Rational thinking

Today, my head is completely rational. This is an accomplishment considering the major sleep deprivation I have subjected it to. But can I just say that rational thoughts don't always make sense? It doesn't make sense because this is an emotional and relational world. If it was completely rational then marriages would be established like a business agreement. When the agreement was no longer beneficial for both parties, a consensual decision would be reached to terminate the relationship. There would be no heartache, no wishful thinking, no broken hearts, no missed memories. There would be no insecurities because you either were both contributing members of the relationship or you weren't. Cut and dry.

That just sounds so nice right now. I know that the happy wouldn't be as happy, but sometimes it seems kinda worth it. Maybe I just need a vacation. Maybe I'm just a little burnt out.

I carried her. I felt her move inside me. I stayed up nights dreaming of what she would look like. I prayed earnestly over her. I took care of her in the hospital alone. I fed her alone. I changed her diapers alone. I stayed up nights with her alone. I gave her baths alone. I have provided for her alone. I have cared for her alone. I have held her when she cried alone. I have cleaned up her sickness alone. I have worried about her in the middle of the night alone. I have gone through birthdays, Christmas and other holidays alone.

But I have to share her now?

I shouldn't be sitting alone in a room full of people with their significant others.

Shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't. That stupid word that holds no value or weight in this world. I can't control what should and shouldn't be because I can only control my reactions. I know this, but that truth doesn't stop how it makes me feel.

I just want to be rational. I don't want to feel anymore. I'm too tired to feel today.

At least this is how I feel right this moment.

And because the Lord is good, I know I won't feel like this for long.
I know that God will quiet my Spirit and give me rest.
I know that He is there to hold me up when it's just really hard to keep walking.
I know that He will validate me and get rid of my insecurities.
I know that He will restore my heart to overflowing.
Because He is good. He is always, always good.
He provides. He loves. He empowers.