Please join us

The chains have been broken. Your debt has been paid in full. You have been restored to your free status. There is nothing that anyone can do or say that will take that status away from you. You have every weapon you could imagine to your disposal. You have allies in every city and country in the world. You have the map and directions on how to get where you need to be. You also have inside you a supernatural force that empowers you with strength, discernment, and knowledge. 

There is an enemy out there that is stealing from your friends, your family, and you - right in front of you. 

This enemy ruins marriages, steals belongings, sets houses on fire, takes jobs, and slaughters millions of people. 

Are you still standing in the cell?

Why? Two is better than one. Four is better than two. Three thousand is better than four. But if we all stand in the cell, lives will continue to be lost. 

Please, put on your armor. Pick up your sword. Fight with me. Don't let the enemy steal what does not belong to him. 

We are in a battle so if some of us get tired, don't leave us behind. Tensions will be high because there is a lot at stake, but we must not let division happen in the ranks. We have to stick together. We have to have each other backs. We can't let the enemy slip in and place fear or judgment between us. We can't fight about how much armor we have or if yours is nicer than mine. We have been given exactly what we need. And if it keeps us alive that's all that matters. 

Don't try to do what I do. You have a specific set of skills that you have been given. You have weapons I don't. Practice with them. Use them. We are going to need them in this battle. And if you don't use them, who will? We can't afford dead limbs on the tree. We all have to work together. 

See the thing is, we've already won the war, but most of the people here don't know. We have to tell them. We have to give them their armor and weapons. We have to get them out of their cells. But you have to step out of yours, first. 

Please. Please join us. 

The Great Handbag Abyss - 31DC14

What's in my handbag?

Woah, now. This is getting a little personal. If you're sure that you want to embark on the journey to the great abyss that which is my purse, I will accompany you for your safety. 

As we jump into the front pocket, we are immediately greeted with the enticing smell of peppermint from the two new packs of Cobalt flavored 5Gum. Then seemingly out of place you will see America's Number One Ouchless Elastic Bands and some Essential Oil that my dear friend Kathy gave me when Sweetness tried to dance with the ants this past Sunday. (Shout out to Kathy for being an amazing friend to the rescue! Love that woman!) The zipper of this front pocket always stays undone because I chew gum all. day. long. Random fact about me. You're welcome.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, we will venture to the capital of this purse colony. Dun, dun, dunnnnn!

The first thing in my line of sight is my Costa Sunglass case. For those of you who own regular sunglasses, let me just tell you about a product that has changed my life. I used to get headaches often while driving. I was used to squinting my eyes so much that I'm sure I will need botox to get rid of that wrinkle in between my eyebrows. With the Costa's I don't ever have to worry about that! I wear them even if it's not bright outside because I can see better with them than with my eyes alone. The polarized lenses took me about a day to get used to, but now the only thing I notice is the little rainbow of colors that I see when I look at some windows. Who doesn't want more rainbows in their life? They make the world a more magical place which is totally worth the money you spend on them. Unless you have an amazing fiance like I do who buys them for you. (Shout out to the Mr. Thanks darling!) Come on. So without further ado it is, dare I say, my duty to tell you to buy Costa's. Do it. You're welcome, again.

The second thing I see is my beautiful Coach wallet. There's no fancy pattern. It is just blue, which is perfect for me. It is special to me because my niece and my brother in law picked it out for me for my first mother's day after becoming a single mom and living in a brand new state. I wasn't expecting to get anything at all. It was a wonderful surprise that I will cherish forever. (Shout out to you, dear familia! Love you!) I would never purchase a Coach for myself because I hate spending money, but this thing has lasted me 2 years! Durable, cute, and brand name. Golly, I'm spoiled!

A receipt from Target, the CD from my family/engagement/Sweetness pictures with the waiver, a semi-colored picture from Sweetness, a Blue Raspberry Dum Dum wrapper, and my checkbook are wedged in between my wallet and a cute blue flowered bag that I have 3 tubes of chapstick, a tattoo sunscreen stick, hand sanitizer, and deodorant in.  Ya know just random essentials. I'm sure you were just DYING to know this information. You're welcome, again again.

The bottom of my handbag is a mystery to even me. I rarely ever clean out my bag so we will be adventurous together. I found 7 pens and a sharpie, Excedrin Migraine meds, 4 crumpled gum wrappers, a straw from a juicebox, a bag with 29 dollars and a ton of quarters that I used for my sister's garage sale, a pair of 3T training panties for the Sweetness, a hair claw, and my keys.

You see, I'm prepared for life. You never know when you will need a juicebox straw....

31 Day Challenge - Day 14

Psychoanalysis

So here is the scenario- the car behind me slips to the lane next to me slowly speeding up with full intentions on passing me. This doesn't bother me because they obviously have some urgency, when I do not. There is too small of a gap between the car in front of them and me in the other lane so I lift my foot off the gas to make a little room. That's when they quickly accelerate and cut in front of me like their life depended on it and speed away. I don't mind being passed but it's that last little jolt that's irritating. Like they won over on me or somehow outsmarted me to push their way through the space like I wasn't willingly slowing down to let them over. 

I will probably never see them again AND it really doesn't matter. So why do I feel that small twinge of irritation?
It's nothing that ruins my day, but it does make me question....

What about the situation is frustrating?

Is there anything I could have done to avoid the irritation?

Why does it matter if my kindness is rejected? I should be kind no matter if it is received or not?

Am I just trying to control the situation? Like, am I "allowing" them in because I'm nice and I subconsciously think they should be grateful for my kindness?

What is the real problem rooted in?

I think it stems from a fear of being misunderstood, yes, a need to be understood. 

Why is that important? What other areas of my life does this affect?

Why am I thinking about this? Ha!

Why do I psychoanalize my actions, reactions and interactions?

The Money Issue - 31DC12&13

This weekend while having dinner with some friends/mentors, I was asked this question:

"If money wasn't an issue, what would your perfect wedding look like?"

I don't like this question. I think I don't like this question because money has always been an issue so I don't know how to imagine money not being an issue. Part of me thinks dreaming is just a waste of time because it just creates an envy in me for what I can't have. I want to dream about things that I can accomplish, yet I know that dreaming will open up doors to places and opportunities that I never imagined I could accomplish. This is my dilemma. I typically want to make achievable goals. But if I will try to relax and be fun instead of so serious, for your sake. So, if I wont the lottery I don't know what I would do with every cent, but here are some things that came to mind (in no particular order):

- Pay off debt
- Secure college fund for Sweetness
- Buy a reasonable house
- Donate to my church and other charities that pull my heart strings
- Go on a cool vacation
- Pour time and my new found resources into making writing more of a possible full-time career.

I'm sure there are more things that I would do with such a large amount of money, but I think those six things are a good start. I know that I would want to use the money to pour into abilities, talents, and opportunities.

I don't know who said it, but it's one of my favorite quotes about money and being frugal.

"To be frugal means to have a high joy-to-stuff ratio."

I would love to win the lottery. But I would have to buy a lottery ticket first, and I'm too frugal for that. ;)"

31 Day Challenge - Days 12 & 13

That morning was my proudest moment - 31DC11

It's scary to be alone. It's scary to be pregnant for the first time, have a baby, be in the care of the worst hospital staff in the US (I'd be willing to bet it is), and to be alone. But we did it, little girl. I stayed up staring at your perfect little features, watching your chest rise and fall with every breath, and just being in awe that you were finally here. Bringing you into the world was intense, scary, and nerve-wrecking. There were so many nurses and doctors in the room. After you entered the world, bliss and the greatest joy overwhelmed any pain or nerves that I felt before. You were and are perfect, beautiful, and best of all, mine.

The next morning when I woke up, you were awake but peacefully taking the world in around you. As exhausted as we both were, we had conquered the the first night, alone but together. Just you and me. 

That morning, just me and you, is my proudest moment. 

A little now and a little then - 31DC8, 9 & 10

There are some things that gross me out. I can't explain it other than I was created this way. The idea of a needle puncturing the skin, slicing its way through your insides and coming out on the other side just plain FREAKS ME OUT.

IV's
Shots
Piercings

All gross.

I worked up a lot of courage to go get my ears pierced just a few months ago. This would be the 3rd time in my life I have had the pierced and I was determined to not let the holes close up again. I couldn't bear the thought of having to pierce them any more. At least now, I am in a stage of my life that I am not playing sports and sweating almost all day so I can stay clean and they can heal.

Mr. and I went to the shop and I was mentally preparing myself the whole way by talking to Mr., texting friends, taking pictures, and just slightly having an anxiety attack inside. But I was determined to overcome my fears and get this done.

The last time I had earrings was in 2008, as you can see from the pic below.

And here is an old pic from before I even had any tattoos!

And to go back even a little further...this pic is before I ever really cut my hair and WAY before I started dyeing it. THROWBACK for real!

And while we are on the subject of throwbacks, I might as well tell you about one of my very first celebrity crushes....(it's a stretch, I know but I need to catch up on the challenge). I don't know if they were my very first crushes, but they definitely were in the beginning when I started noticing cute boys. 

check out these studs!

You're Welcome.

Top 10 - 31DC7

I probably could live off of the same foods for the rest of my life. I had a little bit of a difficult time coming up with 10 of my favorite foods for the 31DC Day 7, and most of them are sweets. But here they are in no particular order:

1. COFFEE- this is considered a food because it is made from a berry.

2. Brownies- warm and gooey middle pieces, preferrably

3. Fruit- All fruit except watermelon and honeydew melon

4. Potatoes- in any form

5. Peanut Sauce- (my aunt's recipe is the best) with chicken satay and rice. yummmmm

6. Cupcakes- Rise Cupcakes are the best!

7. Basil Pesto Chicken- on a sandwich, in pasta, in a salad, those flavors are just perfect together

8. Spinach Artichoke dip- warm and cheesy and melty

9. Graham Cracker Praline- so delicious and simple!

10. Double Chocolate Fudge Coca-Cola Cake from Cracker Barrel- God's gift to my taste buds.

Now it's not even lunch time and I'm starving! All of my thoughts for losing weight and eating healthy are being replaced with mouth-watering chocolate cake. But I must press on! 

I'm just thankful I don't have to eat manna every day.

Do you have at least three? - 31DC6

I will partially blame not having a computer at home for why I didn't blog on Sunday. It is hard to think when you have to type and scroll on that tiny screen.

I will partially blame not blogging on Monday because I was slammed at the office. However, one would counter that I had time to be on Facebook. Yes, I was busy at work, but I wasn't too busy that I didn't have enough time to blog. I saw what the challenge was for Sunday (31DC6) and I froze a little -"3 Personality Traits that I am proud of". Ugh. No bueno. 

My thought process went back and forth something like this:

Oh gosh, I don't know.

          No, you need to be confident.

But how do I brag about myself?

          Bragging and confidence are two different things

But it just feels weird talking about what I'm proud of myself for

          You are royalty. A princess. A beautiful creation. Boasting in His image is not bragging. 

So here it goes:

ONE

I was given a beautiful heart of mercy. One that can only be described as the mercy of God flowing through me because I love everyone. I used to not protect my heart of mercy so I would love to the point of other people trampling me, but oh, how that has changed. My feet are now firmly planted in truth and I am free to love without being taken advantage of because my identity is not rooted in their acceptance of my love and mercy, but instead is unshakably buried in a great love and acceptance from the Author of unconditional love Himself.

TWO

I am probably annoyingly optimistic. The glass is not have full, it is all the way full - half water, half air. I'm happy 99% of the time and if I'm not happy, it doesn't take me long to get happy. This was not always the case, but when you worship God there is no other way to be than joyful. He overflows my heart with music and singing; dance and laughter spew from me like an erupting volcano. Except it probably does happy damage instead of engulfing things in boiling fire lava. That would most certainly create the opposite of joy. I usually see the silver lining, the upside, the reward, or whatever glimpse of goodness there is in a situation. I gain joy from the smallest pleasures and am perfectly happy just being in His presence for a little joy refill.

THREE

I would like to take pride in being low-maintenance. I guess you might want to double check with Mr. to see if he thinks the same. I don't have to have designer bags or brand name clothing. I don't have to wear makeup everyday. My hair often isn't curled or hair sprayed. I don't mind getting a little dirty to help move furniture or do yardwork. (Side note: I HATE yardwork. I hope I never have to pick weeds again. However, I don't mind at all helping a friend or neighbor if they really need it. I would just rather pay someone to do my own. THAT,  I don't mind spending money on.) I don't need Sweetness to have the latest and greatest toys or clothes. I think being low-maintenance is a good quality to have. 

Maybe the third point is just me being lazy by not wanting to fix my hair. Maybe it's me being stingy with my money and not wanting to go shopping for nice things. Maybe it isn't a good quality trait at all. ha! I don't know. But I do know that the only reason those first two are on the list at all is because of my great God. Yes, he created me unique and beautiful, but my flesh often times doesn't want to do productive and positive things. It is His Spirit in me, in communion with me, teaching me gently, guiding me with wisdom that meets me right where I am. And through spending time with Him I have more joy and more peace than what would ever make sense. He is good. All the time. He is worth it. He is powerful and has equipped me to do powerful things with His power working through me. It's all because of Him that I am able to walk in victory and with confidence. 

I am learning every day to walk confidently, maybe next week I will have 3 more traits that I am proud of. 

I would like to hear your 3 traits that you are proud of.

Do you have to think hard about that?

Or does a list form naturally in your head?

Is your list formed from confidence in yourself or in who you were made to be?

Newsroom - 31DC5

Not having a computer at home makes it difficult to blog so I'm going to pull the Sparky's blog challenge minimum requirement. 

Day 5 of the 31 Day Challenge: my guilty pleasure. 

I don't know if it's technically a guilty pleasure but I'm addicted. It's hilariously witty and able to keep my interest for several episodes in a row. Newsroom. Watch it. 

Mama's perfume -31DC4

I only remember one chore I ever truly loved. I remember the small end table with delicate gold-colored legs. I would carefully remove each bottle of my mother's perfume taking time to smell every one. Pronouncing their names was an impossible task, but fun to try nonetheless. The shelves of the table were round mirrors that I would slowly wipe with my soft rag to remove dust and small marks so I could see my reflection. Looking in that glass I remembered thinking that maybe one day I would be pretty like mama.

Yes, one day.





31DC4

"What's in a Name?" - 31DC3

Name. Titles. Labels. They're funny things.

Whether they are merely informational, meant to draw you in, or specifically descriptive, they have a job to do. Day 3 on the 31 Day Challenge prompted me to write about  the "Meaning of my Business Name". I don't have a business, but I do have some other names! Enjoy...

I took a quiz today on BrainFall.com asking how Texan I am. I was not surprised to receive my results that I was only 17% Texan. My Mr. likes to point out that I have lived in Texas longer than I've lived anywhere else, but it still doesn't feel like home. There are a lot of things that I feel land far inferior to the beautiful beaches in Destin, FL, but I am trying my best to make this state home. I don't know if I will live here forever, but I like the idea of living close to our families. Maybe one day I will identify as a Texan. Maybe...
(Side note to all you "Don't mess with Texas" people. The slogan "Don't mess with Texas" really has to do with littering, not some macho Texas-is-better-than-everything slogan. For real, check it out here. End Rant.)

Most of my more recent usernames for social media or shopping websites are some form of "quietryot". I didn't choose it to reference the band, Quiet Riot, because I didn't even know they existed at the time of said username creation. I chose it because I thought it was clever and it is the opposite of the Sweetness' name. She has moments of quiet, but it's usually when she is sleeping. All awake hours are full of sweet songs, gibberish, talking, whining, laughing, screaming, giggling, shhhing her baby, or crying. She doesn't have very many quiet bones in her which is why the username makes me smile.

My name was given to me at birth. Honestly, I never have particularly cared for my first name, but it's the only one I've got, so I'll keep it. My middle name, however, I love. My middle name is my Granny's first name. I like that I'm Granny's namesake. We have a special bond, a connection. I wouldn't trade that for the world. My last name currently is my old married name and I CAN'T WAIT to get rid of it. It rhymes with my first name which is really tacky, and I'm no longer any form of the girl I used to be. I'm very much looking forward to adapting a new name in 127 days. New Name. New Beginning. I like that.

This is the Kabalarian Analysis of my name:

• Your name of Kayla creates an intense desire for association with people and new experiences, many of which have been rather bitter.
   
• This name has given you a gregarious personality and a quick-thinking, creative, and versatile nature, but one that is unstable emotionally.
   
• You desire change and travel and would enjoy opportunities that allowed you to be creative and to act independently, rather than to conform to system and routine.
   
• However, this name does not allow you to complete your undertakings, as farther fields always look greener.
   
• Although you may appear confident and positive, you actually lack confidence and feel self-conscious at times.
   
• This name spoils patience and depth of thought, and weakens your stand in matters of principle.
   
• You are too open to suggestion, and thus you could become involved in detrimental associations which could lead you into by-paths of thrill-seeking or emotional indulgence.
   
• Any weakness in your health would appear in the fluid functions as kidney, bladder, or circulatory problems.
   
• or in a sensitivity affecting your stomach.

I could agree with some and disagree with others, but is it that all people names "Kayla" have these qualities? I think that highly unlikely. You can find out your name analysis here.


What about you?
Are you a Texan?
Does your username describe you?
Do you like your given name or do you want to change it?

What's in a name?





31DC3

20 Facts about ME! - 31DC2

I remember the youth group leaders walking around with a bag full of M&M's telling us all to take a handful. The moment they told us not to eat them I knew I should have only grabbed a few instead of the overflowing handful I had then. It was after taking our handful that we learned that for every M&M, we would have to tell something about ourselves. That's a scary thing for a group of middle and high school kids to do. But we did it. We opened up. We formed closer bonds. We learned about each other. We connected.

So today, as part of my 31 Day Challenge, I am going to share 20 facts about me with you!

1. I can whistle a note, but not a tune.

2. My sense of direction likens that of a blindfolded tourist who has been spun around 37 times and dropped off in a foreign country.

3. I would rather be given choices, than free reign.

4. I take pictures of everything and everyone at every moment. I'm not ashamed.

5. Summer is my favorite season. I don't mind the heat, but I hate wearing shorts. It's a dilemma. 

6. I love variety and exploration, but not change. Why ruin a good thing? For example, I love trying new restaurants, but I usually order the same thing at old restaurants.

7. I'm texture sensitive. I can't stand the feel and sound of styrofoam, the feeling of microfiber and suede, or eating anything spongy or slimy like cooked mushrooms. This is why I sometimes will eat watermelon even though I don't like the taste. It has a neat crisp texture.

8. I love meeting new people. They fascinate me. 

9. I am a plant killer. I don't mean to. I just can't keep them alive no matter how hard I try.

10. I'm not a foodie. If I could live off of fruit, chocolate, and coffee, I would in a heartbeat. 

11. Speaking of heart beat, mine is particularly slow...like a resting rate between 30-40 bpm, known as Bradycardia.  

12. I love children. I want to have 5 naturally and through adoption. I would also love to foster. I have 1 beautiful little girl who I have the best relationship with. It secretly makes me want to have all boys for the other babies so that I can have something special between me and her. 

13. I am not afraid of spiders that can kill me, but I am afraid of roaches just because they are disgusting.

14. My favorite smells are coffee and cranberry mandarin. I can't stand vanilla and lavender.

15. My big brother was and is my hero. Always has been, always will be. 

16. I have several countdowns active on my phone for birthdays, holidays, and random events. I like to keep track of time spent and time left.

17. My level of math expertise stops around 3rd grade. 

18. I obsessively watch the speedometer when I'm driving. I have a heavy foot, but I'm terrified to get a ticket. Because of this slight anxiety and #2, I really don't like driving.

19. I'm a hugger. I hug people I have just met. 

20. In 128 days I am marrying "him whom my soul loves". (SOS 3:4) Fact: I never thought I would find a man of his caliber. Who he is encourages me to be a better and truer version of me as a person, a friend, an almost wife, a mom, etc. I love him.



31DC2

Blinking Blinker -31DC1

Blink, blink, blink, blinkblink, blinkblinkblink. Curse you, blinking cursor.

I can't stare at this blank page anymore. This feeling of blah when I open the page needs to go back to whatever black hole it came form. Where is the spunk? Where is the inspiration? Why can't I continue writing my cliffhanger? Where are all the funny stories? What is the pause in my brain from expressing my thoughts? How do I have so much going on and yet no way of explaining it?

A challenge will do the trick...maybe. I'm gonna stick it through. I can do anything for just 31 days. The full list of the challenge can be found here.

Today is supposed to be an introduction. Welcome. Welcome to my blogging brain space. I am not solely responsible for what ends up here. I'm just transcribing the madness that occurs up top. I can't begin to count the number of times I actually have to go back and re-read my posts because I really can't remember what all happened during my blogging minutes. Also what could contribute to this is the other 37 things that are usually going on at the same time. 

If you continue reading past this, I applaud you in your weirdness. I promise, good things are to come. 

I'm gonna start a riot.

I'm gonna fan the flame.

I'm gonna make some noise.

I'm gonna woo some hearts. 

I'm gonna change the rules.

I'm gonna break the barricades.

I'm gonna cross the line.

I'm gonna make mistakes. 

I'm gonna triumph over the enemy.

I'm gonna wage a war. 

I'm gonna eat a lot of chocolate.

Come start a fire with me...

5 Min Fridays! #firstworldproblems

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, set, go!

As I was late to get Sweetness from daycare, the combination of working mommy guilt and the effects of a frustrating day had my mood less than chipper. I powered on the radio and started the drive to the daycare. I called Mr., who is always so attentive and supportive, so he let me vent a little. When I got off of the phone, the burning in my chest had increased so that I was sure steam was visibly coming out of my bright red ears. I saw it on tv as a kid so it must be true. Talking about what frustrated you when you are still frustrated seems to have that effect. Wearing my Shane and Shane shirt, I turned up my Shane and Shane cd (I'm a dedicated fan, ya know). The sweet lyrics instantly started softening my heart in that gentle way that only the Holy Spirit works; a soft whisper or a peaceful breeze. I rolled my eyes at my own thoughts and mentally hashtagged my outlook on the situation #firstworldproblems. 

This is a generic hashtag that has grown in popularity. I would love to assume it is a helpful hashtag that raises awareness of poverty or contributes to creating a more grateful generation but I fear it has only served as an excuse so that guilt doesn't overcome whatever #firstworldproblem we are dealing with. This is obviously not the case all the time so don't bunch your britches. 

Coming back from my slight digression, the simple fact is my bad day is a menial first world problem compared to the problems that some of my dear friends have experienced in India and the Dominican Republic this past week. My five minutes is up now so I will just leave you with this-

Life is too precious to waste your emotions on things that don't matter. In my experience you have two options when facing difficulty: 

Change your situation or change your attitude. 

So I'm choosing to change my attitude and take on Saturday with a heart of gratitude. Who know's if I will succeed, but I'm going to try.

Please pray for the DR and India! Many lives were changed and many seeds were planted so we ask for more of God, always more. That He would pour out His Spirit and awake them to their thirst. Also for safe travels for the teams back to us stateside!

But I don't NEED it

So much of the past 3 years has been focused on Sweetness. I could guide this into a post to focus talking about the struggles and triumphs of single-motherhood, but I'm not. Rather my thoughts today stem from a reoccurring theme in my life recently.

"Take some time for yourself."
"Go on a date."
"Where are you going for your honeymoon?"

"Ryot will be fine", they say, whoever "they" are.

I stumbled on this article earlier in the week about the importance of moms taking time for themselves. You can read the article in full here. There was one portion that especially caught my attention:

So set aside a little time every day to do something, anything, which makes you feel better. For some women, taking care of themselves may involve that candlelit bubble bath, but for others, something else may better fill the bill. Do something that makes you feel good or happy or, simply, more like you. 

More like me...like me. What does that mean? If you ask me what I want to do this weekend, my answers will immediately go down a yellow-bricked road of kid-friendly activities. I will smile and get excited about the memories I will make with Sweetness and my Mr. I will start cramming my days full of the park, movies, painting nails, playing outside or other family activities.

But time for me? Just me? Alone? I would never intentionally schedule that in. Why? Because that does not exist in any way, shape, or form, in my opinion, in the same category as 'fun'. I found that the introverts are always the ones to stress how important it is to get time for yourself. Just as I have found that the people without kids have the BEST advice about parenting. (heavy use of sarcasm here). Not everyone is wired the same.

Do I enjoy going on a date with my Mr. where we get uninterrupted adult conversation? Yes.
Do I enjoy doing adult activities without changing diapers or worrying about temper tantrums? Of course.

But I'd be lying if I don't wonder what she is doing and miss her every second I'm gone. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? Aren't you supposed to like spending time with your kids? I'm not judging people that do take time for themselves. Maybe they really need that alone bubble bath every night. More power to them. But why is it considered weird that I don't need it?

I love adult time. I love friend time. I love a romantic evening with my darling Mr. I love getting dressed up, told I'm beautiful and treated like a Queen for a night.

BUT

I love little girl time. I love bonding with her. I love silly pillow fights and reading books. I love wearing my sweatpants and still being told that I'm pretty and funny by my little girl.

I don't mind dropping Sweetness off with a friend or a family member who will love on her and make sure that her needs are met. But I don't NEED to. I don't NEED adult time away from her. I don't NEED a break from parenting. I love every wonderful, fun, disgusting, hilarious, miraculous, terrifying, adventurous, loving second of it. I think people forget that I am forced to have a break from her every Monday-Friday from  7am-6pm while she is at daycare and I'm at work.

Sometimes I get frustrated and lose my temper. Sometimes I don't know what else to do and we just aren't communicating well. Sometimes before nap time I have to take a couple deep breaths in and pray for her to please, please, please fall asleep. But as soon as she does I am stroking her hair, giving her kisses and falling in love with her all over again. Parenting is hard. But it is simultaneously the most challenging and rewarding thing that I have ever experienced.

It definitely was more difficult before, when doing it alone; but now I have been so blessed to have a gentle, patient, kind, loving, supportive Mr. to help partner with me on this crazy journey.

I am slowly finishing that chapter of single parenthood and opening a new chapter of marriage to a wonderful man, including a 3 yr old and dog. I know it will look different than I'm used to. I know that we will have different challenges and triumphs that I never could imagine or plan for. I know that my time management will need to drastically change as I morph my role adding and removing certain hats. Because of this, I know that Mr, as my husband, will need time specifically devoted to him from me. And I am 100% ok with that. He deserves it and I really desire to do everything in my power to work at creating a safe, open, communicating environment that we are hearing from the Lord and pouring into each other and those around me. That is obviously difficult to do while holding up your 3 yr old's princess dress so that she can pretend to go potty but not really pee because all she wants is the candy you promised her for her trying to go on the potty in the first place. So I know that alone time is necessary to create and sustain a lasting foundation for marriage, but just plain alone time is not necessary for my sanity.

Maybe it's the extrovert in me that doesn't need that alone time.
Maybe it's because I have a constant fresh reminder that no moment is guaranteed.
Maybe it's a slight mommy guilt of having to work away from her so much.
Maybe it's the homebody spirit in me that I would much rather be at home in my pj's than out in real clothes.
Maybe it's been so long since I have just had alone time that I don't know how to enjoy it.
Maybe it's just how I'm wired. And that's ok.

I know that I have a lot left to learn. I know that I will keep learning for the rest of my life. I like the challenge. My life is changing, which means that my priorities will change. Maybe a couple months down the road I will be taking a bubble bath and look back on this post laughing at myself. But right now, this is me.

I'm ok with being me. And get this, I'm ok with being the only me in the whole world.

Not now

So much was discussed today. So much is still left to be decided.  It seems I am caught at a strange middle ground. Several times today I found myself asking the same questions:

Is this necessary?

Is this wise?

Does it have to be decided now?

No. It doesn't have to be decided now. So I can sleep in peace. 

Trusting the wind

This morning I was listening to a Tom Petty station on iTunes radio while I had an office full of people. It was the normal schedule of catching up from yesterday and planning the day ahead. When I was alone again I increased the volume so I could whistle while I worked (just kidding, I can't really whistle) and I heard Son Volt's song "Windfall" singing these lyrics:

May the wind take your troubles away.

Suddenly I was stopped in my tracks. What was I listening to? May the wind take my troubles away? What does that even mean? I changed the station to one called "3 of a kind - Hillsong, Elevation Worship, Jesus Culture". Immediately I heard these lyrics:

So let hope rise and darkness tremble in Your holy light, 

and every eye will see Jesus, our God, great and mighty to be praised!

I couldn't but smile then and even now still as a wave of peace washed over me. I just sighed aloud, a great sigh of relief. He is near, present, in communion, constant, all-knowing, loving, my Abba.

Do I want to live a life where I hope that the wind takes my troubles away, or do I want darkness to tremble in His holy light?

Do I want to sit and wait for the wind, or do I want hope to rise?

Do I trust something as quivering and unstable as the wind to remove and heal, or do I choose to conquer that which ails me?

Do I want my troubles to be just taken away and me left empty to start again or do I want my troubles to be defeated and then replenished with praise which will produce joy, peace and all forms of power?

I choose hope and life and power and purpose. 

Keurig haiku

Customer service

A lost art among this world

Thank you ma'am and sir

Even my keurig 

Displays on screen to Enjoy

Well done, programmer

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all the single moms out there pulling double the weight. 

Happy Father's Day to all the widows who have lost their loves but must go on without them. 

Happy Father's Day to the Grandparents, cousins or other relatives like my Uncle who step in to raise kids like me who need a father.  

Happy Father's Day to my soon-to-be father in law! He is so hard working and one that many people love and look to for wisdom! 

Happy Father's Day to all of the stepdads who choose to love your wife and the wonderful little gift(s) that came along with them. I can assure you, your love for the littles makes her fall in love with you more. And I can assure you of this because of my Mr.

Sweetness is three in all fashions of the word. He is so patient and loving with her, he backs me up on teaching her what is right, he plays with her as they both erupt in giggles, he is a lifesaver when I am sick by helping take care of her, he is attentive to her needs and wants, and on a daily basis he wins both of our hearts over and over and over again. I couldn't ask for a better partner in love or life or parenting. I'm counting down the days until I can marry this wonderful man!

Happy first Father's Day, darling. 

You are loved and so appreciated. 

Proverbs 20:5-7 The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water,but a man of understanding will draw it out. Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love,but a faithful man who can find? The righteous who walks in his integrity—blessed are his children after him! 

5 Min Fridays! Low blow, bro.

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, set, go!

I was stung by a yellow jacket today. Random, I know. It made me think of a memory many moons past. My little sistercuz, Allie, and I were building a fort in the words behind our house in Florida. Rustling in the woods, I felt a sharp pinch and saw the little stinger on my forearm. She asked me what was wrong and I just screamed for us to run. Some got caught in my hair and clothes which resulted in stings all over. I don't think we played in those woods for a long time after that. I shudder thinking about it even now. 

I can't be mad at them because I was in their territory. I stepped on their house. I stirred their peace. I entered their normalcy and created chaos. They didn't respond in the correct way but it was my mistake to begin with. I understand them. Their great great great great great great grand kid that got me today had no excuse. I didn't disturb him at all! He was in my warehouse and came up behind me and stung my back! Low blow, bro. 

On a happier note, this picture below captures some of my favorite things about today! My ring which proclaims my commitment and devotion to the one my soul loves, my necklace given to me by aforementioned fiancé for Mother's Day (so sweet!), my super shades that protect even my peripheral vision, and a Friday evening spent grilling burgers with my beautiful Sweetness and darling Mr. 

This weekend I will be intentional.

Intentional about making memories

Intentional about creating a culture of honor

Intentional about resting in the sweet Spirit of The Lord. 

Happy weekend!