I can't think outside the box

I don't know how to think outside the box. It's actually more than that. I don't even really enjoy thinking outside of the box. I don't know why this has been brought to my attention more and more lately, but it has me seriously analyzing my thought process.

Today my handsome Mr. asked me "If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?" Oh dear, anxiety, I don't like that question. Why? Why not dream, and dream big? Sounds inviting and exciting, right? I often see those motivational posters, E-cards, and GIF's that people post. It's a nice idea that makes me sigh longingly thinking about the future, but those thoughts are still within certain parameters. Reasonable parameters.

Parameter as defined by Wikipedia (reliable source, I know) as this:

Parameter in its common meaning, is a characteristic, feature, or measurable factor that can help in defining a particular system. A parameter is an important element to consider in evaluation or comprehension of an event, project, or situation.

I like this. It seems right. Don't ask me what I would want if I could have anything. My immediate response is to only answer that question with a string of several other questions.

Anything? Anything pertaining to what, exactly? For right this second? Or for forever? Are you wanting to find me a Christmas present or are we talking super powers and curing cancer? Anything that we can afford? Or any anything in the whole realm of everything? That's a daunting task. Pick only one thing? What's more important? I would need to make a list of the pro's and con's of everything that I could possibly want/need. But there are people out there that need something more than me. So now my list would need to include a list of any anything that anyone of everyone could possibly want or need from now until forever? And are we talking tangible things? Or intangible things? Are you asking as a fun question for now or for life goals?

What type of answer are you looking for?

Why does it matter what they are looking for?

This is not the first time that it has surfaced, either. I have been faced with these types of questions a lot recently. It actually all started with the queen of asking out of the box questions, one of my friends, Lana. I don't remember what question she posted on Facebook, but I do remember answering it the best that I knew how. Then to my dismay I saw other comments coming in. I also remember getting slightly stirred and posting another comment saying something to the effect of, "I didn't know that was an option". Lana, I'm assuming with a smile on her face, commented that her friends often think outside of the box. After Facebook stalking her page for several weeks, I saw just how absolutely right she was. She might as well post a blank status and have people comment random things. (That is a tad dramatic, I realize.)

People used to tell me when I was younger that I was a dreamer. I believed them, however, as I age both physically and mentally, I realize that they were equating joy and optimism with dreaming. An eternal optimist? 100% accurate. A dreamer at heart? Within a certain set parameters of achievable goals, yes. But is that really dreaming? Isn't that just setting a goal and working hard to obtain it?

Webster defines a Dreamer like this:

One who lives in a world of fancy and imagination.
One who has ideas or conceives projects regarded as impractical.

I know a large part of this commotion in my brain and heart is a touch of envy. It looks so freeing to be able to think without rules, parameters, or consequences. But was this a problem with my thinking? Is it ok to be ok with thinking inside the box? Was I just being complacent? Was it better to think outside the box? Was I just comparing myself to others, or did I discover something that I can change in myself to be better?

A couple weeks ago I took a personality test. Not a BuzzFeed, What is your spirit animal, type test, but an in-depth, *Myers-Briggs personality exam. When I received the results, they were spot on through every account, down to the synopsis picture it gave me.

As I read the description, I read a string of sentences that made me happy, honestly a little too embarrassingly happy to admit. It says that the ESFJ works best with structure, rules, guidelines, and organization. It was the first time that I heard/thought that there was nothing wrong with me or my thinking. (We can analyze that string of thoughts and conclusion later) Somehow in that very moment, whether right or wrong, I knew that there were other people out there like me. That was just enough momentary comfort to send me into my next round of analysis.

What does this mean? For my thinking? For my analysis of problems? For my life? How does this line up with what I believe? Is my personality holding me back? That sounds like a silly question, but it's not. How can I have faith in a great and powerful God who can do anything if my brain can't even wrap around what that "anything" could possibly be? How can I pray for miracles, if my mind is limited to tangible assets and liabilities? I know that not everyone is given the same spiritual gifts, abilities, and callings, but what part of it is useful for the kingdom and was specifically chosen for me by God, and what part has been ingrained in my thinking through the influences and experiences of this world? What part of this do I embrace as me wholeheartedly and be the best that I can be, and what part of that do I defy and say that I am not limited by my mere physical brain because I have the Spirit of the Living God who raised Christ from the dead living in me? At what point does one over take the other, or how do they work together for maximum efficiency and effectiveness for the Kingdom?

I wish I had an answer for you. I wish I could close this blog out with some meaningful epiphany that explains it all. But I don't. I'm still working through it. I'm still journaling and praying. I'm still in progress. I still have a LOT of work to be done in me.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will." 

So the renewing and testing continues...

*You can take the personality exam by clicking here.