Hour two of insomnia has me up and writing to you. I read an article in bed trying to hide my cell phone light to not disturb my snoring husband. It's called What it's like to have fertility problems in your 20's and it's about what it's like...well, I'm sure you understand. You can click the link to read it yourself if you like. It's from a fellow cyster, Candace Ganger, who writes about dealing with more than I have so far, yet I still can relate. I remember being told that I couldn't have children at 18 years old. I felt like the whole point of my life was ruined. Possibly a little dramatic, but I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than to be married and have a large family.
When I found out I was pregnant with my Sweetness, I was already 12 weeks along. Irregular periods, pain, nausea, mood swings, insomnia, exhaustion, skin problems, and the near impossibility of losing weight were my normal life. So how was I supposed to know that I had defied the odds? If I would have been walking more closely with Jesus, I'm sure I would have known. I don't know all of the reasons why He gave me such a precious gift into a toxic marriage when I wasn't living my life for Him, but He did.
I didn't deal with any postpartum depression that Candace mentions in her post. If I'm honest, I silently judged women that dealt with it at the same time that I gave birth. I never would have said anything, but I definitely had judgmental thoughts as I lied awake staring at the perfection in my arms. Maybe it was because I had given up on the idea of being able to have children, so I was just thankful for whatever time I did have with her. Maybe it was just my general view of life because of the things that I had experienced growing up with losing Brent, my mom, and being separated from my siblings. Maybe it was God just protecting my heart completely. I'm not sure. I still don't understand postpartum depression, but I don't have to in order to realize it is a real thing and grieve for those mom's.
Thankfully, I haven't had to have an ovary removed, and a full hysterectomy isn't on the schedule for me any time soon. However, I have to be prepared that it could be in my future. I might not have another baby. I think people like to be kind and hopeful and say that Jesus will give me another baby. But one thing that I have learned is that I can't presume to know His will. I am learning to move into friendship with God and realize that I am valued enough to have an influence on His decisions. (Listen to this podcast by Kris Vallotton, seriously) Yet, I haven't been told that I will be given another child. One of my mentors in life shared that in her own journey, very separate and different from mine, she was given the promise that every woman in the Bible that wanted a child was given a child. I desperately want to believe that that is true for me. Maybe I'm just guarding my heart? Maybe it's unbelief? Maybe I don't want to get my hopes up? Maybe that promise isn't for me? I'm not sure.
If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I would be ecstatic. Nervous for complications, but over-the-moon excited for another precious gift of life. On the flip side of that scenario, I am getting to a point for the first time in my life that I am ok with not being pregnant. Does everything in me ache to be a mom again? Yes, all the time. But near sounding like a lunatic, I have to tell you it's different this time. It's a passion in my heart and so strongly desired, but it's held in open and lifted hands to the One who created me. He knows my heart. He gave me these passions. He knows the purpose behind them. So I'm not afraid to cry out and grieve for what I feel is loss, but in the next breath I give my longing to the Sustainer of Life and I lean on truth.
Matthew 7:11God gives good gifts
Psalm 34:17 The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.
Isaiah 45:2-3 I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
In the car on the way to Pre-K yesterday my Sweetness asked me, "When do I get bigger like you? It's taking too long." I took a moment before answering as my mind flashed back through so many memories from my first time kissing her precious face to looking at her now. There is no more baby in her. She is a full blown kid now. I answered her that she is growing everyday, and said that we would start tracking her measurements so she could actually see how much she is growing. She seemed satisfied with the answer and went back to singing jingle bells. Every stage that we have come to has had it's challenges, but every stage was one that I never thought I would get to encounter with her. She is a miracle, and I'm thankful.
If God gives me another child or two, I will be grateful.
If God does not give me another child, I will be grateful because I know that His will is perfect.
I know that God is good and wherever He is, that's where I want to be. Whatever He is doing, that is what I want to be a part of. I have never known fuller joy than to be in the center of His will in fellowship with Him.
Yes, I dream. I think it's important to dream. We were created for it, but I hold my dreams with open hands. I know that what He has for me is better than anything I could plan. And you better believe that He knows that if that conversation comes up between me and Him, He will hear my full passionate argument on the matter. Because He cares. Because He listens. Because He created me with the desire to be a mom.
I will grieve, but I will not dwell in grief.
I have questions, but I will not question His character.
I will struggle, but I know this is not my home.
It's all temporary - these struggles, questions, grief, and the side effects of this medicine.
James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
Love your surrendered heart. The Father is greatly honored.
ReplyDelete