Eight Things

Eight things I want to say to Eight different people right now.

1. Momma, I miss you. At least I think I miss you. I guess I just miss my 8 year old picture of who you were. I miss the memories that we never made. But I'm not even sure we would have ever made them at all. I love you. I loved you before you died too. I'm doing really well. I have a handsome husband who is loving, kind-hearted, hard-working, hilarious, intelligent, wise, and would protect me at any cost. He's wonderful, mom. He makes me laugh and smile everyday. And I know that no matter how many arguments we have, he will always be there. I also have a beautiful little girl. She is so full of life and joy and spunk! She is sometimes a little too spicy for my sanity, but I wouldn't have it any other way. She is going to change the world some day. I wish that you could meet my family. I don't know if you cared whether I was taken care of or not, but I am. And even beyond that, I'm just plain happy. I forgive you, and I'm so very sorry that you felt hopeless. I wish that I could have done something to help you see the beauty and purpose of this life. I'm so sorry.

2. Dad, I miss you. I miss the times you chose to be an active dad in my life. I miss watching war movies, that I probably shouldn't have been watching at my age, and eating dark chocolate until WAY past my bed time with you. I miss our dog Abby. There are so many things I could have done differently while you were still alive. I missed a lot of opportunities. I was angry, and hurt, and confused. I felt like I shouldn't have been put in the position that I was in with having to be the one pursuing a relationship with you. You should have pursued me. You should have been the one who poured encouragement and love into me. But I'm not angry. I forgive you. I'm sorry for the times I made it difficult to love me. I'm not sure you ever wanted to be a dad. I imagine it would be a hard place to be: loving a child you never intended to have. Especially after your relationship with mom ended. Growing up I'll admit that I didn't see the big picture. Now that I have my sweet girl and have been through my share of twists and turns, I understand more of your position. I don't agree with a lot of your decisions, and I don't understand most of them, but I forgive you, I love you, and I do miss you. When I think of you, I have fond memories of when we were having fun together. I wish that we could make more memories and that you could be a part of my daughter and husband's lives as well. But if you were alive now, I'm not sure that anything would have changed, short of a miracle.

3. Jacob, my favorite. I love you. I love that you put up with my quirkiness and strange antics. I love the security that I have in you; I know you took your vow seriously to stand by my side and I don't take that lightly. You are my rock. You are the person that I want to talk to when I get excited. You are the person I want to be with when I'm feeling sad, even if I don't disclose everything that's going on in my busy mind. You are the one that I want to know, and in return know me inside and out, and I've never had that before. I want you to know that I trust you, I value your opinion more than you probably realize, and I respect you for who you are and who you are capable of becoming. You are fascinating through and through. The way your mind works is truly intriguing. I want to learn you more so that I can help support you better, and just because I want to know more about you. I tease you about your ambitions sometimes, but I wholeheartedly believe that you could be successful at anything you tried your hand at. You just have to have the confidence to step out there and try it. If you don't have the confidence yourself, I'm hear to back you up. I know that you can do it. You constantly exceed the expectations of others and never give yourself credit for it. You are so loved, so cherished, and so masterfully created to be the best. 143.

4. Ryot, my little love, my first born, my Sweetness. You are so precious. You were earnestly prayed for, wanted, and have continued to be a dearly beloved member of our family. I can't imagine life without you. You are always on my mind and I talk about you probably more than other people care to hear. I really don't mind those toys on the floor or the smudges on the counter. I love being woken up by you in the morning, just preferably not with pain. Hearing your squeaky voice in the morning asking for chocolate milk and a show is my perfect wake up call. Seeing you sad, mad, or sick breaks my heart every time. I want you to have everything that you need and want, but I also desperately want you to know that ALL you need it Jesus. He loves you so much, and will continue to be your Rock when the world fails you. I have failed you often, especially during my single mom days. I was so stressed and so sad when you were a baby. I never meant to allow that to effect your life in any way. I pray that you wont remember it and have only good memories instead. You deserve the world, my angel. I will spend the rest of my life praying for you, sharing with you, encouraging you, and desperately trying to help you see how much you are loved and appreciated and how much you are worth in Jesus. You are a precious jewel, a diamond, a irreplaceable gem. You are precious, beautiful, and one of my best friends. I love you, sweet girl.

5. To highschool in general, I hated you. I abhorred your existence from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until I laid them to rest at night. The ill-fitting clothes, the messy buns with no make-up, never fitting in socially, barely succeeding with my grades, and just the awkwardness of it all was enough to cry myself to sleep most nights. Apart from the bliss I felt while playing sports, I couldn't get away from you fast enough. I learned a lot from you. I learned that if I just kept my mouth shut, I could slip into the background and not be picked on so much. I learned to hate the way I looked. I learned to be scared of people with confidence. I learned that in order to be happy, I had to have money and popular friends. I learned that my emotions and ideas were automatically invalidated because I was not an adult. I learned a lot of things that I have had to un-learn over the years. The only thing of value that highschool taught me was how to press through when feeling severely outnumbered and overwhelmed. Thank you for that. I now have an idea of what to look out for when my children go to highschool. I have the invaluable experience and testimony for other kids having a rough time in that same dreadful place I was: Highschool ends. You move on and lose a bunch of those friends/bullies. Life gets 100% better because you are in charge of it. Press on, work hard, hold your head up. Highschool is not a picture of real life. Highschool, you were awful and I don't miss you.

6. To College, um, hello again. Let's not talk about this period of my life. I haven't missed you much either. But it wasn't entirely your fault. I'm glad that we were able to shake hands and then move on with our lives. You, educating people all over the world, and me not thinking about you at all. Thanks for the friendships, experiences, and for now being in the past. Let's not stay in touch, okay?

7. My Future babies. Hi there, little darlings. We haven't met yet, but I already love you. I pray for you daily, is that weird? If you think so, prepare yourself for a weird momma because that's not the only odd thing I do. We are going to have grand adventures. I have so much to show you about this world; so much to teach you. Ryot talks about you often. She wants a baby brother one day and a baby sister the next. I think she just wants a best friend, whatever you come out to be. I'm ready for her to have a playmate as well. You are so blessed and cherished, little angels. I am eagerly awaiting your arrival so that I can kiss your sweet cheeks and sing to you how much Jesus loves you. Come soon, please. I miss you very much.

8. To my readers, hello there. Have you stuck out this blog post this far? Well, thank you. Writing brings me immense joy, and I'm so honored that you would take time out of your busy wonderful life to read what I have to say. I wish that I knew the faces behind the little pageview counter that ticks away. I wish we could meet and have coffee and talk face to face, but this computer screen will have to do for now. However stagnant, there is something enticing about being behind this screen though, ya know? It's comfortable, and as I'm writing I'm imagining all of the places that you could be while reading this. Are you at work? Or maybe reheating your coffee for the second time as your kids play around you? Or sitting on a bench at a ballet or karate session? Or maybe you are reading this before bed at night? Or while your little one naps? Whatever it is you are doing, thank you for reading. And most importantly I want you to know that Jesus loves you. You, who is reading this. He created you to be exactly as you are and loves you more than you can imagine. He actually can't possibly love you any more than He does right now. Merit can't earn any more of it, and mistakes can't take any of it away. You are stuck in the torrent of undeserved, overwhelming, freeing love that was bought with the price of a perfect man's life. Jesus died for you. Not to hold it over your head, but to give you hope, power, and unconditional love. That is my message for you. You are chosen and pursued. You are forever loved.