I Have Nothing To Fear

In making some updates on another site this morning, I stumbled upon my old blog. I took some time to read through some of the posts. I allowed myself to hurt over those brokenhearted rants and smile with pride on the posts of seeking the joy of the Lord. I saw the process, the journey. I remembered it. Never do I want to experience it again but I'm glad that I have gone through it now. God has this way of breaking me down and letting me vent and then in His perfect timing raising me up stronger than before. 

When my dad died a short 12 days ago, I was a ball of confusion. People were asking me if I was okay, how I was feeling, if I needed anything; all things that are good and wonderful, of course! I had and still have several wonderful people genuinely interested in my life and what the state of my heart is. See, these people are world changers. They are strong believers who love the Lord and what the Lord is doing. They are my friends, my family, my community. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Looking back on the first week that my dad was gone, I have to shake me head a little. I felt trapped. I felt like I was supposed to burst into tears, but I couldn't. I felt like I was supposed to be sad or angry at God, but I wasn't. I felt like even though I said I was okay, no one believed me. Do I miss the possibility of a restored relationship with my dad? Yes. Does my heart break for the devastation that my grandparents feel over losing a child? Of course! But does it shake the foundation of the proven fact that God is good? Absolutely not. There was never a doubt in my mind. I know with every fiber in my being that He is good. And though I may grit my teeth and grieve, I will not question His character. 

One thing that my dad's death brought to surface was my skewed view of love. This is nothing new. You see, the devil isn't original. He will use the same pit that you first fell into to trip you up over and over again. He will claim you as an orphan and make you question the motives of those closest to you. He will create doubt in places that you have always been confident. This didn't manifest in a pitiful way of me laying in bed crying that nobody loved me. This manifested in a new way that I never would have expected: Fear.

I've never considered myself a fearful person. I don't remember a lot of the early years, but I remember my friends and little sister crawling in bed with me because they were scared. I remember being the one elected to kill the bugs, go into the craw space or attic, climb the tree to get the frizbee, or the dreaded task of cornering the evil cat Mittens (adoringly referred to as 'Lucy' or 'Lucifer' on occasion) in the laundry room to get the mouse trap off of her tail. (This really was a brave task because that cat had a purpose to kill and a taste for blood. Evil, pure evil.) If ever there was a moment that I was nervous or scared, I held my breath, focused my eyes and went for it.

Succumbing to fear and anxiety was a new thing. Before if I heard that someone was dealing with fear or issues with anxiety, it didn't hurt my heart like the wife dealing with neglect from her husband or the children abandoned to the Foster system. I was confident that my God could handle every situation, because He can. I would spout easy memory verses and tell them, "God's in control." It came from a purely innocent place, I promise. I just had never dealt with anything like that before, so I didn't understand it. Let me tell you something about fear. Fear and anxiety will overtake you like a swarm of bees, stinging and paralyzing you until you can't move. Anxiety overtakes your mind so that simple questions like what to eat for dinner are overwhelming. Fear attacks your dreams so that you can't ever find rest. It's debilitating. It's isolating because it creates scenarios that don't exist. It's irrational. And for someone who likes things to be analyzed and logical, it's terrifying. 

Through words and conversations with sweet friends, my quiet time, scripture, articles, sermons, and hearing from the Lord, I realized this simple truth: 

I wasn't afraid, because I had nothing worth living for. 

I am the first one to pray that Jesus comes quickly. Yes, Lord, please come quickly and take us home. I don't need a husband and a house and 2.5 kids with a white picket fence. Give me Jesus, more of Jesus. Please, take me home. 

Then I had Sweetness.

Isn't she just perfect? 

After having her and my marriage was still not good, my prayer changed, but only by a little. I prayed Jesus come quickly, and take us home. I don't need a husband and a house or any more kids with a white picket fence. Give us Jesus. Take us home. 

Without knowing it, my heart's cry changed from desperately yearning for only Him to yearning for Him with new conditions. Take us home, together, collectively. It was both of us together or none at all. Of course I wouldn't say it like that, but that's exactly what it was. You see, I know the Father's love for me. I have been down so many tearful, heart breaking roads or abandonment. Every time He has been there, walking with me, talking to me, guiding me, comforting me, reassuring me, pouring His love, mercy and acceptance in my life. It took several years and many failed attempts of finding love, to really fall in love with Jesus and accept His love for me. I am continually a work in progress, but I am no longer a sinner, but a saint saved by grace. I am loved, chosen, and accepted. So why would I be riddled with fear at the thought of leaving her alone?

I had to be reminded that God loved Ryot. Not in the watered down God loves everyone way, but in the same way that He created her for His glory. He took delight in painting her hair with golden hues, perfectly placing that adorable freckle on the end of her nose, fashioning her will to be strong and nearly unshakable, and designing her contagious giggle that would one day melt my heart. I got to be a part of that. I had the immeasurable honor of carrying and nourishing that precious miracle inside me for 37 1/2 weeks, but when she was born, she wasn't MINE. She is, was, and always has been HIS. She was created for a special and specific purpose that fits perfectly in God's masterpiece. She is not mine who I will leave behind alone if I die. She is His who will be nurtured, cared for, and loved beyond measure the same if I am here or gone. 

Growing up, I read and heard these verses over an over:

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; me soul knows it very well."

Psalm 139:13-14

This verse was monumental in seeing the Father's love for me while growing up and finding my identity. 

This verse now has taken a whole new meaning in that it is also for Ryot. Not from me to Ryot as a verse about how God loves us, but a verse written from God to Ryot for their own personal relationship. Oh, how I yearn for the day that Sweetness falls in love with Jesus. My heart aches for her to not only know and hear, but authentically experience the Father's love wrap around her in such a way that it frees her from the bond of anyone or anything else. 

I love my little girl. I love this crazy life I live, despite the sleepless nights, missed events, temper tantrums, or nasty sickness I have to deal with. She is worth it. Not only to me, but even more so to God. I will cherish the memories that I get to make with her. I will do my best to teach her about the love of the Father and His incredible purpose for her life that really has nothing to do with me. I will care for, and love her to the best of my ability for as long as I can. I am honored and delighted to do so. But if by some unexpected turn of events, I am not able to provide for her, God will continue to provide for and love her in a way that I will never be able to. 

It's all for Him. My life is all for Him. Her life is all for Him. My relationship with Mr. is all for Him. Our family dynamic is all for Him. His heart is for His people. Our hearts will be bent for the people as long as there is breath in our lungs because there is NOTHING more satisfying than being immersed in His presence. 

My beautiful and wise lifegroup leader said that she had to come to the point in her own life where she laid her daughter on the altar and gave her to God. Being engulfed in fear and anxiety my heart immediately began racing. But God, in His sweet and merciful way, has reminded me that I'm not leaving her on the altar to be abandoned. I'm releasing the grip and entrusting Him with a precious little girl that He loves, delights over, created, perfectly designed, and cherishes even more than I do. 

It's not a sacrifice, it's a safe. 

It's not abandonment, it's a loving Father who is asking me to let Him provide for her a full detail of protection instead of the wilting plastic sword in my hand. 

It's not driven by fear, but an overabundance of love. 

It's the perfect design of love.

I've heard this verse, but never have I been able to apply it to my life is such a complete way:

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because He first loved us."

1 John 4:18-19

Perfect love casts out fear. I know that not only am I chosen and cherished as a daughter, but my sweet little girl is chosen, cherished and protected by the God who loves her more than I could fathom. 

I have nothing to fear.