Thieves don't wear flashing neon signs

God is big. Bigger than you could ever imagine; full of extravagant love, immeasurable patience, perfect justice, overflowing mercy, and incalculable wisdom and knowledge. 

We've heard these things or read them. We know. We might smile reading them, offer up a thank you to Him, or declare them over the mountain we are currently battling. But do we really know deep in our soul? Is it written on our heart?

We stress about our finances, relationships, hardships, or illnesses. Sometimes we get our priorities out of whack. That's normal; human, right? Most Christians won't flat out say, "God can't handle this." But our actions, fear, anxiety, and lack of faith speak even louder. 

The problem is that we are slightly underestimating our enemy and grossly underestimating our Great Victor. What we don't realize is that Satan isn't more powerful than God, but he is sneaky. Most of the time he isn't going to appear on the road and slash a hole in your tire while you are on the way to church. John 10:10a says, "The thief comes only to steal kill and destroy." Of all the stories I've read, thieves tend to break in when no one is home. They steal when no one is looking. They are mischievous, quiet, and typically appear when you least expect it. And we somehow expect Satan, the leader of the thieves, to walk in wearing a flashing neon sign that says, "I'm here to steal your joy"? I hate to break it to you, but that's not how it works at all. 

He creeps in like a silent black smoke. He enters a conversation with your husband and makes you argue over something stupid. He clouds your vision of the beauty that is already in you. He whispers lies; the same lies that you thought you had already gotten over. He makes you assume the worst. He clouds your judgement. He plays stretches your patience. He makes sin look enticing and fun. He makes you sleepy when you should be paying attention. He is responsible for "waking up on the wrong side of the bed."*

*side note: That's not actually a thing. You know that, right? Being happy is a choice. The bed has nothing to do with you being a jerk to your barista before you get your coffee fix. 

**side side note: I'm not speaking for clinical depression or any other imbalance that needs medication or medical attention. I'm speaking for the people who just don't want to act right in the morning.

The only reason acceptable is that you didn't realize the enemy creeping in to steal your joy and purpose. 

We don't need to pray, "God, help me be strong." The same strength that raised Jesus from the dead lives in you. A miracle of raising to life after being dead for three days doesn't cut it? What more strength could you possibly be looking for? 

Instead I pray, God, help me to see. Help me to feel. Help me to discern what is true. Help me to realize the potential and power I have with your full artillery in my support. Help me to remember the victory is already won. Help me to give a good testimony of your greatness by your grace no matter what is in front of me. 

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

The crap that happens on this earth is not the only thing life is about. What matters is that all people get to taste and see the goodness of the Lord. (Psalm 34:8) He is good. He is always good. Relationship with Him is sweet and my most precious possession. Anything that is not good does not originate from His character. There is grave evil in the world; sneaky smoke that creeps in to destroy everything that Jesus died to save and set free.

We are human. We get to make decisions. That is the freedom that has so graciously been given to us. We get to choose to love. We get to choose to harness the power inside of us to change the world. We get to silence the foe and avenger (Psalm 8:2). Along with that, we also get to discern that any thing that in it's current state of not bringing glory to God is not permanent; but a distraction and lie from the enemy. It is actually our next opportunity to change what was meant for evil to be used for good to the glory of the Great King. (Genesis 50:20)

Stop letting the enemy steal your joy! When you feel that creep of impatience, discontentment, unrest, ungratefulness, complaining, abandonment, rejection, mistrust, anxiety, or anything other than what is perfect and meant for our good, you have to call that smoke for what it is. Because in that moment, God hasn't left. He is still there. The enemy has been doing a great job convincing you that you don't have the victory, but you do. He was already defeated on the cross. You have the power. And this is your opportunity to shine. 

Have you ever thought of it that way? That obstacle is an opportunity for you to show off God's power. That conversation is an opportunity for you to show the unconditional love of God. That moment with your children is an opportunity to give them a glimpse of His character. That irritation with your spouse is an opportunity to practice selflessly giving love and acceptance to others whether they deserve it or whether they even will accept it. 

This is our responsibility. Not a forced chore that we have to be burdened with. But an honor to defend the name and character of our Great God and reclaim what the thief has been stealing!

That's worth smiling about

I hear you saying

You don't have to do a thing

Just simply be with me 

and let those things go

'Cause they can wait another minute

Wait, this moment is too sweet

Would you please stay here with me 

And love on me a little longer

Just letting these words resonate deep in my soul this evening. Sometimes it's hard to understand that the perfect, wonderful, all-powerful, all-knowing God wants to just sit with me and love on me. I know full well all my sins, my attitude problems, my over-analytical mistrust, my independence, my self-satisfying drive, my quirks.  His love is magnified an incalculable amount compared to my love for anything else. That is the good stuff. The meat and potatoes. The brightest color. The most valuable treasure.

I don't have to measure up to whatever scale that society or I have created for myself.
I don't have to do a thing.
That is a beautiful thing worth smiling about. 

Because He delights to answer

"Because I said so" has come out of my mouth a couple times. Ok, more than a couple times. I admit that I sometimes don't have the patience or time to explain things to my 3 year old. Sometimes I do have the time to tell her that if she drinks a second cup of chocolate milk her stomach will hurt really bad and half the time I still get the response "I want it". This means even though I did take the time to explain, my answer is still "No, because I said so." It's how things are right now, because she is 3.

As she grows older and understands more, she will be able to make more informed decisions on her own. She will get the chance to experience what consequences of actions feel like when they aren't all mom's fault. She will also get to the point of shifting the scale from mostly selfish decisions to seeing the bigger picture. The thing is, I love saying yes. I love to tell Sweetness that she can have "brown milk" or that she can watch that movie or that we can go to the park. Sometimes I love to surprise her with special outings that she didn't even ask for. Because I love to bless her. Because she is mine. Because I love her.

My favorite times to say yes are when she is asking for things that aren't merely things. These are my favorite things to say yes to.
I want a hug-- YES I will huge you so tight that you squeak!
I want a kiss.-- YES I will kiss you all over until you are sick of it!
I want you to lay down 'bout me.-- YES I will lay with you and play with your hair.
I want to sit in your yap.-- YES you can always sit in my lap and cuddle.

Yes. Every time, yes.
I don't think I could love her more. I have tried. I can't.
She is absolutely perfect. She is not perfect.
She has flaws and attitude problems.
Sometimes she is too strong-willed.
Sometimes she throws fits in public places or growls at strangers in the parking lot.
Sometimes she just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and is mean for no reason.
She is not perfect in deed, but she is perfect from the freckle on the end of her nose all the way to her feet that are about 2 sizes bigger than everyone else her age.

So I delight to say yes.

If I delight to say yes, how much more would God want to give us what we are asking for?

In 2 Chronicles 1 God tells Solomon, "Ask what I shall give you." He essentially asks Solomon for his Christmas list. The immeasurable, limitless, all-powerful God asked Solomon not just "what do you want" but "what shall I give you?". Dear sweet Solomon replies, "You have shown great and steadfast love to David my father, and have made me king in his place. O Lord God, let your word to David my father be now fulfilled, for you have made me king over a people as numerous as the dust of the earth. Give me now wisdom and knowledge to go out and come in before this people, for who can govern this people of yours, which is so great?" God answered Solomon, "Because this was in your heart, and you have not asked for possessions, wealth, honor, or the life of those who hate you, and have not even asked for long life, but have asked for wisdom and knowledge for yourself that you may govern my people over whom I have made you king, wisdom and knowledge are granted to you."

Solomon asked, and God answered. But God didn't stop there. It delighted God to give Solomon more than he was asking for. God kept speaking and said, "I will also give you riches, possessions, and honor, such as none of the kings had who were before you, and none after you shall have the like." Not only is God giving Solomon what he is asking for, but more than he probably even thought to ask for.

God answered because He delights to answer.

I shall be satisfied with your likeness

Psalm 17:15 As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.

I fell upon this verse this morning and it touched my heart. I love this verse, truly. It appeases my morning person, optimistic personality. This morning when I woke up, I was tired but happy. I slept about 5.5 hours in a ridiculously comfy bed with my little girl cuddled next to me. Divine, really. This season of life has been busy with wedding planning, honeymoon planning, new living structure planning, packing, searching for new daycares, Antioch Training School with my wonderful church which includes about 4 brainfulls of reading, several outreach trips, and regularly scheduled meetings, and regular life in general. Immediately, I started thinking about my to do list, what I was going to wear, and what Jacob and I were going to do this evening: pack. (I don't know if he knows that yet, so shhhhhh)

Most mornings for me are the same. I love them. New beginnings, fresh starts, sunrises, COFFEE. Oh, yes, that sweet heavenly aroma of liquid gold. Even when I was a kid I would wake up ready to go. Through the high school years, I would rather my friends wake up early to go to the beach than stay out partying or watching a movie. You see, when the sun goes to bed, I should be in pajamas. That's just how the world should spin. If by chance I'm not in pajamas, I might fall asleep anyway. Just warning you.

The morning time is a time of refreshment, rejuvenation, excitement for the day; all wonderful things, but sometimes life isn't all wonderful things. David was the perfect example of how life wasn't always riches and rejoicing. I never post a verse without looking at the context so of course I scrolled up on the page of my Bible.is app (you should check it out!) Just a few sentences back you see a desperate plea from David for God to answer his prayer. David didn't wake up like Cinderella and have the birds and forest animals gather his clothes while he whistled a catchy tune. Instead, he cries out in desperation, "Hear a just cause, O Lord; attend to my cry! Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit! From your presence let my vindication come! Let your eyes behold the right!" (verse 1-2) He was not spewing rainbows and butterflies like he does in other Psalms. He was heartbroken, fearful, and in anguish for the Lord to hear His cry. He wanted justice.

Justice is not a bad thing to desire. Part of God's character is to be just. Psalm 37:28 "For the Lord loves justice; He will not forsake His saints. They are preserved forever, but the children of the wicked shall be cut off." He will take vengeance in His hand and spread justice and mercy in their due time. But what I have been learning and dwelling on for the past several months is that God is more of a BE God than a DO God. Who doesn't love to spoil children? I would love to give Sweetness everything that she wants, but more than spoiling her, I just want to be with her. This is how God looks at you. Don't roll your eyes or skim over this part, because it's true. Let it sink in and marinate in your bones. It's not merely a surface love that greets you and departs. It's a best friend that says He is NOT hanging up the phone until you are laughing again. He is NOT leaving you. Ever. He is there with you while you scream into your pillow. He is there watching those chick flicks crying with you after that breakup. He is there when you lost your job and that pit sunk to the bottom of your stomach. He is there when you are so exhausted from being up all night with a crying baby. He wants to be there. He wants you to cry out to Him because He cares about every little detail in your life.

Much like I would ask Sweetness about her day, He wants us to bear all and open ourselves to Him. And only when we open ourselves to sitting and just plain being in His presence will we get to experience the amazing transformation like David did in this Psalm; from "Hear my cry!" in verse 1 to "when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness" in verse 15.

It is possible. It's there for the taking. And it is better than any other candy-coated message of prosperity you could receive. In Max Lucado's book Just Like Jesus, he said, "God loves you just the way you are; but He refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be just like Jesus." God genuinely loves everything about you and where you are in life. What do best friends do when times get tough? They don't just deliver the message you want to hear. They get down in the trenches with you. God doesn't want your attenuated surface response of a simple "I'm fine". He wants to hear of your cry of desperation. John Dawson in his teaching on the Father Heart of God says that, and I'm paraphrasing, when your child gets dirty, you don't reject the child, you reject the mud. You wipe the mud off and you still love the child underneath. So God will step into the mud with you, pull you out, and lovingly wipe away the mud that clouds the beauty of His most beloved creation: YOU.

So this morning, with a smile on my face, I sing

In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
Give me Jesus!

And I sing this because the powerful, merciful, just, all-knowing Father, hears my cry, sees all my faults, and still chooses to call out the truth and love me the same. "I shall be satisfied with your likeness."

Love Period

I wasn't planning on writing about this. Honestly, when I opened Facebook today, I was dreading that my Facebook feed would still be stories, pictures, and quotes about Robin Williams. I don't say that to be disrespectful at all. He was a hilariously talented man. I am deeply saddened that he felt it necessary to end his life. But there is nothing that I can do about it, so I don't want to keep looking at sad things. Then I saw Matt Walsh's blog post. Then the article about his blog post. Then the blog post in response to all of the critical hate mail he has received. I saw posts from my friends saying that they agreed or disagreed with Matt for whatever reason. So I decided to check it out.

Usually, I agree with Matt. He writes truth. He isn't always as compassionate and loving as I would like him to be, but nevertheless, he does speak truth. In the article titled, "Robin Williams didn't die from a disease, he died from his choice", he is more compassionate than I have ever read and urges people that there is joy and hope. I read both the blog posts that he wrote and some of the responses and articles written about his blog posts.

Honestly, I can't agree with him more. 

In his response blog post titled, "Depression isn't a choice but suicide is: my detailed response to critics", Matt says, "Actually, it seems that for a cancer patient we are more willing to tell them to fight, we are more willing to speak of the power of prayer, and we are more willing to talk about their choices, then we are with depression and suicide. How can this be? We say of the cancer survivor that she beat cancer. But if we use this kind of language with depression and suicide, suddenly we are heinous monsters. How does this make any sense?" and I echo his question, How does this make any sense? I know that depression is hard to talk about. I know that depressed people are not always the nicest. But this is precious, precious life being dangled over the edge of death. He says that if you knew someone that was about to jump from a ledge, you would shout for them to come down. You wouldn't just stand there silently and accept that it's just their fate to die. But we don't do that with depression. If anything, I think we enable it. And I agree whole-heartedly that all of this "glowing" talk about him being free is detrimental to society. What is keeping a hurting, broken, sad, hopeless person from entering this "free land" void of all pain where they can be happy again? It's so scary, and not at all what we need to be telling the people who are obviously not of a clear mind.

I can't give clinical statistics or detailed medical analysis of depression or mental disorders. But I can tell you what suicide does to a family. I know firsthand what the effects of suicide are. First, my mom's boyfriend, and shortly after, my mom herself. So before I'm blasted for not understanding any part of it, I can tell you I know what both suicide and depression feels like. I've never taken medication for depression and I've never been seriously suicidal myself. Why? Because I saw the ripple effect that my mom's decision had on the people around her and vowed to never do that to another person. I remember looking around at my mom's funeral and not knowing 3/4 of the people. I remember still being in shock. At times I wonder if my mom knew that all of the people that came to her funeral loved her or at least cared enough to show up. If they did care, and they told her, did she believe them or even care? Did it resonate with her at all? I will never know. My mom was clearly depressed, overwhelmed and not thinking clearly. I had only just turned 8, so I wasn't aware of the darkest places of her soul. What I knew in my 8 yr old brain was that she was sad, tired all the time, and very often sick. I thought it was normal. But it's not normal and it's not permanent.

I was still naive and didn't understand the deep sadness of depression until she took her life. I agree with Matt that hope, love, and joy can not coexist with the darkness that is depression. I won't go into the details of the effects it had on me in this blog post, but it definitely influenced every part of my life. It completely changed my worldview and I understood depression every minute of every day. It was only when I was bombarded by love that I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. And slowly but surely through the years, God has been so gracious to put people in my life to be mom's, dad's, sister's, brother's, and friend's; none of course replaced my mom, but they have all been incredibly influential pieces of my puzzle, whether blood related or not.

It was love. All the while, it was only love that could infiltrate the darkness.
Love is the answer. Love is the hope. Love is the cure. Love creates joy.

Am I telling people to stop taking medication or seeking medical attention? Of course not! I agree with Matt that depression is every bit spiritual as it is physical. Depression needs to be tended to carefully. I just can't help but speak up for love. We see all of the posts and kind words towards Robin Williams, but I wonder if he knew that he was that influential while he was alive? If we got in the trenches with our relatives and friends who are battling depression, dug into the deep dark places, and watered those bitter roots with love, light, and joy, I can't possibly fathom that it wouldn't make a difference.

Suicide is not freedom. There is hope. Talk to me. Talk to someone. Encourage others to talk about it.

There is love, hope, and joy available for you, for everyone.

Love is all. Period.

Dear QA: Concerned safe driver

Dear Question Answerer,

I like to listen to Christian music in the car. It instantly brightens my mood and helps to give perspective to the stresses of my day. But then I start to worship and all I want to do is close my eyes and lift my hands. Should I not listen to Christian music? Or maybe just trust Jesus to drive the car?

Sincerely,

Concerned safe driver

Dear concerned safe driver, 

That is a great question. Worship is an integral part of life so I can't advise you to stop worshipping. However, driving safe is of the utmost importance, so I have a solution for you! Worship all the time. Worship when you wake up in the morning, bless his name while you are getting ready, sing to him in the car, thank him in the afternoon and praise him before you go to bed. A good starting  point would be to increase your worshipping to 10,000 reasons but keep in mind that you can never have too much worship. This will help make worshipping more of a lifestyle than a single occurrence which will make you a better, happier, and safer person.  

Sincerely,

Question Answerer

Happily Impatient

Today I'm a little impatient.
Impatient for 5pm when I get to leave to go get Sweetness. I really hate that I have to work away from her all day long and the commute doesn't help either. I miss her too much and I hate driving.
Impatient to find a place to live since I only have a month and a half until I have to move. I don't think being in between things. I want to know where I'm going to be and start planning decorations and my life there as a Garza.
Impatient to finalize wedding prep. There is so much I still need to do and I'm having a hard time visualizing it all!
Impatient to get married. I am looking forward to the wedding, of course, but I'm more looking forward to coming back from the honeymoon and waking up that Saturday morning with my Mr., Sweetness and I all under one roof as a family. It can't come soon enough...

But the greatest thing about all of that is they even exist for me to be impatient about!

I have a wonderful job that let's me off at 5pm so that I can go to a fantastic daycare that pours Jesus' love into my little girl while I'm at work.
I have so many options of apartments, condo's and homes that are all within my budget when just a year ago I was struggling to pay for my little 1 bedroom loft apartment for me and little girl.
I am way ahead of schedule with planning and have been incredibly blessed to have so many people offer to help.
I have been given the great gift of being pursued by a handsome man that loves me like Christ loves the church, dotes on me like a Queen, and is wonderfully patient and loving with Sweetness. I am enjoying this time of making memories and allowing God to move and work in us as we prepare for the next great adventure of joining our lives together.

Not that long ago, I didn't have any of those little blessings to be impatient over which makes my heart so glad. I have been blessed beyond comparison.

I'm still impatient. But I'm happily impatient. Does that even make sense?

Open your eyes

Sitting in traffic at a stop light, I see all of the scowls and expressions of frustration as people throw their hands in the air and scream at the car in front of them. Almost automatically I start singing to the radio without registering the lyrics. 

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,

Oh, for grace to trust Him more. 

Oh how sweet these words are on a hot August day in traffic. It takes road rage and turns it into road praise. It turns traffic updates into people with beating hearts. 

As I surveyed the cars surrounding and passing me, I took special care to look at their faces. The old man with the mustache that's balding. The country boy blaring his music and spitting dip out of his open window. The lady laughing at something her teenager said. Then an almost audible whisper came softly,

Open your eyes. They're drowning. 

I was sitting in the boat peacefully singing how I trust in Jesus and these precious people are passing me by like numbers in a statistic. My heart hurts for them to know the peace that I so desperately cling to. 

Open your eyes to see the hustle around you as people. People that are drowning. People in need of love. 

Realize you have the power to save lives by mending broken bones and broken hearts. 

Open your eyes. 

Please join us

The chains have been broken. Your debt has been paid in full. You have been restored to your free status. There is nothing that anyone can do or say that will take that status away from you. You have every weapon you could imagine to your disposal. You have allies in every city and country in the world. You have the map and directions on how to get where you need to be. You also have inside you a supernatural force that empowers you with strength, discernment, and knowledge. 

There is an enemy out there that is stealing from your friends, your family, and you - right in front of you. 

This enemy ruins marriages, steals belongings, sets houses on fire, takes jobs, and slaughters millions of people. 

Are you still standing in the cell?

Why? Two is better than one. Four is better than two. Three thousand is better than four. But if we all stand in the cell, lives will continue to be lost. 

Please, put on your armor. Pick up your sword. Fight with me. Don't let the enemy steal what does not belong to him. 

We are in a battle so if some of us get tired, don't leave us behind. Tensions will be high because there is a lot at stake, but we must not let division happen in the ranks. We have to stick together. We have to have each other backs. We can't let the enemy slip in and place fear or judgment between us. We can't fight about how much armor we have or if yours is nicer than mine. We have been given exactly what we need. And if it keeps us alive that's all that matters. 

Don't try to do what I do. You have a specific set of skills that you have been given. You have weapons I don't. Practice with them. Use them. We are going to need them in this battle. And if you don't use them, who will? We can't afford dead limbs on the tree. We all have to work together. 

See the thing is, we've already won the war, but most of the people here don't know. We have to tell them. We have to give them their armor and weapons. We have to get them out of their cells. But you have to step out of yours, first. 

Please. Please join us. 

The Great Handbag Abyss - 31DC14

What's in my handbag?

Woah, now. This is getting a little personal. If you're sure that you want to embark on the journey to the great abyss that which is my purse, I will accompany you for your safety. 

As we jump into the front pocket, we are immediately greeted with the enticing smell of peppermint from the two new packs of Cobalt flavored 5Gum. Then seemingly out of place you will see America's Number One Ouchless Elastic Bands and some Essential Oil that my dear friend Kathy gave me when Sweetness tried to dance with the ants this past Sunday. (Shout out to Kathy for being an amazing friend to the rescue! Love that woman!) The zipper of this front pocket always stays undone because I chew gum all. day. long. Random fact about me. You're welcome.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, we will venture to the capital of this purse colony. Dun, dun, dunnnnn!

The first thing in my line of sight is my Costa Sunglass case. For those of you who own regular sunglasses, let me just tell you about a product that has changed my life. I used to get headaches often while driving. I was used to squinting my eyes so much that I'm sure I will need botox to get rid of that wrinkle in between my eyebrows. With the Costa's I don't ever have to worry about that! I wear them even if it's not bright outside because I can see better with them than with my eyes alone. The polarized lenses took me about a day to get used to, but now the only thing I notice is the little rainbow of colors that I see when I look at some windows. Who doesn't want more rainbows in their life? They make the world a more magical place which is totally worth the money you spend on them. Unless you have an amazing fiance like I do who buys them for you. (Shout out to the Mr. Thanks darling!) Come on. So without further ado it is, dare I say, my duty to tell you to buy Costa's. Do it. You're welcome, again.

The second thing I see is my beautiful Coach wallet. There's no fancy pattern. It is just blue, which is perfect for me. It is special to me because my niece and my brother in law picked it out for me for my first mother's day after becoming a single mom and living in a brand new state. I wasn't expecting to get anything at all. It was a wonderful surprise that I will cherish forever. (Shout out to you, dear familia! Love you!) I would never purchase a Coach for myself because I hate spending money, but this thing has lasted me 2 years! Durable, cute, and brand name. Golly, I'm spoiled!

A receipt from Target, the CD from my family/engagement/Sweetness pictures with the waiver, a semi-colored picture from Sweetness, a Blue Raspberry Dum Dum wrapper, and my checkbook are wedged in between my wallet and a cute blue flowered bag that I have 3 tubes of chapstick, a tattoo sunscreen stick, hand sanitizer, and deodorant in.  Ya know just random essentials. I'm sure you were just DYING to know this information. You're welcome, again again.

The bottom of my handbag is a mystery to even me. I rarely ever clean out my bag so we will be adventurous together. I found 7 pens and a sharpie, Excedrin Migraine meds, 4 crumpled gum wrappers, a straw from a juicebox, a bag with 29 dollars and a ton of quarters that I used for my sister's garage sale, a pair of 3T training panties for the Sweetness, a hair claw, and my keys.

You see, I'm prepared for life. You never know when you will need a juicebox straw....

31 Day Challenge - Day 14

Psychoanalysis

So here is the scenario- the car behind me slips to the lane next to me slowly speeding up with full intentions on passing me. This doesn't bother me because they obviously have some urgency, when I do not. There is too small of a gap between the car in front of them and me in the other lane so I lift my foot off the gas to make a little room. That's when they quickly accelerate and cut in front of me like their life depended on it and speed away. I don't mind being passed but it's that last little jolt that's irritating. Like they won over on me or somehow outsmarted me to push their way through the space like I wasn't willingly slowing down to let them over. 

I will probably never see them again AND it really doesn't matter. So why do I feel that small twinge of irritation?
It's nothing that ruins my day, but it does make me question....

What about the situation is frustrating?

Is there anything I could have done to avoid the irritation?

Why does it matter if my kindness is rejected? I should be kind no matter if it is received or not?

Am I just trying to control the situation? Like, am I "allowing" them in because I'm nice and I subconsciously think they should be grateful for my kindness?

What is the real problem rooted in?

I think it stems from a fear of being misunderstood, yes, a need to be understood. 

Why is that important? What other areas of my life does this affect?

Why am I thinking about this? Ha!

Why do I psychoanalize my actions, reactions and interactions?

The Money Issue - 31DC12&13

This weekend while having dinner with some friends/mentors, I was asked this question:

"If money wasn't an issue, what would your perfect wedding look like?"

I don't like this question. I think I don't like this question because money has always been an issue so I don't know how to imagine money not being an issue. Part of me thinks dreaming is just a waste of time because it just creates an envy in me for what I can't have. I want to dream about things that I can accomplish, yet I know that dreaming will open up doors to places and opportunities that I never imagined I could accomplish. This is my dilemma. I typically want to make achievable goals. But if I will try to relax and be fun instead of so serious, for your sake. So, if I wont the lottery I don't know what I would do with every cent, but here are some things that came to mind (in no particular order):

- Pay off debt
- Secure college fund for Sweetness
- Buy a reasonable house
- Donate to my church and other charities that pull my heart strings
- Go on a cool vacation
- Pour time and my new found resources into making writing more of a possible full-time career.

I'm sure there are more things that I would do with such a large amount of money, but I think those six things are a good start. I know that I would want to use the money to pour into abilities, talents, and opportunities.

I don't know who said it, but it's one of my favorite quotes about money and being frugal.

"To be frugal means to have a high joy-to-stuff ratio."

I would love to win the lottery. But I would have to buy a lottery ticket first, and I'm too frugal for that. ;)"

31 Day Challenge - Days 12 & 13

That morning was my proudest moment - 31DC11

It's scary to be alone. It's scary to be pregnant for the first time, have a baby, be in the care of the worst hospital staff in the US (I'd be willing to bet it is), and to be alone. But we did it, little girl. I stayed up staring at your perfect little features, watching your chest rise and fall with every breath, and just being in awe that you were finally here. Bringing you into the world was intense, scary, and nerve-wrecking. There were so many nurses and doctors in the room. After you entered the world, bliss and the greatest joy overwhelmed any pain or nerves that I felt before. You were and are perfect, beautiful, and best of all, mine.

The next morning when I woke up, you were awake but peacefully taking the world in around you. As exhausted as we both were, we had conquered the the first night, alone but together. Just you and me. 

That morning, just me and you, is my proudest moment. 

A little now and a little then - 31DC8, 9 & 10

There are some things that gross me out. I can't explain it other than I was created this way. The idea of a needle puncturing the skin, slicing its way through your insides and coming out on the other side just plain FREAKS ME OUT.

IV's
Shots
Piercings

All gross.

I worked up a lot of courage to go get my ears pierced just a few months ago. This would be the 3rd time in my life I have had the pierced and I was determined to not let the holes close up again. I couldn't bear the thought of having to pierce them any more. At least now, I am in a stage of my life that I am not playing sports and sweating almost all day so I can stay clean and they can heal.

Mr. and I went to the shop and I was mentally preparing myself the whole way by talking to Mr., texting friends, taking pictures, and just slightly having an anxiety attack inside. But I was determined to overcome my fears and get this done.

The last time I had earrings was in 2008, as you can see from the pic below.

And here is an old pic from before I even had any tattoos!

And to go back even a little further...this pic is before I ever really cut my hair and WAY before I started dyeing it. THROWBACK for real!

And while we are on the subject of throwbacks, I might as well tell you about one of my very first celebrity crushes....(it's a stretch, I know but I need to catch up on the challenge). I don't know if they were my very first crushes, but they definitely were in the beginning when I started noticing cute boys. 

check out these studs!

You're Welcome.

Top 10 - 31DC7

I probably could live off of the same foods for the rest of my life. I had a little bit of a difficult time coming up with 10 of my favorite foods for the 31DC Day 7, and most of them are sweets. But here they are in no particular order:

1. COFFEE- this is considered a food because it is made from a berry.

2. Brownies- warm and gooey middle pieces, preferrably

3. Fruit- All fruit except watermelon and honeydew melon

4. Potatoes- in any form

5. Peanut Sauce- (my aunt's recipe is the best) with chicken satay and rice. yummmmm

6. Cupcakes- Rise Cupcakes are the best!

7. Basil Pesto Chicken- on a sandwich, in pasta, in a salad, those flavors are just perfect together

8. Spinach Artichoke dip- warm and cheesy and melty

9. Graham Cracker Praline- so delicious and simple!

10. Double Chocolate Fudge Coca-Cola Cake from Cracker Barrel- God's gift to my taste buds.

Now it's not even lunch time and I'm starving! All of my thoughts for losing weight and eating healthy are being replaced with mouth-watering chocolate cake. But I must press on! 

I'm just thankful I don't have to eat manna every day.

Do you have at least three? - 31DC6

I will partially blame not having a computer at home for why I didn't blog on Sunday. It is hard to think when you have to type and scroll on that tiny screen.

I will partially blame not blogging on Monday because I was slammed at the office. However, one would counter that I had time to be on Facebook. Yes, I was busy at work, but I wasn't too busy that I didn't have enough time to blog. I saw what the challenge was for Sunday (31DC6) and I froze a little -"3 Personality Traits that I am proud of". Ugh. No bueno. 

My thought process went back and forth something like this:

Oh gosh, I don't know.

          No, you need to be confident.

But how do I brag about myself?

          Bragging and confidence are two different things

But it just feels weird talking about what I'm proud of myself for

          You are royalty. A princess. A beautiful creation. Boasting in His image is not bragging. 

So here it goes:

ONE

I was given a beautiful heart of mercy. One that can only be described as the mercy of God flowing through me because I love everyone. I used to not protect my heart of mercy so I would love to the point of other people trampling me, but oh, how that has changed. My feet are now firmly planted in truth and I am free to love without being taken advantage of because my identity is not rooted in their acceptance of my love and mercy, but instead is unshakably buried in a great love and acceptance from the Author of unconditional love Himself.

TWO

I am probably annoyingly optimistic. The glass is not have full, it is all the way full - half water, half air. I'm happy 99% of the time and if I'm not happy, it doesn't take me long to get happy. This was not always the case, but when you worship God there is no other way to be than joyful. He overflows my heart with music and singing; dance and laughter spew from me like an erupting volcano. Except it probably does happy damage instead of engulfing things in boiling fire lava. That would most certainly create the opposite of joy. I usually see the silver lining, the upside, the reward, or whatever glimpse of goodness there is in a situation. I gain joy from the smallest pleasures and am perfectly happy just being in His presence for a little joy refill.

THREE

I would like to take pride in being low-maintenance. I guess you might want to double check with Mr. to see if he thinks the same. I don't have to have designer bags or brand name clothing. I don't have to wear makeup everyday. My hair often isn't curled or hair sprayed. I don't mind getting a little dirty to help move furniture or do yardwork. (Side note: I HATE yardwork. I hope I never have to pick weeds again. However, I don't mind at all helping a friend or neighbor if they really need it. I would just rather pay someone to do my own. THAT,  I don't mind spending money on.) I don't need Sweetness to have the latest and greatest toys or clothes. I think being low-maintenance is a good quality to have. 

Maybe the third point is just me being lazy by not wanting to fix my hair. Maybe it's me being stingy with my money and not wanting to go shopping for nice things. Maybe it isn't a good quality trait at all. ha! I don't know. But I do know that the only reason those first two are on the list at all is because of my great God. Yes, he created me unique and beautiful, but my flesh often times doesn't want to do productive and positive things. It is His Spirit in me, in communion with me, teaching me gently, guiding me with wisdom that meets me right where I am. And through spending time with Him I have more joy and more peace than what would ever make sense. He is good. All the time. He is worth it. He is powerful and has equipped me to do powerful things with His power working through me. It's all because of Him that I am able to walk in victory and with confidence. 

I am learning every day to walk confidently, maybe next week I will have 3 more traits that I am proud of. 

I would like to hear your 3 traits that you are proud of.

Do you have to think hard about that?

Or does a list form naturally in your head?

Is your list formed from confidence in yourself or in who you were made to be?

Newsroom - 31DC5

Not having a computer at home makes it difficult to blog so I'm going to pull the Sparky's blog challenge minimum requirement. 

Day 5 of the 31 Day Challenge: my guilty pleasure. 

I don't know if it's technically a guilty pleasure but I'm addicted. It's hilariously witty and able to keep my interest for several episodes in a row. Newsroom. Watch it. 

Mama's perfume -31DC4

I only remember one chore I ever truly loved. I remember the small end table with delicate gold-colored legs. I would carefully remove each bottle of my mother's perfume taking time to smell every one. Pronouncing their names was an impossible task, but fun to try nonetheless. The shelves of the table were round mirrors that I would slowly wipe with my soft rag to remove dust and small marks so I could see my reflection. Looking in that glass I remembered thinking that maybe one day I would be pretty like mama.

Yes, one day.





31DC4

"What's in a Name?" - 31DC3

Name. Titles. Labels. They're funny things.

Whether they are merely informational, meant to draw you in, or specifically descriptive, they have a job to do. Day 3 on the 31 Day Challenge prompted me to write about  the "Meaning of my Business Name". I don't have a business, but I do have some other names! Enjoy...

I took a quiz today on BrainFall.com asking how Texan I am. I was not surprised to receive my results that I was only 17% Texan. My Mr. likes to point out that I have lived in Texas longer than I've lived anywhere else, but it still doesn't feel like home. There are a lot of things that I feel land far inferior to the beautiful beaches in Destin, FL, but I am trying my best to make this state home. I don't know if I will live here forever, but I like the idea of living close to our families. Maybe one day I will identify as a Texan. Maybe...
(Side note to all you "Don't mess with Texas" people. The slogan "Don't mess with Texas" really has to do with littering, not some macho Texas-is-better-than-everything slogan. For real, check it out here. End Rant.)

Most of my more recent usernames for social media or shopping websites are some form of "quietryot". I didn't choose it to reference the band, Quiet Riot, because I didn't even know they existed at the time of said username creation. I chose it because I thought it was clever and it is the opposite of the Sweetness' name. She has moments of quiet, but it's usually when she is sleeping. All awake hours are full of sweet songs, gibberish, talking, whining, laughing, screaming, giggling, shhhing her baby, or crying. She doesn't have very many quiet bones in her which is why the username makes me smile.

My name was given to me at birth. Honestly, I never have particularly cared for my first name, but it's the only one I've got, so I'll keep it. My middle name, however, I love. My middle name is my Granny's first name. I like that I'm Granny's namesake. We have a special bond, a connection. I wouldn't trade that for the world. My last name currently is my old married name and I CAN'T WAIT to get rid of it. It rhymes with my first name which is really tacky, and I'm no longer any form of the girl I used to be. I'm very much looking forward to adapting a new name in 127 days. New Name. New Beginning. I like that.

This is the Kabalarian Analysis of my name:

• Your name of Kayla creates an intense desire for association with people and new experiences, many of which have been rather bitter.
   
• This name has given you a gregarious personality and a quick-thinking, creative, and versatile nature, but one that is unstable emotionally.
   
• You desire change and travel and would enjoy opportunities that allowed you to be creative and to act independently, rather than to conform to system and routine.
   
• However, this name does not allow you to complete your undertakings, as farther fields always look greener.
   
• Although you may appear confident and positive, you actually lack confidence and feel self-conscious at times.
   
• This name spoils patience and depth of thought, and weakens your stand in matters of principle.
   
• You are too open to suggestion, and thus you could become involved in detrimental associations which could lead you into by-paths of thrill-seeking or emotional indulgence.
   
• Any weakness in your health would appear in the fluid functions as kidney, bladder, or circulatory problems.
   
• or in a sensitivity affecting your stomach.

I could agree with some and disagree with others, but is it that all people names "Kayla" have these qualities? I think that highly unlikely. You can find out your name analysis here.


What about you?
Are you a Texan?
Does your username describe you?
Do you like your given name or do you want to change it?

What's in a name?





31DC3

20 Facts about ME! - 31DC2

I remember the youth group leaders walking around with a bag full of M&M's telling us all to take a handful. The moment they told us not to eat them I knew I should have only grabbed a few instead of the overflowing handful I had then. It was after taking our handful that we learned that for every M&M, we would have to tell something about ourselves. That's a scary thing for a group of middle and high school kids to do. But we did it. We opened up. We formed closer bonds. We learned about each other. We connected.

So today, as part of my 31 Day Challenge, I am going to share 20 facts about me with you!

1. I can whistle a note, but not a tune.

2. My sense of direction likens that of a blindfolded tourist who has been spun around 37 times and dropped off in a foreign country.

3. I would rather be given choices, than free reign.

4. I take pictures of everything and everyone at every moment. I'm not ashamed.

5. Summer is my favorite season. I don't mind the heat, but I hate wearing shorts. It's a dilemma. 

6. I love variety and exploration, but not change. Why ruin a good thing? For example, I love trying new restaurants, but I usually order the same thing at old restaurants.

7. I'm texture sensitive. I can't stand the feel and sound of styrofoam, the feeling of microfiber and suede, or eating anything spongy or slimy like cooked mushrooms. This is why I sometimes will eat watermelon even though I don't like the taste. It has a neat crisp texture.

8. I love meeting new people. They fascinate me. 

9. I am a plant killer. I don't mean to. I just can't keep them alive no matter how hard I try.

10. I'm not a foodie. If I could live off of fruit, chocolate, and coffee, I would in a heartbeat. 

11. Speaking of heart beat, mine is particularly slow...like a resting rate between 30-40 bpm, known as Bradycardia.  

12. I love children. I want to have 5 naturally and through adoption. I would also love to foster. I have 1 beautiful little girl who I have the best relationship with. It secretly makes me want to have all boys for the other babies so that I can have something special between me and her. 

13. I am not afraid of spiders that can kill me, but I am afraid of roaches just because they are disgusting.

14. My favorite smells are coffee and cranberry mandarin. I can't stand vanilla and lavender.

15. My big brother was and is my hero. Always has been, always will be. 

16. I have several countdowns active on my phone for birthdays, holidays, and random events. I like to keep track of time spent and time left.

17. My level of math expertise stops around 3rd grade. 

18. I obsessively watch the speedometer when I'm driving. I have a heavy foot, but I'm terrified to get a ticket. Because of this slight anxiety and #2, I really don't like driving.

19. I'm a hugger. I hug people I have just met. 

20. In 128 days I am marrying "him whom my soul loves". (SOS 3:4) Fact: I never thought I would find a man of his caliber. Who he is encourages me to be a better and truer version of me as a person, a friend, an almost wife, a mom, etc. I love him.



31DC2

Blinking Blinker -31DC1

Blink, blink, blink, blinkblink, blinkblinkblink. Curse you, blinking cursor.

I can't stare at this blank page anymore. This feeling of blah when I open the page needs to go back to whatever black hole it came form. Where is the spunk? Where is the inspiration? Why can't I continue writing my cliffhanger? Where are all the funny stories? What is the pause in my brain from expressing my thoughts? How do I have so much going on and yet no way of explaining it?

A challenge will do the trick...maybe. I'm gonna stick it through. I can do anything for just 31 days. The full list of the challenge can be found here.

Today is supposed to be an introduction. Welcome. Welcome to my blogging brain space. I am not solely responsible for what ends up here. I'm just transcribing the madness that occurs up top. I can't begin to count the number of times I actually have to go back and re-read my posts because I really can't remember what all happened during my blogging minutes. Also what could contribute to this is the other 37 things that are usually going on at the same time. 

If you continue reading past this, I applaud you in your weirdness. I promise, good things are to come. 

I'm gonna start a riot.

I'm gonna fan the flame.

I'm gonna make some noise.

I'm gonna woo some hearts. 

I'm gonna change the rules.

I'm gonna break the barricades.

I'm gonna cross the line.

I'm gonna make mistakes. 

I'm gonna triumph over the enemy.

I'm gonna wage a war. 

I'm gonna eat a lot of chocolate.

Come start a fire with me...

5 Min Fridays! #firstworldproblems

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, set, go!

As I was late to get Sweetness from daycare, the combination of working mommy guilt and the effects of a frustrating day had my mood less than chipper. I powered on the radio and started the drive to the daycare. I called Mr., who is always so attentive and supportive, so he let me vent a little. When I got off of the phone, the burning in my chest had increased so that I was sure steam was visibly coming out of my bright red ears. I saw it on tv as a kid so it must be true. Talking about what frustrated you when you are still frustrated seems to have that effect. Wearing my Shane and Shane shirt, I turned up my Shane and Shane cd (I'm a dedicated fan, ya know). The sweet lyrics instantly started softening my heart in that gentle way that only the Holy Spirit works; a soft whisper or a peaceful breeze. I rolled my eyes at my own thoughts and mentally hashtagged my outlook on the situation #firstworldproblems. 

This is a generic hashtag that has grown in popularity. I would love to assume it is a helpful hashtag that raises awareness of poverty or contributes to creating a more grateful generation but I fear it has only served as an excuse so that guilt doesn't overcome whatever #firstworldproblem we are dealing with. This is obviously not the case all the time so don't bunch your britches. 

Coming back from my slight digression, the simple fact is my bad day is a menial first world problem compared to the problems that some of my dear friends have experienced in India and the Dominican Republic this past week. My five minutes is up now so I will just leave you with this-

Life is too precious to waste your emotions on things that don't matter. In my experience you have two options when facing difficulty: 

Change your situation or change your attitude. 

So I'm choosing to change my attitude and take on Saturday with a heart of gratitude. Who know's if I will succeed, but I'm going to try.

Please pray for the DR and India! Many lives were changed and many seeds were planted so we ask for more of God, always more. That He would pour out His Spirit and awake them to their thirst. Also for safe travels for the teams back to us stateside!

But I don't NEED it

So much of the past 3 years has been focused on Sweetness. I could guide this into a post to focus talking about the struggles and triumphs of single-motherhood, but I'm not. Rather my thoughts today stem from a reoccurring theme in my life recently.

"Take some time for yourself."
"Go on a date."
"Where are you going for your honeymoon?"

"Ryot will be fine", they say, whoever "they" are.

I stumbled on this article earlier in the week about the importance of moms taking time for themselves. You can read the article in full here. There was one portion that especially caught my attention:

So set aside a little time every day to do something, anything, which makes you feel better. For some women, taking care of themselves may involve that candlelit bubble bath, but for others, something else may better fill the bill. Do something that makes you feel good or happy or, simply, more like you. 

More like me...like me. What does that mean? If you ask me what I want to do this weekend, my answers will immediately go down a yellow-bricked road of kid-friendly activities. I will smile and get excited about the memories I will make with Sweetness and my Mr. I will start cramming my days full of the park, movies, painting nails, playing outside or other family activities.

But time for me? Just me? Alone? I would never intentionally schedule that in. Why? Because that does not exist in any way, shape, or form, in my opinion, in the same category as 'fun'. I found that the introverts are always the ones to stress how important it is to get time for yourself. Just as I have found that the people without kids have the BEST advice about parenting. (heavy use of sarcasm here). Not everyone is wired the same.

Do I enjoy going on a date with my Mr. where we get uninterrupted adult conversation? Yes.
Do I enjoy doing adult activities without changing diapers or worrying about temper tantrums? Of course.

But I'd be lying if I don't wonder what she is doing and miss her every second I'm gone. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? Aren't you supposed to like spending time with your kids? I'm not judging people that do take time for themselves. Maybe they really need that alone bubble bath every night. More power to them. But why is it considered weird that I don't need it?

I love adult time. I love friend time. I love a romantic evening with my darling Mr. I love getting dressed up, told I'm beautiful and treated like a Queen for a night.

BUT

I love little girl time. I love bonding with her. I love silly pillow fights and reading books. I love wearing my sweatpants and still being told that I'm pretty and funny by my little girl.

I don't mind dropping Sweetness off with a friend or a family member who will love on her and make sure that her needs are met. But I don't NEED to. I don't NEED adult time away from her. I don't NEED a break from parenting. I love every wonderful, fun, disgusting, hilarious, miraculous, terrifying, adventurous, loving second of it. I think people forget that I am forced to have a break from her every Monday-Friday from  7am-6pm while she is at daycare and I'm at work.

Sometimes I get frustrated and lose my temper. Sometimes I don't know what else to do and we just aren't communicating well. Sometimes before nap time I have to take a couple deep breaths in and pray for her to please, please, please fall asleep. But as soon as she does I am stroking her hair, giving her kisses and falling in love with her all over again. Parenting is hard. But it is simultaneously the most challenging and rewarding thing that I have ever experienced.

It definitely was more difficult before, when doing it alone; but now I have been so blessed to have a gentle, patient, kind, loving, supportive Mr. to help partner with me on this crazy journey.

I am slowly finishing that chapter of single parenthood and opening a new chapter of marriage to a wonderful man, including a 3 yr old and dog. I know it will look different than I'm used to. I know that we will have different challenges and triumphs that I never could imagine or plan for. I know that my time management will need to drastically change as I morph my role adding and removing certain hats. Because of this, I know that Mr, as my husband, will need time specifically devoted to him from me. And I am 100% ok with that. He deserves it and I really desire to do everything in my power to work at creating a safe, open, communicating environment that we are hearing from the Lord and pouring into each other and those around me. That is obviously difficult to do while holding up your 3 yr old's princess dress so that she can pretend to go potty but not really pee because all she wants is the candy you promised her for her trying to go on the potty in the first place. So I know that alone time is necessary to create and sustain a lasting foundation for marriage, but just plain alone time is not necessary for my sanity.

Maybe it's the extrovert in me that doesn't need that alone time.
Maybe it's because I have a constant fresh reminder that no moment is guaranteed.
Maybe it's a slight mommy guilt of having to work away from her so much.
Maybe it's the homebody spirit in me that I would much rather be at home in my pj's than out in real clothes.
Maybe it's been so long since I have just had alone time that I don't know how to enjoy it.
Maybe it's just how I'm wired. And that's ok.

I know that I have a lot left to learn. I know that I will keep learning for the rest of my life. I like the challenge. My life is changing, which means that my priorities will change. Maybe a couple months down the road I will be taking a bubble bath and look back on this post laughing at myself. But right now, this is me.

I'm ok with being me. And get this, I'm ok with being the only me in the whole world.

Not now

So much was discussed today. So much is still left to be decided.  It seems I am caught at a strange middle ground. Several times today I found myself asking the same questions:

Is this necessary?

Is this wise?

Does it have to be decided now?

No. It doesn't have to be decided now. So I can sleep in peace. 

Trusting the wind

This morning I was listening to a Tom Petty station on iTunes radio while I had an office full of people. It was the normal schedule of catching up from yesterday and planning the day ahead. When I was alone again I increased the volume so I could whistle while I worked (just kidding, I can't really whistle) and I heard Son Volt's song "Windfall" singing these lyrics:

May the wind take your troubles away.

Suddenly I was stopped in my tracks. What was I listening to? May the wind take my troubles away? What does that even mean? I changed the station to one called "3 of a kind - Hillsong, Elevation Worship, Jesus Culture". Immediately I heard these lyrics:

So let hope rise and darkness tremble in Your holy light, 

and every eye will see Jesus, our God, great and mighty to be praised!

I couldn't but smile then and even now still as a wave of peace washed over me. I just sighed aloud, a great sigh of relief. He is near, present, in communion, constant, all-knowing, loving, my Abba.

Do I want to live a life where I hope that the wind takes my troubles away, or do I want darkness to tremble in His holy light?

Do I want to sit and wait for the wind, or do I want hope to rise?

Do I trust something as quivering and unstable as the wind to remove and heal, or do I choose to conquer that which ails me?

Do I want my troubles to be just taken away and me left empty to start again or do I want my troubles to be defeated and then replenished with praise which will produce joy, peace and all forms of power?

I choose hope and life and power and purpose. 

Keurig haiku

Customer service

A lost art among this world

Thank you ma'am and sir

Even my keurig 

Displays on screen to Enjoy

Well done, programmer

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all the single moms out there pulling double the weight. 

Happy Father's Day to all the widows who have lost their loves but must go on without them. 

Happy Father's Day to the Grandparents, cousins or other relatives like my Uncle who step in to raise kids like me who need a father.  

Happy Father's Day to my soon-to-be father in law! He is so hard working and one that many people love and look to for wisdom! 

Happy Father's Day to all of the stepdads who choose to love your wife and the wonderful little gift(s) that came along with them. I can assure you, your love for the littles makes her fall in love with you more. And I can assure you of this because of my Mr.

Sweetness is three in all fashions of the word. He is so patient and loving with her, he backs me up on teaching her what is right, he plays with her as they both erupt in giggles, he is a lifesaver when I am sick by helping take care of her, he is attentive to her needs and wants, and on a daily basis he wins both of our hearts over and over and over again. I couldn't ask for a better partner in love or life or parenting. I'm counting down the days until I can marry this wonderful man!

Happy first Father's Day, darling. 

You are loved and so appreciated. 

Proverbs 20:5-7 The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water,but a man of understanding will draw it out. Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love,but a faithful man who can find? The righteous who walks in his integrity—blessed are his children after him! 

5 Min Fridays! Low blow, bro.

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, set, go!

I was stung by a yellow jacket today. Random, I know. It made me think of a memory many moons past. My little sistercuz, Allie, and I were building a fort in the words behind our house in Florida. Rustling in the woods, I felt a sharp pinch and saw the little stinger on my forearm. She asked me what was wrong and I just screamed for us to run. Some got caught in my hair and clothes which resulted in stings all over. I don't think we played in those woods for a long time after that. I shudder thinking about it even now. 

I can't be mad at them because I was in their territory. I stepped on their house. I stirred their peace. I entered their normalcy and created chaos. They didn't respond in the correct way but it was my mistake to begin with. I understand them. Their great great great great great great grand kid that got me today had no excuse. I didn't disturb him at all! He was in my warehouse and came up behind me and stung my back! Low blow, bro. 

On a happier note, this picture below captures some of my favorite things about today! My ring which proclaims my commitment and devotion to the one my soul loves, my necklace given to me by aforementioned fiancé for Mother's Day (so sweet!), my super shades that protect even my peripheral vision, and a Friday evening spent grilling burgers with my beautiful Sweetness and darling Mr. 

This weekend I will be intentional.

Intentional about making memories

Intentional about creating a culture of honor

Intentional about resting in the sweet Spirit of The Lord. 

Happy weekend!

It stuck with me

A look. A prayer. An experience.

Advice. Prophecy. 

A picture.

For some reason, it stuck with you. 

Today on my morning commute, life was on schedule. Same roads, same radio station, same conversations with Sweetness. She was happy this morning which had both of us smiling and laughing the whole way to daycare. We made a special stop for coffee which means I have to then cut across 4 lanes to the turning lane so I can make a u-turn to continue going to daycare. I look both ways, some cars are coming but it is safe for me to get out in the lanes and start to merge. I'm laughing at Sweetness being silly and that's when I notice it. Car, after car, after car of scowling, serious, apathetic, monotone faces. Literally fifteen people void of emotion staring at the roads like drones. 

And that's when I remembered it. 

Highschool choir mission trip with my church. I was 15 years old, I think? I remember looking out in the crowd to see Mrs. Bandy holding up a sign that read "Don't chew" to make sure that we pronounced the words "Don't you" correctly in the song. As we looked in the crowd, remembered the notes, remembered the key changes, remembered the words, all while being away from home and exhausted and slightly nervous to be singing in front of random people we had never met in an apartment complex, we were slightly overwhelmed. At this moment, we would look to see our brilliantly talented leader Mr. Tony pointing to his smile on his face as he led the song and music. And we would all remember the conversation we had heard over and over: We should be smiling singing about Jesus. I remembered being mime, and other drama classes that pulled the joy and emotion of loving Jesus out of me without even spoken word. I remember learning very early that the joy of Christ is a fire that can not be contained. Thank you, Sparky. I remembered Mrs. Pam signaling to all of us to uncross our arms and look happy about what we were singing about. I learned that even through cold showers at 5am after sleeping a minimal amount of hours on a gym floor with only a sleeping bag, Jesus was worth smiling and singing about. And people needed to see that. 

I remember this always. In the back of my head, I have a reminder that Jesus is worth smiling about. 

Jesus is worth smiling about when my AC broke yesterday and it was 89 degrees in my house. 

Jesus is worth smiling about even though I have some heart issues I am dealing with.

Jesus is worth smiling about on a Tuesday morning BEFORE coffee *gasp!* while driving your sweet baby to daycare where someone else will get the pleasure of teaching her about life and Jesus for the next 10 hours. 

Thank you Tony, Pam, Elaine, Lisa and all the other people who poured love and joy into our lives growing up. 

I promise, at least in the back of our minds, it stuck with us.

It stuck with me.

Jesus is worth it. All the time.

Sweetness is three already?

My darling Sweetness,

You have changed my life. Three years ago you made sure to have a grand entrance. The waiting, the pain, the medical issues, the unknowing, the intensity - it was all worth it to have you in my arms. My joy outweighed my exhaustion and pain. Baby, God created you, beautiful perfection. Your perfect lips, your long fingers and toes, your dark hair, your inquisitive eyes, your skinny little legs - all hand crafted to the exact measure of awesome. I instantly fell head over heels in love with you; an emotion I was told I would have, but never understood until I met you.

5lb, 11oz, 17 in long of pure perfection.

I look back on the first year with so much joy and pride. I didn't mind waking up with you in the night and sometimes would just stay awake watching you sleep peacefully. We had a lot of me and you time to bond. At 9 months old we embarked on a crazy, wild adventure. I know that God gave me you for this time because we helped get each other through it. I want you to know that I did that I did the absolute best that I could for you, for us. God is good, sweet baby. He is good all the time and He loves you more than either of us could possibly imagine. I loved seeing your personality develop. I cherished all the milestones that you hit of crawling, walking, screeching at incredibly high octaves that I'm sure gave me some hearing loss, and the memories of this special me and you time. I don't have very many pictures from this time, but please know that I can imagine it like it was yesterday and will always cherish those times. You are precious.

The second year went by very quickly because we stayed so busy! We had so much fun and made so many memories of park trips, and sweet mommy/Sweetness time at home together. Several times I cried - tears of joy, of course - as the realization that you are EXACTLY what I had prayed for. I prayed that you would be independent, strong, confident, and spirited with a living heart. Well darling, you sure have enough spirit for the both of us. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Now it's your third birthday. I didn't realize how much would change from two to three. You are taller, your hair is longer, you've lost more of your baby face, of course, which is all part of getting older. But even more than physically, you matured and blossomed. You are asking a lot of questions which I honestly love. I love watching you learn and figure things out. You are hilarious. I have enjoyed this year that I have had the pleasure of helping you learn, love, and live. 

You are beautiful. Inside and out. 

You can do anything. 

I'm so looking forward to this next year. God is going to use you in mighty ways, little one. And I'm privileged to be a part of it. 

You are very loved

Very cherished

And very set apart. 

Happy birthday, darling. 

Entrusted Pieces

He woke me with a nudge by his strong yet gentle hand on my shoulder.

"I'm entrusting you with these." There was urgency in his eyes but a smile on his lips. As I opened my hands, I watched as he carefully placed several pieces of a puzzle into my hands. Not too many that I couldn't hold them but enough that I had to use two hands. I sat up slowly so I didn't spill any of them. I knew they were precious. He wouldn't give me anything that wasn't precious and deserving of my undivided attention. 

For fear of losing even one piece, I dared not set them down. I tried to examine them as best as I could. I moved my hands to try to see the ones underneath but they were hidden. The ones I did see were beautiful. Well, most of them anyways. One was blue with a gold lining. One red and white speckled. One with a myriad amount of colors; some I'd never seen before. There were far more beautiful pieces than plain, that I was grateful for. As I studied the pieces I could see, I started to get discouraged. These were not only different colors that couldn't possibly go together, but they were different shapes. 

I saw he was leaving so I had to ask him quickly, "How will they fit if they don't all match?". I was confident  there had been a mistake.

As he disappeared in the distance I heard him whisper,

"They're not all for you."

Kindergrats

Whatever disdain, unapproval, or apathy you feel towards kindergarten graduations, I just saw two of the most handsome boys walk across the stage.

 They were confidently and proudly grabbing the diploma with huge smiles across their faces. 

And joy in doing good is worth celebration! Love you little bubbas!

Am I really?

Am I really engaged to the man of my dreams?
Am I really cleaning and organizing my apartment to get ready for moving in together?
Am I really going wedding dress shopping this week?
Am I really slowly seeing all of the things that I have prayed for coming to fruition in a more beautiful masterpiece than I ever could have planned myself?

I'm overwhelmed.
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone who has stood by me, prayed with and for me, gotten angry with me, made me laugh, saw the best in me, brought to light the things that could be better, and helped walk with me to the place that I am today: blessed and in complete shock.
I can't even stand in the presence of a great God who sees me as more and better and higher and greater than I can understand.

It's exciting seeing something happen that you seriously doubted ever would.
That spark, those butterflies in my stomach, that electric surge coursing through my veins is enough to light the city on fire.
There are no limits to what He can do.
I knew this, but it is just confirmed all the more.

He has taken ashes and made them beautiful.
He has lit up the darkness with blinding and marvelous light.
He has given shelter to the homeless.
He has given stability to the faltering.
He has given a Father to the Father-less.
He has covered the orphan and widow with his wing and lifted them to royalty.
He has restored what the enemy took.
He has taken what the enemy meant for bad and certainly turned it for good.

Psalm 30:11
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness

We sing this song often in church and it brings me to weeping mess of joy every time.
The lyrics are simple, yet profoundly speak to my heart.
You can listen to the song here. The lyrics are below.

You bring restoration
You bring restoration
You bring restoration
to my soul

You've taken my pain
called me by a new name
You've taken my shame
and in it's place, You give me joy!

You take my mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my weeping and turn it into laughing
You take my mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my sadness and turn it into joy

hallelujah, hallelujah
You make all things new, all things new!