But I don't NEED it

So much of the past 3 years has been focused on Sweetness. I could guide this into a post to focus talking about the struggles and triumphs of single-motherhood, but I'm not. Rather my thoughts today stem from a reoccurring theme in my life recently.

"Take some time for yourself."
"Go on a date."
"Where are you going for your honeymoon?"

"Ryot will be fine", they say, whoever "they" are.

I stumbled on this article earlier in the week about the importance of moms taking time for themselves. You can read the article in full here. There was one portion that especially caught my attention:

So set aside a little time every day to do something, anything, which makes you feel better. For some women, taking care of themselves may involve that candlelit bubble bath, but for others, something else may better fill the bill. Do something that makes you feel good or happy or, simply, more like you. 

More like me...like me. What does that mean? If you ask me what I want to do this weekend, my answers will immediately go down a yellow-bricked road of kid-friendly activities. I will smile and get excited about the memories I will make with Sweetness and my Mr. I will start cramming my days full of the park, movies, painting nails, playing outside or other family activities.

But time for me? Just me? Alone? I would never intentionally schedule that in. Why? Because that does not exist in any way, shape, or form, in my opinion, in the same category as 'fun'. I found that the introverts are always the ones to stress how important it is to get time for yourself. Just as I have found that the people without kids have the BEST advice about parenting. (heavy use of sarcasm here). Not everyone is wired the same.

Do I enjoy going on a date with my Mr. where we get uninterrupted adult conversation? Yes.
Do I enjoy doing adult activities without changing diapers or worrying about temper tantrums? Of course.

But I'd be lying if I don't wonder what she is doing and miss her every second I'm gone. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? Aren't you supposed to like spending time with your kids? I'm not judging people that do take time for themselves. Maybe they really need that alone bubble bath every night. More power to them. But why is it considered weird that I don't need it?

I love adult time. I love friend time. I love a romantic evening with my darling Mr. I love getting dressed up, told I'm beautiful and treated like a Queen for a night.

BUT

I love little girl time. I love bonding with her. I love silly pillow fights and reading books. I love wearing my sweatpants and still being told that I'm pretty and funny by my little girl.

I don't mind dropping Sweetness off with a friend or a family member who will love on her and make sure that her needs are met. But I don't NEED to. I don't NEED adult time away from her. I don't NEED a break from parenting. I love every wonderful, fun, disgusting, hilarious, miraculous, terrifying, adventurous, loving second of it. I think people forget that I am forced to have a break from her every Monday-Friday from  7am-6pm while she is at daycare and I'm at work.

Sometimes I get frustrated and lose my temper. Sometimes I don't know what else to do and we just aren't communicating well. Sometimes before nap time I have to take a couple deep breaths in and pray for her to please, please, please fall asleep. But as soon as she does I am stroking her hair, giving her kisses and falling in love with her all over again. Parenting is hard. But it is simultaneously the most challenging and rewarding thing that I have ever experienced.

It definitely was more difficult before, when doing it alone; but now I have been so blessed to have a gentle, patient, kind, loving, supportive Mr. to help partner with me on this crazy journey.

I am slowly finishing that chapter of single parenthood and opening a new chapter of marriage to a wonderful man, including a 3 yr old and dog. I know it will look different than I'm used to. I know that we will have different challenges and triumphs that I never could imagine or plan for. I know that my time management will need to drastically change as I morph my role adding and removing certain hats. Because of this, I know that Mr, as my husband, will need time specifically devoted to him from me. And I am 100% ok with that. He deserves it and I really desire to do everything in my power to work at creating a safe, open, communicating environment that we are hearing from the Lord and pouring into each other and those around me. That is obviously difficult to do while holding up your 3 yr old's princess dress so that she can pretend to go potty but not really pee because all she wants is the candy you promised her for her trying to go on the potty in the first place. So I know that alone time is necessary to create and sustain a lasting foundation for marriage, but just plain alone time is not necessary for my sanity.

Maybe it's the extrovert in me that doesn't need that alone time.
Maybe it's because I have a constant fresh reminder that no moment is guaranteed.
Maybe it's a slight mommy guilt of having to work away from her so much.
Maybe it's the homebody spirit in me that I would much rather be at home in my pj's than out in real clothes.
Maybe it's been so long since I have just had alone time that I don't know how to enjoy it.
Maybe it's just how I'm wired. And that's ok.

I know that I have a lot left to learn. I know that I will keep learning for the rest of my life. I like the challenge. My life is changing, which means that my priorities will change. Maybe a couple months down the road I will be taking a bubble bath and look back on this post laughing at myself. But right now, this is me.

I'm ok with being me. And get this, I'm ok with being the only me in the whole world.