My brain works in an odd fashion. I want to tell you about my new journey, but I feel compelled to give a small recount of the stirring that led to my first step.
Fact: I feel inadequate to describe myself except for the things I'm absolutely sure about.
I had an uncomfortable conversation last night. I don't even remember what I was talking about, really, but somehow I said that whatever trait I was talking about wouldn't even be on my top ten list of things I would use to describe myself. Well, the ever-attentive Mr. wouldn't let that opportunity go unnoticed so he asked,
"What would be the top 10 things you would use to describe yourself?"
An anxious thud in my heart was the pit of my stomach falling, followed by an awkward silence.
Oh, I hate this question.
Most of the time when I'm asked to describe myself in any sort of fashion I feel like any positive note would be bragging. However, I have no qualms trying to help a friend realize their full potential. Such a frustrating attribute about myself. But this isn't about what is frustrating, but what is good.
One of the top five things that I think describe me has been confirmed to me through other people; some that know me and some that don't.
To my very core, I am a worshipper at heart.
I just love Jesus, it's just a fact.
Stop. Don't roll your eyes or think ill of this statement, because, you see, I am not a worshipper for reasons that you may be thinking. I am not a worshipper because I have a great voice, want to get away with dancing in a church, or because I am "holier" than the average lady.
I crave worship. I worship God because I need to, have to. I worship with or without music because I can not survive without it. It's like breathing, grasping for air while I'm being engulfed in a perfect flame. It's an involuntary need for something greater than myself.
Everyone worships something. Before I came to this realization, I unknowingly clung to several things - relationships, approval of people, Dr. Pepper, and sweets among other things. I was suffocating because I needed connection, approval, love. Sometimes it showed up with a pretty bow that resembled protecting my friends and loyalty. Sometimes it had a fierce stare that stood for justice. Sometimes it took the burden of the world just to fit in. Sometimes it was a warm blanket of comfort as I indulged in the sweets that I craved. I slowly craved more and more. Not one soda, but two or three. Not only the approval of my boss, but my coworkers too. Not just protecting my friends, but taking offense in situations that had nothing to do with me. This is how addiction works. Though I've never done hard drugs, I'm fairly certain the majority of people would admit that you can't just do one hit. It makes you want more, need more, crave more. Like Oreos. You can't eat just ONE Oreo.
1 Corinthians 6:12 says "'All things are lawful for me', but not all things are helpful. 'All things are lawful for me', but I will not be enslaved by anything."
I believe whole-heartedly that the simple pleasures of this life were meant to be enjoyed. I believe that Coffee is nectar from the heavens itself, puddles were meant to be jumped in, that music has the power to move the soul, and that a sunset was painted for my eyes to see. However, to merely stop at enjoying them makes the cycle incomplete. All is to the glory of God. Each person, place, things, noise, taste, smell is all for the glory of God. The sunset is breath-takingly beautiful, yes, but it exists as such because He painted it, to His glory. If anything overcomes me, it should be for His glory. If it is for His glory, it should produce good fruit. No if's, and's or but's about it. Too much of a good thing can become a bad thing if the heart is not guarded from addiction and there is a shift in the base of self-worth. As hard as it is to admit, I have admitted it a hundred times. The majority of the time that my self-worth slides away from its rightful place, it is because I am focused on my outward appearance. It's this dang carcass! But it is the only one I have and it was given to me for a reason. It is my job to take care of it and do all to the glory of God.
I have not been taking care of my body. I have not been taking care of my emotions related to my body. It's time for a change. And not just a change to fit into a bridesmaid dress that I will need to wear in May. This needs to happen because it's a battle of wills that I am desperately fighting, and losing.
I was born to worship. There is no life outside of worship, to any degree. Everyone worships something. The fault is when the worship is either producing bad fruit or when it crowds out the better things that God has to offer.
I want to crave prayer like I crave my afternoon candy treat.
I want to crave time reading my Bible like I crave coffee in the morning.
I want to look at my body and feel confident that I am doing the best I can with what God gave me.
I want to take my portion, and create something even more beautiful when I go home at the end of this life.
So my journey begins.
I will be taking Advocare products to aid in weightloss, appetite control and to fill my body with vitamins and nutrients so that I can be the best possible version of me that I can.
This is not merely a weightloss journey. This is a journey for more of Him. This is an area that I struggle with and I feel needs to be addressed right now, but the next chapter might look a little different. No matter how many little journey's I go on of self-improvement, the goal is always Christ. My desire is always for a deeper connection in Him that overshadows any other desire that this world could offer. This world is temporary. He is constant.
If you are interested in Advocare products, I can tell you what I know.
If you are interested in my great God, I can tell you what I love.
Either way, you are welcome to join me on this crazy ride called life.
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