How do you plead?

'And how do you plead?'

'Guilty, your Honor.'

I heard those words recently in a courtroom; and not just once but several times. There were a lot of people at court for tickets and every time I heard those words it was like a piercing to my soul; a reminder of what used to be.

You see, growing up I was stuck in all of these horrible cycles. There are so many things that pull at you in life, especially when you are in the impressionable age of high school. I wanted to be me, but I wanted to be liked and those weren't meshing well together. So some days I would be me and eat lunch by myself; some days I would dress and act to fit in and have friends. Both were pretty miserable, actually. I wanted to be a straight A student but that definitely was not happening. What was misconstrued into feelings of stupidity and laziness were really just bad foundations of basic math and lack of support in learning. This is the extent of my Algebra knowledge.

It just doesn't make sense to me. And I hated myself for it.

There were so many lies I believed and so many expectations that I couldn't possibly live up to.

In high school I thought...
if I made straight A's
if I made the winning score
if I played piano
if I wore makeup
if I sang well
if I served on every missions trip

After highschool I thought...
if I had a good job
if I made a lot of money
if I had a good boyfriend
if I was independent

When I got married I thought...
if I kept the house clean
if I cooked delicious meals
if I was never too "tired" or "had a headache"
if I just did whatever he wanted to do
if I looked good enough

When I had my daughter I thought...
if I did everything my family and my friends and random people in Wal-Mart tell me to do
if she was dressed the best
if she hit milestones first
if I spent hours getting her to say "mama"
if I sacrificed all of "me" time for her

After the divorce I thought...
There is just no way I can be good enough. I did everything physically, emotionally and mentally possible to be good enough and I failed.

This was the grand lie that brought me to my knees.

You see, I couldn't be good enough. Even if you didn't make the decisions I made in life, you won't ever be good enough.  This is the grand beauty of life. It truly is a gift. I don't have to be right all the time. I don't have to have the perfect hair, or photo-shopped body. I don't have to be the smartest or the best at anything. I don't have to have all the answers. I am loved. Just as I am right now. Christianity isn't about striving to be good enough. It's about being enough just as I am. I am enough by simply breathing.

Inhale, exhale. I am loved.
Inhale, exhale. I am cherished.
Inhale, exhale. I am created with a unique set of talents, emotions and character traits that have a purpose.
Inhale, exhale. I am beautiful.
That's it. Just by breathing.

I love what Graham Cooke has to say about it:

"I don't get this whole judgment thing on the Earth. I feel our message of the Gospel of the Kingdom is a happy message: Joy has come! God is restoring people to joy, and He loves nothing better than turning sinners into saints!"

The whole time that I was trying and striving and working towards being good enough I never once stopped to ask "Good enough for what?". Who was I trying to please? Who matters? Christianity isn't about a bunch of rules that you have to live up to. God's not crowding over you with a checklist of how many times you cursed or yelled at your kids or didn't say a prayer before a meal. You don't have to have all your ducks in a row in life, all the answers to every scientific problem or every single priority of theological beliefs in perfect symmetry. God is actively pursuing a relationship with you exactly as you are right in this moment. He is in the business of making nothings into somethings and somethings into greater somethings. It is the foundation of His character to love, forgive and set FREE.

I was guilty, but God showed mercy. 

I was lost, but God sought after me. 

I was running, but God welcomed me home. 

I was sad, but God overflowed my heart with joy. 

I was empty, but God has blessed me ten-fold. 

How do you plead?