Last night I sat down determined to read for an hour or so before I went to bed. I made a cup of coffee, snuggled with my blanket on the couch and took a couple deep breaths, ready to immerse myself in insight and wisdom from Bill Johnson. I briefly contemplated turning on some background music but then decided that I didn't want any possible kind of distraction. I was serious.
Then I read 4 paragraphs and stopped at an undeniable truth that punched me in the gut. I read this:
"I have met many women who were called "whores" by their fathers, then struggled with immorality their entire lives. Names can be prophetic declarations that define a person's identity. Because people act according to who they believe they are, these lies are ultimately acted out in their behavior. We respond to our environment according to the way we see ourselves. Words spoken to us become names that we carry in our hearts. These names paint a portrait of us in our imagination and become the lenses through which we view our world. Sticks and stones are breaking our bones, but names are taking away our future!" -Excerpt from chapter 5 of Supernatural Ways of Royalty by Bill Johnson & Kris Vallotton.
I literally felt like the I had the wind knocked out of me. I have written many blog posts, have had several conversations and spent countless hours thinking about my identity in Christ. Especially in the recent months, I have been able to let go of some pretty heavy weights I carried around. Weights in the form of "I am not enough" that are explained a little bit throughout my blog. And I get it. I totally get it. I have missed opportunities by not being bold because of how I viewed myself. Today, I took this thought and ran a little further with it. I looked through every area of my life and analyzed how my response reflects the way I view myself. Work, mommyhood, friends, church, dating. Oh goodness, dating. ugh. There are some guys that I don't even consider as prospects because I felt like they wouldn't date a single mom or that they would only date girls who were double zero models. Now how in the heck could I possibly know what type of girl that a guy is going to be interested in? I mean, really, it's ridiculous! Plus, I have a lot of good qualities that can not be replaced by a pair of junior jeans or an itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot bikini. Some guys have missed the opportunity to talk to my awesomeness because I was convinced that I wasn't good enough for them! Ok, just kidding. I'm really not that vain. ha! But the point has been made. I have probably missed opportunities for dating, work, community service and so many other areas because I was limiting myself by living under a specific name when I have already been given a new name! A new freedom in a great God to not be bound by what I think I am, but be free to live in what He says I am!
Today, I self-examined, but last night was different. I had this out of body view of my world. My grocery store, my office, my apartments, my daycare, my gas station, my playground. These words don't apply to only me. These words apply to the lady from Progressive who was completely rude to me today on the phone. She reacted to her environment according to the way she sees herself. It applies to my next door neighbor who is shy but always kind. He reacts to me according to the way that he sees himself. It applies to a certain somebody in my life who always cuts my physical appearance down. That person reacts to me according to the way they see their self. It applies to my blog reading people who comment on my posts. Whatever I write, interprets to them in a specific way and they react according to the way they see themselves. It applies to everyone. And because of this new found realization, I feel like it is so much easier to be the "body" of Christ now. I feel like insecurity can be replaced with confidence. That judgment can be replaced with compassion. That bitterness and anger can be replaced with forgiveness and love. I feel like with this knowledge it is a lot easier to open up and just be point blank honest about where I'm at in life and what I'm feeling. Not that I haven't been honest, but I know I have held back in situations instead of just stepping out in faith and walking in my new identity.
So what am I going to do about it? It's time for a change in perspective.
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