Day Nine, discovering delight

My Journey: Day Nine

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

5:00am- Shower time! I walked to the bathroom, got ready to take a shower and turned on the water all with my eyes closed. It is definitely a Spark morning. But I'm on the 24 Day Challenge so every morning is a Spark morning regardless! Ha!

6:00am- Sweetness wanted to wear a princess dress so she is wearing a gray dress with a pretty tulle fabric skirted bottom and black "parkly" shoes.  She wouldn't leave the house with taking "Wozen" with her. She was so excited to watch it later. We spent the whole drive to daycare bantering over which one was Elsa and Ana. It was hilarious. I loved seeing her form her argument by what color hair they had.

"That Elsa."
"No lovey, her name is Ana."
"Mommy, Ana is white."
"Ana has the brown hair."
"No bown, Elsa bown."

She was very convincing; incorrect, but convincing and cute nonetheless.

8:00am- I'm getting hungrier. I drank my Fiber Drink and MRS now instead of later like I have been with my crazy work schedule. It was delicious. I definitely needed it to get started.

***We interrupt your normally scheduled daily breakdown because I can't really remember what I did***
***I should have written it down like the other days***
***bad memory***
***oops***

6:30pm- I picked up dinner from Robinette Catering. (If you are in my area, this is an awesome little spot! They have "Dish and Dash" where they prepare home cooked meals that all you have to do is go home and put in the oven or microwave! It's great for working moms!) I got the swiss chicken crepes. I just opened the crepes and ate the chicken and spinach inside them. Yay, for no carbs.

7:00pm- Sweetness is watching Frozen wand I am fighting my sweet craving right now. She is eating a brownie that she got from Robinette Catering; which of course is only my favorite dessert in the whole wide world. I had to just get up and put laundry away so that I didn't have to watch her eat it.

Tomorrow is my last day on the cleanse. I have followed all the rules and been true to the guidelines as best as I could with my schedule. I read a comment online today from an Advo group post that stated that the cleanse is not really designed for weight loss. That definitely made me a little hopeful. I just don't understand how i could change my whole diet and add supplements and not see a change. I used to drink a soda a day, eat candy almost everyday, and was eating a lot of fast food. I have cut ALL of that out and will be really disappointed if I don't see any change, honestly. We shall see on Friday.

I have been having a sort of same conversation in my head about my prayer life. I'm really working on praying more fervently and precisely. It's a daily battle to remember that God delights to have communication with us as His children. I loved sitting with little girl for a short moment to watch her watch Frozen. She was laughing and getting my attention to show me funny parts. It was a delight for me to see her so happy and want to share that with me. It's also a delight in a different way when she comes to me for something that she needs. How much more does God care for us? How much more does He delight to see joy in us from what He has provided? How much more do he welcome come to Him first when our hearts are hurting?

8:30pm- The munchkin is in bed and I'm matching up socks. I hate matching up socks, so I turned the movie Shawshank Redemption on to make it more bearable.

9:00pm- My brain is fried and I'm falling asleep sitting up writing in my journal. Ha! Time to get ready for bed.

Recap: Today was full of wonderful reminders of how God views His children. I am a delight. I am an aroma. When God looks at me, He doesn't see all of my faults, but He sees Jesus in me. I am a pleasant aroma and He cares about what moves my heart. The passions that I have are God-given, so He delights to see me seek Him on how to use them and rejoices with me when I am diligent to give Him the glory. and He deserves ALL the glory.

Day Eight, love is the beat and joy is the melody

My Journey: Day Eight

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

5:00am - Good Morning! I sprung out of bed and took a shower ready for the day.

6:00am- My Pink Lemonade Spark tasted a little too sweet this morning! I have completely lost the vitamin flavor that I used to taste so much in the beginning. It's really nice! I feel cleaner, more energized, not jittery, focused, and ready for my day! As I was getting ready this morning, I glanced down and saw my scale. I REALLY wanted to get on it this morning but I had great self-control to walk out instead. There is nothing good that can come out of me stepping on the scale right now. I need to just wait two more days.

7:00am- Sweetness was so happy and wonderful this morning. I couldn't ask for a more amazing little person in my life. She wanted me to take pictures of her and cuddle and she wanted to go "soom". I told her the water was way too cold to swim just yet and she quickly went back to being her joyful self. Then I read this quote from Graham Cooke:

"Joy is about elation. It's about having a sense of wonder. It's taking absolute pleasure in someone or something. It's about being jubilant. It's being cheerful, triumphant, celebratory. So when we are practicing joy, we are learning the art of celebration. What are we celebrating? God is for me. God is with me. He is for me, He is on my side. He is in me. He surrounds me. Everything about Him is for me, and He will help me. I am rejoicing in the fact that I know what God is like." - From Cultivating the Fruit of the Spirit

I posted it to Facebook when I got to work hoping that it would remind someone to have joy. I think everyone should read it when they wake up in the morning. Why not?

8:00am- First day back of the Fiber Drink was a little harder to drink than it had been before. I think those days off from drinking it spoiled me a little. But it was my fault. I don't think I mixed it up very well and that definitely makes all the difference. My Meal Replacement Shake and OmegaPlex went down charmingly and  filled me up!

Where has the time gone? How did I get to this point of needing to "diet" when I used to be in such good shape? How did my little teeny baby grow up to be almost 3 yrs old? I saw a picture of her from when she was 10 months and it brought a little tear to my eye. No matter how old she gets, I will still remember how tiny she was and how mesmerized I was (and am) with her beauty and spunk. It just motivates me even more to get in shape and change my attitude toward my confidence so that she won't have this example of self-hate or low self-esteem. She is beautiful and perfect and wonderful and spirited and she has SO much to accomplish because there is no one in the world as prepared and cut out for her path as her. Now I need to turn the tables and say that back to myself.

12:00pm- I ate a Chicken Caesar Salad and a cuties Orange for lunch. My day went from busy at work to dead slow. Here's to the next 5 hours...

2:00pm- I took a small break to eat a handful of yogurt covered raisins, another cutie Orange and spend about 15 minutes soaking up the sun outside. I can't wait to shed some pounds and feel comfortable out in a swimsuit so I can get some color on my ghostly white skin!

When I got back in the office I saw two videos on Youtube that I absolutely fell in love with. They made me fall in love with love over and over the more I listened to them. Romantically or not, love is a beautiful, life changing thing if you embrace it. Love for strangers in the form of kindness, love for elders in the for of respect, love for significant others, love for friends in the form of loyalty, love for your employers in the form of humility and hard work. Everything is based from love, either a lack of it which creates need and emptiness or a surplus which fills you to overflow so you can bless others. Either way, it is the foundation.

5:00pm- Time to depart! I went home, changed my clothes and met Mr. to go get Sweetness. She was happy and didn't want to leave because she was watching Curious George.

6:45pm- We met sweet friends for dinner at Zoe's Kitchen. I got the protein plate which had grilled chicken, caramelized onions over raw dry slaw. It was delicious. I would have probably like it more if the chicken and onions were warmer but it was healthy and delicious so I can't complain. We stayed for a while visiting and attempting to entertain Sweetness who didn't eat ANY of her food.

11:00pm- Finally to bed. I got all of the stuff ready for tomorrow morning and wrote a little in my journal. I anticipate passing out very soon after my head hits the pillow.

Recap: The afternoon was so boring slow that I had to fight some cravings for sweets. If I stay busy, I don't typically think about wanting sweets. So I just have to stay busy. It won't be hard to find things to do but more finding the motivation to work a full non-stop day at work to be a full non-stop mommy to being a full non-stop homemaker. Only the grace of God will allow me to even come close to succeeding.

Remember that in all to begin with love and let joy seep through every crack and crevice!

Day Seven, it won't be for lack of trying

My Journey: Day Seven

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

6:30am- My alarm went off at 5:00am but I couldn't get up. I fell back asleep until now which is usually the time I'm leaving the house in the morning. I quickly chugged my grape spark and took the Pro-Biotic Restore before leaving the house. The grape didn't taste as good this morning because I didn't let the water get really cold. But it's ok. I know that the energy I get from it will more than enough make up for the lukewarm taste.

7:00am- I love waking up in the dark and getting to watch the sunrise on my way to work. God's faithfulness is just like the sunrise. If you are in a dark place, He will provide and show up in the most miraculous sunrise painted just for you. It may seem like forever to you, but in His timing it's just one nightfall to daybreak. For is good, y'all. If you seek to find fault, all you will plant is doubt. If you seek to find His goodness, He WILL reveal it to you.

8:00am- I started to psych myself out this morning. Browsing one of my awesome fit groups on Facebook, I saw people posting their results of weight and inches lost after their cleanse. When I look in the mirror I don't see a difference and I only have 3 days left. I really was getting nervous that I wouldn't lose any weight or inches. But then I saw this picture posted from another group I follow on Facebook called Fit Girls 4 Life:

And this one sentence gave me a little more inspiration: "To looking in the mirror and not seeing any change, throwing on your running shoes and hitting the gym anyway." I just have to keep going. I just have to keep trying and I will see results eventually. I have to make it my goal that if I don't see results, it will literally have to be because of something actually medically wrong with me. It won't be for lack of trying. It won't be for lack of working out. It won't be from lack of eating right. For seven days now I have eaten clean, drank more water than I thought possible and turned away temptation that was right in front of my face. I haven't cheated even once. This is unheard of for me. Who knew I could quit coffee cold turkey like that? I didn't even have one caffeine headache and now I am saving a ton of money by not going to Starbucks or having to continually stock creamer in my fridge. I can do this. I will NOT step on the scale until Friday, March 21. That will be the start of day 11 and I will have completed the whole ten day cleanse. And no matter what the results, I will continue to eat clean, drink more water than I think is possible, and refuse temptation for the next 14 days until I'm done with the challenge. I'm just praying I see results. It will definitely make this a lot less frustrating!

10:00am- Work got so crazy as a typical Monday morning does, and I wrote two blog posts covering the past three days, so I didn't drink my meal replacement shake or take my OmegaPlex until just now. I forgot my water bottle at home so I'm going to have to be diligent in refilling this small cup of water. It seems like something so small but I get so caught up in working that I don't take the time to get up to refill it.

2:30pm- I got so much work done I feel like a superhero! I finally ate a chicken salad and drank so much water. I also noticed that I am really on point today, thanks to my Spark!!

5:30pm- My boss asked me for a lot of information just fifteen minutes before I was leaving the office so I got out a little late. Mr. and I went to pick up Sweetness and head to eat. I really didn't want to cook so we went to IHop. I had scrambled eggs, turkey bacon and fruit. I could have sworn that I said, "water with no lemon", so I was really confused when I saw my water had two lemons and Mr.'s didn't have any. I assumed that Mr. had given me his lemons, but he confirmed that I actually asked for water with lemon. So instead of throwing it away like I normally would have, I looked up the nutritional information for lemon water. I found a bunch of different articles that all point to it being good for you, so I squeezed both of the big lemon wedges in my water and stirred it up. Golly, it was sour! Part of me liked that I was getting to drink something other than plain water, but the bigger part of me was just dissatisfied because it just left me thirsty!

8:30pm- I had a cup of purple grapes.

10:00pm- I fell asleep downstairs on the futon.

12:00am- I went upstairs, took my Herbal Cleanse with a glass of water and went to sleep.

Recap: It was a very busy day with a couple mental setbacks on my own doing. Overall I would count it as a good day. Tomorrow is the return of the dreaded Fiber Drink! Only 3 more days!!

Day Five and Six, crazy weekend

My Journey: Day Five and Six

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

This weekend was a little crazy so I'm throwing my usual format out the window. It didn't have enough stuff to fill the time slots. I didn't let the wonky schedule throw off all of my efforts in the challenge, but I couldn't keep a good eating schedule on Saturday because Sweetness was throwing up. Saturday morning was completely normal and she was fine. We went to a birthday part for one of her little friends at a park. She was so excited and had a lot of fun! I knew that I was going to be going out to lunch afterwards, so I didn't eat anything before going. The first thing my beautiful host says is, "I'm sorry this party isn't Advocare friendly!" I literally laughed out loud that she would even think about that! That shows you just a pinch how sweet she is! I told her it didn't matter and I would be fine. This party was for Zaden, not me! Sweetness ran, played, sang happy birthday, ate a little bit of a cupcake and was generally a happy camper. I drank water and resisted the pizza, cupcakes, cookies and brownies that were all laid before me. I was diligent in drinking my water and kept myself busy talking to other parents and playing with all the kiddos.

When we left the party, Sweetness was tired, but still acting normal. The plan was to drop me off to eat lunch with Mr.'s sister and the rest of her bridesmaids and then go with them to try on bridesmaid dresses. I paid for my lunch and right before sitting down I got a message that Ryot threw up all in Mr.'s Jeep. After trying to figure out what the best plan was, I left the lunch and went to Mr.'s apartment to clean her, the car seat and the jeep up. I tried to leave after she was resting, but got another message that she had thrown up again, so I had to apologize profusely to the bride and return to Mr.'s apartment with extra paper towels and bleach. She didn't throw up again the whole time that I was there and just acted tired, but she hadn't taken a nap so it made sense.

We finally ate "lunch" at 3:30 and I had steamed veggies and grilled chicken. It was bland, but ok. I was just glad to have food. I was still a little hungry after eating, but I knew that my stomach just wasn't communicating to my brain fast enough, so I didn't eat anymore and just waited. We went back to my apartment around 6:30 where I cleaned a little and finally settled Ryot in bed at 7:30. I was a little hungry at that point but I didn't want to eat too late, so I cooked chicken, pasta and veggies for Mr. and myself. It was almost 9 by the time we ate so I only ate the veggies. I didn't want a chunk of meat sitting in my stomach when I was going to bed and I was satisfied after the veggies.

An emotional Friday followed by a crazy Saturday had me worn down! I'm so thankful Sunday gave a little break from the craziness. I drank my Spark when I first woke up in the morning. It was good and gave me energy for the morning. I was working with the little babies in the nursery at church so I needed the energy. I drank my Meal Replacement shake before we got any kids in the room and I was ready to go. I didn't drink as much water as I should have in the morning but I was visiting, changing diapers and feeding little ones so I was doing something more important.

Since plans were foiled on Saturday, the Bride and I went to try on bridesmaid dresses. I chose three to try on and picked one right away that I liked. It fit perfectly and made me feel really pretty. Hopefully it will be a bit big for me by the time the wedding rolls around in May. I'm crossing my fingers!! After the dress shopping, we went to eat at Texas Roadhouse. They only have the BEST ROLLS AND CINNAMON BUTTER IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! But I didn't eat any even though I had to help Sweetness spread butter on hers. I refrained. I got steak kabobs with red and green bell peppers and onions and steamed veggies. I ate one of the two kabobs and all my veggies, plus drinking water. I was full but not over stuffed and I still had energy and motivation to do some laundry when I got home. That was a great feeling.

Right before bed on Sunday, I realized that the Fiber Drink is only Days 1-3 and 8-10 so I unintentionally planned these 10 days perfectly! I got Friday through Monday off of the Fiber Drink which was a nice little break. However, I'm not dreading the Fiber Drink because I know I only have to do 3 more days of it. Score!

Recap of the weekend: I love that even when my weekend is crazy, God is still good. All the time. I'm looking forward to the changes that are coming my way in the near future and I'm motivated to rock this next week! For 'if God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

Day Four, braindead

My Journey: Day Four

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

4:20am- Alarm is buzzing and I know if I lay here for another minute I will fall back asleep. I spring up out of bed and into the bathroom. I have always been a morning person. I love them. I love the idea of a brand new start to the day. I love the morning air. I love getting up while the Sweetness is still sleeping. I love watching the sun rise. It is a beautiful blessing that will take your breath away and if you let it, will set the tone for the rest of your day. There is something miraculous and crazy beautiful that screams to glorify it's Creator with the whole spectrum of colors on the sky's canvas every day.

Even though I'm a morning person, I don't usually get up this early. My alarm will go off anytime from 5:00am to 5:30am depending on my time of going to bed and moos from the night before. Getting 30 extra minutes doesn't seem like a lot but it definitely is when you went to bed only 4 hours earlier. I understand that getting 4 hours of sleep is not healthy. Today was a little special. I had to be on the road to Houston at 6:15am so I had to prepare and get both of us out the door. I have zero plans tonight so I should be golden for an early bed time.

6:30am- I made it to downtown Houston safely and drank my Meal Replacement Shake in my car in a parking garage. I'm sure I looked suspicious as I was looking over my shoulder. It felt so weird and secretive, however, I was not going to let a small change in my normal routine to throw my whole cleanse off. I actually got really excited when I realized it was Day 4 and I didn't have to drink the Fiber Drink! It was one less things I had to mix in my car. Nobody saw me, but I'm sure I would have gotten crazy looks. After drinking my MRS, I felt full and invincible; ready to handle business.

10:00am- I did not receive the outcome of the situation that I wanted, so I will probably have to go back to Houston in the next couple weeks. I know that when this is finally over, a huge weight will be lifted off of my shoulders. I wonder if it will show on the scale?

Overall, my morning did not quite go as planned. Anxiety, horrible stress and long periods of anticipation are hard to handle all at once. I was having to remind myself to breathe. But either way, I serve a great God and everything will work out fine. I drove back to the office in tears. Not the cute one tear drop crying, but the I-can't-breathe-or-talk-or-think-or-see-to-drive heart-wrenching sob. Sometimes it's good to puke all your emotions out like that. It really does make you feel a little better. Right now I feel lethargic physically, slightly brain dead mentally and emotionally spent, but I know that "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

Mr. helped calm me down and I received sweet encouragement from some of my Lfiegroup girls, so it was easy to remember the good. I can't say enough positive things about having a good community. Church or just friends, get involved. Losing weight, staying on track, being positive = all of those things are possible to achieve individually but it's so much easier and more fun to encourage and receive encouragement from each other.

1:00pm- Mr. brought me lunch, fruit and a good couple laughs which was such a relief. I was in a HORRIBLE mood. After lunch and my OmegaPlex, I was craving some sweets, especially being so stressed and sad, but I made a good choice and chewed some Big Red gum instead.

3:00pm- Three Catalyst done and done! I received a call with potentially some very good news concerning my meeting in Houston. I'm not getting my hopes up, but there is a possibility that everything will work out as I had planned earlier.

4:00pm- Geez, today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I'm craving sweets, but I will refrain. Pink Lemonade Spark instead!!

5:30pm- My boss told me that I could leave work a little early as soon as our new driver returned. However, no one had properly trained him so I had to stay a little longer to tell him where to put things and what the procedures were for paperwork. If I want him to do the paperwork correctly, then someone has to train him the right way. Instead of leaving early, I ended up leaving late which was a little frustrating but after the day I had I didn't really have any emotions left to spend.

I picked up Sweetness and met Mr. at Black Eyed Pea for dinner. I ate the veggie plate with a caesar salad and I drank water. I did NOT eat the delicious rolls or cornbread. I did NOT eat Sweetness' Mac and Cheese. I did NOT eat her banana pudding or drink her chocolate milk. I ate my portion of food and two bites of Mr.'s pork chops which were probably the best I have ever tasted in the history of everywhere.

8:30pm- At home drinking water and watching Homeland with my Mr. I refuse to be drawn into my late night cravings. Tonight will be a relaxing, calm night of nothingness. Just what my over fried brain needs. I love my life.

Recap: Today was really, really, really, really, really hard. I'm exhausted. I don't want to think. The only thing I know is God is still good. All the time.

Day Three, found my flavor!

My Journey: Day Three

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

7:00am- I woke up late. Ugh. I can't find my phone. Did my alarm go off? Did I set my alarm last night? Where is my phone, seriously? Not on the side of the bed, not under the bed here, not on Ryot's side, not in the bed, not at the foot of the bed. I can't really see behind the headboard. Did my alarm go off earlier and I got up? Checking downstairs. No, I thought I remember having it in the bed with me at one point. Maybe I got up and went to the bathroom? No, I'm pretty sure I had the phone in the bed. I moved the mattress and sure enough there is was slightly under the bed by the headboard.

How many times have I done that with other things in my life? I think something is true but I can't see the outcome or where I'm headed so I start to question if maybe I am delusional or I should be looking somewhere else. My gut told me that my phone was under the bed but I let my mind take me on a rabbit trail instead. Too many times in my life I have grabbed at untruths when if I would dig a little deeper I would have found the real truth that I knew all alone.

Denial doesn't actually change the outcome, it merely delays the inevitable.

7:30am- Somehow I got myself ready, Sweetness ready, grabbed all the items I needed and drank my spark all in 20 minutes after finding my phone. I don't look that great but no one will say anything because I work with some smart men. Ha!

When I drank my Spark this morning, I had a revelation. Everyone rants and raves about this Advo Crack and I honestly had no idea what they were talking about. I hadn't really tried one that I loved yet. Well first, when you cut junk out of your life, the real stuff starts to taste good. This is true in all the areas of your life. When you cut out the excess of distractions, you can really appreciate the goodness around you. With the Spark this morning, I tried the Pink Lemonade with the new way I have been mixing them and I think I found my soulmate, well my Sparkmate at least. I am officially hooked.

What did I do, you ask? When I woke up this morning, after finding my phone, I put 8 oz of water in a cup in the freezer. When I was ready to drink my Spark, I got a smaller cup and let the water slowly pour into the cup while I stirred in the Spark packet. Voila! No clumps! Then I mixed that small amount of Spark with the water in the freezer so it was really cold! I took a sip and it was like I was transported back to summer as a kid, drinking pink lemonade on a hot afternoon. Y'all, I'm in love.

So I urge you, from the realist part of me, keep pressing on. Try every flavor of Spark until you find your favorite. My favorites are grape and pink lemonade. I could drink that pink lemonade all day, but I don't need to because that one little pink lemonade packet gives me energy almost all day long! I used to drink coffee all day. I made a pot and I would sip on it all day long. I never thought that I would get to the point where I didn't need coffee but here I am! I am looking forward to introducing coffee back in to my diet because I really do love it, but never again will I be addicted to it!

9:30am- Time for breakfast and it's a good thing because I am hungry! The Fiber Drink was easy again. The key is to just gulp it down really fast right after you make it like you are dying of thirst. Then you don't really taste it too much. The Meal Replacement Shake was downed with no problem as well. I noticed today that I enjoyed drinking it this time instead of dreading it like I did the first day. I have grown accustomed to its texture and now I don't mind it at all.

I'm loving this change. I have never had more energy in my life! You have to give your mind and your body time to recognize the change before you can embrace it.

10:30am- Three Catalyst downed like a boss!

12:30pm- I'm on a roll. I've never gotten that much done in one sitting before. I ate a delicious salad and drank a ton of water. I have no idea where all the time is going today.

I had an employee offer me chocolate and I politely declined. He proceeded to offer again and stick the chocolate in my face taunting me saying "You know you want a piece." I politely declined again and told him that I was doing really well with my eating habits and I didn't need that right then. He got a little pushy and somewhat irritated asking me, "I thought that chocolate was what women really wanted?". Still trying to deny it and continue working, I may have sounded a bit more harsh than I would like to when I told him yet again I did not want any chocolate and to please leave my office. He didn't need anything in my office so I didn't feel too bad asking him to leave. He got upset and said that he "tries to do something nice and this is what I get?" I just kept working and tried to get my mind off of chocolate.

2:00pm- Catalyst yet again has met it's match. Done!

The exchange I had earlier with the employee is still on my mind. It was a nice gesture and I was nice in declining at first, but it just wasn't what I wanted or needed to add to my plan for the day.

It makes me think...I wonder how many times I try to please God or earn His favor by filling my schedule with things that might be great things, but aren't what He has for me? There is no doubt that there are hundreds of good, even great, things that we all can be doing. But if it distracts, or hinders us from what we should be doing, what God has for us, then it's not what we really should be spending our time, efforts, finances, etc. on. Only God and I know what that is specifically for my life. And I'm still figuring all of that out. What is most important? Where does God want to use me?

5:00pm- I drank another Spark. I was feeling a little slow having worked so hard earlier and I needed something to pick me back up and keep me focused. It also helped hold me over until I could eat dinner.

It's Thursday so we have Lifegroup with my church family. This is one of my favorite nights of the week! I was a little nervous because we usually have sweets as a snack but I read an email that one of the girls was bringing hummus and chips instead. I'm not at all tempter by hummus and chips so I was safe. It was a direct blessing and protection from the Lord.

I drank a meal replacement shake because I didn't have time to get anything healthy on the way; no fast food would have worked. One of my friends ate a girl scout cookie and it didn't even bother me! Sure I want sweets but before I would have eaten anything and now I'm more conscious about what would actually be worth wasting those calories on. That is a HUGE improvement. I drank so much water that I think it was actually a distraction. It helped that Sweetness was calling my name, so every time she called, I got to get up, pee, and refill my water bottle. I swear the water is literally just running through me. Am I even soaking anything up? I drank 6 of my TMNT mug full of water. That's 96oz on top of the 88oz I had at work. Too much? I don't know but I was craving it and was so thirsty!

12:30am- Finally going to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Recap: I did really well today. I am actually really enjoying the products now and hopeful that I will see some results in a couple more weeks. I have more energy and I'm slowly but surely losing my cravings for all that is sweet. Making progress!

Day Two, a wonderful surprise

My Journey: Day Two

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

5:30am- I enjoyed 6.5 hours of sleep and I only woke up once!

5:45am- Am I really so delusional as to expect results after day one? Then why am I standing in front of the mirror cursing my stretch marks and scars that plague my stomach? I read online those beautiful  posts about women who love their stretch marks. I can't help but wonder if it's all for show on the internet or if it really is possible to have those marks empower you with confidence instead of weigh you down. After all they are a representation of the precious miracle that brought the sweetness into the world.

Thinking about it, I don't detest anything as constantly quite like the way I do my body. I wish my heart would hurt for my sin and a lost world like it does when I try to buy clothes, or look in the mirror, or sit in an unflattering position, or have to be in any full body pictures. I wish my heart broke when I didn't trust God completely. I wish my heart ached when I looked in the mirror, not because what I look like but because there have been countless others who have looked in their mirrors who were so alone, lost and in need of love and acceptance, but were too overwhelmed with like so they decided to end it all. That is totally worth crying over. I mean, I'm not callous to the world around me. I think about the injustice in the world and my heart aches thinking about orphans that need homes, women who are in slavery from human trafficking, and children and adults alike who are dying from cancer and don't have the same freedoms as me because they are isolated to a hospital bed. I think about these things on a regular basis.

My heart does ache for the world around me and my influence in it. But it should ache more often for those things that matter to Him instead of this hook I often get hung on that makes no difference to the kingdom. And the kingdom is all the matters. It makes me angry at myself. I want to scream,

GET IT TOGETHER!

But I've tried on my own and failed numerous times. Today is only day 2, there are endless possibilities for the next 22 days!I'm asking God to renew my heart and He is always faithful so I'm excited for the results for both my heart for Him and this wretched carcass!

6:30am- I like Grape Spark. However, Grape Spark does not taste great directly after brushing your teeth. As soon as I opened the packet it smelled like grape fun dip. I was actually excited to try it. It really wasn't that bad even with the toothpaste taste additive. I'm sure I will be golden for tomorrow. Again, I chugged it on the way to work in between stoplights. As I was finishing it, the cup was completely upside down in the air so I could get every drop. I looked over and a man in his car was staring at me with an odd expression while sipping his coffee. I just smiled awkwardly and drove away. Saved by the green light!

7:00am- God always has spoken to me through music. It's so hard to remain the same once you realize that everything is for His glory. I heard this song and couldn't help but be thankful for this journey with all it's struggles. The song I heard was God with Us by MercyMe. At the end of the song it says,

Such a tiny offering

Compared to Calvary

But nevertheless

We lay it at Your feet

Even though this crap that I'm struggling with seems dumb to some people, it still is an issue of the heart which is important to God., So I choose to lay it at His feet and believe for change and a renewed mind and spirit, knowing full well that He is faithful, He cares about my heart and He will be glorified.

10:00am- The Fiber Drink was gulped down in one breath which is nice so I don't have to taste it much. Then the MRS was gulped down while talking to my boss and coworkers about losing weight. They have been going to the gym and eating right. And guess what?! All three of them in the past month have bought Advocare products from me! I never expected to be in the position to actually sell anything. I just signed up so that I could have the option if people wanted to and because I wanted a discount! They weren't big orders but it's something!

I was able to encourage them to stick with the products because it only gets better and better. And I could say that because it is actually true! Now if only they would come to church with me as easily as they jumped on the Advocare bandwagon. All their spunk, eagerness and leadership is definitely needed in the kingdom! They would be wonderful assets to our family at Antioch. So the question is, do I live in such a way that would make them want to visit my church with me? What do they see that's different about my life than theirs? I just know they would be so much happier if they were seriously seeking the Lord. He gives peace and joy that overshadows any problem. And I'm not saying this because it's what I was taught but because it is something I have experiences over and over and over throughout my life.

11:30am- I just drank so much water that I thought I would drown. But the only things drowning are my Catalyst pills.

1:00pm- I had a deadling to reach for work that was slightly stressful. I was behind for a bit, but I made it just in time and was about to head out to lunch when -

BAM!!!!!

In walked my handsome Mr. with roses and fruit. He said he was going to get me candy but got me fruit instead. What a wonderful surprise from my supportive man! It was so completely unexpected and I was so happy that I didn't realize that two of his birthday presents were just sitting on my desk for him to see. Oops. I had just gotten them in the mail an hour before and wasn't expecting him to show up, but since he got them early we just decided to make this is birthday month and he could have a present every week! Sometimes, you just gotta go with the flow. He felt so bad but it didn't bother me. I'm just glad that he likes them! We went out to lunch and I had a salad and water. It was delicious but it was really hard to not order queso or a Dr. Pepper.

4:00pm- I ate the fruit that Mr. brought me earlier. I think it was the best pineapple that I've ever had in my life. I told my coworker that I don't know if it really is the best pineapple or if it just tastes the best because I haven't been eating junk. I don't care either way because it was a delicious and perfect snack.

6:00pm- When we got home from picking her up from daycare, Sweetness rode her bike while I walked outside. she got tired so I had to carry her bike all the way back around the apartment complex to get home. That counts as a work out, right?

7:00pm- I ate dinner and was craving sweets. Something, Anything. So I had some strawberries. I dipped the tips of some of them in Cool Whip. Is that considered cheating? Maybe, but it wasn't that many.

9:30pm- Bed time. Early for some maybe, but I can barely keep my eyes open. I took those nasty Herbal Cleanse pills. yuck. Only 5 more days of those. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

I got up and brushed my teeth and I did a horrible thing. I got on the scale! I know, I know....terrible. And what I saw I did not like. So now I am officially depressed and going to sleep. Good night.

Recap:
Focus inward, not outward, and DON'T GET ON THE SCALE AFTER ONLY A DAY AND A HALF.

Day One, you have been conquered

My Journey: Day One

If you aren't aware of the journey I'm on and why, check out this blog post here. It will all make a little more sense. Enjoy, and thank you for stopping by!

I will not give you my starting weight and measurements because I am mortified to do so. That being said, here is the start:

6:00am- Good Morning. I got 6 hours of sleep. Oh crap I was supposed to be up and moving 30 minutes ago. Where is my coffee? Where are my clothes? Why does nothing fit me anymore!? 

6:30am- I should be leaving for work now but I woke up a little late and I still hadn't taken my before pictures or logged any weight. I begrudgingly wrote down my weight and measurements in my journal. Surely I wasn't as big as what I had to write down. Maybe the scale was broken. Yep, that had to be it. I will say this, taking pictures of your unsatisfactory body is much easier and more enjoyable if you wear something comfortable. Comfort is key.

6:35am- I cried my eyes out and had a ridiculous body shaming session in front of the mirror. i don't know why girls do that to themselves. It's not like its going to make me feel any better about my body after I scrutinize every curve, stretch mark or area I deem problematic. Yet still on a daily basis, more a moment by moment basis, only negativity is thrown at my body like a thick acid rain singeing every part of flesh it touches. I have created more scares and wounds by shaming the scars and wounds I already have. One is of the heart and one is of the body, so which one is worse? I should choose to live peacefully with my outer flaws having confidence in my inner beauty. Instead I burn holes through any shred of confidence I may contain and reduce what could be beautiful to ashes.

It makes me think of the studies I've read and seen about the effect of spoken word on a physical object. In this one study (that of course I can't find online now), a man had two objects; one he spoke kindly to giving encouragement and one that he told he hated. The one who was loved flourished and the one who was hated declined rapidly. I wonder if my thoughts and words have the same effect on my body as those objects. And furthermore I wonder if really believing that you love your body instead of just saying it outloud would make that much of a difference. Hmmm.

7:30am- I may be the only person in the world who doesn't really enjoy Spark. Nevertheless, I still mixed that Watermelon Advo crack in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles travel mug and chugged it in between two stoplights on my way to work. If you have to drink something less than desirable, a fashionable mug or cup will surely help the process. This is why I bought a new blender bottle for my meal replacement shakes. It won't leak and is super cute! Black and pink is chic! And honestly, the Spark really wasn't even that bad. It's not a Dr. Pepper, but it wasn't gross.

9:00am- I can't find my beautiful blender bottle. BOO. First world problems...

10:00am- I still can't find my blender bottle. It might be at home. Either way I have to keep going. Fiber Drink, Chocolate Mocha Meal Replacement Shake and OmegaPlex pills for breakfast! I tried to have breakfast a little earlier but things got crazy at work. 

The Fiber Drink, Peaches and Cream flavor, wasn't as bad as I expected. But maybe that is the key. Maybe I set the bar so disgustingly low because of everyone else's reviews that it had room to surprise me. Ha! The replacement shake and OmegaPlex definitely filled me up. Those along with the fiber drink is 20oz of fluid chalked full of protein, vitamins, and fiber! I really was in shock that I had to drink this much but when I really thought about it, I realized that it totally makes sense. A 20 oz soda isn't even considered a "large" anymore. It's typically a "small" or "regular" and people drink their whole srink, eat their meal and sometimes get refills. So it really isn't that big of a deal to drink that much fluid. Especially since that is my whole meal when I was never a breakfast-eating person to begin with. The OmegaPlex doesn't take up too much room but it's hard to swallow huge horse pills (there's 2 of them) when you are already full! And that's not just a normal full from eating a normal meal. It's a REALLY full from having just chugged two different types of drinks. Bleh. But i know this will pay off so I'm sticking to it.

11:30am- Took three Catalyst pills. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

1:00pm- I ate a grilled chicken caesar salad that was delicious! It was refreshing and light and wonderful to actually have real food that I could chew. They put way too much dressing; but I usually ask for dressing on the side and I didn't this time so it was my fault. I also had a banana. It was too ripe for my taste buds to really enjoy is but I survived. SO DON'T PANIC, OKAY?!

2:30pm- Three more Catalyst down. Done and done. 

7:00pm- Dinner time finally! After picking the sweetness up from daycare, stopping by the store for more fruit and veggies, and cooking, it is finally time to eat! I baked some chicken and ate broccoli and squash. It was delicious. I made enough for lunch tomorrow too so I am fully prepared. Preparedness is key! I took my OmegaPlex with dinner and the sweetness thought it was candy. I chuckled a little at the thought of her sticking them in her mouth to find out that they are definitely not candy. She wasn't disappointed for long because I gave her some of a frozen smoothie, oh excuse me I mean ice cream, for dessert. So she got over it. 

7:30pm- I was craving something sweet so after I took my catalyst, I had a small portion of grapes and strawberries. They were fresh and delicious and perfect for my craving! Well almost perfect....I would have loved if those strawberries were dipped in chocolate!

9:30pm- Oh my word those Herbal Cleanse pills have to be worse than the Fiber Drink itself! Nasty. But again, I survived.

10:00pm- Goodnight world. I shall endeavor on another healthy mind, healthy soul, healthy body journey in the morrow.

Recap of the day:

I miss coffee, but I feel good. Surprisingly, I didn't have a caffeine headache which I was fully prepared to counter. I'm thankful for that!! I didn't go to bed feeling heavy and exhausted like I normally do. I actually wrote a little in my journal for a couple minutes before laying down to go to sleep. I did however have to pee right as I laid down but that is the beauty of drinking 84oz of water today. Day One, you have been conquered. 

My Journey: My Craving

My brain works in an odd fashion. I want to tell you about my new journey, but I feel compelled to give a small recount of the stirring that led to my first step.

Fact: I feel inadequate to describe myself except for the things I'm absolutely sure about.

I had an uncomfortable conversation last night. I don't even remember what I was talking about, really, but somehow I said that whatever trait I was talking about wouldn't even be on my top ten list of things I would use to describe myself. Well, the ever-attentive Mr. wouldn't let that opportunity go unnoticed so he asked,

"What would be the top 10 things you would use to describe yourself?"

 

An anxious thud in my heart was the pit of my stomach falling, followed by an awkward silence. 

Oh, I hate this question. 

Most of the time when I'm asked to describe myself in any sort of fashion I feel like any positive note would be bragging. However, I have no qualms trying to help a friend realize their full potential. Such a frustrating attribute about myself. But this isn't about what is frustrating, but what is good. 

One of the top five things that I think describe me has been confirmed to me through other people; some that know me and some that don't. 

To my very core, I am a worshipper at heart.

I just love Jesus, it's just a fact.

Stop. Don't roll your eyes or think ill of this statement, because, you see, I am not a worshipper for reasons that you may be thinking. I am not a worshipper because I have a great voice, want to get away with dancing in a church, or because I am "holier" than the average lady. 

I crave worship. I worship God because I need to, have to. I worship with or without music because I can not survive without it. It's like breathing, grasping for air while I'm being engulfed in a perfect flame. It's an involuntary need for something greater than myself. 

Everyone worships something. Before I came to this realization, I unknowingly clung to several things - relationships, approval of people, Dr. Pepper, and sweets among other things. I was suffocating because I needed connection, approval, love. Sometimes it showed up with a pretty bow that resembled protecting my friends and loyalty. Sometimes it had a fierce stare that stood for justice. Sometimes it took the burden of the world just to fit in. Sometimes it was a warm blanket of comfort as I indulged in the sweets that I craved. I slowly craved more and more. Not one soda, but two or three. Not only the approval of my boss, but my coworkers too. Not just protecting my friends, but taking offense in situations that had nothing to do with me. This is how addiction works. Though I've never done hard drugs, I'm fairly certain the majority of people would admit that you can't just do one hit. It makes you want more, need more, crave more. Like Oreos. You can't eat just ONE Oreo. 

1 Corinthians 6:12 says "'All things are lawful for me', but not all things are helpful. 'All things are lawful for me', but I will not be enslaved by anything."

I believe whole-heartedly that the simple pleasures of this life were meant to be enjoyed. I believe that Coffee is nectar from the heavens itself, puddles were meant to be jumped in, that music has the power to move the soul, and that a sunset was painted for my eyes to see. However, to merely stop at enjoying them makes the cycle incomplete. All is to the glory of God. Each person, place, things, noise, taste, smell is all for the glory of God. The sunset is breath-takingly beautiful, yes, but it exists as such because He painted it, to His glory. If anything overcomes me, it should be for His glory. If it is for His glory, it should produce good fruit. No if's, and's or but's about it. Too much of a good thing can become a bad thing if the heart is not guarded from addiction and there is a shift in the base of self-worth. As hard as it is to admit, I have admitted it a hundred times. The majority of the time that my self-worth slides away from its rightful place, it is because I am focused on my outward appearance. It's this dang carcass! But it is the only one I have and it was given to me for a reason. It is my job to take care of it and do all to the glory of God. 

I have not been taking care of my body. I have not been taking care of my emotions related to my body. It's time for a change. And not just a change to fit into a bridesmaid dress that I will need to wear in May. This needs to happen because it's a battle of wills that I am desperately fighting, and losing. 

I was born to worship. There is no life outside of worship, to any degree. Everyone worships something. The fault is when the worship is either producing bad fruit or when it crowds out the better things that God has to offer.

I want to crave prayer like I crave my afternoon candy treat.

I want to crave time reading my Bible like I crave coffee in the morning.

I want to look at my body and feel confident that I am doing the best I can with what God gave me.

I want to take my portion, and create something even more beautiful when I go home at the end of this life.

So my journey begins. 

I will be taking Advocare products to aid in weightloss, appetite control and to fill my body with vitamins and nutrients so that I can be the best possible version of me that I can. 

This is not merely a weightloss journey. This is a journey for more of Him. This is an area that I struggle with and I feel needs to be addressed right now, but the next chapter might look a little different. No matter how many little journey's I go on of self-improvement, the goal is always Christ. My desire is always for a deeper connection in Him that overshadows any other desire that this world could offer. This world is temporary. He is constant. 

If you are interested in Advocare products, I can tell you what I know.

If you are interested in my great God, I can tell you what I love.

Either way, you are welcome to join me on this crazy ride called life.

What is your Creativity?

"Creativity is the act of turning new and imaginative ideas into reality. Creativity is characterised by the ability to perceive the world in new ways, to find hidden patterns, to make connections between seemingly unrelated phenomena, and to generate solutions. Creativity involves two processes: thinking, then producing. If you have ideas, but don’t act on them, you are imaginative but not creative." - Excerpt from creativityatwork.com.

Creativity is not stuck in a box of charcoal pencils
or an easel
or acrylic paint
or a crocheted blanket.

It's not merely a poem
or lyrics on a page
or a novel
or a magazine.

It can't be solely rhythmic
or strung on a guitar
or played on a piano
or moved with air like chimes.

Creativity is not just one, but a possibility of many.

It's also a solution to a problem
or an idea turned into a conversation
or a rule that's been challenged
or the thought process leading to a decision.

I am not intrigued by paints, pencils or sewing.
I am drawn to connection.
I am fueled by the desire to love and be loved.
I am driven towards solutions.

I am creative through conversation and relationships.

What is your creativity?

Madlib Olympic Commentator

Even though I don't know all of the rules, regulations or scoring requirements, I still enjoy watching the Winter Olympics. My absolute favorite is Curling. The strategy and technique of it intrigues me. I heard on the radio that the average age for the Olympic Curler is in the 30's. Who knows? Maybe I still have a chance. 

I was having trouble coming up with a sufficient amount of information for an eloquent blog post, so you all get a Madlib. Props to my Mr. for his contributions as well. Enjoy!

Personality Quiz

There have been several personality quizzes floating around Facebook recently; most of them from Zimbio.com of buzzfeed.com.

What Disney Sidekick are you?
What Star Trek Character are you?
What Sesame Street Character are you?
What Arrow Character are you?

Most of the time, I disagree with the results I get. Why is that? Am I subconsciously answering the questions incorrectly? I wonder if my insecurities come into play when I'm asked "What is your best attribute?". I know I always think a little harder when asked that question. I wonder if my ideals of the kind of person I want to influence when I'm asked "What do you do on a rainy day?". Is my first answer what I want to be like or the answer I really am? At the point that you receive the less that desirable verdict, do you retake the quiz? Are the results less than desirable because that's not who I want to be or because they don't accurately display who I am? Is there a conflict because who I am and who I want to be are so far off? Are they so far off because I have unrealistic expectations of myself?

That was a lot of questions. Surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly to some of you smarty pants out there, a lot of these answers rest in both categories. I believe sometimes my answer is who I want to be instead of who I really am. Sometimes I would like to think that I am really detail oriented, but I'm not. Sometimes I get this picture in my head of who I would rather be instead of just loving who I am completely. That's not the case all the time, or even most of the time, but definitely hits the grid at some point.

What do you think? Do you agree with your results? Do you agree with my results?

Send Me!

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Not I trust you if...
Not I trust you when...
Not I trust you for now...
No conditions...
No if's, and's, or but's...

A trust without borders. A trust that allows me to jump and fly instead of fall; to step out and walk instead of sink in the water. A trust that defies all gravity, all preconceived notions of how something is supposed to be. Spirit lead me, teach me, talk to me, guide me. Spirit lead me to places I have never been and never thought I could go. Throw my inhibitions to the wind and let me run and never tire. Give me vision. Give me insight. Reveal your heart and desires for my life so I can pursue them without question.

Help me shine your light, and carry your presence like a sweet perfume that all will notice. Open your arms so I can find rest in you. Renew my spirit and send me running back out to a world who needs your love.

Here I am. Send me!

Weekend Recap: Valentines day edition

Weekend recap!

My brain works in weird ways. No, I'm serious. For example, if someone tells me that I am looking good or asked if I have been working out, my next meal will probably be healthy and I am really motivated to work out. If someone asks if I am pregnant, which happens more often than you'd think, or if they say that I've gained weight it seriously is like permission to grab an extra brownie and say 'screw weightloss!' A little backwards, I know. 

You might think that when someone hates their job, they would love their weekends. That is, however, the opposite case for me. I thought I loved my weekends before, but now that I love my job I enjoy my weekends so much more because I don't have the dread of Monday morning hanging over my head. I have an active relationship with a perfect loving God who speaks to and through me on a daily basis. I have the honor of being the mommy to the most adorable and precious little girl I could have never designed hmyself. I have been so blessed with a caring Godly man by my side. I have shelter, food, security, clothes and the necessary items to live a comfortable life. What more do I need? 

My weekends have been filled with so many fun activities and this weekend was no exception. 

Friday the Mr. and I got a surprise blessing when his sister, Ashley, offered to babysit for us so we could have a valentines date. She is the one who set us up and she is the one who is helping our relationship grow with encouragement and occasional babysitting. I'm so grateful! 

On the way to dinner, Mr. and I talked about those beginning days. We laughed at the small mishaps and awkward moments and both expressed how thankful we are that things continued so we could get to this moment. We went to dinner, got ice cream (White Russian and chocolate for me!), went to the beach to watch the waves roll in, and then I got to see where he works and meet some of his coworkers. We came back to Sweetness peacefully sleeping and talked with Ashley and her fiancé, Thomas. Such a great night!

Ready for our date!

Yum!

So handsome!!!

Beautiful flowers!

Saturday morning Sweetness and I leisurely got out of bed, cleaned, ate breakfast and just spent good quality time together. We watched pitch perfect where she danced and laughed which of course was more fun for me to watch than the actual movie. Then we went to the park to swing high on the swings, balance on the curbs, make piles of mulch, learn how to be kind to new friends, and Mr. met us there to play and walk on the dock over the water. 

What a diva!

About to go to the park!

Balancing!

She literally stopped halfway down and complained because she wanted to go fast. 

Swinging is both her and my favorite thing!!

We went back to the house, ate lunch, and put Sweetness down for her nap. Mr. and I played Egyptian War and enjoyed good conversation, a lot of laughter and maybe a little bit of cheating. We heard Sweetness' movie end and she immediately came downstairs. We soon found out it was no coincidence because she fell asleep in the car not even 2 miles down the road on the way to dinner. She stayed asleep through getting her out of the car seat, through the whole dinner, putting her back in the car seat and going to Mardel's. She only woke up in the Marsel's cart because I had to prop her upright in the tiny cart. I should have taken a picture of her fantastic sleep lines and bed head. 

We have so much fun! 

Laughter is good medicine!

In deep conversation, obviously. 

My two loves!

We had barely left the house and she was already out!!!!

Sleeping in the booth!

Yum! 

This weekend has come to a close and now it's Sunday! Time for us to go to church, celebrate the birth of my niece with family and rest so that we can be rejuvenated and motivated to hit the ground running! I am so blessed. Love my life!

Can you see it?

One photo. One snapshot of time. Beauty caught within the borders of a frame. The story that you take from each picture is yours to ponder. Do you wonder what really happened? Only the artist knows. Each stroke of a painting, each line drawn in charcoal, each flash of light capturing a single moment in time is life; beautiful and dangerous coexisting in harmony.

It's a daunting task to behold beauty in with every breath. Every step is painful as you pass by the very things that make life possible. Everything existing as it should. We all encounter millions of inanimate objects and living breathing miracles every day that somehow seem to cohesively work in unison to fill the minutes in a day.

Can you see it? Have you stopped to breathe in the sweet aroma? Have you noticed the dew on the flower's petals? Have you watched the steam dance off of a warm cup of coffee? Have you marveled at the masterpiece of architecture that surrounds us? Have you gazed at the ripples of water reacting to the life under it's surface? Do you realize the automatic movements your muscles make in connection to the messages your brain sends, most often subconsciously? Do you realize that life, precious life, is taken every day because those that don't see the beauty that this world possesses?

You are a part of this masterpiece.
You are a piece of the puzzle.
You are an integral part of the foundation of life.
You are indispensable just by breathing.
You are beautiful.
You are needed.

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Realize that you are a part of something perfect.

Beauty surrounds you, 

encompassing you,

 begging you

 to see 

and be seen.

Nothing Else Matters

At the end of the day, this song is what it boils down to. Sometimes it's not even the end of the day. Sometimes it's while you are crying at work at 10:13am on a Thursday. Sometimes you just have to sing through the tears and frustration. Because He is good. Taste and see for yourself. He is good and His love for you is insurmountable.

Lord, nothing matters more than just to sit here at Your feet and worship You. This is my song I will sing today. Nothing else matters.

When You walk into the room, everything changes 
Darkness starts to tremble at the light that you bring
When You walk into the room, every heart starts burning
And nothing matters more than just to sit here at Your feet and worship You

We Love You, and well never stop 
We cant live without You, Jesus 
We Love You, We cant get enough
All this is for You, Jesus

When You walk into the room, sickness starts to vanish
Every hopeless situation, ceases to exist
When You walk into the room, The dead begin to rise
Cause there is resurrection life in all You do

We Love You, and well never stop 
We cant live without You, Jesus 
We Love You, We cant get enough
All this is for You, Jesus

Come and consume God, all we are 
We give You permission, our hearts are Yours
We want You, We want You

This is all that matters.

Three Things

Three things *before* Thursday:

I ate breakfast for dinner. 

I am stressed about an important meeting tomorrow. 

I just bawled through a movie that I'm not sure anyone but my closest friends would understand why I loved it so much. 

*edited to show 'before Thursday' since apparently it was Wednesday when I posted this. Those tricky calendar days....*

I am just that, one piece.

Dishes in the sink. Clothes in a pile. Was that a Barbie purse I just stepped on? Yawn. Yawn again. Two yawns in a row? That's ridiculous. Shake my head vigorously and get to work.

Ok, dishes done, two toys thrown in the general direction of the sweetness' other toys and I'm finished for the night. My pj's have never felt this good. I glance over to my table where 1000 little segments of a Kinkade painting are spilled just begging me to fit the pieces together. I sit down at the table with a long, relaxing sigh.

This piece is beautiful. Some green to the right, and a small splash of blue from what might be part of a flower? Or maybe it is part of the sky from the top of the tree? I'm not sure. It's intriguing just like it is, but it needs to be connected. It is designed to fill and be filled. The actual act of filling and being filled doesn't subtract from the beauty of its current state but only serves to add more beauty and purpose to the bigger picture.

Like a pitcher that water is poured into then subsequently re-distributed to fill the cups of the thirsty.

There are gifts, talents, skills, ideas, words, and pieces of beauty specifically designed for me.

I am just that, one piece. 

A small piece with some greenery and a splash of blue. 

I am beautiful and intriguing in and of myself.

But that is not all.

I am designed to fill and be filled as part of a bigger picture.

But it has to start somewhere. 

I am beautiful and intriguing in and of myself. 

A small piece with some greenery and a splash of blue.

I am just that, one piece.

Gracious Reminder

Totally losing my faith in humanity. Why is everyone so negative? Why are people complaining about having to do what they are getting paid to do? I have NOT had enough coffee for this! They are so angry or irritated! Why does everyone come in my office and complain to me?

Because they are drawn to My Light.

I'm minding my own business. I'm doing my job.

I didn't create you to 'just do your job'. 

I'm not bothering anyone.

And they aren't bothering you. They are just showing their need for My Light.

It's like sandpaper! I'm trying to respond in the right way but it's wearing me down!

Let them sand off the surface of your efforts so I can shine through. Their grinding is refining your endurance in long suffering. Come to my feet and I will give you rest. Your joy will be renewed. This is a process. I have planted you here for this season.

I needed that reminder.

How do you blog?

How do you write your blog posts?

How do you manage to write everyday?

Do you have drafts waiting to be completed?

Do you write on prompts only?

Do you sit down at a blank page and just get inspired to eloquence?

Are you looking for things throughout the day to give you subject matter to write about?

How does it happen for you?

I have 4 drafts in my post roll that need to be completed. Sometimes they are easy drafts for the busy days and sometimes they are drafts because I can't seem to put into words what I need to convey. One of the drafts is the part 2 of the cliffhanger that I have been asked to finish. I haven't added a lot to it because I have no idea what I'm doing! But I'm sure I will finish it eventually. Two of the drafts are kinda similar topics that I'm not sure if I should combine or if are going to take different routes. And one of my drafts is my ranting draft. Yes the draft that I can madly type into and re-read to see what the real issue I need to deal with is. It usually becomes a blog post but definitely not in that initial draft form. Thank The Lord for that!

Sometimes my blog posts come to me from my quiet times or experiences throughout the day. But the majority of the time my blog posts come from me beginning to text someone or update my Facebook status and realizing that I have way more to say on the topic than I previously realized.

Happy Blogging my Sparky loves!

The Ugly Truth

There are always two sides to every story.  Like this:

I am showering in a beautifully clean shower this morning. 

How is this possible on a Friday morning when I work full time and am full time mommy to a 2.5 year old AND I'm sick? Well obviously I must just be a really dedicated mommy, hard working house keeper and have somehow found the genius way to siphon energy from the sweetness, of course in a non-evasive procedure. 

Negative ghost rider. 

The truth? Ryot pooped in the tub last night. The LAST thing I wanted to do towards the end of the work week, at the end of the work day, right before bed time while coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose constantly...was to clean out the bath tub. 

My life is awesome. I talk about it all the time. I post statuses about how much I love my crazy girl, crazy job, crazy life. I really do love it. I'm not lying. But my joy comes from somewhere, someone different. I don't enjoy putting sweetness in timeout for running away in the parking lot but then Im reminded that I am helping guide her passions towards being a contributing member of society. I don't like stepping on Barbie shoes and having to constantly pick up toys, but then I am reminded that the reason I am picking up these toys is because I have been so blessed to have a child at all.  

I have so much to be thankful for. There is ALWAYS silver lining. God is ALWAYS there in trouble, triumph and trying times. I am tested every day. I fail every single day. But I also succeed every single day because the goal is not to have a perfect life but to love God and love other people and there is not just one right way to do that. The stay at home mommy that has never been divorced doesn't have a better life than I do, just different. We have all been given a separate set of skills, talents, and situations that enable us to accomplish a task meant for only us. We might meet some like-hearted peole along the way but no one is exactly alike. Don't desire my life or someone else's life, desire joy. Yearn for joy. Seek joy in your specific life. Ask God to overflow you with joy. That is a prayer request He will answer EVERY time. 

So don't be fooled! If you start to feel a twinge of jealousy or discontent as to why I, or other ridiculously happy people on Facebook, are so happy, just always go back and reference this post. When you see my status about laying in bed with the sweetness and cuddling or when I post how thankful I am for this crazy life I have, I might have just cleaned poop out of the tub. 

And that is nothing to be jealous about. 

Dream of Hope

People intrigue me.

So naturally, the relationships between people intrigue me. 

I solicited Google to see what the recommended searches would be for key phrases. Let's see if you are as confused as I was...actually the answers scared the living daylights out of me.

I searched "I wish my husband"

"I wish my husband would die"
"I wish my husband would leave"
"I wish my husband loves me"
"I wish my husband was dead"

I searched "I wish my wife"

"I wish my wife would lose weight"

"I wish my wife would have an affair"
"I wish my wife would love me"
"I wish my wife was this dirty"

I searched "I wish my parents"

"I wish my parents would divorce"
"I wish my parents were dead"
"I wish my parents were rich"
"I wish my parents never had me"

I searched "I want my child"

"I want my child to be gay"
"I want my child support"
"I want my childhood back"
"I want my child to be a model"

It's hard to find the words that I am feeling right now. I am devastated. I remember being at the low of the low and feeling like I couldn't breathe because of the pain I was in. There is a point of anguish and hopelessness that a person's heart can reach that is absolutely suffocating. I have been there. I know it's true. But there would have to be a lot of people in that state of desperation for it to effect the main search engine of the world. I don't wish that type of pain on anyone, and knowing that the majority of our population feels hopeless makes me angry and sad at the same time.

I just wish I could talk to these people. I wish that I could help them. I wish that I could share with them the hope that I have. I wish they understood that there is healing and hope specifically set aside for them!

Even through abuse, there is hope.
Even through neglect, there is hope.
Even through loneliness, there is hope.
Even through financial hardship, there is hope.
Even through bitterness, there is hope.
Even through depression, there is hope.
There is no area or corner in the depths of your heart that hope can't reach.

Is it a quick fix? No, of course not. But there is no such thing as ruined people. I thought I was ruined. I thought I was no good and that I had nothing to offer. Now I have a wonderful life full of love, real friendships, great successes and so much joy that will only continue to get better the farther down this life road I get.

You can change your stars.
You can write a new ending.
You can be happy.
You can have hope.

This hope is free to you as a gift from someone who loved you literally more than life itself.
It was purchased in blood.
It was purchased with you specifically in mind.
So that through His death, you could be resurrected with Him to live a life of JOY.

I dream of a search engine that will say things like
"I wish my husband would know how important he is to our family."
"I wish my wife would realize how beautiful she is."
"I wish my parents would know that I am thankful for them"
"I want my child to know they are special."

I dream of people searching for how they can make the world a better place.
It can not be ignored any more.
Too many women are in slavery to human trafficking.
Too many men are addicted to sex, drugs and pride.
Too many children are neglected or abused.
Too many people are hopeless.

I don't think this dream is too unrealistic, but it has to start somewhere.

Blitz thoughts: Good Eater, Sickness and The Croods

Blitz post!

1. My usual picky non-eater ate 4 chicken nuggets, 2 oranges and 2 servings of spaghetti. This is a miracle otherwise known as a growth spurt. 

2. I have been coughing and recently have been attacked with congestion. I took some medicine as a precautionary measure and will be doing all I can to avoid sickness like the plague. Now of only the weather would stop being bipolar.....that would help. 

3. We just watched The Croods with Ryot. I really enjoyed the animation, bright creative color schemes and that the lead girl wasn't a toothpick. I did not like the incredible lack of respect for the dad that the entire family displayed for the majority of the movie. Even though it was remedied in the end I think there are too many parts that will be mimicked by little people who watch it. 

These are my blitzed thoughts for today. My brain is foggy from this headache and sort of coming on sickness. 

Happy 30th Birthday Dustin!

It's a very special day today. Today is my big brother's birthday. I have many sisters, but only one brother. I have a lot of memories that flood to mind when I think about my brother. Memories of rollerblading through the apartment complex. Memories of big brother torture probably instigated by me being the annoying little sister...sorry bro. Memories of learning how to play Super Mario and beating the game several times. I was in awe! 

I have memories of talking to him on the phone the day my mom died. I was so scared and he made me feel so much better. I have memories of being terrified and having horrible nightmares while he was deployed with the Marines. That followed by extreme excitement, relief, and pure joy when he finally returned home and would come visit. I have memories of bragging about my big brother to all my friends. 

At 7 yrs old, I looked up to him for his Nintendo skills.

At 14 yrs old, I looked up to him for being a hero.

Now at 24 yrs old, I look up to him for being a great man after God's own heart.

I knew he was going to be a good husband before he got married; and he chose a beautiful, smart, hilarious, kind, and Godly wife that is a wonderful addition to my band of sisters.

I knew he was going to be a good dad before Addison was born; and he helped create an adorable, smiley, smart, and sweet little girl that I am lucky to call my niece.

I know he will excel in whatever he does in the future because God is on his side. 

I have enjoyed what I have gotten to experience of the first 30 years and I am definitely going to enjoy the next 30. I know that God has some awesome things planned for my brother, Heidi, Addi, and all the people that come into their lives. 

Happy 30th Birthday to my FAVORITE big brother. 

I love you.

Icy-Hot

Schools shutting down

Icy roads

Major wrecks

A little snow

Getting ready for date night 

Why am I sweating?

It's 78 degrees in my house
Turn on A/C in January