Just shut up

Yet again, another day of swimming thoughts. I read through some of Hebrews this morning and it just hurts my brain. I don't know if my brain is doing what it's supposed to do and processing new information or if it is just being a pain in the butt and trying to overanalyze the information. It's an intriguing battle of the brain, I must say. So instead of running to (who I consider to be my mentor even though she may not realize it), I took the advice that I knew she would give me anyway and asked God. I asked Him and talked to Him and asked Him again. And I talked and talked and asked questions and reasoned and talked some more.

How embarrassing to admit this. UGH. But I have to be honest.

A conversation has to have two sides. Yes, ask Him. Yes, talk to Him. But if you want to get an answer you have to actually shut up long enough to hear Him speak and feel Him move.

I don't have an answer yet. But I will try to listen today. And the next day and the day after. And even if He doesn't give me the answer to this question, I will continue to ask Him questions. Why? Because I know He will reveal to me what I NEED to know and will always supply the understanding and grace to accept it. Because He is good.

In the Deep

There is so much swimming in my head right now that it's hard to focus. I say swimming instead of floating, meandering or transpiring because I feel that the gushing and movement of the water is the perfect metaphor. On the surface, the water rages with wild uncertainty. It's nature is inconsistent. Sometimes it is packed with a deadly force as it gives the appearance to flow straight forward but barely under the surface the ripe tide swirls with little rhyme or reason. But if you dive deeper and deeper still, if you hold your breath long enough, if you kick and swim further down with all your strength, you will see the change. The water is still. Life thrives with little care or worry. Then the water doesn't really seem like water anymore because you are surrounded. Completely engulfed in this new reality. Peaceful. Yes, peaceful and quiet, at first. But the longer you stay you see that it's not quiet, it's just a different noise. A new wave length. A special channel.

Suddenly, you are snapped back to the realization that you need oxygen to thrive. You burst back to the surface with the waves crashing and the chaos of daily life resumes.

There are things I must do in this life to thrive.
I feed my physical self to survive.
But I MUST feed my spiritual self to grow.
I just want to hear Him.
I just want to be connected.
I just want to stay in the deep forever.
It's safe there. It's perfect and peaceful.
But there is so much work to be done on this chaotic surface.

Let's get to it! Welcome to Monday morning.

Happenings

Facts/Happenings I from this weekend:

Dog poop is even more gross after you haven't had a dog in a while.
It is so easy to envy what others have if you are not reminded of what is important on a regular basis.
The sweetness wants to paint or draw every day all day.
Deception can come from trusted sources as easily as it can come from strangers or enemies.
I think that almost everything the sweetness does is adorable.
I get ridiculous enjoyment when movies have the character singing their own theme or background music.
Christine Cain is wonderful and hilarious.
My brain is most likely going to explode due to information overload from this morning. And I'm OK with that.
I found out I love sleeping more than I previously thought.
I get overwhelmed more easily when my home isn't organized and clean.
My favorite color is blue but I always choose green and brown when thinking how to decorate my home. Weird.
I'm getting irritated with lack of physical results from my diet and exercise change. I heart Braveheart. Seriously. Favorite.
I hate vacuuming and doing dishes but I don't want to break child labor laws so I have to do them.
I have the best friends in the whole world.
I love spicy food and am angry I can't really eat it any more.

God wants willingness and obedience more than talent and gifts. There is a time gap between the anointing and the appointing. I have to be in love with the process more than the prophecy.

So i will walk

It has taken me a long time to reach the point of contentment I am at currently. I have always struggled with a few mountains in my life. Now that I have really come to the beautiful realization that they don't matter, I'm left with a clean blank canvas. Sure it is nice just being me everyday instead of trying to be something or someone else. It is so nice to be completely content in the love from my Father. It is so nice to have an established time with the Lord in the mornings and to crave it that time with him and his word. It is so freeing to realize that you actually really and truly free.

Now what?

I know that my experiences, obstacles, heart aches, strengths, passions, likes, dislikes, relationships, knowledge and heart have all been combined to who I am now so that I can do something great. But what is it? Here I am Lord, send me. Use me. I see small puzzle pieces being put together. I see relationships being strengthened and bonds being formed. I'm excited for what is to come. I'm excited for the possibilities. I'm excited for the open invitation to walk with my King. I just want to know where it leads.

So I will keep walking with him. Its truly great to be at the beginning again. I have never been more in love and free and full to overflowing with contentment and purpose as I am now. That in and of itself is enough. I just want more. I just want to be more and do more and love more. I'm perfectly satisfied and so thirsty at the same time.

I want Him to point me in the direction so I can run, and He is asking me to walk with Him hand in hand.

So I will walk with Him and bask in His mercy. I will soak up as much as I can. I will sit at His feet and cling to His teaching.

So ready for worship with my church family tomorrow!

Close to my heart

This morning while the little girl still slept peacefully, I just stopped for a moment and gazed at her. I stared at the rising and falling of her chest. I noticed how there was a couple strands of hair on her nose that danced as she exhaled. Her arms were all sprawled out in crazy fashion but somehow she was completely relaxed and comfortable. I brushed her hair back and kissed her soft cheek. She smelled so good and felt so good be near. I kissed her a couple more times before she stirred and I was forced to stop. I didn't want to wake her just yet. In that moment, I couldn't imagine loving another human being anywhere close to that little girl.

Sometimes, in quiet content moments like these, other thoughts surface that wouldn't have in any other circumstance. In this occasion one crossed my mind that hasn't ventured on to my path in a couple months.

I wonder if my mom had moments like this about me.

It startled me, actually. I had to almost second guess that it was me thinking this thought. But wait, I mean, I'm sure she felt this way. It's normal to be this smitten and taken back at the beauty of such a precious angel, right?

Maybe I wasn't a precious angel. Maybe I didn't fill her heart to the point of near explosion of joy. I'm not sure. It was altogether a fleeting thought, however. It left as quickly as it came and really had little to no impact on my thought process except to make me pull out her jewelry box. I never open her jewelry box. I couldn't really remember why until I actually opened it and got a strong aroma of her perfume. It surprised me. It's amazing what your brain does with triggers of familiar smells. I closed my eyes and it was almost like I was 5 again wrapped in a big bear hug or cuddling with her on the couch. Oh, that smell. It warmed my heart to be reminded of such sweet memories. I grabbed a necklace with a small lamb pendant. I honestly don't even know if the pendant was hers of if it was something I added to the box through the years. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that her gold chain around my neck is exactly where it needs to be, close to my heart.

It's moments like these that I know I am truly blessed.
Blessed with the overflowing love of the sweetest little girl.
Blessed with the surprise of my mom's perfume.
Blessed with immediately remembering the good times instead of the vast array of bad times.

Psalm 113:3

From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.

 

 

There's a cry in my heart

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head

Stake your claim

I see you. I see your potential. I want you to rise to the occasion. I want you to believe the truth and reject those lies. I want you to dance to the rhythm I have given you specifically. I'm not moving those specific mountains because you can overcome them yourself. You don't think you can and you doubt your abilities all the time. You doubt your character, you doubt your decisions. You are riddled with self-conscious thoughts that are only delaying your adventure. They aren't doing you any good but I will not allow them to harm you. It's up to you to keep moving. It's up to you to press forward. I am here, waiting to quench your thirst. I'm here desiring to see you succeed. I wont force you. I wont give up on you. Quite the opposite actually. I have given you everything you need to conquer any obstacle.

I see you. I see your potential. Rise up and claim your rightful place in my kingdom.

France has it right!

There is so much pressure around adults and teenagers to be what society tells you to be. I'm sure every female knows this to be true to some level. Then WHY would any sane person put their children through the scrutiny at such a young age?!

It was just recently announced that France has banned kids' beauty contests. "Anyone caught organizing a beauty pageant for children could now face up to two years in prison and fines of up to £25 000 (about R375 000)." IOL Lifestyle has the full article here.

Anyone want to move to France?

I'm not a painter.

I bought a canvas.
I bought some brushes.
I bought some acrylic paint.
That's all it takes right?
That's all is takes to be a painter?
Just the mere fact that I had all the supplies made me a painter?
Yes.
But what I painted was no masterpiece.
It was a complete failure.

You see, I didn't start painting because I really wanted to paint.
I didn't paint because I had inspiration.
I didn't paint because I wanted to create a masterpiece.
I painted because I didn't want to spend as much money on a nicer painting.
I didn't mix colors to try to get the perfect shade.
I mixed yellow and red to get orange so that I didn't have to buy orange.

I'm not a painter with creative taste. I'm just cheap. That kinda makes me sad.

But I have to be ok with not being good at everything that I try to do.
You should, however be proud of me. I really did think I could create a masterpiece.
So I will not rejoice in the fact that I failed this painting, but for the first time - I think in my entire life - I tried to do something without even a second thought that I wouldn't be able to master it. It didn't even cross my mind that it wasn't going to turn out like I had planned.

Even if I didn't accomplish my feat, there was confidence paired with an attempt.

For those that know me, that is something worth smiling about.

Ground-breaking, record-shattering, life-changing medicine!

Proverbs 17:22
"A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."
Remember this song?! I certainly do!

Well, this is all cute and cuddly but what are the real statistics?


In this article from the New York Times, there are more deaths from suicide than car accidents. In fact in 2010, "there were 33,687 deaths from motor vehicle crashes and 38,364 suicides".

The CDC reports that 1 in 10 US adults report depression.

ChildHelp shows these statistics among many others:

About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.

About 80% of 21 year olds that were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.

More than five children die every day as a result of child abuse.

It's not often you hear that a completely joyful person just flipped a switch and started killing people in a movie theater, taking their own life, planting bombs in subways or randomly abusing their children. And if such a story exists, that person wasn't truly joyful.

Maybe America should focus its efforts on creating my happiness instead of more restrictions to freedom. Saying a gun is responsible for killing is like saying a spoon is responsible for over eating. The caretaker of the crops is responsible for what is in the harvest. If America took this stand to hold fast to Proverbs 17:22, what would that look like?

Well, first we would need to redefine what brings joy. It's obviously not money, fame, influence, power, skill, talent or status. How many celebrities have had all of the above and still have taken their life or been depressed? Ok, so what does joy really mean?

Webster says:
Joy - a feeling of great happiness

Money may bring happiness, but only temporary.
Talent and skill may bring happiness, but only temporary.
Power may bring happiness, but only temporary.

Can we just look at what the Bible says about joy, please?
- Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Joy and peace are coinciding here, leading to hope. Not just a feeling of happiness. Hey, I like this already.

- John 16:22-24 "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."
Jesus is talking to the disciples in this passage. He is telling them that their sorrow will turn into joy and that they will remember the sorrow no more! That no one can take their joy away. Everlasting joy that can't be taken from us. What a foreign concept!

- Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
Joy is the 2nd item on the list. The fruit of the Spirit. The very nature of God is joy accompanied by all of those other wonderful attributes. Do you want depression medicine with a side effect of nausea and fatigue, or do you want joy with a side of kindness, peace, goodness, love, gentleness, etc? It is part of God's character to exude joy and shower it on us!

- Philippians 2:1-2 "Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind."
Like a parent who is joyful when their children are sharing and being kind to one another, it is the same for us. Joy is dwelling in peace with one another. Even more, being of like mind. This is not merely tolerating the person next to you but having common goals and mutual interest in creating a peaceful, joyous atmosphere. Yes, please, I want that!

- James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Even though we don't like to struggle, it is part of life. We are people with free will interacting with other people with their own set of free will and life experiences. Discord will exist as long as we are still on this earth. But how awesome is it that we can take struggles, trials, obstacles and count them as joy because we are increasing our steadfastness to be lacking in nothing. Joy and patience combines? Um, yeah I would say the world needs more of that.

- 1 John 1:1-4 "That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete."
John is sharing with us what was revealed to him so that his joy may be complete. Sharing with others your good news will complete your joy. When something wonderful happens, most people don't just keep it to their self. They share with the world wide web, they call their parent, mentor, sibling, best friend, spouse. You do this almost subconsciously because the human nature craves fellowship and companionship. We were created to share in our joy.

Well, all of this seems to be the opposite of the world. And we are lamenting and wondering why the world is in shambles!

What is the problem? The problem is that most people don't witness this type of joy in others.

If you read the articles or talk to the general public about Christians, the median consensus is that Christianity is full of judgment and hypocrisy. What a sad reality! But again, blaming Jesus for His children's behavior is like blaming the water for someone drowning. The water has a purpose but it's what you do with and in the water that decides your fate. Unfortunately, we can't just tell everyone to just believe in God or just read the Bible. Using the "do what I say, not what I do" tactic hasn't been very successful in the past.

People follow what attracts them. People watch movies that have good ratings. They mimic the style and fashion of the people they admire. Children become mirror images of their parents or a "chip off the old block". This is why you see a 5th generation military soldier. This is why you hear the phrase "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". This is why you don't want your children hanging out around a bad circle of friends. People are influenced by what is around them. For better or for worse, we are influenced. Period.

So why does the world have higher and higher suicide and depression rates when we are in an age where almost everything we could want is available and attainable? Because they see what they want, they go for it and it returns void. I saw what I thought I wanted in my ex husband. He made me feel important and beautiful in the beginning. It returned void and I am a single parent. Whitney Houston had anything and everything she wanted at the snap of her fingers and in the end of her life, it returned void. (Rest in peace, Whitney. The world was blessed with your talent.)

People see what they want and chase after it. So why do people not flock to the church doors? Why do people not chase me down in the mall and ask me questions?

Because they don't see anything they want.

 

How is this possible?!?!?! How is it possible that we have been given the greatest gift anyone could possess - a gift that is free to the world, a gift that is food for the hungry and complete satisfaction and freedom to a dying and depressed world - and yet no one sees anything they want in us? Why is it we are daily allowed to dwell within His Spirit and presence, yet they don't see anything they want? Because I am flawed. I talk about love and then I lash out in anger. I talk about joy and yet I have sad days. They see me scolding Ryot for busting a glass candle in WalMart. Some might even say I'm a hypocrite. I am flawed. I have made mistakes and I will make more in the future. The general public looks at Christians to be a direct correlation to God's character.

 

Is this a lot of responsibility? Yes.

Is there a lot at stake here? Yes.

But does God fully equip me and walk with me through every circumstance to show me how to live and respond to the curves of my journey? Absolutely, yes!

 

All I have to do is listen. Channel into Him and meditate on His words and promises. He IS faithful. He WILL provide. Now we need to start living like we believe it!

 

I wonder what it would look like if people saw us embracing those around us instead of holding signs in protest?

I wonder what is would accomplish if we adopted children and spent our money on wiser things to help people around us instead of accumulating more stuff?

I wonder how many people would change if we were approachable, open, vulnerable and honest about our flaws instead of pretending like we have it all together?

I wonder what radical change we would see in the world!?

 

Our priority should be people.

Stuff is nice. A college degree might get you a better job that might get you more money. A pretty wife might give you beautiful children with beautiful family portraits.

 

But without love, it's nothing.

Without love, it's just another statistic.

 

Loving more

Michelle 'did you meet William?'
Me thinking *does he love Jesus?*
Michelle 'I think he goes to church'
Me thinking *that's not the same thing*

Why isn't that the same thing? What does it mean to really love one another? What if we REALLY loved one another?

Maybe my assumption would have been different?

Do people see love in me/through me? Through how I parent Ryot? Through how I handle disappoint or frustration?

What do people see when they interact with me on the base level of a normal day? Do I ooze peace and patience? Do I overflow with joy? Well, I better be overflowing with joy because I was a horrible wretched selfish sinner who was pardoned by Jesus. He took my place and set me free. That is something to have joy about!

Thankful Thursdays: My Space

My space.
I spend more time here than I do sleeping.
It is such a comfortable space that I enjoy coming here.
I love the people that I have to interact with on a daily basis.
It is a flexible space that I can leave if I have an emergency with my daughter.
It is a place close to home, a new home close to the water that I love.
Enjoying the place that I HAVE to be in order to make money and provide for my family?
That is a priceless gift.

I have some thoughts brewing in me about this whole introvert vs extrovert battle that has surfaced lately, but they are not anywhere near developed to express. So this post is probably a bit annoying to you introverts out there...I apologize. Just for you, I will ask this question - What is YOUR space? Where do you spend the most time? Do you love your space?

Let your light shine

Driving to work this morning, I made my last turn toward the office.
BAM.
Sun so bright in my face that I could barely see the road.
Then I hear KSBJ on the radio singing, "Let your light shine, let your light shine".

How can my light shine if I don't have light pouring into me?

I didn't grab my sunglasses because it was so clear a picture of Christ shining on me that I didn't dare dim it. In Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages, I am pinned with the love language of physical touch. Gary says that your 'love tank' is most quickly filled when you receive the love in your specific love language. Well, this was definitely one of those moments that filled my love tank.

Thank you Jesus for creating me, knowing me inside and out and completely fulfilling all my needs.

It's time to fight

In Psalm 35, David is crying out to God to help him fight his battles. He is crying out for God to save him and rise up against those who want to take his life. This is serious business. His life and the lives of those he cares about are at stake. He goes on and on asking God to ensnare his enemy and defeat them.

My thoughts are this:

#1- I think we would be just like David crying out for help if our actual livelihood was in jeopardy. In fact, I know we would. During the terrorist attack on 9/11, how many people gathered for prayer? How many people cried out to God for mercy, comfort and rescue? We did just as David did. But what about now, on a daily basis? Do we not realize that there is a battle, waging war every day for the victory of our hearts and minds? We need to desperately be praying for His Spirit to draw us near to Him at every moment.

If you aren't being transformed by God, you are being influenced by the world. Wake up from your sleep and realize the war that surrounds you.

#2- Love your enemies, yes. But DO NOT take defeat from them. This is a point I never understood before. I understood that I was to love everyone as Jesus loves them. But that does NOT mean to lie down like a doormat and let the enemy trample all over us. My response should not be retreat at the first sign of battle. That is not loving your enemy, that is fearing them. Retreat is giving them the power to refuel the fear to continue infecting me. I surrender to no one but THE one and only great and mighty God, the Creator of the Universe, my Maker and Sustainer. Love my enemy, yes. Love them as beggars that need everlasting water. Answer their battle cries with love and kindness, but don't back down. We are to be the image of Christ to them. And how blasphemous for us to just give up or succumb to defeat? That is NOT a picture of Christ at all! I used to do it all the time and say "it's God's will" or "God is in control". Yes, God is in control but he empowers US to BE His hands and feet, not just sit idly while the enemy tears apart our relationships and lives. We already have the victory.

In this generation, the battle is not typically for our actual lives. We aren't under much open persecution where our life and freedom are imposed on. The battle is for our minds and our loyalty. In order for us to really get this, it has to be a priority. We get comfortable in our world and forget our need for the Savior. The battle has already been waged whether we like it or not. It is ok to fight. Not for the sake of self-satisfaction, pride or defeat, but for the sake of conversion, peace for all people and extending God's offer for eternal life. Our job is to show the world who Christ is.

Psalm 35:8-9
"Let destruction come upon him (the enemy) when he does not know it! And let the net that he hid ensnare him; Let him fall into it - to his destruction! Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord, exulting His salvation."

Fight the enemy.
Stand up for righteousness!
Do everything with love. The enemy comes to steal and destroy, but when we hit those obstacles we have an opportunity to turn it around for good. This is our part in the battle!
Love is the motivation.
Love God and you will love people.

Change of intent

The definition of success is the attainment of intention. Whatever you think about, whatever you spend money on, whatever you love, whatever lights the fire in your soul, whatever makes you happy, whatever you spend the most time doing or investing in - this is your intention. Success is attaining your intentions.

Do you know what I love about that?! There is no such thing as failure. The moment I think I failed, I can redefine my mindset to think that instead, I merely attained my intentions. My intentions might have been off-centered, but I didn't fail. In fact I succeeded.

But what kind of success do you hope for?
Change your mindset
Change your focus

What are your intentions? I can tell you my week definitely looks different now that I think of it that way!

5 Min Fridays! Thrift Shop

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

"One man's trash, that's another man's come up." At least that's what Macklemore says.

Just because something is thrown away doesn't mean it's trash.
Just because something is unwanted, doesn't mean its unworthy.
Just because something isn't appreciated, doesn't mean it holds no value.

Isaiah 54:4-17
^4"Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
    be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
    and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
⁵ For your Maker is your husband,
    the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
    the God of the whole earth he is called.
⁶ For the Lord has called you
    like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
    says your God.
⁷ For a brief moment I deserted you,
    but with great compassion I will gather you.
⁸ In overflowing anger for a moment
    I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
    says the Lord, your Redeemer.

⁹ “This is like the days of Noah to me:
    as I swore that the waters of Noah
    should no more go over the earth,
so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you,
    and will not rebuke you.
¹⁰ For the mountains may depart
    and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
    and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
    says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

¹¹ “O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted,
    behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
    and lay your foundations with sapphires.
¹² I will make your pinnacles of agate,
    your gates of carbuncles,
    and all your wall of precious stones.
¹³ All your children shall be taught by the Lord,
    and great shall be the peace of your children.
¹⁴ In righteousness you shall be established;
    you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
    and from terror, for it shall not come near you.
¹⁵ If anyone stirs up strife,
    it is not from me;
whoever stirs up strife with you
    shall fall because of you.
¹⁶ Behold, I have created the smith
    who blows the fire of coals
    and produces a weapon for its purpose.
I have also created the ravager to destroy;
¹⁷     no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
    and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord
    and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.”

 

 

I do not have to be ashamed, for I did not choose this. This aloneness, this solitude.

I've made it work because I had to, not because I wanted to.

I've really strived to have a good attitude not because it doesn't hurt or because it isn't hard, but because I serve a great God who deserves glory no matter what this world throws my way.

 

I don't have to hide away scorned because in righteousness I will be established, far from oppression.

 

I had some really great words spoken to me and over me last night. Things that I know are from the heart of God because they are things I have been struggling with/asking God for/talking to God about.

 

I am so thankful for the wonderful people I have in my life. Gifts from God, I tell you.

 

No weapon that is fashioned against me shall succeed.

No weapon of financial struggle.

No weapon of loneliness.

No weapon of fear.

No weapon of bitterness.

No weapon of exasperation.

No weapon of stress.

No weapon of judgment.

No weapon of insecurity.

No weapon of comparison.

No weapon of heartbreak.

No weapon of hatred.

No weapon of self-sufficiency.

No weapon shall succeed.

 

For I am His, and He is mine. His steadfast love will not depart from me.

 

Beginning projects!

I'm working on a project.

*Sigh* It's been so long since I have been able to say those wonderful words. I love new projects. Especially ones that stretch me to be better than I am. Actually I'm working on two new projects. BAM! You didn't see that one coming, huh?!

One of these projects involves crafty skills that don't exist. Seriously, I'm not being modest. They really don't exist. I will attempt to succeed, but will blog about it either way.

The other project involves writing which is one of my favorite things to do. I don't exactly know where the project will take me so I will keep this one to myself for a bit. But just know that something is in the mix. As I was doing research for this project, I noticed my writing style envy. If this project is going to succeed I have to be comfortable with my writing style. You see, my writing style isn't really a style. It's kind of a "try to sound witty and intelligent while really just writing the thoughts that come to your brain" style. Not a whole lot of rhyme or reason, just thoughts thrown into sentences, thrown into paragraphs.

Choppy. Very choppy. But I like it that way sometimes. It gets the point across without blurring lines. Short and to the point with no nonsense. Except that most of it is nonsense. hmmm, not really succeeding here. But even if you aren't inspired by my eloquent tales of life, joy and woe, at least you can say that you have a peek, however mundane or sporadic it is, into my brain. Congrats and welcome to crazy town.

This project should take approximately 4 months. I'm hoping to complete and polish the last bit by New Years-ish. We shall see how that turns out! I'm excited for this new adventure. I'm excited to expand my thinking and let others into a different and new part of my life.

So now that you have been informed, but really know no more information than when you started reading, I will bid you farewell for now.

Happy writing/reading to all of you!

Hatched

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad." - C.S. Lewis

I don't know about you but I don't want to just go bad. I want to fly.

My whole thought process has been shattered in the past couple months. Everything thing I thought I knew has been changed, morphed or just plain obliterated. It is the most freeing thing I have ever experienced.

I have been looking back over my blog posts recently and have not been impressed. I'm saying things, forming sentences and thoughts, without REALLY explaining anything with any form of eloquence. It's not because I'm not learning or because I don't want to share. Not at all! My brain just gets so overloaded and it shuts down. I don't know how to explain what is going on in my head. All I know is that every person, every situation, every conversation, every obstacle, every delight, every stress, every minute, every moment is different. New. Surrounded by a light that is nearly blinding.

Not bad at all. In fact, truly liberating. I'm hatched.

In the Presence

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the water,
Wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet can ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my savior.

Over and over and over again. I'm addicted to Hillsong. I'm addicted to Jesus. I gotta have Him. My soul like a sponge I am forever thirsty and yet forever satisfied. I ask and He gives. I open my Bible and the precious words stare at me, drawing me in, begging to change my life.

Come on 5am....going back to sleep now, but there's only 2 hours and 40 minutes until I get to have a warm cup of coffee and sit in my Maker's presence to prepare me for the day.

You have to put a shirt and pants on because it is the social norm to be physically covered.
You have to guard yourself with the armor of God because it is NOT the social norm to be spiritually covered.

Sleep deprived

I just watched a good movie that I thought was pretty horrible.
I'm awake entirely too late.
Only bad things happen when I stay up late. Things like cravings for midnight snacks that cause bad or weird dreams. Things like being exhausted the next day. Things like being lonely alone. There is a difference between being alone and lonely alone.

I used to have this poem/nursery rhyme hanging in my room growing up. I used to pretend that my mom would echo the words when I went to sleep.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Goodnight momma. Goodnight my precious sweetness. Goodnight guinea pigs. Goodnight world.