What makes you come alive?

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Gill Bailie

What makes me come alive?

That ding of a text message, notification from my email, buzz of an incoming call, knock on the door, comment on a blog or post, picking people's brains, hearing their opinions, getting their version of the story, hearing their vision for the future, laughing with my lifegroup, vulnerability, open conversation, trust.
I love to write and I love when people read what I write. I love to hear people's opinion, their stories that are similar or different to mine, and their experiences that have changed them. I love to be connected and intertwined with my friends and family.

Community. That's what makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

It's like I've known him forever. Like he was made for me and I was fashioned for him. There is not much I have been more sure about than my decision to marry Jacob. His laugh when he thinks something is really funny, the way his eyes light up when he sees me, the gentle way he holds Sweetness when she is sleepy, how he provides for us without even thinking about it, his desire to lead our family whole-heartedly after God, those are the things that make me fall more in love with him everyday.

I knew in 7 days that I wanted to marry Jacob. And the thought of possibly having the next 70 years to share with him makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

I'm drawn to a memory of my hand interlaced between the little fingers of my daughter, her head on my chest, and her cute little giggle and whisper of repeating the words I'm saying while praying. Hearing her say thank you to Jesus and telling Him that we love Him is so precious for my soul even if she is just repeating them. I know that by merely saying those words, seeds are being planted of His goodness in her heart, which is the sweetest thing that could she could have.

My little girl talking to Jesus and hearing of His goodness, faithfulness, and love for her and me getting the incredible opportunity to be a part of that as we make memories throughout the years makes me come alive.

What makes me come alive?

I smile and laugh out loud as I think about the roar of sweet melodies and harmonies accompanied by lifted hands in worship. My community, my friends, my family all praising God with open hearts. Some praying, some crying, some laughing, some on their knees begging for God to invade and fall afresh on us as Jeremy Riddle's song says:

Awaken my soul, come awake
To hunger, to seek, to thirst
Awaken first love, come awake
And do as You did at first

Spirit of the Living God come fall afresh on me
come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul
Pour in me to overflow,
to overflow

Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade

Praise and worship to our worthy, merciful, just, perfect, and loving King.
That makes me come alive.

What makes you come alive? Go do that.

Warped Warfare

I've always been in awe of Paul preaching the gospel from prison. It's hard to fathom Philippians 1:12-18. In my Southern Baptist Christian American bubble, I always thought that kind of faith was something in the past. They were closer to Jesus, or connected with Him more somehow. I didn't see people have that kind of joy and resolve in tough situations in the regular life I knew. Instead, I saw people complain about their weight or get their feelings hurt too easily over something dumb. It was only during my alone time with God that I would have moments of clarity. My dad leaving, my mom dying, being uprooted and moved to a new family, being separated from my siblings - yet, I believed Jesus came to die for me and all the evil in the world. I believed that the Bible was true, and the Bible said that God was, is, and will always be good.

People told me that God loved me.
I was told that He has a purpose in all things.
But  the picture that had been painted for me of God's character was more of a happy grandpa who knew nothing of the real world. I didn't see the connection between the powerful and Sovereign God of Paul to the nice and happy God that we sang to on Sunday morning.

I wish I knew then what I know now.
The devil's main scheme is to anchor denial, doubt, fear, and lies into your soul. It is my responsibility to use the victory that has already been one to combat every flaming arrow that comes my way. EVERY flaming arrow. I don't have to be persecuted in a foreign country or in prison. I can just be missing my mom one day on a Saturday afternoon and the enemy will creep in like a nasty black smoke to plant seeds of anger, discontentment, sadness, and ultimately doubt that God does care about me.

I wish that someone would have told me this. I knew then as much as I know now that God is real. That wasn't an issue for me. I could study the intricacy of the human body, and see the beautiful creation all around me and just feel His presence. The sun shining down on me would literally feel like His Spirit soaking into my very bones. I knew He was real. The doubt was not planted of His existence, no, but a far more cruel thought. He existed, but He didn't care about me. He had forgotten or made a mistake. Why was I even here if all of that was going to happen to me? Did he not care that I cry myself to sleep? I couldn't measure up to what people were asking of me. I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or good enough. Why did I even exist? Was I some botched experiment that went wrong?

I know now that even typing those words out aches in God's heart. I remember a moment that really changed my life was hearing Matthew West's song "More".

I love you more than the sun and the stars
That I taught how to shine,
You are mine and you shine for me too.
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow I'll say it again and again
I love you more.

Typing the lyrics out from memory still puts a lump in my throat. When the arrows being fired were more than I could combat, God got to me. When I didn't even know how to call out for help, He fought on my behalf. When I was sinking in the waves of the storm, He called out to me to keep my eyes on Him.

The enemy planted seeds of hatred, adultery, and all other types of mistrust in my parent's marriage so that they split when I was young.
The enemy crowded my mom's thoughts and allowed her to make one of the most detrimental decisions a human can make.
The enemy crept into my heart and set up traps on every holiday and even several normal days.
Lies. All lies.

Can I miss my dad and mom and the relationships I could have had with them? Yes. I believe that the Lord grieves with me over what evil has done. But wallow in that grief and let it overtake thoughts of who I am? Absolutely not!

I wish I had known that I could use my circumstances to show God's goodness. I wish I had known that I would have the incredible opportunity to share His love and kindness to people who were in the same boat as me. I wish I knew that it wasn't just something that I had to bear with me and accept the "it's just God's will" statement for the rest of my life. All of my life I have heard people tell me, "It's ok to not be ok." But do they know that it's ok to be ok during the storm too? Why has it become so uncommon for us to have peace when the Author of Peace lives inside of us? Doesn't that seem backwards? 

So I can't do anything else but to beg you not to water down the gospel for other's who are hurting. Let them hurt, yes. They are allowed to grieve. But it hurts worse to have no purpose in pain than to know that God has won the victory over EVERY kind of darkness and there is a way to use this for His glory. We don't have to be sitting targets for martyrdom. We are called to continuously be ready to combat the enemy. We don't only have a shield, we have a sword. We are to fight. We are to deny the enemies claims over our friends and relatives.

I don't have all of the answers for why something specific happens, except that the enemy is actively working to warp your mind and draw you away from the only thing that is truly 100% good for you - a relationship with Jesus.

Don't let that happen.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete."
2 Corinthians 10:4-6

Now is hard, but now is perfect.

I might be the multitasking queen.
I might be just losing my mind trying to juggle it all.
I might be crazy to take on so much.
I might secretly love the challenge of the chaos.
I might be crazy in love.

Scratch that 'might'. I definitely am.
Crazy in love with Ryot and her beautiful long eyelashes and perfect little hands.
Crazy in love with Jacob and the way he makes me laugh.
Crazy in love with all of my friends and family who are stepping in to make me feel like a million bucks during this crazy wedding season.
Crazy in love with my precious Abba who chases after me when I don't even know which way is up.

Soon, some of the trees will be oranges, reds, and browns and the wind will be refreshing. The leaves will crackle under our feet as we run our errands and visit with family.
Soon, some of the days on my calendar will be empty and I will miss the chaos of going here and there. But this also means that introverted Mr. and daughter will jointly have a pleasant sigh of relief as they revel in the thought of an evening at home.
Soon, it will be Christmas, my favorite time of the year, and I will get to celebrate the birth of Jesus and make memories with my Mr. and Sweetness and Gracie as one family under one roof.
Soon my little sister will be saying "I do" just as I would have recently done and I know I will be crying as all the memories play through my head.

So for now I will run with the wild things, chase my errands, and laugh as everything is somehow crazily being sorted into it's proper place and timing.

I've never been a fan of being in between things, but this time is so sweet and precious to me. There is so much I'm looking forward to, and there is so much I've been through that makes me so grateful for where I am now.

Today is busy. Today is hard. But today is all I've got right now. So I will not wish today away. I will smile and cherish every moment.

Every Single Day

I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of when I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory's yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You're not far from home
-"Out Of Hiding", Steffany Gretzinger

Even typing those lyrics out wrecks me so much. I listen to this album every day. Every. Single Day. This is not an exaggeration. I wake up craving my Bible, journal, cup of coffee and this album playing as all of my walls come crashing down.

I feel He is near and then He gently knocks on one of my doors and asks, "Can I come in?"
"Are you sure you want to?" is the first thing that pops in my mind.
Coming in here is messy. It's chaotic. Sometimes it's not fun. Sometimes it's exhausting.
I find myself doubting. Surely not me, Lord. You want me?
You saw me in all my unbelief and junk and still chose me?

Yes.
So simple.
So huge.
Yes. He chose me.
So I am humbled, honored, and truly beside myself to say I choose Him to. Every. Single. Day.

Thieves don't wear flashing neon signs

God is big. Bigger than you could ever imagine; full of extravagant love, immeasurable patience, perfect justice, overflowing mercy, and incalculable wisdom and knowledge. 

We've heard these things or read them. We know. We might smile reading them, offer up a thank you to Him, or declare them over the mountain we are currently battling. But do we really know deep in our soul? Is it written on our heart?

We stress about our finances, relationships, hardships, or illnesses. Sometimes we get our priorities out of whack. That's normal; human, right? Most Christians won't flat out say, "God can't handle this." But our actions, fear, anxiety, and lack of faith speak even louder. 

The problem is that we are slightly underestimating our enemy and grossly underestimating our Great Victor. What we don't realize is that Satan isn't more powerful than God, but he is sneaky. Most of the time he isn't going to appear on the road and slash a hole in your tire while you are on the way to church. John 10:10a says, "The thief comes only to steal kill and destroy." Of all the stories I've read, thieves tend to break in when no one is home. They steal when no one is looking. They are mischievous, quiet, and typically appear when you least expect it. And we somehow expect Satan, the leader of the thieves, to walk in wearing a flashing neon sign that says, "I'm here to steal your joy"? I hate to break it to you, but that's not how it works at all. 

He creeps in like a silent black smoke. He enters a conversation with your husband and makes you argue over something stupid. He clouds your vision of the beauty that is already in you. He whispers lies; the same lies that you thought you had already gotten over. He makes you assume the worst. He clouds your judgement. He plays stretches your patience. He makes sin look enticing and fun. He makes you sleepy when you should be paying attention. He is responsible for "waking up on the wrong side of the bed."*

*side note: That's not actually a thing. You know that, right? Being happy is a choice. The bed has nothing to do with you being a jerk to your barista before you get your coffee fix. 

**side side note: I'm not speaking for clinical depression or any other imbalance that needs medication or medical attention. I'm speaking for the people who just don't want to act right in the morning.

The only reason acceptable is that you didn't realize the enemy creeping in to steal your joy and purpose. 

We don't need to pray, "God, help me be strong." The same strength that raised Jesus from the dead lives in you. A miracle of raising to life after being dead for three days doesn't cut it? What more strength could you possibly be looking for? 

Instead I pray, God, help me to see. Help me to feel. Help me to discern what is true. Help me to realize the potential and power I have with your full artillery in my support. Help me to remember the victory is already won. Help me to give a good testimony of your greatness by your grace no matter what is in front of me. 

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

The crap that happens on this earth is not the only thing life is about. What matters is that all people get to taste and see the goodness of the Lord. (Psalm 34:8) He is good. He is always good. Relationship with Him is sweet and my most precious possession. Anything that is not good does not originate from His character. There is grave evil in the world; sneaky smoke that creeps in to destroy everything that Jesus died to save and set free.

We are human. We get to make decisions. That is the freedom that has so graciously been given to us. We get to choose to love. We get to choose to harness the power inside of us to change the world. We get to silence the foe and avenger (Psalm 8:2). Along with that, we also get to discern that any thing that in it's current state of not bringing glory to God is not permanent; but a distraction and lie from the enemy. It is actually our next opportunity to change what was meant for evil to be used for good to the glory of the Great King. (Genesis 50:20)

Stop letting the enemy steal your joy! When you feel that creep of impatience, discontentment, unrest, ungratefulness, complaining, abandonment, rejection, mistrust, anxiety, or anything other than what is perfect and meant for our good, you have to call that smoke for what it is. Because in that moment, God hasn't left. He is still there. The enemy has been doing a great job convincing you that you don't have the victory, but you do. He was already defeated on the cross. You have the power. And this is your opportunity to shine. 

Have you ever thought of it that way? That obstacle is an opportunity for you to show off God's power. That conversation is an opportunity for you to show the unconditional love of God. That moment with your children is an opportunity to give them a glimpse of His character. That irritation with your spouse is an opportunity to practice selflessly giving love and acceptance to others whether they deserve it or whether they even will accept it. 

This is our responsibility. Not a forced chore that we have to be burdened with. But an honor to defend the name and character of our Great God and reclaim what the thief has been stealing!

That's worth smiling about

I hear you saying

You don't have to do a thing

Just simply be with me 

and let those things go

'Cause they can wait another minute

Wait, this moment is too sweet

Would you please stay here with me 

And love on me a little longer

Just letting these words resonate deep in my soul this evening. Sometimes it's hard to understand that the perfect, wonderful, all-powerful, all-knowing God wants to just sit with me and love on me. I know full well all my sins, my attitude problems, my over-analytical mistrust, my independence, my self-satisfying drive, my quirks.  His love is magnified an incalculable amount compared to my love for anything else. That is the good stuff. The meat and potatoes. The brightest color. The most valuable treasure.

I don't have to measure up to whatever scale that society or I have created for myself.
I don't have to do a thing.
That is a beautiful thing worth smiling about. 

Because He delights to answer

"Because I said so" has come out of my mouth a couple times. Ok, more than a couple times. I admit that I sometimes don't have the patience or time to explain things to my 3 year old. Sometimes I do have the time to tell her that if she drinks a second cup of chocolate milk her stomach will hurt really bad and half the time I still get the response "I want it". This means even though I did take the time to explain, my answer is still "No, because I said so." It's how things are right now, because she is 3.

As she grows older and understands more, she will be able to make more informed decisions on her own. She will get the chance to experience what consequences of actions feel like when they aren't all mom's fault. She will also get to the point of shifting the scale from mostly selfish decisions to seeing the bigger picture. The thing is, I love saying yes. I love to tell Sweetness that she can have "brown milk" or that she can watch that movie or that we can go to the park. Sometimes I love to surprise her with special outings that she didn't even ask for. Because I love to bless her. Because she is mine. Because I love her.

My favorite times to say yes are when she is asking for things that aren't merely things. These are my favorite things to say yes to.
I want a hug-- YES I will huge you so tight that you squeak!
I want a kiss.-- YES I will kiss you all over until you are sick of it!
I want you to lay down 'bout me.-- YES I will lay with you and play with your hair.
I want to sit in your yap.-- YES you can always sit in my lap and cuddle.

Yes. Every time, yes.
I don't think I could love her more. I have tried. I can't.
She is absolutely perfect. She is not perfect.
She has flaws and attitude problems.
Sometimes she is too strong-willed.
Sometimes she throws fits in public places or growls at strangers in the parking lot.
Sometimes she just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and is mean for no reason.
She is not perfect in deed, but she is perfect from the freckle on the end of her nose all the way to her feet that are about 2 sizes bigger than everyone else her age.

So I delight to say yes.

If I delight to say yes, how much more would God want to give us what we are asking for?

In 2 Chronicles 1 God tells Solomon, "Ask what I shall give you." He essentially asks Solomon for his Christmas list. The immeasurable, limitless, all-powerful God asked Solomon not just "what do you want" but "what shall I give you?". Dear sweet Solomon replies, "You have shown great and steadfast love to David my father, and have made me king in his place. O Lord God, let your word to David my father be now fulfilled, for you have made me king over a people as numerous as the dust of the earth. Give me now wisdom and knowledge to go out and come in before this people, for who can govern this people of yours, which is so great?" God answered Solomon, "Because this was in your heart, and you have not asked for possessions, wealth, honor, or the life of those who hate you, and have not even asked for long life, but have asked for wisdom and knowledge for yourself that you may govern my people over whom I have made you king, wisdom and knowledge are granted to you."

Solomon asked, and God answered. But God didn't stop there. It delighted God to give Solomon more than he was asking for. God kept speaking and said, "I will also give you riches, possessions, and honor, such as none of the kings had who were before you, and none after you shall have the like." Not only is God giving Solomon what he is asking for, but more than he probably even thought to ask for.

God answered because He delights to answer.

I shall be satisfied with your likeness

Psalm 17:15 As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.

I fell upon this verse this morning and it touched my heart. I love this verse, truly. It appeases my morning person, optimistic personality. This morning when I woke up, I was tired but happy. I slept about 5.5 hours in a ridiculously comfy bed with my little girl cuddled next to me. Divine, really. This season of life has been busy with wedding planning, honeymoon planning, new living structure planning, packing, searching for new daycares, Antioch Training School with my wonderful church which includes about 4 brainfulls of reading, several outreach trips, and regularly scheduled meetings, and regular life in general. Immediately, I started thinking about my to do list, what I was going to wear, and what Jacob and I were going to do this evening: pack. (I don't know if he knows that yet, so shhhhhh)

Most mornings for me are the same. I love them. New beginnings, fresh starts, sunrises, COFFEE. Oh, yes, that sweet heavenly aroma of liquid gold. Even when I was a kid I would wake up ready to go. Through the high school years, I would rather my friends wake up early to go to the beach than stay out partying or watching a movie. You see, when the sun goes to bed, I should be in pajamas. That's just how the world should spin. If by chance I'm not in pajamas, I might fall asleep anyway. Just warning you.

The morning time is a time of refreshment, rejuvenation, excitement for the day; all wonderful things, but sometimes life isn't all wonderful things. David was the perfect example of how life wasn't always riches and rejoicing. I never post a verse without looking at the context so of course I scrolled up on the page of my Bible.is app (you should check it out!) Just a few sentences back you see a desperate plea from David for God to answer his prayer. David didn't wake up like Cinderella and have the birds and forest animals gather his clothes while he whistled a catchy tune. Instead, he cries out in desperation, "Hear a just cause, O Lord; attend to my cry! Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit! From your presence let my vindication come! Let your eyes behold the right!" (verse 1-2) He was not spewing rainbows and butterflies like he does in other Psalms. He was heartbroken, fearful, and in anguish for the Lord to hear His cry. He wanted justice.

Justice is not a bad thing to desire. Part of God's character is to be just. Psalm 37:28 "For the Lord loves justice; He will not forsake His saints. They are preserved forever, but the children of the wicked shall be cut off." He will take vengeance in His hand and spread justice and mercy in their due time. But what I have been learning and dwelling on for the past several months is that God is more of a BE God than a DO God. Who doesn't love to spoil children? I would love to give Sweetness everything that she wants, but more than spoiling her, I just want to be with her. This is how God looks at you. Don't roll your eyes or skim over this part, because it's true. Let it sink in and marinate in your bones. It's not merely a surface love that greets you and departs. It's a best friend that says He is NOT hanging up the phone until you are laughing again. He is NOT leaving you. Ever. He is there with you while you scream into your pillow. He is there watching those chick flicks crying with you after that breakup. He is there when you lost your job and that pit sunk to the bottom of your stomach. He is there when you are so exhausted from being up all night with a crying baby. He wants to be there. He wants you to cry out to Him because He cares about every little detail in your life.

Much like I would ask Sweetness about her day, He wants us to bear all and open ourselves to Him. And only when we open ourselves to sitting and just plain being in His presence will we get to experience the amazing transformation like David did in this Psalm; from "Hear my cry!" in verse 1 to "when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness" in verse 15.

It is possible. It's there for the taking. And it is better than any other candy-coated message of prosperity you could receive. In Max Lucado's book Just Like Jesus, he said, "God loves you just the way you are; but He refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be just like Jesus." God genuinely loves everything about you and where you are in life. What do best friends do when times get tough? They don't just deliver the message you want to hear. They get down in the trenches with you. God doesn't want your attenuated surface response of a simple "I'm fine". He wants to hear of your cry of desperation. John Dawson in his teaching on the Father Heart of God says that, and I'm paraphrasing, when your child gets dirty, you don't reject the child, you reject the mud. You wipe the mud off and you still love the child underneath. So God will step into the mud with you, pull you out, and lovingly wipe away the mud that clouds the beauty of His most beloved creation: YOU.

So this morning, with a smile on my face, I sing

In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
Give me Jesus!

And I sing this because the powerful, merciful, just, all-knowing Father, hears my cry, sees all my faults, and still chooses to call out the truth and love me the same. "I shall be satisfied with your likeness."

Love Period

I wasn't planning on writing about this. Honestly, when I opened Facebook today, I was dreading that my Facebook feed would still be stories, pictures, and quotes about Robin Williams. I don't say that to be disrespectful at all. He was a hilariously talented man. I am deeply saddened that he felt it necessary to end his life. But there is nothing that I can do about it, so I don't want to keep looking at sad things. Then I saw Matt Walsh's blog post. Then the article about his blog post. Then the blog post in response to all of the critical hate mail he has received. I saw posts from my friends saying that they agreed or disagreed with Matt for whatever reason. So I decided to check it out.

Usually, I agree with Matt. He writes truth. He isn't always as compassionate and loving as I would like him to be, but nevertheless, he does speak truth. In the article titled, "Robin Williams didn't die from a disease, he died from his choice", he is more compassionate than I have ever read and urges people that there is joy and hope. I read both the blog posts that he wrote and some of the responses and articles written about his blog posts.

Honestly, I can't agree with him more. 

In his response blog post titled, "Depression isn't a choice but suicide is: my detailed response to critics", Matt says, "Actually, it seems that for a cancer patient we are more willing to tell them to fight, we are more willing to speak of the power of prayer, and we are more willing to talk about their choices, then we are with depression and suicide. How can this be? We say of the cancer survivor that she beat cancer. But if we use this kind of language with depression and suicide, suddenly we are heinous monsters. How does this make any sense?" and I echo his question, How does this make any sense? I know that depression is hard to talk about. I know that depressed people are not always the nicest. But this is precious, precious life being dangled over the edge of death. He says that if you knew someone that was about to jump from a ledge, you would shout for them to come down. You wouldn't just stand there silently and accept that it's just their fate to die. But we don't do that with depression. If anything, I think we enable it. And I agree whole-heartedly that all of this "glowing" talk about him being free is detrimental to society. What is keeping a hurting, broken, sad, hopeless person from entering this "free land" void of all pain where they can be happy again? It's so scary, and not at all what we need to be telling the people who are obviously not of a clear mind.

I can't give clinical statistics or detailed medical analysis of depression or mental disorders. But I can tell you what suicide does to a family. I know firsthand what the effects of suicide are. First, my mom's boyfriend, and shortly after, my mom herself. So before I'm blasted for not understanding any part of it, I can tell you I know what both suicide and depression feels like. I've never taken medication for depression and I've never been seriously suicidal myself. Why? Because I saw the ripple effect that my mom's decision had on the people around her and vowed to never do that to another person. I remember looking around at my mom's funeral and not knowing 3/4 of the people. I remember still being in shock. At times I wonder if my mom knew that all of the people that came to her funeral loved her or at least cared enough to show up. If they did care, and they told her, did she believe them or even care? Did it resonate with her at all? I will never know. My mom was clearly depressed, overwhelmed and not thinking clearly. I had only just turned 8, so I wasn't aware of the darkest places of her soul. What I knew in my 8 yr old brain was that she was sad, tired all the time, and very often sick. I thought it was normal. But it's not normal and it's not permanent.

I was still naive and didn't understand the deep sadness of depression until she took her life. I agree with Matt that hope, love, and joy can not coexist with the darkness that is depression. I won't go into the details of the effects it had on me in this blog post, but it definitely influenced every part of my life. It completely changed my worldview and I understood depression every minute of every day. It was only when I was bombarded by love that I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. And slowly but surely through the years, God has been so gracious to put people in my life to be mom's, dad's, sister's, brother's, and friend's; none of course replaced my mom, but they have all been incredibly influential pieces of my puzzle, whether blood related or not.

It was love. All the while, it was only love that could infiltrate the darkness.
Love is the answer. Love is the hope. Love is the cure. Love creates joy.

Am I telling people to stop taking medication or seeking medical attention? Of course not! I agree with Matt that depression is every bit spiritual as it is physical. Depression needs to be tended to carefully. I just can't help but speak up for love. We see all of the posts and kind words towards Robin Williams, but I wonder if he knew that he was that influential while he was alive? If we got in the trenches with our relatives and friends who are battling depression, dug into the deep dark places, and watered those bitter roots with love, light, and joy, I can't possibly fathom that it wouldn't make a difference.

Suicide is not freedom. There is hope. Talk to me. Talk to someone. Encourage others to talk about it.

There is love, hope, and joy available for you, for everyone.

Love is all. Period.

Dear QA: Concerned safe driver

Dear Question Answerer,

I like to listen to Christian music in the car. It instantly brightens my mood and helps to give perspective to the stresses of my day. But then I start to worship and all I want to do is close my eyes and lift my hands. Should I not listen to Christian music? Or maybe just trust Jesus to drive the car?

Sincerely,

Concerned safe driver

Dear concerned safe driver, 

That is a great question. Worship is an integral part of life so I can't advise you to stop worshipping. However, driving safe is of the utmost importance, so I have a solution for you! Worship all the time. Worship when you wake up in the morning, bless his name while you are getting ready, sing to him in the car, thank him in the afternoon and praise him before you go to bed. A good starting  point would be to increase your worshipping to 10,000 reasons but keep in mind that you can never have too much worship. This will help make worshipping more of a lifestyle than a single occurrence which will make you a better, happier, and safer person.  

Sincerely,

Question Answerer

Happily Impatient

Today I'm a little impatient.
Impatient for 5pm when I get to leave to go get Sweetness. I really hate that I have to work away from her all day long and the commute doesn't help either. I miss her too much and I hate driving.
Impatient to find a place to live since I only have a month and a half until I have to move. I don't think being in between things. I want to know where I'm going to be and start planning decorations and my life there as a Garza.
Impatient to finalize wedding prep. There is so much I still need to do and I'm having a hard time visualizing it all!
Impatient to get married. I am looking forward to the wedding, of course, but I'm more looking forward to coming back from the honeymoon and waking up that Saturday morning with my Mr., Sweetness and I all under one roof as a family. It can't come soon enough...

But the greatest thing about all of that is they even exist for me to be impatient about!

I have a wonderful job that let's me off at 5pm so that I can go to a fantastic daycare that pours Jesus' love into my little girl while I'm at work.
I have so many options of apartments, condo's and homes that are all within my budget when just a year ago I was struggling to pay for my little 1 bedroom loft apartment for me and little girl.
I am way ahead of schedule with planning and have been incredibly blessed to have so many people offer to help.
I have been given the great gift of being pursued by a handsome man that loves me like Christ loves the church, dotes on me like a Queen, and is wonderfully patient and loving with Sweetness. I am enjoying this time of making memories and allowing God to move and work in us as we prepare for the next great adventure of joining our lives together.

Not that long ago, I didn't have any of those little blessings to be impatient over which makes my heart so glad. I have been blessed beyond comparison.

I'm still impatient. But I'm happily impatient. Does that even make sense?

Open your eyes

Sitting in traffic at a stop light, I see all of the scowls and expressions of frustration as people throw their hands in the air and scream at the car in front of them. Almost automatically I start singing to the radio without registering the lyrics. 

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,

Oh, for grace to trust Him more. 

Oh how sweet these words are on a hot August day in traffic. It takes road rage and turns it into road praise. It turns traffic updates into people with beating hearts. 

As I surveyed the cars surrounding and passing me, I took special care to look at their faces. The old man with the mustache that's balding. The country boy blaring his music and spitting dip out of his open window. The lady laughing at something her teenager said. Then an almost audible whisper came softly,

Open your eyes. They're drowning. 

I was sitting in the boat peacefully singing how I trust in Jesus and these precious people are passing me by like numbers in a statistic. My heart hurts for them to know the peace that I so desperately cling to. 

Open your eyes to see the hustle around you as people. People that are drowning. People in need of love. 

Realize you have the power to save lives by mending broken bones and broken hearts. 

Open your eyes. 

Please join us

The chains have been broken. Your debt has been paid in full. You have been restored to your free status. There is nothing that anyone can do or say that will take that status away from you. You have every weapon you could imagine to your disposal. You have allies in every city and country in the world. You have the map and directions on how to get where you need to be. You also have inside you a supernatural force that empowers you with strength, discernment, and knowledge. 

There is an enemy out there that is stealing from your friends, your family, and you - right in front of you. 

This enemy ruins marriages, steals belongings, sets houses on fire, takes jobs, and slaughters millions of people. 

Are you still standing in the cell?

Why? Two is better than one. Four is better than two. Three thousand is better than four. But if we all stand in the cell, lives will continue to be lost. 

Please, put on your armor. Pick up your sword. Fight with me. Don't let the enemy steal what does not belong to him. 

We are in a battle so if some of us get tired, don't leave us behind. Tensions will be high because there is a lot at stake, but we must not let division happen in the ranks. We have to stick together. We have to have each other backs. We can't let the enemy slip in and place fear or judgment between us. We can't fight about how much armor we have or if yours is nicer than mine. We have been given exactly what we need. And if it keeps us alive that's all that matters. 

Don't try to do what I do. You have a specific set of skills that you have been given. You have weapons I don't. Practice with them. Use them. We are going to need them in this battle. And if you don't use them, who will? We can't afford dead limbs on the tree. We all have to work together. 

See the thing is, we've already won the war, but most of the people here don't know. We have to tell them. We have to give them their armor and weapons. We have to get them out of their cells. But you have to step out of yours, first. 

Please. Please join us. 

The Great Handbag Abyss - 31DC14

What's in my handbag?

Woah, now. This is getting a little personal. If you're sure that you want to embark on the journey to the great abyss that which is my purse, I will accompany you for your safety. 

As we jump into the front pocket, we are immediately greeted with the enticing smell of peppermint from the two new packs of Cobalt flavored 5Gum. Then seemingly out of place you will see America's Number One Ouchless Elastic Bands and some Essential Oil that my dear friend Kathy gave me when Sweetness tried to dance with the ants this past Sunday. (Shout out to Kathy for being an amazing friend to the rescue! Love that woman!) The zipper of this front pocket always stays undone because I chew gum all. day. long. Random fact about me. You're welcome.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, we will venture to the capital of this purse colony. Dun, dun, dunnnnn!

The first thing in my line of sight is my Costa Sunglass case. For those of you who own regular sunglasses, let me just tell you about a product that has changed my life. I used to get headaches often while driving. I was used to squinting my eyes so much that I'm sure I will need botox to get rid of that wrinkle in between my eyebrows. With the Costa's I don't ever have to worry about that! I wear them even if it's not bright outside because I can see better with them than with my eyes alone. The polarized lenses took me about a day to get used to, but now the only thing I notice is the little rainbow of colors that I see when I look at some windows. Who doesn't want more rainbows in their life? They make the world a more magical place which is totally worth the money you spend on them. Unless you have an amazing fiance like I do who buys them for you. (Shout out to the Mr. Thanks darling!) Come on. So without further ado it is, dare I say, my duty to tell you to buy Costa's. Do it. You're welcome, again.

The second thing I see is my beautiful Coach wallet. There's no fancy pattern. It is just blue, which is perfect for me. It is special to me because my niece and my brother in law picked it out for me for my first mother's day after becoming a single mom and living in a brand new state. I wasn't expecting to get anything at all. It was a wonderful surprise that I will cherish forever. (Shout out to you, dear familia! Love you!) I would never purchase a Coach for myself because I hate spending money, but this thing has lasted me 2 years! Durable, cute, and brand name. Golly, I'm spoiled!

A receipt from Target, the CD from my family/engagement/Sweetness pictures with the waiver, a semi-colored picture from Sweetness, a Blue Raspberry Dum Dum wrapper, and my checkbook are wedged in between my wallet and a cute blue flowered bag that I have 3 tubes of chapstick, a tattoo sunscreen stick, hand sanitizer, and deodorant in.  Ya know just random essentials. I'm sure you were just DYING to know this information. You're welcome, again again.

The bottom of my handbag is a mystery to even me. I rarely ever clean out my bag so we will be adventurous together. I found 7 pens and a sharpie, Excedrin Migraine meds, 4 crumpled gum wrappers, a straw from a juicebox, a bag with 29 dollars and a ton of quarters that I used for my sister's garage sale, a pair of 3T training panties for the Sweetness, a hair claw, and my keys.

You see, I'm prepared for life. You never know when you will need a juicebox straw....

31 Day Challenge - Day 14

Psychoanalysis

So here is the scenario- the car behind me slips to the lane next to me slowly speeding up with full intentions on passing me. This doesn't bother me because they obviously have some urgency, when I do not. There is too small of a gap between the car in front of them and me in the other lane so I lift my foot off the gas to make a little room. That's when they quickly accelerate and cut in front of me like their life depended on it and speed away. I don't mind being passed but it's that last little jolt that's irritating. Like they won over on me or somehow outsmarted me to push their way through the space like I wasn't willingly slowing down to let them over. 

I will probably never see them again AND it really doesn't matter. So why do I feel that small twinge of irritation?
It's nothing that ruins my day, but it does make me question....

What about the situation is frustrating?

Is there anything I could have done to avoid the irritation?

Why does it matter if my kindness is rejected? I should be kind no matter if it is received or not?

Am I just trying to control the situation? Like, am I "allowing" them in because I'm nice and I subconsciously think they should be grateful for my kindness?

What is the real problem rooted in?

I think it stems from a fear of being misunderstood, yes, a need to be understood. 

Why is that important? What other areas of my life does this affect?

Why am I thinking about this? Ha!

Why do I psychoanalize my actions, reactions and interactions?

The Money Issue - 31DC12&13

This weekend while having dinner with some friends/mentors, I was asked this question:

"If money wasn't an issue, what would your perfect wedding look like?"

I don't like this question. I think I don't like this question because money has always been an issue so I don't know how to imagine money not being an issue. Part of me thinks dreaming is just a waste of time because it just creates an envy in me for what I can't have. I want to dream about things that I can accomplish, yet I know that dreaming will open up doors to places and opportunities that I never imagined I could accomplish. This is my dilemma. I typically want to make achievable goals. But if I will try to relax and be fun instead of so serious, for your sake. So, if I wont the lottery I don't know what I would do with every cent, but here are some things that came to mind (in no particular order):

- Pay off debt
- Secure college fund for Sweetness
- Buy a reasonable house
- Donate to my church and other charities that pull my heart strings
- Go on a cool vacation
- Pour time and my new found resources into making writing more of a possible full-time career.

I'm sure there are more things that I would do with such a large amount of money, but I think those six things are a good start. I know that I would want to use the money to pour into abilities, talents, and opportunities.

I don't know who said it, but it's one of my favorite quotes about money and being frugal.

"To be frugal means to have a high joy-to-stuff ratio."

I would love to win the lottery. But I would have to buy a lottery ticket first, and I'm too frugal for that. ;)"

31 Day Challenge - Days 12 & 13

That morning was my proudest moment - 31DC11

It's scary to be alone. It's scary to be pregnant for the first time, have a baby, be in the care of the worst hospital staff in the US (I'd be willing to bet it is), and to be alone. But we did it, little girl. I stayed up staring at your perfect little features, watching your chest rise and fall with every breath, and just being in awe that you were finally here. Bringing you into the world was intense, scary, and nerve-wrecking. There were so many nurses and doctors in the room. After you entered the world, bliss and the greatest joy overwhelmed any pain or nerves that I felt before. You were and are perfect, beautiful, and best of all, mine.

The next morning when I woke up, you were awake but peacefully taking the world in around you. As exhausted as we both were, we had conquered the the first night, alone but together. Just you and me. 

That morning, just me and you, is my proudest moment. 

A little now and a little then - 31DC8, 9 & 10

There are some things that gross me out. I can't explain it other than I was created this way. The idea of a needle puncturing the skin, slicing its way through your insides and coming out on the other side just plain FREAKS ME OUT.

IV's
Shots
Piercings

All gross.

I worked up a lot of courage to go get my ears pierced just a few months ago. This would be the 3rd time in my life I have had the pierced and I was determined to not let the holes close up again. I couldn't bear the thought of having to pierce them any more. At least now, I am in a stage of my life that I am not playing sports and sweating almost all day so I can stay clean and they can heal.

Mr. and I went to the shop and I was mentally preparing myself the whole way by talking to Mr., texting friends, taking pictures, and just slightly having an anxiety attack inside. But I was determined to overcome my fears and get this done.

The last time I had earrings was in 2008, as you can see from the pic below.

And here is an old pic from before I even had any tattoos!

And to go back even a little further...this pic is before I ever really cut my hair and WAY before I started dyeing it. THROWBACK for real!

And while we are on the subject of throwbacks, I might as well tell you about one of my very first celebrity crushes....(it's a stretch, I know but I need to catch up on the challenge). I don't know if they were my very first crushes, but they definitely were in the beginning when I started noticing cute boys. 

check out these studs!

You're Welcome.

Top 10 - 31DC7

I probably could live off of the same foods for the rest of my life. I had a little bit of a difficult time coming up with 10 of my favorite foods for the 31DC Day 7, and most of them are sweets. But here they are in no particular order:

1. COFFEE- this is considered a food because it is made from a berry.

2. Brownies- warm and gooey middle pieces, preferrably

3. Fruit- All fruit except watermelon and honeydew melon

4. Potatoes- in any form

5. Peanut Sauce- (my aunt's recipe is the best) with chicken satay and rice. yummmmm

6. Cupcakes- Rise Cupcakes are the best!

7. Basil Pesto Chicken- on a sandwich, in pasta, in a salad, those flavors are just perfect together

8. Spinach Artichoke dip- warm and cheesy and melty

9. Graham Cracker Praline- so delicious and simple!

10. Double Chocolate Fudge Coca-Cola Cake from Cracker Barrel- God's gift to my taste buds.

Now it's not even lunch time and I'm starving! All of my thoughts for losing weight and eating healthy are being replaced with mouth-watering chocolate cake. But I must press on! 

I'm just thankful I don't have to eat manna every day.

Do you have at least three? - 31DC6

I will partially blame not having a computer at home for why I didn't blog on Sunday. It is hard to think when you have to type and scroll on that tiny screen.

I will partially blame not blogging on Monday because I was slammed at the office. However, one would counter that I had time to be on Facebook. Yes, I was busy at work, but I wasn't too busy that I didn't have enough time to blog. I saw what the challenge was for Sunday (31DC6) and I froze a little -"3 Personality Traits that I am proud of". Ugh. No bueno. 

My thought process went back and forth something like this:

Oh gosh, I don't know.

          No, you need to be confident.

But how do I brag about myself?

          Bragging and confidence are two different things

But it just feels weird talking about what I'm proud of myself for

          You are royalty. A princess. A beautiful creation. Boasting in His image is not bragging. 

So here it goes:

ONE

I was given a beautiful heart of mercy. One that can only be described as the mercy of God flowing through me because I love everyone. I used to not protect my heart of mercy so I would love to the point of other people trampling me, but oh, how that has changed. My feet are now firmly planted in truth and I am free to love without being taken advantage of because my identity is not rooted in their acceptance of my love and mercy, but instead is unshakably buried in a great love and acceptance from the Author of unconditional love Himself.

TWO

I am probably annoyingly optimistic. The glass is not have full, it is all the way full - half water, half air. I'm happy 99% of the time and if I'm not happy, it doesn't take me long to get happy. This was not always the case, but when you worship God there is no other way to be than joyful. He overflows my heart with music and singing; dance and laughter spew from me like an erupting volcano. Except it probably does happy damage instead of engulfing things in boiling fire lava. That would most certainly create the opposite of joy. I usually see the silver lining, the upside, the reward, or whatever glimpse of goodness there is in a situation. I gain joy from the smallest pleasures and am perfectly happy just being in His presence for a little joy refill.

THREE

I would like to take pride in being low-maintenance. I guess you might want to double check with Mr. to see if he thinks the same. I don't have to have designer bags or brand name clothing. I don't have to wear makeup everyday. My hair often isn't curled or hair sprayed. I don't mind getting a little dirty to help move furniture or do yardwork. (Side note: I HATE yardwork. I hope I never have to pick weeds again. However, I don't mind at all helping a friend or neighbor if they really need it. I would just rather pay someone to do my own. THAT,  I don't mind spending money on.) I don't need Sweetness to have the latest and greatest toys or clothes. I think being low-maintenance is a good quality to have. 

Maybe the third point is just me being lazy by not wanting to fix my hair. Maybe it's me being stingy with my money and not wanting to go shopping for nice things. Maybe it isn't a good quality trait at all. ha! I don't know. But I do know that the only reason those first two are on the list at all is because of my great God. Yes, he created me unique and beautiful, but my flesh often times doesn't want to do productive and positive things. It is His Spirit in me, in communion with me, teaching me gently, guiding me with wisdom that meets me right where I am. And through spending time with Him I have more joy and more peace than what would ever make sense. He is good. All the time. He is worth it. He is powerful and has equipped me to do powerful things with His power working through me. It's all because of Him that I am able to walk in victory and with confidence. 

I am learning every day to walk confidently, maybe next week I will have 3 more traits that I am proud of. 

I would like to hear your 3 traits that you are proud of.

Do you have to think hard about that?

Or does a list form naturally in your head?

Is your list formed from confidence in yourself or in who you were made to be?