Here I lay my longing

Her tiny hands folded in mine. The way she gently brushes her hair back from her face. Her long eye lashes resting so softly while she sleeps. The way her lips curl around her straw to drink her morning chocolate milk. He perfectly pink lips. The way her eyes light up when she gets excited. Her sweet, sweet voice singing a song. The way she always wants to help. Her fabulous fashion sense. The way she twirls and dances to every song she hears. Her cuddles. The way she prays. Her pitiful pouty lip. The sad way her tears caress her cheeks. 

My heart can't contain the love I have for this tiny miracle of mine. I never tire of studying her. She is so precious. So cherished. So loved. And she has no idea the depth of that love. I loved her before she even came to be. Now that she is mine that love is multiplied into a breathtaking battle of heartbreak and overflowing joy. Heartbreak as I fail so often and overflowing joy at the gift that I have received so undeserved. Yet I call her mine. What is this blessed life I live?

The future is so unpredictable and the present is not easily tamed, so how can I be sad for something that may still come to be? I can't explain it, but I feel a sadness in my bones. The longing of life to grow in me again. The deep-seeded desire to nurture another miracle never goes away. Ever since I can remember, this love for my babies was instilled in me. It's an uncontrollable fiery love of sorts. It's like trying to frame a puzzle with a very important piece missing. It's not a core of who I am or my identity, but it is a piece of me that can not be separated.

I wrestle with myself every moment of every day. It can't be an ungratefulness for the life I have already been given because I am undoubtedly in love with my little girl. She will always be my baby, my first. We share a story that no other child will; a story of survival and great redemption. My heart just longs for more. I know there is another child for our family. I can't imagine having these desires for the sake of being disappointed. 

There are so many people around me giving life in this way. Those close to me, and those I barely know are making announcements left and right. I am beyond excited for them, however, accompanied with each announcement and update, I can't help but feel a twinge of longing. 

Through the longing and the rejoicing, I will still say that God is good.

Through the unknowing, I will still rejoice. 

Through the irritation at what seems like a broken vessel, I will trust that God's timing is perfect. 

The world says that I'm defective. They wrap up my symptoms in a little box and label me PCOS.

But the word, the truth and the Life says that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. My Father says that there is no flaw in me. 

Giving up stems from failure, and produces grief and bitterness.

Submission stems from trust, and produces peace and joy.

So I will trust His timing and lay my longing at His feet, however much it hurts.