That was uneccessary and just plain rude!

Why do I do the things that I do?
Why do I do them so mindlessly?
Why do I not take a moment to think about the consequences of my actions before just blindly jumping in to them and yet when I know God is pushing me to give something up or do something, I give him the 5th degree?

Today I had a good thought that I allowed to turn into a plain thought that I allowed to turn into a dangerously inquisitive thought that I allowed to turn into sadness and grief.

What was this thought, you ask? I wondered: Where was I one year ago? What was I doing last year at this time?

This thought in an of itself is not bad. I actually think about this a lot. Usually I remember where I was and it gives me a new thing to be thankful for. I see a small flash of all the things God did in my life and over the course of time which increases my love and adoration for His provision in my life. This time it was just different. Different because I instantly remembered where I was last year - figuratively, emotionally, spiritually and physically. But why didn't I stop there and just be thankful? Why didn't I think about the consequences of looking back over my old blog? Why didn't I realize that those words, mostly written in pain and sadness, would be unnecessarily relived?

So now I'm just irritated. Irritated at my past and irritated at my decision to read what I did...because of course I couldn't just read one post. I had to keep reading more and more. Stupid. But I can't blame anyone else. It was completely unnecessary and just plain rude to do this to myself! What a waste of time!

Now I'm going to go get a cup of coffee.
I'm going to drown myself in scripture and the presence of my great Creator and Sustainer.
I'm going to stop wasting time sulking or being angry at myself.

Rawr.