A Quivering, Cowardly Shell of Myself

I'm having a hard time putting into words how I feel. I have been in a rut for a while now. This morning a dear friend sent me a post on trauma and grieving that you can find here. I would love if you could take the time to read the blog post because I definitely took something away from every point.

I had to re-read some of them and give myself permission to believe them. It's much easier for me to become irritated with emotions and tell myself to suck it up than to sit, wait and allow myself to process this change. I have to allow myself to come to the realization that there has been a change in my life. A change that I might be ok with today and completely NOT ok with tomorrow. Just like the quote I found today says, I have to be true to how I feel and speak with conviction.

I have to force myself to be around the people that I love instead of just going home and laying in bed like I want to do. I have to allow people to surround me who will let me be terrible. Because some days lately I have felt just plain terrible.

If you don't read the post, I have to highlight this point:

9.  Whatever doesn’t kill you …

In 2011, after a publically humiliating year, comedian Conan O’Brien gave students at Dartmouth College the following warning:

"Nietzsche famously said, 'Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.' … What he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.”

Odd things show up after a serious loss and creep into every corner of life: insatiable anxiety in places that used to bring you joy, detachment or frustration towards your closest companions, a deep distrust of love or presence or vulnerability.

There will be days when you feel like a quivering, cowardly shell of yourself, when despair yawns as a terrible chasm, when fear paralyzes any chance for pleasure. This is just a fight that has to be won, over and over and over again.

I hate #9 and it's truth. I've never been a particularly fearful person. I may have been careful, but for the most part if I didn't do something it was a calculated decision, not for lack of courage. But now I have this crippling fear and anxiety. There has been a lot of death in my life, both with friends and family. I'm not afraid to die. I have begged Jesus to come back quickly. I look forward to going to heaven and praising Him forever. I'm not afraid to die. What terrifies me is who I'm leaving behind. There is so much more that I can't even type here right now. I'm too overwhelmed. I'm sorry.

I can quote the scriptures. I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear. I know that He is for me, so who can be against me? My head remembers the word and I know that it's 100% true. So I just have to repeat it over and over and cling to it's truth. This will not kill me. I will come out stronger and love more deeply and appreciate life to it's fullest.

I so desire to be over this crap already. I can't help but see all the crisis in the world and become impatient with my own heart. But I hear a still small voice saying that this is just preparing me for my part in the crisis.

So I will be still and sit at the feet of my loving Abba.
And I will wait for Him to turn this aching in my soul into a burning fire that will spread His love.