Sometimes it's a little harder

I was fine, ya know. I took my steps one at a time and saw beauty in the waiting. You can look at the history of my phone to see the texts that show my sheer shock of how ok I really was. No longer was I bursting into tears at the thought of my future babies like I had done for so long. As cliche as it sounds, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't just walk, but I skipped through the valley and on the mountaintop. I danced in the rain with my sisters and brothers. Surprise overtook me again and again with how light I felt; so full of joy and hope for the future. Of course the mess would resurface. The enemy can't handle the freedom I was walking in. This is not new information, as the evil one is about as sharp as a block of cheese.

"The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I come that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

I have tried to be on guard, I promise. One thing that never gets easier is the pain that accompanies the snake's schemes. The Bible talks about how the enemy is against us, and to be on guard, but it doesn't detail what that will actually look like in your life when the enemy attacks. Because of how precious this is to me, I knew that it is something that the enemy would try to take again, but how do you turn knowledge into practicality?

Sometimes it slithers in under the radar. Randomly five different people every day of the week would excitedly ask when Sweetness would have a sibling, and every answer would get a little harder to get out.

I know God's plan is so good and we are trusting Him!
God's got perfect timing. 
Not right now, but maybe soon. 
When I find out, I will let you know.
I don't know. I really don't. 

Sometimes it doesn't sneak up on you. Sometimes like a bullet to the chest, tragedy strikes and you are left in a pile of rubble feeling like you made no progress at all. Sometimes you go to a doctor appt for an adjustment and a massage and you leave a different appt a couple days later with a report that says there is now a slightly bigger chance than you already had that you won't be able to get pregnant.

Then, for me at least, the pain and guilt rush in simultaneously.

God is good. 
But this hurts.
He has a plan. I trust him.
But I'm allowed to feel, right?

My brain goes to that place I try to avoid.
How can there be so much life around me, but not in me?

I am truly thankful to be surrounded by so much life. I see so many answered prayers, so many blessings that began as accidents. I adore them; the growth, the coos, the smiles, the cuddles, the growing bellies, the name reveals, the baby showers, the fears and struggles.

I am blessed, but I am also human. I don't want to know what happens month by month in the womb. I can't know. I'm not strong enough right now. Maybe in a month or a week, but not right now, not today.

So today I focus on His truth. His promise is life; not just life that is survived, but life abundantly.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11

I will take a deep breath.
I will think of what I'm thankful for.
I will repeat truth.
I will praise Him because He is good.
And even if I do not receive this thing my heart desires, my heart above all desires intimacy with my Savior, so I will praise Him.
In the tears and the heartbreak, in the waiting and the unknown, He is worthy.