Warped Warfare

I've always been in awe of Paul preaching the gospel from prison. It's hard to fathom Philippians 1:12-18. In my Southern Baptist Christian American bubble, I always thought that kind of faith was something in the past. They were closer to Jesus, or connected with Him more somehow. I didn't see people have that kind of joy and resolve in tough situations in the regular life I knew. Instead, I saw people complain about their weight or get their feelings hurt too easily over something dumb. It was only during my alone time with God that I would have moments of clarity. My dad leaving, my mom dying, being uprooted and moved to a new family, being separated from my siblings - yet, I believed Jesus came to die for me and all the evil in the world. I believed that the Bible was true, and the Bible said that God was, is, and will always be good.

People told me that God loved me.
I was told that He has a purpose in all things.
But  the picture that had been painted for me of God's character was more of a happy grandpa who knew nothing of the real world. I didn't see the connection between the powerful and Sovereign God of Paul to the nice and happy God that we sang to on Sunday morning.

I wish I knew then what I know now.
The devil's main scheme is to anchor denial, doubt, fear, and lies into your soul. It is my responsibility to use the victory that has already been one to combat every flaming arrow that comes my way. EVERY flaming arrow. I don't have to be persecuted in a foreign country or in prison. I can just be missing my mom one day on a Saturday afternoon and the enemy will creep in like a nasty black smoke to plant seeds of anger, discontentment, sadness, and ultimately doubt that God does care about me.

I wish that someone would have told me this. I knew then as much as I know now that God is real. That wasn't an issue for me. I could study the intricacy of the human body, and see the beautiful creation all around me and just feel His presence. The sun shining down on me would literally feel like His Spirit soaking into my very bones. I knew He was real. The doubt was not planted of His existence, no, but a far more cruel thought. He existed, but He didn't care about me. He had forgotten or made a mistake. Why was I even here if all of that was going to happen to me? Did he not care that I cry myself to sleep? I couldn't measure up to what people were asking of me. I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or good enough. Why did I even exist? Was I some botched experiment that went wrong?

I know now that even typing those words out aches in God's heart. I remember a moment that really changed my life was hearing Matthew West's song "More".

I love you more than the sun and the stars
That I taught how to shine,
You are mine and you shine for me too.
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow I'll say it again and again
I love you more.

Typing the lyrics out from memory still puts a lump in my throat. When the arrows being fired were more than I could combat, God got to me. When I didn't even know how to call out for help, He fought on my behalf. When I was sinking in the waves of the storm, He called out to me to keep my eyes on Him.

The enemy planted seeds of hatred, adultery, and all other types of mistrust in my parent's marriage so that they split when I was young.
The enemy crowded my mom's thoughts and allowed her to make one of the most detrimental decisions a human can make.
The enemy crept into my heart and set up traps on every holiday and even several normal days.
Lies. All lies.

Can I miss my dad and mom and the relationships I could have had with them? Yes. I believe that the Lord grieves with me over what evil has done. But wallow in that grief and let it overtake thoughts of who I am? Absolutely not!

I wish I had known that I could use my circumstances to show God's goodness. I wish I had known that I would have the incredible opportunity to share His love and kindness to people who were in the same boat as me. I wish I knew that it wasn't just something that I had to bear with me and accept the "it's just God's will" statement for the rest of my life. All of my life I have heard people tell me, "It's ok to not be ok." But do they know that it's ok to be ok during the storm too? Why has it become so uncommon for us to have peace when the Author of Peace lives inside of us? Doesn't that seem backwards? 

So I can't do anything else but to beg you not to water down the gospel for other's who are hurting. Let them hurt, yes. They are allowed to grieve. But it hurts worse to have no purpose in pain than to know that God has won the victory over EVERY kind of darkness and there is a way to use this for His glory. We don't have to be sitting targets for martyrdom. We are called to continuously be ready to combat the enemy. We don't only have a shield, we have a sword. We are to fight. We are to deny the enemies claims over our friends and relatives.

I don't have all of the answers for why something specific happens, except that the enemy is actively working to warp your mind and draw you away from the only thing that is truly 100% good for you - a relationship with Jesus.

Don't let that happen.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete."
2 Corinthians 10:4-6