bumps in the road didn't matter at that point.
I was his and he was mine, and it was the most perfect day. 

Laugh At Me

The other morning I was put in an incredibly awkward and irritating situation. My driver didn't receive all the information from me, but when I relayed the correct information to the client, my driver twisted it to seem like my fault and both he and the client laughed at me. I turned around and walked inside furious. When the client left, I calmly approached my driver and told him that next time I would appreciate more communication and more professional conduct in front of clients. I was really polite about it and we cordially ended the conversation on the same page.

I exhaled as I walked back to my office, frustrated.
I sat down at my desk, frustrated.
I analyzed the conversation and how badly I looked like an idiot in front of the client - a conversation that can't be taken back.
My reputation was marred.
I was laughed at.
I was horrified.

Then like a ton of bricks I was hit with the picture of the Savior of the world who did nothing wrong, laughed at as people threw stones at him, beat him, and spit in His face. They spit in the face of the very person who desperately wanted them to know how much he loved them. And I'm worried about one man getting the wrong idea of how competent I am at my job?

I can't help but get emotional at how wrong I have it, so often.
The importance is not how I come across, but how Jesus comes across through me.
The bottom line is not that I am good at what I do, but that I am changed and driven by a different source.

I'm so thankful that the same standards I sometimes think I have the right to hold to others are not forced on me.

I'm so thankful for vision beyond what I can see.
I'm so thankful for insight to things my flesh would reject.
I'm so thankful for grace.

It's Messy

There is more mercy for you than you realize.

All of the time you spend beating yourself up, Jesus would rather you be at His feet soaking in His presence.

He wants to tell you just how beautiful he thinks you are.
He wants to give you love and mercy enough so you have no choice but to give some away.

Readily available are hundreds of neatly designed quotes of how "my cup overflows", but have you stopped to think about what that's really like? I don't remember giggling with glee the last time that I poured too much coffee in my cup and it spilled on the counter. I was irritated. It was messy.

How much more messy is the unfathomable, uncontainable love of a perfect Father to His dearly beloved children?

He pours and pours until we think we can't hold it any longer and he keeps pouring as it spills over the sides of our hearts, into our lungs as we breathe, flowing through every blood vessel until it oozes out of our pores and bellows out of our mouths in various forms of laughter, song, wisdom, discipleship, gentle rebuke, mercy, and love to all who we encounter.

His love is messy, perfectly.

It's sticky. It's intended to be sticky. It's still there when you think you don't have any remaining, the remnants are left behind to cling to until your surrender welcomes you back to sit at His feet to get refilled.

There is mercy available for the taking. Just ask for it.

Happiest of Birthdays!

Cassie. Oh my goodness, you are a treasure in my life.
The first person to ever pray healing over me and me be able to see and feel tangible results.
You have a servant heart that myself and everyone who knows you admires and aspires to be more like.
Absolutely hilarious, and your laughter is contagious. You exude joy with ease.
Real, raw, vulnerable, and so open. You invite people in and create a space of comfort.
Huge heart and always so encouraging.
Happiest of birthdays, faithful one! I love you and our friendship!

Caitlin. You amazing unicorn, you!!
I'm remembering at the ATS retreat before we got our Myers Briggs results and I was desperately trying to come up with something creative and I just can't compete with you. I'm not even on the same playing field! haha!
God has gifted you with this spirited, lively, active, beautiful, adventurous, exciting imagination.
You are a dreamer and visionary. God uses and will continue to use that mind of yours to bring His light to the earth!
You create an atmosphere of joy. You know how to laugh and always leave a trail of happiness wherever you go.
Happiest of birthdays, joyful one! I love you and our friendship!

Ali. You are the best. Seriously.
There's not one person who truly knows you that doesn't love you. Anyone that you think doesn't like you, just hasn't had the chance to really see your brilliance yet.
I feel like you have God on speed dial and are constantly clothed in His anointing.
You radiate peace and are always so welcoming to everyone.
Your eyes see the goodness in those who can't even see it in themselves.
Your story is amazing and I know that there are so many chapters waiting to surprise you with His goodness. And you will be ready for it because you are always so in tune with His heart.
Happiest of birthdays, chosen one! I love you and our friendship!

Calah. Name buddy, heart buddy, and beautiful songbird.
I smile and laugh typing this because that is how you effect the world.
You are a beacon of light.
Your heart is so tender for others and so eager to seek after Jesus.
It's so inspiring to know someone who is so teachable and open for God to mold you and shape you to be more like Him.
Not only are you naturally talented with a beautiful voice, but your heart and attitude are always inviting people to a posture of worship. When you speak and sing, you tangibly bring the love of the Father to those who hear you.
Happiest of birthdays, lovely one! I love you and our friendship!


How did I get so lucky to be surrounded by these beautiful women of faith!?
Maybe because I'm God's favorite.
Yeah, I think that's it.

Even if

We sing songs about having joy through trials. We read scriptures about overcoming mountains or casting our cares on the Lord. But what does that really mean when 'trials' is given a real name?

I'm trading the grief of miscarriage for the joy of the Lord. 

I'm casting my care of job loss on the altar. 

I'm laying my desire for healing at the feet of Jesus. 

I'm letting go of [insert grief/worry/fear] and falling into His grace/mercy/love. 

God is good. When the world is against you, He is for you. When the world tries to create doubt and wedge distance, God is runnin toward you to close the gap. He wants you to fall into His arms and let Him carry your burden. 

He is good. 

Tonight my declaration is that the fear or sadness of the unknown of whether I will ever see my mom, dad, or Brent again is not comparable to the goodness of Gods glory that I have tasted and seen and know to be concretely true. 

So for now I cherish every moment I have with those I know and I cling to the hope that I have in Jesus. 

He is the hope. 

Even if I never know the why, he is worth every question asked. 

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

My coworker left early yesterday because he said he wasn't feeling well.

Coworker: I went to the gym yesterday and killed it. These girls were staring at me, they were alright, and they asked to take a picture with me. Oh yeeeah buddy, I still got it.
*then he flexed and dropped down and did 10 pushups while screaming "GAINS"*

Just minutes later we have this conversation:

Coworker: Can you text [our boss] and ask him to pick me up a Monster on his way in and I will pay him back?
Me: Um.....no?
Coworker: Yes you can. I believe in you. *he walks out of the room*

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. It's only 9am.

Jesus, help me.

Help me see him like you see him.

He is strong and funny and definitely one of a kind. His personality is contagious when he isn't being obnoxious. He is obnoxious because the needs of His soul aren't being met by the only one who can fulfill them.

God, you long to meet Him where He is and spread your love and mercy and confidence in all of those gaps that tell him he isn't good enough or that he has to fight for attention. He doesn't have to fight for acceptance or attention. You a;ready adore him exactly as He is, but he just doesn't know it.

I just don't like him. But you love him more than I can ever imagine. You have given him a unique set of talents, skills, and gifts that only he possesses. You have treasure available for your kingdom that only he can unlock and he doesn't even know that he holds the key. He is a vital part of your plan. His story is important and somehow has intertwined with mine for the glory of your name.

He is your son. He is royalty. He is beloved.

Help me to see him how you see him. Help me to respond in a way that cares for your precious son who is running from you. Help me bring him home with a gentle heart, mercy, and patience.

You are so good. You always have been and always will be.

2 Corinthians 4:6 For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made His Light shine in our hearts to give us the Light of the knowledge of God's Glory displayed in the face of Christ.

I have the experiential knowledge of your glory and love. I have seen your goodness and your grace. I have tangibly felt your mercy and deep devotion over my life from my dark tragedy to true joy and peace that really does surpass all understanding.

Please let that light shine in me. Help me to see him like you see him. Help me to respond in a way that honors you. Help me to love him like a brother.





Is there anyone in your life that could use a change in perspective?
Just ask Him. He will answer.

A little jealousy

A sweet new life was brought into the world 6 days ago. The labor that it took to bring her into the world was hard, painful, and at times unsure. It was scary waiting for each update from my family. How was my sister in law? How was my niece? What were the doctors saying? Were they ok?

Now days later and all of that is in the past. Sure, my sister in law is still recovering from the natural pain of childbirth, but all is well and we are all so in love with our newest addition.

Adalyn Grace, you have been prayed for and loved from the moment we got the surprising news that you existed.

A couple days ago, Hubs, Sweetness, and I went to visit Adalyn. It was the first time that Sweets was going to hold her and she was so excited as we walked over to their apartment. We walked into the apartment and the very first thing that my Sweetness did was ask for some cheetos that she saw on the counter. What an abrupt anti-climax, right? Yeah, I felt it too. I was so excited to see my baby loving on another little baby. I had, unknowingly, built up all of these expectations of how she would act when she saw Adalyn. And then, she just wanted cheetos.

She did ask to hold her eventually and we snapped a picture.

She was a little nervous to give her a kiss, but I think that was more because we were all watching her. Eventually she gave her kisses and she was done holding her. I held Adalyn for a good time as we talked with family. I loved the familiar feeling of that tiny warm body nestled into my arms. Oh, my whole body ached smelling her fresh baby skin and feeling her soft hair.

Sweetness came over to me and asked to hold her again. I let her sit in my lap and hold Adalyn for a little bit until she was ready to get up. She stood up and whispered in my ear, "I want you to put the baby on the ground". I looked at her sweet face and recognized instantly how much her request needed to be answered. I passed Adalyn along and immediately my big, no longer a baby, 3 yr old crawled in my lap and laid in the same position I was holding Adalyn.

She needed to be held and doted over. She needed me to brush her hair out of her face and gaze at her with overwhelming affection. And I did, because she brings that out of me naturally. My usually busy 3 yr old laid in my arms like she did as a cuddly infant for way longer than I ever expected her usual high energy levels to allow her. She was content to just be in my arms as I rocked her and gave her kisses.

We all laughed a little at how jealous she became, but I know she just needed that time with me. I'm believing that one day Sweetness will have younger siblings. There will be some days that I have to give special attention to the baby while she does other things as the more self-sufficient big sister. But for now, we can just sit, and rock, and whisper.

For now and for always, you will be my baby, my dear Sweet Ryot.

Happy National Siblings Day!

April 10th is a lot of things.
April 10th is nearing the deadline to file my taxes. Yikes.
April 10th is only 7 days away from my Nephew's birthdays!
April 10th is only 8 days away from my Uncle's birthday, and my favorite Piper's birthday!
April 10th is only 8 days away from my sister in law's due date, and subsequently baby Adalyn's birthday/entrance into the world! (maybe)
April 10th is National encourage a young writer's day. I'm pretty sure that means encourage a young aspiring author, but I have a young writer hanging out with me at the office who loves to write her name. I just bought her a preschool work book that we are going to begin working through, and I know she will need some encouragement!
April 10th is National Farm Animals Day. I will print out some farm coloring pages today and maybe go through all of the different animals that live on a farm with my Sweetness.
April 10th is National Cinnamon Crescent Day. How the Cinnamon Crescent got it's own National celebration, I'm not sure. Maybe I will have Ryot help me make some sort of cinnamon bread dessert after work. Maybe...

April 10th is also National Siblings day- which is really what I wanted to write about.

I have siblings, I have cousin siblings, I have sibling-in-laws, and I have friends that might as well be my siblings. You might look at that and think one big episode of Maury. But I look at that and know that even when life tried to throw us all around a bit, we still made it with our heads high above water and an unbreakable bond.

I love them all. I would love to honor each of them individually, but let's be honest, you have more to do with your life than sit and read this blog post for 4 hours. You're welcome. So I will honor them by category with just five descriptive words (or word phrases).

My siblings:
Coral - Big sister, second mom, intelligent, gorgeous, talented.
Dustin - Big Brother, idol when I was growing up, hilarious, hard-working, servant-hearted, fearless.

My sister-cousins:
Jennifer - Trust-worthy, beautiful, compassionate, thoughtful, wise.
Lindsey - Spontaneous, genius, creative, witty, confident.
Allison - Spirited, inventive, stunning, ambitious, humble.

My Sibling-in-laws:
Heidi: Beautiful, trust-worthy, creative, down to earth, talented.
Patrick: Hilarious, intelligent, tall, skillful, likeable.
Seth: Leader, faithful, funny, strong spirited, reflective.
Scotty: Ambitious, joyful, steadfast, witty, smart.
Nate: Hilarious, active, humble, hard working, supportive.
Ashley: Talented, empathetic, visionary, beautiful, encouraging.
Thomas: Leader, clever, resolute, emboldening, loyal.
Kendra: Kind-hearted, enchanting, sincere, confident, graceful.
Cody: Considerate, skillful, dynamic, devoted, hilarious.


All of my friends- you know who you are- you have made the rough years bearable and the good years great. I love you. Thank you.

I have the greatest group of siblings and so many nieces and nephews. I can't wait for baby Adalyn to enter the world and for Allison and Nate have kids. The more the merrier!

Love you people! I'm so blessed to call you my family!

Cruise Control

I don't want you to be on cruise control. Put your hands on the wheel; feel its grip. Don't let it swerve off of the path, but be careful for the bumps along the way. I want you to speed up and slow down when I tell you. I want you to follow the signs I have strategically placed, however inconvenient they may seem. I am working all things for good.

Turn up the radio, let the wind blow your hair, and trust me.

I got this.

The Ride

You go up and you go down. Your wheels spin as you speed down the highway. You know that you are driving fast, but you don't seem to be nearing your destination. Dead trees and dead grass, faded signs and mile markers, distant clouds against a solemn grey sky, they all look the same with every minute that passes. The dead branches are reaching out to be remembered. How many have passed by his outstretched arms? How many have acknowledged his existence?

The AC is too cold but the air is muggy without it. You shuffle positions when a limb starts to fall asleep. You listen to the music that the driver prefers at the volume the driver prefers. Your stomach grumbles but you are surrounded by a wide span of empty fields of grazing cattle. Extra rare beef sushi, anyone?

You yawn. You yawn again. Stop yawning. It's still early. The lack of adequate sleep and the long day has caught up with you. Yet sleep is still far away. 

For now you sit back and you think fondly of home. 

I wonder if he told her

There was something about the way he looked at her. With his head lightly resting against his palm, his lovestruck eyes stared across the room watching her charming antics, oblivious to the productivity of the day. It seemed so simple, like he was at peace by simply looking at her. He drank in her presence with no inclination that he would tire of it any time soon.

I wonder if she knew how much he loved her.
I wonder if he told her.

There was something about the way he looked at her. With his head heavily resting against his palm, his tired eyes stared across the room watching her pacing steps, oblivious to the productivity of the day. It seemed so confusing, like he was listening to a language he couldn't understand. He drank in the dialect with no inclination of resolving the conflict any time soon.

I wonder if she knew how much he loved her.
I wonder if he told her.

There was something about the way he couldn't look at her. With his head face-down in his palms, his blood-shot eyes stared down at the tear soaked papers on the table, oblivious to the productivity of the day. It seemed so hopeless, like he was trying to save the life of someone already dead. He drank in the familiar smells of a life he once had with no inclination that it would be recovered any time soon.

I wonder if she knew how much he loved her.
I wonder if he told her.

There was something about the way he looked at her. With his head hung down in shame, his disconsolate eyes stared at her cold face oblivious to the productivity of the day. It seemed so meaningless, like he loved and lost love in a blink of an eye. He drank in the last sight of her stone with no inclination of leaving her side any time soon.

I wonder if she knew how much he loved her.
I wonder if he told her.

Six Things

Here are six things that cross my mind a lot.

1. Parenting Ryot. Am I doing enough to show her that there is grace while giving enough discipline? Am I raising a productive and responsible member society while still allowing her to be a kid and play? Am I empowering her to have confidence while still imbedding in her humility? Am I stirring her heart to be creative but still enforcing rules to be followed? Am I encouraging her awesome fiery spirit, but at the same time instilling a respect for authority? Am I teaching her to be nice without lying or being fake? Am I just being with her instead of thinking about all of the ways that I could be doing something better?

2. Cleaning my house. I will never have a showroom house. It's just not going to happen. Life happens at my house. Love dwells there. Fun days with tents, coloring, movies, wrestling, and imagination run rampant. You mix two adults, a 3 yr old, and a dog who shed just by blinking, and my house is never going to be spotless. I'm ok with this, but my desire to please my husband with a clean home haunts me. Where is the balance?

3. People Watching. I find this happens most often when I'm driving. I see the person next to me with a blank stare forward and the lady in front of me is putting her makeup on while the light it still red. The teenagers behind me are blaring their music and dancing like no one is watching even though everyone is definitely watching. What are they thinking? Where are they going? How are they feeling? What's on their hearts? Who are they? What do they like and dislike? Do they live here or are they just visiting? I wonder if we would be friends, or if they know anyone I do. Often I find myself praying for them and there is a part of me that misses them when they go. So many missed connections because our lives are so busy. If we were walking to town or on our horse carriages, I might have started a conversation or two with them. But modern technology takes that away. So for now, I just pray and wonder.

4. Christmas. My favorite holiday. I think about Christmas all the time. When I go to new places, I always imagine what it would look like if it was decked out in Christmas decorations. Christmas lights, carols, ornaments, wreaths, snowman, trees, bells, reindeer, and all of the snow makes everything so much better. We get to eat special cookies, spend extra time with family, give presents to loved ones and get some in return, and remember and celebrate the birth of Jesus. It is just all around the best!

5. Jacob. I text him and think about him all day long. That's what you do with your best friend. I find something funny and he is the first person I send it to. I dream of our home in the future, and what it might look like. I think about ways that I can make him happy. I dissect arguments to work on the ways that I could have acted differently. I pray for him throughout the day. I really wish sometimes that people could see the Jacob I know. He is so sweet, loving, thoughtful, kind, and really all-around wonderful. My best friend. My favorite.

6. Jesus. I need thee, oh, I need thee. Every hour I need thee. It's true. Every thought becomes captive, every situation is filled with hope and joy, and every person I meet is just another creative masterpiece that God wants to pull close to have a deeper connection with. Jesus makes everything in life sweeter, and manageable. I don't have to have control of it all. He does. And I get to experience unconditional love, incomprehensible power, awesome miracles, and joy that really does surpass all understanding. I love this life I live.