The opposite of love is fear

Sunday 10/27

As You Go Series

These are my notes and thoughts on the sermon that my wonderful and Godly Pastor Fred Nelson spoke to us this morning. It was like breathing life into brittle bones. I am so grateful that God led me to Antioch and I'm hoping He blesses you to overflowing abundance by these words. I didn't re-read to edit so it might be choppy or there might be mistakes. I just couldn't take notes fast enough this morning and I'm super exhausted tonight. I'm sure you will overlook it and I know that God will lead you to understand what you need to despite any mistakes. 

What goes on inside the person that wants to share Jesus? What the world needs is people who have encountered Jesus and can't help but share what he has done on their life. Hearts alive. 

The sobering reality of hell should translate into compassion and heartfelt love for the lost. That compassion should turn into strategy to be in the world but it of it. Living a holy lifestyle that is content cultural so that the world sees the difference.  John 17:15-18 we are sanctified. God has made is to be set apart, holy. But he sent us into the world so that we can infiltrate the darkness. We are supposed  to engage the world and initiate love and compassion. Not to be judgmental but to reach out to them whee they are and give then the love that has been freely given to us.  

There are times when we initiate and it goes so completely wrong. This births fear of men and fear of rejection. This manifests itself in a lot of ways. We don't speak about Jesus because we are afraid of how they are going to respond. We are afraid that they won't like us or will treat us differently or feel pressured. There is a fear of being misunderstood or rejected which makes us question out identity. It makes us look for our validation outside of Jesus. 

1 John 4:18. There is no fear in love but perfect love drives out fear. He opposite of fear is love. Fear is inward focus and love is outward focus. We won't have any courage or boldness in life unless we have confidence that there is a bigger picture. We can love someone and be afraid of them at the same time. We equate kindness with love but really it's just a mask to cover up our dear of rejection. We look for the approval of others an stat is fueled by fear of rejection. 

We need to detach from them and get our validation on God so that we can be filled to overflow to GIVE love to them. 

Luke 19:1-10

Jesus is passing through Jericho. He isn't looking to camp or stay, he is just looking to pass through. 

There are so many life transforming moments in the Bible that Jesus ministers to people when he is neon interrupted. It's not when he is camping and preaching, it is when he is on his way to do something else but he stops what he is doing to minister to those around him. 

Why do I so when I'm interrupted?

I need to live a life that's able to be interrupted. God has time for me. I need to have time for others. People need to be noticed. This is an awesome opportunity to share Jesus' love to them. 

Zacchaeus was a Jew but was a tax collector who was very wealthy. He was lot a well-liked person. The majority of the population didn't like him. He had heard about Jesus and wanted to see what Jesus was all about. 

It's easy to put up a facade and pretend to be all together. But there is a burning desire, a cry of the human heart, an emptiness that yearns to see Jesus. Don't be deceived by what is on the exterior because there is a desire for Jesus in every person. 

Jesus sees Zac and stops to take notice of him. Revelation is invitation to get involved. The revelation of need is an invitation to get involved. We have to get past the exterior and look at them not as the flesh but as the spirit. We have to see beyond the surface and initiate. Get involved and interject our joy and hope to their situation. We are to identify the need of the heart and bring the gospel to fill that void. 

When Jesus agreed to go dine with Zac all of the crowd muttered against him that he was going to the house of a sinner. Jesus was constantly going against public opinion. Jesus was bold and did not let the fear or the public opinion dictate what he did. Boldness is not being brash, arrogant or pushy. The boldness that God is pleased with is fueled by love and reaching out to them without caring of public opinion. Sharing truth in a holy boldness. It's a boldness that cries out in love even if they get rejected. Jesus says that we will be rejected. We can not hold stock in people's opinion but hold in to the truth of God. 

Matthew 5 says that there is more reward when we are rejected. We have to have our identity securely anchored in Christ. The fear of man is the exposure of our own lack of self acceptance. 

Jesus' act if fearless love so transformed Zac that it released a financial blessing to the people and changed Zac's heart. If we cater to the opinion of others, we are missing a blessing. We are holding on to people's opinion and missing the blessing of God. We are holding on to dirt missing great riches. 

God has placed us where we are as ambassadors to seek and save the lost. Everywhere we go the Holy Spirit has an opportunity to share and advance the kingdom of God. 

What would God do if we weren't afraid?

Angry opinions

I don't know everything. I don't even know half of everything. So my words are merely a collaboration of what I feel and think based on my current experiences and knowledge. Because of this, I feel like there is little that's wrong or right but more ahould be categorized as opinions. Getting angry that someone has a different opinion than you is like getting angry that they painted their living room walls grey when you think they are supposed to be white. It's irrational. It is completely possible to have a different opinion without getting angry. 

I'm not an easily angered person so it confuses me more tha upsets me. Like, why are they getting angry? Why does it matter that their opinion is accepting and that they are agreed with by everyone. That's total cult status. The world would be bland and boring if we all liked the same things. 

These are my early morning thoughts of the day. Happy Sunday!

5 Min Fridays! Category-less

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

I have been thinking about the differences in characteristics of the extrovert vs. the introvert. I have to be honest and say that I have been a little defensive about it actually.

Matt Walsh does a great job writing about how he is an introvert in his blog post here. But I have to cringe a little when he talks about the man who rudely yanked him out of his imagination to talk to him. I wonder how many people I have offended by merely wanting to talk to them. I have all these scenarios running through my head. I love people. I love all sorts of people. I love hearing about their stories and their background. I love learning what they believe and why they believe it. It is never my attention to ruin someone's day by merely having a conversation with them.

Now that I think about it, a lot of people that I thought were rude were probably thinking that I was rude for talking to them in the first place. If I start a conversation with someone, I either have something that I wanted to say or I really am genuinely interested in knowing about that person. Is that then selfish of me to interrupt their precious silence? Should I just then defy my natural desire to conform more to be an introvert? Isn't that the opposite of embracing diversity? I don't know. It seems grumpy to me.

I just think a lot of the time, introverts are these highly intelligent coffee drinking poetry reading "where's waldo?" looking people sitting alone in the corner of a book store while extroverts are depicted as these big dumb incoherent blabber mouths that never have anything intelligent to say. I know that's not what Matt is saying, but it's often depicted in that light.

When I took that "what state do you belong in?" quiz, it asked me if I was an extrovert. Immediately, I wanted to say yes, but then I had to think about it. I don't like to talk for the sake of just talking but I do say hello to random people in the elevators. Is that contradictory? It makes me happy to connect with people. Even if only for a short moment. But I guess an introvert would question if that really was a connection at all? But my thinking is that even if for only a moment you made me smile or possibly said something that I could learn from then I am that mush better of a person.

I once asked a man how he was doing in an airport while waiting to board the plane. He grumpily looked over to me and asked, "Do you really want to know?" I told him that I did indeed care to hear what he had to say and we carried a conversation for the next 20 minutes before he left to board his plane. For the duration of my flight, all I could think about was how most people who ask that question don't really care to know the answer. It helped me rethink my greetings to people and focus on being genuine in all my encounters. If I had just sat by myself in the corner lost in my thoughts, I wouldn't have had that great conversation.

So am I an introvert or an extrovert? I don't know. I guess I feel like I don't fit into either categories.
I like to be alone.
I like big crowds.
I like a small gathering of friends.
I like in-depth talks about meaningful subjects.
I like a enjoy a casual conversation with a stranger in the cashier line at Wal-Mart.

I'm category-less, I guess.
The more categories that I am finding I DON'T fit into, the better I feel about it.
That's wonderfully strange.

Rational thinking

Today, my head is completely rational. This is an accomplishment considering the major sleep deprivation I have subjected it to. But can I just say that rational thoughts don't always make sense? It doesn't make sense because this is an emotional and relational world. If it was completely rational then marriages would be established like a business agreement. When the agreement was no longer beneficial for both parties, a consensual decision would be reached to terminate the relationship. There would be no heartache, no wishful thinking, no broken hearts, no missed memories. There would be no insecurities because you either were both contributing members of the relationship or you weren't. Cut and dry.

That just sounds so nice right now. I know that the happy wouldn't be as happy, but sometimes it seems kinda worth it. Maybe I just need a vacation. Maybe I'm just a little burnt out.

I carried her. I felt her move inside me. I stayed up nights dreaming of what she would look like. I prayed earnestly over her. I took care of her in the hospital alone. I fed her alone. I changed her diapers alone. I stayed up nights with her alone. I gave her baths alone. I have provided for her alone. I have cared for her alone. I have held her when she cried alone. I have cleaned up her sickness alone. I have worried about her in the middle of the night alone. I have gone through birthdays, Christmas and other holidays alone.

But I have to share her now?

I shouldn't be sitting alone in a room full of people with their significant others.

Shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't. That stupid word that holds no value or weight in this world. I can't control what should and shouldn't be because I can only control my reactions. I know this, but that truth doesn't stop how it makes me feel.

I just want to be rational. I don't want to feel anymore. I'm too tired to feel today.

At least this is how I feel right this moment.

And because the Lord is good, I know I won't feel like this for long.
I know that God will quiet my Spirit and give me rest.
I know that He is there to hold me up when it's just really hard to keep walking.
I know that He will validate me and get rid of my insecurities.
I know that He will restore my heart to overflowing.
Because He is good. He is always, always good.
He provides. He loves. He empowers.

Ponderings

Something I have been pondering: 

I need to not think of the things I would sacrifice to make something happen and instead think of the things I am already sacrificing by not giving God my full focus. 

I need to take pride in my strengths in order for my passion to fuel me my discipline into action.

I need focuse on speaking and thinking only positive things. 

That is all. 

An accurate list

I could make a list of things that I like. it would include some things like sunshine, coffee, roses, sweatpants, playing soccer, watching football, accoustic music, chocolate, back rubs and so many more. I could definitely brag about my daughter. I have done that in several posts and will continue to do so as she amazes me in a new way everyday. I could tell you things I don't like. Included but not limited in that list would be things like mustard, being cold, guys who sag their pants too much, being tickled, paper cuts, running, crude jokes, the smell of popcorn, uncomfortable clothes and again, so many more. I could make a list of the places I want to visit or live. I could easily shout out who I admire and why. I could document my goals and the progress I've made. I could make a list of  the character traits that I want in a future husband. I could write down bad habits I want to erase or good habits I want to form. I could list the books I want to read.  From all of these lists you might be able to form an opinion about my personality. But would it really give you an accurate description of me? 

I took a quiz online earlier revealing that based on my personality I belong in the state of Georgia. What does that even mean? It asked me questions like:

Are you an extrovert?

Do you consider the feelings if others?

Is your life organized?

Are you easily angered?

I had to seriously put thought into each question. I wonder what the result would be if an acquaintance took the test about me. Or a stranger or a friend or file member. Would we all get the same results? Would someone that just met me say that I strongly consider the feelings of others? Would my friends say that i am moderately dependable?

Thinking about this brings to mind this passage in James: 

James 2:14-17, 26 What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead. 

Do my actions display my love for Jesus? Do my responses show my confidence in who I am in Christ? Do people see a difference between me and the world? Do I reflect kindness and compassion or does the world see something different?

To me its like an enchanted two way mirror. Is what I see the same image that the person on the other side sees?

Some things to ponder...

Oy Vey

"People try and get hold of discipline without getting hold of the passion first. If you get hold of the passion, you will love the discipline because you will want to achieve the purpose." - Graham Cooke

Oh my word this is right up my alley. Lately, I have been thinking about what I do and why I do it. I have been conscious about the words spoken to others and about myself. I have been intentionally aware of the thoughts that automatically generate in my head. Sometimes I have been pleasantly surprised as I notice the positive habits that I have developed over the last couple months. Sometimes I have been discouraged at the old habits and thoughts that creep back up and try to take a spot of authority. And even then looking back I realize that instead of immediately laying these things at the feet of the perfect creator, I try to adjust things myself. I turn knobs and push buttons to create an even bigger mess than before. I scold myself that if I just had more discipline then I could change my ways. I try to force this carcass into a mold that just plain won't fit.

The perfect example is my "dieting". If I just try to live a healthier life by changing my diet, working out and making smart choices, I obtain great success with ease. At the end of September, I made a mental note that I would run every day, eat no sweets and really crack down on my discipline. October 1 - I didn't run and I ate like crap. The trend has continued throughout the following weeks until today. Breakfast this morning consisted of 2 donuts, a kolache and a cup of coffee. I feel like CRAP in more ways than one. I'm disappointed that I didn't stick to the goals that I set even though I know they were ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with aiming for health goals, but I set the goal for something that I really had no passion to attain.

Another small example happened yesterday. I mentally made a goal to go home and deep clean my entire house. WHO DOES THAT?! I knew that my day had started at 5:00am and I wouldn't get home until 6:30pm which would leave me tired and ready to relax. I knew that I would want to spend time with the sweetness who I hadn't seen all day. I knew that I would walk into my house and feel overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done and just shut down. AND THEN I knew that in the back of my mind that just the mere fact that I was thinking about wanting to clean my house, it really wouldn't happen. AND THEN I was wondering if it was considered reverse psychology if I knew that I knew what I was doing by thinking those thoughts? AND THEN was it double reverse psychology because I was thinking about the consequences of how thinking that I knew that what I had previously thought about would possibly change my mind?

Oy vey.

All I know is that for both scenarios my motive and passion were not present to fuel the discipline with power or guide the discipline in the appropriate direction. These examples are small and really of no consequence to the big picture.

I have caught myself on more than one occasion falling into the same familiar rut of speaking, thinking, or acting a certain way. Now I have been charged to examine those ways and really start prodding and poking around to find the passion behind the action. This has been a slow process as I'm not very good at it yet. I feel like I have just encountered a big flood and now I have to find away to drain the water and decide whether to repair or replace my belongings. Do the passions behind my actions need to be completely thrown out and replaced or are there some that were given to me in perfect condition and just need a little fine tuning and repair? I know that the more that I examine my thoughts and am aware of the passions behind my action, it will get easier and won't be so much work. I just have to be patient and place my passion to be more like Jesus one step at a time instead of my desire to be perfect right this instant.

Again, Oy Vey.

I just love

I hear the sweet melodies of Shakey Graves on my computer and a soothing warmth comes over me forcing a smile on my lips.

I taste the first couple sips of that creamy coffee and close my eyes to soak in this quiet moment of satisfaction.

I feel the cool breeze flowing freely as I drive down the road and slowly inhale to take in the smell and touch of this invisible dancer.

I see the beautiful copper strands of hair laying softly on her face as she distantly gazes out of the window and I sigh as every fiber of my being is grateful for her existence.

I read the sweet words of love poured out for me and I quiet my disbelief that I could be worthy of such magnificence not only paying me attention but desiring a relationship with me.

Colossians 3:12-17
¹²Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Ephesians 5:1-2
 ¹ Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

 

 

It really is about the little things.

Life is relational, not material.

 

3 thoughts

Reading Isaiah 38:19 today really helped me focus on the type of foundational values I am laying in my daughter's life. I am excited to do better tomorrow!

I hung new pictures on the wall of my living room which made it feel like a brand new room. Im not an interior decorator but it made me look forward to the finished product. 

More than once today I was given a compliment that I responded to by rolling my eyes in disbelief. I need to fix this stupid disbelief ASAP. 

Part of a masterpiece

Trying desperately to ease my migraine, I laid in bed while the sweetness was playing with some hair accessories in the doorway. 'Mommy, come see? Look mommy? You see? Come on mum!' she excitedly yelled while pulling on my leg. I told her that momma's head hurt so I would get up in a moment. She crawled on the bed, brushed some hair away from my face and as she cupped my face in her hands she kissed my forehead. Feeling like I was a bad parent for not getting up after such a beautiful display of love , I forced myself to sit up regardless of the throbbing pain. I poked my head around the corner and she had piled a couple of the hair ties in a little mountain. She was soooo proud of herself and happy that I gotten up to see her masterpiece. 

It was so worth it. How could I not love such a beautiful soul? Loving her is just so easy. I know it was part of what I was created to do.

Believe that God created me unique with specific passions for His purpose is so much more fulfilling and way easier than merely mumbling that this place I'm in is God's will without further seeking out my passions for His glory. 

That was a long sentence but after reading it through again I couldn't say it any better. 

Happy Sunday! May it be filled with His joy and rejuvenation!

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern:

I love you. YOU. You who are reading this. You who need to hear it, you who don't believe me, you who don't like me. I love you. I love all of you. Your good, your bad, your ugly, your marvelous. I love you with or without tattoos and piercings. I love you with or without brand name clothes and nice cars. I love you on your good days and your bad. I love you whether you played sports, music or both. I love YOU. I love you when you are productive and when you are lazy. I love you no matter the color of your skin. I love you with or without a college degree. I love you whether you eat McDonalds or grow your own food. I love all of you. I love you whether you are gay, straight or undecided. I love you for your talents and your faults. I love you whether you are smart or struggle academically. I love you whether you have one great job or a couple crappy ones. I love you whether you read your Bible this morning or not. I love YOU. I love your laugh. I love your smile. I love when you are happy. I love all of you. I love you for who you are internally, not what you can do or provide for me. I love all of you whether we have had problems or a flawless past. I love all of you. Unconditionally.

I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have broken hearts, been careless with other's feelings, been distant, pushed away friends and family consciously and subconsciously. I have done and said things that have hurt people with and without my knowledge. I have made poor decisions that have effected people's lives. I constantly misuse effected and affected and have no idea which one is right at this very moment. I'm sorry grammar Nazi's. I'm sorry friends. I'm sorry family. From the pit of my heart I am whole-heartedly heart broken over the problems that I have caused and the ripples I have made in the past. Please accept my complete sincerest apology. If I have wronged you in any way, shape or form, I am genuinely sorry. I earnestly beg for your forgiveness.

Ya know, God is so gracious and perfect to forgive when we ask. Just like that. I am forgiven because I asked. New, fresh clean slate. In the same breath, I have forgiven myself. I am no longer bound by the chains of my past.

Now I ask you to do the same for me. Drop those chains. I am not obligated and will no longer carry a burden that I have been released from. I have been moving forward, faster and stronger than ever. My brain, heart and soul have been rocked in awe-inspiring ways in the past couple months and there is NO way that I am going to slow down. I know there is more, so much more. I have asked God to prepare me for what is to come. I know that He has paved my way and I will walk, run, and dance in obedience. I have prayed that God would work in only the way that He can. This is not a sudden realization. This post has been a long time coming. I have asked that He soften hearts and bring this to the people who needed to read this. To you. To Whom It May Concern.

My favorite part of the song below says this:

 

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and
Makes us children
Children, drop your chains and sing

 

Hallelujah, death is overcome
And we are breathing
Hallelujah, our stone hearts become
Flesh that's beating
Hallelujah, chains have been undone
And we are singing
Hallelujah, the fire has begun
Can you feel it?

 

I am not bound by chains any more. If you need me, I will not be wallowing in pity and regret in the corner. In fact, I haven't been there in a long time. Instead, I will be over here, dancing, singing, shouting, laughing, and running wild and free into a great and mysteriously wonderful crazy adventure.

Feel free to join me.



Stand down

2 Chronicles 20:17

This is not a battle I have to fight. 

That is not the answer I was expecting but it is my answer so I will be obedient and stand down. 

Need to read!

Life has been a little crazy this week. The sweetness has been under the weather with no symptoms other than fever and wimpering. I don't get much done at work when she is there. Instead, having half a day has meant great progress at home! I have done laundry and cleaned a ton in between extra snuggles and other regular sick kid care. Even though she has been sick I really have loved the extra time I have spent with her. She is so been so entertaining and just makes me fall in love with her even more every day. She shows me something new everyday. Today she cracked us up calling my coworker Jabob instead of Jacob which has of course officially become his new nickname. 

I have been struggling to finish a book I started some time ago. Having sleepless nights and full days, I have been going to bed pretty exhausted. Even so when I lay down in bed I grab my book and try to read more before I'm forced to close my eyelids. This has caused me to read the same paragraph over and over for the past 4 nights. But of course it is no coincidence that it is focused on a topic that I know is under construction. You see, God knows what He is doing. He always has known what He was doing in my life. Everything that man has intended for bad in my life, God has turned around for good and given me an incredible testimony. 

This instance is no different. I know I need to read and re-read this passage until it not only makes sense but actually takes hold of my mind. I want to be renewed, transformed completely. 

'Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.' Romans 12:2 

I have never been happier, more 'centered', more peaceful, or more victorious than when I am seeking God. So I'm looking forward to unpacking what this means in my life. I'm a little nervous because I realize it will take digging deep to purge insecurities but I know that God will replace my incompetence, insecurities and failures with His grace, power and victory. 

I'm sure I will have a blog post about that too. 

Work AND Play?

This is day two with the sweetness coming to work with me. Although I love having her here, it's hard to get any work done. We have been here for 47 minutes so far today and she has colored, taken apart post-it notes, tried to use the scissors, taken a lot of tape out of the dispenser, tried to get to the M&M's, highlighted her goldfish, tried to use the phone, and knocked just about every piece of paper and item off of my desk at some point.

I love my job.
I love my little girl more.
The two just don't mix very well.

I hate naps

I hate naps. And by that I mean I love naps.

Not clear enough? OK, I will explain.

The sweetness looked so innocently sweet taking her nap. I snuggled in bed with her and started watching a movie. The lack of solid sleep, early morning and comfy cuddling combined created the perfect atmosphere for napping. It has always taken me a while to fall asleep but I pulled the covers over my head anyway. Even if it took me 30 minutes to fall asleep I would still get about an hour nap.

Just as I drifted to sleep the chatter of the movie wakes me. I annoyingly hit pause and settled back in bed. Its so comfortable and warm and perfect for sleep.

Bang! bang! bang!- a short time later. 'why is someone hanging a picture on a Sunday afternoon?!' I think to myself as if the idea is simply something ridiculous. I calm my heart from being started and drape the heavy cover back over my head. My bed feels just like a cloud; big wonderful weightless cloud.

Honk! Honk! Honk! 'Who even has car alarms anymore?! It's not like anyone pays attention to them?' I get up from my cozy abyss, turn my small fan and the bathroom fan on to create a noise barrier. Yes, that's better, now for sleep. I drift to sleep with a slight smile.

'Mommy in bed! Asauce? Mommy silly I want asauce. Watch show? Watch peencess? Kiss? Eskimo kiss? I want juice. I want juice. Juice. Juice. Mommymommymommymommymommy juicejuicejuicemommymommyjuicemommymommummummommy Dress? Wear pretty dress? Help dress mommy.' Aaaand she's awake. Has it been an hour and a half already?

The mood that my lack of nap has put me in is less than pleasant. I'm tired, groggy and have no motivation to do anything.

I'm never attempting a nap again. Unless I happen to be in a completely silent, uninterrupted, dark, closed off, special place with no children, car alarms, movies or people hanging pictures. But then they might give me one of those jackets that make you hug yourself. And if for some reason I did get woken up, I don't think hugging myself would be top on the 'want' list. So I just won't nap.

I can sleep when I'm dead right?

Today i will count rocks

Everyone was smiling and laughing at the sweetness through our whole breakfast as we went through our usual banter.

'Hi baby guy!' She says to the little boy sitting next to our booth.
'Here Ryot, take a bite.'
'No silly mommy, all done'
'Oh OK, are you ready to go?'
'No, I want to dance.'

Well OK then. She grabs my purse and starts dance-walking towards the door. She trips over it twice but just gets right back up and keeps walking. As I'm paying for the meal, she has taken the booster seat off of a high chair in the corner and crawled in it. She is swinging her legs and so proudly exclaims 'mommy, i did it! Look!' She is smiling at the people smiling at her and one lady says 'she's fearless'. She stands up and I put her back on the ground.

'Uh oh, shoe off'

She starts running to the door and then runs back to me to put her shoe on. As we are leaving a lady says 'this is a great age to be curious. She is so well mannered. Good job, mom'

You see, I don't care if Ryot sits in her chair for the duration of the meal. I don't care if she is peeking around the booth to smile at the baby next to us. It doesn't bother me for her to trip over my purse and to trip again. I'm not annoyed that it took us twice as long to leave because she wanted to open the door for me and make sure it was closed behind me. This IS the time for her to be curious and I love every second of it.

This whole parenting thing is a learning process. And just when I think I have it down, we enter a new stage of curiosity and emotions. I am learning how not to compare to other parents and more importantly how not to care if they don't approve of what I'm doing. Its hard to get the scoffing look from the family in corner. Their son is sitting in the high chair eating everything on his plate and mine is standing right outside of the booth dancing. But I love that she loves to dance. I love that she looked at the lights above us and giggled as she shouted 'its the moon!'. I love that she had to say bye to every person that she walked by. I love that she doesn't care what other people think because she hasn't been taught that mentality. I hope she never learns it.

See, I want to raise a warrior. I want to raise someone who will logically question the boundaries with no fear of rejection or judgment. I want to raise her to say hello and bye to everyone she meets. I want to raise her to take risks. I want to raise her to not care about the little things but be worry-free in her passions. I want to raise a little girl who knows that she is loved and cherished at all times.

Right now, we are building her foundation. I want to give her as much reinforcement of love and passion  so that she can be released in the world and share that love with other people!

Right now she wants me to come outside so she can sit in my lap and count rocks. Or as she says 'sit in yap and rocks 1, 2, 2, 2!'

So today, I will count rocks so that in her tomorrows she can move mountains.

Breathe in, Breathe out

I said something last night. It was one of those moments, that as soon as it occurred, left a bad taste in my mouth. I laughed it off at first, but it stuck with me bouncing around in my head with no concern for the areas it was abusing.

Suddenly it was time for all of us at Life Group to sit down and share a little bit about our life. I froze.

What is my problem? I have never had an issue with sharing before. My life is an open book. I have a great story of triumph. I have a story that through all obstacles, God has been faithful and filled every void that life has created. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I nervous?

Everyone spoke leaving my turn for last. I couldn't avoid it any longer. I got to the part of my story about my failed marriage. I paused and fumbled through the next couple sentences. Honestly, I don't even remember what I said. I just remember this overwhelming feeling that I couldn't pinpoint. Then all of a sudden what I said earlier popped back in my head. When speaking about my daughter's dad, I jokingly said,

"I know how to pick 'em, huh?".

Guilt.

Guilt 'is an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in.' (Wikipedia)

Yeah, that about sums it up. I wasn't seeking God when I got married. I wasn't seriously considering how he was going to financially provide for our family. I wasn't being intentional in the relationship. I was selfish and I floated by on feelings. He made me feel beautiful and wanted. Since I wasn't seeking God for my validation, it was so easy to fall in love with what I was being told. I failed. I violated a moral standard of marriage by trusting so blindly. I trusted that he would never leave or betray me. It didn't just change my life but the life of my little girl.

Like floodgates being opened, a wave of guilt and regret rushed over me.
If  had made better choices
If I had paid attention
If I had been going to church
If I had been seeking God
If I had sought an outside source of wisdom
If...if......if..........

Then my little girl might have her dad in her life. Then we might not be struggling financially. Then we might be able to have a nice place and nice things. Then I might not feel so insecure. Then Ryot wouldn't have to experience the pain that I did growing up without my dad. Then I might have seen the signs and made better choices. Then I might not have chosen him. Then I might not have gotten married and experienced what a marriage takes to work. Then I might not have made the friends that I have now. Then I might not have had Ryot at all. Then I might still be stuck in Oklahoma. Then I might not have come to Antioch. Then I might not be so in love with Jesus as I am today. Then I might not have come to this crazy awesome realization of what really is important.

So what really is important?

This world will fade away. Having excess money, a house, nice things would be great but they will all fade away. They are temporary.
Since I am at Antioch and have surrounded myself with people who genuinely are on fire for the Lord, Ryot has a very different chance at life than I did. Hopefully I can raise her to pick up where I leave off and go further than me. I don't have to worry about the pain that not having her dad in her life. I have experienced first hand the amazing healing power of my mighty God. He has healed my heart and continues to heal me even when I choose to open old wounds that have already been covered in grace.
I wouldn't consciously change anything that has happened to me to possibly not have Ryot in my arms. I would go through it all again to experience the time that I have with my sweet little girl.
SHE IS WORTH IT. And I will work everyday to show her how cherished and loved and wanted she is.

If I had made better choices my life would be different, sure. But I didn't. I made my choices and now I have never been more satisfied or in love than I am now. It's all because of God.

I would be lying if I said that every bit of guilt is gone and vanished. Sometimes I look at my little girl and my heart just hurts. Last night as my friend Beau was playing with his daughter, I just had a moment of sadness. I so want that for Ryot. Maybe it will happen. Maybe God will bring someone in my life who will fall in love with both of us. But I know that if He doesn't, God will love Ryot and will provide for all of her needs.

It's not an easy fix. It's a process. It's a process that I have in NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM mastered. But I'm trying.

Raising a child is hard.
Raising a child by yourself is really hard.
Raising a child by yourself when you tag on guilt, failure, financial struggle, etc. is impossible.

I can't do this alone.
But Christ can do this through me.
I will take one step at a time.
One foot in front of the other. One day, one hour, one minute, one breath in and out.

Breathe in, He is in control.
Breathe out, He loves me.
Breathe in, He has chosen me for a purpose.
Breathe out, He will cover me.
Breathe in, He will provide for my needs.
Breathe out, He loves Ryot.
Breathe in, He will never leave or forsake me.
Breathe out, He has forgiven my sins.
Breathe in, He is proud of me.
Breathe out, He is with me.

Lottery or Marriage?

I was proposed to last night.

A positive statement. A simple statement. A statement that by now you have formed opinions about. Your opinions are formed from what you know about me and what you think you know about me.

Did you ask if I was dating someone that you didn't know about?
Did you think I had rekindled flames with an ex?
Did you possibly think it was a cute offer from a kid?
Or possibly a joke from a coworker or friend?

The truth is you don't really know what happened.

But because I like you, I will tell you. I know I have some pretty creative friends. I would love to know what went on in your feisty brains.

No, I'm not dating anyone.
I'm not rekindling flames, as those coals have been cold for some time now.
It was not a cute offer from a kid or a joke from a friend.
It was a sincere offer and proposal of marriage.

Without a ring.

From my neighbor.

My 55+ year old neighbor.

For some reason last night as we were both taking out our trash, we started talking and got on the subject of debt. He was excited to tell me that he is debt free and starts a new job in Dallas this weekend. I expressed slight envy at his financial freedom, but added in the disclaimer that I know God would provide for Ryot and me.

Neighbor: "The way I see it, you have two options. First, you can pray that I win the lottery. I have 3 daughters: my oldest, my youngest and you. I will keep 1 million for myself and give the rest away. Or the second option is to marry me."

After I got done laughing for a solid 30 seconds, I said, "I better start praying for that lottery right now, then!" He abruptly stopped laughing.

Neighbor: "I'm serious. I would spoil you rotten. You wouldn't have to worry about anything and Ryot would have whatever she wanted."

I froze.

Oh. my. word. He is serious! Well, this situation suddenly became incredibly awkward. I laughed and said that is a sweet offer but that's not what I'm looking for, at all. He told me that the offer would always be on the table if I changed my mind. He waved bye to Ryot and was on his way.

That is NOT how I imagined my next marriage proposal would be. But then again, not much in my life is normal right now.

Untrapped Thoughts

I can't even process what is happening in my brain and my heart today. So in all fairness I couldn't possibly try to articulate it for you to attempt to decipher. It wouldn't be fair to injure your brain like that and it wouldn't be fair to me for information to be misguidedly misconstrued. It's just not fair to either parties in any manner.

So instead of decoding the mysterious combustion I have been bombarded with today, I will focus on remembering positive things that happened today.

First, Ryot was in a fantastic mood all morning. It was as if she planned to be terribly two last night terrifically two this morning. She picked out her clothes and was perfectly obedient with getting ready and leaving the house. On the way to school, she was singing KSBJ, playing peek a boo, wanting me to cuddle and wanting to hold my hand while I was driving. When I dropped her off she was so polite and greeted her teachers with smiles and hugs. She asked me for a kiss and a double high five and told me bye with no tears and no fuss. I stood outside of the classroom and watched her for a moment soaking in the few minutes I had before I headed off to school. She showed her teacher her jacket and asked politely for help to remove it. She was perfectly happy to sit at the table and eat her pancakes with no assistance and no drama. Golly that just blesses my heart. She just looked so beautiful and so grown up sitting at that table eating away. It was more sweet than bitten when I left. I miss her so much while I'm at work, but to know that she is learning about Jesus and having a good time with her teachers and friends is priceless.

Second, one of my technicians at work brought me cookies to say sorry and thank you for my hard work. Just a few hours earlier he had caused a scene at the health clinic so I had to do a lot of PR work to calm the ladies at the clinic down. I still have not received the results that I needed first thing this morning so the situation isn't fully resolved. However, they didn't close out his file completely like they threatened, he isn't banned from the clinic anymore, AND I should have the results soon.....well, hopefully. Either way, he realizes that he was completely out of line and apologized to me personally with a peace offering of cookies. I accepted partly because I have to keep the peace in the office, partly because he had cookies and partly because it would have been totally awkward not to accept with him standing right there in front of me with everyone looking at me.

The rest of the chaos that is happening in my head can just stay trapped there for now.

Inhale exhale

Ryot screaming, 'I want window. Window dooowwwnnnnn.'

I tell her 'ok baby. Calm down and ask mommy nicely.' I roll the window down.

Inhale slowly.

On the radio
'I am strong when I am on your shoulders, you raise me up to more than I can be.'

Ryot screaming, 'nooo mommy window no doowwwnnnnnnn. Window up!'

I roll the window up.

Exhale slowly.

On the radio
'Whatever will come our way, through fire or pouring rain, no we won't be shaken. Whatever tomorrow brings together we rise and sing that we won't be shaken. no we won't be shaken. We will trust in you, we will not be moved, we will trust in you and we won't be shaken.'

'Whatever will come our way' includes missing your two year old all day and being disappointed that she has done nothing but cry and throw fits since you picked her up. She didn't want to leave because she was watching Super Why. She wanted to eat a cakeball before eating her dinner. She wanted to go upstairs at Sarah's house instead of leaving. She wanted to color on the walls with Sharpie. She wanted the window down. Then she wanted the window up. She doesn't want to take a bath. But I'm the bad guy of course.

Oh man I'm exhausted and disappointed. I'm so thankful for being reinforced by His calming Spirit. Ya know, I wouldn't trade even a crazy evening like this for anything. Its amazing how much I love her even when she is being miss grumpy butt. And God loves us more.

Amazing.

Draw the Line

"Know the difference between the limits that withhold you and the limits that are crucial for you to obey. Draw your lines accordingly. Live your life around them."

This is an excerpt from an article I read this morning called "18 Things Every Person Must Do In Their Lifetime".

Sometimes it's hard for me to see the line between extending grace and trusting foolishly.
Sometimes I can't tell when I need to cut off relationships instead of overlooking bad influences.
Sometimes I don't know when I'm being taken advantage of and when I'm just being nice.

The thing that really gets me is that the things that distract or confuse me aren't really BAD things! When I was married, I stopped going to church because he didn't want to go. I would stay home and make him breakfast, clean the house and try to make him as happy as possible. A wife making her husband breakfast, cleaning the house and trying to make him happy are not bad things at all. But when making him happy became my goal and my validation instead of seeking God and glorifying Him, it became a bad thing with good intentions.

Just this year, I have been completely enlightened of the false humility that I was taught for so many years. I know now that I don't have to shrink in the back and voice that I'm not good at anything or that I deserve the things that happened in my life. I don't have to believe that God gave me a crappy set of cards that I have to make the best out of. I am a child of the King destined for great and powerful things. Why would He commission me for rescuing the lost and equipping and encouraging fellow sisters and brothers if He was not going to give me everything that I needed to complete the mission? That is pure craziness!

It has become a lot easier to push aside the things that are bad for me now that I finally take pride in myself. I can say no to negativity because I don't deserve it. I can take a crazy leap of faith without fear of rejection or judgment because I know that the God of angel armies is by my side. I don't have to shy back from raising my hands, doing a little dance or jumping up and down when praising Him. I am free to dance, to run, to jump, to shout, to cry, to laugh and to praise however I please because HE is the one I am glorifying and praising. Even if I look a little funny or "eccentric". I can't help it. I feel the beat, I hear the voices being raised of praising my great God and I can't help but move and raise my hands!

Do I still struggle with not knowing the boundaries of certain conversations? Of course! Do I create obstacles for myself sometimes? Unfortunately, yes.

When I was married, I stayed home and did those things because I didn't treasure my priorities. I had made my him my idol. I had made him my source of happiness which was not fair to him or to me. There is no way he could provide me with what I needed and there is no way that I alone could ever really make him happy. I didn't see that a line had been crossed because I didn't value my priorities, my time or my anointing. And it's hard to value those things when I wasn't seeking God fervently as I should have!

Yes, it is important to be able to recognize when the line has been crossed. But how will you ever know when the line is crossed if you don't value yourself enough to DRAW the line in the first place? I didn't value myself, my time, or my anointing enough to draw a line to be able to stand up for myself. Now in this situation, there was fault on both sides, but I am only in control of me and my decisions. I use this as an example because it was the best that I could relate to. For others it might be their job, their siblings, their friends, their children, their church, etc.

I think in order to successfully accomplish the charge from the article above, we first have to claim our right as cherished, chosen, masterfully created and dearly loved children. Only then will we be able to distinguish when we are being taken advantage of. It is only then that we can draw the lines and truly succeed.

Be beautiful. Be you. Be cherished. Cling to the promises that are meant for YOU, for ME, for US.

Today

Church this morning was great. God is so very present there and its so nice to be with those lovely Spirit-led people!
I baked pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and drank hot coffee.
Watched the Broncos beat the cowboys, yay!
Now watching The Chronicles of Narnia and cuddling with the sweetness.

'Well if she's not mad and she's not lying, then you must assume she's telling the truth.'

Moo!

'I like your artwork, is that a real tattoo?'

This question coming from the Texas City Fire Fighter with both arms covered in tattoos.

'Oh no. Its Sharpie, my two year old did it. Talented, huh?'

His friends laughed and he smirked. The two fire fighters went on to ask where I got the work done and complimented the detail and bright colors. I conversed with them as best as I could while trying to help Ryot eat her snow cone without staining her white shirt. Several minutes passed and the snow cone was finished. I got up from the ground to throw it away and the guy made some comment at how cute Ryot was while dancing. Then a very pretty and very tiny blonde with a big chest tattoo of angel wings sat at the full table of firefighters. She leaned over to a guy who I hadn't been talking to and asked,

'Why is he talking to her? Moo! I mean, really. Its pathetic.'

Aaaaannnnnnnnddddddddd that's my cue. Time to go home! She moo-ed at me. That has never happened before.

Ya know what is amazing though? My first thoughts were not hurt or anger or insecurity, but pity for her. What in the world has happened in her life to give her the idea it is OK to speak about people like that? I have no idea. I just thought it was crazy to even begin with. I hope she knows she is beautiful on the outside and I hope her insides start to morph to match the physical attributes.

Well I can cross 'get moo-ed at' off of my bucket list. Ah, progress feels great.

5 Min Fridays! Perfect Practice

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

I thought about something my high school soccer coach drilled into my teams heads many years ago.

"Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes permanent. Only Perfect Practice makes Perfect, permanently."

That has applied, currently applies and I'm sure will continue to apply to every area of my life.
I wonder what outcomes I am creating due to lack of perfect practice.
Am I being intentional in the way that I speak and live my life?
How has this changed me?
Am I conscious of the seeds that I am planting in other's paths as well as my own?

Rant at your own risk

Somewhere I read that the opposite of love is not hate, but apathy. When I first read those words, it scared me. I thought about all the things I just didn't care about. From big things like arguing about evolution, Calvinism vs Arminianism, Politics or vaccines/health stuff all the way to small stuff like fads in fashion, anything Hollywood or traditions.

I know what I believe. I know how I feel. I know wisdom that has been spoken to and over me. I know only my experiences.

Maybe I should learn more about science so I can have an argument?
Maybe I should care more about politics?
Maybe I should pay more attention to what is going on in the world?

A huge part of me just feels like I am one little vote and it doesn't matter. But then the argument is that everyone is just one little vote that makes up for the whole population. Ok, I get that.

Another huge part of me takes the route of saying that God is in control. I know that He is Sovereign and has His hand over my life. This is not my home, so I don't really care who the president is. I've been told that is a cop out. I really don't mean it that way. Would it be great if we had a leader who genuinely loved the Lord in office? Yes. Do I honestly think that America will elect someone with those values that I hold dear? No.

I don't like to argue. Ever. I don't like to be mad. Because of this, I compromise. A lot. Sometimes I have trouble finding the line that is between "pick your battles" and "stand up for what's right". I would rather pick no battles.

Do I like our President? No. But I don't hate him. I think that he needs serious prayer. Sure, I have opinions about what he is doing and not doing. But I'm NOT going to waste my time being angry over something I have no control over. It's a waste of time.

This is just one example of an issue in the world, but my answer is going to be the same for pretty much every scenario.

Calvinism vs Arminianism? Seek God, find out what you believe and stop trying to shove your ideals down other people's throat. If I was supposed to completely understand this argument or the trinity or any other spiritual mystery, God would tell me the information. Does that stop me from seeking out my answers? No. But I'm not going to waste my time getting mad at what you believe.

Vaccines/Health Stuff? Sheesh. I don't know. I haven't done enough research. Honestly, my opinion is that pretty much everything causes cancer. I have to have my daughter in daycare so I have to have her vaccinated. I don't really have a choice. Would my decision be different if I didn't have her in daycare? Who freaking knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I think I have more of an apathetic stance on this because it is so overwhelming. I can't tolerate dairy, so I do soy, but soy is bad for you. Eat wheat bread, not white, but wait wheat is bad for you. Gluten is bad for you. Everything is bad for you and we are all gonna diieeeeeeee. Well guess what? We are all gonna die eventually. I'm going to happily eat chocolate while you eat vegan soy-free tree limbs with hummus. I still love you Angel and Vee and Mama VP and JennyLynn! More power to you guys, seriously. I just really don't care as much for my lifestyle. And I love chocolate.

Fads and Fashion? This one just makes me laugh. It's definitely not something new for me. In highschool, I would show up to hang out with my friends and they would literally make me change my clothes for not wanting to be seen in public with me like that. hahaha Again, love you Angel and Vee! They seriously helped me not look completely retarded with my messy pony tail, no make up and baggy tshirts. It's just not really that important to me. Do I have a silent envy/inferior complex hanging out with my best friends? OF COURSE! I have the most beautiful friends on the planet, y'all. Seriously. I can't even compare, it's a ridiculous amount of flawless genes from the big gene pool.  Masterpieces. Art. Beauty. Inside AND Out. Nids, Nikki, Vee, Angeline, Shay - you girls are my family. Love you and your pretty faces.

I just don't want to argue. Every single person has a different idea or way of thinking on every single subject that is defined by their experiences, upbringing, friends, past, present circumstances, finances, family, etc. There are billions of elements that factor into a person making any decision or forming any thought.

I see Miley Cyrus in her video "wrecking ball" and my heart just breaks. She is obviously hurting, obviously searching to fill a void.

I see the news on Whitney Houston, Heath Ledger, Cory Monteith and so many others and my heart just breaks. How sad and lonely and empty must they felt?

I read the stories on bullying, abuse, anorexia, suicide in people and animals and my heart just breaks. I see my friend Tasia being blocked on Facebook because some people just can't live their own lives. They just have to insert their own hateful opinion and cause ruckus and ruin. Tasia has one of the most purest beautiful souls of anyone I know, and I haven't even met her in person!!! She loves the people around her and she loves her kiddos with everything she has. If you don't like the pictures that she posts on her personal facebook, DONT LOOK AT THEM. None of them are inappropriate. None of them are distasteful.

I'm not saying accept everything that everyone is doing, but LOVE them. Love people. Love them! I'm not saying I'm perfect at loving people. Not at all, but I try.

So sorry to the people who have stuck through reading this long blog rant. I don't even have a solution. I don't know if I don't care enough or if I care too much about certain things. I don't know if I sound pompous....I surely hope I do not as that is not my intention. My heart just aches for people, for me even.

Nothing that is argued about is of consequence. I say this not meaning that the subject matter isn't important, but that when presented in an argument, the opposing party is no longer reasoning with you but defending their stance. Arguing solves NOTHING. And no solution will ever be found if it is not sought out in love. Arguing about differing opinions like trying to explain statistics in a different language. You will never see eye to eye because we are people of emotion.

No one has ever been truly "won over" by being judged, cut down or yelled at.

So even though I'm in a weirdly crappy mood today, I'm going to do my best to love the people that I come in contact with today.

Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Speak.

I never think about it, honestly. It doesn't cross my mind unless it's brought up in conversation or I'm asked. I don't mind talking about it, really. I just haven't been able to talk about it without tearing up until this last time. This time it was just different.

It is great to overcome an obstacle. I can look back on that trial and know that I am a better person because I have survived, no not just survived but flourished in less than desirable circumstances. Yes, that is great, but it is awesome to see God use that very same trial as a testimony for good.

My all business, no fluff boss was telling me and my coworkers some family drama about an in-law who attempted suicide. My gut fell to the floor. Suicide, really? Not today. I don't want to talk about this today.

Open your eyes.

No thank you.

This is your moment.

He didn't ask for my opinion.

My boss went on to explain how he doesn't feel sorry for people who try to take their life because it is the most selfish thing you can do. He said it effects the people in your life whether you think it will or not.

 

Open your heart.

He doesn't need to know that about me.

He needs to know about ME.

Then I heard my boss say something along these lines about her daughter - I just don't want her to be around that and it effect who she is or traumatize her.

Speak.

 

At this point, I couldn't keep quiet anymore. I couldn't fight the conversation no matter how insecure I felt. Because the story of my mom's suicide really isn't about me. It's about God taking a horrible situation which left a little girl with feelings of sadness, bitterness, anger and horrible fears of abandonment, and COMPLETELY CHANGING THAT LITTLE GIRL'S LIFE.

 

Don't  tune me out yet. Listen. I'm not here to shove religion down your throat. I'm just sharing my story. My story of my incredible Abba who scooped me up in my fragile state, and through every single step of my life has walked beside me helping me to gain strength with each stride. 

 

I had to speak up. I had to tell him that his daughter will encounter good, bad and horrible things throughout her life. He can't protect her from everything just like I can't protect my daughter. But when life happens in the worst way possible the only way to survive it is to be holding on to something, someone who isn't bound by the rules of this world. He asked me how I am not completely messed up (vocabulary changed to keep it PG). I told him that I can't give him any other reason than God. It's not just a go to church on Sunday morning to get your weekly dose of conviction or just a read your Bible so you can cross another good thing off your list type of deal. It's a relationship. A real relationship that has saved. my. life.

 

I am living proof that God is good. He was good, He is good and He will continue to be good because that is His character.

 

He is available. He desires a relationship with you.

 

My boss said, "Oh wow. I didn't know that about you."

And I heard, and now he knows more about ME.

42 day rule

It takes 21 days to form a habit, or so I've been told. Yesterday I read an article that stated to double the 21 day rule and give yourself 6 weeks. That's 42 days! Do you want my two cents? I think for forming a new habit that is easy and pleasant, 21 days would suffice. However, if forming a habit that is difficult, time consuming or not enjoyable, give it the full 42 days.

For my goal of running/strength training, eating healthy and consistently taking/selling/promoting Advocare products, I'm on day 27. I've already wanted to quit, thought I was dying and felt discouraged on more days than I would care to admit.

Day 27. I'm on day 27. That's 65% completion of the 42 day rule.

I've significantly changed my lifestyle for almost an entire month. And I haven't died yet.

Yet.