Momma's Musings

I couldn't come up with a title for this one. I was having trouble bringing it down to one short and simple phrase that encapsulates all that I was thinking and feeling while writing this. I left it open to the first person who gave me an idea and my friend Ann came through for me. You can check out her blog by clicking here. She is always so wonderfully encouraging. 

So here it goes: Momma's Musings



My Sweetness is not always sweet. Shocker, right? I know. I'm sorry to burst your fantasy bubble.

When I was pregnant I prayed that she would be fiercely independent, confident, strong, assertive, and that she would love people well. The first couple things she has down pat. She is a pro. But love? That is a little tricky. I know for a fact that she loves me, Mr, our pup, and I can list a couple other people that she undeniably loves. But loving people in general? Being friendly and likeable? Not usually.

Monday, as we were walking trough HEB, people that approached her didn't meet the Sweets that I know. They didn't see her creativity and spunk. They didn't get to hear her laugh and know what she is passionate about. Instead they met a shy and grumpy little girl who didn't want to have any part in talking to strangers; unwilling to say hello, with a scowl on her face. She didn't care if they liked her at all. She was just cruising on her own path. I am thankful that I don't have to worry about her talking to strangers, but this is not exactly what I expected.

Gosh, am I doing this parenting thing right? What is 'right', anyway? I definitely got what I prayed for. Did I maybe pray too much? Why did God give me what I was asking for? Was I so scared of her becoming the pushover, door mat that I was growing up that I prayed for a quadruple portion of confidence? What do I have to offer her? How can I, as an insecure extrovert, try to guide and raise a confident introvert like my sweet girl? I don't understand how she thinks sometimes. I know what to expect and can be prepared to handle the decisions she makes because I know her, but I don't understand why or how she comes to the conclusions she does. Our brains are different. Our personalities are different. Our souls are different and unique.

I was talking to a friend on Sunday about the possibility of kids in the future for him and his wife. One of the topics we discussed was about expectations and the impossible scale of comparison that is created when our happiness depends on our children's behavior. He laughed when I told him to throw all of his expectations out of the window. I used to always hate when people would tell me that I would understand when I had kids, but it's so true. I explained to him that if I birthed the perfect kid, how perfect is designed in my brain, then I wouldn't need God; and children are definitely one of the ways to get people to cry out to God for help.

I'm not just talking about behavioral issues.
I'm talking about the almost unbearable pain it is to where your heart literally outside of your body.
I'm talking about loving someone so much who doesn't even know what love is.
I'm talking about the mystery of beginning with a helpless baby and ending with a responsible, kind, loving, helpful, passionate, hardworking person who chases after God.

Am I a responsible, kind, loving, helpful, passionate hard working person that Sweetness can look up to? What am I modeling for her?

I do my best. I pray, a lot. I read my Bible. I pour my heart out to God. I journal often. I seek counsel from friends, family, and leaders. I am always consciously aware of my need for more of Jesus.

That is the point. That is all that's needed.
If I believe that God is powerful, all-knowing, sovereign, and loving, which I do, then seeking Him is the best possible thing I can do.

I am not perfect. Sweets is not perfect.
But somehow, according to a grand master plan, we are the perfect match for each other.
And my heart probably could burst into a thousand pieces with the overwhelming love I have for my precious, sweet, adorable, angel.

And I will not quit praying for her and fighting for her and loving her until I draw my last breath.

So today, I will quiet my insecurity.
I will rest in the beautiful truth that God loves Sweets more than I do and is more than willing to guide Mr. and me through the crazy journey of parenting.
I will believe that He knows what He is doing by giving me the great gift of being her mommy.
I will learn to laugh at myself and get up after I fail, and fail again.
I will continue to strive to be the best example of a Godly woman that I can be for my smart, confident, loving, spicy Sweetness.
Most of all, I will try my hardest to showcase who Jesus really is and the vast love He has for her.