"You are judging by appearances. If anyone is confident that they belong to Christ, they should consider again that we belong to Christ just as much as they do. So even if I boast somewhat freely about the authority the Lord gave us for building you up rather than tearing you down, I will not be ashamed of it. I do not want to seem to be trying to frighten you with my letters. For some say, “His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing.” Such people should realize that what we are in our letters when we are absent, we will be in our actions when we are present."
Oh the beauty of written word...
I have always had a problem with eye contact. I'm not 100% sure why. I have speculated about it over the years and the closest thing I can come to a conclusion has to do with insecurity. When I make eye contact it's not a problem of me looking at the other person but that they are looking at me. They say "eyes are the window to the soul" and I believe it. Now scientists have discovered that it really is true here. They say that the 'differences in the iris can be used as a biomarker that reflects differences between people.' Crazy, huh? You probably don't care to hear about that; It's just the nerd in me who is fascinated in those kinds of oddities.
I just make eye contact and I get anxious. Do I look ok? Do I have something on my face? What are they thinking? What are they feeling? Do they approve? What is their opinion?
Why do I place so much value on the opinions of the people I talk to? (And not so much their opinions of me but that they feel comfortable enough to share their opinions of a topic with me. I would say its a 50/50 struggle) I'm not 100% sure about that either. The only conclusion I could come up for that question is that I am real. I am honest. My life is an open book. Now there is something to say for common courtesy. I shouldn't have to say that but I'm putting the disclaimer out there. Just like in Mona Lisa Smile:
Betty Warren: "You don't believe in withholding, do you?
Katherine Watson: "No. I do, however, believe in manners. But for you, I'll make an exception."
Ask me a question and I'm not going to clam up and avoid it. I will tell you the truth. I will tell you what I believe, how I feel, what I think or what my experience has been. But somehow it never comes out as eloquently or fully formed as when I write. I feel like I am home when I'm writing. I feel like there are no judgements, no boundaries, no rules. Just as Paul says in the verse quoted above, I feel like "what we are in our letters when we are absent, we will be in our actions when we are present." I don't feel that I am a different person when I write, but merely a more communicative and accurate person. I have time to gather my thoughts - vent and erase if need be. I have time to figure out what it means to me instead of what sounds good.
When asked a question I don't know the answer to, I am honest and say "I don't know." Sometimes I feel retarded that I don't know. I don't like feeling stupid. When faced with the same situation with writing, I can research (I LOVE research), find out the answers I'm looking for and then learn and share my new knowledge. I have time to see what other people think about a specific topic and form my own opinions. I have the opportunity to just be and feel exactly as I want to in that moment without anyone staring at me waiting for an answer.
I have always been labeled a people person. I have been told and often relay to others that I have "never met a stranger". I think it's true. I meet someone and just love them - for who they are, for who they aren't, for their different views or for the same, for their style or complete lack thereof, for their unique ability of being the only person who is exactly them. I am the only me. They are the only them. That is something unique and special in and of itself.
I will continue to try to be as strong, straightforward and eloquent as I try to be when I write. And I will try to continue not only being the only me in the world, but being proud that I am the only me in the world. I am here for a bigger purpose, a higher calling than my little world.
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