Day Three, found my flavor!

My Journey: Day Three

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

7:00am- I woke up late. Ugh. I can't find my phone. Did my alarm go off? Did I set my alarm last night? Where is my phone, seriously? Not on the side of the bed, not under the bed here, not on Ryot's side, not in the bed, not at the foot of the bed. I can't really see behind the headboard. Did my alarm go off earlier and I got up? Checking downstairs. No, I thought I remember having it in the bed with me at one point. Maybe I got up and went to the bathroom? No, I'm pretty sure I had the phone in the bed. I moved the mattress and sure enough there is was slightly under the bed by the headboard.

How many times have I done that with other things in my life? I think something is true but I can't see the outcome or where I'm headed so I start to question if maybe I am delusional or I should be looking somewhere else. My gut told me that my phone was under the bed but I let my mind take me on a rabbit trail instead. Too many times in my life I have grabbed at untruths when if I would dig a little deeper I would have found the real truth that I knew all alone.

Denial doesn't actually change the outcome, it merely delays the inevitable.

7:30am- Somehow I got myself ready, Sweetness ready, grabbed all the items I needed and drank my spark all in 20 minutes after finding my phone. I don't look that great but no one will say anything because I work with some smart men. Ha!

When I drank my Spark this morning, I had a revelation. Everyone rants and raves about this Advo Crack and I honestly had no idea what they were talking about. I hadn't really tried one that I loved yet. Well first, when you cut junk out of your life, the real stuff starts to taste good. This is true in all the areas of your life. When you cut out the excess of distractions, you can really appreciate the goodness around you. With the Spark this morning, I tried the Pink Lemonade with the new way I have been mixing them and I think I found my soulmate, well my Sparkmate at least. I am officially hooked.

What did I do, you ask? When I woke up this morning, after finding my phone, I put 8 oz of water in a cup in the freezer. When I was ready to drink my Spark, I got a smaller cup and let the water slowly pour into the cup while I stirred in the Spark packet. Voila! No clumps! Then I mixed that small amount of Spark with the water in the freezer so it was really cold! I took a sip and it was like I was transported back to summer as a kid, drinking pink lemonade on a hot afternoon. Y'all, I'm in love.

So I urge you, from the realist part of me, keep pressing on. Try every flavor of Spark until you find your favorite. My favorites are grape and pink lemonade. I could drink that pink lemonade all day, but I don't need to because that one little pink lemonade packet gives me energy almost all day long! I used to drink coffee all day. I made a pot and I would sip on it all day long. I never thought that I would get to the point where I didn't need coffee but here I am! I am looking forward to introducing coffee back in to my diet because I really do love it, but never again will I be addicted to it!

9:30am- Time for breakfast and it's a good thing because I am hungry! The Fiber Drink was easy again. The key is to just gulp it down really fast right after you make it like you are dying of thirst. Then you don't really taste it too much. The Meal Replacement Shake was downed with no problem as well. I noticed today that I enjoyed drinking it this time instead of dreading it like I did the first day. I have grown accustomed to its texture and now I don't mind it at all.

I'm loving this change. I have never had more energy in my life! You have to give your mind and your body time to recognize the change before you can embrace it.

10:30am- Three Catalyst downed like a boss!

12:30pm- I'm on a roll. I've never gotten that much done in one sitting before. I ate a delicious salad and drank a ton of water. I have no idea where all the time is going today.

I had an employee offer me chocolate and I politely declined. He proceeded to offer again and stick the chocolate in my face taunting me saying "You know you want a piece." I politely declined again and told him that I was doing really well with my eating habits and I didn't need that right then. He got a little pushy and somewhat irritated asking me, "I thought that chocolate was what women really wanted?". Still trying to deny it and continue working, I may have sounded a bit more harsh than I would like to when I told him yet again I did not want any chocolate and to please leave my office. He didn't need anything in my office so I didn't feel too bad asking him to leave. He got upset and said that he "tries to do something nice and this is what I get?" I just kept working and tried to get my mind off of chocolate.

2:00pm- Catalyst yet again has met it's match. Done!

The exchange I had earlier with the employee is still on my mind. It was a nice gesture and I was nice in declining at first, but it just wasn't what I wanted or needed to add to my plan for the day.

It makes me think...I wonder how many times I try to please God or earn His favor by filling my schedule with things that might be great things, but aren't what He has for me? There is no doubt that there are hundreds of good, even great, things that we all can be doing. But if it distracts, or hinders us from what we should be doing, what God has for us, then it's not what we really should be spending our time, efforts, finances, etc. on. Only God and I know what that is specifically for my life. And I'm still figuring all of that out. What is most important? Where does God want to use me?

5:00pm- I drank another Spark. I was feeling a little slow having worked so hard earlier and I needed something to pick me back up and keep me focused. It also helped hold me over until I could eat dinner.

It's Thursday so we have Lifegroup with my church family. This is one of my favorite nights of the week! I was a little nervous because we usually have sweets as a snack but I read an email that one of the girls was bringing hummus and chips instead. I'm not at all tempter by hummus and chips so I was safe. It was a direct blessing and protection from the Lord.

I drank a meal replacement shake because I didn't have time to get anything healthy on the way; no fast food would have worked. One of my friends ate a girl scout cookie and it didn't even bother me! Sure I want sweets but before I would have eaten anything and now I'm more conscious about what would actually be worth wasting those calories on. That is a HUGE improvement. I drank so much water that I think it was actually a distraction. It helped that Sweetness was calling my name, so every time she called, I got to get up, pee, and refill my water bottle. I swear the water is literally just running through me. Am I even soaking anything up? I drank 6 of my TMNT mug full of water. That's 96oz on top of the 88oz I had at work. Too much? I don't know but I was craving it and was so thirsty!

12:30am- Finally going to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Recap: I did really well today. I am actually really enjoying the products now and hopeful that I will see some results in a couple more weeks. I have more energy and I'm slowly but surely losing my cravings for all that is sweet. Making progress!

Day Two, a wonderful surprise

My Journey: Day Two

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

5:30am- I enjoyed 6.5 hours of sleep and I only woke up once!

5:45am- Am I really so delusional as to expect results after day one? Then why am I standing in front of the mirror cursing my stretch marks and scars that plague my stomach? I read online those beautiful  posts about women who love their stretch marks. I can't help but wonder if it's all for show on the internet or if it really is possible to have those marks empower you with confidence instead of weigh you down. After all they are a representation of the precious miracle that brought the sweetness into the world.

Thinking about it, I don't detest anything as constantly quite like the way I do my body. I wish my heart would hurt for my sin and a lost world like it does when I try to buy clothes, or look in the mirror, or sit in an unflattering position, or have to be in any full body pictures. I wish my heart broke when I didn't trust God completely. I wish my heart ached when I looked in the mirror, not because what I look like but because there have been countless others who have looked in their mirrors who were so alone, lost and in need of love and acceptance, but were too overwhelmed with like so they decided to end it all. That is totally worth crying over. I mean, I'm not callous to the world around me. I think about the injustice in the world and my heart aches thinking about orphans that need homes, women who are in slavery from human trafficking, and children and adults alike who are dying from cancer and don't have the same freedoms as me because they are isolated to a hospital bed. I think about these things on a regular basis.

My heart does ache for the world around me and my influence in it. But it should ache more often for those things that matter to Him instead of this hook I often get hung on that makes no difference to the kingdom. And the kingdom is all the matters. It makes me angry at myself. I want to scream,

GET IT TOGETHER!

But I've tried on my own and failed numerous times. Today is only day 2, there are endless possibilities for the next 22 days!I'm asking God to renew my heart and He is always faithful so I'm excited for the results for both my heart for Him and this wretched carcass!

6:30am- I like Grape Spark. However, Grape Spark does not taste great directly after brushing your teeth. As soon as I opened the packet it smelled like grape fun dip. I was actually excited to try it. It really wasn't that bad even with the toothpaste taste additive. I'm sure I will be golden for tomorrow. Again, I chugged it on the way to work in between stoplights. As I was finishing it, the cup was completely upside down in the air so I could get every drop. I looked over and a man in his car was staring at me with an odd expression while sipping his coffee. I just smiled awkwardly and drove away. Saved by the green light!

7:00am- God always has spoken to me through music. It's so hard to remain the same once you realize that everything is for His glory. I heard this song and couldn't help but be thankful for this journey with all it's struggles. The song I heard was God with Us by MercyMe. At the end of the song it says,

Such a tiny offering

Compared to Calvary

But nevertheless

We lay it at Your feet

Even though this crap that I'm struggling with seems dumb to some people, it still is an issue of the heart which is important to God., So I choose to lay it at His feet and believe for change and a renewed mind and spirit, knowing full well that He is faithful, He cares about my heart and He will be glorified.

10:00am- The Fiber Drink was gulped down in one breath which is nice so I don't have to taste it much. Then the MRS was gulped down while talking to my boss and coworkers about losing weight. They have been going to the gym and eating right. And guess what?! All three of them in the past month have bought Advocare products from me! I never expected to be in the position to actually sell anything. I just signed up so that I could have the option if people wanted to and because I wanted a discount! They weren't big orders but it's something!

I was able to encourage them to stick with the products because it only gets better and better. And I could say that because it is actually true! Now if only they would come to church with me as easily as they jumped on the Advocare bandwagon. All their spunk, eagerness and leadership is definitely needed in the kingdom! They would be wonderful assets to our family at Antioch. So the question is, do I live in such a way that would make them want to visit my church with me? What do they see that's different about my life than theirs? I just know they would be so much happier if they were seriously seeking the Lord. He gives peace and joy that overshadows any problem. And I'm not saying this because it's what I was taught but because it is something I have experiences over and over and over throughout my life.

11:30am- I just drank so much water that I thought I would drown. But the only things drowning are my Catalyst pills.

1:00pm- I had a deadling to reach for work that was slightly stressful. I was behind for a bit, but I made it just in time and was about to head out to lunch when -

BAM!!!!!

In walked my handsome Mr. with roses and fruit. He said he was going to get me candy but got me fruit instead. What a wonderful surprise from my supportive man! It was so completely unexpected and I was so happy that I didn't realize that two of his birthday presents were just sitting on my desk for him to see. Oops. I had just gotten them in the mail an hour before and wasn't expecting him to show up, but since he got them early we just decided to make this is birthday month and he could have a present every week! Sometimes, you just gotta go with the flow. He felt so bad but it didn't bother me. I'm just glad that he likes them! We went out to lunch and I had a salad and water. It was delicious but it was really hard to not order queso or a Dr. Pepper.

4:00pm- I ate the fruit that Mr. brought me earlier. I think it was the best pineapple that I've ever had in my life. I told my coworker that I don't know if it really is the best pineapple or if it just tastes the best because I haven't been eating junk. I don't care either way because it was a delicious and perfect snack.

6:00pm- When we got home from picking her up from daycare, Sweetness rode her bike while I walked outside. she got tired so I had to carry her bike all the way back around the apartment complex to get home. That counts as a work out, right?

7:00pm- I ate dinner and was craving sweets. Something, Anything. So I had some strawberries. I dipped the tips of some of them in Cool Whip. Is that considered cheating? Maybe, but it wasn't that many.

9:30pm- Bed time. Early for some maybe, but I can barely keep my eyes open. I took those nasty Herbal Cleanse pills. yuck. Only 5 more days of those. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

I got up and brushed my teeth and I did a horrible thing. I got on the scale! I know, I know....terrible. And what I saw I did not like. So now I am officially depressed and going to sleep. Good night.

Recap:
Focus inward, not outward, and DON'T GET ON THE SCALE AFTER ONLY A DAY AND A HALF.

Day One, you have been conquered

My Journey: Day One

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

I will not give you my starting weight and measurements because I am mortified to do so. That being said, here is the start:

6:00am- Good Morning. I got 6 hours of sleep. Oh crap I was supposed to be up and moving 30 minutes ago. Where is my coffee? Where are my clothes? Why does nothing fit me anymore!? 

6:30am- I should be leaving for work now but I woke up a little late and I still hadn't taken my before pictures or logged any weight. I begrudgingly wrote down my weight and measurements in my journal. Surely I wasn't as big as what I had to write down. Maybe the scale was broken. Yep, that had to be it. I will say this, taking pictures of your unsatisfactory body is much easier and more enjoyable if you wear something comfortable. Comfort is key.

6:35am- I cried my eyes out and had a ridiculous body shaming session in front of the mirror. i don't know why girls do that to themselves. It's not like its going to make me feel any better about my body after I scrutinize every curve, stretch mark or area I deem problematic. Yet still on a daily basis, more a moment by moment basis, only negativity is thrown at my body like a thick acid rain singeing every part of flesh it touches. I have created more scares and wounds by shaming the scars and wounds I already have. One is of the heart and one is of the body, so which one is worse? I should choose to live peacefully with my outer flaws having confidence in my inner beauty. Instead I burn holes through any shred of confidence I may contain and reduce what could be beautiful to ashes.

It makes me think of the studies I've read and seen about the effect of spoken word on a physical object. In this one study (that of course I can't find online now), a man had two objects; one he spoke kindly to giving encouragement and one that he told he hated. The one who was loved flourished and the one who was hated declined rapidly. I wonder if my thoughts and words have the same effect on my body as those objects. And furthermore I wonder if really believing that you love your body instead of just saying it outloud would make that much of a difference. Hmmm.

7:30am- I may be the only person in the world who doesn't really enjoy Spark. Nevertheless, I still mixed that Watermelon Advo crack in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles travel mug and chugged it in between two stoplights on my way to work. If you have to drink something less than desirable, a fashionable mug or cup will surely help the process. This is why I bought a new blender bottle for my meal replacement shakes. It won't leak and is super cute! Black and pink is chic! And honestly, the Spark really wasn't even that bad. It's not a Dr. Pepper, but it wasn't gross.

9:00am- I can't find my beautiful blender bottle. BOO. First world problems...

10:00am- I still can't find my blender bottle. It might be at home. Either way I have to keep going. Fiber Drink, Chocolate Mocha Meal Replacement Shake and OmegaPlex pills for breakfast! I tried to have breakfast a little earlier but things got crazy at work. 

The Fiber Drink, Peaches and Cream flavor, wasn't as bad as I expected. But maybe that is the key. Maybe I set the bar so disgustingly low because of everyone else's reviews that it had room to surprise me. Ha! The replacement shake and OmegaPlex definitely filled me up. Those along with the fiber drink is 20oz of fluid chalked full of protein, vitamins, and fiber! I really was in shock that I had to drink this much but when I really thought about it, I realized that it totally makes sense. A 20 oz soda isn't even considered a "large" anymore. It's typically a "small" or "regular" and people drink their whole srink, eat their meal and sometimes get refills. So it really isn't that big of a deal to drink that much fluid. Especially since that is my whole meal when I was never a breakfast-eating person to begin with. The OmegaPlex doesn't take up too much room but it's hard to swallow huge horse pills (there's 2 of them) when you are already full! And that's not just a normal full from eating a normal meal. It's a REALLY full from having just chugged two different types of drinks. Bleh. But i know this will pay off so I'm sticking to it.

11:30am- Took three Catalyst pills. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

1:00pm- I ate a grilled chicken caesar salad that was delicious! It was refreshing and light and wonderful to actually have real food that I could chew. They put way too much dressing; but I usually ask for dressing on the side and I didn't this time so it was my fault. I also had a banana. It was too ripe for my taste buds to really enjoy is but I survived. SO DON'T PANIC, OKAY?!

2:30pm- Three more Catalyst down. Done and done. 

7:00pm- Dinner time finally! After picking the sweetness up from daycare, stopping by the store for more fruit and veggies, and cooking, it is finally time to eat! I baked some chicken and ate broccoli and squash. It was delicious. I made enough for lunch tomorrow too so I am fully prepared. Preparedness is key! I took my OmegaPlex with dinner and the sweetness thought it was candy. I chuckled a little at the thought of her sticking them in her mouth to find out that they are definitely not candy. She wasn't disappointed for long because I gave her some of a frozen smoothie, oh excuse me I mean ice cream, for dessert. So she got over it. 

7:30pm- I was craving something sweet so after I took my catalyst, I had a small portion of grapes and strawberries. They were fresh and delicious and perfect for my craving! Well almost perfect....I would have loved if those strawberries were dipped in chocolate!

9:30pm- Oh my word those Herbal Cleanse pills have to be worse than the Fiber Drink itself! Nasty. But again, I survived.

10:00pm- Goodnight world. I shall endeavor on another healthy mind, healthy soul, healthy body journey in the morrow.

Recap of the day:

I miss coffee, but I feel good. Surprisingly, I didn't have a caffeine headache which I was fully prepared to counter. I'm thankful for that!! I didn't go to bed feeling heavy and exhausted like I normally do. I actually wrote a little in my journal for a couple minutes before laying down to go to sleep. I did however have to pee right as I laid down but that is the beauty of drinking 84oz of water today. Day One, you have been conquered. 

My Journey: My Craving

My brain works in an odd fashion. I want to tell you about my new journey, but I feel compelled to give a small recount of the stirring that led to my first step.

Fact: I feel inadequate to describe myself except for the things I'm absolutely sure about.

I had an uncomfortable conversation last night. I don't even remember what I was talking about, really, but somehow I said that whatever trait I was talking about wouldn't even be on my top ten list of things I would use to describe myself. Well, the ever-attentive Mr. wouldn't let that opportunity go unnoticed so he asked,

"What would be the top 10 things you would use to describe yourself?"

 

An anxious thud in my heart was the pit of my stomach falling, followed by an awkward silence. 

Oh, I hate this question. 

Most of the time when I'm asked to describe myself in any sort of fashion I feel like any positive note would be bragging. However, I have no qualms trying to help a friend realize their full potential. Such a frustrating attribute about myself. But this isn't about what is frustrating, but what is good. 

One of the top five things that I think describe me has been confirmed to me through other people; some that know me and some that don't. 

To my very core, I am a worshipper at heart.

I just love Jesus, it's just a fact.

Stop. Don't roll your eyes or think ill of this statement, because, you see, I am not a worshipper for reasons that you may be thinking. I am not a worshipper because I have a great voice, want to get away with dancing in a church, or because I am "holier" than the average lady. 

I crave worship. I worship God because I need to, have to. I worship with or without music because I can not survive without it. It's like breathing, grasping for air while I'm being engulfed in a perfect flame. It's an involuntary need for something greater than myself. 

Everyone worships something. Before I came to this realization, I unknowingly clung to several things - relationships, approval of people, Dr. Pepper, and sweets among other things. I was suffocating because I needed connection, approval, love. Sometimes it showed up with a pretty bow that resembled protecting my friends and loyalty. Sometimes it had a fierce stare that stood for justice. Sometimes it took the burden of the world just to fit in. Sometimes it was a warm blanket of comfort as I indulged in the sweets that I craved. I slowly craved more and more. Not one soda, but two or three. Not only the approval of my boss, but my coworkers too. Not just protecting my friends, but taking offense in situations that had nothing to do with me. This is how addiction works. Though I've never done hard drugs, I'm fairly certain the majority of people would admit that you can't just do one hit. It makes you want more, need more, crave more. Like Oreos. You can't eat just ONE Oreo. 

1 Corinthians 6:12 says "'All things are lawful for me', but not all things are helpful. 'All things are lawful for me', but I will not be enslaved by anything."

I believe whole-heartedly that the simple pleasures of this life were meant to be enjoyed. I believe that Coffee is nectar from the heavens itself, puddles were meant to be jumped in, that music has the power to move the soul, and that a sunset was painted for my eyes to see. However, to merely stop at enjoying them makes the cycle incomplete. All is to the glory of God. Each person, place, things, noise, taste, smell is all for the glory of God. The sunset is breath-takingly beautiful, yes, but it exists as such because He painted it, to His glory. If anything overcomes me, it should be for His glory. If it is for His glory, it should produce good fruit. No if's, and's or but's about it. Too much of a good thing can become a bad thing if the heart is not guarded from addiction and there is a shift in the base of self-worth. As hard as it is to admit, I have admitted it a hundred times. The majority of the time that my self-worth slides away from its rightful place, it is because I am focused on my outward appearance. It's this dang carcass! But it is the only one I have and it was given to me for a reason. It is my job to take care of it and do all to the glory of God. 

I have not been taking care of my body. I have not been taking care of my emotions related to my body. It's time for a change. And not just a change to fit into a bridesmaid dress that I will need to wear in May. This needs to happen because it's a battle of wills that I am desperately fighting, and losing. 

I was born to worship. There is no life outside of worship, to any degree. Everyone worships something. The fault is when the worship is either producing bad fruit or when it crowds out the better things that God has to offer.

I want to crave prayer like I crave my afternoon candy treat.

I want to crave time reading my Bible like I crave coffee in the morning.

I want to look at my body and feel confident that I am doing the best I can with what God gave me.

I want to take my portion, and create something even more beautiful when I go home at the end of this life.

So my journey begins. 

I will be taking Advocare products to aid in weightloss, appetite control and to fill my body with vitamins and nutrients so that I can be the best possible version of me that I can. 

This is not merely a weightloss journey. This is a journey for more of Him. This is an area that I struggle with and I feel needs to be addressed right now, but the next chapter might look a little different. No matter how many little journey's I go on of self-improvement, the goal is always Christ. My desire is always for a deeper connection in Him that overshadows any other desire that this world could offer. This world is temporary. He is constant. 

If you are interested in Advocare products, I can tell you what I know.

If you are interested in my great God, I can tell you what I love.

Either way, you are welcome to join me on this crazy ride called life.

What is your Creativity?

"Creativity is the act of turning new and imaginative ideas into reality. Creativity is characterised by the ability to perceive the world in new ways, to find hidden patterns, to make connections between seemingly unrelated phenomena, and to generate solutions. Creativity involves two processes: thinking, then producing. If you have ideas, but don’t act on them, you are imaginative but not creative." - Excerpt from creativityatwork.com.

Creativity is not stuck in a box of charcoal pencils
or an easel
or acrylic paint
or a crocheted blanket.

It's not merely a poem
or lyrics on a page
or a novel
or a magazine.

It can't be solely rhythmic
or strung on a guitar
or played on a piano
or moved with air like chimes.

Creativity is not just one, but a possibility of many.

It's also a solution to a problem
or an idea turned into a conversation
or a rule that's been challenged
or the thought process leading to a decision.

I am not intrigued by paints, pencils or sewing.
I am drawn to connection.
I am fueled by the desire to love and be loved.
I am driven towards solutions.

I am creative through conversation and relationships.

What is your creativity?

Madlib Olympic Commentator

Even though I don't know all of the rules, regulations or scoring requirements, I still enjoy watching the Winter Olympics. My absolute favorite is Curling. The strategy and technique of it intrigues me. I heard on the radio that the average age for the Olympic Curler is in the 30's. Who knows? Maybe I still have a chance. 

I was having trouble coming up with a sufficient amount of information for an eloquent blog post, so you all get a Madlib. Props to my Mr. for his contributions as well. Enjoy!

Personality Quiz

There have been several personality quizzes floating around Facebook recently; most of them from Zimbio.com of buzzfeed.com.

What Disney Sidekick are you?
What Star Trek Character are you?
What Sesame Street Character are you?
What Arrow Character are you?

Most of the time, I disagree with the results I get. Why is that? Am I subconsciously answering the questions incorrectly? I wonder if my insecurities come into play when I'm asked "What is your best attribute?". I know I always think a little harder when asked that question. I wonder if my ideals of the kind of person I want to influence when I'm asked "What do you do on a rainy day?". Is my first answer what I want to be like or the answer I really am? At the point that you receive the less that desirable verdict, do you retake the quiz? Are the results less than desirable because that's not who I want to be or because they don't accurately display who I am? Is there a conflict because who I am and who I want to be are so far off? Are they so far off because I have unrealistic expectations of myself?

That was a lot of questions. Surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly to some of you smarty pants out there, a lot of these answers rest in both categories. I believe sometimes my answer is who I want to be instead of who I really am. Sometimes I would like to think that I am really detail oriented, but I'm not. Sometimes I get this picture in my head of who I would rather be instead of just loving who I am completely. That's not the case all the time, or even most of the time, but definitely hits the grid at some point.

What do you think? Do you agree with your results? Do you agree with my results?

Send Me!

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Not I trust you if...
Not I trust you when...
Not I trust you for now...
No conditions...
No if's, and's, or but's...

A trust without borders. A trust that allows me to jump and fly instead of fall; to step out and walk instead of sink in the water. A trust that defies all gravity, all preconceived notions of how something is supposed to be. Spirit lead me, teach me, talk to me, guide me. Spirit lead me to places I have never been and never thought I could go. Throw my inhibitions to the wind and let me run and never tire. Give me vision. Give me insight. Reveal your heart and desires for my life so I can pursue them without question.

Help me shine your light, and carry your presence like a sweet perfume that all will notice. Open your arms so I can find rest in you. Renew my spirit and send me running back out to a world who needs your love.

Here I am. Send me!

Weekend Recap: Valentines day edition

Weekend recap!

My brain works in weird ways. No, I'm serious. For example, if someone tells me that I am looking good or asked if I have been working out, my next meal will probably be healthy and I am really motivated to work out. If someone asks if I am pregnant, which happens more often than you'd think, or if they say that I've gained weight it seriously is like permission to grab an extra brownie and say 'screw weightloss!' A little backwards, I know. 

You might think that when someone hates their job, they would love their weekends. That is, however, the opposite case for me. I thought I loved my weekends before, but now that I love my job I enjoy my weekends so much more because I don't have the dread of Monday morning hanging over my head. I have an active relationship with a perfect loving God who speaks to and through me on a daily basis. I have the honor of being the mommy to the most adorable and precious little girl I could have never designed hmyself. I have been so blessed with a caring Godly man by my side. I have shelter, food, security, clothes and the necessary items to live a comfortable life. What more do I need? 

My weekends have been filled with so many fun activities and this weekend was no exception. 

Friday the Mr. and I got a surprise blessing when his sister, Ashley, offered to babysit for us so we could have a valentines date. She is the one who set us up and she is the one who is helping our relationship grow with encouragement and occasional babysitting. I'm so grateful! 

On the way to dinner, Mr. and I talked about those beginning days. We laughed at the small mishaps and awkward moments and both expressed how thankful we are that things continued so we could get to this moment. We went to dinner, got ice cream (White Russian and chocolate for me!), went to the beach to watch the waves roll in, and then I got to see where he works and meet some of his coworkers. We came back to Sweetness peacefully sleeping and talked with Ashley and her fiancé, Thomas. Such a great night!

Ready for our date!

Yum!

So handsome!!!

Beautiful flowers!

Saturday morning Sweetness and I leisurely got out of bed, cleaned, ate breakfast and just spent good quality time together. We watched pitch perfect where she danced and laughed which of course was more fun for me to watch than the actual movie. Then we went to the park to swing high on the swings, balance on the curbs, make piles of mulch, learn how to be kind to new friends, and Mr. met us there to play and walk on the dock over the water. 

What a diva!

About to go to the park!

Balancing!

She literally stopped halfway down and complained because she wanted to go fast. 

Swinging is both her and my favorite thing!!

We went back to the house, ate lunch, and put Sweetness down for her nap. Mr. and I played Egyptian War and enjoyed good conversation, a lot of laughter and maybe a little bit of cheating. We heard Sweetness' movie end and she immediately came downstairs. We soon found out it was no coincidence because she fell asleep in the car not even 2 miles down the road on the way to dinner. She stayed asleep through getting her out of the car seat, through the whole dinner, putting her back in the car seat and going to Mardel's. She only woke up in the Marsel's cart because I had to prop her upright in the tiny cart. I should have taken a picture of her fantastic sleep lines and bed head. 

We have so much fun! 

Laughter is good medicine!

In deep conversation, obviously. 

My two loves!

We had barely left the house and she was already out!!!!

Sleeping in the booth!

Yum! 

This weekend has come to a close and now it's Sunday! Time for us to go to church, celebrate the birth of my niece with family and rest so that we can be rejuvenated and motivated to hit the ground running! I am so blessed. Love my life!

Can you see it?

One photo. One snapshot of time. Beauty caught within the borders of a frame. The story that you take from each picture is yours to ponder. Do you wonder what really happened? Only the artist knows. Each stroke of a painting, each line drawn in charcoal, each flash of light capturing a single moment in time is life; beautiful and dangerous coexisting in harmony.

It's a daunting task to behold beauty in with every breath. Every step is painful as you pass by the very things that make life possible. Everything existing as it should. We all encounter millions of inanimate objects and living breathing miracles every day that somehow seem to cohesively work in unison to fill the minutes in a day.

Can you see it? Have you stopped to breathe in the sweet aroma? Have you noticed the dew on the flower's petals? Have you watched the steam dance off of a warm cup of coffee? Have you marveled at the masterpiece of architecture that surrounds us? Have you gazed at the ripples of water reacting to the life under it's surface? Do you realize the automatic movements your muscles make in connection to the messages your brain sends, most often subconsciously? Do you realize that life, precious life, is taken every day because those that don't see the beauty that this world possesses?

You are a part of this masterpiece.
You are a piece of the puzzle.
You are an integral part of the foundation of life.
You are indispensable just by breathing.
You are beautiful.
You are needed.

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Realize that you are a part of something perfect.

Beauty surrounds you, 

encompassing you,

 begging you

 to see 

and be seen.

Nothing Else Matters

At the end of the day, this song is what it boils down to. Sometimes it's not even the end of the day. Sometimes it's while you are crying at work at 10:13am on a Thursday. Sometimes you just have to sing through the tears and frustration. Because He is good. Taste and see for yourself. He is good and His love for you is insurmountable.

Lord, nothing matters more than just to sit here at Your feet and worship You. This is my song I will sing today. Nothing else matters.

When You walk into the room, everything changes 
Darkness starts to tremble at the light that you bring
When You walk into the room, every heart starts burning
And nothing matters more than just to sit here at Your feet and worship You

We Love You, and well never stop 
We cant live without You, Jesus 
We Love You, We cant get enough
All this is for You, Jesus

When You walk into the room, sickness starts to vanish
Every hopeless situation, ceases to exist
When You walk into the room, The dead begin to rise
Cause there is resurrection life in all You do

We Love You, and well never stop 
We cant live without You, Jesus 
We Love You, We cant get enough
All this is for You, Jesus

Come and consume God, all we are 
We give You permission, our hearts are Yours
We want You, We want You

This is all that matters.

Three Things

Three things *before* Thursday:

I ate breakfast for dinner. 

I am stressed about an important meeting tomorrow. 

I just bawled through a movie that I'm not sure anyone but my closest friends would understand why I loved it so much. 

*edited to show 'before Thursday' since apparently it was Wednesday when I posted this. Those tricky calendar days....*

I am just that, one piece.

Dishes in the sink. Clothes in a pile. Was that a Barbie purse I just stepped on? Yawn. Yawn again. Two yawns in a row? That's ridiculous. Shake my head vigorously and get to work.

Ok, dishes done, two toys thrown in the general direction of the sweetness' other toys and I'm finished for the night. My pj's have never felt this good. I glance over to my table where 1000 little segments of a Kinkade painting are spilled just begging me to fit the pieces together. I sit down at the table with a long, relaxing sigh.

This piece is beautiful. Some green to the right, and a small splash of blue from what might be part of a flower? Or maybe it is part of the sky from the top of the tree? I'm not sure. It's intriguing just like it is, but it needs to be connected. It is designed to fill and be filled. The actual act of filling and being filled doesn't subtract from the beauty of its current state but only serves to add more beauty and purpose to the bigger picture.

Like a pitcher that water is poured into then subsequently re-distributed to fill the cups of the thirsty.

There are gifts, talents, skills, ideas, words, and pieces of beauty specifically designed for me.

I am just that, one piece. 

A small piece with some greenery and a splash of blue. 

I am beautiful and intriguing in and of myself.

But that is not all.

I am designed to fill and be filled as part of a bigger picture.

But it has to start somewhere. 

I am beautiful and intriguing in and of myself. 

A small piece with some greenery and a splash of blue.

I am just that, one piece.

Gracious Reminder

Totally losing my faith in humanity. Why is everyone so negative? Why are people complaining about having to do what they are getting paid to do? I have NOT had enough coffee for this! They are so angry or irritated! Why does everyone come in my office and complain to me?

Because they are drawn to My Light.

I'm minding my own business. I'm doing my job.

I didn't create you to 'just do your job'. 

I'm not bothering anyone.

And they aren't bothering you. They are just showing their need for My Light.

It's like sandpaper! I'm trying to respond in the right way but it's wearing me down!

Let them sand off the surface of your efforts so I can shine through. Their grinding is refining your endurance in long suffering. Come to my feet and I will give you rest. Your joy will be renewed. This is a process. I have planted you here for this season.

I needed that reminder.

How do you blog?

How do you write your blog posts?

How do you manage to write everyday?

Do you have drafts waiting to be completed?

Do you write on prompts only?

Do you sit down at a blank page and just get inspired to eloquence?

Are you looking for things throughout the day to give you subject matter to write about?

How does it happen for you?

I have 4 drafts in my post roll that need to be completed. Sometimes they are easy drafts for the busy days and sometimes they are drafts because I can't seem to put into words what I need to convey. One of the drafts is the part 2 of the cliffhanger that I have been asked to finish. I haven't added a lot to it because I have no idea what I'm doing! But I'm sure I will finish it eventually. Two of the drafts are kinda similar topics that I'm not sure if I should combine or if are going to take different routes. And one of my drafts is my ranting draft. Yes the draft that I can madly type into and re-read to see what the real issue I need to deal with is. It usually becomes a blog post but definitely not in that initial draft form. Thank The Lord for that!

Sometimes my blog posts come to me from my quiet times or experiences throughout the day. But the majority of the time my blog posts come from me beginning to text someone or update my Facebook status and realizing that I have way more to say on the topic than I previously realized.

Happy Blogging my Sparky loves!

The Ugly Truth

There are always two sides to every story.  Like this:

I am showering in a beautifully clean shower this morning. 

How is this possible on a Friday morning when I work full time and am full time mommy to a 2.5 year old AND I'm sick? Well obviously I must just be a really dedicated mommy, hard working house keeper and have somehow found the genius way to siphon energy from the sweetness, of course in a non-evasive procedure. 

Negative ghost rider. 

The truth? Ryot pooped in the tub last night. The LAST thing I wanted to do towards the end of the work week, at the end of the work day, right before bed time while coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose constantly...was to clean out the bath tub. 

My life is awesome. I talk about it all the time. I post statuses about how much I love my crazy girl, crazy job, crazy life. I really do love it. I'm not lying. But my joy comes from somewhere, someone different. I don't enjoy putting sweetness in timeout for running away in the parking lot but then Im reminded that I am helping guide her passions towards being a contributing member of society. I don't like stepping on Barbie shoes and having to constantly pick up toys, but then I am reminded that the reason I am picking up these toys is because I have been so blessed to have a child at all.  

I have so much to be thankful for. There is ALWAYS silver lining. God is ALWAYS there in trouble, triumph and trying times. I am tested every day. I fail every single day. But I also succeed every single day because the goal is not to have a perfect life but to love God and love other people and there is not just one right way to do that. The stay at home mommy that has never been divorced doesn't have a better life than I do, just different. We have all been given a separate set of skills, talents, and situations that enable us to accomplish a task meant for only us. We might meet some like-hearted peole along the way but no one is exactly alike. Don't desire my life or someone else's life, desire joy. Yearn for joy. Seek joy in your specific life. Ask God to overflow you with joy. That is a prayer request He will answer EVERY time. 

So don't be fooled! If you start to feel a twinge of jealousy or discontent as to why I, or other ridiculously happy people on Facebook, are so happy, just always go back and reference this post. When you see my status about laying in bed with the sweetness and cuddling or when I post how thankful I am for this crazy life I have, I might have just cleaned poop out of the tub. 

And that is nothing to be jealous about. 

Dream of Hope

People intrigue me.

So naturally, the relationships between people intrigue me. 

I solicited Google to see what the recommended searches would be for key phrases. Let's see if you are as confused as I was...actually the answers scared the living daylights out of me.

I searched "I wish my husband"

"I wish my husband would die"
"I wish my husband would leave"
"I wish my husband loves me"
"I wish my husband was dead"

I searched "I wish my wife"

"I wish my wife would lose weight"

"I wish my wife would have an affair"
"I wish my wife would love me"
"I wish my wife was this dirty"

I searched "I wish my parents"

"I wish my parents would divorce"
"I wish my parents were dead"
"I wish my parents were rich"
"I wish my parents never had me"

I searched "I want my child"

"I want my child to be gay"
"I want my child support"
"I want my childhood back"
"I want my child to be a model"

It's hard to find the words that I am feeling right now. I am devastated. I remember being at the low of the low and feeling like I couldn't breathe because of the pain I was in. There is a point of anguish and hopelessness that a person's heart can reach that is absolutely suffocating. I have been there. I know it's true. But there would have to be a lot of people in that state of desperation for it to effect the main search engine of the world. I don't wish that type of pain on anyone, and knowing that the majority of our population feels hopeless makes me angry and sad at the same time.

I just wish I could talk to these people. I wish that I could help them. I wish that I could share with them the hope that I have. I wish they understood that there is healing and hope specifically set aside for them!

Even through abuse, there is hope.
Even through neglect, there is hope.
Even through loneliness, there is hope.
Even through financial hardship, there is hope.
Even through bitterness, there is hope.
Even through depression, there is hope.
There is no area or corner in the depths of your heart that hope can't reach.

Is it a quick fix? No, of course not. But there is no such thing as ruined people. I thought I was ruined. I thought I was no good and that I had nothing to offer. Now I have a wonderful life full of love, real friendships, great successes and so much joy that will only continue to get better the farther down this life road I get.

You can change your stars.
You can write a new ending.
You can be happy.
You can have hope.

This hope is free to you as a gift from someone who loved you literally more than life itself.
It was purchased in blood.
It was purchased with you specifically in mind.
So that through His death, you could be resurrected with Him to live a life of JOY.

I dream of a search engine that will say things like
"I wish my husband would know how important he is to our family."
"I wish my wife would realize how beautiful she is."
"I wish my parents would know that I am thankful for them"
"I want my child to know they are special."

I dream of people searching for how they can make the world a better place.
It can not be ignored any more.
Too many women are in slavery to human trafficking.
Too many men are addicted to sex, drugs and pride.
Too many children are neglected or abused.
Too many people are hopeless.

I don't think this dream is too unrealistic, but it has to start somewhere.

Blitz thoughts: Good Eater, Sickness and The Croods

Blitz post!

1. My usual picky non-eater ate 4 chicken nuggets, 2 oranges and 2 servings of spaghetti. This is a miracle otherwise known as a growth spurt. 

2. I have been coughing and recently have been attacked with congestion. I took some medicine as a precautionary measure and will be doing all I can to avoid sickness like the plague. Now of only the weather would stop being bipolar.....that would help. 

3. We just watched The Croods with Ryot. I really enjoyed the animation, bright creative color schemes and that the lead girl wasn't a toothpick. I did not like the incredible lack of respect for the dad that the entire family displayed for the majority of the movie. Even though it was remedied in the end I think there are too many parts that will be mimicked by little people who watch it. 

These are my blitzed thoughts for today. My brain is foggy from this headache and sort of coming on sickness. 

Happy 30th Birthday Dustin!

It's a very special day today. Today is my big brother's birthday. I have many sisters, but only one brother. I have a lot of memories that flood to mind when I think about my brother. Memories of rollerblading through the apartment complex. Memories of big brother torture probably instigated by me being the annoying little sister...sorry bro. Memories of learning how to play Super Mario and beating the game several times. I was in awe! 

I have memories of talking to him on the phone the day my mom died. I was so scared and he made me feel so much better. I have memories of being terrified and having horrible nightmares while he was deployed with the Marines. That followed by extreme excitement, relief, and pure joy when he finally returned home and would come visit. I have memories of bragging about my big brother to all my friends. 

At 7 yrs old, I looked up to him for his Nintendo skills.

At 14 yrs old, I looked up to him for being a hero.

Now at 24 yrs old, I look up to him for being a great man after God's own heart.

I knew he was going to be a good husband before he got married; and he chose a beautiful, smart, hilarious, kind, and Godly wife that is a wonderful addition to my band of sisters.

I knew he was going to be a good dad before Addison was born; and he helped create an adorable, smiley, smart, and sweet little girl that I am lucky to call my niece.

I know he will excel in whatever he does in the future because God is on his side. 

I have enjoyed what I have gotten to experience of the first 30 years and I am definitely going to enjoy the next 30. I know that God has some awesome things planned for my brother, Heidi, Addi, and all the people that come into their lives. 

Happy 30th Birthday to my FAVORITE big brother. 

I love you.

Icy-Hot

Schools shutting down

Icy roads

Major wrecks

A little snow

Getting ready for date night 

Why am I sweating?

It's 78 degrees in my house
Turn on A/C in January