The Ride

You go up and you go down. Your wheels spin as you speed down the highway. You know that you are driving fast, but you don't seem to be nearing your destination. Dead trees and dead grass, faded signs and mile markers, distant clouds against a solemn grey sky, they all look the same with every minute that passes. The dead branches are reaching out to be remembered. How many have passed by his outstretched arms? How many have acknowledged his existence?

The AC is too cold but the air is muggy without it. You shuffle positions when a limb starts to fall asleep. You listen to the music that the driver prefers at the volume the driver prefers. Your stomach grumbles but you are surrounded by a wide span of empty fields of grazing cattle. Extra rare beef sushi, anyone?

You yawn. You yawn again. Stop yawning. It's still early. The lack of adequate sleep and the long day has caught up with you. Yet sleep is still far away. 

For now you sit back and you think fondly of home. 

I wonder if he told her

There was something about the way he looked at her. With his head lightly resting against his palm, his lovestruck eyes stared across the room watching her charming antics, oblivious to the productivity of the day. It seemed so simple, like he was at peace by simply looking at her. He drank in her presence with no inclination that he would tire of it any time soon.

I wonder if she knew how much he loved her.
I wonder if he told her.

There was something about the way he looked at her. With his head heavily resting against his palm, his tired eyes stared across the room watching her pacing steps, oblivious to the productivity of the day. It seemed so confusing, like he was listening to a language he couldn't understand. He drank in the dialect with no inclination of resolving the conflict any time soon.

I wonder if she knew how much he loved her.
I wonder if he told her.

There was something about the way he couldn't look at her. With his head face-down in his palms, his blood-shot eyes stared down at the tear soaked papers on the table, oblivious to the productivity of the day. It seemed so hopeless, like he was trying to save the life of someone already dead. He drank in the familiar smells of a life he once had with no inclination that it would be recovered any time soon.

I wonder if she knew how much he loved her.
I wonder if he told her.

There was something about the way he looked at her. With his head hung down in shame, his disconsolate eyes stared at her cold face oblivious to the productivity of the day. It seemed so meaningless, like he loved and lost love in a blink of an eye. He drank in the last sight of her stone with no inclination of leaving her side any time soon.

I wonder if she knew how much he loved her.
I wonder if he told her.

Six Things

Here are six things that cross my mind a lot.

1. Parenting Ryot. Am I doing enough to show her that there is grace while giving enough discipline? Am I raising a productive and responsible member society while still allowing her to be a kid and play? Am I empowering her to have confidence while still imbedding in her humility? Am I stirring her heart to be creative but still enforcing rules to be followed? Am I encouraging her awesome fiery spirit, but at the same time instilling a respect for authority? Am I teaching her to be nice without lying or being fake? Am I just being with her instead of thinking about all of the ways that I could be doing something better?

2. Cleaning my house. I will never have a showroom house. It's just not going to happen. Life happens at my house. Love dwells there. Fun days with tents, coloring, movies, wrestling, and imagination run rampant. You mix two adults, a 3 yr old, and a dog who shed just by blinking, and my house is never going to be spotless. I'm ok with this, but my desire to please my husband with a clean home haunts me. Where is the balance?

3. People Watching. I find this happens most often when I'm driving. I see the person next to me with a blank stare forward and the lady in front of me is putting her makeup on while the light it still red. The teenagers behind me are blaring their music and dancing like no one is watching even though everyone is definitely watching. What are they thinking? Where are they going? How are they feeling? What's on their hearts? Who are they? What do they like and dislike? Do they live here or are they just visiting? I wonder if we would be friends, or if they know anyone I do. Often I find myself praying for them and there is a part of me that misses them when they go. So many missed connections because our lives are so busy. If we were walking to town or on our horse carriages, I might have started a conversation or two with them. But modern technology takes that away. So for now, I just pray and wonder.

4. Christmas. My favorite holiday. I think about Christmas all the time. When I go to new places, I always imagine what it would look like if it was decked out in Christmas decorations. Christmas lights, carols, ornaments, wreaths, snowman, trees, bells, reindeer, and all of the snow makes everything so much better. We get to eat special cookies, spend extra time with family, give presents to loved ones and get some in return, and remember and celebrate the birth of Jesus. It is just all around the best!

5. Jacob. I text him and think about him all day long. That's what you do with your best friend. I find something funny and he is the first person I send it to. I dream of our home in the future, and what it might look like. I think about ways that I can make him happy. I dissect arguments to work on the ways that I could have acted differently. I pray for him throughout the day. I really wish sometimes that people could see the Jacob I know. He is so sweet, loving, thoughtful, kind, and really all-around wonderful. My best friend. My favorite.

6. Jesus. I need thee, oh, I need thee. Every hour I need thee. It's true. Every thought becomes captive, every situation is filled with hope and joy, and every person I meet is just another creative masterpiece that God wants to pull close to have a deeper connection with. Jesus makes everything in life sweeter, and manageable. I don't have to have control of it all. He does. And I get to experience unconditional love, incomprehensible power, awesome miracles, and joy that really does surpass all understanding. I love this life I live.

Eight Things

Eight things I want to say to Eight different people right now.

1. Momma, I miss you. At least I think I miss you. I guess I just miss my 8 year old picture of who you were. I miss the memories that we never made. But I'm not even sure we would have ever made them at all. I love you. I loved you before you died too. I'm doing really well. I have a handsome husband who is loving, kind-hearted, hard-working, hilarious, intelligent, wise, and would protect me at any cost. He's wonderful, mom. He makes me laugh and smile everyday. And I know that no matter how many arguments we have, he will always be there. I also have a beautiful little girl. She is so full of life and joy and spunk! She is sometimes a little too spicy for my sanity, but I wouldn't have it any other way. She is going to change the world some day. I wish that you could meet my family. I don't know if you cared whether I was taken care of or not, but I am. And even beyond that, I'm just plain happy. I forgive you, and I'm so very sorry that you felt hopeless. I wish that I could have done something to help you see the beauty and purpose of this life. I'm so sorry.

2. Dad, I miss you. I miss the times you chose to be an active dad in my life. I miss watching war movies, that I probably shouldn't have been watching at my age, and eating dark chocolate until WAY past my bed time with you. I miss our dog Abby. There are so many things I could have done differently while you were still alive. I missed a lot of opportunities. I was angry, and hurt, and confused. I felt like I shouldn't have been put in the position that I was in with having to be the one pursuing a relationship with you. You should have pursued me. You should have been the one who poured encouragement and love into me. But I'm not angry. I forgive you. I'm sorry for the times I made it difficult to love me. I'm not sure you ever wanted to be a dad. I imagine it would be a hard place to be: loving a child you never intended to have. Especially after your relationship with mom ended. Growing up I'll admit that I didn't see the big picture. Now that I have my sweet girl and have been through my share of twists and turns, I understand more of your position. I don't agree with a lot of your decisions, and I don't understand most of them, but I forgive you, I love you, and I do miss you. When I think of you, I have fond memories of when we were having fun together. I wish that we could make more memories and that you could be a part of my daughter and husband's lives as well. But if you were alive now, I'm not sure that anything would have changed, short of a miracle.

3. Jacob, my favorite. I love you. I love that you put up with my quirkiness and strange antics. I love the security that I have in you; I know you took your vow seriously to stand by my side and I don't take that lightly. You are my rock. You are the person that I want to talk to when I get excited. You are the person I want to be with when I'm feeling sad, even if I don't disclose everything that's going on in my busy mind. You are the one that I want to know, and in return know me inside and out, and I've never had that before. I want you to know that I trust you, I value your opinion more than you probably realize, and I respect you for who you are and who you are capable of becoming. You are fascinating through and through. The way your mind works is truly intriguing. I want to learn you more so that I can help support you better, and just because I want to know more about you. I tease you about your ambitions sometimes, but I wholeheartedly believe that you could be successful at anything you tried your hand at. You just have to have the confidence to step out there and try it. If you don't have the confidence yourself, I'm hear to back you up. I know that you can do it. You constantly exceed the expectations of others and never give yourself credit for it. You are so loved, so cherished, and so masterfully created to be the best. 143.

4. Ryot, my little love, my first born, my Sweetness. You are so precious. You were earnestly prayed for, wanted, and have continued to be a dearly beloved member of our family. I can't imagine life without you. You are always on my mind and I talk about you probably more than other people care to hear. I really don't mind those toys on the floor or the smudges on the counter. I love being woken up by you in the morning, just preferably not with pain. Hearing your squeaky voice in the morning asking for chocolate milk and a show is my perfect wake up call. Seeing you sad, mad, or sick breaks my heart every time. I want you to have everything that you need and want, but I also desperately want you to know that ALL you need it Jesus. He loves you so much, and will continue to be your Rock when the world fails you. I have failed you often, especially during my single mom days. I was so stressed and so sad when you were a baby. I never meant to allow that to effect your life in any way. I pray that you wont remember it and have only good memories instead. You deserve the world, my angel. I will spend the rest of my life praying for you, sharing with you, encouraging you, and desperately trying to help you see how much you are loved and appreciated and how much you are worth in Jesus. You are a precious jewel, a diamond, a irreplaceable gem. You are precious, beautiful, and one of my best friends. I love you, sweet girl.

5. To highschool in general, I hated you. I abhorred your existence from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until I laid them to rest at night. The ill-fitting clothes, the messy buns with no make-up, never fitting in socially, barely succeeding with my grades, and just the awkwardness of it all was enough to cry myself to sleep most nights. Apart from the bliss I felt while playing sports, I couldn't get away from you fast enough. I learned a lot from you. I learned that if I just kept my mouth shut, I could slip into the background and not be picked on so much. I learned to hate the way I looked. I learned to be scared of people with confidence. I learned that in order to be happy, I had to have money and popular friends. I learned that my emotions and ideas were automatically invalidated because I was not an adult. I learned a lot of things that I have had to un-learn over the years. The only thing of value that highschool taught me was how to press through when feeling severely outnumbered and overwhelmed. Thank you for that. I now have an idea of what to look out for when my children go to highschool. I have the invaluable experience and testimony for other kids having a rough time in that same dreadful place I was: Highschool ends. You move on and lose a bunch of those friends/bullies. Life gets 100% better because you are in charge of it. Press on, work hard, hold your head up. Highschool is not a picture of real life. Highschool, you were awful and I don't miss you.

6. To College, um, hello again. Let's not talk about this period of my life. I haven't missed you much either. But it wasn't entirely your fault. I'm glad that we were able to shake hands and then move on with our lives. You, educating people all over the world, and me not thinking about you at all. Thanks for the friendships, experiences, and for now being in the past. Let's not stay in touch, okay?

7. My Future babies. Hi there, little darlings. We haven't met yet, but I already love you. I pray for you daily, is that weird? If you think so, prepare yourself for a weird momma because that's not the only odd thing I do. We are going to have grand adventures. I have so much to show you about this world; so much to teach you. Ryot talks about you often. She wants a baby brother one day and a baby sister the next. I think she just wants a best friend, whatever you come out to be. I'm ready for her to have a playmate as well. You are so blessed and cherished, little angels. I am eagerly awaiting your arrival so that I can kiss your sweet cheeks and sing to you how much Jesus loves you. Come soon, please. I miss you very much.

8. To my readers, hello there. Have you stuck out this blog post this far? Well, thank you. Writing brings me immense joy, and I'm so honored that you would take time out of your busy wonderful life to read what I have to say. I wish that I knew the faces behind the little pageview counter that ticks away. I wish we could meet and have coffee and talk face to face, but this computer screen will have to do for now. However stagnant, there is something enticing about being behind this screen though, ya know? It's comfortable, and as I'm writing I'm imagining all of the places that you could be while reading this. Are you at work? Or maybe reheating your coffee for the second time as your kids play around you? Or sitting on a bench at a ballet or karate session? Or maybe you are reading this before bed at night? Or while your little one naps? Whatever it is you are doing, thank you for reading. And most importantly I want you to know that Jesus loves you. You, who is reading this. He created you to be exactly as you are and loves you more than you can imagine. He actually can't possibly love you any more than He does right now. Merit can't earn any more of it, and mistakes can't take any of it away. You are stuck in the torrent of undeserved, overwhelming, freeing love that was bought with the price of a perfect man's life. Jesus died for you. Not to hold it over your head, but to give you hope, power, and unconditional love. That is my message for you. You are chosen and pursued. You are forever loved.

Ten Things

Here are ten things I'm afraid of/ can't stand.

1. I can NOT stand the sound of styrofoam rubbing together or how it feels. I don't like holding styrofoam cups, or eating off of styrofoam plates, especially if I have to cut something on the plate and the knife scrapes across plate. Even typing about it just now is giving me the chills. Gross. Obviously I'm an adult and I'm not going to throw a fit, but if I have the choice, I stay away.

2. While we are on the topic of touch, I hate microfiber or things like it. Same type of texture thing. I don't wear fleece, use microfiber cloths, and will never own the suede or microfiber couches. Gross.

3. Crabs. They can swim, and they will swim up when you can't see them under the water and PINCH YOU.

4. Needles. I hate getting shots or blood drawn. It super stresses me out and I have to really prepare myself for it. I've had my ears pierced and then re-pierced twice because the fact that the needle goes into your skin and completely out the other side really terrifies and disgusts me. Tattoos are not the same thing, people. The needles in a tattoo gun go so fast that you can't feel it prick and slide into your skin like a shot, piercing or IV. Tattoos feel more like scratching than piercing.

5. Clowns. Or really any mask. "People in masks can not be trusted." I stand by that quote.

6. Being scared. No, I'm not afraid of being afraid, but I hate being startled/scared. I'm not the person who laughs after someone jumps from behind the corner to scare me. I'm the person who might fall the floor and cry or hit you out of self-defense and then get mad. I don't like being scared.

7. Pranks. I don't like them at all. I think there is something horrible about people who like to cause someone pain, fear, or discomfort for pleasure. I don't think it's right. I don't laugh. It irritates me. I can't even watch the videos that are a compilation of fails or people hurting themselves. I don't think it's funny. I think it's painful and I hurt for them. I don't like watching the parents giving their kids bad gifts or telling them that they ate their halloween candy. It's not funny, it's just cruel.

8. Roaches. I can handle spiders, snakes, and any other type of reptile. But roaches? No way. They creep me out. They are too fast, too small, too disgusting, and terrifying. And how about the ones that fly? Forget it! I'm screaming like a child and running away. I can't handle it.

9. Being misunderstood. Communication is a huge deal to me. I really always have the best intentions and I hate that I possibly could make people feel uncomfortable, unwanted, or give the wrong impression of how I'm feeling. Sometimes as I'm opening up to my mentors or close peers that I trust, I will wonder if I did an accurate job of portraying how I really feel and the real position that my thoughts and emotions are in. It's way easier to write. I can edit. I can make sure it is saying what I want it to. Are there typos sometimes? Of course, but I at least can control the content that I'm putting out better.

10. Technology advancing too much. I love technology. I love computers and cell phones. I love the convenience of being about to search for the nearest store, get directions immediately, search recipes while I'm at the grocery store, or type in symptoms to try to figure out a sickness, and so much more. I use so much technology on a daily basis. I'm really grateful for those who were smart enough to create what we have today. But then my coworkers start talking about the possibility in the future of being able to genetically modify your children to have certain physical or personality traits and it freaks me out. We are not God. God is the only God. He is the Creator. We don't need to be messing with His designs. There are so many wonderful things that technology has created, but there is a line that I think starting to get crossed on what takes the humanity out of our world. Have you seen iRobot? It doesn't go so well. I guess I'm really just not a big fan of change, and this is a bit too much change for me.

What are you afraid of?

Here I lay my longing

Her tiny hands folded in mine. The way she gently brushes her hair back from her face. Her long eye lashes resting so softly while she sleeps. The way her lips curl around her straw to drink her morning chocolate milk. He perfectly pink lips. The way her eyes light up when she gets excited. Her sweet, sweet voice singing a song. The way she always wants to help. Her fabulous fashion sense. The way she twirls and dances to every song she hears. Her cuddles. The way she prays. Her pitiful pouty lip. The sad way her tears caress her cheeks. 

My heart can't contain the love I have for this tiny miracle of mine. I never tire of studying her. She is so precious. So cherished. So loved. And she has no idea the depth of that love. I loved her before she even came to be. Now that she is mine that love is multiplied into a breathtaking battle of heartbreak and overflowing joy. Heartbreak as I fail so often and overflowing joy at the gift that I have received so undeserved. Yet I call her mine. What is this blessed life I live?

The future is so unpredictable and the present is not easily tamed, so how can I be sad for something that may still come to be? I can't explain it, but I feel a sadness in my bones. The longing of life to grow in me again. The deep-seeded desire to nurture another miracle never goes away. Ever since I can remember, this love for my babies was instilled in me. It's an uncontrollable fiery love of sorts. It's like trying to frame a puzzle with a very important piece missing. It's not a core of who I am or my identity, but it is a piece of me that can not be separated.

I wrestle with myself every moment of every day. It can't be an ungratefulness for the life I have already been given because I am undoubtedly in love with my little girl. She will always be my baby, my first. We share a story that no other child will; a story of survival and great redemption. My heart just longs for more. I know there is another child for our family. I can't imagine having these desires for the sake of being disappointed. 

There are so many people around me giving life in this way. Those close to me, and those I barely know are making announcements left and right. I am beyond excited for them, however, accompanied with each announcement and update, I can't help but feel a twinge of longing. 

Through the longing and the rejoicing, I will still say that God is good.

Through the unknowing, I will still rejoice. 

Through the irritation at what seems like a broken vessel, I will trust that God's timing is perfect. 

The world says that I'm defective. They wrap up my symptoms in a little box and label me PCOS.

But the word, the truth and the Life says that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. My Father says that there is no flaw in me. 

Giving up stems from failure, and produces grief and bitterness.

Submission stems from trust, and produces peace and joy.

So I will trust His timing and lay my longing at His feet, however much it hurts.

Waiting Here

I'm waiting in the steadfast. I'm giving my wants to my Savior because there is nothing I need more than just to be, to exist in this place of surrender. With a deep breath, I inhale this air that is freely given to me. My lungs exhale without command and as often unbeknownst to me I have blinked my eyes at least twice during that exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide. This body working in perfect function, this temple masterfully designed, purposed for none other than me.

Other living, breathing, carefully crafted beings passing me in daily conversation and happenings as part of a puzzle waiting for us to solve. A couple pieces are in my pocket, but where do they go? If I listen closely, I will hear Him. Right now as I sit in His presence surrounded by the noise of the world, I cherish this silence within the madness, this joy within the chaos, calm within the storm, laughter within the deep sorrow of longing and loss.

Hope brings light.
Rest brings rejuvenation.

My expectation of great power can not be suppressed.
I will not be moved.

Not Aimless

I don't feel like I thought I would feel at 25. Is that ever the case with age?

Maybe it's because the crowd that I hang out with has been older than me for the majority of my life. Or maybe it's because the life that I have now was never in my imagination. It's perfectly beautiful, and I have no regrets, but it's just a strange feeling to be somewhere that you didn't expect to be.

I read some of my blogging friend's short bio paragraphs this morning. It was amazing to see all that they have accomplished. Publishers, experts in this or that, parents, entrepreneurs, professionals, and activists among other things. These aren't celebrities, but real people I know. Some of my friends are pediatricians, finishing up med school, teachers, police officers, soldiers, scientists, musicians, coaches, photographers, reality developers, publishers, nurses, painters, dentists, real estate agents, Pastors, Young Life directors, and so much more. Two people on my friends lists are preparing for or have already completed their Tedx Talks right now. That just seems crazy to me.

In full disclosure, I sparingly have moments that I am envious of title or life stage. My deep desire to stay home with Sweetness instead of being a full time mom can sometimes breed irritation when I see SAHM's complaining about going stir crazy. However, I imagine that those same mom's get weary of the monotony of the walls of their homes. I'm a mom. I know that exhaustion. Sweetness woke me up at 3:45 yesterday morning and dozed off and on until we finally got out of her little twin bed at 5:00am. Then I had to work all day, not wearing yoga pants in the comfort of my own home. Believe me, I know exhaustion.

My only resolution that I made in January was to live life more fully. So many great and wonderful things happened last year. Milestones were made, and incredible redemption was brought to Sweet's and my story in the most incredible ways. I loved 2014. I just want to love 2015 more. There are some practical things that I want to accomplish this year, like go on our trip to the DR, move into a house, add a fur baby and possibly a sibling for Sweetness to our family, but mostly I just want to remember everything. I want to be present, make memories, and leave a legacy. I want to be intentional in my relationships as well as my rest.

Some would say that the options are limitless of the things I can do...actually, it sounds like something I would tell someone else. So why don't I believe it for myself? I can do anything, right? I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. So what do I want? What do I want to add to my bio?

I can't answer that right now. There are a few ideas that pop in my head that need sorting through first. But there is also a lot of blank space that I haven't allowed myself to dream and fill. A blank space with no instruction makes me nervous, but I know it doesn't need to. So that is exactly what I will be working on.

Everyday is a step towards something and I refuse to walk aimlessly.

Let's do this.

It's time to do this.
To be serious.
To make it happen.
It's no longer time to wish, want, or think about it.
It's time to accomplish.
Success is on the horizon.
The finish line is nearing.
The course is paved and ready for the blood, sweat, and tears of determination.
So what do you do?
What do I do?
What do I want to do?
Who do I want to be?
That's the place to start.
You have to figure out where you are going before you can get there.
Let's do this.

This is overwhelmingly perfect

How is it that The Undoing by Steffany Gretzinger continues to undo me no matter how many times I listed to it? It's a direct connection to an intimate conversation that I couldn't share completely even if I tried. My tongue is slightly tied, my mind is racing, and my heart is overwhelmed with love and an abundance of grace. What do I do with this grace? I don't deserve it. I am filthy and He is perfect. I am flawed and He is stained glass that shines beauty despite what the world has tried to make of Him. He never grows weary or looks on me with distaste. How is this so? My mind can't comprehend that kind of unconditional love.

I will never grow weary of this love. So many times I have been in a position where I can't bear any more and simultaneously can't possibly have enough. It's a mystery of beautiful disasters colliding with perfection overflowing.

So today I am resting. I can't fathom this gift. I can't possibly give back enough. I couldn't possibly be happier and more broken at the same time. God is good, all the time.

Come out of hiding
You're safe here with Me
There's no need to cover
What I already see

You've got your reasons
But I hold your peace
You've been on lockdown
And I hold the key

'Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave

Now rid of the shackles, My victory's yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You're not far from home

I'll be your lighthouse
When you're lost at sea
And I will illuminate
Everything

No need to be frightened
By intimacy
No, just throw off your fear
And come running to me.

'Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave

Now rid of the shackles, My victory's yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You're not far from home
Keep on coming

And oh as you run
What hindered love
Will only become
Part of the story
Baby, you're almost home now
Please don't quit now
You're almost home to Me