Stumbled but not Fallen

Did you run last night?
Yes. It was horrible, but I survived.
Haven't you been running for 3 weeks now?
Yes, but I'm no where near in shape so I'm starting out pretty far behind my goal.
What was your run time?
Oh gosh, That's not necessary information to know. It's too embarrassing and ridiculous.
Oh, come on, what was it? We're both girls.
*I tell her the run time*
*She laughs out loud* You're joking right? I think my 4 year old can beat that time.

I wish I could say that I had some witty retort or sassy comeback. Part of me wishes I could have just told her off and called her out on being so rude. But the old part of me, the embarrassed insecure door mat, rose up and just fumbled through words of trying to defend myself. I left the room feeling horrible and she just went back to what she was doing like nothing happened. I thought about it the whole rest of the day, through my run that night and still this morning. I doubt it even crossed her mind after I left the room.

Why is it that bad words resonate so deep with me for so long? It's like quicksand in the Forbidden Forest. Wesley told Count Rugen that he and Princess Buttercup could live quite happily in the Forbidden Forest because they knew the signs so they could avoid them. I know what to look for.I know what conversations, tv shows, songs, movies, etc, to avoid. But I let my guard down for one second and I fall into that quicksand. It takes so much longer to get out of that quicksand than it does to just be paying attention and walk around it. I can be told 100 times something uplifting, but as soon as those daggers come flying at my heart they cut me into teeny tiny pieces. Why am I holding my shield but not using it?! Why am I not using my sword to fight back? Why do I just lay there and accept be eaten alive by little bugs of insecurity, hatred, bitterness, and passive aggressive hatred?

It's ridiculous! So then as if the feeling of being 1 inch tall wasn't punishment enough, I tag on guilt of not standing up for myself and shame for not being bigger/better/stronger than those words. Well, not that I wasn't being bigger/better/stronger than those words, but I wasn't acting bigger/better/stronger like I am fully capable of doing.

What she said definitely pushed my buttons, but what bothered me more was my response to those words.

But today is a new day.
I am chosen, beautiful, smart, funny, cherished, and worth dying for.
I am awesome because HE says so.

I stumbled yesterday. Today I might stumble again, but I will pick up my shield and sword and keep going. Because I am capable, equipped and backed by my God of angel armies.