Breathe in, Breathe out

I said something last night. It was one of those moments, that as soon as it occurred, left a bad taste in my mouth. I laughed it off at first, but it stuck with me bouncing around in my head with no concern for the areas it was abusing.

Suddenly it was time for all of us at Life Group to sit down and share a little bit about our life. I froze.

What is my problem? I have never had an issue with sharing before. My life is an open book. I have a great story of triumph. I have a story that through all obstacles, God has been faithful and filled every void that life has created. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I nervous?

Everyone spoke leaving my turn for last. I couldn't avoid it any longer. I got to the part of my story about my failed marriage. I paused and fumbled through the next couple sentences. Honestly, I don't even remember what I said. I just remember this overwhelming feeling that I couldn't pinpoint. Then all of a sudden what I said earlier popped back in my head. When speaking about my daughter's dad, I jokingly said,

"I know how to pick 'em, huh?".

Guilt.

Guilt 'is an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in.' (Wikipedia)

Yeah, that about sums it up. I wasn't seeking God when I got married. I wasn't seriously considering how he was going to financially provide for our family. I wasn't being intentional in the relationship. I was selfish and I floated by on feelings. He made me feel beautiful and wanted. Since I wasn't seeking God for my validation, it was so easy to fall in love with what I was being told. I failed. I violated a moral standard of marriage by trusting so blindly. I trusted that he would never leave or betray me. It didn't just change my life but the life of my little girl.

Like floodgates being opened, a wave of guilt and regret rushed over me.
If  had made better choices
If I had paid attention
If I had been going to church
If I had been seeking God
If I had sought an outside source of wisdom
If...if......if..........

Then my little girl might have her dad in her life. Then we might not be struggling financially. Then we might be able to have a nice place and nice things. Then I might not feel so insecure. Then Ryot wouldn't have to experience the pain that I did growing up without my dad. Then I might have seen the signs and made better choices. Then I might not have chosen him. Then I might not have gotten married and experienced what a marriage takes to work. Then I might not have made the friends that I have now. Then I might not have had Ryot at all. Then I might still be stuck in Oklahoma. Then I might not have come to Antioch. Then I might not be so in love with Jesus as I am today. Then I might not have come to this crazy awesome realization of what really is important.

So what really is important?

This world will fade away. Having excess money, a house, nice things would be great but they will all fade away. They are temporary.
Since I am at Antioch and have surrounded myself with people who genuinely are on fire for the Lord, Ryot has a very different chance at life than I did. Hopefully I can raise her to pick up where I leave off and go further than me. I don't have to worry about the pain that not having her dad in her life. I have experienced first hand the amazing healing power of my mighty God. He has healed my heart and continues to heal me even when I choose to open old wounds that have already been covered in grace.
I wouldn't consciously change anything that has happened to me to possibly not have Ryot in my arms. I would go through it all again to experience the time that I have with my sweet little girl.
SHE IS WORTH IT. And I will work everyday to show her how cherished and loved and wanted she is.

If I had made better choices my life would be different, sure. But I didn't. I made my choices and now I have never been more satisfied or in love than I am now. It's all because of God.

I would be lying if I said that every bit of guilt is gone and vanished. Sometimes I look at my little girl and my heart just hurts. Last night as my friend Beau was playing with his daughter, I just had a moment of sadness. I so want that for Ryot. Maybe it will happen. Maybe God will bring someone in my life who will fall in love with both of us. But I know that if He doesn't, God will love Ryot and will provide for all of her needs.

It's not an easy fix. It's a process. It's a process that I have in NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM mastered. But I'm trying.

Raising a child is hard.
Raising a child by yourself is really hard.
Raising a child by yourself when you tag on guilt, failure, financial struggle, etc. is impossible.

I can't do this alone.
But Christ can do this through me.
I will take one step at a time.
One foot in front of the other. One day, one hour, one minute, one breath in and out.

Breathe in, He is in control.
Breathe out, He loves me.
Breathe in, He has chosen me for a purpose.
Breathe out, He will cover me.
Breathe in, He will provide for my needs.
Breathe out, He loves Ryot.
Breathe in, He will never leave or forsake me.
Breathe out, He has forgiven my sins.
Breathe in, He is proud of me.
Breathe out, He is with me.