Bigger picture

I'm eating celery. Its green and nasty so it must be good for me, right? At least that's what I was thinking. So I set out on a mission...well not really. I pulled up Google on my phone. I searched 'health benefits of celery'. The first thing I read is that its 95% water. That was enough for me! Aha! I don't have to eat this nasty stuff! I can just drink a glass of 100% water which is refreshing and delicious instead of eating this nastiness. But then I kept reading. It contains a ton of fiber and this article's author was so sold on celery that he said it should be a staple part of your daily diet. So I'm eating a little peanut butter with it to help choke it down.

In Mark 9:14-29 there was a boy who was possessed with demons. The disciples were not successful casting the demons out of the boy and the father of the boy was getting desperate and upset. The father asked Jesus 'if' he could heal his son and Jesus replied that He is able to do anything if he would have faith. The father cried out to Jesus saying 'I do believe! Help me with my unbelief!'.

I googled celery to disprove its benefits but found out that it is super good for you.
The father prayed for the demons to come out of his son but Jesus tended not to just his son but to him and his unbelieving heart.

I wonder what else I'm doing/questions I'm askingfor hat just completely miss the picture.

Battle Dreams

Crisp morning air, cold enough to see my breath. The humidity wrapped around us like a blanket. The air still, the salty taste of sweat and blood is all I can smell. So strong I can taste it. Even though the clouds are among us, I can see for miles ahead. Kneeling down for rest, I feel the ground wet from the previous night's rain.

I hear the horns ring out and the screaming of the enemy preparing for another attack. I close my eyes and take a deep breath only focusing on filling my lungs with oxygen.

I hear the horns again. The ground rumbles and shakes. The battle lines have been drawn. The fight must continue.

The horns ring out once more. I stand to my feet. I look at the soldiers standing with me, behind me, in front of me all prepared for what is ahead.

Another morning of battle.
Another chance for progress.
We are prepared and willing to sacrifice our lives.

I wait patiently for my signal.

I wake up. Turn off my alarm.
Another morning of battle.
Another chance for progress.
Are we prepared and willing to sacrifice our lives?

Victory in Progress

I had an interesting conversation today.

Man: I think I would enjoy taking you out.
Me: Oh, ummm.
Man: Yes. I think I would. Not because of what you look like on the outside. *shaking his head vigorously* Not really my type. But I think you are beautiful on the inside.
Me: Oh wow....Ummm....no thank you. *Walk away quickly*

Yesterday, Graham Cooke said this on his FB page:
"Every single issue in your life is a possibility for something wonderful to occur. Everything in your life is designed for your upgrade. Everything the enemy does, Jesus can joyfully overturn. We are the people who are following that perspective." (From The Art of Thinking Brilliantly)

I am confident that the only reason I am not phased by this conversation earlier is because I read that two days ago. I know it sounds strange, but I think it's funny. I feel kinda bad for the guy and I walked away quickly to attempt to lessen his embarrassment from rejection.

A couple weeks ago, this man would have really hurt my feelings. Today, I feel nothing.
What an liberating accomplishment this is for me!

Let me just repeat this- "Everything in your life is designed for your upgrade." What a crazy amazing truth that is!

On Sunday, my Pastor asked us a very important question, that just so happens to go along with what I have been lead to reading in my Bible, which just so happens to go along with my conversations with friends, which just so happens to go along with the book by Kris Vallotton and Bill Johnson that I'm reading....a lot of 'coincidence' means it's NOT a 'coincidence', by the way. ;)

The question in all of these different areas of my life basically boils down to this....What if we lived like we really believed His promises were true? Well today I got a taste of this freedom.

I didn't have to reassure myself or pick myself up. It just really didn't phase me. ha! And all I can do it laugh because God is so good. Another thing my Pastor said was this truth that has CHANGED. MY. LIFE. (side note- I love my wise, God-fearing Pastor and I'm so thankful for his humble, honest, Spirit-led heart!)

"God is always consistent in his character but unpredictable in His behavior." -Fred Nelson

We have to be in love with WHO God is, not WHAT God does.
This could have been a heart breaking conversation in WalMart. I could have left in tears thinking that it was just another man in my life that didn't want me. But those thoughts never even crossed my mind. I was laughing to myself as I left WalMart, pleased and affirmed that He saw goodness in me.

I do not write this to toot my own horn of how great I responded. I write this to record a victory.
A victory over self-doubt and self-conscious thoughts and behaviors that have ruled over my life.
A record of the goodness of God. A written THANK YOU to God for protecting my heart, validating my soul and filling me to overflow so there are no voids.

Victory is not only accomplished in outcome. Victory is accomplished in progress. I will never be perfect, but this was a huge victory for me. Not done by me, but by Him through me.

THAT is exciting.

Nostalgia

I don't know what he was saying. Asking me a question, maybe? I'm not sure but I could hear his voice. He laughed. Oh, how I miss hearing him laugh. Was I supposed to laugh? I don't know. I don't know what he just said. Silence. Wait, come back. Just say another word. Another sentence. Please. I hear him say "hello" and I respond telling him that I am there. I mutter a lie that the phone has bad connection when really its just a bad connection in my brain. Flashbacks. Flashbacks to him wearing his brown leather jacket standing in my little one bedroom apartment. It was the first time he had been there and he looked so handsome. Flashbacks of driving to Florida to introduce him to my friends. It was the first time I had been back in a while and we made so many good memories. Memories. Memories of playing pool at Papa Murphy's in Lawton. Memories of dancing in the parking lot under the moon. Memories of the dang Lawton birds exploding the transformers and knocking the whole apartment's power out. We didn't care. We just sat in the dark in each others arms and it was perfect. Memories of finding notes in my cabinets telling me how beautiful I was and that he had never been happier. I was happy too.

I hear a 'hello' again. I close my eyes. For a moment, just a moment he is calling me to ask me what we were going to do this evening, or maybe to plan a date, or maybe to say that we should go somewhere to watch football. Just for a moment, he is calling me to tell me that he loves me or to get Ryot's shoe size because he found a pair that he just had to buy for her. Just hearing his voice through the phone takes me back to those days. Those happy days. Those crazy days. Those funny days.

But those days are no more. I don't want them back now because I already know the outcome of that love story. It doesn't end really well. So that person, whoever he was, is dead. Long gone. I miss that person. The carcass that is left is someone I must deal with, but I have no connection to. No past. No future. Just a weird present where the most basic form of communication is required on an occasional basis.

So I just like to remember the good times and look forward to the great times I have ahead. I was happy then, but that happiness was fleeting as is custom with death. I have a new love now. Actually, I've loved Him for many years, but always struggled with giving Him my whole heart.

He died as well. A horrific, terrifying death. But death could not hold him. He is risen!

I can't explain this love for fear of not describing the full effect as eloquently as this great love deserves. All I can say is that I have NEVER been happier, more fulfilled, more wanted, more desired, more listened to, more cared for, more full, more lifted, more excited, more challenged, more trusted, more LOVED than I do now.

I don't have all the answers. I make a lot of mistakes. But that's the incredible thing. He doesn't want a relationship with me because I look like a Victoria Secret Model or because I have a PhD or because I have nice things or a lot of money. He loves me for who I am. How is that possible? Because He created me.

I'm not scientifically inclined. I can't explain all the mysteries. All I have is what I know, what I have experienced and how I feel.

No one will ever love me as much as God does.
No one will ever love you as much as God does.
That is not a feeling.
That is a fact.

Irritated now.

You tell me that I don't have to be crafty and it will still only take me 10 minutes.
You tell me that its so easy and really cheap to accomplish.

Well guess what?!?!
When you tell me these things and its 2 hours later....
When you tell me these things and I have cuts, pokes, and scratches from inanimate objects....
When you tell me this and my sweet girl falls asleep on the couch watching a movie instead of cuddling with me....
When you tell me these things and I still haven't accomplished my project....

I'm going to be angry. When I told you that I wasn't crafty, I wasn't exhibiting false modesty.

I'M REALLY NOT CRAFTY.

So some of you might ask why did I take on a project I knew that I couldn't do?
I was 'giving it a shot'
I was 'stepping outside my comfort and zone'
I was 'trying something new'
It sucked. And now I've lost 2 hours, $15 cuddling with my baby and I STILL need to finish the project by tomorrow somehow. And I've gained a whole lot of frustration over something that doesn't even matter in life and a bunch of annoying cuts, scrapes and scratches.

I tried and I failed. Not only did i fail, but I wasted time and money. Not only that but I tried to do something that wasn't even fun. I don't enjoy doing crafty stuff unless its with kids. Its just not my strong suit.

Why does this bother me so much? Why was there even a small thought in my mind that I would be able to accomplish this? Why is it a surprise that i couldn't so it. Why does it bother me that I'm not good at this kind of stuff? I don't have to be good at everything.

Tomorrow I will start over.
Tomorrow I will have a better attitude.
Tomorrow i will just go buy what I was trying to make.

Irritated now. Goodnight.

Focus

What drives you? What do you love? What are you passionate about?

What do the answers to those questions reveal about your character? What are positive things you can take away from that?

What are you doing with your life to support your passion? What actions are you taking to make your passions the priority instead of just a far off dream? What things need to change to make your passions a reality?

Who in your life supports you? Are you surrounded by more people who support your dreams and help you achieve your goals? Do the people in your life even know what your passions and talents are?

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. Slowly inhale and feel the oxygen filling your lungs. Slowly exhale and release tension in your muscles. Relax your body, relax your mind.

What do you see? Where do you go? Where is your oasis when you escape the chaos?

Focus your tasks on your priorities.
Focus your priorities on your goals.
Focus your goals on your passions.

Fill your life with people who will not only encourage you but push you to your limit to accomplish your goals.

Life is short. Don't just "do it". Do only what matters.

I will not sink

Today I just can't. I'm trying, but I just can't. I would say that I need a stiff drink, or chocolate, or a massage, or a day off, or something else, but I really just need to take a deep breath and let go of all the things I can't control. I am enough, because God says I am. That is enough for me. That is my solid rock. All other ground is sinking sand.

He is dating again. I tried so hard to make him happy, but I couldn't. Only You could make him happy. But he is "happy" now that he "finally found" the one he had been looking for. I can't control that. He is dating a girl with daughters. Oh, Lord, please protect those precious hearts. Please help him see the impact he has in their lives. Please protect my sweet baby's heart, please. I'm begging you to fill her up so she feels no void. I'm so scared. But I don't have to be. But I am right now. I can't pretend that everything is fine. Because everything is not fine. But God is good. He will be our portion. He made us exactly as we are supposed to be. God, my sweet girl is so perfect and precious, how can he throw her away like he does?! I'm not enough for her, but You are. I can't give her everything she needs, but You can. Please Father, Abba, please save her heart from this hurt. I can't handle it. I can't breathe. I gasp for air, but this air is not what I need. I need You. This is not how it was supposed to be. But I can't change it. I only have what I have now. I'm so confused. I'm so sick to my stomach. I just hurt, but You heal. I just ache, but You soothe. I'm just tired, but You will rejuvenate my soul. I know You will because Your Word says You will.

Psalm 3: "O Lord, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my soul, there is no salvation for him in God. Selah. But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and He answered me from His holy hill. Selah. I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid of many thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around. Arise, O Lord! Save me, O my God! For you strike all my enemies on the cheek; you break the teeth of the wicked. Salvation belongs to the Lord; Your blessing be on your people! "

It doesn't matter if you are broken as long as you are standing on solid ground.

My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand;
all other ground is sinking sand.

Who I was

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...

These are lyrics from Brandon Heath's "I'm not who I was".

Every time I hear this song, I am stopped in my tracks. Maybe its because I am reminded of who I was. The things I did, the people I hurt, the opportunities I neglected. Maybe it's because I am filled with an incredible peace that I don't ever have to go back to being that person ever again. :) I get to be me. I get to accept me for who I am now. I get to embrace all my differences and seek out how God is going to use me in an incredible way to further His kingdom. I can't help but smile when I think about all of the goodness God has poured into my life.

Whatever you are going through, whatever you are addicted to, whatever you have done, it can be removed from you as far as the east is from the west. If you ask - sincerely ask - for His forgiveness, He grants it gladly....GLADLY. He yearns for you to run to Him and fall into His open arms accepting His love and grace in your life. I thought that I was too far gone. But you are never too far gone. Saying that you are too far gone from grace is just like saying that you are too hungry to eat. If you are hungry, eat. If you are thirsty, drink. If you are sad, run to Him. If you are hurting, run to Him. If you are at the end of your rope, run to Him. If you are all alone, run to Him. If you are curious, run to Him. If you are ready to live a life with forgiveness, grace, love and true companionship, then just cry out to God. He will hear you and will set you on a great adventure.

Believing in God is not just a bunch of rules. He is not standing over you with a checklist of do's and don'ts. He wants a real, true, active, conversational, relationship with you. YOU. Your neighbors, your kids, your parents, your friends, your coworkers, your fellow highway commuters, your estranged relatives, your crazy in-laws, your enemies.

Don't base your opinion of God solely on other Christians. Seek out the truth yourself. He WILL reveal the truth to you. Christians are just people. I fail daily. I make a ton of mistakes, but my God is so good and perfect and loving to forgive me when I ask. Do not put any hope in one person. Put all hope in God. He made you, created you with the exact personality that you have for a specific purpose. There are many things you can accomplish and overcome. You can. I know you can. And I'm excited for you to be able to look back and say "I'm not who I was".

It truly is a great feeling.

My Best Bestie is a Super Ninja

When I think about my friends, immediately a smile comes across my face. It may be a sad smile of how much I miss them. Or a laughing smile while thinking of all the crazy times. Or just a plain happy go lucky smile because I seriously have the best best friends in the world. And they ALL are far away.

Bestie plus puppies and Shayda - Florida
Angeline plus hubby and Nids plus family - Colorado
Nikki plus Monster - Oklahoma

A fellow blogger posted a list of prompts of blogging topics/questions to help stir the creativity in writing. Today's prompt is: "Write down your last sent text message."

Mine was "I guess I can manage".

I wonder what that makes you think of. You, readers. I'm laughing because written all by itself it can mean so many different things. If this were a discussion board I would just leave it at that just so I could see the guesses. But since this is a blog post that you will read in your spare time, I will reveal the context.

Can I just say one more time that I have the best Bestie in the whole world?

I am living.

There are some things that I think I want to be, but not really. I watch cupcake wars and think how incredible it would be to create those edible masterpieces. But then I realize I really don't want that because I am NOT thrilled with the idea of baking something and waiting for it to freeze and then spending hours upon hours on itty bitty little details to make 3000 flowers on a cake. I like how the finished product looks and I want to eat it, but I do not want to create it. I see amazing gardens of freshly grown organic produce and am in awe. I think about how wonderful that would be to just go in my backyard and pick fresh tomatoes to add to my salad. But then I think about building the boxes like Mama VP is doing here. And I think about all of the money put toward soil and soil additives and seeds. And then I think about all the time into making sure certain plants get a lot of water and others get a little bit of sun but not too much. Oh my, overwhelming. That is NOT my thing. I like the idea of being an organic vegetarian, bohemian, "crunchy", natural, artsy, cool mom.....pretty much a compilation of all my friends.....but that just isn't me. Of all the years of comparing myself to those around me I realized something that profoundly changed my life:

If you really want to be something, you have to want the process of becoming that something as well.

Let me tell you a little story: The only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom. Sure, there were other things like becoming a teacher or one season of my life I wanted to be a pilot, but my heart just wanted to be a mom. When I was 19, I went to a Dr. who diagnosed me with PCOS- Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome (You can learn more about PCOS here: What is PCOS?) The doctor told me that there was a 80% chance with my symptoms and history that I might not be able to have children. I bawled for weeks. I lost soooo much weight. I was severely depressed. I mean, this is who I was. I KNEW this was what I was supposed to be. I just knew it. I wasn't eating. I was working two different jobs from 4am to 11pm. One of the jobs was working at two different photography studios where I had to take pictures of families, pregnant women and newborns constantly. I wasn't interacting with friends or family. I was just miserable. Then I woke up in the hospital. I can't really remember what happened. I was told that I had a seizure while driving from Norman, OK to Lawton, OK after I finished one of my jobs. I was talking on the phone to a friend and he came and picked me up from a Love gas station that he had me pull into. He drove me to the hospital and I was there for several days. While at the hospital I was severely malnourished, dehydrated and had several more seizures. They did all sorts of tests and scans and couldn't find any chemical imbalance or problem in my brain. This is what they did find: I have an abnormal heart rhythym and my resting heart rate is 30(normal resting heart rate is between 60-100). They noticed that when I was stressed, my heart rate spiked and that's when I would pass out and have the seizure. They are called Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures and are emotional and stress-related.

 

Nothing really crossed my mind until I woke up in the hospital bed one day with this pain on the back of my leg. With the nurses help, I got up and looked on the back of my leg to see a spider bite. Seriously?! It was at that moment that I just asked myself the big "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" question. Sure PCOS sucks and ruined my idea of what life is supposed to look like, but it's not cancer. I wasn't dying.

 

But I wasn't living either.

 

I checked myself out of the hospital that day and decided to start living. A lot of other crazy things have happened between then and now. Those stories I will save for a later time, if I ever tell them at all. But this is a major point that helped me define who I am. The dehydration, the sickness, the depression, the hospital stay - it was all caused by me defining who I was from what had happened to me. It all could have been avoided.

 

I am living with a low resting heart rate which means that every time I have to be hooked up to the heart rate monitor at the hospital, it will beep and nurses will rush in to see if I am still alive. Annoying when you are in labor and trying to get sleep? yes, but not life-threatening.

 

I am living with PCOS which means that I am truly blessed that me and my little girl conquered that negative 80% chance that I would never get to see her sweet smiling face. I may never get to experience another pregnancy, but I will not let that define WHO I am.

 

I am 24 which means that I have a lot of life to live, but I will not let others look down on me because of my age. I will be confident in what I have learned because God does not impart great wisdom with great age, He imparts great wisdom with great faith.

 

I am divorced. I am average. I am a little fluffy and curvy. I am not the smartest or the prettiest or the most entertaining. But I will not be defined by anything that I have done or haven't done. This is merely life. The testing and the baby steps. The trying and failing. The success and memories. The effort and the reward. The consequences and the second chances. Taking deep breaths of God-given fresh air. Smiling often and laughing even more. Taking too many pictures. Being love to those around me. Who I was is not who I am now. Who I am is not who I want to be indefinitely. Because I don't want to just be, period. I want to continue to be on and on and again and more. Growing, nurturing, loving, being.

 

One day at a time.

 

So who am I? I am living.

Psalm 34

¹ I will extol the Lord at all times;     his praise will always be on my lips. ² I will glory in the Lord;     let the afflicted hear and rejoice. ³ Glorify the Lord with me;     let us exalt his name together.⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me;     he delivered me from all my fears. ⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;     their faces are never covered with shame. ⁶ This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;     he saved him out of all his troubles. ⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,     and he delivers them. ⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good;     blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. ⁹ Fear the Lord, you his holy people,     for those who fear him lack nothing. ¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,     but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. ¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;     I will teach you the fear of the Lord. ¹² Whoever of you loves life     and desires to see many good days, ¹³ keep your tongue from evil     and your lips from telling lies. ¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;     seek peace and pursue it.¹⁵ The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,     and his ears are attentive to their cry; ¹⁶ but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,     to blot out their name from the earth.¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;     he delivers them from all their troubles. ¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.¹⁹ The righteous person may have many troubles,     but the Lord delivers him from them all; ²⁰ he protects all his bones,     not one of them will be broken.²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;     the foes of the righteous will be condemned. ²² The Lord will rescue his servants;     no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Vs. 18 over and over and over.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

It hasn't hit me this hard in a long time, but the past couple days have been horrible on the broken heart scale.

I. can't. breathe.

I destroyed that coffee!

Happy Monday!!!

A couple weeks ago, I was explaining to one of my employees that our timesheets show the week as Monday through Sunday. He said, "Ugh, I hate Mondays." This is a known worldwide sentiment. There are ecards, funny posters, quotes and sayings all pointing to the fact of how dreadful Mondays are. I wake up, have to slap makeup on my face, wear something other than sweatpants, interact with people and attack the massive stacks of paperwork on my desk. It's a daunting task to come in on Monday when the work was slowly piling up all weekend. It doesn't help much if you are recouping from a busy weekend, either.

Last night, the sweetness decided to sleep catty corner while slicing me with her toe nail knives and kicking me in the spleen. She had a bad dream at 1:00am and at 3:00am was asking for cake. No darling, you can not have cake at 3am. Please sleep? I know, I know...how unfair am I?! She went back to sleep shortly after and my lovely alarm buzzed just two hours later at 5am. I would love to say that I got up, had peaceful quiet time with my Bible and a warm cup of coffee. I would love to say that I took a shower and packed a healthy lunch for the day. But I would be bold face lying. I stayed in bed until 630am. Awake, but under those heavenly warm covers cuddled with my now sweetly sleeping angel which compared to the night ninja a couple hours ago was more than enough reason to stay put. I did finally get out of bed and rushed to get ready. Thankfully I did laundry this weekend, so I threw on clothes and my work hat.

Brief Digression: I only wear this work hat when I'm having a bad hair day or an I-just-didn't-fix-my-hair-day. My bosses perceive it as company loyalty, so it's a win-win for me! Seriously, all three of my bosses today at some point will say "nice hat" with that big prideful grin on their face. Oh, if they only knew the mad swirl of hair chaos that is happening under their pink/camo work logo. But there is no need to disclose this information.

Due to this eventful night and rushed morning, I stopped by Starbucks. I thought I would be clever and get a Venti instead of a Grande. I imagined myself taking my time sipping on this warm Quad Soy No Whip Mocha. I even thought I would need to reheat it at some point so that I could continue to sip on it throughout my morning. I would let it gradually wake me up as I began my work day. Oh no. Not the case here.

I destroyed that coffee.

 

I received the coffee at 7:50am. As I type, it is 8:30am and that coffee is gone. Destroyed. Annihilated. Comfortably resting in my stomach. The cup? Sadly in the bottom of the trash can. It's short little life purpose lived out in only 40 minutes.

 

Now what do I do for the next 8 hours?

5 Min Friday! Jumbled Mess

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

I just typed and retyped several paragraphs on several different topics trying to come up with this post. It's not that I can't find the words to say. It's not that I'm worried if the content will be relevant or interesting. I'm not even worried about how it will make me look or seem to my readers. All of the gunk, thoughts, emotions and stuff are just more intertwined to my heart than I realized before I started typing. I know, I know, this goes against the whole premise of 5 Min Fridays, because there has been WAY too much editing, proofreading and deleting. I'm just not ready to share this stuff quite yet. I have no problem with being open and honest about my life. I don't have vulnerability issues or fears of judgment for being transparent. I just have a couple things to figure out before I offload the chaos happening inside me right now.

Things I will divulge:

1. I received something in the mail that I have been waiting for 3 months to receive. Part 1 of a 4 step progress - complete! I have to be thankful for progress right?

2. Due to a conversation I had earlier, I am even more motivated to be more active with Ryot. Tonight I plan to take her to a small little park by our apartment that we frequent because of the squirrels, rabbits and owners with their dogs. Ryot just loves it and I love it when she just loves something. :)

3. I had a sadhappy moment today. I saw two people celebrating 5 year anniversaries, a new baby being born in the family, and countless others gushing from people about how much they love/admire/cherish/enjoy their significant others. I had a split moment of "that should be me" which quickly turned into my thought that I have never in my whole life been more satisfied and in love with my great Creator than I am now. And that alone is worth it to me.

So 5 Min Fridays, you can kiss my butt. I'm a rebel today.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am declaring thankful Thursday. Here are just 3 things on the list of many that I am thankful for. (In no particular order)

1. I'm thankful for suggestions/posts/blogs/conversations from friends. Just in a week's worth of time, I have been enlightened to help ease my workload, encouraged to be the free thinking, loving mom that I am and been led through a life-changing spirit-firing holy of holies experience with my Creator.

2. I'm thankful for these beautiful flowers that bring a smile to my face. It's just something about the way they are being exactly who they are supposed to be. They don't argue or complain. They just are, because that is how they were created. These flowers, right here in front of me, were created to serve the purpose of putting a smile on my face. So thankful for little pleasures like these.

3. I'm thankful for the US Postal Service. In the past month I have started writing letters again and have recently mailed a few packages. I'm really thankful I don't have to ride the Pony Express to deliver my letter across country.

I'm not a SAHM

Today my friend Hannah received some not so nice words from an obviously unhappy woman in Subway. This woman made cutting remarks calling Hannah lazy for being a (SAHM) stay at home mom. I don't get angry at stay at home moms, but I do get jealous. It is something that I seriously have to give to God every time it pops in my head. I see pictures of moms doing art projects or playing at the splash pad. I see updates of families going to the zoo or visiting friends for play dates and it makes me a little sad. Ryot and I go to the pool occasionally when I get off work, but she is usually so tired from her play day at daycare that a later bedtime means a groggier start to the next day so it really is like a once a week treat. We reserve that kind of fun for the weekend.

Ryot is getting to the age where she really loves to help me do things around the house. She loves to wash "wabee"(water) so she helps me with the dishes which really just creates more work for me. But I just think it is so important for her to spend time with me and learn responsibility at the same time. I drop Ryot off at 730am and I don't pick her up until 530pm. Even typing that out and thinking about those hours honestly makes me sick to my stomach. I didn't have a child to have someone else raise her! But I don't have a choice. I don't have the option of staying at home. There is only me. Sure, I could quit my job and live off of government assistance, but that's not how I was raised. I am working really hard to provide for Ryot financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This is ONLY possible by getting my resources from God. His money, His heart, His strength, His guidance, His joy.

I like working. In fact, I love my job. I love the intellectual challenge and interaction. I love learning new things. I love the to do list being checked off. I have great rapport and relationships with my clients, vendors, employees, coworkers and bosses. I just miss her. I just point blank miss her every second of every day. I have two pictures on my desk of her and I just stare at her in awe of such a beautiful creation and gift from God. I love working, but I love going home more.
I am not the perfect mom, not even close. I raise my voice sometimes. Sometimes I don't pay attention to her, but then immediately I am gut-wrenching sorry. Sometimes I hide her Strawberry Shortcake movie. Sometimes I specifically eat chocolate after she goes to bed because I don't want to share. Sometimes I pray for a longer nap time. Sometimes I buy coffee instead of stickers or something that Ryot would really love. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I just don't have what it takes.

Right now I want to erase that whole last paragraph so no one knows of my selfishness sometimes. But even through my selfishness, there is no one on this planet who loves that little girl more than me. I have more good days/moments than bad ones, but I am doing the best that I can. Hannah is not better than me for staying at home to care for her two rambunctious boys. I am not better than Hannah for working full time. It doesn't matter if her house is cleaner than mine or if I get more "free" time than she does.

If you are a stay at home mom, how about you provide a home-cooked meal for a working mom so that is one less thing for her to do?

If you are a working mom, how about you offer to watch her kids for a couple hours on your weekend so she can go pamper herself or relax for a little bit?

What matters is that we both love our babies the most that anyone could possibly accomplish and strive everyday to give them what they need. We, as moms, need to team together to encourage each other instead of cut each other down.

*off of soap box now*

What is Kayla made of?

What are little boys made of? What are little boys made of?

Slugs and snails

And puppy-dogs' tails,

That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of? What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice

And everything nice,

 

That's what little girls are made of.

But what am I made of? How does my family describe me? What would my friends say is my biggest motivation? How would strangers characterize me? Would they say I am made of "sugar and spice and everything nice"?

Your actions depict your priorities and its no secret that humans do what they want to do. We are all about choices. What I wear, eat, listen to, do, who I hang out with, where I go, what I spend my money on and how I react to circumstances are all characteristics of my priorities. What do I spend my time on? What is my definition of "rejuvenation"? How do I find comfort? What are my pet peeves? What makes me smile? What makes me laugh and why?

Am I spending too much time on social media?

Am I not spending enough time in the quiet? Am I taking care of my body? Am I a contributing member of society? Am I helpful? Am I loving the people around me? Am I choosing what is right? Am I being bold? Am I making the most of the opportunities before me? Am I being a good steward of my time and relationships? Am I blessing those around me? Are they encouraged or burdened with my friendship?

I want the stuff in my life to matter. I want my life to be a reflection of the goodness of God. I want my testimony to not show me, my strength or my courage, because it is not me that has conquered any obstacles.

I want to make things happen for the bigger picture. I want to make my Abba Father proud. I want to learn as much as I can so I can pass it on to Ryot. I want, need, gotta have something better than what this world can offer.

I want to make things happen.

Ryot Update *Almost* 26 Months

Tonight, Ryot told me she was 2 and named all the following body parts: head, hair, 'ingers', hands, 'ohms' (arms), bobos (elbows), legs, feet, toes, knees, byee(belly), button (belly button), booee (booty), ears, eyes, 'teet' (teeth), chin and 'mou' (mouth).

She is 28 lbs and really tall. I know that's not a measurement but she easily fits in both 2t and 3t clothes. She has big feet, size 8! Her hair is the perfect sandy strawberry blonde color. It is getting longer but she still has a mullet.

She loves to play outside and run with the boys but tonight wanted to wear this tutu to be a 'peenchess'. :)





She loves to 'bead' (read) and 'pay' (pray) before bed. She loves to have her 'beebee' (blanket) to sleep in mommy's 'big bed'. She hugs random people in random places and tells them that they are 'petty' (pretty). She loves her school and her best friend is a little boy named Jojo. All her stuffed animals are named Jojo or Jane. She points things out to me by saying watch or see? She loves to dance and will talk on the phone if she is in the mood.

She is a HUGE cuddle bug and definitely mama's little girl.  I love every minute. She loves to brush her teeth...all the time. She is a very picky eater. She loves shoes and shopping and drawing. She loves to swim or anything that has to do with 'wabee' (water) i.e. drinking fountain rains, swimming pools, sinks, bath tubs, puddles. She loves to drive under the freeway or under bridges. No matter what she is doing she stops and says 'ooo wow' and gets excited.

Common phrases:
-Ant bite. Not nice.
-He/She's sad. (Which then she tells me that she wants to buy them a hat and shoes and juice to make them happy again)
-see ya gator!
-bye guys! (Instead of just bye bye)
-i 'an ju (I want juice)
-you peenchess. I peenchess. (Meaning princess. Then she dances)
-stop...shhhhhh (when I ask her too many questions when we are learning)
-'tahnkyou Jesus men-men' (thank you Jesus amen)

I'm sure there are tons more but that is what came to mind.

I know I talk about her all the time. I just want to remember everything. I just want to remember what she says and how she looks and smells. What she likes and doesn't like. How she makes me feel. How she interacts with others. I want to soak it in and remember every moment. I want to create memories that she will never forget.

If something ever happens to me I want her to know that there was no one on this earth that I loved more than her.

My little heartbeat.

God is I am

How do you write when you wake up and everything is different? Better?

How do you articulate the perfect nature of a great God?

How can you encounter His goodness and not be changed?

I'm ready for Tuesday now

 

I wasn't expecting that.
And I didn't want it.
I just wanted a small break from work.
I just wanted to go get some lunch.

I'm not hungry anymore.
I'm ready for Tuesday now, thanks.

 

Sometimes I am just at a loss for words. She is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in my life. She lights up the room when she walks in. She is determined and stubborn so it is so much fun to see her overcome obstacles.

She is growing way too fast but I am enjoying every minute of it. She is charming. She is hilarious. She really is the coolest kid ever. I am so blessed. How can you not love this kid? She is my favorite. Ever. The Sweetness.

Tomorrow will include church, special lunch with friends, laundry and just chilling.
I. Am. So. Excited. I want it to be tomorrow already. Eeeeek. I want to wake her up right now to cuddle and play with her.

But you NEVER wake a sleeping child. Ever.