Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! 

I really can't believe how the holiday is literally upon us. I feel as though I blinked and two weeks were instantly fast forwarded to today. Buying gifts, slicing wrapping paper, Christmas parties, delicious food, family get togethers and of course normal day to day life has made the past two weeks so much fun, yet so busy. 

As I lay here in bed this morning, I can't help but swell with emotion for all the things I am grateful for. 

Right now my serenade is the soft rhythmic hum of little baby snores. She isn't to the age yet of running into my room to wake me up really early in anticipation of opening presents...and I'm so grateful. I'm going to soak up the last bit of 'baby' that is left in my otherwise wildly independent little girl. 

Right now I have Christmas presents under the tree from me, friends, unlikely people (that is another blog post in and of itself), and a wonderful Mr. who is joyfully choosing to tackle this crazy holiday with me. I couldn't ask for more. 

God has truly blessed my life in so many ways. He has answered prayers that I voiced to my beautiful community of prayer warriors, and he has answered the prayers that were so sacred to my heart that they were never shared. 

This Christmas, I am blessed beyond comprehension. 

This Christmas, I have been given the greatest gifts of all without touching the ones under the tree. 

This Christmas, I am kneeling before my Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace. 

My prayer today is that peace that really does surpass all understanding will reign in the hearts of all of my friends and family today. Peace regardless of loved ones lost. Peace that covers all wars; spiritual, physical, domestic, international. Peace that makes lasting memories with relatives near and far from our hearts. And lastly my prayer is that we will extend grace and love to all who cross our path because it has been extended to us far greater than we could ever repay. 

I love you, you who are reading this. I say it with all sincerity. 

Insideoutwardswords

My conversations with the Mr. yesterday.

*holding up a shirt*
'I think the shirt is inside outwards'

'Outwards? Is that a word?'

'Yeah I think so. Inward, outward'

'But I don't think it's plural.'

'It is now'

'Its just the same like I'm trapped in a dungeon and a dragon is climbing up to get me.'

'Not even close considering a dungeon is underground....'

'Well, he would be crawling up from the depths of the earth.'

'...yeeeaahhhhh ok...'

'I'm going to lay in bed, write a blog post and go to sleep. I don't really want to write, but if I write I will become a better writer. Then I will write a book and be on the New York Best Book Seller's list and make millions.'

'New York Times Best Seller List.' 

'....yeah, ya know, whatever'

This is exactly why I write. I'm sure by now my mind and tongue are jealous of my love affair between my typing fingers and the backspace key. It's nice to be able to try new phrases, use spell check and look up correct meanings of words. I find myself often asking, "Did that even make sense?" as I second guess my choice of words. At the end of the day I just have to trust that what was meant to be heard was heard and what was misconstrued will be brought to my attention to rectify.

My words are as inside outwards as that shirt. Don't question it, just go with the flow.

The Wonder

There are few interactions as intentional as a two year old waiting for/helping with cracking peanuts. I loved watching her wait in wonder as she had never experienced this before. I loved how bright her eyes lit up as she showed me the magic she was witnessing. I loved when she out her hand on his arm waiting patiently for his assistance. 

 Don't lose the anticipation. Don't lose the excitement. Don't lose the wonder. 

10pm

Hello my dear,

It's been a long while since we have been together. I can't remember the last time that we met. I miss you. I miss the deep breath of air and relaxation that you provide when I choose to meet you where you are. I know you are always there for me. I'm sorry for ignoring you. Please forgive me.

I love you, 10pm. 

I promise to spend more time with you this week because staying up late is so overrated. 

Sweet dreams...for me...literally. 

Kayla Jo

Christmas Lights

I love Christmas. I love Christmas lights. I really can't wait to have a home so I can help light up the street for Christmas light enthusiasts like myself. It's true Christmas is always wonderful but it's even more wonderful this year. This year I had someone to hold my hand as we said our ooo's and ahh's over the display of lights. This year I had someone to laugh with as the sweetness exclaimed 'oh my word' with shouts of pure excitement. 

This year is different. A most wonderful kind of different. 

All Drafts

I have a couple draft posts waiting for me to hit that beautiful publish button. I'm dying to hear the familiar DING on my computer when I publish a brand new post. Hot of the press, I usually have to go back and read it over again to see what the people are seeing from my blog page instead of just what I see from a blank screen. I wonder if I would gain more motivation if I wrote on the actual blog page instead of just the white screen staring back at me.

I found this picture online today. I'm fairly certain it could be perfectly compared and matched to my brain scan at this moment.

Mommy, watch this!

It's official. The 'Mommy, watch this!' stage has begun.

Mommy, watch this! *cue silly face*

Mommy, watch this! *cue weird noise*

Mommy, watch this! *cue blanket over head*

Mommy, watch this! *cue looking at me through the holes of her crocheted blanket*
Mommy, watch this! *cue standing on one leg with her arms our stretched and one eye open*

Honestly, I love it. I love every minute of it. I love that she thinks its funny. When did my confidence fizzle in expressing myself through interpretive dance and things that I thought were funny? Where did that child-like mentality disappear to? She isn't analyzing whether or not her actions are appropriate or socially acceptable.  I love that she is crying out in her own 2 yr old way for love, affection and acceptance from me. The very fact that she does this is a prime example of our need for emotional acceptance by our loved ones.

What would change this week if you were intentional about loving your spouse or kids?

Are you loving them in the way that they receive love?

Are you assuming they know how you feel or are you expressing it?

Are you honest and open about what areas in your life you need love and acceptance? 

'What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It's the only thing that there's just too little of.' 

Romans 12:10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. 

Nightmares

Dreams before 3 am, nightmares after 3 am. What if they came true?
Did I just wake up in the same position I fell asleep in? I know the sweetness didn't because I can feel her ice cold toes buried under the small of my back. She is still sleeping, though, which I am grateful for.

Am I rested? Is rest relative? Like coffee having the same effect whether it's decaf or not. I yawn as I finish the last gulp of my first cup of full caf coffee. The french vanilla creamer made a wonderful accent this morning. It's a good change from the fall/winter choices of caramel or pumpkin. And I've never much been a peppermint person.

My eyes are heavy but I have to put one foot in front of the other. A new day has begun. 

Sweet Day Dreams

"Home? Go home mommy?"

Oh I wish, little darling. I close my eyes and sigh deeply, inhaling the cold crisp air.

And suddenly I see us at home. Still in our pj's, we are eating a pancake breakfast and singing songs together. You get syrup on your pj's and end up stripping down but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because we are at home. Together. I wipe your face and hands and watch you race to your room only to emerge with the most obnoxiously mismatched outfit that you so proudly display with no reservation. You are too cute and creative for me to dare stifle that vision, so I encourage you and clean up from breakfast.

My sweet day dream is harshly interrupted by the cold breeze of another parent bringing their sweet baby to daycare. Oh yeah, we are at daycare. That beautiful picture of quality time with just me and you isn't my reality.

One day, my sweetness, one day things won't be like this.
God has bigger and better things planned for us. I just know it.

Filling the Pages

This morning while looking for an address to send to a coworker, the design on Google's homepage caught my attention.

It is remembering Grace Hopper for her 107th birthday. I clicked (this link) to read about her story since I didn't know who she was. One click led to another as I was overwhelmed with people who have done so much in their lives, good and bad. I saw people who were famous for standing up for the things they believe in. The articles on those people always leave me with a big question mark. It makes me wonder what really happened. What was going on during that person's life? What were they thinking? Did they feel as influential as Wikipedia is telling the world that they were?

I probably won't be in Wikipedia one day. I will probably live my life and die without the vast majority of the US knowing my name. I am completely ok with that idea. I don't feel like I have been called to be in the spotlight. But that doesn't give me an excuse to do nothing. I might not have a book written about me or a movie recounting how I saved humanity but I can make a difference in the hearts and minds of the people I love. I can experience miracles. I can be a part of something bigger than myself.

I can write my own book. Now for the fun part of filling those pages. 

Step-Memory 9 yrs old

She's so skinny. I wish I was that skinny. 

Her hair is so cute short. Maybe I should cut mine. 

She dresses nice. Her clothes are expensive. 

I like her car. The leather looks cool. 

She has a nice voice and a funny laugh. 

She's pretty. 

I think I like her. 

'You are no longer the only woman in your daddy's life. Don't even try to come live here because we'll ship you to boarding school. Got it?'

She's so bony. It's gross. My mom was prettier. 

Her hair is too short. My moms hair was way prettier. 

Her clothes are so ugly. Way too expensive. 

Her car is too small. The leather is too cold. 

Her voice shrieks and her laugh is annoying.

She's mean. 

I don't like her. 

The Cuteness Tactic

I see her out of the corner of my eye standing next to me. She is quietly waiting for me to acknowledge her as I finish typing an email for work on my phone. Then I hear, 'Hi' in the cutest yet most mischievous voice I have ever heard. I look over to see this face.

As if saying 'hi' with that cute little face is somehow going to change my answer from 'no', to 'sure you can eat that cough drop even though I've already told you no 3 times'. 

Sorry sweetness, your adorable factor won't alter my decision here. I can't make any promises of refusal if you ask me for cookies though. For some reason your cuteness usually overrides me on that one. 

I will try

On Sunday I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a truck. At least, that's what I imagine it would feel like but I can't say for sure as I have never actually been run over by a truck. (Thankfully!) Head pounding, joints aching, coughing, sneezing, labored breathing, eyes watering, abs and ribs sore from coughing, and so much pressure in my face and neck.

I thought I was getting better. Health-wise.

My house is a wreck. I tried to clean a little this weekend and going up and down the stairs sent me into a near-death experience of coughing. I couldn't breathe and it ended with the sweetness patting me on the back "Mommy ok. Mommy ok!" Not asking, but telling me that I was ok.

I thought I was getting better. House-wise.

It's hard to write about what God is teaching me if I'm not actually learning anything new. It's hard to learn anything new if I'm not actually spending time with Him. It's hard to sit down and read my Bible when all I have been doing at home is sleeping. The moment that I feel a slight sliver better than the minute before, I fill it with stuff that I think I need to do.

I thought I was getting better. Heart-wise.

It's so easy for me to feel like Proverbs 31 is a smack in the face of how far away I am from who I really want to be rather than a positive goal to strive for. I can see now that this sickness is begging me to slow down and just sit in His presence.

I will try to get better.