Nostalgia

I don't know what he was saying. Asking me a question, maybe? I'm not sure but I could hear his voice. He laughed. Oh, how I miss hearing him laugh. Was I supposed to laugh? I don't know. I don't know what he just said. Silence. Wait, come back. Just say another word. Another sentence. Please. I hear him say "hello" and I respond telling him that I am there. I mutter a lie that the phone has bad connection when really its just a bad connection in my brain. Flashbacks. Flashbacks to him wearing his brown leather jacket standing in my little one bedroom apartment. It was the first time he had been there and he looked so handsome. Flashbacks of driving to Florida to introduce him to my friends. It was the first time I had been back in a while and we made so many good memories. Memories. Memories of playing pool at Papa Murphy's in Lawton. Memories of dancing in the parking lot under the moon. Memories of the dang Lawton birds exploding the transformers and knocking the whole apartment's power out. We didn't care. We just sat in the dark in each others arms and it was perfect. Memories of finding notes in my cabinets telling me how beautiful I was and that he had never been happier. I was happy too.

I hear a 'hello' again. I close my eyes. For a moment, just a moment he is calling me to ask me what we were going to do this evening, or maybe to plan a date, or maybe to say that we should go somewhere to watch football. Just for a moment, he is calling me to tell me that he loves me or to get Ryot's shoe size because he found a pair that he just had to buy for her. Just hearing his voice through the phone takes me back to those days. Those happy days. Those crazy days. Those funny days.

But those days are no more. I don't want them back now because I already know the outcome of that love story. It doesn't end really well. So that person, whoever he was, is dead. Long gone. I miss that person. The carcass that is left is someone I must deal with, but I have no connection to. No past. No future. Just a weird present where the most basic form of communication is required on an occasional basis.

So I just like to remember the good times and look forward to the great times I have ahead. I was happy then, but that happiness was fleeting as is custom with death. I have a new love now. Actually, I've loved Him for many years, but always struggled with giving Him my whole heart.

He died as well. A horrific, terrifying death. But death could not hold him. He is risen!

I can't explain this love for fear of not describing the full effect as eloquently as this great love deserves. All I can say is that I have NEVER been happier, more fulfilled, more wanted, more desired, more listened to, more cared for, more full, more lifted, more excited, more challenged, more trusted, more LOVED than I do now.

I don't have all the answers. I make a lot of mistakes. But that's the incredible thing. He doesn't want a relationship with me because I look like a Victoria Secret Model or because I have a PhD or because I have nice things or a lot of money. He loves me for who I am. How is that possible? Because He created me.

I'm not scientifically inclined. I can't explain all the mysteries. All I have is what I know, what I have experienced and how I feel.

No one will ever love me as much as God does.
No one will ever love you as much as God does.
That is not a feeling.
That is a fact.