Take Me to the King

Lately I have been overtaken and overwhelmed with parenting. I have been feeling beaten down and just plain crummy about my shortcomings as a mom.

I don't think I spend enough time with her in general.
I'm don't feel like I'm doing a great job instilling a love for Jesus.
I don't feel like I'm as patient with her as I should be.
Not enough, not enough, not enough.

Then as I'm driving and praying this morning, I heard this portion of Laura Story's song "Blessings" on the radio this morning:
"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? What if trials of this life- the rain, the storms, the hardest nights- are your mercies in disguise?"

I have a love for Sweetness that overtakes me sometimes. I just look at her and my heart swells to the point that I fear it might actually explode. I know that I won't be able to give her all the love that she ultimately needs because what we thirst, crave, for is so much deeper of a love than I can fathom. It's a love that overlooks shortcomings and neglect. A love that forgives ALL sins and welcomes you home with open arms. A love that overcame the atrocity of the short span of time it took for people to welcome Jesus with palm leaves singing "Hosanna! Hosanna!" and then those same voices to shout "Crucify Him!".

As I meditate on this week some 2000 years ago, I am burdened with the grief of my sin and shortcomings. I just want to lay at His feet and gaze upon His glory. This is my song this morning:

"Take me to the King. I don't have much to bring.
My heart is torn in pieces. It's my offering!
Lay me at the throne; leave me there alone,
to gaze upon Your Glory and sing to You this song."
-Tamela Mann

Yet even as I'm singing, in His swift and gentle grace, He responded that what I have to offer is enough; who I am is enough. Who I am as a mother, as a person, is enough. Those sins are forgiven. Those shortcomings are covered in grace. If I was the perfect mom, Sweetness wouldn't need Jesus. I wouldn't dare rob her of the intimate love that she can find in relationship with Jesus, and I couldn't possibly steal the opportunity for my darling baby to give God the praises He deserves. I don't have all the answers. My life is different than everyone else's and my choices are going to be different than everyone else around me. As my set of gifts, talents, and brain waves combine with Sweetness' set of gifts, talents,and brain waves, we are going to clash sometimes. It's inevitable. We are so different- created this way on purpose as part of a master design- but one thing remains the same: God is good, loving and gracious all the time.

It is my job to love Jesus. To sit at His feet and weep and pour my heart to Him, but not to stay there. I have to then rise, put on the armor of the Spirit and determine to love people well. I have to seek Him and continually remind myself that this is NOT my home. I have to cherish His word and repeat His promises. I have to step into the role that was designed just for me. I have to teach Sweetness to seek God and guide her talents, abilities, and passions to the path that He has for her. I have to lead by example of pursuing God and fiercely obeying His voice. And to do that I have to be tender and aware of His Spirit around, waiting anxiously to hear His voice.

And I say I have to do these not because I'm forced against my will but because there is no happier or more peaceful place than to be right in the middle of His will, consumed by His Spirit's fire, and having uninterrupted communion with Him.

I was created to do this. I was created to worship. I was created exactly as I am and experienced what I experienced in my past to groom me and shape me to be exactly the mom that Sweetness needs. I will seek Him in my time of weakness and I will boldly walk in my strength not with arrogance but confidence in my Great God who is already doing and will continue to do great things in and through me.

So, still I sing, take me to the King.