Just try it

"I don't know how to pray."
"You know how you are talking to me? You just talk to Him. He loves to hear your prayers."

So simple. Why do we over-complicate things as adults?

Talk to Him. He wants to hear your thoughts. He doesn't care about your grammar or whether you can even get a full sentence out through sobs. He wants to be with you. WITH you. It's your communion with Him that He desires. It's the nature of your heart that is important to Him. When you are washing dishes or filling out the report at work, or changing a diaper, or driving to school, or watching the news, or studying for a test.

If I only ever came to you and asked you to do things for me, we wouldn't have a great friendship. He already knows how you work and what you are thinking, but he wants you to want to share them with Him. I absolutely love when Sweetness starts off her stories with "Momma, I want to tell you sumpen". She crawls in my lap and tell me the adventures she had at school, or the people who were mean to her, or the fun things she accomplished. I want to be a part of her world. I want to be the one she confides in.

God desperately desires friendship with you. He doesn't want it because He needs it, because God isn't lacking in anything. However, He loves you more than you can possibly imagine. He wants you to crawl in His lap, sit at His feet, run to Him, laugh with Him. He wants to hear your adventures, hold you while you cry, and hear you express what makes your heart beat. He desires to celebrate with you, shower you with gifts, and fill you with more love, peace, compassion, joy, patience and fiery passion so that you are overflowing and don't know what to do with the excess. Then He wants to talk with you casually as you go about your day and show you the people that need that excess of love that you are overflowing with. He wants to bless and He wants you to bless others.

This all starts with just talking to Him. Don't complicate it. He loves you. He wants to hear from you. He wants to hear your voice. He thinks you are beautiful, talented, smart, important, and so worthy of His attention.

Talk to Him. Simply, talk to Him.
Try it. Try talking to Him without asking Him for anything. Try just saying thank you. Try listening for His voice. Try sitting and just thinking about all the ways you love someone and multiplying that by 3 billion and try to accept that He loves you more than that.

Just try it.

Unpopular Regression

As I was leaving the building, I could see she was struggling with holding her phone, the baby, her keys, the diaper bag and what looked like some sort of play mat. I darted back to the daycare door to catch it in time before it locked. As I opened the door, I smiled and she pushed past me into the building with no thank you or even a smile in return for my efforts.

"As unto the Lord. Work as unto the Lord." I repeated in my brain as I got back in my car. I'm sure my face was beet red with embarrassment. I felt like such an idiot. Why did I not just play it cool? I could have just walked out and let the door shut. I didn't have to seem like such a desperate overachiever.

Wait. Why am I chastising myself? I did what was right. Why am I not irritated at that girl? She was the unappreciative one. But I felt nothing towards her but embarrassment. I was instantly transported back to the awkward girl in high school walking past the popular group. I cared so much about what she thought of me, this random pretty stranger, that I was the one uncomfortable when she was rude. 

Hello, old doormat version of myself, I haven't seen you in a while. 

Isn't it crazy how fast we can revert to old ways? It was so easy for me in that moment to feel so uncomfortable and judged. Not that getting irritated at her was the correct way to feel, but it seems more normal in my mind. Whatever that normal word means anyway.

Ephesians 6:7 

"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord not people." 

Colossians 3:23 

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men" 

Galatians 1:10 

"For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ."

I did what was right, but what matters to God more than the work I did is my heart behind the work. Something rose up in me in that moment. As long as I am in this body, there will be obstacles and trials that stir something to rise up. Will goodness and mercy be the first things that rise? In the moments that my flesh rises up first, will I quiet them with gentleness? Will I confidently respond by extending grace to those who are undeserving? Afterall, it was undeserved grace that allows me to live and be free.

The world needs grace something fierce. We have the incredible opportunity to soak in the grace meant for us and extend the overflow of that to the people we interact with.

Live your life. Walk confidently. Speak boldly.

The Creator's opinion is the only one that matters, and he loves that pretty lady more than I understand. Accept grace for yourself and delight in extending grace to others.

You won't regret it. 

I get to be me.

"Did you play sports in high school?"

This question excited me. For a couple minutes I reminisced those fun days and shared stories and stats. I tried to find some pictures, but I couldn't in the limited amount of time I had. I used to be a good athlete. I wasn't the best on the team, but I held my own. Regardless of skill, I loved it. It was my favorite part of high school.

"Wow, I can't imagine you being fast," he says as he burst into a fit of laughter, "I bet your high school self is just looking at you disappointed. How are you not more athletic and active right now?"

Wow. Well, hello there Mr. Tact. My first thought was that I was definitely eating a salad for lunch. My second thought was that I had to come up with some response that didn't include sarcasm or insecurity.

In the best way I could, I explained that my life is different now. My priorities have changed. My schedule is busier in a completely different way. I have responsibilities of my husband, home, daughter, dog, job, friends, and my awesome church. I love my life. Are there ways that it could be better? Are there things that I want to improve on? Are there things I miss about being in shape, active, and playing sports? Yes to all. But would I trade my daughter for a bikini body? Not a chance. Would I trade my husband and my home to play competitive sports? No, of course not. Is God continually doing a work in me about my appearance and what is important to Him? Yes, but it's not success if I achieve my goals through a spirit of defeat, envy, or for any other wrong motive.

I want to take care of my body because it is the temple of the Holy Spirit, not because of what I used to be or because I have to live up to today's standards of beauty.

So I will take this conversation as a test.
My patience was tested.
My response was tested.
My heart was tested.
My love was tested.
My journey will continue to be tested as I grow and mature to be more like Jesus.

Because that is what I want. I want to be like Jesus.
If I am never a size 4...but I love the unlovable, I will be happy.
If I never have a bikini body again...but I get to bring comfort to those around me, I will be happy.

I have incubated life.
I have survived a crazy and fun life, and have not been torn down by misery.
I am thriving.
I have joy that doesn't depend on my size, my activity levels, or my status on this earth.

I don't have to live up to who I used to be. I've already surpassed her. I get to be me.

What do you want to be?

"What do you want be when you grow up, Sweets?"
"I no know, maybe just have gum?"
"You just want to be able to chew gum?"
"Yeah I think so. That would be awesome."

I remember growing up and thinking that if I HAD to pick something to be when I grew up that I guess I would be a teacher because I love kids. I never had a clear goal of wanting to be a doctor or businesswoman. I just wanted to be a mom. So when I was asked, saying 'teacher' seemed like the correct response because at least I would be working with kids.

So it was no shock for me to hear the simple response from my Sweetness. She just wants to do the next thing. I wish I thought more like that. I wish that I slowed down sometimes to just be and hear and do the thing right in front of me. Usually, I like to know what's ahead so I can plan accordingly. Plan for road blacks, delays, or to try to get the best angle on a situation. Why not be prepared, right?

My brain spins and spins constantly of how I can accomplish the most of my list in the least amount of time with the sharpest accuracy.

I think there is a treasure to being prepared sometimes. But I also think that it can get in the way of the now, the being, the existing, the tasting and seeing that the Lord is good.

I want Sweetness to be. I want her to just be present. To take in life, to love people well. I don't want her to narrow down to only one occupation. I don't want her to focus solely on becoming one thing. I want her to believe she can do anything. And I think it starts by changing the questions I ask her. To do that I need to change the way I think so that I can begin to ask different questions.

Not, what do you want to be when you grow up, but what do you want to be, right now? What do you want to be known and remembered for? What legacy and memory are you leaving behind with each interaction you have?

How do we, practically, breed contentment and thankfulness in our kids while still fanning the flame of hope and and a passion to accomplish great things?

The only answer I have, the one that I lean and meditate on, the answer that provides peace in a grief-stricken, violent, selfish world is John 15:4.

"Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

It's backwards from an achievement-motivated world.
To grow you have to remain.
Stay, meditate, listen, love, remain.

The Big Beginning: Part One

I woke up nervous. I rose early with Sweetness as the normal routine kicked in. But this day was anything but normal. Making Blueberry muffins was the perfect distraction from the nerves fluttering in my stomach. I could only take a few bites of the muffins before my appetite disappeared in a flash.

The morning was flying by so quickly. The clock seemed to skip over entire half hours at a time. I was rushed and slightly unorganized but trying to take in every moment before our lives changed. I wanted to text him. Could I? Was that against the rules? I thought against it and sat down to write him a letter instead. The paper stared at me blankly, almost taunting me in a way. How could I write down everything I wanted to say to the one who makes me speechless? How could I capture all of the ways that this was one of the best days of my life? I wrote what I'm sure was a blubbering mess, and put it in a safe place so I wouldn't forget it.

My dear friend Nikki was so helpful with setting up for the wedding and helping me take care of Sweetness both the day before and morning of. It was so wonderful to have someone there who has been through the crazy bumps that we have been through together. She helped avert my attention from the nerves and keep me focused, but she also let me be giddy and excited. She asked me questions, made me laugh, and helped make me feel so special. I love that girl.

We turned on the news to make sure the weather was still planning on being kind to me that day. And because I have a BIG God who loves me, the bright yellow sun was scheduled to shine all day. What a relief! Nikki laughed and pointed out that the news was highlighting wedding bloopers. Really? On the morning of my wedding, the news wants to highlight all of the funny and horrible things that could possibly happen? Of course they would. So I just took it as a sign to let go of all expectations and be at ease with whatever happened. It was hilarious to watch all of the videos and we just prayed nothing crazy like that would happen for me. Having that mindset made it a lot easier when later my brother leaned over during pictures to ask me, "did you hear what happened with the queso?". No, I didn't hear about the queso, to which he responded, "nevermind then." I was too wrapped in enjoying all of my family and friends being there to care.

I felt so taken care of all day long. My fantastic friend Keeley, and my sisters made sure that I had coffee, snacks, and that I was comfortable. I didn't want to eat, but I was told I wasn't allowed to have my coffee unless I ate something, so banana and oatmeal it was. Keeley didn't want me passing out during the ceremony. What a party pooper, right? She would totally be laughing at me if I did, but she would also be one of the first people there to help me up. I love that girl, too.

Getting ready was a nice calm moment of the day. My talented big sister, Coral, fixed my hair and makeup. It was a special moment for me, almost as if mom was there just through Coral and I being present in that moment. Staring at my no filter, no make up, morning monster reflection while getting pampered was a challenge, however. It goes against several things that make me feel uncomfortable. My sister, Lindsey, was taking pictures that I truly cherish, but no one really wants to see those. Ha! I never had to worry though. Everyone from the little kiddos, as well as my friends and family all made me feel beautiful and so special.

Before our first look, I heard Jacob's voice outside of the room I was getting ready in. My nerves instantly doubled. He was there. So close. I wanted to run to him. I wanted a big hug. I wanted to see his face and look into his kind eyes. But I had to wait, so I leaned on the door frame, closed my eyes, and just listened to his laugh and the chaos of everyone getting everything ready. There was something so perfect about that moment. Looking back on it now, I remember it as the last time of longing. The last moment that I would be waiting for one of my best dreams to come true. In just a few hours that man would be my husband.

Those pesky nerves seemed to triple by the minute before our first look. I was led outside where I first saw his shadow on the ground. It's crazy how much the shadow of someone can impact your emotions on a day like that day. I reached around the fence to hold his hand while Coral and Lindsey took more pictures. As we set up for the big reveal,  I couldn't breathe. I just wanted him to see me all dressed up, ready to be his bride. Would he like the dress, or my hair? Was I wearing too much make up, or not enough? So many thoughts, memories, and nerves flooded my system as I walked towards him and grabbed his arm.

When he turned around, I stood for a moment unable to make eye contact, a fragile statue afraid that if I moved I might crack or burst into tears. Finally, I mustered the confidence to look up. The next few moments were in slow motion as I took in how handsome the love of my life looked, and how he was looking at me. That smile, the ways his eyes lit up. He took a step back to see my dress and my nerves disappeared. I was just happy to be there with him in that moment. Just like the lyrics of the song that played as I walked down the aisle say, "In a room full of people, everything else disappears." It was just him and me. Perfection.

The next hour and a half flew by in a rush of hugs, tears, kisses, and precious memories being made as we took family pictures and finished getting ready for the ceremony. Since our family was expanding, we resolved to take some pictures before and some after the ceremony. Everyone looked so beautiful and handsome and cute and perfect. Everyone was so happy and friendly. Pictures were taken, a ton of hugs were given out, and as we separated for the big beginning, all of my nerves were gone. I felt nothing but pure bliss and thankfulness to be marrying my answer to prayer. So many people that we loved and cherished were all gathered in one place to celebrate our love and the joining of our lives together. There were also several people who didn't get to come, but showed their love and support from the distance. We felt so overwhelmed with love and blessings from all of those who cared for us.

I went inside to freshen up and make sure that everything was in place, packed for the road, and made sure everything was presentable. Those few moments inside were the perfect time to take deep breaths and remember all of the things that had led up to that moment. Some were sad and I thanked God for His Sovereignty and comfort. Some memories were so happy that I almost starting crying before the ceremony began. I walked out into the living room and saw our officiate and dear friend, Beau. He was so excited and prayed with us before we walked outside to say, "I Do".

This was it. This was the big beginning. And it was happening now.

It's a mom thing

Crying from the other room.

My bed is so warm. 

Do I have to get up? 

What time is it? 

I have to pee.

Louder crying. 

The Mr. stirs. 

Gotta get up before she wakes him. 

Trip over the pup. 

She needs to pee. 

I need to pee. 

Get the crying one first.

Loves and hugs and calming deep breaths. 

Turn on a show.

Pour chocolate milk.

I still need to pee. 

Trip over the pup. again.

Oh, right, you need to pee. 

Put on the leash.
Grab my jacket.
Slip on the Mr's shoes by the door.

Explain 34 times to the little one that I am in fact coming back after I let the pup out.
Oh golly, it's freezing. 

Go back inside.

Feed the pup.

I still need to pee.

In the same frame

Dish Network has a commercial in circulation right now. A teenager is standing on the door step of his home arguing with his dad about not wanting to go to a family member's house. Apparently, Aunt Judy doesn't have tv so this poor unfortunate high school boy is forced against his will to actually interact with his family members. Isn't it cruel that his dad wants to spend time with him and other family?

The pinnacle of the commercial is when the dish network kangaroo appears. The kangaroo hands the boy his cell phone and assures him that he can sit in the corner and not interact with anyone exactly like he wanted. What a nice kangaroo.

It's so obvious to me what is wrong with this picture, but are my actions as obvious to others?
Am I catching the areas I'm prideful in? Or am I stuck in the same place making the same decisions.

Unanswered Prayers

A mass of hungry people had just been fed by the Great Teacher. What started with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish had overflowed into baskets as leftovers. The people all were amazed with what Jesus had done. In their excitement and passion for the Miracle Maker, they intended on making Jesus their King. Jesus knew this, so he withdrew to the mountain to be by himself. (John 6:15)

It's funny how you can hear the same story over and over and miss certain parts. This hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. The people saw the miracles and heard the teaching of Jesus and they were amazed. They had found their Savior, "the true Prophet who is to come into the world!" The one they had been waiting for! They had the best intentions and admiration for Jesus. Miracles had been performed, the thick cloud of judgment was being lifted, and was replaced by teachings and parables of grand love. They wanted to give Him the highest honor that they knew how by making Him king. Can you blame them?

I don't know about you, but that sounds a lot better than being stripped down, humiliated, beaten, wrongfully accused, and crucified by those very same people who previously wanted to exalt you as King. In my flesh I am found thinking, "You should have taken the offer when you had it." But Jesus, in His perfect Sovereignty, knew what had to be done in order to save the whole world. He made the more unpopular and difficult, but ultimately the best decision that had to be made. And it came completely out of the over-abundant love that He has for us.

How many times have I prayed and analyzed whether I had enough belief to make it happen? I can't know what God's will is, and I know that He longs for us to take things to Him in prayer. I know He longs for communication and relationship versus just plain rule following. I love that about Him. I wonder how many unanswered prayers were because I wasn't asking the right question; how many He was ultimately choosing something greater for me that I couldn't see or understand in that moment?

There are some prayers that I don't know why they aren't answered, and I may never know. I believe I am allowed to grieve over unanswered prayers, but ultimately my belief is firmly planted that God is good, all the time. I will bring my heart to Him and pour out my desires to my loving, merciful, giving Father. And in the moments that I don't receive the answer I want or an answer at all, I will still praise Him, for He works good in all things, all the time.

Here's to looking at you, husband.

I was laying in bed that morning watching you get ready. It sounds creepy, but it's not. Hear me out. Sweetness had woken up so many times that night. I was exhausted. The bed was so comfortable and warm, that I did not want to get up.

You were brushing your teeth, putting your contacts in, fixing your hair and other mundane, ordinary tasks. Not that the fact of you brushing your teeth is appealing or mesmerizing, but you are. Those mundane, ordinary tasks were being done in the comfort of our home. OUR home. The home we share together.

I didn't want to get up because I was entranced. By you.

You, as the leader of our home. My best friend. My protector and caretaker. My confidante. My other half. My love.

My husband.

I'm speechless at the gift I have been given of your company. Blown away by your love for me and Sweetness, I can only savor these special reminders. I tuck them away as precious memories to revisit at a later date.

I'm lucky, blessed, and truly honored to be the one who gets to lay in the soft, comfortable, warm bed, looking at you.

Telephone singing, ringing
It's too early, don't pick it up
We don't need to
We got everything we need right here
and everything we need is enough
Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?
Wake up slow, wake up slow

Take me back to November

Dreaming of November.
Early morning yawns just missing the sunrise.
The sound and smell of coffee drip, drip, dripping.
Wrapped in a blanket in a rocking chair.
Holding hands across the porch in perfect silence.
Crisp morning breeze swaying the grass and trees.
Watching the ducks waddle by the trickling creek.
A blank agenda waiting to be filled with adventure.
Walking through the nature trail hoping to see a deer or small furry rabbit.
The painted cow and rooster sculptures from the art school welcome attention.
Marveling at the beautiful scenery of creation.
The architecture in perfect design as if in a magazine.
Walking through the small town of infinite activities and places.
Holding the hand of my love, so proud to be walking by his side.
Soaking in the sights, smells, and sounds.

Take me back to November.

Arise

Since high school, when I was searching for hope, light, and love, Isaiah 60:1 has been my rock. I've written about it a couple times...

Isaiah 60:1 "Arise shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you. "

The whole chapter is wonderful and brings me to tears nearly every time I read it.

Verses 2 &3 say "For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and thick darkness the peoples; but the Lord will arise upon you, and his glory will be seen upon you. And nations shall come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your rising."

This is not merely an encouraging verse to give us warm fuzzy feelings. This is a charge. But it doesn't even stop at that. It is a charge with a promise. A promise that the light of the glory of the Lord will be on us. This means that anything and everything is possible, and it's possible to be accomplished through us. It's not by our strength or anything that we do by ourselves, but by His glory that will be seen upon us.

In Luke 10:2, it says that the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Isaiah 60 doesn't say work really hard to chase and force religion on the nations. It simply says, "Arise, shine...and nations shall come to your light."

If nations aren't coming to my light, am I really shining?
How do we make sure that our light is shining?
Do people notice our light?
Or are we stepping in line with the parade as an unseen face in the crowd?

Simply, Arise.
Arise in confidence.
Arise in power.
Arise in a ridiculous mind-blowing love that defies all logic.
And the nations will come.

Slight Sliver of Hope

The sky was raining the other day. Dark clouds lingering over tired people with their coffee in hand for survival. I didn't have any coffee before I left the house. What a crime it should be to attempt to function in society without a warm cup of joe! I could almost smell the sweet aroma if I closed my eyes and focused really hard.

Taking a deep breath and turning the volume up, the empty spaces began to be filled. Listening to music, the chords strumming with my breathing and the beat of the drum matching the beat of my heart.

The chorus of rain on the pavement, the chill in the air, the sweet harmonies drowning out the mumbling of coworkers in the office.

The slight show of light, the yellow sunbeam peeking through the clouds, just a small sliver of hope for the moment.

And the show must go on.

I thought I saw someone today

I thought I saw someone today. Well, I did see someone today, but it wasn't the someone that I thought I saw. It couldn't be. That person is gone. He died years ago. And the one person who knew him like I did isn't in my life anymore.

So what do you do now?

If you are an introvert, who internally processes things, this might not be a dilemma for you. You might just think about it, or retreat to meditate, or journal about it. That's not how I work. I mean, it's how I will have to work since I don't have any other options, but preferably, I want to talk to someone. I want to reminisce. I want to be reminded of his quirks and funny stories. I want to connect with someone who knows what I'm talking about. I want to talk with someone who remembers what he looked like.

However, that's not an option for me. So I will do the only thing I can do. I will remember for myself and do my best to tell you what a great man the world lost.

He wasn't my dad, but he called me his kid.
He worked hard.
He had the best raspy laugh.
He refused to go through drive-thru's because he said that human interaction was becoming extinct.
He lived alone in his tiny apartment, but always had people over.
He didn't need anything fancy to be happy.
He smoked way too much.
He talked about his daughter constantly and how he wished he could have had a relationship with her growing up.
He made up for that lost relationship by spoiling me. (Is that fair? I don't know, but it was fact.)
He loved Classic Rock.
He never ate sweets.
He drank way too much, which was ultimately what killed him.

We connected in a special way. I desperately wanted a relationship with my dad and he desperately wanted a relationship with his daughter. We weren't the puzzle pieces that fit, but bandaids that helped ease the sting for a while. Until he was gone.

He had gone to the hospital for some testing on some swelling he was having in his legs. I was going to go visit him when I got off work, but he told me not to. He said there was no point because the doctors were releasing him the next day. But the next day we got a call from his sister. She had been notified by the hospital, and when she looked through his phone, we were the people he talked the most to and the last people that he had contacted.

He had to know more than he told us. There had to have been some heads up from the doctors about his condition. Did he choose to die alone? Or did he slip away suddenly to the surprise of even the medical staff? Did he know how many people cared for him? Did he just not want us to see him struggling and in pain? I don't know. I may never know.

I remember the day I found out. I was told in my office while I was working. My office manager and others burst into tears and I just sat there. When I could form cohesive sentences, I just asked everyone to leave my office.

Shock is the best way to describe it, I guess. A knot formed in my stomach and I thought I was going to be sick. I had to power through. I needed to work. I needed a task. I needed a distraction. I didn't actually cry until a couple days later at his funeral. I walked into the room and saw the casket and just broke down. It was him, but not really him. It was his body, but not his life and spirit. The spunk was gone. The twinkle in his eyes. The wrinkles that formed when he laughed would never be seen again. He was gone.

The best closure that I could possibly get was getting to meet his daughter. It was hard to form words that sounded like something other than blubbering tears. But I had to. She had to know how much he loved her. I don't know if it made a difference or if she ever thinks about him. I don't know every little detail behind what happened between him and his daughter, but she had to know that there was not one day that went by that he did not mention her or show me a picture. Maybe it did more harm than good, I may never know that either. Maybe it was more for me than her. Maybe I went and talked to her because I felt like he would have wanted me to. I just wanted her to know that she was never forgotten or thought ill of. I wanted her to know that was deeply cherished and loved, and that it would have meant the world to him to know that she was there.

Several other people followed behind me to say things along the same lines. They gave her pictures of him and told her funny stories. She was between laughing and crying the whole time. I left before the line was up of people to talk to her. Either way, I'm glad that she got to hear how great he was. I hope she was able to sort through the ideas she had of him and the stories that we told. Another thing that I may never know.

What I do know is that I have a deep appreciation for this life I live. Every day, every breath, every moment, every memory. Every thing that happens will be a memory by tomorrow. So will it be a good memory or a bad one? It's not what happens that matters, but how we respond. How we respond to waiting, or crisis, or misjudgement, or even good things that happen will leave the mark. Ashes don't tell you what the structure was before it burned, but they do tell you that something indeed burned. As the years go on, the details of the incident are forgotten, but how we felt, how we reacted, how we treated other people, how we commemorated the event, how we spoke, how we handled our emotions, will last.

At his funeral, we didn't talk about his political preferences, bad habits, or theological beliefs. We talked about who he was and how every day was better with him in it. I want to make today count. I want people at my funeral to have good memories, funny stories, and tales of an open heart of untamed love to remember me. Whether I go out in blazing flames, or slip silently away at the end of a burning wick, I want you to remember this one thing: The greatest love and fulfillment that you couldn't even dream of is available to you for a price that has already been paid; the greatest price: life.

I hope I don't have to die for people to know this about me. I hope that while I live, I can love in a way that shows that I have been given the truest love there is. I hope that I handle hurt and pain in a way that shows the vast mercy I have received. I hope that I have a joy that is contagious, and that my confidence can be centered in my great God who has set me apart for something great, but not hindered by pride. I hope that I convey in some shape or form that that great love is not emptied with me, but over-flowing in abundance for you, exactly where you are, how you are.

I hope that you accept it and live exceedingly greater than you ever thought was possible for you.
Because you can.

One in front of the other

Looking down at my feet, one step in front of the other. I see her little chucks, one step in front of the other, beside me on the sidewalk. I see her little arm swaying back and forth matching my arm swaying back and forth which each step, one in front of the other.

For a moment I'm once again 7, walking one step in front of the other, next to her walking one step in front of the other. She told me that we sway our arms when we walk to keep balance. Like blinking, it was something that our bodies did naturally. I could control it, I told her. My arms didn't have to sway for me to keep balance. Then she laughed as she watched me struggle to walk a straight line with my arms stiff against my little body.

She was right.

It's funny how those memories can sneak up on me. Sly little foxes, they appear at random moments, refreshed by the simplest things, like swaying arms.

Another year gone, another Christmas without her. I don't really remember the last Christmas where she was included. How would I have known at 7 that I needed to remember it? Oh, how I wish I remembered it. But now she is gone. All I have is pictures and memories with faint details from over 17 years ago.

17 years. It's been that long? Crazy how much has happened since then. I've made a quite a few decisions and changes in those years, some good and some not so good. But it's led me here, and I'm so grateful.

Why do I take so many pictures? Why do I post so many memories and funny conversations on Facebook?

Because one day I was walking with my mom, swaying my arms side to side and the next I was walking with my daughter and only the memory of my mom.

This life is a short snippet of eternity. Remember everything. Write it down. Take pictures. Remember smells, and conversations. Cherish every moment. Don't forget to take it all in. Don't take anything for granted. Don't forget to sway your arms.

Remember that you can't get to the place you want to be unless you step out, one foot in front of the other.

Today was rough

Today was rough.
Hit after hit, I'm worn down.
Bad conversations, stressful situations, rude people.
Today was weird.
It was a day that I just struggle to like people.
These days don't happen often, thankfully.

I'm so glad God doesn't have days like these.
We are infinitely more difficult, rude, untrusting and unloving towards Him, and each other, and He never turns His back on us.
He is always there.
Always with open arms to welcome us home.

I'm so thankful.
Goodness, I need Him.



I need Thee, oh I need Thee, every hour I need Thee.
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.

5 Min Fridays - It doesn't feel like Christmas

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, what happens is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, set, go!

It doesn't feel like Christmas. I'm a little disappointed. I've been trying to play Christmas music. I have put up some Christmas decorations, but not nearly as much as I would like due to budget limitations. I haven't even gotten all of the presents for Sweetness. 

I guess it's hard to sing "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" when it's 75 degrees outside. I want to wear a coat and need a beanie. I want to wear boots and not be sweating at the office. I want to cuddle outside on the porch with a blanket, not shorts and a tank top. I don't want to check the weather to see if I need to wear short sleeves. I want to need to go get ice off my windshield, not turn the A/C on. This is so depressing.

People keep asking me if I'm ready for Christmas. Yes. I was ready for Christmas before Thanksgiving. It's my favorite time of the year and this weather is ruining it! I know the meaning of the Christmas season is celebrating the birth of Jesus. And I know that I can do that in whatever weather.

From experience I know I can't wait for my feelings to validate what I know to be true.
I just wish it felt like Christmas. 

Renewal: come home

"I am changing my diet."

"I am changing my hair color."

"I am changing my routine."

All of these things we have control over to come extent. Then there is the tricky part of trying to change who we are. 

Missy from 631 says "Change occurs when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of change."

Google defines change as "make or become different".

Arnold Bessier says "Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not."

I think what Arnold is talking about is actually renewal.

Google defines renew as "resume an activity after an interruption".

Psalm 51:10 says "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew in me a right spirit."

Isaiah 40:31 says, "but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

2 Corinthians 4:16 says, "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day."

I've tried to be who I'm not. I've tried to do things to please others. I've tried to sound like I know what I'm talking about. I've tried to earn the approval of friends and relatives all while pushing my self-love on the back burner. 

I believe the whole Bible is true.

This means I believe that I was fearfully and wonderfully designed before I even entered the womb.

Also it means that I believe designing me was not just done wonderfully for the sake of being wonderful but that I was created in the image and likeness of God. 

I also believe that when I laid down my heart and confessed that Jesus is the way, truth, and the life, the Holy Spirit entered my heart with a victorious celebration. My sins were forgiven once and for all. From that moment on, my life was claimed as a child of the King; royalty finally come home and reconciled to a loving Father.

This means that I went from definition sinner to definition saint. I was then a new creation with a clean slate and a promise that I would never be left or forsaken. Everything changed. My home was no longer this world, it is heaven. My mission was no longer survival but thriving with joy and peace. My hands were no longer bound for idle toil, but destined to heal the sick and hold the broken. My heart was no longer stained with the black tar of sin, but clean, fresh, and white as snow.

This world no longer had any claim on my emotions, mind, or soul.
From that moment on, I was free.

Any time after that point that sin appears in my life, it's not because I am bound to it. It is a choice that I have to walk through that door, open that web browser, say those words, or listen to those lies.

It's a choice that I don't have to make. It's a choice that you don't have to make.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Romans 12:2

This is not a set of rules or an impossible charge to complete. This is an invitation to come home. The King invites you to lay down self-fulfillment, entitlement, depression, anxiety, insecurity, and longing and be filled with peace, patience, joy, gentleness, and a love so fulfilling that you never are in want or need again.

It's a renewal. It's a coming back to something you ALREADY possess.
He isn't withholding strength and then giving you a brand new vile when it's time.
He is there with you, inviting you to draw from the strength that is already IN you.
He is asking you to remove the blinders that the world tries to put on you and see the light that is already in you.
It's not you in your worldly armor, it the Holy Spirit in you.
The Spirit you received when you believed in Jesus.
The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead.

It's time for renewal. It's time to be rejuvenated by the one who gives life. It's time to come home.

Max or Min?

Looking for daily prompts to promote constant writing? Check out many inspiring prompts posted daily here. When you click the link, it will take you to the prompt that inspired me to write today.

I often find Maximalism, at it's highest point, hard to follow when I'm reading a story. I want to know the point. I want to know what the author is trying to say, and am usually less concerned with the details of how the scene looked. I guess I think my imagination can do that for me. I don't need you to tell me what color her dress was. What matters more to me is the emotions she was portraying and why. What happened? And what did she do about it?

Strange that I think this way, though, because I am bound by the idea that in order for me to write a book that would be accepted well, I would need to write more from a Maximal standpoint. I don't add a lot of details. The few times that I have tried to write fiction, the most feedback I get is about my lack of details.

Maybe a book that I write would be well received. I will never know unless I try it.

Is your writing style described more as minimalism or maximalism?

Momma's Musings

I couldn't come up with a title for this one. I was having trouble bringing it down to one short and simple phrase that encapsulates all that I was thinking and feeling while writing this. I left it open to the first person who gave me an idea and my friend Ann came through for me. You can check out her blog by clicking here. She is always so wonderfully encouraging. 

So here it goes: Momma's Musings



My Sweetness is not always sweet. Shocker, right? I know. I'm sorry to burst your fantasy bubble.

When I was pregnant I prayed that she would be fiercely independent, confident, strong, assertive, and that she would love people well. The first couple things she has down pat. She is a pro. But love? That is a little tricky. I know for a fact that she loves me, Mr, our pup, and I can list a couple other people that she undeniably loves. But loving people in general? Being friendly and likeable? Not usually.

Monday, as we were walking trough HEB, people that approached her didn't meet the Sweets that I know. They didn't see her creativity and spunk. They didn't get to hear her laugh and know what she is passionate about. Instead they met a shy and grumpy little girl who didn't want to have any part in talking to strangers; unwilling to say hello, with a scowl on her face. She didn't care if they liked her at all. She was just cruising on her own path. I am thankful that I don't have to worry about her talking to strangers, but this is not exactly what I expected.

Gosh, am I doing this parenting thing right? What is 'right', anyway? I definitely got what I prayed for. Did I maybe pray too much? Why did God give me what I was asking for? Was I so scared of her becoming the pushover, door mat that I was growing up that I prayed for a quadruple portion of confidence? What do I have to offer her? How can I, as an insecure extrovert, try to guide and raise a confident introvert like my sweet girl? I don't understand how she thinks sometimes. I know what to expect and can be prepared to handle the decisions she makes because I know her, but I don't understand why or how she comes to the conclusions she does. Our brains are different. Our personalities are different. Our souls are different and unique.

I was talking to a friend on Sunday about the possibility of kids in the future for him and his wife. One of the topics we discussed was about expectations and the impossible scale of comparison that is created when our happiness depends on our children's behavior. He laughed when I told him to throw all of his expectations out of the window. I used to always hate when people would tell me that I would understand when I had kids, but it's so true. I explained to him that if I birthed the perfect kid, how perfect is designed in my brain, then I wouldn't need God; and children are definitely one of the ways to get people to cry out to God for help.

I'm not just talking about behavioral issues.
I'm talking about the almost unbearable pain it is to where your heart literally outside of your body.
I'm talking about loving someone so much who doesn't even know what love is.
I'm talking about the mystery of beginning with a helpless baby and ending with a responsible, kind, loving, helpful, passionate, hardworking person who chases after God.

Am I a responsible, kind, loving, helpful, passionate hard working person that Sweetness can look up to? What am I modeling for her?

I do my best. I pray, a lot. I read my Bible. I pour my heart out to God. I journal often. I seek counsel from friends, family, and leaders. I am always consciously aware of my need for more of Jesus.

That is the point. That is all that's needed.
If I believe that God is powerful, all-knowing, sovereign, and loving, which I do, then seeking Him is the best possible thing I can do.

I am not perfect. Sweets is not perfect.
But somehow, according to a grand master plan, we are the perfect match for each other.
And my heart probably could burst into a thousand pieces with the overwhelming love I have for my precious, sweet, adorable, angel.

And I will not quit praying for her and fighting for her and loving her until I draw my last breath.

So today, I will quiet my insecurity.
I will rest in the beautiful truth that God loves Sweets more than I do and is more than willing to guide Mr. and me through the crazy journey of parenting.
I will believe that He knows what He is doing by giving me the great gift of being her mommy.
I will learn to laugh at myself and get up after I fail, and fail again.
I will continue to strive to be the best example of a Godly woman that I can be for my smart, confident, loving, spicy Sweetness.
Most of all, I will try my hardest to showcase who Jesus really is and the vast love He has for her.

Playdoh lessons

I set the playdoh on the table. Red, Yellow, Blue, and White.

"Don't mix the colors together, Sweets, ok?" I said as I walked to switch the laundry over. Then I heard a distinct, "why not?". The question didn't come from her, but it very well could have.

I stopped on my way to the laundry and turned around to walk back to the table. Then I abruptly turned back around because the laundry needed to be turned over still. I turned the laundry and then made my way back to the table.

"Sweets, do you wanna see what happens when you mix the colors together?"

Excitement filled her eyes and as if she was about to receive something magical, she whispered, "yes, momma."

The next hour was a perfect hour spent making green, purple, orange, brown, pink, light blue, light yellow and a variety of other random not named colors. That hour was perfect. The dishes needed to be done, the floors were crying for a broom, but this is what I NEEDED to do.

I wonder what other things that I am saying why to that I need to be saying why not to, instead.

Who are you working for?

A few weekends ago, I had taken the dog out, fed her, deep cleaned and reorganized the entire kitchen, cleaned little girl's room, and made coffee while taking care of the Sweetness all before 8 am. Was he going to notice? In the perfect world, would he wake up, give me a kiss on my puffy, no make up, morning face, tell me I look beautiful and then marvel at the amount I had accomplished so early?

Would it bother me if he didn't notice at all?
Honestly, yes. It would. Why?

As I was cleaning, Colossians 3:23-24 came to mind,

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Well hello there, gut punch. Work as unto the Lord. What does that look like practically? Well a good place to start is to get rid of that running tally mark system I have going in my head. There is no more I did this, so you do that mentality. I did this, as unto the Lord. And I will gladly do that as well, as unto the Lord.

This is so hard. How is it possible to do the best of your ability without seeking merit for what you've done? There is something to be said about desiring good results from hard work. If I work hard on a new cake recipe, I want it to taste good. If I spend a lot of time cleaning, I want someone to notice.

The only snag in this line of thinking is that someone does notice. My Pastor recently pointed out that we are so quick to believe that the air we breathe is real, but we don't realize or believe the presence of the Holy Spirit that is everywhere, all the time. Work as unto the Lord. Work hard to please the Lord. That should be even more of a motivation than to please my husband or my daughter or my house guests.

If I am truly working to honor and please the Lord, then it doesn't matter what others think. God is interested in the motive behind what I'm doing more than what I'm actually doing.

How do I accomplish this?
Let me first begin by saying I'm not that good at it, but I'm improving. I'm determined that will change and hopefully in a short time I will be able to say that I'm better and will continue to improve!

One thing that is absolutely necessary to making this happen is my quiet time in the morning. I need that time with Him. I need that sweet rest and rejuvenation that I receive by pouring my heart out to Him, praising Him for His goodness and faithfulness, and receiving my encouragements and charges for the day. If I don't start my day out this way, I am lucky to end the day with just barely functioning. If I want to thrive, I have to come to the feet of Jesus and just rest in His promises.

Something else that helps is scripture memory. "But I'm terrible at scripture memory!", you say. No, I am the worst at scripture memory. It's nearly impossible to keep anything longer than a day old in my brain. It's REALLY hard for me, but so incredibly beneficial. The Holy Spirit reminded me that I was working unto the Lord, but I had already had that verse hidden in my heart. He was just reminding me of something that I already knew.

Another really important thing is surrounding yourself with people who love Jesus, respect their spouses, love people, and dearly desire to change the world. This has changed my whole life. They help me not focus on whether my husband will think I'm sexy, and instead I am thinking of ways that I can honor and serve Him, which is just plan hard to do sometimes. I have friends that won't make me feel better when I am throwing a fit, but will instead flood me with truth and encourage me to do the right thing. It's just a good reinforcement on how I want to live my life.

The last thing that I do is sing. I meditate on worship and bury those songs deep in my heart. I sing them often, sometimes without even thinking about it. But it's good when you heart and brain's autopilot is still singing praises to God. It just helps me. It might not help you. To each their own.

I will never be perfect. I will never get it right all the time. I don't even get it right most of the time right now. But I'm trying. I'm striving. I'm striving to know more, do more, be more. I'm striving to honor more, cherish more, and serve more. I'm striving to sacrifice self and not give 50% effort, but instead give 100% effort, 100% of the time.

I'm striving to be more like Jesus, while still being me.
Not easy, but not impossible, and so worth it.

For those of you wondering if I got the response I wanted, the Mr. woke up, noticed the clean house and gave me a kiss. He didn't have to, but God gives good gifts, and marrying my handsome Mr. was one of the best gifts I have ever received.

I can't think outside the box

I don't know how to think outside the box. It's actually more than that. I don't even really enjoy thinking outside of the box. I don't know why this has been brought to my attention more and more lately, but it has me seriously analyzing my thought process.

Today my handsome Mr. asked me "If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?" Oh dear, anxiety, I don't like that question. Why? Why not dream, and dream big? Sounds inviting and exciting, right? I often see those motivational posters, E-cards, and GIF's that people post. It's a nice idea that makes me sigh longingly thinking about the future, but those thoughts are still within certain parameters. Reasonable parameters.

Parameter as defined by Wikipedia (reliable source, I know) as this:

Parameter in its common meaning, is a characteristic, feature, or measurable factor that can help in defining a particular system. A parameter is an important element to consider in evaluation or comprehension of an event, project, or situation.

I like this. It seems right. Don't ask me what I would want if I could have anything. My immediate response is to only answer that question with a string of several other questions.

Anything? Anything pertaining to what, exactly? For right this second? Or for forever? Are you wanting to find me a Christmas present or are we talking super powers and curing cancer? Anything that we can afford? Or any anything in the whole realm of everything? That's a daunting task. Pick only one thing? What's more important? I would need to make a list of the pro's and con's of everything that I could possibly want/need. But there are people out there that need something more than me. So now my list would need to include a list of any anything that anyone of everyone could possibly want or need from now until forever? And are we talking tangible things? Or intangible things? Are you asking as a fun question for now or for life goals?

What type of answer are you looking for?

Why does it matter what they are looking for?

This is not the first time that it has surfaced, either. I have been faced with these types of questions a lot recently. It actually all started with the queen of asking out of the box questions, one of my friends, Lana. I don't remember what question she posted on Facebook, but I do remember answering it the best that I knew how. Then to my dismay I saw other comments coming in. I also remember getting slightly stirred and posting another comment saying something to the effect of, "I didn't know that was an option". Lana, I'm assuming with a smile on her face, commented that her friends often think outside of the box. After Facebook stalking her page for several weeks, I saw just how absolutely right she was. She might as well post a blank status and have people comment random things. (That is a tad dramatic, I realize.)

People used to tell me when I was younger that I was a dreamer. I believed them, however, as I age both physically and mentally, I realize that they were equating joy and optimism with dreaming. An eternal optimist? 100% accurate. A dreamer at heart? Within a certain set parameters of achievable goals, yes. But is that really dreaming? Isn't that just setting a goal and working hard to obtain it?

Webster defines a Dreamer like this:

One who lives in a world of fancy and imagination.
One who has ideas or conceives projects regarded as impractical.

I know a large part of this commotion in my brain and heart is a touch of envy. It looks so freeing to be able to think without rules, parameters, or consequences. But was this a problem with my thinking? Is it ok to be ok with thinking inside the box? Was I just being complacent? Was it better to think outside the box? Was I just comparing myself to others, or did I discover something that I can change in myself to be better?

A couple weeks ago I took a personality test. Not a BuzzFeed, What is your spirit animal, type test, but an in-depth, *Myers-Briggs personality exam. When I received the results, they were spot on through every account, down to the synopsis picture it gave me.

As I read the description, I read a string of sentences that made me happy, honestly a little too embarrassingly happy to admit. It says that the ESFJ works best with structure, rules, guidelines, and organization. It was the first time that I heard/thought that there was nothing wrong with me or my thinking. (We can analyze that string of thoughts and conclusion later) Somehow in that very moment, whether right or wrong, I knew that there were other people out there like me. That was just enough momentary comfort to send me into my next round of analysis.

What does this mean? For my thinking? For my analysis of problems? For my life? How does this line up with what I believe? Is my personality holding me back? That sounds like a silly question, but it's not. How can I have faith in a great and powerful God who can do anything if my brain can't even wrap around what that "anything" could possibly be? How can I pray for miracles, if my mind is limited to tangible assets and liabilities? I know that not everyone is given the same spiritual gifts, abilities, and callings, but what part of it is useful for the kingdom and was specifically chosen for me by God, and what part has been ingrained in my thinking through the influences and experiences of this world? What part of this do I embrace as me wholeheartedly and be the best that I can be, and what part of that do I defy and say that I am not limited by my mere physical brain because I have the Spirit of the Living God who raised Christ from the dead living in me? At what point does one over take the other, or how do they work together for maximum efficiency and effectiveness for the Kingdom?

I wish I had an answer for you. I wish I could close this blog out with some meaningful epiphany that explains it all. But I don't. I'm still working through it. I'm still journaling and praying. I'm still in progress. I still have a LOT of work to be done in me.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will." 

So the renewing and testing continues...

*You can take the personality exam by clicking here.

Hallelujah will be my chorus

Psalm 18:30-35 
As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You make your saving help my shield, and your right hand sustains me; your help has made me great.

Help me see through your lenses when my eyes are foggy with fear.
I'm helpless, but you are powerful.
I don't understand, but you see and know all.
I am worried, but you are merciful and so gentle in the way you receive me.
I am flawed, but you are perfect.
My heart is easily swayed, but you are steadfast.
My flesh makes hasty judgment but you are wise and discerning.
You have been good, you are good, and you will continue to be good. All the time.

Any feat you request, my answer is yes.
Through any storm, hallelujah will be my chorus.

Lullaby Osmosis?

Listening to worship songs, in between intermittent snores, rise in Sweetness' room as lullabies and my mind can't help to wonder: Did I do enough to show her the the Father's heart today? Did I pour into her heart enough? Did I listen enough? Did I give her love in the best way SHE receives it? Did I show her enough kindness and compassion that she would know how to model kindness and compassion to others? Probably not, but I did my best. My heart aches for her to chase after Him. I pray, from the deepest corners of my soul, that those sweet lyrics rest over her heart, fuse into her memories, and that she would grow to know the vast love the Father has for her.

I live in the wonder of Your love
You rise like the sun in my heart
Even when the night draws near me
There You are

I will wade in the water of mercy
I will walk in the light of Your will
Whatever should come against me
Teach me to be still

As You sing over me
Draw me close to rest in Your peace
Sing over me, oh, sing

Sing of Your unending faithfulness
That knows no doubt or fear
In the face of all that I don't know yet
Remind me of who You are

Sing over me
Draw me close to rest in Your peace
Sing over me, oh, sing

You are mighty, You will save
Rejoice over me with singing
You will quiet by Your love
Glory over me with singing

You are mighty, You will save
Rejoice over me with singing
You will quiet by Your love
Glory over me with singing

Sing over me
Draw me close to rest in Your peace
Sing over me, oh, sing

Oh, sing over me
Draw me close to rest in Your peace
Sing over me, oh, sing
Sing

-Bethany Dillon and Nichole Nordeman "Sing Over Me"

This Mountain

1 Peter 5: 6-11
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober minded; be watchful, your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever.

I don't know how to handle this mountain. It's too big. Too close to home. You say here humble myself so that you may exalt me, not can. Interesting choice of words. Humbling myself then is not a big red button that allows you to exalt me, but a heart requirement that puts me in the perfect position to hear you, see you work, feel you move in my heart and really see changes. Well here I am. I don't know how to handle this mountain. I don't have the answers or the map the find the answers. I don't know what to do with these feelings of anxiety and fear that swell up. This is a situation that I can't control, but you care. You so sweetly care for me and my family.

You say to be sober-minded and watchful. I know there is an enemy. I'm not oblivious like I was before. I am on guard and will resist his advances. My faith is firm in your truth in Psalm 139 and I believe that truth that you see me, know me, and love every part of me that I relinquish to you as well as the parts that I try to keep hidden.

Psalm 139:1-17
Oh Lord, you have looked through me and have known me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You understand my thoughts from far away. You look over my path and my lying down. You know all my ways very well. Even before I speak a word, Oh Lord, You know it all. You have closed me in from behind and in front. And you have laid your hand upon me. All you know is too great for me. It is to much for me to understand. Where can I go from your Spirit? Or where can I run away from where you are? IF I go up to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in the place f the dead, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning or live in the farthest part of the sea, even there your hand will lead me and your right hand will hold me. If I say, "For sure the darkness will cover me and the light around me will be night," even the darkness if not dark to you. And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are the same to you. For you made the parts inside m. You put me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you, for the greatness of the way I was made brings fear. Your works are great and my soul knows it very well. My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret and put together with care in the deep part of the earth. Your eyes saw me before I was put together. And all the days of my life were written in your book before any of them came to be. Your thoughts are of great worth to me, Oh God. How many there are! If I could number them, there would be more than the sand When I awake, I am still with you. 

This type of mountain is different. It's tall and wide with hidden caverns and winding roads. It's unknown territory. It's terrifying. But in 1 Peter you say that there are other people just like me who are dealing with the same mountain. It's a relief to my soul to know that I am not alone on this journey. I wish I could meet that person; that one in the same boat as me. But would that be beneficial? Would we just encourage each others fear? Would they have different levels of anxiety that would add to mine? No, maybe it's best that I don't know that person. I don't need any help in finding different dimensions of this mountain to fear. But it is a sweet, quiet hum in my soul to know that I am not alone in staring at this mountain. I will pray for you, my dear friend. Whoever you are out there dealing with this treacherous mountain. I pray that the same peace I long for will come to you swiftly and that your mountain will not just be moved, but will be blown to pieces in the powerful name of Jesus. And in the meantime, before God handles this in the way that only He can, I will pray that He quiets your mind and shows you endlessly that He is for you, and that He is good. All the time.

I know that this mountain is temporary. And I know that that word "temporary" is such a fluid term for this life. Will this mountain go away while I'm still alive, or is the mountain temporary while I am still on this temporary earth? Will it be solved? Will justice be dealt like my human heart so desires? Or will I die still praying the same prayers? Either way, I know the question I must ask myself is not if the mountain will go away, but will I still trust and believe that if in this lifetime, this mountain doesn't go away, God is still all-powerful, merciful, just, loving, forgiving, and continuously working good for me; and if I allow it, through me.

Will I allow Him to work good through me in this time? Will I daily strive to choose faith over fear? Will I continue, for however long it takes, to pray believing that God answers prayers? This is the true fight. The mountain itself is just a means to an end. It is the way that the enemy is working to win the battle over my heart and my mind.

I don't know how I would be able to handle this mountain for the rest of my life. But if I do, if relief doesn't come, if things aren't solved. I will still forever proclaim that God is perfect and good in all His ways.

Today, I put on the belt of truth.
Today I say, I am not guaranteed life tomorrow or even the next moment, so for as long as I live, I will continue to proclaim that He is good.

What makes you come alive?

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Gill Bailie

What makes me come alive?

That ding of a text message, notification from my email, buzz of an incoming call, knock on the door, comment on a blog or post, picking people's brains, hearing their opinions, getting their version of the story, hearing their vision for the future, laughing with my lifegroup, vulnerability, open conversation, trust.
I love to write and I love when people read what I write. I love to hear people's opinion, their stories that are similar or different to mine, and their experiences that have changed them. I love to be connected and intertwined with my friends and family.

Community. That's what makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

It's like I've known him forever. Like he was made for me and I was fashioned for him. There is not much I have been more sure about than my decision to marry Jacob. His laugh when he thinks something is really funny, the way his eyes light up when he sees me, the gentle way he holds Sweetness when she is sleepy, how he provides for us without even thinking about it, his desire to lead our family whole-heartedly after God, those are the things that make me fall more in love with him everyday.

I knew in 7 days that I wanted to marry Jacob. And the thought of possibly having the next 70 years to share with him makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

I'm drawn to a memory of my hand interlaced between the little fingers of my daughter, her head on my chest, and her cute little giggle and whisper of repeating the words I'm saying while praying. Hearing her say thank you to Jesus and telling Him that we love Him is so precious for my soul even if she is just repeating them. I know that by merely saying those words, seeds are being planted of His goodness in her heart, which is the sweetest thing that could she could have.

My little girl talking to Jesus and hearing of His goodness, faithfulness, and love for her and me getting the incredible opportunity to be a part of that as we make memories throughout the years makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

I smile and laugh out loud as I think about the roar of sweet melodies and harmonies accompanied by lifted hands in worship. My community, my friends, my family all praising God with open hearts. Some praying, some crying, some laughing, some on their knees begging for God to invade and fall afresh on us as Jeremy Riddle's song says:

Awaken my soul, come awake
To hunger, to seek, to thirst
Awaken first love, come awake
And do as You did at first

Spirit of the Living God come fall afresh on me
come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul
Pour in me to overflow,
to overflow

Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade

Praise and worship to our worthy, merciful, just, perfect, and loving King.
That makes me come alive.

What makes you come alive? Go do that.

Warped Warfare

I've always been in awe of Paul preaching the gospel from prison. It's hard to fathom Philippians 1:12-18. In my Southern Baptist Christian American bubble, I always thought that kind of faith was something in the past. They were closer to Jesus, or connected with Him more somehow. I didn't see people have that kind of joy and resolve in tough situations in the regular life I knew. Instead, I saw people complain about their weight or get their feelings hurt too easily over something dumb. It was only during my alone time with God that I would have moments of clarity. My dad leaving, my mom dying, being uprooted and moved to a new family, being separated from my siblings - yet, I believed Jesus came to die for me and all the evil in the world. I believed that the Bible was true, and the Bible said that God was, is, and will always be good.

People told me that God loved me.
I was told that He has a purpose in all things.
But  the picture that had been painted for me of God's character was more of a happy grandpa who knew nothing of the real world. I didn't see the connection between the powerful and Sovereign God of Paul to the nice and happy God that we sang to on Sunday morning.

I wish I knew then what I know now.
The devil's main scheme is to anchor denial, doubt, fear, and lies into your soul. It is my responsibility to use the victory that has already been one to combat every flaming arrow that comes my way. EVERY flaming arrow. I don't have to be persecuted in a foreign country or in prison. I can just be missing my mom one day on a Saturday afternoon and the enemy will creep in like a nasty black smoke to plant seeds of anger, discontentment, sadness, and ultimately doubt that God does care about me.

I wish that someone would have told me this. I knew then as much as I know now that God is real. That wasn't an issue for me. I could study the intricacy of the human body, and see the beautiful creation all around me and just feel His presence. The sun shining down on me would literally feel like His Spirit soaking into my very bones. I knew He was real. The doubt was not planted of His existence, no, but a far more cruel thought. He existed, but He didn't care about me. He had forgotten or made a mistake. Why was I even here if all of that was going to happen to me? Did he not care that I cry myself to sleep? I couldn't measure up to what people were asking of me. I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or good enough. Why did I even exist? Was I some botched experiment that went wrong?

I know now that even typing those words out aches in God's heart. I remember a moment that really changed my life was hearing Matthew West's song "More".

I love you more than the sun and the stars
That I taught how to shine,
You are mine and you shine for me too.
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow I'll say it again and again
I love you more.

Typing the lyrics out from memory still puts a lump in my throat. When the arrows being fired were more than I could combat, God got to me. When I didn't even know how to call out for help, He fought on my behalf. When I was sinking in the waves of the storm, He called out to me to keep my eyes on Him.

The enemy planted seeds of hatred, adultery, and all other types of mistrust in my parent's marriage so that they split when I was young.
The enemy crowded my mom's thoughts and allowed her to make one of the most detrimental decisions a human can make.
The enemy crept into my heart and set up traps on every holiday and even several normal days.
Lies. All lies.

Can I miss my dad and mom and the relationships I could have had with them? Yes. I believe that the Lord grieves with me over what evil has done. But wallow in that grief and let it overtake thoughts of who I am? Absolutely not!

I wish I had known that I could use my circumstances to show God's goodness. I wish I had known that I would have the incredible opportunity to share His love and kindness to people who were in the same boat as me. I wish I knew that it wasn't just something that I had to bear with me and accept the "it's just God's will" statement for the rest of my life. All of my life I have heard people tell me, "It's ok to not be ok." But do they know that it's ok to be ok during the storm too? Why has it become so uncommon for us to have peace when the Author of Peace lives inside of us? Doesn't that seem backwards? 

So I can't do anything else but to beg you not to water down the gospel for other's who are hurting. Let them hurt, yes. They are allowed to grieve. But it hurts worse to have no purpose in pain than to know that God has won the victory over EVERY kind of darkness and there is a way to use this for His glory. We don't have to be sitting targets for martyrdom. We are called to continuously be ready to combat the enemy. We don't only have a shield, we have a sword. We are to fight. We are to deny the enemies claims over our friends and relatives.

I don't have all of the answers for why something specific happens, except that the enemy is actively working to warp your mind and draw you away from the only thing that is truly 100% good for you - a relationship with Jesus.

Don't let that happen.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete."
2 Corinthians 10:4-6

Now is hard, but now is perfect.

I might be the multitasking queen.
I might be just losing my mind trying to juggle it all.
I might be crazy to take on so much.
I might secretly love the challenge of the chaos.
I might be crazy in love.

Scratch that 'might'. I definitely am.
Crazy in love with Ryot and her beautiful long eyelashes and perfect little hands.
Crazy in love with Jacob and the way he makes me laugh.
Crazy in love with all of my friends and family who are stepping in to make me feel like a million bucks during this crazy wedding season.
Crazy in love with my precious Abba who chases after me when I don't even know which way is up.

Soon, some of the trees will be oranges, reds, and browns and the wind will be refreshing. The leaves will crackle under our feet as we run our errands and visit with family.
Soon, some of the days on my calendar will be empty and I will miss the chaos of going here and there. But this also means that introverted Mr. and daughter will jointly have a pleasant sigh of relief as they revel in the thought of an evening at home.
Soon, it will be Christmas, my favorite time of the year, and I will get to celebrate the birth of Jesus and make memories with my Mr. and Sweetness and Gracie as one family under one roof.
Soon my little sister will be saying "I do" just as I would have recently done and I know I will be crying as all the memories play through my head.

So for now I will run with the wild things, chase my errands, and laugh as everything is somehow crazily being sorted into it's proper place and timing.

I've never been a fan of being in between things, but this time is so sweet and precious to me. There is so much I'm looking forward to, and there is so much I've been through that makes me so grateful for where I am now.

Today is busy. Today is hard. But today is all I've got right now. So I will not wish today away. I will smile and cherish every moment.

Every Single Day

I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of when I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory's yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You're not far from home
-"Out Of Hiding", Steffany Gretzinger

Even typing those lyrics out wrecks me so much. I listen to this album every day. Every. Single Day. This is not an exaggeration. I wake up craving my Bible, journal, cup of coffee and this album playing as all of my walls come crashing down.

I feel He is near and then He gently knocks on one of my doors and asks, "Can I come in?"
"Are you sure you want to?" is the first thing that pops in my mind.
Coming in here is messy. It's chaotic. Sometimes it's not fun. Sometimes it's exhausting.
I find myself doubting. Surely not me, Lord. You want me?
You saw me in all my unbelief and junk and still chose me?

Yes.
So simple.
So huge.
Yes. He chose me.
So I am humbled, honored, and truly beside myself to say I choose Him to. Every. Single. Day.

Thieves don't wear flashing neon signs

God is big. Bigger than you could ever imagine; full of extravagant love, immeasurable patience, perfect justice, overflowing mercy, and incalculable wisdom and knowledge. 

We've heard these things or read them. We know. We might smile reading them, offer up a thank you to Him, or declare them over the mountain we are currently battling. But do we really know deep in our soul? Is it written on our heart?

We stress about our finances, relationships, hardships, or illnesses. Sometimes we get our priorities out of whack. That's normal; human, right? Most Christians won't flat out say, "God can't handle this." But our actions, fear, anxiety, and lack of faith speak even louder. 

The problem is that we are slightly underestimating our enemy and grossly underestimating our Great Victor. What we don't realize is that Satan isn't more powerful than God, but he is sneaky. Most of the time he isn't going to appear on the road and slash a hole in your tire while you are on the way to church. John 10:10a says, "The thief comes only to steal kill and destroy." Of all the stories I've read, thieves tend to break in when no one is home. They steal when no one is looking. They are mischievous, quiet, and typically appear when you least expect it. And we somehow expect Satan, the leader of the thieves, to walk in wearing a flashing neon sign that says, "I'm here to steal your joy"? I hate to break it to you, but that's not how it works at all. 

He creeps in like a silent black smoke. He enters a conversation with your husband and makes you argue over something stupid. He clouds your vision of the beauty that is already in you. He whispers lies; the same lies that you thought you had already gotten over. He makes you assume the worst. He clouds your judgement. He plays stretches your patience. He makes sin look enticing and fun. He makes you sleepy when you should be paying attention. He is responsible for "waking up on the wrong side of the bed."*

*side note: That's not actually a thing. You know that, right? Being happy is a choice. The bed has nothing to do with you being a jerk to your barista before you get your coffee fix. 

**side side note: I'm not speaking for clinical depression or any other imbalance that needs medication or medical attention. I'm speaking for the people who just don't want to act right in the morning.

The only reason acceptable is that you didn't realize the enemy creeping in to steal your joy and purpose. 

We don't need to pray, "God, help me be strong." The same strength that raised Jesus from the dead lives in you. A miracle of raising to life after being dead for three days doesn't cut it? What more strength could you possibly be looking for? 

Instead I pray, God, help me to see. Help me to feel. Help me to discern what is true. Help me to realize the potential and power I have with your full artillery in my support. Help me to remember the victory is already won. Help me to give a good testimony of your greatness by your grace no matter what is in front of me. 

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

The crap that happens on this earth is not the only thing life is about. What matters is that all people get to taste and see the goodness of the Lord. (Psalm 34:8) He is good. He is always good. Relationship with Him is sweet and my most precious possession. Anything that is not good does not originate from His character. There is grave evil in the world; sneaky smoke that creeps in to destroy everything that Jesus died to save and set free.

We are human. We get to make decisions. That is the freedom that has so graciously been given to us. We get to choose to love. We get to choose to harness the power inside of us to change the world. We get to silence the foe and avenger (Psalm 8:2). Along with that, we also get to discern that any thing that in it's current state of not bringing glory to God is not permanent; but a distraction and lie from the enemy. It is actually our next opportunity to change what was meant for evil to be used for good to the glory of the Great King. (Genesis 50:20)

Stop letting the enemy steal your joy! When you feel that creep of impatience, discontentment, unrest, ungratefulness, complaining, abandonment, rejection, mistrust, anxiety, or anything other than what is perfect and meant for our good, you have to call that smoke for what it is. Because in that moment, God hasn't left. He is still there. The enemy has been doing a great job convincing you that you don't have the victory, but you do. He was already defeated on the cross. You have the power. And this is your opportunity to shine. 

Have you ever thought of it that way? That obstacle is an opportunity for you to show off God's power. That conversation is an opportunity for you to show the unconditional love of God. That moment with your children is an opportunity to give them a glimpse of His character. That irritation with your spouse is an opportunity to practice selflessly giving love and acceptance to others whether they deserve it or whether they even will accept it. 

This is our responsibility. Not a forced chore that we have to be burdened with. But an honor to defend the name and character of our Great God and reclaim what the thief has been stealing!

That's worth smiling about

I hear you saying

You don't have to do a thing

Just simply be with me 

and let those things go

'Cause they can wait another minute

Wait, this moment is too sweet

Would you please stay here with me 

And love on me a little longer

Just letting these words resonate deep in my soul this evening. Sometimes it's hard to understand that the perfect, wonderful, all-powerful, all-knowing God wants to just sit with me and love on me. I know full well all my sins, my attitude problems, my over-analytical mistrust, my independence, my self-satisfying drive, my quirks.  His love is magnified an incalculable amount compared to my love for anything else. That is the good stuff. The meat and potatoes. The brightest color. The most valuable treasure.

I don't have to measure up to whatever scale that society or I have created for myself.
I don't have to do a thing.
That is a beautiful thing worth smiling about. 

Because He delights to answer

"Because I said so" has come out of my mouth a couple times. Ok, more than a couple times. I admit that I sometimes don't have the patience or time to explain things to my 3 year old. Sometimes I do have the time to tell her that if she drinks a second cup of chocolate milk her stomach will hurt really bad and half the time I still get the response "I want it". This means even though I did take the time to explain, my answer is still "No, because I said so." It's how things are right now, because she is 3.

As she grows older and understands more, she will be able to make more informed decisions on her own. She will get the chance to experience what consequences of actions feel like when they aren't all mom's fault. She will also get to the point of shifting the scale from mostly selfish decisions to seeing the bigger picture. The thing is, I love saying yes. I love to tell Sweetness that she can have "brown milk" or that she can watch that movie or that we can go to the park. Sometimes I love to surprise her with special outings that she didn't even ask for. Because I love to bless her. Because she is mine. Because I love her.

My favorite times to say yes are when she is asking for things that aren't merely things. These are my favorite things to say yes to.
I want a hug-- YES I will huge you so tight that you squeak!
I want a kiss.-- YES I will kiss you all over until you are sick of it!
I want you to lay down 'bout me.-- YES I will lay with you and play with your hair.
I want to sit in your yap.-- YES you can always sit in my lap and cuddle.

Yes. Every time, yes.
I don't think I could love her more. I have tried. I can't.
She is absolutely perfect. She is not perfect.
She has flaws and attitude problems.
Sometimes she is too strong-willed.
Sometimes she throws fits in public places or growls at strangers in the parking lot.
Sometimes she just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and is mean for no reason.
She is not perfect in deed, but she is perfect from the freckle on the end of her nose all the way to her feet that are about 2 sizes bigger than everyone else her age.

So I delight to say yes.

If I delight to say yes, how much more would God want to give us what we are asking for?

In 2 Chronicles 1 God tells Solomon, "Ask what I shall give you." He essentially asks Solomon for his Christmas list. The immeasurable, limitless, all-powerful God asked Solomon not just "what do you want" but "what shall I give you?". Dear sweet Solomon replies, "You have shown great and steadfast love to David my father, and have made me king in his place. O Lord God, let your word to David my father be now fulfilled, for you have made me king over a people as numerous as the dust of the earth. Give me now wisdom and knowledge to go out and come in before this people, for who can govern this people of yours, which is so great?" God answered Solomon, "Because this was in your heart, and you have not asked for possessions, wealth, honor, or the life of those who hate you, and have not even asked for long life, but have asked for wisdom and knowledge for yourself that you may govern my people over whom I have made you king, wisdom and knowledge are granted to you."

Solomon asked, and God answered. But God didn't stop there. It delighted God to give Solomon more than he was asking for. God kept speaking and said, "I will also give you riches, possessions, and honor, such as none of the kings had who were before you, and none after you shall have the like." Not only is God giving Solomon what he is asking for, but more than he probably even thought to ask for.

God answered because He delights to answer.