Expectations Unwrapped

Conflict arises when expectations are not met.

You ask your child to clean their room. They do not do as they are asked. You get frustrated.
This is an example that all parents understand. It's not just with cleaning rooms, but multiple issues. Just in the past couple days I have had several odd requests come out of my mouth towards the sweetness:

"Don't take your diaper off."
"Don't eat the stickers."
"Don't put your sandwich in the VCR."

Now my VCR is broken. I had the expectation that she wouldn't fathom putting a sandwich in the VCR. But hey, why not?

Or it might make more sense to think about it from the perspective of your job. Your boss gets frustrated that something isn't done, or isn't done correctly. They had expectations that were not met. Often times, those expectations were not communicated with the employee properly so they couldn't possibly have been met.

Personally, I think this is best shown in the example of marriage. Husband comes home from work expecting that he will get to relax and enjoy what he has worked hard for. Wife greets husband at the door expecting that she will have some help with the kids and maybe an adult conversation. Everyone has expectations of some sort. Sometimes they are met, sometimes they are avoided - intentionally or unintentionally.

Unintended expectations are all too often given the same responses as intended expectations which is obviously unfair. I am no doctor. I haven't done extensive research or taken polls on the human psychy or behavioral patterns. All I have are my own interpretations of this life and its happenings. It's my understanding that unintended expectations are part of the subconscious make-up. Can this make-up be altered or changed for the better? Yes, but it can't just be erased and re-written in two seconds. I think it would need to be conditioned, molded, and slowly refined to change. Sometimes a good motivation is needed (i.e. working out for the wedding night, saving money to buy a car, cleaning your house for a special guest arrival)

Think about the things that you do automatically. I put the toilet paper to roll over not under. When I clasp my hands so that my fingers interlock, my right thumb is on top. When I cross my arms over my chest, my left arm is on top. When I cross my legs, my left leg crosses over my right. I write with my right hand. This is natural for me. If I was forced to write with my left hand, I could learn to make that my natural routine. However, I wouldn't just decide to change to writing left-handed the next time I picked up a pen because it isn't natural. Unintended expectations work similarly to those small things.

One personal example of an unintended expectation would be my toilet seat. For most of my life I grew up in a house full of girls. I never had to worry about the toilet seat being up because my uncle was the only man in the house full of seven other woman. I'm sure that someone who grew up in a house full of boys wouldn't have the same type of hard-fastened expectation. Does it bother me when the toilet seat is up? Not at all, but it seems odd and definitely out of the ordinary for me. The way I see it, either I have to put it down or he has to put it up, so why does it have to be him all the time who moves the seat? If the seat is up, put it down. Easy, peasy, apple squeezy.

This is why being equally yolked with your husband/wife is so important. (I'm referencing untiended expectations not the toilet seat) As a Christian, raised in the church for the majority of my life, and as an avid lover of Jesus I have an unintended (and intended, but we'll get to that in a moment) expectation that not only will my family go to church on Sunday, but my children will be raised with God as the center of my home. As I have already experienced, this is a problem when you are married to someone who doesn't believe the same as you. I don't encourage you not to marry an unbeliever just because I said so, but because it will save you so much heart-ache in the end. I know, I know. I sound like a mom. But please, I beg you from my personal experience. Find someone who loves Jesus. It is so much better than anything you could have imagined. (And I'm speaking from experience here as well, with a huge cheesy grin on my face)

Intended expectations are a lot easier to change. I have found that the biggest problem with intended expectations not being met is that they aren't communicated effectively. Seems simple, right? It really is. But then again, I think that all problems have either a solution or a compromise that can be achieved agreeably with efficient communication. Intended expectations are asking your child to pick up their shoes, and you expect that they will be obedient. It is my experience that to receive the results that you desire in home, work, friendships, children, peers, or anyone else in a communicating relationship with you, there are three things that need to be communicated in your intended expectation: what, how and when.

First, what do you want to happen? You want a clean home. You want a report from an employee. You want a raise from your boss. You want a specific gift for your anniversary. You want to develop a relationship with someone. You want your husband to fix the gutter. You want your wife organize a dinner for your boss. The "what" of the intended expectation needs to be direct. It is very rare that when a person says "I don't care" that they really don't care. Don't be indecisive with what you want unless you don't really care. An indecisive "what" could produce a "what?!" response when you get a personal trainer coach ringing your doorbell instead of a coach purse in a pretty wrapped box.

Second, how do you want things done? Do you like surprises? Is your idea of a clean room a pathway from the bed to the door, out of sight out of mind, or neatly color-coordinated, labeled and organized? Were you thinking your husband should hire someone to fix the gutters since he almost broke his back last year? Did you want your wife to cook a specific meal that your boss loves or avoid something that your boss' wife is allergic to? Yes, it seems tedious, but if you want specific results, you have to make specific requests. Contrary to popular belief, people are not mind-readers.

Third, when did you expect this to be completed by? This is usually partly intended and partly unintended. If your first child was quick to do as asked, you may have an unintended expectation that the second child will be the same. If it is something that is important to you, then the 'when' is absolutely necessary to be communicated. Assuming the other person will complete the task when you want them to without it being verbally or visibly communicated with them is like asking them to guess a number between 1 and 3000. They might get it right, but the odds are not in their favor. In fact, you are inadvertently setting them up for failure. You have to actually tell your husband that you want the gutter fixed before the weekend because it's going to rain. You have to request in the email that your employee have the report to you before 3pm so that you can review it before you leave work. Again, people are not mind-readers. Set reasonable expected times of completion and give the other person the option to exceed those expectations instead of just meeting them.

Instead of asking your employee for the report, you should format your question like this:
"Employee Name (address them specifically- lets them feel valued and knows it is directly for them), can you please send me the aging report in excel format by 3pm?"

Instead of asking your child to clean up, you should be more specific:
"Sweetness, before you go outside can you please pick up your books and put them on the shelf?"

Instead of asking your wife to invite your boss and his wife over for dinner, the request could go something like this:
"Honey, I would like to invite Boss and BossWife over for dinner next Tuesday. His wife is allergic to shellfish so I really think they would enjoy your Shepherd's Pie."

Reading and re-reading over this makes it seem so simple to me, yet there are so many conflicts that arise from unmet expectations! Sometimes just taking that extra step of effort to communicate specifically is really all it takes. This simple act is the difference between your child feeling bad about not meeting your expectations and being able to rejoice with them when they obey happily. It is the difference between your husband feeling respected or ignored or your wife feeling loved or neglected. It is the difference between your employee feeling productive or stressing for your approval. You might not think it is important but the person on the receiving end will most likely feel more at ease.

One small difference in the wording of your request can change your unmet expectations into easy, comfortable encounters with positive results for all involved.

I don't know how you didn't see that

My heart is as heavy as it is thankful today. Look at this sweet face. Her sweet cheeks that still have a little baby pudge to them. Her beautiful long lashes. Her hair resting softly against her face. Her perfect little lips. She is so peaceful, so precious.

I love her exactly as she is. Not for who she can be, or what she can do for me, but just because she is who she is. And she is MINE. In fact, I don't know who she is going to be and she is probably the most selfish she is ever going to be at this wonderful age of two. I don't love her because she is good all the time because she has her interesting moments every day. I love her because she is mine. I have loved her from the first time I heard that little pitter patter of a heart beat.

The thought of not having her is devastating. I can't fathom the devastating mental state of a person who would take their life after having 8, 13 or 15 years with their child(ren). Is parenting easy? No. Does it take every ounce of patience and sleep? Yes, and then it takes more from you that you didn't even know you had. Parenting can be embarrassing, exhausting, but even more exhilarating than you ever thought possible.

Mom, I miss you. Do I miss you? Or maybe I just miss the thought of you? Maybe I miss the possibility of what could have been. What would Ryot have called you? Grandma? Gigi? I don't know. I know that if you were still alive, life would have been very different for all of us. I can't help but think that Ryot was meant to be my little girl either way.

Since things happened in the way that they did, I can only hope that I can learn, grow and come out better than I would before. I'm going to be there for my little girl as best as I can. I am going to nurture and love her. I'm going to try to lead her to Jesus so that when I do fail her through her life, she can hold on to His hand. The hand of her Creator and Sustainer who will never leave her or let her down.

I miss you and you're missing out on something really beautiful.
I don't know how you didn't see that.

Ask

God is patient.
God really is patient.
Are you listening?
God is patient.
Not my version of patient where I clench my jaw, force a fake smile, take a deep breath so I can respond to the 28th time that the sweetness has whined "mmmoooommmyyyy I want cake."
He says "Come to me. Ask me again. I will reassure you. Come to me. I will empower you. I am here for you. Ask me again. Come to me."

So I will continue to ask, continue to believe that I deserve what I'm asking for. I will continue this journey, one step in front of the other. I have not 'arrived'. I am not 'there' yet. And wherever I think 'there' is, when I get 'there', more and more will be revealed that I'm not 'there' yet. I can lightly use the cheesy saying that life is about the journey, not the destination, but the truth behind that statement is life-altering if I let it be.

I'm joking, but seriously

It's simple, really. A funny statement with huge implications. That happens often, doesn't it? A thought formed into a sentence and as everyone laughs I can't help notice a churning of the Spirit, a shifting in the foundation.

In the midst of a joke, a funny statement, a comical jab, and through a text message of all things he typed,

"You're forgiven."

Then HE said, "Did you hear that? YOU ARE FORGIVEN"

In that moment it was as if time stood still, all life suspended in its perfect balance. Quiet enough that I could hear my own breathing. His Spirit intertwined with mine, breathing in and out in sync.

You are forgiven.

I don't have to ask repeatedly. I am forgiven. Period. Then just like that, the play button is jammed and the bustle of noise resumes. Snap back to reality. I'm driving. Where am I going? Work. Yes, my job. I have to work. A slight smile curls on my lips as I pull into the parking lot.

It's a lot easier to fight the war when you know that in the end, you win.

Answer in Delight

Empty hands held high does not mean I have nothing good to offer. I lift my empty hands because there is nothing that I could give that would produce more love or more acceptance. I am loved as I am, where I am for who I am. I lift my empty hands not because God needs my praise but because He deserves my praise. He deserves it for all he has done, is doing and will do, for who He was, who He is and who He will continue to be. At least that is what I hope my intentions are. Sometimes the reality is that I lift my empty hands because I need His presence. I need Jesus all the time, but it should not be the sole motivating factor of worship. Of course this crazy life can be tough. There are several terrible things that happen in the world that make it such a wretched place sometimes. Then there are days where nothing bad really happened, but for some reason an exhaustion takes over making your heart as heavy as your eye lids. 

But this is not my home.

My motivation should be entering His presence. Period. Not entering his presence to be filled or rejuvenated. Not entering His presence to get something from Him. Just merely entering His presence and sitting at His feet because He loves me and I love Him. Then through this sitting and delighting in each other, I will be filled and He will be glorified. 

There is nothing wrong with asking God for help, joy, mercy, peace, strength, relief, insight, love, forgiveness, in fact it's expected and encouraged! But my motivating prod to speak to God should not be my agenda, my feelings, my desires. It should be spending time with my Creator who loves and cherishes me. He deserves all of the praise just for being who He is and the incredible sacrifice that was made for me on the cross. 

You see, the remedy is hidden in the problem itself. I can go to God with a problem and ask him for a specific answer and I just might receive exactly what I ask for. It's easy for me to see a problem, analyze it, over-analyze it, plan how to overcome it, over-over-analyze it some more, then take it to God with what I think I need. But going to God with these things does not show a trust in His goodness and sovereignty nor does it accept His unconditional, untameable, passionate love for me. If I accept that God loves me unashamedly exactly as I am, then I don't have to take Him my honey-do list. I can so simply and so wonderfully submit my will to His glory and He will provide answers that are far greater than I ever could have asked for myself. 

The answer is not found in the scheming and planning, but in the waiting and listening.

God, you know and love my heart for exactly who I am. This is not something I understand, but something that I crave to believe more and more. Increase in me an awareness to your agenda, a listening ear for your voice and continue to fine tune my heart with your Spirit. Use me.

Pressing on

It's crazy to me how there are so many things in my life right now on the same page. This page of change. This page of morphing into something better, something greater. I know what needs to be done. I am equipped. In most instances, it is deciding what must go and what must stay. Old memories, old pictures, old reminders of a time no longer existent. In other instances, it is intentionally pushing through the change with an eager and joyful spirit. Changes in diet, mindset on a specific topic or pruning my relationships of bad fruit. Only a few of the changes are at a stand still. I just need to find the dedication and focus to get it done. I know I can do it. I know that God will give me the grace for the steps I need to take.

There is a fine line between being the Proverbial Wife and compulsively obsessing over perfection. That line goes right to the heart of the issue. You won't be able to tell by looking at my home or my child or my bank account. You can only see and understand a small extent of my heart by getting to know me. Even then God is the only one who can fully see and attest to the desires of my heart. I desire to rise before the sun and provide food for my household.(Proverbs 31:15) That is a good desire if it is based in striving for obedience and glorifying God. If that desire is based in wanting to be called blessed by my daughter or future children/husband, it is wrong. If it is not based in a love for God and who he would have me be, then my motives are wrong. Becoming the perfect Proverbial woman will not make God love me more. It will not make my daughter or future children/husband love me more. Sure, they will appreciate the things that I do just as anyone would. But for King and Country says it best, "So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love".

So for now, I will "press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14

It's about the journey, not the destination.
Maybe Relient K says it best?

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
There's only one thing left to do.
Drop all I have and go with you.

[Chorus:]
Somewhere back there I left my worries all behind.
My problems fell out of the back of my mind.
We're going and I'm never knowing (never knowing) where we're going.
To go back to where I was would just be wrong.
I'm pressing on.
Pressing on, all my distress is going, going, gone. (pressing on, pressing on)
And I won't sit back, and take this anymore.
'Cause I'm done with that, I've got one foot out the door.
And to go back where I was would just be wrong
I'm pressing on.

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Adversity, we get around it.
Searched for joy, in you I found it.

You look down on me, but you don't look down on me at all.
You smile and laugh, and I feel the love you have for me.
I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here, and we're gonna make it after all.

 

 

Bested by 10am

"Are you understanding what I'm saying?"
"Yes, but I-"
"I can explain it a hundred more times if you'd like."
"No, that's not necessa-"
"The back order column will show the back orders because you see how it's labeled BACK ORDER?"
"Yes, I understand how the invoice works. The problem wasn't-"
"Ok well then I don't understand what the problem is?"
"I just wanted to touch base with you about the-"
"Well you can just email me next time. I'm busy actually doing work instead of bugging people."
"I didn't mean to bother you, I apologize. I was told-"
"Well thank you for wasting my time."
CLICK

Well then. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I wasn't even calling about back orders? I didn't get the question I really needed answered. My boss still needs an answer from me. As soon as I put the phone back on the hook, an employee walks in clearly irate:

"You need to fix this now."
"Good Morning -employee name-, how are you doing today?"
"Well not good."
"Ok, how can I help you?"
"I said already you need to fix this now or I don't know what I'm gonna do"
"Well first, calm down. I can help you. What is the problem?"
"You took money out of my account."
"That's not legal or possible, so now, how can I help you?"
"Money is missing from my check. See here!?"
"Well, that's tax. Everyone has to pay that."
"Well that's too much! And what is this?!"
"That's child support."
*Instantly calms down*
"Oh well then, ya know I was just wondering. Ya know, to make sure that, um, everything was right. Thank you for your help today, miss kayla."
"You're welcome."

Big sigh of relief. Golly, what in the world is wrong with people today?
Coworker walks in as employee is walking out:

"I need the PO's and the Sales Orders to go with the trailer order."
"Wait, what?"
"Pay attention. Are you listening now? I need you to do this for me real quick."
"Ok, what PO do you want."
"The one with the order I placed yesterday."
"I have a stack of PO's and sales orders here and I have no idea what you did yesterday. Can you be a little more specific?"
"I will just do it myself."
And they storm out.

Ok 10am, you've bested me with your emotional wit. You win this round. I still have 7 more hours to make this a great day.

Either way, God is good, people need Jesus and I need patience!

Every Breath

Maybe it's because my mom is gone.
Maybe it's because I don't know if she wanted to be a Grandma, Gigi or Nana.
Maybe I was motivated at first by fear.
Maybe I was anxious and dwelled on the big "What if?".
Maybe I felt too surrounded by failure.
Maybe I tried to hard to be something I wasn't.
Maybe losing a parent so young is just too hard to handle.

If I have learned anything in my life, it is literally to never take a moment for granted. It is one thing to watch a heart-wrenching 3 minute interview where a woman cries over her last words to a loved one being said in anger. You might be touched. You might even cry. Eventually you move on your way without ever realizing the devastation of those moments.

I hope you never have to sink your teeth in that despair.

Unfortunately, the world isn't so kind.

I have been to the point of wondering why life was even worth it.
I went through hating everything and everyone.
I chased after dreams and people that were not good for me.
I held on to pain and bitterness that destroyed my self-esteem.

There is a point in my life where I sunk lower than I feel is humanly possible. Tears pouring from my swollen eyes, head pounding, face to the floor, unable to move, to think, to breathe with pain so deep to my core that I cried out

WHAT IS THE POINT?!
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?!
I'LL DO ANYTHING!

If you get to that point, you are not alone. Sure your story might be a little worse or different than others, but you are not the only person who has ever felt that way. But when you get to that point, there is the opportunity for something wonderful to happen. You get to that point and think that there is nothing else you can do, no more pain that you can feel, no more hope. I understand. I've been in that place.

But...

In Genesis 50:20, Joseph tells his brothers "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today."

And this is not just "man". This is Joseph's own brothers, his blood! These are people he trusted. What they intended for evil, God can restore for good. This is not just some verse I'm quoting and trying to twist a life lesson out of. This is personal experience of being face down on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling completely desperate and hopeless. But God picked me up off the floor. He wiped the tears from my eyes. He lifted that weight off my shoulders. He rekindled the fire that had almost burned out. He breathed new life into my frail bones and taught me how to breathe again. With Him, through Him. In and out focusing on His grace. In and out feeling His presence. In and out basking in the light of His salvation freely offered to me. In and out deep breaths of life and joy and love. Not a joy that replaced the old but a newness never seen or heard before. A complete fulfillment never before experienced and nearly impossible to explain. There aren't enough colors to paint the picture or notes to sing His praise.

Now each day is new and different. Each moment is His. Each thought is held captive and passed through a new form of thinking. Every breath, in and out, is breathing new life, new fire, fresh air, pure love.

It can seem overwhelming to think about giving your whole life to God. But what about one breath. Then the next one. Then the next one. What about one hour? One day? Pretty soon a want turns into a desire which turns into a passion which turns into a craving. A craving that produces a smile and a touch and a voice. A voice that comforts and sings and loves. Love that reaches out and picks up a desperate girl off of the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling completely desperate and hopeless and shows her how to take one breath. And with every breath we drew was Hallelujah.

What are you waiting for?

Morpheus: What are you waiting for? You're faster than this. Don't think you are, know you are. Come on. Stop trying to hit me and hit me.

I have been staring at this quote for over 3 hours now without being able to capture my thoughts. What am I waiting for? That is a multi-faceted question. This question asked to the high school version of me would have been promptly answered with a fiery passion. I probably would have felt instantly inspired and shared Jesus with the next person that walked past me. A passion like the top flame of a bonfire that's beautiful, yet unpredictably wild.

This question can't only asked once to me now, but needs to be repeated in every situation. The more I tune my desires through His channel, the more intricate this question really gets. Instead of viewing life through a wide angle lens, I am focusing my eyes through a microscope examining each possibility. Each molecule that makes up a person or decision. It's the difference between what you know and what you believe. I know that I am cherished and chosen because I read it in the Bible and because HE says so. To know, to keep that information locked in the brain is ineffective. To take it a step further to reinforce those thoughts with belief is where the magic happens.

It's a constant battle to fight the old ways and thoughts. It's a deep burning, a longing. It's the coals of the fire glowing a brilliant blue, stable and constant. The deepest burn, the toughest to put out, the strongest and mostly unseen warriors. It's far greater than mere knowledge. It is identity. It is an essential core makeup of purpose. It is realizing that you have what it takes. That burning, that desire for purpose, that calling that's deep in you for more, so much more.

What are you waiting for? You are more equipped than this. You have more reason to live than this. Don't merely think you are cherished and chosen for a greater purpose, know you are. Know who you are. Know whose you are. Come on. Stop trying to earn forgiveness and just accept the gift I have already given you. Stop trying to pay the price I have already taken care of. Stop asking for joy and surrounding yourself with things that take your focus off me. Stop asking for courage but refusing to put on the armor I'm giving you. Stop sounding the battle cry and not using your sword. Stop trying to belong in this world and instead live for something greater.

I'm purple

Its an intricate thing, this life. This life full of health and heartache, love and loss, battles and bitterness. As I'm getting breakfast ready my nephew pipes up with his inquisitive voice 'Aunt Kayla, what makes purple?' I smile and respond, 'Red and-' With a big smile on his face he chimes in 'Blue! I knew that!'

For some reason this has stuck with me going on the second day. What makes purple? Who thought to mix those two colors  together? Was it an accident? Was the inventor scolded for being different the first time purple was discovered? Maybe the inventor was intentional in his art and had put thought, effort and planning into creating something new. I wonder if the inventor liked the color when they saw it. Some may ask, 'what does it matter if he liked it?' But I think joy is an essential part of daily life. I would like to think they discovered purple and smiled at its brilliance. Something new, daring and different. Maybe they did embrace the change. Maybe. 

I don't embrace change very well on my own. This is intense to the point that I usually order only my 'usuals' from specific restaurants. I have a schedule and a plan. I enjoy being organized and knowing what's coming next. I was wondering if the purple artist was just like me; wanting stability and craving dependable circumstances, people, places, things, etc. Maybe the artist was tired and accidentally dropped them causing them to mix together. 

It's a crazy thing to actually get what you ask for in prayer when you previously believed prayer was more of a formality than a conversation. Before, this thought would have turned into me wondering what opportunities I had missed but now I can have this thought and thank Hm for all the crazy I scheduled things/people he has brought in my life. He is good even when we don't realize the inner workings of his plan. He is good, all the time. 

I wonder what color I am today. Am I stuck being purple or will I allow him to mold me into a color never seen before?

I believe it can be done. 

I'm ready to be mixed, molded and mashed into something new and beautiful. 

System Override

The more the 'yes' rises in my soul the more confidence I have to say 'no'. I don't have the problem of saying no too often. I tens lean more towards human doormat type. I have the problem of accepting lies to be truth and then forgiving way too easily. An example of this is feeling so cut down by others words. Who's opinion matters? Some person who has their own set of messy stories in their messy past from their messy relationships? Or a pure and blameless God who loves me unconditionally? I see the progress just over the last few months. I see major progress. But it's not enough. I want to be sold out to Jesus. Not one foot in this world but completely locking eyes with him while walking on the water. 

'Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the water

Wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger 

in the presence of my Savior'

Yes, thank you Hillsong United for singing my heart's desire. Take me deeper than my brain could tell my feet to wander. 

Override my worldly ties. 

Override what's normal. 

Override what's expected. 

Override the limitations of this world.

I want to walk on water. 

Hopeful romantic

I'll miss you, kiss you

Give you my coat when you are cold,

need you, feed you

Even let you hold the remote control.

I can't help but love this part of the movie The Wedding Singer. He writes the song just for her, based on something that she had told him earlier. That's ridiculous that any guy would even pay attention. Im a sucker for good  endings. I'm a hopeful romantic. 

I got to really worship God this evening while I was driving home, and finished off the night with a happy romance. Going to bed with a smile!

Not a bother

This morning I was listening to a sermon "A Call to Pray" by Matt Chandler which can be found here at the Resources at the Village Church. Really, you should just go listen or read it.

I have been focusing on my prayer life recently. Instead of being the "I'll pray for you" girl, I wanted to really be someone who not only intercedes for her friends, but is so deeply engulfed in communion with God that we share the same heart. I want to pray His will. I want to pray and not just request, but 100% believe that it will be as I ask. My faith and belief are both so easy to waiver. I so often feel like David praising God for His faithfulness one second and crying out for Him to not forsake me in the next. I know that as long as I am on this earth I won't be perfect, but that won't keep me from striving.

One thing Matt said is that God is not bothered by me. This struck a huge chord in my heart. When I look in the mirror or seriously examine myself, it is so easy to see where I fall short. I see my flaws and my shortcomings. I have those moments when I think that I can't ask him for anything else because I have been "bothering" him all week/month. I am needy. I need Him. I need to need Him. I was CREATED this way. This is not a flaw but a staple of who I am. I need Jesus. He is life. Period. This is not going to change.

Luke 18:1-8
Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’ “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’” And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

God is not like the unjust judge who is bothered by some beggars. God is loving and gracious and cares about my fragile heart and over analytical mind. I am invited. I'm not merely tolerated. I am invited to be in His presence. I am invited to worship Him. I am invited to "bug" Him with my heart, my hopes, my despair. I am invited. YOU are invited. You are invited whether you know Him or not. He knows you. He loves you.

I am not a bother. I am a blessing.

Subtle pain

Earlier today I was grabbing something in my car and pulling tightly. My hand slipped, sending it smashing into the door frame. And not just knuckle hitting the metal siding but that soft vulnerable spot in between the knuckle and proximal phalanx (thanks Google). 

Throughout my day, when I wasn't using my hand and when I was, I felt the twinge of pain very subtly. Sometimes the pain was sharper than others, but never unbearable. Most of the time I didn't even think about it. 

My finger still hurts. 

But I'm not only talking about my finger. 

Pain, of any sort doesn't have to linger when you know the Ultimate Healer. 

Imperishable Beauty

1 Peter 3:1-6 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 

I haven't been able to get this passage out of my mind today. When I look in the mirror, it's more probable for me to think 'I need to lose weight' or 'i need to put makeup on' instead of 'I need to work on having a more gentle and quiet spirit'. Daily I need to reminded of what God sees when he looks at me.

The more I fall in love with Him,

The more our hearts are in sync, 

The more I love myself,

The more I love His people. 

I have plenty of opportunities to display a gentle and quiet spirit. I want to be the woman that my purity and respect of character is as evident as my name. 

Imperishable beauty...everyone is looking for it in the wrong place. 

5 Min Fridays! What if

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

I should be sleeping already but I wanted to finish watching Halloween. This story always makes me sad and further pushes my compassion towards the kids and families in horrible home lives. I wonder how Michael Meyers's life would have been different if he had a set of loving, Godly, genuine parents, or if it would have been different at all. There certainly is a burden in my heart either way. 

There are too many children without loving parents and stable homes. In a sane, loving and logical society this should NOT mean to just abort the baby. It should mean adults need to be responsible and stop punishing children for their mistakes! 

I have to go to bed before I get on a roll and get myself in trouble. :) 

Good night!