I needed his birthdate for applying for my Passport, so I looked up his obituary online.
Same for my mom.
At least I have the information, right?
I couldn't call him to ask. Or shoot him a quick text. I looked up the record of his death that is publicly available for anyone to see online. It's a strange place to be, really. The relationship that some people have with their parents is sacred to them. I can't have the same relationship with someone else's parent like they can. I'm not them. But now the whole world has the same access to the details of my dad's life as I do. Because it's not his life anymore, it's his death. He is minimized to a stone plate with a couple dates. Alive December 4, 1958 and gone May 2, 2014. That's it.
I was reminded of him today. I was deleting messages on my phone trying to clear up phone space and that's when I saw it. I keep it. I've tried to delete it a couple times, but can't ever push that red button. It's at the bottom of the list, from so long ago, and nothing is even in it. I just see his name. That's it. But that means that at one point he texted me. He physically picked up his phone and sent me a message or replied to one that I had sent. He thought about me. At that moment, he wasn't a display of dates. He wasn't just a beginning and an end. He was alive, and I was on his mind.
He's gone, but that doesn't mean that he didn't live. He is just now only alive in memories, the good and the bad. He can't breathe, or laugh, or share stories. Everything that was left unsettled in our relationship will remain to be unsettled, like dust unshifted under an old rug. The musty smell of a lost connection lingers every time I'm reminded of him.
I'm not even mad that my phone lost the content of the message. It wouldn't make a difference to have his words. What matter is that there is a spot for him.
What matters is that even though he's not here now, he existed once.
What matters is that I was on his mind at least a handful of times between December 4, 1958 and May 2, 2014.
And that is enough for me now.
It wasn't always enough. I spent many years crying myself to sleep wondering why he didn't want me, or why he wouldn't return my calls or texts. Over time I believed I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, whatever enough.
It was the foundation for every decision I made or question I asked. It still tries to creep up from time to time to question my identity, but if I am aware and on guard I can confidently silence the voices that tell me I am not enough.
"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us...and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:4, 6
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10
I am enough.
Because He not only says I am, but he shows me I am everyday.
I am "confident of this very thing, that he who has begun a good work in [me] will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:6
I believe that for me, and for YOU, the Lord will fulfill his purpose for us, his steadfast love endures forever. He will not forsake the work of his hands (Psalm 138:3)
I am on HIS mind.
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