Bigger picture

I'm eating celery. Its green and nasty so it must be good for me, right? At least that's what I was thinking. So I set out on a mission...well not really. I pulled up Google on my phone. I searched 'health benefits of celery'. The first thing I read is that its 95% water. That was enough for me! Aha! I don't have to eat this nasty stuff! I can just drink a glass of 100% water which is refreshing and delicious instead of eating this nastiness. But then I kept reading. It contains a ton of fiber and this article's author was so sold on celery that he said it should be a staple part of your daily diet. So I'm eating a little peanut butter with it to help choke it down.

In Mark 9:14-29 there was a boy who was possessed with demons. The disciples were not successful casting the demons out of the boy and the father of the boy was getting desperate and upset. The father asked Jesus 'if' he could heal his son and Jesus replied that He is able to do anything if he would have faith. The father cried out to Jesus saying 'I do believe! Help me with my unbelief!'.

I googled celery to disprove its benefits but found out that it is super good for you.
The father prayed for the demons to come out of his son but Jesus tended not to just his son but to him and his unbelieving heart.

I wonder what else I'm doing/questions I'm askingfor hat just completely miss the picture.

Battle Dreams

Crisp morning air, cold enough to see my breath. The humidity wrapped around us like a blanket. The air still, the salty taste of sweat and blood is all I can smell. So strong I can taste it. Even though the clouds are among us, I can see for miles ahead. Kneeling down for rest, I feel the ground wet from the previous night's rain.

I hear the horns ring out and the screaming of the enemy preparing for another attack. I close my eyes and take a deep breath only focusing on filling my lungs with oxygen.

I hear the horns again. The ground rumbles and shakes. The battle lines have been drawn. The fight must continue.

The horns ring out once more. I stand to my feet. I look at the soldiers standing with me, behind me, in front of me all prepared for what is ahead.

Another morning of battle.
Another chance for progress.
We are prepared and willing to sacrifice our lives.

I wait patiently for my signal.

I wake up. Turn off my alarm.
Another morning of battle.
Another chance for progress.
Are we prepared and willing to sacrifice our lives?

Victory in Progress

I had an interesting conversation today.

Man: I think I would enjoy taking you out.
Me: Oh, ummm.
Man: Yes. I think I would. Not because of what you look like on the outside. *shaking his head vigorously* Not really my type. But I think you are beautiful on the inside.
Me: Oh wow....Ummm....no thank you. *Walk away quickly*

Yesterday, Graham Cooke said this on his FB page:
"Every single issue in your life is a possibility for something wonderful to occur. Everything in your life is designed for your upgrade. Everything the enemy does, Jesus can joyfully overturn. We are the people who are following that perspective." (From The Art of Thinking Brilliantly)

I am confident that the only reason I am not phased by this conversation earlier is because I read that two days ago. I know it sounds strange, but I think it's funny. I feel kinda bad for the guy and I walked away quickly to attempt to lessen his embarrassment from rejection.

A couple weeks ago, this man would have really hurt my feelings. Today, I feel nothing.
What an liberating accomplishment this is for me!

Let me just repeat this- "Everything in your life is designed for your upgrade." What a crazy amazing truth that is!

On Sunday, my Pastor asked us a very important question, that just so happens to go along with what I have been lead to reading in my Bible, which just so happens to go along with my conversations with friends, which just so happens to go along with the book by Kris Vallotton and Bill Johnson that I'm reading....a lot of 'coincidence' means it's NOT a 'coincidence', by the way. ;)

The question in all of these different areas of my life basically boils down to this....What if we lived like we really believed His promises were true? Well today I got a taste of this freedom.

I didn't have to reassure myself or pick myself up. It just really didn't phase me. ha! And all I can do it laugh because God is so good. Another thing my Pastor said was this truth that has CHANGED. MY. LIFE. (side note- I love my wise, God-fearing Pastor and I'm so thankful for his humble, honest, Spirit-led heart!)

"God is always consistent in his character but unpredictable in His behavior." -Fred Nelson

We have to be in love with WHO God is, not WHAT God does.
This could have been a heart breaking conversation in WalMart. I could have left in tears thinking that it was just another man in my life that didn't want me. But those thoughts never even crossed my mind. I was laughing to myself as I left WalMart, pleased and affirmed that He saw goodness in me.

I do not write this to toot my own horn of how great I responded. I write this to record a victory.
A victory over self-doubt and self-conscious thoughts and behaviors that have ruled over my life.
A record of the goodness of God. A written THANK YOU to God for protecting my heart, validating my soul and filling me to overflow so there are no voids.

Victory is not only accomplished in outcome. Victory is accomplished in progress. I will never be perfect, but this was a huge victory for me. Not done by me, but by Him through me.

THAT is exciting.

Nostalgia

I don't know what he was saying. Asking me a question, maybe? I'm not sure but I could hear his voice. He laughed. Oh, how I miss hearing him laugh. Was I supposed to laugh? I don't know. I don't know what he just said. Silence. Wait, come back. Just say another word. Another sentence. Please. I hear him say "hello" and I respond telling him that I am there. I mutter a lie that the phone has bad connection when really its just a bad connection in my brain. Flashbacks. Flashbacks to him wearing his brown leather jacket standing in my little one bedroom apartment. It was the first time he had been there and he looked so handsome. Flashbacks of driving to Florida to introduce him to my friends. It was the first time I had been back in a while and we made so many good memories. Memories. Memories of playing pool at Papa Murphy's in Lawton. Memories of dancing in the parking lot under the moon. Memories of the dang Lawton birds exploding the transformers and knocking the whole apartment's power out. We didn't care. We just sat in the dark in each others arms and it was perfect. Memories of finding notes in my cabinets telling me how beautiful I was and that he had never been happier. I was happy too.

I hear a 'hello' again. I close my eyes. For a moment, just a moment he is calling me to ask me what we were going to do this evening, or maybe to plan a date, or maybe to say that we should go somewhere to watch football. Just for a moment, he is calling me to tell me that he loves me or to get Ryot's shoe size because he found a pair that he just had to buy for her. Just hearing his voice through the phone takes me back to those days. Those happy days. Those crazy days. Those funny days.

But those days are no more. I don't want them back now because I already know the outcome of that love story. It doesn't end really well. So that person, whoever he was, is dead. Long gone. I miss that person. The carcass that is left is someone I must deal with, but I have no connection to. No past. No future. Just a weird present where the most basic form of communication is required on an occasional basis.

So I just like to remember the good times and look forward to the great times I have ahead. I was happy then, but that happiness was fleeting as is custom with death. I have a new love now. Actually, I've loved Him for many years, but always struggled with giving Him my whole heart.

He died as well. A horrific, terrifying death. But death could not hold him. He is risen!

I can't explain this love for fear of not describing the full effect as eloquently as this great love deserves. All I can say is that I have NEVER been happier, more fulfilled, more wanted, more desired, more listened to, more cared for, more full, more lifted, more excited, more challenged, more trusted, more LOVED than I do now.

I don't have all the answers. I make a lot of mistakes. But that's the incredible thing. He doesn't want a relationship with me because I look like a Victoria Secret Model or because I have a PhD or because I have nice things or a lot of money. He loves me for who I am. How is that possible? Because He created me.

I'm not scientifically inclined. I can't explain all the mysteries. All I have is what I know, what I have experienced and how I feel.

No one will ever love me as much as God does.
No one will ever love you as much as God does.
That is not a feeling.
That is a fact.

Irritated now.

You tell me that I don't have to be crafty and it will still only take me 10 minutes.
You tell me that its so easy and really cheap to accomplish.

Well guess what?!?!
When you tell me these things and its 2 hours later....
When you tell me these things and I have cuts, pokes, and scratches from inanimate objects....
When you tell me this and my sweet girl falls asleep on the couch watching a movie instead of cuddling with me....
When you tell me these things and I still haven't accomplished my project....

I'm going to be angry. When I told you that I wasn't crafty, I wasn't exhibiting false modesty.

I'M REALLY NOT CRAFTY.

So some of you might ask why did I take on a project I knew that I couldn't do?
I was 'giving it a shot'
I was 'stepping outside my comfort and zone'
I was 'trying something new'
It sucked. And now I've lost 2 hours, $15 cuddling with my baby and I STILL need to finish the project by tomorrow somehow. And I've gained a whole lot of frustration over something that doesn't even matter in life and a bunch of annoying cuts, scrapes and scratches.

I tried and I failed. Not only did i fail, but I wasted time and money. Not only that but I tried to do something that wasn't even fun. I don't enjoy doing crafty stuff unless its with kids. Its just not my strong suit.

Why does this bother me so much? Why was there even a small thought in my mind that I would be able to accomplish this? Why is it a surprise that i couldn't so it. Why does it bother me that I'm not good at this kind of stuff? I don't have to be good at everything.

Tomorrow I will start over.
Tomorrow I will have a better attitude.
Tomorrow i will just go buy what I was trying to make.

Irritated now. Goodnight.

Focus

What drives you? What do you love? What are you passionate about?

What do the answers to those questions reveal about your character? What are positive things you can take away from that?

What are you doing with your life to support your passion? What actions are you taking to make your passions the priority instead of just a far off dream? What things need to change to make your passions a reality?

Who in your life supports you? Are you surrounded by more people who support your dreams and help you achieve your goals? Do the people in your life even know what your passions and talents are?

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. Slowly inhale and feel the oxygen filling your lungs. Slowly exhale and release tension in your muscles. Relax your body, relax your mind.

What do you see? Where do you go? Where is your oasis when you escape the chaos?

Focus your tasks on your priorities.
Focus your priorities on your goals.
Focus your goals on your passions.

Fill your life with people who will not only encourage you but push you to your limit to accomplish your goals.

Life is short. Don't just "do it". Do only what matters.

I will not sink

Today I just can't. I'm trying, but I just can't. I would say that I need a stiff drink, or chocolate, or a massage, or a day off, or something else, but I really just need to take a deep breath and let go of all the things I can't control. I am enough, because God says I am. That is enough for me. That is my solid rock. All other ground is sinking sand.

He is dating again. I tried so hard to make him happy, but I couldn't. Only You could make him happy. But he is "happy" now that he "finally found" the one he had been looking for. I can't control that. He is dating a girl with daughters. Oh, Lord, please protect those precious hearts. Please help him see the impact he has in their lives. Please protect my sweet baby's heart, please. I'm begging you to fill her up so she feels no void. I'm so scared. But I don't have to be. But I am right now. I can't pretend that everything is fine. Because everything is not fine. But God is good. He will be our portion. He made us exactly as we are supposed to be. God, my sweet girl is so perfect and precious, how can he throw her away like he does?! I'm not enough for her, but You are. I can't give her everything she needs, but You can. Please Father, Abba, please save her heart from this hurt. I can't handle it. I can't breathe. I gasp for air, but this air is not what I need. I need You. This is not how it was supposed to be. But I can't change it. I only have what I have now. I'm so confused. I'm so sick to my stomach. I just hurt, but You heal. I just ache, but You soothe. I'm just tired, but You will rejuvenate my soul. I know You will because Your Word says You will.

Psalm 3: "O Lord, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my soul, there is no salvation for him in God. Selah. But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and He answered me from His holy hill. Selah. I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid of many thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around. Arise, O Lord! Save me, O my God! For you strike all my enemies on the cheek; you break the teeth of the wicked. Salvation belongs to the Lord; Your blessing be on your people! "

It doesn't matter if you are broken as long as you are standing on solid ground.

My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand;
all other ground is sinking sand.

Who I was

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...

These are lyrics from Brandon Heath's "I'm not who I was".

Every time I hear this song, I am stopped in my tracks. Maybe its because I am reminded of who I was. The things I did, the people I hurt, the opportunities I neglected. Maybe it's because I am filled with an incredible peace that I don't ever have to go back to being that person ever again. :) I get to be me. I get to accept me for who I am now. I get to embrace all my differences and seek out how God is going to use me in an incredible way to further His kingdom. I can't help but smile when I think about all of the goodness God has poured into my life.

Whatever you are going through, whatever you are addicted to, whatever you have done, it can be removed from you as far as the east is from the west. If you ask - sincerely ask - for His forgiveness, He grants it gladly....GLADLY. He yearns for you to run to Him and fall into His open arms accepting His love and grace in your life. I thought that I was too far gone. But you are never too far gone. Saying that you are too far gone from grace is just like saying that you are too hungry to eat. If you are hungry, eat. If you are thirsty, drink. If you are sad, run to Him. If you are hurting, run to Him. If you are at the end of your rope, run to Him. If you are all alone, run to Him. If you are curious, run to Him. If you are ready to live a life with forgiveness, grace, love and true companionship, then just cry out to God. He will hear you and will set you on a great adventure.

Believing in God is not just a bunch of rules. He is not standing over you with a checklist of do's and don'ts. He wants a real, true, active, conversational, relationship with you. YOU. Your neighbors, your kids, your parents, your friends, your coworkers, your fellow highway commuters, your estranged relatives, your crazy in-laws, your enemies.

Don't base your opinion of God solely on other Christians. Seek out the truth yourself. He WILL reveal the truth to you. Christians are just people. I fail daily. I make a ton of mistakes, but my God is so good and perfect and loving to forgive me when I ask. Do not put any hope in one person. Put all hope in God. He made you, created you with the exact personality that you have for a specific purpose. There are many things you can accomplish and overcome. You can. I know you can. And I'm excited for you to be able to look back and say "I'm not who I was".

It truly is a great feeling.

My Best Bestie is a Super Ninja

When I think about my friends, immediately a smile comes across my face. It may be a sad smile of how much I miss them. Or a laughing smile while thinking of all the crazy times. Or just a plain happy go lucky smile because I seriously have the best best friends in the world. And they ALL are far away.

Bestie plus puppies and Shayda - Florida
Angeline plus hubby and Nids plus family - Colorado
Nikki plus Monster - Oklahoma

A fellow blogger posted a list of prompts of blogging topics/questions to help stir the creativity in writing. Today's prompt is: "Write down your last sent text message."

Mine was "I guess I can manage".

I wonder what that makes you think of. You, readers. I'm laughing because written all by itself it can mean so many different things. If this were a discussion board I would just leave it at that just so I could see the guesses. But since this is a blog post that you will read in your spare time, I will reveal the context.

Can I just say one more time that I have the best Bestie in the whole world?

I am living.

There are some things that I think I want to be, but not really. I watch cupcake wars and think how incredible it would be to create those edible masterpieces. But then I realize I really don't want that because I am NOT thrilled with the idea of baking something and waiting for it to freeze and then spending hours upon hours on itty bitty little details to make 3000 flowers on a cake. I like how the finished product looks and I want to eat it, but I do not want to create it. I see amazing gardens of freshly grown organic produce and am in awe. I think about how wonderful that would be to just go in my backyard and pick fresh tomatoes to add to my salad. But then I think about building the boxes like Mama VP is doing here. And I think about all of the money put toward soil and soil additives and seeds. And then I think about all the time into making sure certain plants get a lot of water and others get a little bit of sun but not too much. Oh my, overwhelming. That is NOT my thing. I like the idea of being an organic vegetarian, bohemian, "crunchy", natural, artsy, cool mom.....pretty much a compilation of all my friends.....but that just isn't me. Of all the years of comparing myself to those around me I realized something that profoundly changed my life:

If you really want to be something, you have to want the process of becoming that something as well.

Let me tell you a little story: The only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom. Sure, there were other things like becoming a teacher or one season of my life I wanted to be a pilot, but my heart just wanted to be a mom. When I was 19, I went to a Dr. who diagnosed me with PCOS- Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome (You can learn more about PCOS here: What is PCOS?) The doctor told me that there was a 80% chance with my symptoms and history that I might not be able to have children. I bawled for weeks. I lost soooo much weight. I was severely depressed. I mean, this is who I was. I KNEW this was what I was supposed to be. I just knew it. I wasn't eating. I was working two different jobs from 4am to 11pm. One of the jobs was working at two different photography studios where I had to take pictures of families, pregnant women and newborns constantly. I wasn't interacting with friends or family. I was just miserable. Then I woke up in the hospital. I can't really remember what happened. I was told that I had a seizure while driving from Norman, OK to Lawton, OK after I finished one of my jobs. I was talking on the phone to a friend and he came and picked me up from a Love gas station that he had me pull into. He drove me to the hospital and I was there for several days. While at the hospital I was severely malnourished, dehydrated and had several more seizures. They did all sorts of tests and scans and couldn't find any chemical imbalance or problem in my brain. This is what they did find: I have an abnormal heart rhythym and my resting heart rate is 30(normal resting heart rate is between 60-100). They noticed that when I was stressed, my heart rate spiked and that's when I would pass out and have the seizure. They are called Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures and are emotional and stress-related.

 

Nothing really crossed my mind until I woke up in the hospital bed one day with this pain on the back of my leg. With the nurses help, I got up and looked on the back of my leg to see a spider bite. Seriously?! It was at that moment that I just asked myself the big "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" question. Sure PCOS sucks and ruined my idea of what life is supposed to look like, but it's not cancer. I wasn't dying.

 

But I wasn't living either.

 

I checked myself out of the hospital that day and decided to start living. A lot of other crazy things have happened between then and now. Those stories I will save for a later time, if I ever tell them at all. But this is a major point that helped me define who I am. The dehydration, the sickness, the depression, the hospital stay - it was all caused by me defining who I was from what had happened to me. It all could have been avoided.

 

I am living with a low resting heart rate which means that every time I have to be hooked up to the heart rate monitor at the hospital, it will beep and nurses will rush in to see if I am still alive. Annoying when you are in labor and trying to get sleep? yes, but not life-threatening.

 

I am living with PCOS which means that I am truly blessed that me and my little girl conquered that negative 80% chance that I would never get to see her sweet smiling face. I may never get to experience another pregnancy, but I will not let that define WHO I am.

 

I am 24 which means that I have a lot of life to live, but I will not let others look down on me because of my age. I will be confident in what I have learned because God does not impart great wisdom with great age, He imparts great wisdom with great faith.

 

I am divorced. I am average. I am a little fluffy and curvy. I am not the smartest or the prettiest or the most entertaining. But I will not be defined by anything that I have done or haven't done. This is merely life. The testing and the baby steps. The trying and failing. The success and memories. The effort and the reward. The consequences and the second chances. Taking deep breaths of God-given fresh air. Smiling often and laughing even more. Taking too many pictures. Being love to those around me. Who I was is not who I am now. Who I am is not who I want to be indefinitely. Because I don't want to just be, period. I want to continue to be on and on and again and more. Growing, nurturing, loving, being.

 

One day at a time.

 

So who am I? I am living.

Psalm 34

¹ I will extol the Lord at all times;     his praise will always be on my lips. ² I will glory in the Lord;     let the afflicted hear and rejoice. ³ Glorify the Lord with me;     let us exalt his name together.⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me;     he delivered me from all my fears. ⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;     their faces are never covered with shame. ⁶ This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;     he saved him out of all his troubles. ⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,     and he delivers them. ⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good;     blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. ⁹ Fear the Lord, you his holy people,     for those who fear him lack nothing. ¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,     but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. ¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;     I will teach you the fear of the Lord. ¹² Whoever of you loves life     and desires to see many good days, ¹³ keep your tongue from evil     and your lips from telling lies. ¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;     seek peace and pursue it.¹⁵ The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,     and his ears are attentive to their cry; ¹⁶ but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,     to blot out their name from the earth.¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;     he delivers them from all their troubles. ¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.¹⁹ The righteous person may have many troubles,     but the Lord delivers him from them all; ²⁰ he protects all his bones,     not one of them will be broken.²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;     the foes of the righteous will be condemned. ²² The Lord will rescue his servants;     no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Vs. 18 over and over and over.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

It hasn't hit me this hard in a long time, but the past couple days have been horrible on the broken heart scale.

I. can't. breathe.

I destroyed that coffee!

Happy Monday!!!

A couple weeks ago, I was explaining to one of my employees that our timesheets show the week as Monday through Sunday. He said, "Ugh, I hate Mondays." This is a known worldwide sentiment. There are ecards, funny posters, quotes and sayings all pointing to the fact of how dreadful Mondays are. I wake up, have to slap makeup on my face, wear something other than sweatpants, interact with people and attack the massive stacks of paperwork on my desk. It's a daunting task to come in on Monday when the work was slowly piling up all weekend. It doesn't help much if you are recouping from a busy weekend, either.

Last night, the sweetness decided to sleep catty corner while slicing me with her toe nail knives and kicking me in the spleen. She had a bad dream at 1:00am and at 3:00am was asking for cake. No darling, you can not have cake at 3am. Please sleep? I know, I know...how unfair am I?! She went back to sleep shortly after and my lovely alarm buzzed just two hours later at 5am. I would love to say that I got up, had peaceful quiet time with my Bible and a warm cup of coffee. I would love to say that I took a shower and packed a healthy lunch for the day. But I would be bold face lying. I stayed in bed until 630am. Awake, but under those heavenly warm covers cuddled with my now sweetly sleeping angel which compared to the night ninja a couple hours ago was more than enough reason to stay put. I did finally get out of bed and rushed to get ready. Thankfully I did laundry this weekend, so I threw on clothes and my work hat.

Brief Digression: I only wear this work hat when I'm having a bad hair day or an I-just-didn't-fix-my-hair-day. My bosses perceive it as company loyalty, so it's a win-win for me! Seriously, all three of my bosses today at some point will say "nice hat" with that big prideful grin on their face. Oh, if they only knew the mad swirl of hair chaos that is happening under their pink/camo work logo. But there is no need to disclose this information.

Due to this eventful night and rushed morning, I stopped by Starbucks. I thought I would be clever and get a Venti instead of a Grande. I imagined myself taking my time sipping on this warm Quad Soy No Whip Mocha. I even thought I would need to reheat it at some point so that I could continue to sip on it throughout my morning. I would let it gradually wake me up as I began my work day. Oh no. Not the case here.

I destroyed that coffee.

 

I received the coffee at 7:50am. As I type, it is 8:30am and that coffee is gone. Destroyed. Annihilated. Comfortably resting in my stomach. The cup? Sadly in the bottom of the trash can. It's short little life purpose lived out in only 40 minutes.

 

Now what do I do for the next 8 hours?

5 Min Friday! Jumbled Mess

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

I just typed and retyped several paragraphs on several different topics trying to come up with this post. It's not that I can't find the words to say. It's not that I'm worried if the content will be relevant or interesting. I'm not even worried about how it will make me look or seem to my readers. All of the gunk, thoughts, emotions and stuff are just more intertwined to my heart than I realized before I started typing. I know, I know, this goes against the whole premise of 5 Min Fridays, because there has been WAY too much editing, proofreading and deleting. I'm just not ready to share this stuff quite yet. I have no problem with being open and honest about my life. I don't have vulnerability issues or fears of judgment for being transparent. I just have a couple things to figure out before I offload the chaos happening inside me right now.

Things I will divulge:

1. I received something in the mail that I have been waiting for 3 months to receive. Part 1 of a 4 step progress - complete! I have to be thankful for progress right?

2. Due to a conversation I had earlier, I am even more motivated to be more active with Ryot. Tonight I plan to take her to a small little park by our apartment that we frequent because of the squirrels, rabbits and owners with their dogs. Ryot just loves it and I love it when she just loves something. :)

3. I had a sadhappy moment today. I saw two people celebrating 5 year anniversaries, a new baby being born in the family, and countless others gushing from people about how much they love/admire/cherish/enjoy their significant others. I had a split moment of "that should be me" which quickly turned into my thought that I have never in my whole life been more satisfied and in love with my great Creator than I am now. And that alone is worth it to me.

So 5 Min Fridays, you can kiss my butt. I'm a rebel today.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am declaring thankful Thursday. Here are just 3 things on the list of many that I am thankful for. (In no particular order)

1. I'm thankful for suggestions/posts/blogs/conversations from friends. Just in a week's worth of time, I have been enlightened to help ease my workload, encouraged to be the free thinking, loving mom that I am and been led through a life-changing spirit-firing holy of holies experience with my Creator.

2. I'm thankful for these beautiful flowers that bring a smile to my face. It's just something about the way they are being exactly who they are supposed to be. They don't argue or complain. They just are, because that is how they were created. These flowers, right here in front of me, were created to serve the purpose of putting a smile on my face. So thankful for little pleasures like these.

3. I'm thankful for the US Postal Service. In the past month I have started writing letters again and have recently mailed a few packages. I'm really thankful I don't have to ride the Pony Express to deliver my letter across country.

I'm not a SAHM

Today my friend Hannah received some not so nice words from an obviously unhappy woman in Subway. This woman made cutting remarks calling Hannah lazy for being a (SAHM) stay at home mom. I don't get angry at stay at home moms, but I do get jealous. It is something that I seriously have to give to God every time it pops in my head. I see pictures of moms doing art projects or playing at the splash pad. I see updates of families going to the zoo or visiting friends for play dates and it makes me a little sad. Ryot and I go to the pool occasionally when I get off work, but she is usually so tired from her play day at daycare that a later bedtime means a groggier start to the next day so it really is like a once a week treat. We reserve that kind of fun for the weekend.

Ryot is getting to the age where she really loves to help me do things around the house. She loves to wash "wabee"(water) so she helps me with the dishes which really just creates more work for me. But I just think it is so important for her to spend time with me and learn responsibility at the same time. I drop Ryot off at 730am and I don't pick her up until 530pm. Even typing that out and thinking about those hours honestly makes me sick to my stomach. I didn't have a child to have someone else raise her! But I don't have a choice. I don't have the option of staying at home. There is only me. Sure, I could quit my job and live off of government assistance, but that's not how I was raised. I am working really hard to provide for Ryot financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This is ONLY possible by getting my resources from God. His money, His heart, His strength, His guidance, His joy.

I like working. In fact, I love my job. I love the intellectual challenge and interaction. I love learning new things. I love the to do list being checked off. I have great rapport and relationships with my clients, vendors, employees, coworkers and bosses. I just miss her. I just point blank miss her every second of every day. I have two pictures on my desk of her and I just stare at her in awe of such a beautiful creation and gift from God. I love working, but I love going home more.
I am not the perfect mom, not even close. I raise my voice sometimes. Sometimes I don't pay attention to her, but then immediately I am gut-wrenching sorry. Sometimes I hide her Strawberry Shortcake movie. Sometimes I specifically eat chocolate after she goes to bed because I don't want to share. Sometimes I pray for a longer nap time. Sometimes I buy coffee instead of stickers or something that Ryot would really love. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I just don't have what it takes.

Right now I want to erase that whole last paragraph so no one knows of my selfishness sometimes. But even through my selfishness, there is no one on this planet who loves that little girl more than me. I have more good days/moments than bad ones, but I am doing the best that I can. Hannah is not better than me for staying at home to care for her two rambunctious boys. I am not better than Hannah for working full time. It doesn't matter if her house is cleaner than mine or if I get more "free" time than she does.

If you are a stay at home mom, how about you provide a home-cooked meal for a working mom so that is one less thing for her to do?

If you are a working mom, how about you offer to watch her kids for a couple hours on your weekend so she can go pamper herself or relax for a little bit?

What matters is that we both love our babies the most that anyone could possibly accomplish and strive everyday to give them what they need. We, as moms, need to team together to encourage each other instead of cut each other down.

*off of soap box now*

What is Kayla made of?

What are little boys made of? What are little boys made of?

Slugs and snails

And puppy-dogs' tails,

That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of? What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice

And everything nice,

 

That's what little girls are made of.

But what am I made of? How does my family describe me? What would my friends say is my biggest motivation? How would strangers characterize me? Would they say I am made of "sugar and spice and everything nice"?

Your actions depict your priorities and its no secret that humans do what they want to do. We are all about choices. What I wear, eat, listen to, do, who I hang out with, where I go, what I spend my money on and how I react to circumstances are all characteristics of my priorities. What do I spend my time on? What is my definition of "rejuvenation"? How do I find comfort? What are my pet peeves? What makes me smile? What makes me laugh and why?

Am I spending too much time on social media?

Am I not spending enough time in the quiet? Am I taking care of my body? Am I a contributing member of society? Am I helpful? Am I loving the people around me? Am I choosing what is right? Am I being bold? Am I making the most of the opportunities before me? Am I being a good steward of my time and relationships? Am I blessing those around me? Are they encouraged or burdened with my friendship?

I want the stuff in my life to matter. I want my life to be a reflection of the goodness of God. I want my testimony to not show me, my strength or my courage, because it is not me that has conquered any obstacles.

I want to make things happen for the bigger picture. I want to make my Abba Father proud. I want to learn as much as I can so I can pass it on to Ryot. I want, need, gotta have something better than what this world can offer.

I want to make things happen.

Ryot Update *Almost* 26 Months

Tonight, Ryot told me she was 2 and named all the following body parts: head, hair, 'ingers', hands, 'ohms' (arms), bobos (elbows), legs, feet, toes, knees, byee(belly), button (belly button), booee (booty), ears, eyes, 'teet' (teeth), chin and 'mou' (mouth).

She is 28 lbs and really tall. I know that's not a measurement but she easily fits in both 2t and 3t clothes. She has big feet, size 8! Her hair is the perfect sandy strawberry blonde color. It is getting longer but she still has a mullet.

She loves to play outside and run with the boys but tonight wanted to wear this tutu to be a 'peenchess'. :)





She loves to 'bead' (read) and 'pay' (pray) before bed. She loves to have her 'beebee' (blanket) to sleep in mommy's 'big bed'. She hugs random people in random places and tells them that they are 'petty' (pretty). She loves her school and her best friend is a little boy named Jojo. All her stuffed animals are named Jojo or Jane. She points things out to me by saying watch or see? She loves to dance and will talk on the phone if she is in the mood.

She is a HUGE cuddle bug and definitely mama's little girl.  I love every minute. She loves to brush her teeth...all the time. She is a very picky eater. She loves shoes and shopping and drawing. She loves to swim or anything that has to do with 'wabee' (water) i.e. drinking fountain rains, swimming pools, sinks, bath tubs, puddles. She loves to drive under the freeway or under bridges. No matter what she is doing she stops and says 'ooo wow' and gets excited.

Common phrases:
-Ant bite. Not nice.
-He/She's sad. (Which then she tells me that she wants to buy them a hat and shoes and juice to make them happy again)
-see ya gator!
-bye guys! (Instead of just bye bye)
-i 'an ju (I want juice)
-you peenchess. I peenchess. (Meaning princess. Then she dances)
-stop...shhhhhh (when I ask her too many questions when we are learning)
-'tahnkyou Jesus men-men' (thank you Jesus amen)

I'm sure there are tons more but that is what came to mind.

I know I talk about her all the time. I just want to remember everything. I just want to remember what she says and how she looks and smells. What she likes and doesn't like. How she makes me feel. How she interacts with others. I want to soak it in and remember every moment. I want to create memories that she will never forget.

If something ever happens to me I want her to know that there was no one on this earth that I loved more than her.

My little heartbeat.

God is I am

How do you write when you wake up and everything is different? Better?

How do you articulate the perfect nature of a great God?

How can you encounter His goodness and not be changed?

I'm ready for Tuesday now

 

I wasn't expecting that.
And I didn't want it.
I just wanted a small break from work.
I just wanted to go get some lunch.

I'm not hungry anymore.
I'm ready for Tuesday now, thanks.

 

Sometimes I am just at a loss for words. She is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in my life. She lights up the room when she walks in. She is determined and stubborn so it is so much fun to see her overcome obstacles.

She is growing way too fast but I am enjoying every minute of it. She is charming. She is hilarious. She really is the coolest kid ever. I am so blessed. How can you not love this kid? She is my favorite. Ever. The Sweetness.

Tomorrow will include church, special lunch with friends, laundry and just chilling.
I. Am. So. Excited. I want it to be tomorrow already. Eeeeek. I want to wake her up right now to cuddle and play with her.

But you NEVER wake a sleeping child. Ever.

5 Min Friday! I'm Freezing

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

This morning when I walked in the office I started my normal routine. I turned the lights on, started my computer and unforwarded the phones. (Wordpress is telling me that "unforwarded" is not a word, but I know that my lovely readers will forgive me and understand my meaning) As I started to walk back to start the coffee, chills ran down my body. I prepared the coffee and thought that surely a delicious cup of joe would warm me up. I sat down at my desk and started to check my emails and turn on some music. Still waiting for the coffee, I shuffled through the papers on my desk as another chill shook my whole body.

It is 87 degrees outside with 75% humidity, surely I can't be this cold!

But I was freeeezzzing!

Well, I am all alone today and so there isn't a lot of body heat through the office.

But that shouldn't really make a lot of difference.

I DID wake up with a huge headache. That's it. Maybe I'm just not feeling well.

 

Then I had the marvelous idea to check the thermostat. I'm a genius, I know.

It was below 60. ARE THEY CRAZY!?

I wonder how many other things I overanalyze that really are so simple?

A Turning Point

First of all, thank you to everyone who has spread love, kindness and encouraging words in regards to Ryot's fire ant fiasco yesterday. I didn't count all of the bites, but I would be confident to say that she has around 10 bites on one leg and probably 20 or more on the other. Last night I let her stay up a little later and she fell asleep on my chest while we watched Narnia. So precious!!

Yesterday at 4:30pm I received a call from the daycare telling me that Ryot had stepped in the fire ant bed. The daycare director said that it had just happened, but Ryot had already stopped crying and the redness was starting to go away. She told me that it didn't look like Ryot was having an allergic reaction, she was already back to her normal happy self, and that she would call me in 15 minutes. As I was finishing some paperwork, I posted to my Facebook about the incident and was graciously flooded with advice, "oh nooooo's" and kind words of concern. Thank you to everyone! The director called me as I was leaving the office and was so kind and apologetic. She said that they would do whatever I needed them to do as far as special treatment or medicine. She told me that there wasn't any swelling and the redness had continued to go down. In fact, while I was on the phone with her, I heard Ryot's squeal of laughter and the director told me that Ryot had just skipped past her office laughing as the class was moving to a different room.

When I got the initial call about Ryot stepping in the ant bed, I had a peace. I asked if she was having any type of visible allergic reaction. I also asked if her demeanor had changed drastically. Both of the answers to that question were no, and I just had a peace about it. I saw the suggestions to go to the emergency room on my facebook but I just had a peace about a covering over Ryot for this incident. On the drive to pick Ryot up, I started doubting this peace. I had all those thoughts running through my head. It wasn't just a simple thing. I was wondering what the teachers were going while my poor baby was being eaten by those dreadful ants. I was hurting for the pain she had to go through. I was sad that I wasn't there to comfort her when it happened. I was thankful that we were so fortunate to live in a country with medicine so readily available. I was so grateful for the teachers concern and how they were loving on her. I was thankful for technology that allowed me to communicate with the school for incidents like this. Every single one of those thoughts were all short lived. They left as quickly as they came and left very little trace of their existence. However for that moment, I was distracted from my peace and I called Urgent Care. The lady was very rude, put me on hold only to tell me that she couldn't advise whether to bring Ryot in to them without them being able to see the bites first. Wait a minute...I have to bring the child to you and pay $175 so you can tell me whether I needed to bring her in to you or not? I have to pay you to tell me to give her Benadryl? Then it was an almost audible voice asking me "What are you doing?". So I told the lady thank you and drove the rest of the way to the daycare with peace in my heart.

After all of those thoughts, I was reminded of reading Bill Johnson's book The Supernatural Power of a Transformed Mind. I don't want to butcher the story that he told so I will do my best to just explain what it taught me instead. One of the main things that I learned from this book is to renew your mind. To praying and changing your mindset that "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." This literally means renewing your mind heavenward. I believe that there is no sickness or pain in heaven and I believe that it is God's will for it to be "on earth as it is in heaven" so that is exactly what I prayed for. I remembered a story that Bill told in the book about when he was a new Pastor. A lady brought her son to him that who was sick or hurt (I can't remember, oops) and he panicked. His froze and immediately advised to call 911. This seems like the normal response. This is the typical modern day response. Bringing heaven on earth as a reality takes a special kind of full force faith. A daily decision to defy "logic" and "rules" of this world and allow God to work through us. We ARE the hands and feet of God.

When I got to the daycare, I heard her sweet voice shouting "puppy!" accompanied with delightful giggles. I went around the corner to see her reading a book with one of her teachers. She was excited to see me and promptly told me "ant bite not nice" as she frowned and pointed to her legs. I asked her if she was ok to which she smiled and nodded while giving me a huge hug. That peace that was in my soul was now multiplied with a sigh of happy relief for my mommy heart. I asked the director and her teacher if we could pray over Ryot and we all laid hands on her to pray. I thanked God for His provision over Ryot and the other kids. I confirmed out loud that I believe it is God's nature to bring goodness and His desire for his will "on earth as it is in heaven". And I just declared that that is what we were praying for over Ryot. That the ant venom would not spread, that she would be without pain or discomfort and that He would be glorified.

And it just felt good. I'm sure there are a plethora of other words I could use to describe this feeling, this peace that surpasses all understanding, this joy that one only feels when in the center of His presence, but I have to say, it just felt good. I had not just learned something new and had a renewing in my mind, but I had the opportunity to bear fruit and follow through with my new mindset.
This is a victory for God, through me to vanquish all evil through His power.

 I am so blessed.
And just plain excited.
This was a turning point in my walk. A major step toward not just knowing who I need to be but BEING who I'm meant to be.

Identity Begets Reaction

Last night I sat down determined to read for an hour or so before I went to bed. I made a cup of coffee, snuggled with my blanket on the couch and took a couple deep breaths, ready to immerse myself in insight and wisdom from Bill Johnson. I briefly contemplated turning on some background music but then decided that I didn't want any possible kind of distraction. I was serious.

Then I read 4 paragraphs and stopped at an undeniable truth that punched me in the gut. I read this:

"I have met many women who were called "whores" by their fathers, then struggled with immorality their entire lives. Names can be prophetic declarations that define a person's identity. Because people act according to who they believe they are, these lies are ultimately acted out in their behavior. We respond to our environment according to the way we see ourselves. Words spoken to us become names that we carry in our hearts. These names paint a portrait of us in our imagination and become the lenses through which we view our world. Sticks and stones are breaking our bones, but names are taking away our future!" -Excerpt from chapter 5 of Supernatural Ways of Royalty by Bill Johnson & Kris Vallotton.

I literally felt like the I had the wind knocked out of me. I have written many blog posts, have had several conversations and spent countless hours thinking about my identity in Christ. Especially in the recent months, I have been able to let go of some pretty heavy weights I carried around. Weights in the form of "I am not enough" that are explained a little bit throughout my blog. And I get it. I totally get it. I have missed opportunities by not being bold because of how I viewed myself. Today, I took this thought and ran a little further with it. I looked through every area of my life and analyzed how my response reflects the way I view myself. Work, mommyhood, friends, church, dating. Oh goodness, dating. ugh. There are some guys that I don't even consider as prospects because I felt like they wouldn't date a single mom or that they would only date girls who were double zero models. Now how in the heck could I possibly know what type of girl that a guy is going to be interested in? I mean, really, it's ridiculous! Plus, I have a lot of good qualities that can not be replaced by a pair of junior jeans or an itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot bikini. Some guys have missed the opportunity to talk to my awesomeness because I was convinced that I wasn't good enough for them! Ok, just kidding. I'm really not that vain. ha! But the point has been made. I have probably missed opportunities for dating, work, community service and so many other areas because I was limiting myself by living under a specific name when I have already been given a new name! A new freedom in a great God to not be bound by what I think I am, but be free to live in what He says I am!

Today, I self-examined, but last night was different. I had this out of body view of my world. My grocery store, my office, my apartments, my daycare, my gas station, my playground. These words don't apply to only me. These words apply to the lady from Progressive who was completely rude to me today on the phone. She reacted to her environment according to the way she sees herself. It applies to my next door neighbor who is shy but always kind. He reacts to me according to the way that he sees himself. It applies to a certain somebody in my life who always cuts my physical appearance down. That person reacts to me according to the way they see their self. It applies to my blog reading people who comment on my posts. Whatever I write, interprets to them in a specific way and they react according to the way they see themselves. It applies to everyone. And because of this new found realization, I feel like it is so much easier to be the "body" of Christ now. I feel like insecurity can be replaced with confidence. That judgment can be replaced with compassion. That bitterness and anger can be replaced with forgiveness and love. I feel like with this knowledge it is a lot easier to open up and just be point blank honest about where I'm at in life and what I'm feeling. Not that I haven't been honest, but I know I have held back in situations instead of just stepping out in faith and walking in my new identity.

So what am I going to do about it? It's time for a change in perspective.