Oh my word this is right up my alley. Lately, I have been thinking about what I do and why I do it. I have been conscious about the words spoken to others and about myself. I have been intentionally aware of the thoughts that automatically generate in my head. Sometimes I have been pleasantly surprised as I notice the positive habits that I have developed over the last couple months. Sometimes I have been discouraged at the old habits and thoughts that creep back up and try to take a spot of authority. And even then looking back I realize that instead of immediately laying these things at the feet of the perfect creator, I try to adjust things myself. I turn knobs and push buttons to create an even bigger mess than before. I scold myself that if I just had more discipline then I could change my ways. I try to force this carcass into a mold that just plain won't fit.
The perfect example is my "dieting". If I just try to live a healthier life by changing my diet, working out and making smart choices, I obtain great success with ease. At the end of September, I made a mental note that I would run every day, eat no sweets and really crack down on my discipline. October 1 - I didn't run and I ate like crap. The trend has continued throughout the following weeks until today. Breakfast this morning consisted of 2 donuts, a kolache and a cup of coffee. I feel like CRAP in more ways than one. I'm disappointed that I didn't stick to the goals that I set even though I know they were ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with aiming for health goals, but I set the goal for something that I really had no passion to attain.
Another small example happened yesterday. I mentally made a goal to go home and deep clean my entire house. WHO DOES THAT?! I knew that my day had started at 5:00am and I wouldn't get home until 6:30pm which would leave me tired and ready to relax. I knew that I would want to spend time with the sweetness who I hadn't seen all day. I knew that I would walk into my house and feel overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done and just shut down. AND THEN I knew that in the back of my mind that just the mere fact that I was thinking about wanting to clean my house, it really wouldn't happen. AND THEN I was wondering if it was considered reverse psychology if I knew that I knew what I was doing by thinking those thoughts? AND THEN was it double reverse psychology because I was thinking about the consequences of how thinking that I knew that what I had previously thought about would possibly change my mind?
Oy vey.
All I know is that for both scenarios my motive and passion were not present to fuel the discipline with power or guide the discipline in the appropriate direction. These examples are small and really of no consequence to the big picture.
I have caught myself on more than one occasion falling into the same familiar rut of speaking, thinking, or acting a certain way. Now I have been charged to examine those ways and really start prodding and poking around to find the passion behind the action. This has been a slow process as I'm not very good at it yet. I feel like I have just encountered a big flood and now I have to find away to drain the water and decide whether to repair or replace my belongings. Do the passions behind my actions need to be completely thrown out and replaced or are there some that were given to me in perfect condition and just need a little fine tuning and repair? I know that the more that I examine my thoughts and am aware of the passions behind my action, it will get easier and won't be so much work. I just have to be patient and place my passion to be more like Jesus one step at a time instead of my desire to be perfect right this instant.
Again, Oy Vey.
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