Dream of Hope

People intrigue me.

So naturally, the relationships between people intrigue me. 

I solicited Google to see what the recommended searches would be for key phrases. Let's see if you are as confused as I was...actually the answers scared the living daylights out of me.

I searched "I wish my husband"

"I wish my husband would die"
"I wish my husband would leave"
"I wish my husband loves me"
"I wish my husband was dead"

I searched "I wish my wife"

"I wish my wife would lose weight"

"I wish my wife would have an affair"
"I wish my wife would love me"
"I wish my wife was this dirty"

I searched "I wish my parents"

"I wish my parents would divorce"
"I wish my parents were dead"
"I wish my parents were rich"
"I wish my parents never had me"

I searched "I want my child"

"I want my child to be gay"
"I want my child support"
"I want my childhood back"
"I want my child to be a model"

It's hard to find the words that I am feeling right now. I am devastated. I remember being at the low of the low and feeling like I couldn't breathe because of the pain I was in. There is a point of anguish and hopelessness that a person's heart can reach that is absolutely suffocating. I have been there. I know it's true. But there would have to be a lot of people in that state of desperation for it to effect the main search engine of the world. I don't wish that type of pain on anyone, and knowing that the majority of our population feels hopeless makes me angry and sad at the same time.

I just wish I could talk to these people. I wish that I could help them. I wish that I could share with them the hope that I have. I wish they understood that there is healing and hope specifically set aside for them!

Even through abuse, there is hope.
Even through neglect, there is hope.
Even through loneliness, there is hope.
Even through financial hardship, there is hope.
Even through bitterness, there is hope.
Even through depression, there is hope.
There is no area or corner in the depths of your heart that hope can't reach.

Is it a quick fix? No, of course not. But there is no such thing as ruined people. I thought I was ruined. I thought I was no good and that I had nothing to offer. Now I have a wonderful life full of love, real friendships, great successes and so much joy that will only continue to get better the farther down this life road I get.

You can change your stars.
You can write a new ending.
You can be happy.
You can have hope.

This hope is free to you as a gift from someone who loved you literally more than life itself.
It was purchased in blood.
It was purchased with you specifically in mind.
So that through His death, you could be resurrected with Him to live a life of JOY.

I dream of a search engine that will say things like
"I wish my husband would know how important he is to our family."
"I wish my wife would realize how beautiful she is."
"I wish my parents would know that I am thankful for them"
"I want my child to know they are special."

I dream of people searching for how they can make the world a better place.
It can not be ignored any more.
Too many women are in slavery to human trafficking.
Too many men are addicted to sex, drugs and pride.
Too many children are neglected or abused.
Too many people are hopeless.

I don't think this dream is too unrealistic, but it has to start somewhere.

Blitz thoughts: Good Eater, Sickness and The Croods

Blitz post!

1. My usual picky non-eater ate 4 chicken nuggets, 2 oranges and 2 servings of spaghetti. This is a miracle otherwise known as a growth spurt. 

2. I have been coughing and recently have been attacked with congestion. I took some medicine as a precautionary measure and will be doing all I can to avoid sickness like the plague. Now of only the weather would stop being bipolar.....that would help. 

3. We just watched The Croods with Ryot. I really enjoyed the animation, bright creative color schemes and that the lead girl wasn't a toothpick. I did not like the incredible lack of respect for the dad that the entire family displayed for the majority of the movie. Even though it was remedied in the end I think there are too many parts that will be mimicked by little people who watch it. 

These are my blitzed thoughts for today. My brain is foggy from this headache and sort of coming on sickness. 

Happy 30th Birthday Dustin!

It's a very special day today. Today is my big brother's birthday. I have many sisters, but only one brother. I have a lot of memories that flood to mind when I think about my brother. Memories of rollerblading through the apartment complex. Memories of big brother torture probably instigated by me being the annoying little sister...sorry bro. Memories of learning how to play Super Mario and beating the game several times. I was in awe! 

I have memories of talking to him on the phone the day my mom died. I was so scared and he made me feel so much better. I have memories of being terrified and having horrible nightmares while he was deployed with the Marines. That followed by extreme excitement, relief, and pure joy when he finally returned home and would come visit. I have memories of bragging about my big brother to all my friends. 

At 7 yrs old, I looked up to him for his Nintendo skills.

At 14 yrs old, I looked up to him for being a hero.

Now at 24 yrs old, I look up to him for being a great man after God's own heart.

I knew he was going to be a good husband before he got married; and he chose a beautiful, smart, hilarious, kind, and Godly wife that is a wonderful addition to my band of sisters.

I knew he was going to be a good dad before Addison was born; and he helped create an adorable, smiley, smart, and sweet little girl that I am lucky to call my niece.

I know he will excel in whatever he does in the future because God is on his side. 

I have enjoyed what I have gotten to experience of the first 30 years and I am definitely going to enjoy the next 30. I know that God has some awesome things planned for my brother, Heidi, Addi, and all the people that come into their lives. 

Happy 30th Birthday to my FAVORITE big brother. 

I love you.

Icy-Hot

Schools shutting down

Icy roads

Major wrecks

A little snow

Getting ready for date night 

Why am I sweating?

It's 78 degrees in my house
Turn on A/C in January

I am living proof

I am living proof that bad experiences in life can make you better and not bitter. 

I am living proof that it is possible to have joy and peace literally in the middle of life's craziest challenges.

I am living proof that healing is a process; a long, hard, terrifying, painful process, yet so worth it.

I am living proof that positive, fulfilling, life-giving existence is not possible without Jesus. 

I am living proof because HE is living proof of perfect, miraculous, self-sacrificing love and grace in me. 

Manipulative Marketing

Everyone has been talking about and sharing this commercial on social media. If you haven't seen it yet, click on the video for your viewing pleasure.

There is no doubt that the puppies are cute and the bond between the puppy and horse is endearing. Anyone with half a heart would have a smile on their face at the end of the video. I know the dog lover in me definitely held back my fingers from clicking the 'skip ad' button on YouTube. However, at the end of the commercial, I might have been the only one to think, "Well, that was dumb."

Maybe it's the realist in me. Maybe it's the passion I have for marketing and advertisement. Maybe I'm just a scrooge, but that ad had nothing to do with beer. Did the farmers help the puppies get adopted by offering the adopt-ers beer? No. Did the horse pull a carriage full of beer to the farm to attract people to adopt the puppies? No. Did the farmers get so drunk and decide to have the puppies adopted instead of keeping them? No. Did the puppy and horse drink beer from a trough together at the end? No. It had nothing to do with beer.

This is what I call manipulative marketing. Technically it's good marketing because there is no doubt that the consumer will remember this commercial. It is being shared all over the internet and talked about in circles of friends. I even saw it and shared it with my coworker who is a dog lover. The video quality is good and the story is heart-warming; both great tactics to draw and keep the consumer's attention. Because the consumer will remember this commercial and share it with others, they might go and buy Budweiser instead of whatever other brand that they see. Buying the product, increasing revenue, attracting more customer base - all things that technically make it good marketing. But do you really want to win on a technicality?

Manipulative marketing is just how it sounds. They picked at a couple strings on your emotionally driven heart harp which transferred pleasant thoughts about that company, whether it actually made you want to go buy the product or not. The commercial had nothing to do with the ice-cold refreshing taste or the low prices or the quality of the beer. The commercial had absolutely nothing to do with the actual product; and I just can't bring myself to call that good marketing.

Small digression that is still mostly on topic:
It's the same way I feel about Elvis Presley, most Classic Rock, Marilyn Monroe and a couple other people/examples. Most people love Elvis Presley right? People have Elvis ringtones, Elvis tattoos, Elvis movies, Elvis posters, Elvis art hanging on the wall, Elvis key chains, etc. Some will pay ridiculous money to get special packages of Elvis music and movies. Elvis Presley Enterprises, Inc. states that over 600,000 people visit Graceland each year. Do I think Elvis Presley played a significant role in music being what it is today? Yes. Do I admire his boldness to confidently change the face of rock and roll? Yes. But do I LOVE Elvis Presley? No. He was a horrible actor, had two dance moves and in my opinion most all of his songs sound the same. Does that make him a bad person? No. It's simply not my taste of entertainment.

Everyone has different likes and dislikes. I know a ton of people don't like country music while I like most country music. I believe that there are some people who genuinely like Elvis Presley's music; more power to them! But I would bet a generous amount of money that most people don't like Elvis for his actual talent. Mot people exclaim a generic "I LOVE Elvis!". But it always makes me wonder...Are they buying that Elvis bobble head because it's cool/cliche to like Elvis? Or maybe because it's on sale? Or are they buying it because they actually genuinely like Elvis' voice, talent, dance moves, etc? I just know I don't own anything Elvis themed because I have no reason or desire to. I can't deny people their likes and dislikes, but just being the over-analytical and curious person who is genuinely interested in the psychology of the human mind and inner workings of the heart, these sort of random thoughts wrestle my mind daily.

Digression concluded and brought back to topic:
The feelings I have toward the great Elvis obsession are on the same playing field for this commercial. My preference for what I would call a good marketing technique are much more focused on what the actual product accomplishes. This commercial would need to show someone dancing better after drinking it, quenching someone's thirst after mowing the lawn, highlighting how refreshingly cold it is, or a cheaper price for higher quality; for an adequate definition of good marketing. This way people are purposefully buying the product for what the product is, not because they were wooed by the relationship between a puppy and a horse. Random much? I think so.

Maybe you will watch the commercial, see that it is Budweiser and remember that you really do enjoy the taste of the beer so you buy it for the weekend barbecue. But don't be deceived into making a decision just because of how it makes you feel.

Call it what it is.
Like it for what it is.
Buy it for what it actually is, not for how someone made you feel about it.
Don't just drink responsibly, but choose responsibly.
(If any company, beer or any other, would like to use this for their advertisement, I would gladly make room in my schedule to discuss my marketing ideas)

I hope you gathered that this applies to much, much more than beer choice.

Writing Obstacles

I love to write. I was so ready to enter the blogging challenge for this week and it's already Wednesday with no posts. There are definitely enough topics to write about. All of the ideas swimming in my head, plus all of the experiences I have and people I converse with on a daily basis equal a ton of subject matter. So what are my obstacles?

Time and Space

Would you like to borrow my 2.5 yr old? After working a full day, cooking dinner and hanging out with her, I am exhausted and enjoying a little down time with the Mr. if I can before heading to bed. In other words, I am pretty much tired or busy all the time. So taking a moment at work to write is best. Even if I did have the energy to write all the time at home, there is the issue of space.

I don't have a computer or internet at home so if I don't write the blog post at work, I have to manage to write the post on my phone. It's horrid. First world problem? Yes, I know. But it is still difficult to see the big picture, find typos and make sure that the whole post is connecting and flowing easily. When I agree to jump into the next week's blog challenge, I already assume that I'm not going to get a post in on Saturday or Sunday because unless I already have something cooking, it's just hard to start from scratch and text it on my phone.

I really do love writing. I have full faith that my situation a year from now will be different enough to allow me more time and adequate space to write as much as I please. For now I will write when I can.

Now I am going to go put some more effort into finishing that cliffhanger! Don't get too excited because I have no idea what I'm doing!

These are my excuses. What's your excuse?

Breathing Fire In Me

My soul is weary

Exhaustion overwhelms me 

I'm grasping for air

Air that satisfies

Reaches into my worry

Finds me where I am

I Am, you declared

You say 'come to me and rest'

My burden is light

Light that is blinding

Meant to unveil what's hidden

When deep calls to deep

Deep inhale, my soul

Lungs filled to capacity

Burning ache unleashed

Unleashed as great fire

Burning up the oxygen

All I need is you

Peppermint Façade

Me: Sweetness, guess what we are going to do?

Me: We are going to get ice cream!
Sweetness: OH YAY!

Me: Are you excited?
Sweetness: YEAH!

As we were leaving the restaurant to go get ice cream, the cashier gave her a peppermint. She almost threw a fit in the car asking me to open it.

Me: Look, we are here!
Sweetness: Opit! (open it)
Me: We can leave the mint in the car.
Sweetness: My ca-cane! Opit? (my candy cane. open it)
Me to Mr: She has this whole ice cream shop and she wants that peppermint? Is she seriously teaching us about life right now?
Mr. to Me: That sounds like a future blog post.
Sweetness: Pock ca-cane? (wanting to put the candy cane in her pocket)
Me: Yeah sure, put the little peppermint in your pocket to save it for a rainy day...ON YOUR WAY to the ice cream store where you can have whatever you want. Is this Jesus talking right now?
The Mr. chuckled a little as we made our way to the ice cream store where I'm pretty sure the Sweetness instantly forgot about the peppermint.

How many times have I done that? With my relationships? With my decisions? With my finances? How many times have I stressed over money when the Creator of the Universe has always provided for me and promises to continue to do so in the future. How many times have I held on to guilt and shame when I have been forgiven for what I've done AND what I will do in the future? I have the whole world and beyond as my playground. 

It's been difficult to learn to think outside the box; a lot more difficult than I thought. I imagined spreading my wings and soaring on the winds of freedom and fire but some days I still find myself sitting in the car holding on to that peppermint. It's much easier to live life only making the decisions that you know the outcome to. But easy is boring, and really, truly unsatisfying. Theres so much more joy, freedom and fulfillment when we jump freely knowing we will fly than permanently being grounded and controlled by the perimeters of social standards. 

I want to dance and sing because I just can't contain my love for Him. I want to ask personal questions to really get to know someone instead of merely saying hello. I want my arms to be exhausted from embrace and acceptance rather than pushing so hard to create distance.

 The cashier was being kind by offering the sweetness the peppermint. The world is full of kind, good honorable things that still can draw you away from the bigger pocture. Open your senses. Say yes. Don't settle for anything less than beautiful breath taking glory. 

It's so kind of you to offer, but no thank you, I do not like peppermints. 

Soak it up

Shifting to the right doesn't help.
Maybe if I sit up straight?
No, I'm too short.
I can't duck down and still drive safely.
There's nothing to the left that would block it.

I can't escape this blinding light.

I squint my eyes to try to focus on what I CAN see instead of what I WANT to see.
There it is.
I can see the way; the road, the lines and street signs.
That's all I need.
I know where I'm supposed to go.

So I will soak up the sun and feel His smile on me.

Regardless of

Another tearful temper tantrum when dropping the Sweetness off at daycare. 

Another slew of apologies to her teachers for her screaming at them. 

Another heartbreaking drive away from my baby.

7:26am Only 11 more hours until I see her again. 

This sucks.

I wish I could have just turned around and gone home. I can teach her far more than her day care can with one on one attention. 

That's not my reality right now. My reality is dropping her off at the best daycare that I can afford. I know they love her there. I know she really does love it there once I leave. I have done the best that I can to choose a place that she will be taught, be loved on and be safe. 

My reality is that I definitely appreciate every moment I do get with her. I have my stressful moments. There are times that I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. At that moment all I can do is love. 

I have to choose to love my life. 

Regardless of my dislikes

Regardless of the things I want to change

Regardless of my insecurities

Regardless of my mistakes

Regardless of wrongdoing against me

Regardless of pinching pennies

Regardless of exhaustion

Regardless of bad days

I have to choose to love my life, this day, this moment. 

It's all I've got. 

I refuse to waste the moments I do have on anything less than ridiculous, mind-boggling, contagious joy. 

I can't change what could have been or what used to be. But I can alter what may be by what is. And what is, is beautiful and it's mine. 

One bad apple DOES NOT spoil the bunch

I know that sometimes I contradict myself in words and deeds. Often I don't make sense at all. It's not a new thing and it's not something I'm oblivious to. I am the worst sinner I know. I'm going to hurt you at some point. One day, I will say or not say something that will rub you the wrong way. Sometimes I'm going to be down-right selfish. It's not my goal to be this way, but it happens. I'm human. I've heard it said that 'the church' is full of hypocrites. You're RIGHT! There are some people who are just plain fake. That is a fact. Then there are some people like me who make mistakes but really are trying to learn, grow and infuse joy into our interactions so that others see Jesus. I don't know where you have gone to church, but if you walked into my church you would find people who genuinely care about you, your story and getting to know God more through worship, service, community and the teaching of the Word.

You don't stop going to a University because of one bad teacher.
You don't stop eating food because you had one bad meal.
You don't stop going to church because of one bad person, group of people or even one whole bad experience.

Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

John 4:23-24 Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.

How do you plead?

'And how do you plead?'

'Guilty, your Honor.'

I heard those words recently in a courtroom; and not just once but several times. There were a lot of people at court for tickets and every time I heard those words it was like a piercing to my soul; a reminder of what used to be.

You see, growing up I was stuck in all of these horrible cycles. There are so many things that pull at you in life, especially when you are in the impressionable age of high school. I wanted to be me, but I wanted to be liked and those weren't meshing well together. So some days I would be me and eat lunch by myself; some days I would dress and act to fit in and have friends. Both were pretty miserable, actually. I wanted to be a straight A student but that definitely was not happening. What was misconstrued into feelings of stupidity and laziness were really just bad foundations of basic math and lack of support in learning. This is the extent of my Algebra knowledge.

It just doesn't make sense to me. And I hated myself for it.

There were so many lies I believed and so many expectations that I couldn't possibly live up to.

In high school I thought...
if I made straight A's
if I made the winning score
if I played piano
if I wore makeup
if I sang well
if I served on every missions trip

After highschool I thought...
if I had a good job
if I made a lot of money
if I had a good boyfriend
if I was independent

When I got married I thought...
if I kept the house clean
if I cooked delicious meals
if I was never too "tired" or "had a headache"
if I just did whatever he wanted to do
if I looked good enough

When I had my daughter I thought...
if I did everything my family and my friends and random people in Wal-Mart tell me to do
if she was dressed the best
if she hit milestones first
if I spent hours getting her to say "mama"
if I sacrificed all of "me" time for her

After the divorce I thought...
There is just no way I can be good enough. I did everything physically, emotionally and mentally possible to be good enough and I failed.

This was the grand lie that brought me to my knees.

You see, I couldn't be good enough. Even if you didn't make the decisions I made in life, you won't ever be good enough.  This is the grand beauty of life. It truly is a gift. I don't have to be right all the time. I don't have to have the perfect hair, or photo-shopped body. I don't have to be the smartest or the best at anything. I don't have to have all the answers. I am loved. Just as I am right now. Christianity isn't about striving to be good enough. It's about being enough just as I am. I am enough by simply breathing.

Inhale, exhale. I am loved.
Inhale, exhale. I am cherished.
Inhale, exhale. I am created with a unique set of talents, emotions and character traits that have a purpose.
Inhale, exhale. I am beautiful.
That's it. Just by breathing.

I love what Graham Cooke has to say about it:

"I don't get this whole judgment thing on the Earth. I feel our message of the Gospel of the Kingdom is a happy message: Joy has come! God is restoring people to joy, and He loves nothing better than turning sinners into saints!"

The whole time that I was trying and striving and working towards being good enough I never once stopped to ask "Good enough for what?". Who was I trying to please? Who matters? Christianity isn't about a bunch of rules that you have to live up to. God's not crowding over you with a checklist of how many times you cursed or yelled at your kids or didn't say a prayer before a meal. You don't have to have all your ducks in a row in life, all the answers to every scientific problem or every single priority of theological beliefs in perfect symmetry. God is actively pursuing a relationship with you exactly as you are right in this moment. He is in the business of making nothings into somethings and somethings into greater somethings. It is the foundation of His character to love, forgive and set FREE.

I was guilty, but God showed mercy. 

I was lost, but God sought after me. 

I was running, but God welcomed me home. 

I was sad, but God overflowed my heart with joy. 

I was empty, but God has blessed me ten-fold. 

How do you plead?

I still love her

She wants to sit in my lap but she doesn't want me to touch her. 

She wants bread but throws it on the ground when I give it to her. 

She wants to go to the park...at 8:30pm.

She wants cookies. 

She wants to lay down but not to cover her. 

Just kidding she wants me to cover her but just not her feet. 

She wants she wants she wants. 

I want Starbucks and a back rub but I would totally be ok with just Starbucks...on tap....or an IV. 

That would work too. 

I still love her. 

Lots. 

WWC: Cliffhanger

The following post is in participation of the Weekly Writing Challenge: Cliffhanger as promoted at Wordpress.com. I was really nervous about writing a piece like this. I've never ventured in this arena, but wanted to do something I've never done before. Enjoy my Cliffhanger!



Sam heard the doorknob slowly turn, but kept his eyes closed. The pitter-patter of little feet across the hardwood floor made it clear that he couldn't push back the day any longer. 

"Be quiet, he's still sleepy." He heard a quiet whisper accompanied with a fit of stifled giggling as the two little girls tip-toed back out of the room. This, however, was not the truth. It was the first time he was able to close his eyes all night. He let a deep breath out and the uncontrollable sobbing overcame him; shaking his whole body. For the past three hours he had replayed the memories over and over like on a looping reel. He revisited the unanswered questions until it seemed they would consume him entirely. Even after almost two decades, he could recall the day he got the news.

He begrudgingly got out of bed, splashed some water on his face and put eye drops in his blood shot eyes. Turning the water off, he braced himself against the vanity. He didn't even recognize the face he saw in the mirror. Dark circles ringed his eyes and what used to be laugh lines had turned into wrinkles of worry that settled in permanently. A slight smile curved his lips as he imagined what she would have said. When he closed his eyes, he could almost feel her slender hand softly running through his now grey hair and on his neck. She would probably laugh and tease him about being old. He would never come up with a proper rebuttal because there was only a few months in between their ages.

He grabbed an old family photo from a camping trip one summer as regret began washing over him; that familiar flood of guilt and opportunities lost. He ran his finger over his wife's face behind the glass of the frame. He remembered how she desperately wanted more children, but he wanted to travel the world. They argued about it on this trip until she finally got her way, as per usual. She somehow was able to convince him that they could do both. They made love that trip by the lake under the moonlight with the trust that what was supposed to happen would happen. He could hear her voice exactly as she had said it then, 'Oh, let it be Sam'.

He never imagined he would lose her entirely. He never thought he would only be able to smell her from her half empty bottle of perfume on her dresser. It never crossed his mind that he would miss her icy cold toes being shoved under his legs when she crawled into bed. Or how she insisted that they hold hands or be touching somehow constantly. Or that she was in her words, 'fashionably late' everywhere they went. He didn't care if he had to be late to everything for the rest of his life, he would give up anything to hear her laugh and see her eyes light up when she looked at him again.

"Oh my sweet Elizabeth. I miss you." He whispered with a deep sigh.

Suddenly he heard a soft knock at the bathroom door. A brief moment of panic jolted him from his daydream.
"What." He snapped, instantly regretting the harshness of his tone.
"Dad, Morgan and Lainey made you breakfast.", a soft voice came from behind the door.
"I'll be out in a second, sweetheart", he replied in a much calmer tone.
The door opened and Sam saw his daughter with tears welling in her eyes.
"Not now, Dina please, not now." Sam gave her a quick hug, "We don't even know what information they have." he said as he walked in the closet to change his clothes.
"I know, but it's still about the case. It just makes me nervous." Dina said quietly.
She sat on the counter like she used to do when she was a little girl. She remembered how her dad used to come out of the closet wearing mismatching outfits just to make her giggle. She used to love picking out his ties on the days he had important business meetings. He always said that she was his good luck charm. But he wasn't that man anymore.
"How do I look?" he asked her as he tried to fix his tie.
"Handsome as always." She replied with a smile as she helped him with his tie, although the black tux was ill-fitting from all the weight he had lost from stress over the years.
"Thanks peanut." He said as he flashed her a fake smile and kissed her forehead.
Dina grabbed her dad's hand, they both took a deep breath and walked out to the kitchen.

Sam spent the rest of the morning trying his hardest to put on a happy face for his granddaughters. He ate the breakfast that they made for him letting them see his enjoyment with every bite. Morgan begged him to let her tie his shoelaces since she had just learned how at kindergarten. Of course he couldn't say no and let her try several times while he finished his coffee. The first grandchild from both sides of the family, Morgan was accustomed to getting what she wanted. She was so gentle and mild-tempered that she rarely asked for anything that he would be unwilling to give. They were so alike in this way that he had to guard his emotions carefully around her so she wouldn't feed off his nerves.

A loud thump brought his attention to Lainey in the hallway where he couldn't help but smile. Morgan peeked around the corner and erupted in laughter falling to the floor. Almost 3 years old, Lainey could barely drag her grandpa's briefcase out of the hall closet. Her auburn pig tails already a mess and her miss-matched pajamas a couple sizes too big painted a picture too cute for words. Often he questioned how it was possible that so much spirit and spunk could be contained in such a little body. Lainey was the spitting image of her mother, Dina, with a special spark that instantly won the spotlight everywhere she went. Sam knew that Elizabeth would have had a special place in her heart for Lainey like he naturally had for Morgan.

Sam gave hug after hug and kiss after kiss to the girls until Dina distracted them so he could close the door. The drive to his lawyer's office was short and silent. His hands shook as he unbuckled his seat belt in the parking lot. He grabbed his briefcase and locked the doors in his systematic way as if he were on autopilot. He didn't understand what could have possibly changed in the case. They had gone over the evidence, narrowed down the most probable facts of the story and solidified the verdict. Much was unresolved because they couldn't find her body, but there was no known reason that the case should be revisited so many years later.

He was greeted by a new receptionist as soon as he walked in the door. She was obviously new and strangely nervous as she led him down the halls. The phone at the front desk began to ring so she asked him to please have a seat in the first room on the left and she turned to answer the phone. He walked across the empty office room to the gaze out of the window at the golden painted fall trees in the park. Footsteps turned his attention toward the door.

"Oh I'm sorry. She said to wait in this room. Maybe it was a mistake." a beautiful girl no more than 20 years old stood in the doorway. She gently tucked some long auburn strands of hair behind her ear to reveal a face full of freckles and the deepest brown eyes.
"I don't want to impose. I could go ask her. Or maybe I should just wait?" She laughed nervously as she took a couple steps into the room.

With perfect timing, Sam's lawyer walked into the room.
"Sam, there's someone I'd like you to meet."

Remembering

I walk past her slowly to not startle her. I can't help but notice the elegance she carries in her air. She is so carefully poised in her stance and stature; not one grey hair is out of place. She makes her way down the aisle as she considers every card. This time she paused. She took a deep breath and softly ran her fingers over the printed flowers.

There is a soft gleam in her eye.
A sweet smile on her lips.
She's remembering.

January Cure: Set Up an Outbox

January Cure: Set up an Outbox

Yesterday's assignment was to set up an outbox. They describe more fully what an outbox is here at www.apartmenttherapy.com. Considering I am trying to get rid of my coffee table, it is only a temporary outbox. Right now I have some books on it that are NOT a part of the outbox, but I don't have a book shelf to put them on so for now they will stay there. I like the idea of the Outbox. It's a nice holding place for the things that need a home.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Apart from the challenge I did 3 loads of laundry last night, organized the clothes that I will be giving to my niece and picked up some random clutter around the house while the sweetness and I watched Igor. She loves the movie so much and it's so great to see her face lighting up.

This morning we watched Psalty the singing songbook which is just a wonderful stroll down memory lane for me. I was surprised at the number of songs that I actually remembered! I just hope that these songs can sink in so she can always have joy in her heart and praises on her lips!

God is great, God is good.

He kept His promise like He said He would.

God is great, God is good.

Blessed be the name of the Lord!

January Cure: 10 Mindful Minutes

All those unaware of the January Cure, you can visit the website here. It's never too late to make a fresh start to organization! Even if you don't participate in the January Cure, they have many other helpful resources on their website. I encourage you to check them out! I have committed to liveblogging through the January Cure, so hopefully I will have some progress and pictures to post along the way!

January Cure - Assignment #3

Wait, where did Assignment #1 & #2 go? I came in a little late to the January Cure challenge. The first assignment was to create a project list. I have an ongoing project list constantly of things that I want and need done to my home so that was already taken care of. The second assignment was a good floor scrubbing. I have halfway completed this one and am currently on hold to finish it for two reasons:

1. I don't have a small portable vacuum for the stairs. Because of this I would have to lug my huge heavy vacuum from the stone ages up each individual stair. I have been having pretty terrible back pain so I think plainly pushing through this one would be ill-advised. 

2. I can't vacuum the floors upstairs until there is a floor to vacuum. Currently it is covered with both mine and the sweetness' mid-finished laundry and boxes of clothes to throw away, give away and save for the summer time. I just finished going through all of the clothes before I started the challenge and have yet to wrap that project up. 

So on to Assignment #3: 10 Mindful Minutes

Task #1: Look around the room and try to imagine what it would look like empty. Recall what it was like when you moved in. 

I sat on my stairs by the front door. I saw clutter in the furthest corner from me. Anxiety! Oh, how the anxiety was building! I hate that corner! I remember moving in. I remember loving the layout of the living and dining room. I remember a fresh clean canvas that I could fill with whatever I wanted. Then I remember a swift kick in the gut of reality saying "Hello, you're broke, kid!" So now what graces the corner is some boxes of checks, bills unsorted, a box of toys that need to be donated, some stationary and a good pile of miscellaneous junk that needs to find a home or be thrown away. The table that all the clutter is sitting on was a wonderful blessing from my Aunt Nita. I wont keep the table forever. It will eventually go to bless someone new and I will get something else for myself. Then there's the corner. A medium-grade treadmill wedged in between the wall and the dining room table. Literally wedged so that I have to get on the treadmill by crawling on to it from the front under the display screen in between the side bars. I've already gotten my money's worth of use out of it, but it is still an eye sore to all who walk in my living room.

I also walked upstairs to my bedroom. I see the clutter of the clothes, the mismatching furniture at first. Then like a smack in the face I see wall/corner by the window which screams problem area! It's not quite hoarder status, but it is far more messy than I would like. The biggest eye sore is the sweetness' crib that is half-way taken apart in the corner. At one point I think I had about seven allen wrenches in my house somewhere and they all have disappeared. As if in some manor of mutiny they all convened to refuse to be a part of my project de-clutter. I have been abandoned! As soon as one of them returns to me, or I can borrow one from a helpful friend, my only other option is a sledge hammer. Since the thought of using a sledge hammer brings up horrifying images of Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball video, I will wait for an allen wrench. I don't need to bring those nightmares on myself. I'm certain you see my dilemma here. I'm in a bind!

Task #2: Once you have done that, focus on whatever part of the room that you feel is the most problematic and imagine removing the "stuff" from that area - furniture, belongings, everything. Now, start rebuilding that area, adding back in only what feels right and looks good in your minds eye.

Task #3: Make note of what changes you envision and move forward with some additional clarity about how you truly want your home to be; what you need and what you can move forward without.

A short time ago I took a test that based on my answers to several multiple choice questions, showed that I am primarily right brained. I truly was shocked with my results. Through a deep inner reflection and the much needed feedback from my friends of my likes, dislikes, home, office, and other areas that would feed into this result, I realized that I am indeed right-brained the majority of the time. It was just in a different way than I realized. I had always related the right-brain with paint, but anything I paint would end up in a Contemporary Art Museum with the title "Untitled" probably leaving the viewer with a confused look on their face. (What was she thinking? No one knows, reader, no one knows). Drawing the digression back to point, these second and third tasks were difficult for me. If you ask what I don't like, I can easily tell you. When you ask me to picture rebuilding the area I will stare at your blankly and anxiety will immediately begin to swell. What do I want it to look like? I don't know, just better. What changes do I want to make? I don't know, just different than whats there now.

As far as changes in my living room go, there's not a phenomenal amount of changes I actually can make due to budget and space constraints. So for now I have resolved to clear off the clutter and possibly get some sort of nice centerpiece for the table so that it will brighten the corner up a bit. Since the treadmill is over there I think it would be best to keep decorations to a minimum...but then again, I don't know.

The upstairs is a different story. I know exactly what I need/would like to do.

- Night Stands on either side of my bed - I saw something cool on Pinterest and I know my handy Mr. can make it happen. Because he is amazing like that.
- Remove boxes of clothes and any other clutter
- Put shelf that I just bought and the Mr. put together for me under the window so that I have a good place for the sweetness' toys.
- Hang curtains
- Take apart the sweetness' crib and get rid of it

These are tangible things that I can do. The challenge specifically told me not to jump in to do the tasks but to trust the process, so I will just reflect today. It will be done soon enough! I will update again soon!

Thinking Place

I was surfing the internet during my "lunch break" uesterday. Well, really I was surfing the internet while eating my lunch while on a conference call during a webinar training for a program I already know how to use, but that's neither here nor there. There were some blogging prompts that caught my attention. This one in particular immediately had me jumping to my blog to start writing.

"When and where do you do your best thinking? In the bathroom? While running? Just before bed, or first thing in the morning? On the bus? Why do you think that is?"

I immediately knew the answer...in my car. You see, this whole mommy business, single or married with a helpful partner, is just that - a business. It takes planning, organization, patience, communication, energy, finances, emotional agility and mental alertness. I could write forever and turn this into another "mommy post", but y'all have already gotten a taste of what this fabulous role of motherhood is all about from my perspective on a lot of my other posts.

As soon as I get little girl buckled in her car seat, I usually turn on some music as per her request. I will get in my seat, buckle up, and look in the rear view mirror that is slightly angled so I can see my little angel's sweet face. Then we are off to our destination. From this point there is no telling where my mind will wander in wondering. It's the one time that I have to actually sit and not do any sort of busy work. I'm not at home folding laundry while making sure the sweetness isn't playing with the scissors or writing on the wall. I'm not at work answering emails while the phone is ringing. I'm not grocery shopping trying to check things off my list. I'm sitting very still in the car driving to my routine places; almost on autopilot.

While driving, I might notice the trees and how they sway. I might think to myself,
How can someone cut down such a beautiful living creation? 

I might debate about the necessity of having paper.
What about tree farms; purposefully planting trees to cut them down for our daily use? Maybe we could go back to the barter system to get rid of money all together. It's a nice idea but that wouldn't work because the majority of people are either not honest or they don't want to work hard to earn their keep. It would, however, do away entirely with our welfare system. We wouldn't have to worry about drug testing or how much money is being dispersed. We would simply provide the widowed mother of young kids the opportunity to cook and clean for us as a payment for a place to stay. It would be a community gathering around the people in need. We would allow people in our lives, our space. We would have to intentionally make the decision to care about people and America is far too busy for that. Maybe if people saw the beauty and peace in real community, it would change their perspective. That's what the church is supposed to do. The church really could change the world if we got serious about loving people. 

For me, driving in the car is a clean canvas, a blank tape, the pause button on life, a direct line of communication, a brand new book, an empty journal, a spotless slate, a sweet moment of peace, a safe place to process.

Road trip, anyone?

It's Life

I was lost in pondering for a short time today. I kept asking myself, "What happened a year ago?" What did I do a year ago? What was happening in the world a year ago?" I used the wonderful world wide web to search January 6, 2013. I somehow landed on an article from the LA Times.

Some of these things I knew about. Some of them I didn't. 

Some of them will be remembered. Some won't.

I wonder if the stock broker remembers whatever crisis their boss was yelling at them about. 

I wonder if the child can recall what they learned in school.

I wonder if the mom is still distraught about the sharpie on the living room wall.

I wonder what things I put hope or effort or stress into that I won't remember in a year.

Or a month? 

Or even a week from now?

What is important?

What matters?

Anything left is just a waste.

You might call me intense. 

I call it LIFE.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8

My Little Helper

I have a full schedule today. The Mr. has done an incredible job of planning my weekends jam-packed with fun activities. So when the sweetness woke me up this morning I knew I had to hit the floor running. 

I get downstairs, turn on some music. First song Kutless. I can defintely handle that. I pour the sweetness some chocolate milk. No verbal thank you but she smiles at me while inhaling her morning 'coffee'. I start a load of laundry in the washer, get my cup of coffee, and sit on the living room floor to begin folding a basket of clothes that has been sitting in my living room for a couple days. After the sweetness finishes her milk she very charismatically says that she is cold as she shivers and freezes standing beside me. I pull her in my lap and cover her with he blanket and we start folding laundry. 

I love how she chooses to help me on her own. She so proudly boasts that she is helping me. She excitedly grabs clothes out of the basket, folds them in her best 2 yr old attempt and then makes a pile. All from just watching me and wanting to help. The best part is all the kisses and hugs I'm getting while doing this mundane task. She helps fold a shirt then 'mommy kiss it?'  Then she helps me find a match to a sock and says 'mommy wuv woo. Look I did it!' And jumps in my arms for a hug. Sure it may take 30 minutes to fold these clothes but I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

I just hope and pray that God will shape and mold my heart so that I can exhibit other qualities she will want to imitate. Qualities of self-love that is not selfish but confident. Qualities of compassion for Gods people and hard work so to avoid idle hands. I hope to help facilitate an atmosphere of love and acceptance to encourage her to be the person that she wants to be and ultimately the woman that God has created to excel and change the world. 

She can be anything, do anything. And I get to be a part of that. My heart overflows with gratitude for the opportunity to be her mommy. 

And this is just the beginning. 

The Mommy Shower

You know those days where you get to turn on the hot water in the shower and let the bathroom heat up with the door closed?

You know those quiet 10-20 minutes you get to let the hot water wash over you as you enjoy the silence or whatever music you enjoy and the warmth of the water?

You know that feeling of wrapping a warm towel around you as you leisurely dry off?

If you answered yes, you either have no small children that live in the house or you have a spouse that actually helps you with the kids. 

For the rest of you reading, I'm sure you will empathize with me concerning my shower yesterday. 

Me: sweetness, do you want to take a shower?

Sweetness: no. Watch show?

Me: that's perfect. Ok stay here while mommy jumps in the shower really quick. 

*turn on Barbie Magic of Pegasus for the 82nd time*

Me: stay here, watch the movie and mommy will be right back. 

*look at the clock...11:17 am*

*turn on the shower as I get in. Step in cold water and begin washing my hair and face at the same time.*

Sweetness: mommy, milt? Chochet milt?

Me: watch your movie babe I'll be out in a minute

Sweetness: Otay.

Sweetness: mommy

Sweetness: mommy?

Sweetness: MOMMMMYYYYYY

Me: what, sweets? 

Sweetness: not works

*look down to see her opening the shower curtain trying to give me the tv remote*

Me: ok, please go sit down and I will fix it. 

Sweetness: here's your phone mommy?

*handing me my phone in the shower*

Me: thank you. Please put it on the counter. 

*wash the rest of me very quickly and turn off the water right as it decides to get hot. Step out into cold air and quickly dry off and throw my hair in the towel.*

Sweetness: mommy, it works, see?

*see that her movie is working just fine.*

*Look at clock.........11:21 am*

Silver lining:

My skin is exfoliated from scrubbing so hard and fast. 

Skymall Inscription

I wrote in a Skymall magazine on the plane. I know, I know...

Close your eyes...Well, don't close your eyes, keep reading this post. But close the eyes of your mind.
Picture a cute little tea cup.
Cute, of course is optional. I suppose you could picture an ugly tea cup if you'd like.
It's all the same to me.
So, picture any sort of small tea cup.
Picture a pitcher. (say that five times fast)
As the water from the pitcher pours into the cup, it slowly fills up to the brim so that the cup can hold no more.
But it doesn't stop there.
The water continues to pour without regard of the perimeter of the tea cup until it is overflowing.
Water spilling over the sides on to the table.
An act of normal nature, the water slides across the table spreading rapidly and covering the surface.

The word of God, His light, His presence is just like that water. You can't be filled with the purest joy and not overflow to the people around you. It's too good, too rich, too precious to allow to lay stagnant. The word of God is living, moving, breathing. God is not dead and He will not remain silent. His voice rages like the sea. His mercy swift like the wind. His ways are righteous and just. He's strong, yet meek. Pure and powerful. Invasive and chiseling, out of love He seeks to get rid of the things that are not helpful to his children. God speaks with no perimeter of our end. What He speaks He will give grace to understand and insight to go forth in obedience. His natural act of nature is to fill and empower. His Spirit dwelling in us, His voice speaking to us, His words overflowing to the world around us.

Sitting on the plane, I couldn't just keep this treasure to myself. I had to share it. I couldn't help but think that someone else needed to be blessed with His words as well.

"God loves you for who you are, exactly as you are right now. He doesn't care what you've done in the past, but wants a real, loving, communicating relationship with who you are today. You are chosen. You are accepted. You are loved. God loves you. He loves you. God loves YOU."

Hopefully someone will be blessed when they read it, but who knows. Maybe someone will rip it out and throw it away. But they will have read it before they rip it up. Maybe it will plant some seeds of something greater that is longing for love inside of them. I don't know what will happen.

The possibilities are endless...and that is exciting.

My New Year Resolution 2014

We have completed yet another year. I now have survived Y2K, several hurricanes, several predictions of the world ending, economic droughts, and an incredible, yet terrifying, year of single mommyhood. I can say without a doubt that God has held me through it all and provided for me the whole time. He provided financially, mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. He placed people and opportunities in my path that gave me hope and great fellowship. He spoke to me in the soft whisper that only He can do. He revealed to me areas that need more chiseling and areas of great accomplishment and improvement. Through it all, He has remained steadfast and faithful to His word. He saved my life. He restored my soul and breathed new life into my weak, achy bones.

There are several things that I plan to do differently in the year 2014. Not fad changes but just a progression of life alterations. Changes in parenting with a more peaceful and accepting approach. Changes to my family dynamic as several new relationships grow. Changes to have more diligence in my home organization. Planning for upcoming changes in the year 2014. I'm excited for the stretching, the growing. I'm excited for the expanded mind. I'm excited to become more open-hearted to God's people. I'm yearning to be more in tune with the Holy Spirit. I'm desperately seeking His voice; just for Him to speak and move.

I feel so honored and grateful for the works that I have already been a part of in the year 2013. I just know that I was made for even more. So, what's my New Years Resolution? Be attentive, listen and move.

Here I am, Lord. Send me.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! 

I really can't believe how the holiday is literally upon us. I feel as though I blinked and two weeks were instantly fast forwarded to today. Buying gifts, slicing wrapping paper, Christmas parties, delicious food, family get togethers and of course normal day to day life has made the past two weeks so much fun, yet so busy. 

As I lay here in bed this morning, I can't help but swell with emotion for all the things I am grateful for. 

Right now my serenade is the soft rhythmic hum of little baby snores. She isn't to the age yet of running into my room to wake me up really early in anticipation of opening presents...and I'm so grateful. I'm going to soak up the last bit of 'baby' that is left in my otherwise wildly independent little girl. 

Right now I have Christmas presents under the tree from me, friends, unlikely people (that is another blog post in and of itself), and a wonderful Mr. who is joyfully choosing to tackle this crazy holiday with me. I couldn't ask for more. 

God has truly blessed my life in so many ways. He has answered prayers that I voiced to my beautiful community of prayer warriors, and he has answered the prayers that were so sacred to my heart that they were never shared. 

This Christmas, I am blessed beyond comprehension. 

This Christmas, I have been given the greatest gifts of all without touching the ones under the tree. 

This Christmas, I am kneeling before my Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace. 

My prayer today is that peace that really does surpass all understanding will reign in the hearts of all of my friends and family today. Peace regardless of loved ones lost. Peace that covers all wars; spiritual, physical, domestic, international. Peace that makes lasting memories with relatives near and far from our hearts. And lastly my prayer is that we will extend grace and love to all who cross our path because it has been extended to us far greater than we could ever repay. 

I love you, you who are reading this. I say it with all sincerity. 

Insideoutwardswords

My conversations with the Mr. yesterday.

*holding up a shirt*
'I think the shirt is inside outwards'

'Outwards? Is that a word?'

'Yeah I think so. Inward, outward'

'But I don't think it's plural.'

'It is now'

'Its just the same like I'm trapped in a dungeon and a dragon is climbing up to get me.'

'Not even close considering a dungeon is underground....'

'Well, he would be crawling up from the depths of the earth.'

'...yeeeaahhhhh ok...'

'I'm going to lay in bed, write a blog post and go to sleep. I don't really want to write, but if I write I will become a better writer. Then I will write a book and be on the New York Best Book Seller's list and make millions.'

'New York Times Best Seller List.' 

'....yeah, ya know, whatever'

This is exactly why I write. I'm sure by now my mind and tongue are jealous of my love affair between my typing fingers and the backspace key. It's nice to be able to try new phrases, use spell check and look up correct meanings of words. I find myself often asking, "Did that even make sense?" as I second guess my choice of words. At the end of the day I just have to trust that what was meant to be heard was heard and what was misconstrued will be brought to my attention to rectify.

My words are as inside outwards as that shirt. Don't question it, just go with the flow.

The Wonder

There are few interactions as intentional as a two year old waiting for/helping with cracking peanuts. I loved watching her wait in wonder as she had never experienced this before. I loved how bright her eyes lit up as she showed me the magic she was witnessing. I loved when she out her hand on his arm waiting patiently for his assistance. 

 Don't lose the anticipation. Don't lose the excitement. Don't lose the wonder. 

10pm

Hello my dear,

It's been a long while since we have been together. I can't remember the last time that we met. I miss you. I miss the deep breath of air and relaxation that you provide when I choose to meet you where you are. I know you are always there for me. I'm sorry for ignoring you. Please forgive me.

I love you, 10pm. 

I promise to spend more time with you this week because staying up late is so overrated. 

Sweet dreams...for me...literally. 

Kayla Jo

Christmas Lights

I love Christmas. I love Christmas lights. I really can't wait to have a home so I can help light up the street for Christmas light enthusiasts like myself. It's true Christmas is always wonderful but it's even more wonderful this year. This year I had someone to hold my hand as we said our ooo's and ahh's over the display of lights. This year I had someone to laugh with as the sweetness exclaimed 'oh my word' with shouts of pure excitement. 

This year is different. A most wonderful kind of different. 

All Drafts

I have a couple draft posts waiting for me to hit that beautiful publish button. I'm dying to hear the familiar DING on my computer when I publish a brand new post. Hot of the press, I usually have to go back and read it over again to see what the people are seeing from my blog page instead of just what I see from a blank screen. I wonder if I would gain more motivation if I wrote on the actual blog page instead of just the white screen staring back at me.

I found this picture online today. I'm fairly certain it could be perfectly compared and matched to my brain scan at this moment.

Mommy, watch this!

It's official. The 'Mommy, watch this!' stage has begun.

Mommy, watch this! *cue silly face*

Mommy, watch this! *cue weird noise*

Mommy, watch this! *cue blanket over head*

Mommy, watch this! *cue looking at me through the holes of her crocheted blanket*
Mommy, watch this! *cue standing on one leg with her arms our stretched and one eye open*

Honestly, I love it. I love every minute of it. I love that she thinks its funny. When did my confidence fizzle in expressing myself through interpretive dance and things that I thought were funny? Where did that child-like mentality disappear to? She isn't analyzing whether or not her actions are appropriate or socially acceptable.  I love that she is crying out in her own 2 yr old way for love, affection and acceptance from me. The very fact that she does this is a prime example of our need for emotional acceptance by our loved ones.

What would change this week if you were intentional about loving your spouse or kids?

Are you loving them in the way that they receive love?

Are you assuming they know how you feel or are you expressing it?

Are you honest and open about what areas in your life you need love and acceptance? 

'What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It's the only thing that there's just too little of.' 

Romans 12:10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. 

Nightmares

Dreams before 3 am, nightmares after 3 am. What if they came true?
Did I just wake up in the same position I fell asleep in? I know the sweetness didn't because I can feel her ice cold toes buried under the small of my back. She is still sleeping, though, which I am grateful for.

Am I rested? Is rest relative? Like coffee having the same effect whether it's decaf or not. I yawn as I finish the last gulp of my first cup of full caf coffee. The french vanilla creamer made a wonderful accent this morning. It's a good change from the fall/winter choices of caramel or pumpkin. And I've never much been a peppermint person.

My eyes are heavy but I have to put one foot in front of the other. A new day has begun. 

Sweet Day Dreams

"Home? Go home mommy?"

Oh I wish, little darling. I close my eyes and sigh deeply, inhaling the cold crisp air.

And suddenly I see us at home. Still in our pj's, we are eating a pancake breakfast and singing songs together. You get syrup on your pj's and end up stripping down but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because we are at home. Together. I wipe your face and hands and watch you race to your room only to emerge with the most obnoxiously mismatched outfit that you so proudly display with no reservation. You are too cute and creative for me to dare stifle that vision, so I encourage you and clean up from breakfast.

My sweet day dream is harshly interrupted by the cold breeze of another parent bringing their sweet baby to daycare. Oh yeah, we are at daycare. That beautiful picture of quality time with just me and you isn't my reality.

One day, my sweetness, one day things won't be like this.
God has bigger and better things planned for us. I just know it.

Filling the Pages

This morning while looking for an address to send to a coworker, the design on Google's homepage caught my attention.

It is remembering Grace Hopper for her 107th birthday. I clicked (this link) to read about her story since I didn't know who she was. One click led to another as I was overwhelmed with people who have done so much in their lives, good and bad. I saw people who were famous for standing up for the things they believe in. The articles on those people always leave me with a big question mark. It makes me wonder what really happened. What was going on during that person's life? What were they thinking? Did they feel as influential as Wikipedia is telling the world that they were?

I probably won't be in Wikipedia one day. I will probably live my life and die without the vast majority of the US knowing my name. I am completely ok with that idea. I don't feel like I have been called to be in the spotlight. But that doesn't give me an excuse to do nothing. I might not have a book written about me or a movie recounting how I saved humanity but I can make a difference in the hearts and minds of the people I love. I can experience miracles. I can be a part of something bigger than myself.

I can write my own book. Now for the fun part of filling those pages. 

Step-Memory 9 yrs old

She's so skinny. I wish I was that skinny. 

Her hair is so cute short. Maybe I should cut mine. 

She dresses nice. Her clothes are expensive. 

I like her car. The leather looks cool. 

She has a nice voice and a funny laugh. 

She's pretty. 

I think I like her. 

'You are no longer the only woman in your daddy's life. Don't even try to come live here because we'll ship you to boarding school. Got it?'

She's so bony. It's gross. My mom was prettier. 

Her hair is too short. My moms hair was way prettier. 

Her clothes are so ugly. Way too expensive. 

Her car is too small. The leather is too cold. 

Her voice shrieks and her laugh is annoying.

She's mean. 

I don't like her. 

The Cuteness Tactic

I see her out of the corner of my eye standing next to me. She is quietly waiting for me to acknowledge her as I finish typing an email for work on my phone. Then I hear, 'Hi' in the cutest yet most mischievous voice I have ever heard. I look over to see this face.

As if saying 'hi' with that cute little face is somehow going to change my answer from 'no', to 'sure you can eat that cough drop even though I've already told you no 3 times'. 

Sorry sweetness, your adorable factor won't alter my decision here. I can't make any promises of refusal if you ask me for cookies though. For some reason your cuteness usually overrides me on that one. 

I will try

On Sunday I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a truck. At least, that's what I imagine it would feel like but I can't say for sure as I have never actually been run over by a truck. (Thankfully!) Head pounding, joints aching, coughing, sneezing, labored breathing, eyes watering, abs and ribs sore from coughing, and so much pressure in my face and neck.

I thought I was getting better. Health-wise.

My house is a wreck. I tried to clean a little this weekend and going up and down the stairs sent me into a near-death experience of coughing. I couldn't breathe and it ended with the sweetness patting me on the back "Mommy ok. Mommy ok!" Not asking, but telling me that I was ok.

I thought I was getting better. House-wise.

It's hard to write about what God is teaching me if I'm not actually learning anything new. It's hard to learn anything new if I'm not actually spending time with Him. It's hard to sit down and read my Bible when all I have been doing at home is sleeping. The moment that I feel a slight sliver better than the minute before, I fill it with stuff that I think I need to do.

I thought I was getting better. Heart-wise.

It's so easy for me to feel like Proverbs 31 is a smack in the face of how far away I am from who I really want to be rather than a positive goal to strive for. I can see now that this sickness is begging me to slow down and just sit in His presence.

I will try to get better.